Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass

The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my word!

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

"Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Floyd: "Hello. Is this the Sheriff's office?"

Sheriff: "Yes."

Floyd: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood! I don't know how he gets in in the logs, but he's hiding it!"

Sheriff: "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the police officer paint his penis black?

So he could beat it at work without penalty.

Saw an office sign the other day, it said Ditcher, Quick & Hyde...

...Divorce lawyers

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

A mother and her daughter went to the doctor's office...

The mother asked her doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her" the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped,"That's nonse...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at l...

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

A dentist opened an office on a boat. What was the boat's name?

The *Tooth Ferry*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"

No idea, they just ransomware

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

Our photocopier in the office is called Bob Marley

'cause it's always jamming.

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

A police officer told me once: "We'll never forget 9/11".

I said: "Of course you won't, it's your phone number!"



\- Jimmy Carr

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

The little boy sees a police officer and runs up "Hey, come quick! My father is in a fight with another man!"

The officer follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there are two men fighting tooth and nail.

"Ok, sonny, now which one's your father?"

"I DON'T KNOW! That's what they're fighting about!"

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."

"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

A man walks into a psychiatrist office naked except his lower body is covered in Saran wrap...

As soon as the docter sees him he says”I can clearly see your nuts”

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient is waiting in the doctors office...

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm about to give you your flu shot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss called me into his office..

... to complain that I was testing the company's products on animals.

I said "Shampoo companies do it all the time."

He said, "Yes, but we make dildoes"

If I told you I had a Microsoft Office pun

Would you say "Word"?

In the Oval Office

Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani are in the Oval Office and are arguing about the weather. Trump says it's snowing, while Guiliani says it's drizzling. Melania enters the room, and sees the argument in full display. Finallly she interjects by saying, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear," and leaves the ...

So I went to the Doctor's office, and he said I have Hypochondria

I thought, "Not that as well"

An officer pulls over some guy

Officer: “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Motorist: “No, officer. Nope. No way. I’m a non-drinker now. I gave up drinking and a haven’t touched a drop since.”

Officer: “That’s great to hear, sir. Congratulations!”

Motorist: “Thank you, officer. Yep, best decision of my life.”
<...

In my old fashioned office the multifunction printer broke down.

No fax was given that day...

Why do Hong Kong police officers wake up so early?

To beat the crowd

A man walks into a doctor’s office...

A man walks into a doctor’s office.

He walks up to the registration desk and says, “I have a 1:30 appointment.”

“Awesome!” says the secretary. “Which doctor?”

“No,” the man goes. “The regular one.”

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?

Because he never had to run for his office

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thank you so much for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again

Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!

I saw a doctor's office that does proton therapy.

I never thought that subatomic particles would need therapy, but I guess it's not easy being positive all the time.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop trying to play the race card.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?" The moth replies, "Doc, let me tell you. I hate my job. Every single day I have to go & I hate my boss and I hate my job. I wake up every day next to a woman that I once loved, but I stopped loving her long a...

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

What do you call a guy that only has 1 copy of Microsoft office?

A man of few words

To the person who stole my bag with my antidepressants, my glasses and my Microsoft office CD in.

I hope your happy, I will find you, I have contacts, you have my word.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, thats got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site"

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget.

So they had to start cutting coroners

I was at the Doctor's office

The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Doctor opened a small office to provide care to an Indian reservation.

One day, an Indian arrives to the office, looks at the Doctor and says:

*-Big Chief. No poop.*

The Doctor smiles. He says: -*Say no more!*

He opens a cabinet and takes a small bottle with a Syrup. He gives it to the Indian with easy instructions:

*-Tell the Chief he nee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a therapists office

Therapist: why are you—-

Man: AHHHHH

Therapist are you ok?

Man : AHHHHHHH

Therapist: Sir what’s wrong !

Man: I’m afraid of letters !

Therapist: you are ?

Man: AHHHHHH

Therapist: Oh I see

Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked.

The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

a moth goes into a pediatrist’s office

the pediatrist asks the moth, “what seems to be the problem?”

the moth responds, “My whole life is a mess. My marriage is in shambles, my daughter married this guy who I despise and who despises me, my son is a wretched failure, which only reflects my own failures.”

Understandably conf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't keep the officer waiting!

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn't caught anyone up to this point. As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth. The police officer turns on his lights, hits the acce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes into a doctor’s office

Says “Doctor doctor, I keep getting these terrible headaches at night.”

Doctor goes “Hm, tell me, do you masturbate at all?”

Guy says “Well... sometimes, yeah...”

Doctor says “Oh it’s fucking brilliant isn’t it!”

A aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this. He sinks back in his chair, saying OMG over and over.

Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

A man walks into the doctors office

A man walks into the doctors office and says: doctor doctor I keep bursting into song!

doctor:you have Tom Jones syndrome

man:Tom Jones syndrome? Is it rare?

Doctor:it’s not unusual

Did you hear about the Rabbi that ran for political office?

He ran a schmear campaign.

My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the medical office yesterday and...

the doctor came in, looking over a clipboard, "Yeah, you're going to have to stop masturbating.

I asked, "But why, doc?"

He said, "Because I need to give you an exam."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female officer is arresting a man

“ Anything you say can and will be held against you “ she says

Man : boobs!

A couple is trying to have a kid

they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks a...

A man is driving down the road with several knives in the back of his truck when a police officer pulls him over

The police officer asks the man, "Why do you have so many knives in the back of your truck?"

The man responds, "Well sir, I'm a juggler it's part of my act."

The police officer responds snarling, "We've had several homicides the past few weeks I'm going to need you to prove it!"
...

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

What do you call a monkey that's a fan of The Office?

A Jim-Pam-zee.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office complaining about a pain in his private parts.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “We will start with a sperm test. Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

The mother of a beautiful girl enters the office of a general

"General! One of your soldiers got my daughter pregnant! I demand you punish the soldier and the military pay alimony for the child!"

The general stands up, grabs his sword, unsheaths it and hands it to the lady, keeping the sheath in his hands.

He says "Would you kindly help me put th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a crowded waiting room at his doctor's office and approached the front desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was...

What's the opposite of Microsoft Office?

Macrohard Onfire.

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

We had a party in the office yesterday.

As the evening progressed, a rather overweight female coworker of mine decided to dance on the table.

I remarked: “Wow, really impressive legs!”


She blushed and asked if I really meant it. “Absolutely, Karen! An average table would have collapsed by now!

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay

"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"

"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

An employee gets called into his boss’s office...

Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?...

A guy walks in to the Sheriffs office...

Guy: Hello sir, might I make an inquiry?

Sheriff: Certainly, citizen. What ailes you?

Guy: Would you be so kind as to let me paint you?

The guy points to a chair. The Sheriff looks puzzled as to this weird inquiry, but agrees and take a seat on the chair. The guy starts painting...

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

Officer pulls a guy over and says to him, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been drinking?”

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

[Dad pun] What did the police officer say to the tired robber?

Looks like you need arrest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out." I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

I asked a young lady at the office to bring me a newspaper

Then I got a lecture about this generation's advanced technology and how old and obsolete I am... At last she gave me her smartphone.


Long story short -

Fly's dead.

Phone's broken.

Girl's crying.

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