UPJOKE
placewebsitelocatestationlocationsituationbuildingareapositioncampsitepostpremiseslocalcomputerportal

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

Patty and Mick are working on a construction site

Patty says to Mick. “I want the day off, so I’m going to act like a mad person and hope the manager lets me off”

Patty then proceeds to jump up onto the scaffolding and shouts over and over. “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb” He’s swinging around like a monkey on a tree and c...

What is a paladin’s favorite comedy site?

Something lawful

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Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

Putin goes to the construction site and says:

"Hey man, I need Ukraine."

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

I joined a Ukrainian dating site

Now I have a chick in Kiev

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Pa...

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Wifes eye site

A older man comes home from work,and he finds his wife standing in front of the mirror crying. He walks over and asks what's the matter hunny? THE WIFE SAYS. Can you find anything good about me. Look at me my hairs gray, my butt is sagging, my boobs are hanging down.. Is there anything left that's...

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Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..

She's my Seoul mate.

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

But apparently that's not legal Tinder.

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

LinkedIn is like reverse dating site for IT nerds

They get a lot of messages from girls

But ignore most of them

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

A group of nuns from a local convent were out for their Sunday bike ride through the suburbs

They were quite a site, seven in a row on one of those seven seater tandem bikes, headed, of course by a Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "OOOOOOOOOH!' The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters,...

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

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What’s the most popular porn site in Kentucky?

Onlyfams

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A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

Boss shows up at a job site

Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"

Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

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I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

I installed a wind turbine in my yard if you want pics..

Subscribe to my onlyfans site

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

I was on my lunch break at the job site, and we were all complaining about how our boss still owed us for the last job. I overheard one of the old carpenters on his cell phone....

"$1000? Sure honey, if you like it so much, then buy the coat"

I thought, "how can this old guy afford a $1000 coat for his wife? We aren't even getting paid."

He continued, "The new BMW? Well, if you must have it, darling, make sure you get it fully loaded. $125,000? That's fine."...

There was a safety inspector carrying a drum set around the construction site

When I asked why they said:

“I’m taking the necessary *percussions*”

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What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

What's the most exciting job on a construction site?

Riveting

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

It’s my cake day but I don’t Reddit for karma. I Reddit for love.

So somebody please love me so I can get off this awful site.

i heard on the news that some message board site is bankrupting wall street billionaires

"reddit?"

no i said i HEARD it

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What do you call the ocean’s version of a porn site?

OnlyFins!

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Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

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I found a porn site that wanted me to sign up to a 12 month subscription.

If I could deal with that kind of commitment, I wouldn't be watching porn.

In a Dating Site profile: "Looking for love and chemistry."

Doesn't quite have the same ring as: "Looking for hookers and drugs."

A woman calls customer service..

"Hi, I bought a maternity dress through your site and I want to cancel the order." she says.

The service rep says, "Sure, I can do that for you.. but I'd also like to get your feedback; may I ask why?"

"Yeah," says the customer. "My delivery was faster than yours was."

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What do you call prostitutes on construction sites?

Tricks of the trade

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite social media site?

TikTok!

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

There was a construction site

There’s 3 labourers, ready for their morning job.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man.

The boss tells the Englishman, when I get back from lunch, I want this pile of dirt moved over there further.

To the Irishman, after he’s moved it, you need to spread the soil.

To ...

NSFW construction joke

A young construction laborer who was hired to be be a cut-man gets a little too comfortable with a worm-drive saw and one day he manages to castrate himself. After months of physical recovery, he sets out to try to find a new job. One day he meets with a foreman of a large construction site close ...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

An American man is visiting Sydney Australia. Going around seeing all the sites.

Suddenly he is struck by a car, injuring him, and putting him into a coma for 24 hours. He wakes up in the hospital, dazed and disoriented, he just sees the all white room. He hears a voice, and asks the nurse, "Did I come here to die?"
She turns and flatly responds, "Nah mate, you came here yes...

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They are both Paris sites

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

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What do you call an Indian Dating site?

Connect the Dots.



yeah idk don't judge i'm fucking bored

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief,

but when I got home all the signs were there.

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An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

After seven years and half a million karma I will share the 5 unwritten rules of posting on this site:

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.

A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.

Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."

Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that pe...

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Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

Short lawyer jokes

Why wouldn't a snake bite a lawyer?

\- Professional code of ethics



When do you know a lawyer is lying?

\- When the lawyer's lips are moving



Why state A has more lawyers and state B has more toxic waste dump sites?

\- State B got to chose first

Why is this site named Reddit?

Because the other site really Blueit.

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Bloke goes for a job on a building site

Foreman says ‘important things first, can you make a cup of tea?’
‘Yeah’ he replies
‘Good’ says the foreman, ‘can you drive a forklift?’
He says ‘Why? How bigs the fucking tea pot?’

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What’s a skeleton’s favorite porn site

Bonely fans

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

I've been googling "how to kill myself" and all that's showing up are suicide prevention sites

I'm like how is this good SEO?

Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

Have you heard of conjunctivitis dot com?

It's a site for sore eyes.

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

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I just created a web site for English girls who got a sunburn at the nude beach.

It's called Redtit.

I’m starting an online dating site for men who want to meet someone just like their mother.

It’s called Oedipal Arrangements.

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor?

[redacted]

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a jew bought a camp site and then said

“now this is mein kampf.”

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

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I accidentally clicked an ad for one of those fetish porn sites...

It was fucking shit!

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a whe...

I'm done with dating sites

I'm only dating pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a car, a job and, pizza

What’s an Alabama man’s favorite dating site?

23andMe

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Porn sites should be .cum not .com

I’m serious. It would help with the disambiguation thing

3 men on construction site

3 men are on a construction site of a highrise during lunch

1st guy opens up his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He says "ham ham ham that's all I get. If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping off this building and killing myself."

2nd guy opens up his lunch box and sees a turkey ...

What kind of lizard would you find on this site?

A karma chameleon.

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Duck joke. Yes another one.

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman is amazed by a speaking duck and discovers the duck is in town for a few weeks working on a local building site. Over a week they become good friends.

One day a travelling circus get into town and the owner also comes into the bar for a dri...

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Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.

After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.

He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”

“Yeah, what about ...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

This is the first time in 5 years of using this site I remembered that it's my cake day. Im using this post to see the little cake emoji on it. That is all. ( included joke to qualify )

A man walks into a bar. He says ow.Thank you.

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

I started a dating site for people in my state who are infected with coronavirus

OK Covid

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A guy gets a job on a construction site. On his first morning, the foreman is showing him around...

... when one of the workers there puts his tools down, hops up on a cinder block, and shouts out, "73!" All the other workers laugh uproariously.

A few minutes later, another worker goes over to the cinder block and shouts out, "12!" Again, everyone laughs. Puzzled, the new guy asks the fore...

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

Do you want to hear a construction site joke?

I'm working on it

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

What do you call a dating site for santas?

The semicolon, it connects independent clauses

With the number of reposts on this site

"Reddit" is a pretty accurate name

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

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