A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”


The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”


The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the o...

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya ...

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln

As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!"

He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

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Two tampons are walking down the street. One is name brand, and the other is generic. Which one says hello first?

Neither, because they’re both stuck up bitches.

what do you call an off brand Tesla?

An Edison

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

What do you call someone who switches water bottle brands a lot

An h2hoe

They've recently discovered a brand new use for goats in Pakistan...

They're calling it "Milk"

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I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

What’s a soccer fan’s favorite lotion brand?

Olay, olay, olay, olay

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I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was...

The top reply was: How the fuck did you get in here?

My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape

Weird flex but ok

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

A lot of people will prefer luxury toilet paper over cheaper brands;

But on the whole they're no different.

What brand of underwear does the sun wear?

Kelvin Klein

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it w...

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

I’m selling an almost brand new iPhone X with a minor issue for $50

Issue: the owner is calling

If car brand became a cult,

Would the leader of dodge be Jesus Chrysler?

My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue.

I think he should just pick one and stick with it.

An older gentleman bought a brand new Corvette Stingray and drove it off the lot

He then immediately went to the nearest highway. He decided he was just going to see what it could do.

He gets going up to 80 mph, then 90, then up to 100. He is getting excited when he sees a state trooper behind him, he then just panics and puts his foot to the floor, accelerating himself ...

A brilliant inventor creates a brand new type of leather.

This leather is such an amazing product, the inventor is convinced he's made his legacy. He starts a company that manufactures clothes made out of this new leather material, and it instantly becomes a massive success. Everybody went crazy for their products, and the company's leather jeans in parti...

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What is the brand of underwear that Thor uses?

Ass guard

I surprised my friend with a brand new car, it really took his breath away

He never saw it coming

I’ve developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and there’s no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

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A couple get given some brand new flavoured condoms to use...

They get home after enjoying some alcoholic beverages and decide to play a game.

The husband says to his wife "how about I put one of these new condoms on, you give it a bit of a suck and try and guess the flavour?".

The wife nodded in agreement.

They take off their clothes, j...

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the nex...

What do you call a generic brand of potatoes?

Imitators

Just passed a road sign advertising Blue Taco brand tacos...

My wife asked me, "Is that the female equivalent of blue balls?"

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I have an idea for a knockoff brand of headphones.

Beats, by Chris Brown

In available colors

* Blood red

* Teardrop blue

* Loose tooth white

* Bruise purple

* Open wound pink

* Unconcious black

* Pissed myself yellow

* Morphine clear

* Chris BROWN

Prices so low you will be ...

What's a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

Do you want to hear brand-new unoriginal jokes?

Nah, I already reddit.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

The kid says, "Yeah."

 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a...

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What do you call a black man driving a brand new Corvette?

A fortunate human being, you racist prick.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

A friend just got a brand new grand piano

I complimented him on it by saying it plays like a baby. He asked what did I mean by that? I said it's smooth, beautiful, and it makes an unbelievable racket if you kick it down a flight of stairs.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

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A man in his brand new car stops by his friends who were waiting for the bus.

His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it.

"So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything.

Having driven for over half an hour, she told m...

Brand new Teslas don't come with new car smell.

They come with Elon's Musk.

Am I able to think up of a brand new color...

...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?

I’ve invented a new brand of cocaine that will literally blow your head off.

I call it Kurt Cocaine.

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a single guy living alone, I get invited to dinners with family friends or my parents or friends parents places. When use the bathroom I notice that every one seems they have these toilet paper holders, like little stacks of 2 to 4 brand new toilet paper rolls in some form of stacking device.....

I think back to my place & financial situation making one Toilet roll last as long as possible, to ensure that I keep to my tight budget of living alone with a dead end job.

To me it’s like these toilet roll stacks in the bathroom feel almost like a ostentatious display of the people’s li...

What is Captain Kirk's favorite brand of paper products?

Scott

I just dropped my brand new phone into my beer...

Do you think, I can still drink it?

What's spider-mans favorite brand of rice ?

Uncle Ben

What brand of computer is best for music production?

A Dell.

What's a vampire's favorite brand of tea bags?

Tampax

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

3 Brand New Cops Are Having Lunch... (Long)

One cop is Italian, one is Israeli, and the third is Polish. The police chief walks up to the new policemen, and goes “Boys, it’s your first day, and I have a quick question for you: who killed Jesus Christ?”

The Italian cop smiles, and goes “Well that’s an easy one, it was the Jewish people!...

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

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Mr. Holmes, we need a good slogan for your brand of toilet paper.

No shit, Sherlock!

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn’t understand.
The snail wanted a big “S” on the driver’s and passenger’s doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
“When I drive by someone at ...

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A man meets an escort in a bar..

.. and after talking to her for a little bit he says, “alright, enough talk. How much is it going to cost me for a handjob?”

The escort says, “that’ll cost you $50.”

“$50 for a handjob?! You gotta be kiddin me!” Says the man.

“Well come look out here”, she says, “see that car ou...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st..

I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place

LPT: Don't waste a bit more money for the brand-name bleach; it isn't any different than the bargain brand

They taste exactly the same

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

It's Judgment Day and three married men are sent to heaven

Three friends are standing in line waiting to be judged: Jim, Billy and Kevin.

​

Forward comes Jim and God tells him: "Jim, you've been loyal to your wife and never cheated". God gives Jim a brand new sports car and tells him to drive to heaven and off goes Jim.

&...

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents....