A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."

The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I’m paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I’m a bus driver

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office

But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man went into his doctor office for his yearly physical when his doctor handed him a jar and asked him for a sperm sample.

The doctor gave the man his jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow so we can get a sperm count."

The next day the 89-year-old man walked into the doctor's office and gave him the jar. However the jar was as spotless and empty as it was when the doctor gave ...

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A man runs into a Doctor's office and shouts "Oi! You told my wife she has a nice fanny!"

Doctor: No, I said she has acute angina...

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

A lady gets pulled over by an Officer for speeding

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?

Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Lady: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lady: ...

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word!

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

MacroHard OnFire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

...

A blonde woman showed up to her doctor’s office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes

The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.

The blonde woman replied, “I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young woman in a muscle car: " Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding. "

Woman: "Oh, I see. "

Officer: "Can I see your license please? "

Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see...Can I see your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him,

He says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "abs...

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors office the other day and found out ...

...my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

OFFICER: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: dear god

Officer: most likely yes

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office

A guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor:

“Doccctorrr, I cccaannn hharddlllyyy finiiiishh a senttttenccee.”

The doctor says:

“Alright let’s do a head to toe inspection”

The doctor quickly notices this guy has an enormous penis. Like the biggest the doctor ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a doctors office

for his appointment. Waiting in the the lobby, his name is called. He then follows the nurse into the examining room. She instructs him to remove his cloths and put on the hospital gown, then leaves the room.

After a few minutes of waiting, there’s a knock on the door, and the doctor walks in...

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

I have a joke about the doctor's office...

But you're gonna have to wait a little longer.

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."


The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

A police officer shoots and kills an unarmed civilian

The officer is immediately arrested and eventually found guilty

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

Why in the world did a Kenosha, Wisconsin police officer shoot the unarmed Jacob Blake in the back SEVEN TIMES, leaving him paralyzed?

Because he ran out of bullets.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two ...

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

The investigator was awoken by the rookie opening his office door...

He shuffles in, manilla folder in hand.

*"Another murder case?"* he'd ask.

The rookie would nod, sliding the file over to the investigator.

Upon opening it, thousands of crows filled the room.

Man walks into a psychiatrist's office without any clothes on but wrapped head to toe in saran wrap.

Psychiatrist says..... I can clearly see you're nuts!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was fired today from my job in the post office, I have no idea why.

Oh shit, I meant to post this somewhere else

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office.

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you.

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

A police officer told me my dog was chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous! My dog doesn’t even own a bike!

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

A police sergeant asks the new constable to see him in his office.

"Alright constable," said the sergeant. "Can you please explain to me why you have not booked any traffic offences in the two weeks since you have been here?"

"Well you see sir, every time I pull up a car, no matter the offence, I barely finish introducing myself before they take off."
...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

What did the German police officer say when he found out that his nipples had killed someone?

"you're under a vest!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charles, the CEO of a large company, notices that one of his offices is staffed almost exclusively by women

Now Charles would like you know that he's not sexist; he loves women. Absolutely adores them. Respects the hell out of them too. However he is concerned that without a man to keep them focused the office's productivity will drop.

So he goes to the manager of this particular office, Jonas, who...

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

“Congratulations on winning most secretive person in the office”

“I can’t tell you what this means to me”

Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?

He was the first Porkmaster General.

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. ...

A dog goes walks into a telegram office

The guy behind the desk asks "what do want your telegram to read?"

The dog goes " woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof"

The guy says "I noticed you have 9 words, do you want an extra woof? it's for free"

The dog says "Nooo, that wouldn't make any sense"


- hear...

A guy in a Law School walks into the Headmaster's office....

He tells the Headmaster, "Sir I have failed my exams, but you have to pass me if you are unable to answer one question that I have. The Headmaster accepted the condition and the guy asked, "Give me a scenario where there is: 1. Something legal but not logical 2. Something logical but not legal 3. So...

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

What do you call American police officers?

Troubleshooters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a post office workers last day delivering mail.

At each of the houses he gets a little present.

At one house, a lady opens the door only wearing a garter belt and stockings.

She gives the mailman a long kiss, walks him upstairs and gives him a ride to remember.

Afterwards, she makes home a nice lunch and gives him a dollar bi...

What do you call it when two people bring identical lunches to the office?

A cuisine-kydink.

Sorry.

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After have been to the doctor’s office ....

I went into the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, & there was some remodeling going on - some drilling & a power saw making quite a racket. I had to yell just to be heard & the young lady shouted back, “Your doctor hasn’t called your prescription in yet Mr. McPhinelhiny - do you know...

"Why is the alarm in the office going off, boss?" "It's a fire drill...

"You're all getting fired!"

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

A man walks into a doctor's office

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a run in with an officer...

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

“Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a moving violation.

What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?

Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"

Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?

'Cos you're breathtaking..

This naked man walks into a psychiatrist's office ...

He is naked except that he is completely wrapped in head to toe with cellophane. He says, "First impression, doc, am I crazy?"

The doctor says, "Well, normally I don't like making rash diagnoses but in this case it is sooo obvious. Everyone in my entire office can see your nuts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, yes sir, may we help you? There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, you shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

we do not use language like that here, she said. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's so...

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery.

Woman walked to her office every weekday and she had to go through a cemetery to get there.

One day she had to stay late in the office to finish some work and by the time she was ready go home it was already dark outside.

She started to walk home, and as she reached the entrance to t...

Me: "Officer, I'll now take off my mask."

Officer: "Fine for me."

Invited by Office mates

Wife: Why did you just get home?


Husband: I’m so sorry. My office mates invited me to go out and we had a couple of drinks. \*burps\*


Wife: You’re drunk, aren’t you?


Husband: Me? Drunk? No! Of course not! \*burps\*


Wife: What do you mean “no”? ...

A family walks into a talent agent’s office

The talent agent eyes them suspiciously and having heard the stories decides he would rather not risk it and tells them he doesn’t represent family acts. The Aristocrats leave.

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.

The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your pic...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

An elderly couple goes into the doctors office for their annual physical

A nurse asks the elderly man for a stool sample, a sperm sample and, a urine sample.

The man, being hard of hearing, puts a hand up to his ear and says “what did she say?”

His wife looks at him and tells him, “they want your underwear”

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a urologist’s office:

- Doc, I’ve been a faithful husband for 30 years. I love my wife, but the spark is gone and I haven’t even been able to get it up for a year now. Obviously, the missus is very upset about this. Please help.

- You amaze me! Have you ever heard of Viagra? Here, take some of these to try and co...

Where does everyone from The Office now work?

Post-Office

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist walks into a doctor's office to inquire about his fever.

The doctor asks the scientist to lay down and drop his pants, which the scientist does without question.

The doctor asks about the scientists field of work to which he replies "astronomy my dear boy". The doctor was overjoyed at this response as space had always interested him.


T...

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office.

Me: No, but we have a boss.

this guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head

psychiatrist says “can i help you?” the duck says “yeah, get this guy off my ass!”

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

A police officer responded to the scene of an accident.

He finds two cars pretty much totaled. He goes to the first car and the driver says, “I don’t know what happened. I was driving along minding my own business when *that* car pulls right in front of me. I really tried but I just couldn’t stop in time.” As the officer walks over to get the second driv...

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

A police officer attempts to stop a car...

for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your ...

Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office

They get really annoyed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

Did you hear about the border patrol officer who got arrested for slacking on the job?

They’re charging him with a missed a meter of fence


Sorry

Officer: You're under arrest for using counterfeit bank notes

Me: *Slides a crisp £17 bill* How about now eh?

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

“Officer, how did the hacker escape?”

“I don’t know...he just ransomware!”

As I handed him my passport, the immigration officer stared at me with cold, dead eyes and mumbled, "I might not always agree with you, but..."

"I can see where you are coming from."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer stopped a man

"Sir, please stop sexually offending that man."

"Don't worry, I'm a registered sex offender."

"My mistake, sir, you may continue."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A DEA officer stopped by our farm the other day.

“I need to inspect your farm for growing illegal drugs.” he said. “Okay but don’t go into that field over there...”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying “Mister I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his pocket he took out his badge and shoved it in my face...

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

Today I swapped all the m and n keys in the office

Everyone will think I’m a nomster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

Why don't you put a post office next to a liberal arts college?

They'll always argue over the male agenda.

Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!

I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist and I knocked over their sunglasses display.

A police officer pulled me over and told me I’m too young to drive by myself, I assured him I wasn’t driving alone.

He didn’t believe me, I had to open the trunk so he can see for himself.

Mr. Heisenberg was driving too fast on a road when he suddenly got stopped by a police. Heisenberg asked the following "Is anything wrong, officer?" which the police replied with "Are you out of your mind? You were driving 250 kilometers per hour!"

To that Mr. Heisenberg said "Aw damn it! Now I don't know where I am!"

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After finishing a long day in the office, John rushes towards the elevator. His colleague Matt rushes behind him...

"Hang on, you seem to be in a rush to get home today."
"Yes" replies John, "can't wait to get home and yank my wife's panties off"
"Ooh.... feeling frisky today" Matt says with a wink.
"F*ck that!" Groans John, "I accidentally wore her undies while rushing this morning. Suffered the tight ...

During the Cold War, a British officer goes into a Cologne brothel.

He stands smartly at ease in front of the madame and says "*Guten abend*! May I enquire what your payment might be for the pleasure of my company?"

She looks him up and down, considers his rank and the likely size of his pay packet, and says "*Herr Hauptmann*, two hundred and fifty Deutschmar...

What's the difference between police officers and pizza delivery drivers?

Pizza delivery drivers actually face consequences when their jobs aren't done right.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.

I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop masturbating. I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."

Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.

A newly in love couple is sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office...

Suddenly the man says: "My ear hurts."

The woman kisses the ear and asks: "Is the ear better now?"

"Yes," says the man, "much better, but now my neck hurts."

The woman kisses the neck and asks: "Is the neck better now?"

"Yes," says the man, smiling, "much better, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl came in the doctors office and said

You have to help me, each time I sneeze I have an orgasm. How long have you suffered from this? I don’t actually suffer as such ...
Well then are you taking anything for it?
Not unless you count the pepper.....

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

A man goes up to a police officer and asks him:

„Officer, is it allowed to call a police officer a Bull?“ The officer said: „No, I would arrest you if you did that.“
The man continued to ask: „But is it allowed to call a Bull ,Officer‘?“
„Yes, you can do that if you want.“, the officer replied.
With a smile on his face the man said: „W...

Fat guy walks into a doctor's office

He says "doctor, I think I have obesity. My mom had obesity, my dad had it, and evan my uncle has obesity."

Doctor replies "sir, the problem isn't that obesity runs in your family."

"The problem is that nobody runs in your family"

The worst thing about office parties...

Is having to go find a job the next day

The secretary of defense entered Donald Trump's office.

He told Donald Trump that a drone strike in South America had killed 4 brazilian people.

He expected Trump to take this lightly, but much to his surprise, Trump's face turned white with shock, and he promptly fainted.

After Trump awoke, the secretary of defense said "I didn't know you ...

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

-Officer Johnson here...

\-*Officer, go ahead.*

\-We responded to a call about a woman who stabbed his husband 38 times after he walked in on the floor still wet. We're at the location.

\-*Copy, Officer Johnson. Have you arrested the woman yet?*

\-Negative, we're waiting for the floor to dry.

An officer is arresting a man.

Officer: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.

Man: Wait! I can explain everything!

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