I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

My girlfrend borrowed $100 dollars from me, a year later when we broke up, she returned exactly $100 dollars.

I lost interest in that relationship.

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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

See you later Mozart

I'll be Bach

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

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A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

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Guy says to a Blonde girl, I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits, no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk...

...was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Fri...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew...

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

My son refused to join the family DJ business. But then returned 6 months later, begging for a job.

Oh, how the turntables.

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it.

It was a brief case.

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

When separating, what did present tense say to future tense?

See you later.

What happens when you take too long to eat a Now or Later?

It becomes an hour later.

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.



They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who

answered the door if they could ...

Did you hear about the mime that got into a bar fight? He was left with a broken left arm. Later the police came in to ask questions.

He had the right to remain silent.

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.

Then, the bowling ball hit me.

One time a lady walked up to me and asked me about my relationship with God

I politely responded "Well Jesus and I were going steady for a while but we broke up. One day I came home from work and he was spread out and being nailed by a bunch of Romans, so I had to break it off, he tried to hang in there but our relationship was dead a few days later."

British: We call it autumn which comes from the french word "autumpne" and later, the latin "autumnus"

American: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was s...

I told my dad I'll call him later.

My dad said: "Don't call me later, call me Dad!"

I'm going to a fancy dress party later, "What you going as?" my friend asked. "A small island off the Italian coast" I replied...

"Don't be so silly" he said

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the age of seventy one is to star in a new Terminator film later this year,

They have changed his catchphrase slightly though, to...

"Ah, me back."

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

The sassy student

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

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I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

“Hey I made a playlist for our hike later”

It’s a trail mix. It has a lot of Eminem

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At age 11, bobby was blessed with an 8 inch penis

A year later, his priest went to jail

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There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It's open Mike night.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

My friend took a girl home from a bar and later found out that she was a dude.

He didn’t go through with the trans action.

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I was walking down the street the other day when I slipped and fell in dog shit a minute later some guy did exactly the same

So I said to him, ”I just did that”.
He punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.

Why does police hit percentage start to drop in the later time of the day?

Because they can't see the black guy

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7 shots later

A man enters a bar in the middle of the afternoon and asks the barman for 7 shots of tequila. The barman lines them up and the man downs them all one after the other. The bemused barman asks "what's the celebration"
The man replies " I've just had my first blowjob"
" Well that's great" says th...

Greek Easter is a week later to give them time to prepare all the food.

Most people consider it a crucifixion, to Greeks it’s just another hummus side.

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin object which penetrated him with ease. He saw that it appeared to...

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Not seasonal but here it so you can use it later:

I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar...



Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

A group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner...

A group of old buddies, aged in their 30s, decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has a large sports bar, and the waitresses are hot.

Ten years later, aged in their 40s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for...

Bought a pet rock. It looked lonely so I bought another. I dunno how, but they started breeding. Months later there was gravel and stones everywhere. I couldn't take it anymore and had enough.

Threw it all in a canvas sack, weighed it down with a couple of puppies, and tossed it in the river.

A snail walks into a bar and the bar tender says "We dont serve your kind here!" Then tosses him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back...

And says "Hey what was that for?"

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Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette in your car, flicked it out the window then smells something a minute later...

and you turn around and your grandma is fingering herself in the back seat?

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

An ugly girl was sitting alone in a restaurant

“I feel bad for that girl.” I said to my date.

Moments later, a man who appeared to be her boyfriend walked over and sat down in her booth.

“I feel bad for that guy.”

At an interview: “In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20 000, later on it can go up to 40 000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

My grandpa said he was going to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead.

As tears streamed down his face, he said, "I just... don't know where the little guy went."

"I see your dementia hasn't improved," I sighed. "You left him here on the sofa."

My boss came into work today and told us he would fire someone later for not standing up straight

I have a hunch it might be me

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

I just heard Paul Bettany is going to star in a standalone movie for the MCU which will begin filming later this year.

If the rumors are true, we're getting 2020 Vision.

Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

I made a custom mold by pouring silicone over a crucifix. 24 hours and one epoxy pour later...

and Christ is resin.

20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows another way to get the dirt out from my sneakers, I'm all ears.

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

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Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says,

‘You know?
Your wife IS better.’

Three vampire bats had a bet to see who could come back with the most blood, first bat comes back, nothing second bat also comes back nothing, third bat takes off and later returns with blood oozing out of his mouth, the other bats say where did you get all that blood? He replies, see that tree.

Well I didn't.

An Alligator sees you later, a Crocodile sees you in awhile. When does a Caiman see you?

This isn't a joke, I want answers. Please. I've never wanted to know anything more.

My dad was babysitting my two children, so I called him later to ask how it was going.

Me: "What did they have for dinner?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "What about Clark?"

Dad: "Spaghetti"

Me: "Ok ... So what time did they go to bed?"

Dad: "Which one? Charlie or Clark?"

Me: "Charlie"<...

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Did you know that when you the sperm originally enters the vagina the female immune system tries to destroy it? But later on it helps it get to the egg....

This is the just another example of a woman not being able to make up her mind

*Early semester* Teacher: We'll go through this topic in detail in later classes

*Later into semester* Teacher: I remember going through this topic in earlier classes so I'm going to skip it.
Students: wtf?

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

A fireman kicks down the door of a house and carries the family out 1 by 1, but there is no fire. A week later the building catches ablaze.

He suffers from premature evacuation.

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life.

I call it a praycheck

A man comes home later than usual after a day of golfing

His wife is waiting when he walks in and says "You're usually home before now, is everything ok?"

"Baby, I've had the worst day possible."

"Really? What happened?"

"Bill dropped dead from a heart attack on the first tee."

"Oh my God, that's horrible!"

"No kidding. ...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

Canadian Protesters...

So there were some protesters at the Canadian parliament buildings yesterday. 2 of them had the great idea to scale the Peace Tower (the massive tower on the centre front) and stand on the roof. Unfortunately, the copper roof broke and one of the men fell down the tower hitting the bells on his way ...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A calculus professor enters a bar, and is arrested an hour later...

Apparently he was drinking and deriving

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