Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.

Do you know how to drive this thing?

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

I don't understand the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people, I can just have dinner with my parents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

The weakest point of any car is...

the nut holding the steering wheel.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it when they wear condoms in porn. What's the point?

Men can't get each other pregnant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the point of eating food?

It all goes to shit anyways...

They say when you point the finger, three fingers are pointing back at you.

That's why I always accuse people with my full erection. Checkmate.

Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

Vegans would do anything to get their point across.

They don't care about the steaks.

I don’t see the point in speed bumps

If anything they slow you down

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A lecturer had reached one of his most important points

"He who gives in when he is wrong is wise: but the man who gives in when he is right is..."

"Married," someone shouted from the audience.

He's got a point

Beer Bottle : You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror : You kidding me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom : Ha ha ha... (Walks off laughing)

Point to something and tell the person next to you "Oh no, that's cracking."

Hopefully they say "What's cracking? and then you can hit them with "Not much, what's cracking with you?!?"

No point in being pessimistic..

It wouldn't work anyway.

I was walking a girl home last night, and at some point, things got a little awkward.

She turned around, and saw me walking her home.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

At what point do you go from being "handless" to being "armless"?

What's the cut-off point?

I decided to get a tattoo that would make a point and not hurt too much.

Here is a picture:

.

If somebody gives me one point, that's fine.

But if somebody gives me two points, that's where I draw the line.

Points of view

A Priest is talking to a kid,he says:"is always better give than receive" and the kid replies:"my dad says this everyday!" And the priest:" oh,your father is a good person, what's his job?" "He is a boxer!"

There’s this couple outside looking at clouds.

The guy points at a cloud and says, “That one looks like a horse.”

The girl laughs and points another cloud and says, “That one looks like a dog.”

They both laugh and the guy points at another cloud and says, “That one looks like a mushroom.”

According to Jewish theology, at what point does a fetus become a person?

When they finish med school.

What's the point of spending $90 to be stuck in an escape room when I can go to IKEA for free

And spend $180 on furniture I didn't need

How many points does it take to draw a curve?

According to my engineering professor, just one, but you need to list your assumptions.

My wife likes to use the fact that she gave birth to our 3 children to garner sympathy points...

I tell her that they came out of me before they came out of her.

I got called into Human Resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked point blank, if I knew the difference between left and right wing. I told them to screw off, as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix...

I don't see much point in meeting the new Dalai Lama

If you've seen one you've seen 'em all

Point of Halloween is to dress as something you are not

So this year I am dressed as someone that is entirely happy with the professional and personal choices in my life

why is a prisoners favorite punctuation point a period

Cause it marks the end of a sentence.

What's the difference between fake internet points and $50?

I wouldn't blow a guy for $50.

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

I hate it when people use the average of several data points to represent their data.

It’s just mean.

What is the common point between an unvaccinated child and mocking anti-vaxxers ?

It never gets old.

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance. As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling.

The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the
entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.

"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

If squirrels could tell jokes, they'd be quick and to the point

Because they'd be in a nut shell

Maybe I should delete Reddit

because everytime I log in, I feel pointless.

So the DOW Jones industrial average dropped 800 points last week. And you know what this means to us regular people?

Not a damn thing...

Good point

If you ever think that nobody cares whether you are alive......try missing a couple of payments.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. It points a wing at the man behind the desk and says with a frown:

"Quack"

I just don’t get the point of paying in exact change.

It makes no cents

A father warns his son not to drink alcohol as he points two people in front of him and says

"Look son if you drink you will see 4 of them instead of 2." Then the son replies, "father, there's only one person."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A panda walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he knew any prostitute around so he points to this lady sitting afar so he goes over and talks to her and both of them head to a motel... After they finish she asks him

"Arent you going to pay me?" The panda was surprised and asked her why... She told him to look up prostitute and it clearly said (has sex in exchange for money) the panda laughed and told her to look up panda and it said "eats bush and leaves"

Women Love Exclamation Points!!!

... but they hate periods.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Different points of view

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees the train coming.

The train driver sees 3 assholes on the railroad.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

My favorite joke that my dad has told me up to this point:

I love you, son!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.