I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

There are rumours that you will hear satanic messages

...if you play the Microsoft disc backwards.

That's nothing. If you play it forwards, it installs windows.

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

If you are looking for a friend with personality message me

I have many.

I'm trying to read a message on dirty glass.

It's just not clear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This message is URGENT; it came from a PHARMACIST!

If you or anyone you know are taking the Viagra pill, make sure it says:

"Made in USA"!

We do not want the Russians meddling in our erections.

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

Got a morse code message the other day: DASH, DASH DASH, DASH DASH, DASH DOT.

It was a loss at sea.

How did vikings send secret messages

By using Norse code

A Very Romantic Valentine's Message

I can't c**u**m without **u**

My wife on April's Fool's Day texted me a picture of a sonogram with the message: "Guess what I'm pregnant again”

I texted back: "Haha very funny, I know what today is, you're like the third person to send me that today.

Got a message in a bottle from the river today

It was current news

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

*"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.*

*I have been tapping your wife all the time. I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt.*

*I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that ...

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

A woman texted me with the message, "Your adorable."

I texted back, "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she's falling for me. I was only correcting her grammar.

What message does a Quantum-Computer return when you're viewing a file?

"Do you want to save those changes?"

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

I went to church on Sunday and the message from the pulpit was to "love your enemies."

But I have a hard time even liking my friends.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sent a message to my crush asking if I could send her my dick

She said no and now I have no idea what to do with all these stamps I just bought.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

Armenia sent a secret message over diplomatic cables to Syria:

"If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?"

Please disregard any messages you receive from Lizzie Borden's parents...

They've been hacked

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

A message to the man in the wheelchair who stole my Camo Jacket

You can hide but you can't run.

[OC] My wife was trying to convince me that, one day, we'll all be making phone calls and sending text messages from wrist-mounted devices.

This made me upset. I exclaimed "not on my watch!"

Did you hear about the message that tricked ice to flash to vapor without first passing through the liquid state?

It was subliminal.

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

I was playing grand theft auto 5 when all of a sudden it crashes and an error message pops up

It read “unfortunately the game is corrupted and the data will be deleted” feeling sad and annoying with my 100s of hours lost I looked up online as to why it happened. I found a guide that said if you restart the game on the same console and go to the nearest garage and talk to the guy who’s workin...

My girlfriend just sent me a message saying: “myspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day.

But she changed my password.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

I wanted to spread my message of peace and non-violence to the whole wide world.

So I went to a secluded tribe in the Amazon, and their warriors were not at all keen to see me.

One ran up to me with a spear and said “I will stab you if you don’t leave”.

But I stood my ground, grabbed the spear, and told him that “violence is never the answer”.

He looked at m...

Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I received a message from Facebook

Fb : we would appreciate if you signed this petition

Me: what is it about ?

Fb: it’s about your continued faith in Facebook during these troubled times and requesting the govt not to put any sanctions

Me: you assholes stole our private information and sold it to others
...

Why couldn’t 1 Ford Focus give the other Ford Focus a message?

Broken transmission.

Message from Europe

European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
Europ...

"Hey Steve, how do I get rid of this error message on my computer? It's telling me to stop procrastinating."

"Easy. Just hit 'Remind Me Later'."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man received a message from his neighbour...

A man received a message from his neighbour. "Sorry sir, I am using your wife, day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do...
I confess this now because I am feeling very much guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man shot the wife...

Dual Heart Attack Message By A Girl.

1st Message: “Let’s Breakup Now, Its All Over”

2nd Message: “Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You“

I rarely see mods in this sub. I should send them a private message.

Nah. nevermind. They probably won't even reddit.

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...

... they are calling them "parallelograms".

A message from my late father...

"Caught in traffic. Running behind."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Message from my girlfriend:

"It's over! Your dick's too big. - It hurts me."
I was heartbroken and sad. But, when I came home she was there!
She said: "Forget the message! It was meant for someone else."
Can’t describe the relief I felt. Everything feels good again.

Just received a text message...

Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.

An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"

The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"

A general overhears this a...

My people believe there are spirits on the moon. Would you please take them a message from me? (x-post from r/space)

On 20 July 1969, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the surface of the moon. In the months leading up to their expedition, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. The area is home to several Native American communities, and there is a story –...

Beware of a new scam message going around

I just got a text message saying "Congratulations you are the winner of the Elvis tribute competition.

You have a choice of two prizes you can take,
Option 1 is £50.00
Option 2 is for 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert

To make your choice
text
1 for the money or 2 for t...

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's hol...

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

How does a Ham Radio buff send a break-up message?

Remorse Code

A message from Comcast...

Thank you United Airlines!

My mom sent her friend a gif via text message.

Said to my mother:"even moms are sending memes now days."
Mother said "its the memeing of life.

A police officer just intercepted a secret message between two major gangs...

The message simply said: 5310H55V 0113H

Curious, he tried to decipher it but gave up after a few hours, and asked the rest of his police department if they could help.

After a few days of code cracking, the police department gave up, and sent the cryptic message to the FBI. The bright...

Turn your phone upside down to read the following message.

sapnu puas

My girlfriend just broke up with me through reddit. Here's the last message she sent me

there doesn't seem to be anything here

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project..

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "Wha...

What do you guys think of message boards?

....I'm all forum.

Have you seen the special message written at the bottom of a condom when you roll it all the way out?

Me neither..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

This Suicide Prevention message was brought to you in part by:

**Nike**

*"Just Do It"*

A message to the moon

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits....

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Getting the message a cross...

A boys parents were worried about their son not wanting to learn maths at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.
The parents are a littl...

Boss sent me a message the other day

Boss sent me a message the other day: *Send me some funny messages*

I replied: *I'm working right now, I will send you later*

Boss: *hahaha..send me another one*

My girlfriend's keyboard broke, and she sent me this message.

"HelpmyspacebarisbrokenandIwouldlikeanalternative"

What the hell is a ternative?

I think these protesters are sending the wrong message...

because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate.

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

When you f**k up a coded message and have to send it again

Re morse

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

A message to all you deceased American voters...

Vote Early, and Vote Often.

Huge shout out to the woman that message me first...

Love you, Mum!

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

The Captain of an American Airliner receives a message from a few miles ahead...

The Captain of an American Aircraft Carrier is sailing his ship through a deep fog, so much that he can barely see anything. They are moving slowly, and all crew members are instructed to be on high alert, ready to act at a moment's notice. Suddenly, he receives a call from something just a few mile...