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A police officer pulled me over

He walked up to my car and said, "Papers?" to which I replied "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.


I think he wants a rematch because he's been following me for an hour.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

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A woman was chatting to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

What’s the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?

The velociraptor can open doors.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I WILL find you...

You have my Word.

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Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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An elderly couple are at the doctor’s office for their annual checkup.

The husband goes in first. After the doctor runs all of his tests, he tells the man that all was well. The man says:

“Thank you doctor, but I won’t be coming around here no more. God will take care of me the rest of the way.”

The doctor looks at the man, a bit puzzled and says: “Ho...

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

A marine biologist walks into the post office

A marine biologist walks into the post office and says he needs to send a large tank overnight. The postal worker asks for the dimensions of the tank and when the biologist gives them to him the postal worker says, "We can't send a tank that big overnight. It'll have to go by freight train."

...

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make...

An engineering student is called into the Dean’s office…

The dean says “While we know you are doing well in your engineering studies, there some very troubling reports from your core curriculum professors. In English, your professor says you constantly use the passive voice in your essays; your art history professor says you are constantly confusing Carav...

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

Me: Officer, why are you crying as you’re writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s …a moving violation.

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Guy walks into a doctor's office...

...says - Doctor, there's something wrong with my cock.

Dr says - ok, pull down your pants and I'll have a look.

Guy pulls down pants. He has a tiny cock. Size of a tiktak.

Dr bursts out laughing, says - What's wrong with it?

Guys says - It's swollen.

I'll open a bar and call it "The Doctors Office"

Motto: Get your shots here

A young couple walks into the doctors office.

The wife start complaining to the doc: "look, we have been married for three weeks but he hasn't even tried to touch me downthere". The doc says "well we'll fix that, please strip down and lay overthere" the doc turns to the man and tells him to watch closely.
While the man watches, the doc give...

A Police officer knocks on the door and says to the man “I’m sorry to say this sir but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck.

The man replied, “Yeah, but she has a great personality”

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

“Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. ...

A man walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but saran wrap.

The doctor says; "Well I can clearly see you're nuts."

I took a Microsoft Office class in high school.

I Excelled in it

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

I took my 8 year old daughter to the office on “Take Your Kid To Work Day.”

When we walked in the office she
started to cry.

As concerned staff gathered round I
asked her what was wrong and she
said, "Daddy where are all the clowns
you said you worked with?"


Funny joke I found online a little while ago lol.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

blonde goes to the doctor office

She is complaining her entire body hurts. The doctor asks her the point to where it hurts. The blonde starts touching all over her body wincing in pain every time. Doctor says "maam its not your body. You have a broken finger".

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An old man goes to the doctors office. The doctor asks "what's the problem?"



The old man says, "I had an erection."

The doctor looks at the patient's chart and says, "I see you've been prescribed Viagra for your blood pressure. That's a common side effect. How long has it lasted?"

The old man replies, "only 10 minutes."

The doctor says, "...

Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:

"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?

When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...

When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...

When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...

When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"

The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

An officer is at the scene of a car accident filling out a report...

Officer: "Let's see here, driver deceased.
Cause of death? Decapitation. Location of body? Torso in gutter, head in medeon... uh... meddi... medan..." *kicks head*... "Head also in gutter."

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A retired police officer passed away. The chief of police...

made a speech at the funeral and said “may he arrest in peace”

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The Office Party

Bob woke up with an intense hangover and his wife was staring at him angrily.

She asked, “Do you remember what happened last night at the office party?”

Bob answered groggily, “No.”

His wife said, “You got drunk then proceeded to insult your employees and y...

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

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A man was in a very attractive female doctor’s office….

She said “you’ve got to stop masturbating”.
He said “why so?”

“Because I’m trying to examine you”

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. ...

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

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A school principal arrives in his office when the phone rings.

"I'm afraid my daughter won't be in school today," says the voice on the other line. "She has a terrible cold."

"I'm sorry to hear this," says the principal. "I hope her cold gets better soon. Who is this calling?"

"This is my mom."

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

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A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

Rock, paper and scissors were fired as recruitment officers

They only gave hand jobs

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist, and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

A man walks into a doctor's office...

and says "Doctor I need two pairs of glasses as soon as possible."
Doctor- Why do you need two pairs?
Patient- Because I'm seeing double.

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

A police officer is eating chicken with rice, sitting across from a stranger

While eating he says, "Boy do I sure love Jasmine rice."

The stranger sitting across from him says, "That's not Jasmine rice, it's Basmati."

The police officer replies, "Are you sure? Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it?"

To which the stranger responds, "No, I know ...

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

Rookie cop pulls over an old biker…

A rookie police officer pulls an old biker over for speeding:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Off...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from scho...

Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself

He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"

(edit - typo)

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

What did the police officer say to the criminal hiding under the bed?

“You’re under rest”

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Honest, officer, I was not paying this woman for sex.

I was paying her to lower her standards.

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A man walks into the doctors office

"What seems to be the problem?" Asks the elderly receptionist.
"Somethings wrong with my dick!"
"Sir!" The receptionist exclaimed "you can't say that in front of everyone! You just embarrassed me and you embarrassed everyone in the waiting room."
"Well you asked" said the man.
"Yah but y...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.

"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.

"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.

Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood p...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

I just got out of the doctors office.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Like what, burgers and fries?

Dr: No, fatty, don't eat anything.

A blonde driver is stopped by a police officer who asks for her driver's license.

Once he gets it, he asks the blonde, “could you tell me the first 3 numbers of your driver’s license without the first letter?

And the blonde replies, “just because I’m blonde you think I’m stupid? Of course I can, …ix, …hree, …ix”

How do Russians greet officers?

If it's a russian officer, they throw up one hand at the top, if a Ukrainian officer, then two.

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

Blonde, brunette, and redhead in an OBGYN office...

The brunette says her kid will be a priest, because she likes missionary position.

The redhead says her kid will be a construction worker, because she likes it piledriver style.

The blonde bursts into tears, and cries "Oh no, I'm having puppies!"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

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A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

A police officer is called out to a noise complaint at a sorority house.

When he gets there he notices that a lot of the girls have a lisp.

After giving his warning he pulls three girls aside to take their names.

"What's your name?" He asks the first girl.
"My name ith Kayleigh".

"Okay" says the officer, and he jots down her name and turns to the ...

For those of you saying the Uvalde officers disprove the "good guys with guns" defense

Remember that only applies to GOOD people.

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A little old Italian man goes to the US patent office.

He sits patiently in the waiting room with a small brown bag in his lap. After about an hour, a young man greets him and invites him into the office.

The worker asks the gentleman why he was there. The Italian man says, “ima gonna show you sumtig. You gonna love it!”.

He opens the bag...

Policeman: "How high are you?!?"

Me: "No, officer, it's *Hi, how are you*."

An American and a Russian were arguing about the differences in their countries.

The American says: Listen in my country i can walk into the oval office and i can hit the desk with my fist and say “ President Biden I do not like the way you’re governing our country”

The Russian says: i can do that.

The American says: what how?

The Russian says: i can go st...

One day, a blonde walked into a doctor's office with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor asked her what had happened.

She says, "Well..... I was ironing out my work suit and the phone rang, but I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."

The doctor says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"The phone rang again", came the r...

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

a man goes into a doctors office for a prostate exam

The patient says "hey doc where should I put my pants?"
The doctor says "ah just put them next to mine"

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

An old woman walks into a dentist's office,

Took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said "I think you have the wrong room." "you put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

Why did the police officer arrest the skeleton?

They could see the joint in his hand.

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

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A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happe...

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An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

A Soviet joke

A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to the...

A father heard his daughter praying inside her room...

Daughter: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, Goodbye grandpa..."
Dad: Honey, why did you say "goodbye grandpa"?
Daughter: I don't know daddy, it just feels right.

The grandpa died the following day but that dad thought it's just a coincidence.
One week later, he he...

The Pope takes his first trip to New York City...

The Popemobile didn't fit on the plane, so he gets an armored limousine. The driver, a Catholic, is eager to please, so he asks the Pope if there's anything he can provide, to which the Pope says:

"If it's not a bother, I'd actually love to drive, it's the only thing I miss about my pre-Pope ...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

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I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed a shit.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking."

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

A dog goes in to the telegram office

A dog goes in to the telegram office, says "I'd like to send a telegram to London. Here's a card with the recipient's details. I'd like the telegram to say:

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

The attendant says, "No worries good sir. Just so you know, we charge by the word and we a...

A man and a woman are talking in the office.

The man says: "I'm so tired from working, I wish I could get a day off."

The woman replies: "Don't worry, I have a way of doing that. Just watch me."

The woman proceeds to hang from a pipe.

Suddenly, the boss walks in a says: "What in the world are you doing?"

The woman r...

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This guy was cruising along a deserted Texas highway on his way to work..

doing 92 mph in an 85 zone. As he crests a slight hill he gets nailed by a highway patrolman running radar. Easing over onto the shoulder and coming to a stop, the officer walks up to the car and asks "License and registration please, and where the hell are you going in such a hurry?"

The...

A man had a cattle ranch that he ran with his two daughters.

One day their only bull went crazy, broke through the fence and killed the man. The bull was injured and was attacking everything and everyone in sight. The daughters had to put him down. They needed a new bull, but they only had $1000 in cash. So one daughter decided to go to town and see if she co...

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A Kid is called into the principals office

The principal says “What's your name, son?" The principal asked The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer and almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning. Then I messed up by saying...

“And that’s not even the booze talking!”

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The voodoo dildo

An old joke probably a repost, one of the few jokes I remember.

A woman went to town for shopping and she found this newagey shop. Curious she went in and looked around when she saw this huge dildo sitting in a corner behind some stuff. She asked the shopowner about it and he told her it's a ...

A coal miner is driving to work one day.

He gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks, who's car is this? Where are you going? What do you do for a living?

The man responds "mine"

KGB had trouble with distinguishing Leonid Brezhnev and a spy who was about to impersonate him. Suddenly one of the officers had a great idea.

They told both of them "Say this sentence: Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people."

One of them says "Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people"

The second says "Glory to USSR, our... our... hmmm."

They asked him, why can't he repeat it.

T...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...

The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:

\- Private, did you come here to die?

To which he responds:

\- No sir, I came here yesterday.

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A guy walks into his therapist’s office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

Therapist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Sorry if repost or seen before this one just made me giggle, saw it in a thread and wanted to share the laugh I take no credit for this.

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NSFW joke I heard from an officer while in the army (translated from Greek)

Three friends are sitting in a bar.

One of them starts bragging, "Guys, my stamina in bed is fucking amazing. I can fuck 3 women in one go". The other two respond "Yeah right mate.. how about you prove it?". So they bring in 3 women and stand them naked up against the wall.

He starts...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

USSR time, a man came to KGB office

USSR time, a man came to KGB office.
Man: I lost my parrot.
Officer: we got nothing to do with that, but you can report lost pet to Militia (Police).
Man: well, I just want to say I don't share my parrots opinion about general secretary and the communist party.

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Stalin sits inside of his office in the Kremlin.

He is attending a meeting of extreme importance with Marshall Zhukov. Outside of the office, sits Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev.

Soon enough, Marshall Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office, mumbling "Murderous mustache...". Poskrebyshev's face bleaches, as he storms inside of the office scre...

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says,"Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case".
Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around thi...

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