A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

If I die and come back as a hillbilly

Is that reintarnation?

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

How can you put a pin back into a hand grenade?

I need quick answers guys plea

What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thank you so much for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

If I offer to wash your back in the shower,

All you have to do is answer, “yes”, or “no.”

None of this “Who are you and how did you get in here” nonsense.

I got back from Joker and my sister asked if I got taller.

Nah, I just rose up.

I knew this lightbulb that was in a really toxic relationship with her boyfriend. They kept breaking up and getting back together again. It happened dozens of times before I finally told her-

“You really need to get out of this on-off relationship.”

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

Just got back from the tanning bed

Guess that’s not what my wife meant by get some Sunny D.

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

It's amazing that Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins both went solo back in the day

There was a real Exodus from Genesis

A blonde gets on a flight going from Barcelona back to London..

She gets on the plane and immediately sits in first class. The cabin crew explain to her that she doesn't have a ticket for first class but she refuses to move.
One cabin crew member tells the captain about the situation, the captain says "Ah, my wife is a blonde. Let me speak to her"
He goes ...

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.

Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

A man with a knife stuck in his back staggers to a doctor.

The doctor says: “Sorry, we’re closed.” But the man doesn’t give up. After he’s been begging for 15 minutes the doctor sighs, “Alright!” Pulls out the knife, puts it in the man’s eye and says: “Go to the eye doctor next door. He’s still open.”

What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?

A pair o' docs

Connor Mcgregor should go back to plumbing

Afterall he is very good with taps.

Matthew McConaughey’s first initiative as owner of Austin Football Club will be to cut the Left Backs and Left Wingers. Their going to be “alright alright alright”

Got banned from r/soccer for this, they take their no jokes rule seriously. I’d been sitting on it other than that for a while.

I threw a boomerang six years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

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Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything ...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."

I burped again.

Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.

The driver assessed me once mo...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

Back in my day I could go to the store with one dollar and come back with a soda and two bags of chips.

But nowadays they have cameras.

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back ?

A stick

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

Why didn't the sun go back to school?

Because it already has a million degrees

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My 7 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in our back garden.

25 years growing that tree and now he says he doesn't want it anymore... Ungrateful bastard.

A lady golfer is seen running back into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!” ...

“Where?” someone asks
“Between the 1st and the 2nd holes” she screams.
“Ohhh! I think your stance may have been a little wide” an instructor tells her.

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."

The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

What do you call an epileptic that got stabbed in the back?

Julius Seizure

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.

Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.

Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.

Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?

St...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

I followed the Dalai Lama on Twitter, but he didn’t follow me back

He’s very self centered

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

I was lucky enough to see Albert Einstein give a lecture back in the day. It wasn’t very good

Relatively speaking.

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I saw a woman with a single boob and a beautiful tattoo that took up her entire back

I asked her how she could afford such a tattoo and she looked at me with tears in her eyes "tit for tat"

This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back.

I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed...

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.

It's spine

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Back in my day, I used to be able to go to the store with $1 and get 2 sodas, 3 chips, and a chocolate bar...

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere.

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

I went to a middle school dance back in the day.

It was kinda lame, looking back on it. The music was bad, they ran out of food, and there wasn’t even a punch line.

Ok so i was sitting in the back of our car

And we drive up to this pizza and i see a sign that says "wood fired pizza"

And i say "wood fired pizza? Hows pizza supposed to get a job now!?"

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

The first time I took a girl back to my apartment, she sighed and asked, “You don’t have much experience taking off bras, do you?”

I said, “What gave me away?”

She said, “The scissors, mostly.”

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

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A Florida man had his penis ripped off by a prostitute after it had just been sewn back on after a surgery mishap.

The Chief of Police said this was redickless.

Why did the squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry

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I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

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An Elephant asks the Camel why it has it's boobs on its back....

The Camel replies annoyed.... What a stupid question coming from someone with their dick on their face

I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”

I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.

My power out because of a storm. It went off at 7:30 and came back on at 12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

12:00

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What animal has a dick on their back?

A police horse.

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

A cowboy walks out of a bar and comes running back in.

He stands up on a table and screams,”Now, who here went outside and painted mah horse bright red!” Nobody answers. This time he takes out his two guns and screams even louder,” Witch scoundrel here painted my horse red!!” Finally, a 6”8 man with a machine gun stands up and says,”I’ve done it. I pain...

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What's a prostitute doing in the back of a honda?

Her civic duties, of course.

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Men start their lives coming out a vagina and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in

If you’re a C-section baby, you’re even further behind the curve

My friend just came back from war missing his legs below the knee cap. Without even speaking a word I knew how the battle had gone.

He was Defeeted.

Back when I was a math teacher, I only taught subtraction

I just wanted to make a difference.

Someone suggested I grow out my hair, but only in the back.

Told him I'd mullet over.

A software engineer gets sent to the shops by his wife

She tells him

“Go and get a pint of milk, and if they have eggs get six”

So he disappears and comes back ten minutes later with six pints of milk.

“Why on earth did you get six pints of milk?” His wife asks. He replies

“They had eggs”

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

What do you call Cheerios that messed around behind their boyfriend's back?

Cheatos

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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Little Johnny is sitting in the back of anatomy class.

The teacher is pointing at a map of the body and telling the kids about what each part of the body does. She points at the penis on the diagram and says, "This is the penis. Every boy has one penis and it is for--"

"Hey, teacher," Little Johnny interrupts, "that's not right. My daddy has two ...

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Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.

I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make...

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A gladiator went into the battlefield with his dick out and came back victorious.

Because the penis mightier than the sword.

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

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