An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

I interviewed some people about what shampoo brand they used.

To my surprise, all 10/10 of them uses "GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM"!

I got a brand new Tesla for my wife.

Pretty decent trade, if you ask me.

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride ...

Why did the woman with a stalker ex-boyfriend buy every brand of soap in the store?

Because she wanted a good deter-gent.

Me: I got a brand new Mercedes for my wife

Friend: Wow what an unbelievable offer!!!!

What brand of glasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Okaleys

Which brand of computer will win the Grammy's?

A dell.

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Reddit is releasing its own brand of olive oil in honor of its users

It only comes in extra virgin

I bought my first brand new iPhone and I was so excited

My friends had been telling me how much they love their’s but mine’s been nothing but trouble from WiFi problems to dropped calls to rebooting out of nowhere. I’m starting to think my friends lied to me or maybe I just got a bad apple.

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone?

They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.

It's called the Renault McCann

Ruined a brand new pair of shoes.

It's raining cats and dogs out and I stepped in a poodle.

What is Sauron’s favorite brand of cell phone?

Mordorola

My store is currently selling Marvel branded socks

Im probably not going to buy any because im sure they will make my feet all Thor.

What do Tesla brand car airfresheners smell like?

Elon Musk

K. I'll show myself out.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

My boss has arrived with a brand new ferari. "Wow" I said amazed. He told me then :

"If you work hard enough and put all your effort to strive for excellence without taking hours break, i might get another one next year."

Why is Whole Foods’ house brand called 365?

Cuz you have to work 365 days a year to afford it.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

TIL that in the '60s, Liverpool FC tried to get Yul Brynner to advertise their own-brand aftershave.

Sadly, it was doomed to fail because...

Yul never wore cologne.

What brand of clothing do pirates prefer?

Fruit of Doubloon.

What brand of cereal is the strongest??

Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

What is a Sith's favourite brand of vodka?

*Absolut*

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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They just offered me sex in exchange for advertising a new detergent brand, can you believe it?

Of course I did not accept, because my will is strong, as strong as the new Axion liquid cleaner, the only true grease and stain remover, now with a new and irresistible vanilla-cherry scent.

They are developing a brand new fan technology

It's so cool

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him...

He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my ...

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

Two parents are arguing about whose child is the most stupid.

"Mine is very stupid", says the first one. "And to show you what I mean: Hey son, take this dollar and go buy my a piano! You saw him! He's going!"

"Nah... mine is even more stupid" replies the second one. "Hey son, go to the cafeteria to check if I'm there. Check him out!! He left."

L...

67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones.

Bob was in big trouble......

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the ...

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Why do we have diaper brands named "Huggies, luvs and Depends?

When a baby shits themselves we will still "Hug" and "love" them.


When an old person shits themselves it "depends" who is on the will...

Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

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Nobody was buying the John Wayne brand toilet paper at the store

Probably because it’s rough and tough and doesn’t take shit off anybody.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

If EU were a person

If EU were a person and they start a new clothing brand, what would it be called?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

EUropa

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

Marten the Mallard likes shoes, but is loyal to only one brand...

Duck Martens

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

What’s Luke Skywalker’s favorite car brand ?

It’s ToYoda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

What is Hellboy's favourite mayonnaise brand?

His father's

What's a nun's favourite clothing brand?

Superdry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. A guy is trying to quit smoking

He tries out nicotine patches and they work great. He goes into a public restroom and sees another guy at the urinal with the same brand patch on his dick. He asks the man "Does that actually work?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Yes! Im down to two butts a day!"

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My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

A snail walks into a car dealership...

A snail walks into a car dealership. The snail wants something fast, elegant, and luxurious, after browsing multiple brands he decides on one.

The rich snail pays in cash and walks up to the dealerships salesman and says "I want you to paint big S's all along this car, big S's on the front, t...

I've done a survey asking women what shampoo brand they used in shower.

99% of the respondents answered: "What are you doing here? Get out!"

What brand are Mario's overalls?

..Denim denim denim

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

Steve Harvey follows in George Foreman's footsteps and starts a kitchen appliances brand

His first item: the Stove Harvey.

^^Sorry ^^its ^^5AM ^^and ^^I've ^^been ^^awake ^^since ^^2AM ^^writing ^^a ^^10 ^^page ^^essay ^^and ^^am ^^trying ^^to ^^procrastinate. ^^I'm ^^sleep ^^deprived ^^and ^^this ^^is ^^funny. ^^I'll ^^let ^^myself ^^out...

I learned the Mandalorian stays ripped by drinking his own brand of protein powder.

This Is The Whey

Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020

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After six months of a man feeling his wife drifting away...

He comes home one night to find all the appliances in the house is brand new. He asks his wife whats going on and she just shrugs. Next night he comes home and all furniture have been replace... wife shrugs him off. Wednesday night and he finds a brand new car And pick up in the driveway ( the very ...

Why are you giving me ice?

So I just purchased a brand new shirt at the clothing store. After I had paid for it, I said “thanks” to the cashier and was just about to walk away when he said “Wait!” I turned to the cashier. He said, “Anyone who purchases our clothing is entitled to one small piece of ice.” Apparently he had a m...

Does this Turkish joke translate well?

A brand new professor is starting his first day teaching at a university. To do a better job of helping his students, he wants to know who is struggling most in class so he asks his students:

"If there is anyone in this class that feels like they're not smart enough and are struggling, please...

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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Three very successful businessmen were sitting in a restaurant and discussed about their sons

First businessman goes to say "my son finished Oxford University, now he has his own company, he's rich and for his best friend's birthday he got him a brand new Lamborghini"


"Wow that's very impressive" they all agree


Second one says "my son, my pride and joy, he opened his ow...

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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

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A Brand New Car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket to win a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a bran...

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

This happened many years ago when Blackberry phones were still popular

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep yo...

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said t...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

My insurance wouldn't cover the my Viagara prescription, so I had to get the generic brand.

Mydixadril

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich guy and a poor guy walk into a bar...

They both sit at the bar to order a drink and get to talking with each other

The poor guy says his wife's birthday is coming up and asks the rich guy what he got his wife for her birthday.

The rich guy replies and says, "it's simple! I bought her a brand new Mercedes and a diamond ne...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

Another joke translated from my native language

There's recently been many jokes in languages from people around the world. I though I'd give it a go.


Johnny got a brand new bike and was proudly riding it around his house.
He rode past the kitchen window and yelled to his mom: "hey mom, look! I am riding without my legs". A while la...

Little Johny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch...

His best friend, little Tommy, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I di...

I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.

Pills bury doughboy.

A blond was speeding through town in a brand new Corvette...

She gets pulled over by a cop who is also a blond. The cop says," I'm going to need to see your driver's license."

The blond driver asks,"What does it look like?"

"Well, it's rectangular and has a picture of you on it"the cop replies.

She grabs the vanity mirror and hands it to ...

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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

What’s the suns favourite clothes brand?

Kelvin Klein

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

I just bought a brand new chainsaw for $10

It was a Stihl

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brash American tourist got seated next to a Chinese man in a plane.

Mid flight, the Chinese man ordered for a marmalade sandwich. The American could not contain his curiosity so he struck up a conversation with his seatmate.

"You enjoyin' that sandwich, pal?" he asked

"Yes" politely answered the Chinese man after he took a bite and made a few chews....

I had a friend win a brand new Tesla at a radio promotion

It was free of charge...

So a boss walks into his business meeting

He sits at the head of the table and says
“We need to stop testing our products on animals”

One of his employees exclaim “Why?! Makeup brands do it all the time!”

He turns to her and says “Susan? We make hammers, what do you not understand!”

George loved to eat watches

Every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner George would eat his favorite brand of watch.

Feeling fancy? A Rolex does the job better than any restaurant.

Special occasion? A grandfather clock would fit any event perfectly.


Going on a diet? Apple watches are the way to go!
...

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the nex...

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and...

The Ungent family owns a successful soap business

They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.

“It should be named after the scent,” one declared.

“No, no, no,” another corrected, “it has to be after our family name.”

“Why can’t we just c...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

What vacuum cleaner brand do Antivaxxers prefer?

Dyson.

Why doesn’t Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.

Ha got emm

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