This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

Little Mary asks her mother: “Mum, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?”

A tad bit confused, her mother replies: “Mary, what do you mean by that?”

“Well”, Mary says. “This afternoon, I saw the maid laying on the kitchen table with her legs up. She was screaming: “Oh God, oh Lord, I’m coming, I’m coming!” Thankfully, daddy was laying right on top of her to stop her...

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

What did the teddy bear say after he felt full?

I'm stuffed

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I named my WiFi network after my wife.

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

How much space will there be in the EU after Brexit?

1 GB

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: "Do you shower after sex?"

Coworker: "Yes."

Me: "Then you should get laid more often."

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom;

in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

​

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.

​

“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”

​

“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA

It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

After a date, I asked this girl for a 68

“68? What’s that?” She asks

I replied “it’s where you blow me and I owe ya one”

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening

When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know sparrows die after sex?

At least the one I fucked did

Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store

They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They...

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

​

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

​

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

​

After about five minutes the...

I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist.

In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags

A man tried to gather 50 crows together but was arrested and convicted after only getting two.

He was charged with attempted murder.

Why is World Autism Day after April Fools’ Day?

Because it takes longer for them to get the joke.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his bum.

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

After long consideration, my wife and I have decided we do not want to have children.

If anybody here does want children, just leave your contact info and we'll drop them off tomorrow

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.

​

“And did he make me too?” she asks next.

​

“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.

​

“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

What did the cop say to the black nurse after his vasectomy?

Don’t run, I shoot “blanks”

you know happened after I nuked china?

I Burned myself on the plate.

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make a woman scream after an orgasm?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing th...

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

Who can still be considered a virgin even after getting nailed?

Jesus

What did German kids get in the after going to the doctors office in 1939-45?

Swatztickers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor felt extremely conflicted after sleeping with his patient. One side of his head told him, "Relax. You're not the first doc to sleep with his patient and you'll not be the last."

The other side said, "You bastard. You should be knowing that you're a veterinary doctor."

After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling.

When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. <...

How come Hurricanes are usually named after women?

At first they are wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house, your car, and sometimes your kids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The second fastest thing in the world is how fast your anus closes after squeezing out a turd. The fastest?

That one drop of water.

Want to Be Remembered By all After You Die??

Just Borrow money From all of your Relatives Before Dying.

I became an anti-vaxxer after my doctor’s nurse insulted me.

Right before poking me with the needle, she said: “Get ready... little prick!”

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My life completely changed after I learned Morse code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?

With 2-in-1 shampoo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.

&#x200B;

“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.

&#x200B;

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the cl...

Bran Stark and Jamie Lannister cross paths for the first time after the incident...

Jamie: Hey, need a push?

Bran: No, but I could use a hand.

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back after you throw it?

A stick

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

&#x200B;

“Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath....

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

I felt pretty good after leaving the grocery store today

There was this woman there checking me out.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pornstar came home after a long day at work and said,

“Today’s been a real pain in my ass.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to talk to me after sex

So everynight she calls me from a motel room

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife has this weird kink, where she loves to bite and suck my foreskin after sex

Kind of makes me wish I threw it out after the circumcision

After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

What comes after 15 sodium atoms?

Batman

Yesterday my teacher asked me what comes after 69

Apparently mouthwash isnt the answer

After the resurrection from the dead, Jesus appeared to his disciples.

Jesus said: *"Peace be with you",*

and the disciples rejoiced. Simon stepped forward, troubled expression on his face and said: *"Jesus, was it me who betrayed you?"*

Jesus smiled and answered: *"No Simon, you did not betray me."*

Then John stepped forward and asked the same que...

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely \*whales\* from?"

Man can't get his leg back after amputation.

Doctor: Unfortunately, we can't give you your amputed leg back.

Me: I want it, it's my right.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Black people usually name their kids after stuff they can't afford.

Like Mercedes, Diamond, Hope, or Insurance.

Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?

However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

I want to go to Israel, get stoned and fûck a Jewish girl. After that I'll fûck a Palestinian girl..

..... and she'll get stoned.

I told my dying girlfriend i would only love again after an appropriate period of mourning.

She asked, how long is appropriate mourning?

I said at least one morning.

‪A student dies from exhaustion after being forced to write 1,000 lines on the chalkboard in detention.‬

Later in court, the judge rules that the teacher be given an equal punishment.

So the teacher is sentenced to death.

I’ve got an old project car that I named after my wife.

I haven’t turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.

I'm really scared to tell my wife to clean up after cooking breakfast...

I've been walking on eggshells all day.

What did the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

What does a communist say after they rage quit a video game?

I don’t know either, but they’ll probably be uninStalin the game.

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work

He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks "Hi, mate. Same as usual?"

"I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?" the man responded. "no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty." replied the barkeep.

A voice s...

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.

&#x200B;

“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

What did the comedian say to the bartender after the show ?

I'll have another round of applause

What's the most powerful country after USA ?

USB.

The first double Helium molecule should be named after Michael Jackson

HeHe

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

Johnny is looking after the cat while Mom and Dad are on vacation

After being away a few days, Mom calls Johnny to check in :

Mom: "Hi Johnny, how's the cat?"

Johnny: "I'm really sorry Mom, but she died."

She was very upset and angry at this news and she said to Johnny:

"That's a horrible way of breaking such news! Why couldn't you have...

I don't have a problem with kids being obsessed with fortnite. After all, they must have great hygiene...

Considering how much they floss

Women shouldn't have kids after 35.

That's way too many.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy in my town is hiding from the cops after he was caught having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

I used to work at a place where they crushed down soda cans after they were used.

I had to quit though, because it was just

*soda pressing*

After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs?

He would have trouble working with the four casts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,” the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow. “My wife is still alive.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A year ago I vowed only to smoke after sex.....

....I haven’t had a cigarette since.

Where is the safest place to hide after you murder someone?

Behind a badge.

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

After a night of passion with his girlfriend, this man notices a photo of a handsome young guy on her bedside table.

“Is he your brother?” the man asks hopefully.

“No,” she answers, kissing his ear.

“Is he one of your friends?” the man asks jealously.

“No, my dear,” she answers, clinging to him.

“But who is he?”

“It’s me... Before the surgery.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home after school one day.

His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”
The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”


Well, when dad comes home...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A class of children return to school after Christmas.

The teacher asks each child in turn to tell her what gifts they received. Little Paul replies "I got a choo-choo" "Now Paul," replies the teacher, " you're in the big school now, we call it a train not a choo-choo"

She turns to Tommy. "what did you get?" "A nee-naw", replies Tommy. "Now Tommy...

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

What kind of horses go out after dusk?

NIGHTMARES

There's a petition going around to name the black hole after Chris Cornell from Soundgarden

There gonna call it the cornhole

A professor told his class "Fame will come to you only after you succeed". A blonde girl asks

Who is seed?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

S&M after 20 years of marriage

she sleeps while you masturbate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

What did the right triangle do after he lost one of his angles?

He went on a tangent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me

\-How?

\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...