UPJOKE
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Has Jokes

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name
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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, always 6 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: Not a question
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Bud light has always been trans...

It's water that identifies as beer.
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A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...
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A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned
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She has been shot (up).

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...
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Trump still has a chance at 270

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.
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President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
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Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
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I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
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A penis has a sad life..

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
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Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.
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My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"
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A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...
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I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I’m furious.

She is absolutely not “adventurous”, and “fun to be around”!
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A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...
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A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...
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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman
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I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.
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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night.

Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist docto...

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.
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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
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Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.
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If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow
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What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.
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Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

A woman has two admirers.

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.
Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.
And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give...
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My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation
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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.
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A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...
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Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.
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The US has placed 18th for math…

It sounds bad, I’m just glad we hit top ten.
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The inventor of the USB stick has died

At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.
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The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
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The guy who invented autocorrect has died...

...his funfair will be help next sundial.
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Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...
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What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.
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The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
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Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
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Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is
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So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?
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My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
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What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally
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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Eminem has started a vaccine company

You only get one shot
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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...
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My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!
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What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O
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did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.
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William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.
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Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg
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My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...
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My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.
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President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.
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Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?

Teapot
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This world has become disgusting!

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now avai...

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I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

Betty White Has Passed Away…

The Queen and Keith Richards move on to the Finals
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!
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Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
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My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
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A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.
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A man has a 25 inch long penis

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.

When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his ...

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out
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Netflix has ceased operation in Russia.

Now Russians have Nyetflix
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It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.
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One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...
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What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!
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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year

Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates
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What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”
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Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come
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The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!
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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
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Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.
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My beautiful girlfriend has a vagina that smells like Roses.

But Roses is tighter.

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

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So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”
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China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.
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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

Russia has announced early results from the election

The election isn't until tomorrow, but they've already announced that Putin has won.
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The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.
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A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....
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If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."


She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."
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"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."
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During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.
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They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader
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What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.
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Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
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My wife has the worst gag reflex.

She gags at the thought of giving me a blow job.

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A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
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If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
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What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A happy pitbull
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What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?

My hand.
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A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.
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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...
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Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.
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An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...
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My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.
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As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.
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The US Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg passed away.

It has become Ruth less.
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(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.
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I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.

But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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Guy has a really bad stutter.

Guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “ doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find. The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge cock, the doctor says that’s the problem...

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A penis has a wonderful life.....for the optimists!

His two closest friends hang around and constantly update him on the weather.

His best friend is a pussy.

He never has to comb his hair.

He can quadruple in size and stand up if he really wants to see something.

He can take over all his hosts functions and thoughts whenev...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
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My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)
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Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
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what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my 6-year old.
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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...
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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house.

Hesitatingly he started ...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.
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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...
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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.
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Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...
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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

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