On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

Little Mary asks her mother: “Mum, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?”

A tad bit confused, her mother replies: “Mary, what do you mean by that?”

“Well”, Mary says. “This afternoon, I saw the maid laying on the kitchen table with her legs up. She was screaming: “Oh God, oh Lord, I’m coming, I’m coming!” Thankfully, daddy was laying right on top of her to stop her...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

What did the burglar say after he broke into Fort Knox by exploding a bomb?

Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.

The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". <...

What did the teddy bear say after he felt full?

I'm stuffed

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

Where does the suicide bomber go after dying?

All over the place

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why won’t cannibals eat obese people after they have had sexual reassignment surgery?

Trans fats are bad for your health.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

After my prostrate exam

The doctor left the room. The nurse walks in, and whispers to me the words no man wants to hear.

“Who was that man?”

A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped.

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening

When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I'...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Women used to chase after me...

then I stopped snatching their purses.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After the abortion ban in Alabama yesterday, my girlfriend is too scared to even have sex with me

Too bad my other sister isn't helping out either.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife isn’t speaking to me after I had “I Love You” tattooed on my dick

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

What comes after 69?

Mouthwash

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

&#x200B;

“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath....

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing th...

What did the cannibal say after he dumped his girlfriend?

Can you pass the toilet paper please?

John Cena is admitted to the Intensive Care Unit after losing consciousness

After waking up, he asks the doctor "Where am I?"

The doctor responds "The ICU"

John says "No you can't"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I named my WiFi network after my wife.

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

Why does a stadium get hot after a game?

All the fans leave!

Did you hear about the manned rocket that crashed shortly after launching from Alabama?

All the system warnings went off, but for some reason the pilot could not abort.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

How much space will there be in the EU after Brexit?

1 GB

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

Bob

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: "Do you shower after sex?"

Coworker: "Yes."

Me: "Then you should get laid more often."

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

I threw my ball into the crowd after I won the game.

And that's why they won't let me go bowling anymore.

:)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home.

After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. He leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on!...

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

What did the Blacksmith say to his apprentice after hammering down the metal bar

"That's upsetting"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the person who sleeps on the wet spot after sex?

Overcome

For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school.

Fred is all excited: “Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re rin...

What did the man say after his phone exploded in his mailbox?

Edit: Wow! RIP inbox! Thanks for blowing up my phone!

My math teacher asked me in class today "What comes after 69"?

Apparently mouthwash isn't the answer.

After my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, I decided to start thinking about names.

In the end I went for Juan Carlos and hopped on the next flight to Spain.

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

The irony struck the Alabama woman as she lay dying on a stretcher after walking miles in flip flops to get to the unlicensed rural abortion clinic and was asked how she felt after the procedure.

“Mah fetus killin’ me!”

After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA

It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

&#x200B;

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.

&#x200B;

“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”

&#x200B;

“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

A schoolmate paid me today, after I'd been helping him with geometry for a year...

We're square now

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

How did Mike Tyson feel after being hit by Mjolnir?

Thor.

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom;

in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date...

A man brought a lady back to his hotel after their first date. Things went well for the two and in the heat, clothes starting coming off. The man took his shoes and socks off, and the woman noticed that his toes were all gnarled and twisted. She said "...what's wrong with your toes?"

&#x2...

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

After a date, I asked this girl for a 68

“68? What’s that?” She asks

I replied “it’s where you blow me and I owe ya one”

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in vegas and decides to walk along the strip after a long night of gambling...

All of a sudden, the man is approached by a hooker.

Hoping to end the night well, the man asks "How much for a hand job?"

"$1000" replies the hooker.

"$1000? That's an insane amount for a hand job!" says the man as he begins to walk away.

The hooker stops him and says "Se...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

What did one fire tell to her husband, after their son's birth?

Honey... This is Arson.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get after 5 days of masturbation?

>A weak end.

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I can't believe after all the shit they're back together."

"Who?"

"My ass cheeks."

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

Why is there no '.' after the DR in "Dr Pepper?"

Because real doctors don't have periods

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents **took the first man** to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The first man said, 'You c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the local bar after a long day of work.

The man asks for a beer from the bartender and gets served his beer. While nursing the beer a drunk man stumbles up to him and says,

“Your mother gave me the best blowjob of my life last night.”

The man shrugs him off and goes back to nursing his beer, but the drunk is persistent an...

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

All that was left was de brie.

I once got kicked out of a Depeche Mode after show party for eating Dave Gahan's Brie and Stilton.

Apparently they were his own personal cheeses.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

What did the dispatcher say after he received a call about two men sucking each other off on a bus?

I’ve got reports of two men exchanging blows

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a magical frog sees a bear chasing after a rabbit for dinner.

In an attempt to bring peace to his magical forest, the frog hops up to the two and promises them 3 wishes each if they stop this violence. After both animals agreed, the frog chooses the bear to state his first wish, first. After thinking for a while, the bear says, "I wish for all the bears in thi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jake : "My sex life isn't that bad, all considered. After all these years I still fuck my wife once a week".

Joe : "Not bad ! Bit after all these years I can't complain either, I still do it every second day".
Andy : "That's cool. Myself i'm really lucky I guess. After all that time i still do it twice a day".
Jake : "But, Andy ! what are you saying ? You don't even have a wife !"

Andy : "...

Patient : Doc, what happens after we die ?

Simple! We clean the bed and admit a new patient.

I am going to build an app that allows people to charge rent to their adult children when they move back in after college.

It's called HeirBNB.

After 62 years of being devoted to Judaism, Abraham converts to Christianity

Distraught over this unexpected development, his life-long friend Moshe sends him a message.

Moshe: "Abraham, you schmuck! How could you abandon your faith?"

Abraham: "New Testament, who dis?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up after a plane crash

he finds himself on a beach with nothing around but palm trees, sand and the noise of the water hitting the sand bay.

Despite his pain in every single part of his body, he manages to get up and walk along the beach. Some airplane parts are lying around too and slowly the man realises, he must...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know sparrows die after sex?

At least the one I fucked did

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist.

In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

What did Garbanzo say to his friend Pinto after they hadn’t seen each other for years?

How you bean?

What do you call a woman who ghosts after a one-night stand?

A ding dong ditcher

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

When YouTube keeps recommending Iron Man videos after you seen Endgame

“Everywhere I go, I see his face”

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

Why is World Autism Day after April Fools’ Day?

Because it takes longer for them to get the joke.

After a magnitude of research I’ve come to the conclusion that...

Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism. Why? Because they’re the ones alive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

&#x200B;

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

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A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

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After about five minutes the...

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

What does a ska band do with their gear after a gig?

Pack it up pack it up pack it

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

What does someone with no hands say after buying a condom that doesn't fit?

"Fits like a glove."