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After Jokes

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What is the sentence you can say after funeral and after sex?

She didn't suffer for too long,

Wife: Do men wipe after they pee?

Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

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After 20 years of marriage

After 20 years of marriage, the wife finds out that her husband has been using a strap on dildo to fuck her their entire marriage.

Angry about this, she confronts her husband. “What’s with the dildo?”

Calmly he replies, “What’s with the kids?”

what's the difference between a job and a wife after six years?

A job still sucks

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?










Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

"pre" means before and "post" means after...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...


preposterous!

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

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What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

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A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.

His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seduct...

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

I before E except after C

I would have never guessed the color Beige to be the most rebellious.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

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What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

What did Yoda tell Anakin after sleeping with Padame behind his back?

May divorce be with you

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

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Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

Why are hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they come, they are wild and wet. But when they leave, they take your house and your car.

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral

A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”

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A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep.

It was her worst fucking night mare.

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish

He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn't seem at all settled in its new home.


He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The cler...

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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Why do 50% of married men not fall asleep after sex?

Because they still need to drive home

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

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A woman was rushed to the hospital after stuffing 30 toy horses up her ass...

Her condition is stable.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does ...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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After sex last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

What do the English do immediately after winning the FIFA World Cup?

Turn off the Playstation.

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

\-Is Crimea ours?

\-Yes, it is.

\-And the Donbas?

\-Also ours.

\-Kyiv?

\-We got that too.

Satisfied, he drinks and asks:

\-Thanks. How much do I owe you?

\-5 eur...

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

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A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...

They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and
socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.

"I had tolio," He replied.
"Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress.
He tak...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

What does a politician do after he dies?

He lies still.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.

Its like I've never seen herbivore.

After calling 5 different home security companies...

....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

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"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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After a 2000 year absence, the Virgin Mary takes a trip down to earth.



After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Pe...

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

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A couple in bed after sex.

**Her**: My, you've got to be the worst lover in the world.

**Him**: Oh really? And how, exactly, did you figure this out in 17 seconds?

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

My girlfriend dropped this on me after some Tex-Mex last night ...

"I'm chilly"

She steps closer and takes my hand

"Will you be my con queso?"

And before I could even respond ...

"Sorry, was that too cheesy for you?"

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that?

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...

...they dilate!

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

My friend went missing after he set out to summit Mount Everest

After days of extensive search rescue workers found Himalayan dead in the snow.

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What did the Pokemon say after sleeping with Charmander?

Vulvasore.

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

what did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend

he wiped his ass

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

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After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard

I guess you could say I came to my senses

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My Wife Likes to Talk After Sex

But I wish she’d stop calling from hotel rooms.

-Rodney Dangerfield

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

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After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

What did all the abortion doctors do after abortion was banned?

They went to plan b.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

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Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed th...

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Jussie Smollett was released after 6 days into his 150 day sentence

He must be pretty upset that his attacker got out so early.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

What comes after death?

A Necrophiliac

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

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