UPJOKE
placewebsitelocatestationlocationsituationbuildingarealocuspositioncampsitepostpremiseslocalcomputer

Site Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a white nationalists favourite porn site ?

Only Klans

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?


Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.


Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.


Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "...

Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blondes at a construction site

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

\- "Why a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

my mum just started a dating site for chickens

She'd do anything to make hens meet

There is a new site for senior citizen dating.

Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a whe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

I once saw Medusa on a cam girl site

I was rock hard the entire time

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

How do you call the site where you hook up with old women?

Instagran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the construction site

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.

He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear.

So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.

He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then ...

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over..

My wife told me she’s had it with me talking like I’m the editor of a clickbait news site.

You won’t believe what happened next.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wifes eye site

A older man comes home from work,and he finds his wife standing in front of the mirror crying. He walks over and asks what's the matter hunny? THE WIFE SAYS. Can you find anything good about me. Look at me my hairs gray, my butt is sagging, my boobs are hanging down.. Is there anything left that's...

As we were leaving the cemetery we saw a man kneeling at a grave site.

He was crying and saying "Why did you have to die?" over and over. We decided to see if we could help out in some way, so I asked him if this was the grave of a close friend or of a family member?

He said "Neither, it's my wife's first husband."

What do you call an absolutely bizarre match on a dating site?

A tinder surprise egg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle school class went on a field trip to the construction site.

Suddenly, a worker falls to his death from the roof of an unfinished building. Because of this, the school decided to hold an accident prevention class. The teacher asks:

"Children, how do you think, why did that man fall?"

"He was standing too close to the edge of the roof!" - said L...

I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..

She's my Seoul mate.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

I joined a Ukrainian dating site

Now I have a chick in Kiev

Boss shows up at a job site

Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"

Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to go around to construction sites and give out handjobs.

A Jack off all trades.

What is a paladin’s favorite comedy site?

Something lawful

Patty and Mick are working on a construction site

Patty says to Mick. “I want the day off, so I’m going to act like a mad person and hope the manager lets me off”

Patty then proceeds to jump up onto the scaffolding and shouts over and over. “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb” He’s swinging around like a monkey on a tree and c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are working together on a job site

The man realizes he forgot to grab his 2 pound hammer and he and the woman are too far away from each other to understand what either of them are saying, so he tries to signal her.

To represent his need for the 2 pound hammer, he points at his eyes, makes a number 2 with his fingers and a wav...

What's the name of a dating site for people with lisp?

FAITHBOOK

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the most popular porn site in Kentucky?

Onlyfams

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option?

I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+.

Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

There was a construction site

There’s 3 labourers, ready for their morning job.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Chinese man.

The boss tells the Englishman, when I get back from lunch, I want this pile of dirt moved over there further.

To the Irishman, after he’s moved it, you need to spread the soil.

To ...

I joined a Christian dating site

And got Holy Ghosted

This site uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on the site. By continuing to use the site, you agree to accept these cookies.

I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old nun was living in a convent next to a construction site

She couldn't help but notice the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were ...

3 men on construction site

3 men are on a construction site of a highrise during lunch

1st guy opens up his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He says "ham ham ham that's all I get. If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping off this building and killing myself."

2nd guy opens up his lunch box and sees a turkey ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

I got banned from a Christian dating site

I suppose "hung like Jesus" *was* a poor choice for a username.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn sites should be .cum not .com

I’m serious. It would help with the disambiguation thing

All these dating sites are terrible for your self esteem.

If I wanted to feel neglected I’d go sit with my wife.

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

Man dies on a building site

The other builders gather around and discuss who should be the one to go and break it John's (dead guy) wife.

One volunteers, saying he is "good with this sensitive stuff".

A short while later he returns with 2 crates of beer.

"Where'd you get them", asks one of the builders...

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

What's the name of the X-rated photography site for fisherman?

OnlyFins.

Four guys were working on a construction site

They were talking about life and one of them misstepped on the scaffolding, fell from the fourth floor, hit his head and died on the spot.

His friends were all shaken. They called 911, took all legal actions they should and their friend's body was removed.

One of them, noticing they fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Crash Site

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer ...

LinkedIn is like reverse dating site for IT nerds

They get a lot of messages from girls

But ignore most of them

Why is this site named Reddit?

Because the other site really Blueit.

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

Speedy Gonzalez got a job at construction site.

His boss liked his lunches as fresh as possible. One of Speedy’s responsibilities was to go to the boss’s house each day at noon to get the lunch the boss’s wife had just prepared.

Speedy was the fastest to ever have this responsibility. Everyday for a year it took Speedy exactly 5 minutes to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.

After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.

He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”

“Yeah, what about ...

What's the most popular dating site in India?

Connect the dots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What porn site category is SFW at this government office?

Butt SECs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Indian Dating site?

Connect the Dots.



yeah idk don't judge i'm fucking bored

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call prostitutes on construction sites?

Tricks of the trade

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s a skeleton’s favorite porn site

Bonely fans

I'm done with dating sites

I'm only dating pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a car, a job and, pizza

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite social media site?

TikTok!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the ocean’s version of a porn site?

OnlyFins!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes for a job on a building site

Foreman says ‘important things first, can you make a cup of tea?’
‘Yeah’ he replies
‘Good’ says the foreman, ‘can you drive a forklift?’
He says ‘Why? How bigs the fucking tea pot?’

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

What do you call an online prostitution site?

A hornet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

But apparently that's not legal Tinder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sign Language at a construction site

These guys were working at a construction site building a multi story building. A guy on the fifth floor realizes that he needs a hammer but doesn't have one. Going down 5 floor again is too much of a hassle. So, he wants a guy on the ground to bring it up to him. He yells, but because of distance a...

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.

His wife, furious, comes to hospital.

"What happened?!"

"Well, I yelled: "John, throw me the hammer!"..."

"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"

"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remember...

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are working on a construction site.

Paddy is busy assembling the drain pipes and gutters. Meanwhile Thomas is moving a wheel barrow of bricks up to the building, carrying them up the scaffolding, emptying the barrow, then moving all the bricks back down to the barrow, repeating the process.

"What the hell do you think your doin...

With the number of reposts on this site

"Reddit" is a pretty accurate name

I made a web site for older people to hook up.

It's called Carbon Dating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a porn site that wanted me to sign up to a 12 month subscription.

If I could deal with that kind of commitment, I wouldn't be watching porn.

Women on dating sites are so confusing!

They ask for a "genuine guy" then block you when you send.........proof

So ya wanna be a DJ??? visit this site

Wikiwikiwikipedia

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

The size of the wildlife at construction sites is huge.

I mean, just look at the size of those cranes.

What's Russias favorite streaming site?

Nyetflix

What do you call a dating site for santas?

The semicolon, it connects independent clauses

A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.

Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."

Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that pe...

What's the most eco-friendly site on the Internet?

Reddit - it recycles most of its material.

What kind of lizard would you find on this site?

A karma chameleon.

I was going to write a joke about my favourite site...

But you've probably already Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prefer illegally downloading bangbros videos over watching free sites.

It feels more like I'm the one fucking the porn stars.

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it's lunch time on a construction site...

An Italian, Mexican, and an American are sitting on top of a construction building. It's their lunch break so they all get ready to eat and the Italian opens his lunch and says " Pizza! If I get pizza one more day I'm jumping off this building". The Mexican opens his lunch and it's tacos, and he sa...

An American man is visiting Sydney Australia. Going around seeing all the sites.

Suddenly he is struck by a car, injuring him, and putting him into a coma for 24 hours. He wakes up in the hospital, dazed and disoriented, he just sees the all white room. He hears a voice, and asks the nurse, "Did I come here to die?"
She turns and flatly responds, "Nah mate, you came here yes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman applies for work at a construction site.

Her skills and recommendations are superb, so the foreman is ready to offer her the job. "We are kinda rough here. And we use body parts in our "sign language" to get around the noise and distance on the site."

"No problem," she replies, "all part of the job."

Soon, the foreman is on...

Perfect Bio for any Chirstian Dating Site

I love Jesus and long walks on the water.

I tried joining a lumberjack site for some strength tips

I couldn't log in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During lunch break on a high rise construction site....

...Dave says, "Hey Daryl tell the crew how you made a fast $50 this morning!"

"It was weird!", says Daryl. "I was on the 23rd floor and bumped a brick off the edge, I immediately yelled out "FALLING BRICK!!!. There was a lady standing at the bus stop below, she heard me, stepped to the side a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English/Scottish/Irish construction site

An English man, Scottish man and an Irish man was working on top of a 400ft building.

Dinner time comes and they all sit down and open their sandwiches that their wives had prepared for them.

English man opens his and it's Ham

English man :- "I'm sick to death of fucking ham san...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a new helper on a construction site.

As he has very little experience, he is given to a mean old fitter. All day long the old fitter is, pick up the crap, bring me my wrench, and the kid gets fed up and said "what makes you so special, why you have to tell me what to do all the time?" The fitter says, "because I am smarter than you", "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

Have you heard about the new dating site for elderly people?

They call it Carbon-14.

Wanna hear a joke about construction sites?

Alright, I'm working on it.

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.