A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

My wife asked for something shiny, fast, and brand new that would go from 0-200 in under a second for her birthday.

Apparently a bathroom scale was not what she had in mind

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Guy pulled up the bar in a brand new Cadillac.

He gets out, walks inside, pulls out a rolls of twenties and starts buying everybody drinks. The weird part was is he had a head the size of a grapefruit.

The bartender stirs up a conversation and says “he man, not to be rude but I have to ask... what’s with your tiny head?”

The man s...

What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer?

Dyson.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests?

Kinder

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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”


The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”


The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the o...

what do you call an off brand Tesla?

An Edison

What's the cobblers favorite brand of chocolate?

Sneackers.

What is a statistician's favorite shoe brand?

Converse

The other day I passed a school with a car brand as their name

Can you imagine, who would call a school Tesla

What car brand is older than you?

Nissan

(Nii-san)

What brand of underwear do thermometers wear?

Kelvin Klein

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What did the name brand suppository say to the generic suppository?

Nothing. They were both stuck up assholes.

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya ...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!"

He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

What is a Rabbit’s favorite earbud brand?

HAREpods.

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

What do you call Spongebob with a brand deal?

Sponsbob

What do you call someone who switches water bottle brands a lot

An h2hoe

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I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was...

The top reply was: How the fuck did you get in here?

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I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

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Two tampons are walking down the street. One is name brand, and the other is generic. Which one says hello first?

Neither, because they’re both stuck up bitches.

My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape

Weird flex but ok

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

A lot of people will prefer luxury toilet paper over cheaper brands;

But on the whole they're no different.

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it w...

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

An older gentleman bought a brand new Corvette Stingray and drove it off the lot

He then immediately went to the nearest highway. He decided he was just going to see what it could do.

He gets going up to 80 mph, then 90, then up to 100. He is getting excited when he sees a state trooper behind him, he then just panics and puts his foot to the floor, accelerating himself ...

I surprised my friend with a brand new car, it really took his breath away

He never saw it coming

If car brand became a cult,

Would the leader of dodge be Jesus Chrysler?

A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in parti...

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the nex...

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A couple get given some brand new flavoured condoms to use...

They get home after enjoying some alcoholic beverages and decide to play a game.

The husband says to his wife "how about I put one of these new condoms on, you give it a bit of a suck and try and guess the flavour?".

The wife nodded in agreement.

They take off their clothes, j...

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue.

I think he should just pick one and stick with it.

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I have an idea for a knockoff brand of headphones.

Beats, by Chris Brown

In available colors

* Blood red

* Teardrop blue

* Loose tooth white

* Bruise purple

* Open wound pink

* Unconcious black

* Pissed myself yellow

* Morphine clear

* Chris BROWN

Prices so low you will be ...

What do you call a generic brand of potatoes?

Imitators

Just passed a road sign advertising Blue Taco brand tacos...

My wife asked me, "Is that the female equivalent of blue balls?"

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

The kid says, "Yeah."

 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a...

Do you want to hear brand-new unoriginal jokes?

Nah, I already reddit.

What's a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

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What do you call a black man driving a brand new Corvette?

A fortunate human being, you racist prick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in his brand new car stops by his friends who were waiting for the bus.

His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it.

"So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything.

Having driven for over half an hour, she told m...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

Brand new Teslas don't come with new car smell.

They come with Elon's Musk.

A friend just got a brand new grand piano

I complimented him on it by saying it plays like a baby. He asked what did I mean by that? I said it's smooth, beautiful, and it makes an unbelievable racket if you kick it down a flight of stairs.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

Am I able to think up of a brand new color...

...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?

I just dropped my brand new phone into my beer...

Do you think, I can still drink it?

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

I’ve invented a new brand of cocaine that will literally blow your head off.

I call it Kurt Cocaine.

What's a vampire's favorite brand of tea bags?

Tampax

What's spider-mans favorite brand of rice ?

Uncle Ben

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

What brand of computer is best for music production?

A Dell.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

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As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

3 Brand New Cops Are Having Lunch... (Long)

One cop is Italian, one is Israeli, and the third is Polish. The police chief walks up to the new policemen, and goes “Boys, it’s your first day, and I have a quick question for you: who killed Jesus Christ?”

The Italian cop smiles, and goes “Well that’s an easy one, it was the Jewish people!...

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

They've recently discovered a brand new use for sheep in West Virginia...

... They're calling it "wool"...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

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Mr. Holmes, we need a good slogan for your brand of toilet paper.

No shit, Sherlock!