A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car...

And she wants me to drive.

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Today, I gave up my seat for an old lady on the bus.

That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

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A white woman, an asian woman, and a black woman are seated next to each other on a plane...

The pilot announces that they've lost the engines and instructs the passengers to prepare for a crash landing. Panic erupts on the plane as it begins to rapidly descend. The white lady quickly gets out her purse and starts touching up her make-up. The other two women asked 'What are you doing?' t...

A businessman and a gambler were travelling in the same plane. They were seated next to each other.

Businessman: Lets play a game of questions and answers. If you are not able to answer my question then you will give me $100. However if I am not able
to answer your question then I will give you $1000. Deal?

Gambler: Oh really? Its a deal then.

Businessman: How many countries are...

I volunteer in a support group for people inflicted with ennui. I mainly ensure that there are enough seats for the attendees.

Basically, I'm the chairman for the bored.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

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Our marriage counselor said, "sex in a relationship should not take the back seat".

I said, "not a problem I drive a 2 seater roadster"

My wife pipes up, "true, that stick shift is a blessing!"

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

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A toilet seat with no hole...

Is a really shitty toilet seat.

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the bee...

I had to buy a new toilet seat yesterday.

There was a crack in it every time I sat down.

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

A tall guy rushed in front of an elderly woman on the train to take the last seat. The woman shouted, “What a mean guy!”

But he was clearly above average

I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats

Until I sat on a warm one

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A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

Another man at the bar, notices his accent and asks, “You sound like a fellow Irishman. What county do you come from?”

“I come from Kildare” the man replies.

“Me too! What town in Kildare?”

“Maynooth, born and raised,” the man says.

“Me too! What a coincidence. What p...

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Why do women get so annoyed about a bit of piss on the seat?!

I’ve paid full price for this bus ticket, i’ll do what I want

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

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A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a c...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

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Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

I was having trouble getting the seat belt to work.

Then it clicked.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

A woman sits down on a bus seat next to a man. She says: "I'm Emily."

The man responds: "I'm not".

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

Back seat drivers... They’re all the same

“Let me go”, “why are you taking me in to the woods”

Whenever I give my seat on the bus to an elderly person, they're as happy as a kid in a candy store...

I do the same in the men's bathroom and they hobble away as fast as they can.

What did a women’s toilet seat say to a men’s toilet seat?

”Urinal lot of trouble, mister.”

I tried to change my Elton John tickets to seated

But I’m Still Standing

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

Toddler car seats and Gaming chairs have a few things in common

They are both designed to provide comfort, both are expensive and most importantly the user always gets carried :)

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon to one who can complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!


So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Al...

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

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My girlfriend told me she can't stand it when I get piss all over the seat.

My car, my rules sweetheart.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

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A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros and a toilet seat?

I don't know, but there's no way I'm using **that** bathroom

Did you hear about the disappointing shortage of seats at the Church of Fake Lazer Sounds?

They really need more pews.

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Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The olde...

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

Did you know you actually can get an STD from a toilet seat?

It can happen if you sit down before the guy before you gets up

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

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A bear walks into a bar, and sees that there isn’t a single spot at the bar available

He walks up to a seat, eats the woman sitting there in a single bite, and sits down.

He orders a drink and the bartender shakes his head, “Sorry, we don’t serve bears on drugs.”

“I’m not on drugs,” the bear replies.

“Well, that was just a bar bitch you ate!”

A man pulls up to a gas station with two penguins in the back seat.

The gas station employee asks him what he's doing with them in his car.

"I'm taking them to the zoo" the man replies.

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea" says the employee.

The next day the man pulls up again with the penguins still in his back seat.

"I thought you were t...

There was a robbery at the police station. They stole a bunch of toilet seats.

Unfortunately, they don't have anything to go on.

So I was at the Cup final and the guy sitting next to me had an empty seat next to him...

I asked why the seat was empty.
“Oh I had two tickets. One for me and one for my wife. But my wife recently passed away.”
“I am so sorry to hear that.” I responded sympathetically.
“Thank you” he replied.
After a few minutes I asked “why didn’t you bring a friend with you, I’m sure th...

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.

The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.

A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mu...

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

I have a deep-seated fear of running water.

Or any liquid with legs really.

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

How do you cope with a broken toilet seat?

You just have to make doo.

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

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I just cycled ten miles to Halfords to get a new bicycle seat.

What a pain in the arse.

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Why was the dog in the driver's seat of the limousine?

It was hired to show fur!

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

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A plane has engine failure and starts to go down.

A White woman jumps out of her seat and grabs her bag and starts putting on all her make-up.  When people asked what the hell she is doing. She said, "when planes crash, they find the pretty women first!"


A Mexican woman hears that and jumps out of her seat. She grabs her bag and starts p...

I couldn't find a seat for the new Elton John film

I'm still standing

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

A man is seated at at a table in a bar

A man is seated at at a table in a bar with a glass of beer in front of him. His best friend arrives, takes the beer and drinks it.
The man starts crying .

\- "What's the matter? You are crying for a beer?" asks the friend

\- "No no" the man replies, sobbing. "today is horrible d...

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools

The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?" to which the man replies "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile an...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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duck walks into a bar and puts down his tool bag

the bar tender is speechless. He’s even more amazed when the duck orders a drink. the same thing happens the next day. same routine. the duck walks in, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, orders a drink. after a week of this the barman works up the courage and says to the duck “I hope you don’t mi...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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The wrestling match was about to begin...

...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"

The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. ...

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

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An old lady with a flimsy crutch slowly gets on a full bus but the arrogant, impolite young man next to her does not give his seat.

After the slow embarking scene is complete, finally the doors close and the already impatient driver nervously floors the gas pedal and the bus suddenly accelerates causing the old lady to trip. The young ill-mannered man tilts his sunglasses aside and with an insulting tone addresses the old lady: ...

I went in for a job interview at IKEA

The interviewer said, come on in, make a seat

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin t...

Doctors And Attorneys

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle
seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and
took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The
doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when ...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

...

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A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper...

After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intently at the youth's multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"

The man responded, "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wo...

I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

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The Drunk & the Bus Driver

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus...

A man and his best buddy are driving around. The best buddy finally says "Listen I gotta ask, how long have you been wearing that bra?"

The man, frowning, responds "Ever since my wife found it under that seat you're in".

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I was sitting at the bar one night... (LONG)

I was seated at the bar and had just ordered another drink, when a woman sat down in the stool next to me. She ordered her drink, and then looked down and started checking her phone.

My drink came, and then hers. She put away her phone and took a long drink, and then turned to me and said "yo...

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

My first girlfriend was experienced

On our third date my girlfriend and I made our way to the back seat of my car. I explained I was new at this so needed instruction. She unbuckled her pants and told me to start rubbing her tummy and whisper in her ear. As I rubbed her tummy and whispered "I love you" in her ear she said "lower, lowe...

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A woman walks into a hotel bar.

She sits down at the bar and see's a man eyeing her from a few chairs down. Within a few minutes, the bartender places a drink in front of her and says "courtesy of the man at the end of the bar."

Impressed with his generosity she grabs the drink and heads down to sit next to him.

"Ma'...

A man and a nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack . The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a cl...

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

Joe was making his way through the crowd, trying to get to his front-row seat at the superbowl.

When he gets there he noticed as the game started the seat next to him was empty, so he thinks out loud "who would buy a front row seat and not show up wtf?" To which the man two seats over from him replies "that seat belongs to me, well my wife actually, but she passed away recently, we've been to ...

So, a guy is at the Superbowl championship game when he notices the seat next to his is empty.

He finds this very odd but forgets about it quickly. A little bit later he notices that the seat is still empty. He tries to forget about it and focus on the game. An empty seat at the Superbowl is just too weird though. He then asks the guy in the seat two seats over if he knows what's up with the ...

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There's this blonde.

She gets on a plane and sits in the first available seat.
The flight attendant is coming around checking tickets.
She looks at the blonde woman's ticket and tells the blonde; "ma'am you can't sit here, your ticket says coach and this is first class. please move to the back of the plane"
Th...

Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest g...

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