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Office Jokes

An eight year old girl went to the office with her Dad on a "Take your kid to work day".

As they were walking around the office the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing. Her father asked what was wrong with her?

As the concerned office staff gathered around she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

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What’s something you can hear in both a doctor’s office and during sex?

You might feel a little prick.

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

A blonde was speeding when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got ...

What's the difference between an American police officer and a bullet?

If a bullet kills someone that means it's been fired

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great ga...

To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

I had to get my blood drawn at the doctors office the other day

And the nurse didn’t even bring her colored pencils.

It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

I took a Microsoft Office class and got an A

I Excelled at it.

To whomever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you

You have my Word.

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

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Last Night my wife dressed as a police officer and accused me of being too good in bed.

But after 1 minute and 20 Seconds, All charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

A cat walks into a doctor's office

A cat walks into a doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"

The cat says, "Me-ow."

The doctor replies, "I know, but where?"

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

So a Police Officer pulls over a little old lady in a car going a bit too slow…

Police officer asks the usual, “…know why I pulled you over…” “…license, registration, proof of insurance…”

Lady hands everything over as usual,

And then the Officer asks, “Ma’am, you got any weapons in the car I should know about?”

Old Lady answers “a .45 at my waistband, a Glo...

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

Police officer: sir, you can’t fish here

Man: I’m not fishing, I’m teaching my pet worms how to swim.

Three dogs were waiting at the vets office.

Three dogs are sitting at the vets office, waiting for what they fear may be the worst.

The first dog says "I got out of the house and dug up all of the roses in my owner's yard, I'm afraid they've brought me here to be put down for all the trouble I've caused!"

The second dog says "Yo...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital. I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the very personal examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

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It’s a rainy Tuesday and a dwarf lady runs into a doctors office in tears.

She sobs and tells the doctor “I can’t stand it any more, every time it rains I get a terrible pain in my crotch! Can you help me?”

The doctor is rightly baffled by this, so he asks the lady to get on the table so he can examine her. Straight away he says “Ah I can see the issue, and I’m sure...

The passenger check-in officer asked the photon if they had any luggage.

The photon replied, "No. I'm travelling light."

A woman died at her office birthday party.

She said she wanted yellow cake. Long story short, we're not allowed to have any more parties at the nuclear plant.

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He tells the psychiatrist that he and his wife have been trying for years to achieve simultaneous orgasms.

The psychiatrist says to him, "Say no more, I have the solution." with that, he pulls out a starter pistol and hands it to the man.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asks.<...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

What is every nail salon hiding in their back office?

A bunch of pedi files.

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

The CEO's wife was visiting the office and talking to her husband's secretary.



After a while she commented, "You know, your grammar is not very good. You're always confusing 'me' and 'I'."

The secretary replied, "Maybe, but your husband is worse. He's always confusing me with you."

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office...

Totally naked, wrapped in plastic wrap.

He said, "Doc I need help..."

The doctor said, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Why can't you run inside the office building?

Because it's nsfw.

A police officer sees a man driving erratically down a busy road.

He watches as a driving dangerous weaves through traffic in a zig zag formation, narrowly avoiding busy traffic.

The police officer flags him down and walks up to the driver's window. He sees the other male passenger bent over the driver and then jolt back into the seat in shock. The male dri...

A soldier defied a superior officer and was confined to quarters

He had to turn in his pennies, nickels, dimes, and all paper money.

What are security officers called at a trampoline park?

Bouncers

An armed man ran into a real estate office

He shouted, "Nobody move!"

Old lady at dentist's office

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.


Dentist: "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

I asked the IT guy at the office, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually talk to her about my career.”

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A woman was chatting to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car

A man gets pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the window.

“You were going 20 over the limit. License and registration please.”

The man in the car hands over his documents and says “just so you know, I have a dead body in the trunk.”

The officer immediately has the...

What do you call the nurse who’s knees are always dirty when she leaves the doctors private office?

Head nurse.

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

The medical examiner's office was told to reduce their budget

They had to start cutting coroners.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

I wish this was a joke

So I’m a primary care physician and last week we did away with mandatory masking.

Today one of my young female front office girls approached me and said “People are so much nicer to me when I tell them they don’t have to mask anymore!”

I said “Thats great!”

She said “yeah, it’s...

Cop asks a guy..how high are you?

Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

I used to sell office supplies to the mafia, file cabinets and label makers and such

I was involved in very organized crime

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Johnny wanted to have sex !!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a £100 if you let me screw you, But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, ...

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

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Why wasn’t the premature ejaculator in the office?

He got off early

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll...

A Crazy Man Walks Into His Psychiatrist's Office

Completely naked & wrapped in saran wrap...

His Psychiatrist takes one look and says,

....."Wow! I can clearly see your nuts."

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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A woman sits in a gynecologist's office

She's getting her exam done. The doctor looks up at her and says, "Uh, Mrs. Johnson? Everything looks perfect, but I've got to tell you you have an extremely large vagina."

The woman gets all pissed off, she's offended as hell. The whole way home, she's driving home thinking *'Damn doctor, he...

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical...

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

...

I was confused when my boss fired me for constantly having erection at the office

He is the one who told me he liked seeing employees hard at work.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually...

A man walks into a doctor's office

The receptionist greets him. "Hello, sir. Do you have an appointment?"

The man responds, "oh, sorry. The flair said this was a bar."

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

Stalin's assistant enters his office

"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"

Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."

The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.

Later, with ...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

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A coworker comes into my office complaining about life…

He says more money will free him up to do more things.

I told my coworker, it’s all relative. My friend has reached a point in his life where he gets to…

work out 7 days a week.
Read more books than he’s ever thought of.
Only does volunteer work.
Has 3 meals prepped for him d...

Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?

Because it is cheaper.

What do the Super Bowl and a doctor’s office have in common?

Aaron Rodgers won’t get a shot at either.

This joke killed when I was a kid. Let me know how it holds up.

One time 3 boys went to the mall, their names were Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

While at the mall Trouble got lost. The other boys went up to a police officer and told him their brother was lost.

The officer asked "what are your name?"

The boys responded "Shut Up and Be Quiet"...

A man and his wife are speeding down the highway when they get stopped by a police officer

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asks
"Not really" the man answers
"Don't worry, sir, you're not in trouble, I actually pulled you over because I find the way you drive your car really impressive, you're a skilled driver, I bet you aced your driving exam and really earned that ...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

To attract this man's attention, the lawyer picks up his phone and pretends to be on the phone with a client

The Lawyer: (On the phone) yes, sir, yeah....I told you I never lost a case in my career. Yeah, sure, why no...

A dog walks into a telegraph office

He says to the operator take a message.

"Bark bark bark, bark bark bark, bark bark; bark."

The operator says "You could send ten barks for the same price."

The dog replies "Well then it wouldn't make any sense."

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

A man was waiting at the doctors' office for an examination

At one point the nurse came out and said, "Sir, Dr. Rekanovitash will see you now."

"Which doctor?" asked the man

And the nurse said "No- He's an MD like the others."

Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

At the office, I am known as "The Computer".

Not because I am smart. But if you leave me unattended for 30 minutes, I go to sleep.

Putin is working in his office planning the Ukraine war, when the ghost of Stalin suddenly appears.

Putin takes the opportunity to seek advice: “Stalin, what happened? why are things not working out for us?” Stalin gives him the advice: “Send 5 million Russians to their deaths at war, and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks Vladimir Putin.

“I knew you wouldn’t have a problem with ...

A cop pulls over an old couple…

Asks for license and registration and asks do you know how fast you were going sir?

- husband: “gee officer Im not sure”
- wife: 85 mph officer, he passed several signs before you pulled him over”
The husband then looks the wife with the corner of his eye obviously upset

The poli...

Physics Professor is sitting in the office of the Director of the University

And the Director tells him: "You physicists and your experiments are so damn expensive with all your special machines and exotic materials. Why can't you be more like the mathematicians? All they ever ask for is paper, pencils and a trashcan. Or even better, the philosophers. They don't even need a ...

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Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”

The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”

”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."

I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

I was on the fence whether I should buy Office 365 and consulted my Magic 8-Ball and it said

Outlook not good!

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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A man sits in his doctor’s office waiting for some test results…

The doctor enters;

“So doc, what’s the prognosis?”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

“Oh no, why?”

“Because I’m trying to speak to you about your results”

A talent agent sits in his office, when a family of 5 walk in.

The talent agent says "Oh no no no no NO! Not you guys again! Get out, go on, OUT."

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

I walked into the psychiatrist office the other day with a penguin and an ice bear

Got diagnosed with being bipolar :(

What’s the difference between a velociraptor and a police officer?

The velociraptor can open doors.

What do you call a female police officer who plays the guitar?

SHE RIFF

What does the cake say at the government printing office retirement party?

This cake intentionally left blank

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

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A woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol officer stopped her.

“I'm not going to book you,” he said "but I just wanted to warn you that your rear reflector is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“And also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of the reins i...

Swimming Contest

Swimming contest
Joe and Jim were at the lake. Joe said, “Let’s have a swimming contest.” Jim said, “No way, you know you’ll win. You’re twice as fast as me.”


Joe said, “Well, how about if you take the canoe across while I swim? Will you race then?”


“Oka...

Why did the bullet leave the office building?

He was fired.

No E-Mail

A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

“You are hired.” – the employer said. ”Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”...

Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

Im on season 6 but I’m not really sure what its got to do with security.

A Psychiatrist Had No Patients In His Office…..

Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what d...

Oliver has been living the dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu. "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been...

My Friend Was in a Car Accident

My friend told me that he hit someone while he was driving home from work.

The guy he hit called 911 and when an officer arrived, my friend claimed that the other guy was at fault because he was clearly drunk.

The officer replied, "yeah, but he's in his living room!"

A man comes into the Airport Employment Office.

He looks like a real hick, in overalls, muddy boots, and a ragged straw hat. "Ah'z looking fer a jobe," he announces.
"And what is it you do, good sir?" asks the man at the desk.
"Ah'z uh pahlut."
Surprised, the man says "Really? Well, we can always use another pilot around the airpor...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

So a Police officer in Mexico got a call about a train robbery...

He showed up after the suspect fled.

After interviewing everyone, he found nothing was taken and was quite perlexted. The man must of had a real loco motive.

Story of my divorce

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. Aft...

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office. She asked “What’s your excuse this time?” He shrugged and said “I overslept.” “Damn it” she yelled, “at least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”

He replied, “You’re looking lovely today”

A man walks into the dentists office and tells the receptionist, "I feel like a moth"

She tells him "You probably want the psychologist down the street"
The man says "I know"
The receptionist asks "What did you come in for then?"
The man says "Well the light was on, why wouldn't I?"

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make...

I told a really funny joke the other day at the office.

So funny in fact, that even HR wants to hear it :)

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A police officer asks two men "Which one of you is the solicitor?"

One man answers "I hired the prostitute, he's my lawyer."

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The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.

During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.

He asks, “Did you lose a boot?”

The Russian replies “Nyet. I found a boot”

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!

A husband and wife are in the doctor's office

The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

Don't get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office

The devil takes many forms.

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face.



“Why didn’t you come sooner?” asks the doctor.

“To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house,” the tumor says.

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

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