On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first t...

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

A man took an airline company to court after they misplaced his luggage...

He lost his case.

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

European

Little Mary asks her mother: “Mum, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?”

A tad bit confused, her mother replies: “Mary, what do you mean by that?”

“Well”, Mary says. “This afternoon, I saw the maid laying on the kitchen table with her legs up. She was screaming: “Oh God, oh Lord, I’m coming, I’m coming!” Thankfully, daddy was laying right on top of her to stop her...

Two teenagers, Liam and Noah were sitting outside on a bench after school...

...Liam looked at Noah.

"Yo dude, did you do anything fun this weekend?"

Noah replied," Not really, how about you?"

"Oh man, I was at Joe's house for a party last night and he had toilet bowls made of pure gold, You wouldn't believe it!"

"No way dude, that's impossible, ...

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.

His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?"

He replied, "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play Scrabble with me ever again

What did the Cannibal say after he dumped his girlfriend?

Nothing, he just wiped his ass.

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?", he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable".

A young man, an Mafia man, and a priest from Texas were talking to God right after they died.

Young Man: God, why did I choke to death while I was eating samples shopping at the grocery store and not while I was old and surrounded by my family?

God: To save you from an impending threat, my child. What would have happened otherwise would have prevented a open casket funeral for your f...

After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?

I want Samoa!

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening

When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I'...

[NSFW] I after years I finally found my wifes g-spot.

Who would have guessed I found it in her sister.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

What did the teddy bear say after he felt full?

I'm stuffed

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

5 year old son, after reading story of a king...

Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wifes.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son!

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wifes...

Only after I started eating out my girlfriend did I realize she was on her period.

Egg on my face, right?

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

One night, after a romantic meal, I was walking home with my girlfriend, and I decided it would be the right time to propose to her.

So I turned to her, looked her in the eye and got down on one knee. But, as I was grabbing the ring, the old local drunk named Joseph came by. He'd injured his eye and was wearing a cotton patch to cover it. No one knew where he'd once lived and he never told. But, he stumbled over, grabbed my girlf...

A death row prisoner found himself in the heaven after his death.

He asked the god,"Do all executed prisoners go to heaven?"

The god replied,"No,but all organ donors will go to heaven."

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

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How do you keep you wife screaming after sex?

Wipe yourself off on her new curtains

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

Five years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams to go out on a date with me. Today, after FINALLY working up the courage, I asked her to marry me!

She said no both times...

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

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A husband comes home after a week long trip.

He tells his wife "I want you so much after this trip"
He brings her to their bed and they have loud sex all night long.
At some point, the neighbor bang on the wall and screams "Shut up ! It's been 8 days like that, I can't take it anymore !"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing th...

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV....

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What comes after death?

A necrophiliac.

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A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

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What drink did the alligator drink after sex?

Gatoraids.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

I didn’t know my girlfriend after she turned vegetarian.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

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Cigarette after sex helped me...

...to quit smoking

What did the bear say to the other bear after Ronald McDonald ran away from him?

That’s the problem with fast food

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

I saw an attractive man spank his child after the child threw his fries

I then saw an old lady walk up to them and drop her fries

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A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

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Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

Why did Batman turn Catwoman into the police after she gave birth?

Because *littering* is a crime.

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

One day after school, Wendy was dared by one of her class,ages to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the top and gets her five dollars. Upon reaching home, she told her mom after school, feeling proud of what she did.

“Oh Wendy, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her ...

What did the dough say to the rolling pin after receiving a compliment?

You flatter me.

What do you say after eating out a trans woman?

"Compliments to the Surgeon!"

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

I’ve become a millionaire shortly after marriage!

I used to be a billionaire before getting married.

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young beautiful woman ..

and now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.


“I'm all for spending time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”


Friends advised him to keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in...

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

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After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush

So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

What do you call Batman and Robin after the get run over by a steam roller?

Flatman and Ribbon.

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

A doctor gets a chestnut dacquiri every day after work at the bar across the street.

He's been doing this for a couple of years at this point, and so the bartender, Jim, knows him. He forgot the man's name so at this point he just calls him "doc". In fact the doctor has been doing this for so long at the same time every day that the bartender prepares the dacquiri before he gets the...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

What did the pirate say to his wife after he got back from the Honda dealer?

We have an Accord.

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar

They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

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My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt

I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

A 9yr old girl disappeared today after using moisturiser...

Well.. the bottle did say *"look 10yrs younger!"*

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My wife likes talking to me after sex

So she just called me from a hotel and we had a really nice conversation

What did the boy say after finding a book of maps?

'Yes! Atlas!'

What did the cannibal say after eating a vegetable ?

.
.
.
.
.
What should I do with the wheelchair?

My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season?

He got Wookie of the year.

After reading about all the negative effects of drinking and smoking I've decided to quit

reading

What do you call someone who puts the milk after the cereal?

A cereal killer.

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What does a robot do after having sex?

Nuts & Bolts

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

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Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

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After 20 years of marriage...

My wife and I were fooling around and she finally discovered that spot on my body that puts me over the edge!

My penis.

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"

\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"

\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.

The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"...

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

So a GMO scientist, after a successful series of test results, turns to his lab mates to congratulate them and say

"You're the team of the crop"

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A porn company finally hired me after many auditions...

There was a lot of back and forth and I always gave it my best shot.

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

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My friends didn't anticipate upset stomach after eating at Barcelona.

Obviously, nobody expects the spanish indigestion.

What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

"You crossed the wrong guy."

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

Jesus had a twin that was abducted shortly after birth

In other words, there was doppelganger stranger danger in the manger.

What’s the nicest thing to say after a break up with a girl from Alabama?

I hope we can still be cousins

What’s did the clock say to the minute man after his one night stand?

Congrats on the secs

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Looks like there have been a trend of divorcing and marrying again after having a child in the 90`s

Because this is the only explanation of such an amount of step brothers and sisters I see on Pornhub.

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What does a Roman emperor say after having sex?

Veni veni veni!

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

After extensive testing the C.I.A. has gotten down to it's final 3 candidates of this recruiting cycle, being 1 female and 2 males.

The recruiter tells them that in working for the C.I.A they need to be ready for anything and the final test is to prove this.

The recruiter explains that each recruit will have to go into the interrogation room that their respected husband or wife is in and kill them with the gun provided. ...

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

What did one twin say to the other after surviving a failed abortion.

They will never de-fetus.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

What did Gandhi say to the British after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

Where did Suzie go after she got lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

I never considered myself to be sentimental, but after I got my pacemaker...

I knew it would always have a place in my heart.

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What did the testicle torture enthusiast say after a long day?

Ahhh, time to hit the sack.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

After a family dinner full of fun, my wife sarcastically complimented me that I have become a true master at dad jokes...

... to which I responded, “ I guess I’m officially a groan man.”

How do drunk Australians get home after a night out?

They take a Kangaruber.

Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

I asked my yoga teacher if he was going to go home from the studio right after class,

He said: Namaste.

What goes after 69?

Mouthwash.

Me after my 6th tequila shot

My brain: What u doing?
My stomach: What u doing?
My liver: What u doing?
Me to my ex: What u doing?

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After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

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