A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph,

looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Porsche.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

I just bought a brand new chainsaw for $10

It was a Stihl

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

Statistics show that people tend to overdose in one particular brand of car

Hyundai

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

*shows pictures of different brands of stereos that are black

Damn, that's a lot black stereo types.

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

Why doesn’t Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.

Ha got emm

The Vans brand has a really checkered past.

Sorry if this was Off the Wall.

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

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I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

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If Bill Gates and Elon Musk created a brand of viagra what would it be called?

ElonGates

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call off-brand Viagra?

Hard candy

What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer?

Dyson.

The other day I passed a school with a car brand as their name

Can you imagine, who would call a school Tesla

What brand of chocolate is popular with German priests?

Kinder

Bob is walking down the street when he says his old friend John passing in a brand new Rolls Royce

On seeing his old friend, John pulls over to say hello.

Bob sees the Rolls Royce and exclaims," Wow, how did you get the great car?"

John says," So I was going out for a walk on a sunny afternoon when a beautiful woman pulled over in this Rolls Royce and asked if I wanted a lift, so I ...

LPT: Use a name brand shopping bag as a trash bag while traveling in Europe

Once the bag is full, take some photos of your surroundings looking away from the shopping bag. By the time you look back, you no longer will have trash to get rid of.

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

What do you call a soviet brand snack

Dictato chips

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!"

He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

What's the cobblers favorite brand of chocolate?

Sneackers.

What is a statistician's favorite shoe brand?

Converse

What brand of underwear do thermometers wear?

Kelvin Klein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the name brand suppository say to the generic suppository?

Nothing. They were both stuck up assholes.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan...

They're calling it "Milk"

What do you call someone who switches water bottle brands a lot

An h2hoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it w...

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

A lot of people will prefer luxury toilet paper over cheaper brands;

But on the whole they're no different.

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape

Weird flex but ok

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the nex...

An older gentleman bought a brand new Corvette Stingray and drove it off the lot

He then immediately went to the nearest highway. He decided he was just going to see what it could do.

He gets going up to 80 mph, then 90, then up to 100. He is getting excited when he sees a state trooper behind him, he then just panics and puts his foot to the floor, accelerating himself ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

If car brand became a cult,

Would the leader of dodge be Jesus Chrysler?

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in parti...

I surprised my friend with a brand new car, it really took his breath away

He never saw it coming

My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue.

I think he should just pick one and stick with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in his brand new car stops by his friends who were waiting for the bus.

His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it.

"So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything.

Having driven for over half an hour, she told m...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

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A couple get given some brand new flavoured condoms to use...

They get home after enjoying some alcoholic beverages and decide to play a game.

The husband says to his wife "how about I put one of these new condoms on, you give it a bit of a suck and try and guess the flavour?".

The wife nodded in agreement.

They take off their clothes, j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

The kid says, "Yeah."

 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a...

Do you want to hear brand-new unoriginal jokes?

Nah, I already reddit.

My neighbor has one of these brand new completely automated cars. Cool, but...

I'd never drive one of those things.

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I have an idea for a knockoff brand of headphones.

Beats, by Chris Brown

In available colors

* Blood red

* Teardrop blue

* Loose tooth white

* Bruise purple

* Open wound pink

* Unconcious black

* Pissed myself yellow

* Morphine clear

* Chris BROWN

Prices so low you will be ...

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

Brand new Teslas don't come with new car smell.

They come with Elon's Musk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man driving a brand new Corvette?

A fortunate human being, you racist prick.

What do you call a generic brand of potatoes?

Imitators

What's a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

Am I able to think up of a brand new color...

...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did they decide to name their brand Gucci?

Because most people that wear it are somewhere between an asshole and a dick.

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