I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a his...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

I was late to my cannibal family's Thanksgiving dinner

I got the cold shoulder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A late Halloween political joke.

The president and his wife were invited to a Halloween costume party. The Donald enters their apartment and notices Melania is wearing nothing but a pair of hip boots. "What the hell is that?"

Melania looks at him and says, "It's my costume: I'm going as Puss In Boots."

Donald nods a...

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty bucks," she says.


He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

From my late Polish grandpa

A man moved to a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, and fell in love with the community because everyone was so nice, happy and good looking.

Upon his next doctor’s visit, he asked, “Doctor, how do I become Polish? Everyone is so nice, happy and good looking.”

“Easy!” his doctor responde...

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Why was the hipster fish late to the party?

Because he didn’t take the mainstream.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

Why is Saudi Arabia so late to givng rights to women?

Because they have been living under Iraq.

During his years at college in the 70s Former Vice President Al Gore was introduced to the disco scene. Spending every spare evening he could frequenting the Discos across town and Dancing out late all night. His dancing passion eventually earned him a nickname, they called him........

Al-Gore-Rhythm

Lately, I've been really afraid of elevators.

I've been taking steps to avoid them.

What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

My dad said he didn't come into his own until his late 30's

I thought it was quite insightful, but my sister didn't appreciate it.

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes

I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.

I’ll never forget the words of my late grandfather.

“Sorry, I’m late again.”

Lately, i called a chinese restaurant for a reservation

i also mentioned that i would bring my little dog.
They told me: "No outside food allowed!"

Ole has not been satisfying Lena lately, so he goes off to the doctor

When he comes back he is wearing pinstripe trousers, ruffled shirt with silk tie, a frock coat and a tall hat. He has a huge gold pocket watch and is smoking a cigar the size of a dachshund, and he is leaning on a silver-mounted ebony walking stick.

"Ole!" yells Lena, "what on earth are you d...

Early one morning, late one night

two dead men came out to fight

back to back they faced each-other, drew their swords and shot each-other

A deaf policeman heard the noise, came to rescue the two dead boys

If you don't believe this story it's true, ask the blind man he saw it too

I’m worried I’ve become very obsessed with Wonder Woman, Black Widow and Captain Marvel lately.

I think I might be a heroine addict.

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife and I have been having a lot more sex lately

Too bad for whoever her husband is

Why was the broom late for the meeting?

It overswept.

Why was Putin late for work today?

His car kept Stalin

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

Boss : "You'll have to work late this weekend."

Me : "But what about my children?"

Boss : "You don't have children."

Me : " Like this, I never will."

Do you know why I stay up late on weekends?

Because sleep is for the week.

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started?

A late boomer

My wife and I had some difficulties lately in bed

We have some different interests

She likes roleplay

And I am into men

Guys late for exam

2 guys drove an hour to a bar from their school at the eve of their exam.

However they got drunk at the bar and didn't drive back. By the time they reach the exam hall, the professor has collected all the papers.

Both guys explained to the professor how one of their car tyre went flat ...

Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road.

A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, "Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop looks at h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My axe has been making weird sounds lately...

Such as: "Ouch!", "Oh shit!" "Stop!" "No!" "Please!"

My husband noticed my unusual behavior lately and finally asked if I'm secretly a pole dancer. A pole dancer!?

Ive never even been to Poland

I’ve decided I’ve been doing enough sitting around lately

It’s time for me to stand around

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ladies, what is it lately with the finger in the guy's butt?

And why does it cost $50?

I've been dating a couple of anorexic girls lately

two birds, one stone.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

[WARNING OC!] What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to his donkey when he's late?

"Underlay Underlay Underlay!"

A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night...

The cop says “how high are you, sir?”

The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

I came into work late and my manager said "you're late!"

I said, "no, i'm early for tomorrow."

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Why was the Broom late for work?

Wakka Wakka U?

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door. Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
...

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

Why you're late?

My teacher asked me why I'm late then I answered "there was a man who lost his 100$" then she asked " Did you help him find his money?" I answered " No ma'am, I stepped on the 100$ until he's gone".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

The management at my laundromat has been having some issues lately, and as a result, have been slow on getting items back

I need my suit on Sunday so I hope they've ironed things out.

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

My late dad's fave joke

There were 2 fish in a tank



One says to the other,



"How do we drive this thing?"

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.

I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

15 minutes late..

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

A husband comes home with a cat as a surprise to cheer up his wife who's been depressed lately since her mother passed away...

The cat was sneaking around the kitchen and knocked over some canned beans in the process. This made quite a bit of noise so when the wife went to the kitchen to investigate, she was pleasantly surprised to see that the cat was out of the bag and that she had spilled the beans.

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lately, it's been getting harder and harder as each day passes by..

Which makes me think that this over the counter Viagra is legit.

This sub is really disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

Ovinophobic drunk dad comes home late at night, belt in hand.

I pretended to be asheep.

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was walking to a bar

and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex.

Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the positions they fucked in.

Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Kids were late to class...

I've never seen thus joke here on Reddit at all so I thought I'd guve it a try. This has been told to me by friends and family in the past.

There were a few kids late to class and the teacher was wondering why they were late, here's how it went down:

Teacher: Hello Asam, why are you la...

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

My mother used to say "never come back home late at night"

I never disobey her. I come back early in the morning.

Three cannibals were invited to a party

One was an hour late and all he got was the cold shoulder. The other two each had a ball.

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's no...

It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

The Genesis members have gained weight lately.

They're Gettin Fatter By The Pound.

Why was Steve Winwood late?

He got stuck in Traffic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

I've been playing Minecraft lately....

It's a very top-Notch game

Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?

Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.

Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here...

Lately my comment karma has been so good, Reddit sent me an award featuring a colorful lizard.

It's a comment karma chameleon.

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.

He asks: "Why do you use that"

\- "It makes my hair look longer"



Later the next day, at the hospital

Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

A very cheap widow goes to a newspaper industry to write a eulogy for her late husband

"Alright," says the newspaper guy. "I'm sorry for your loss. It'll be one dollar per word."

The widow clutches her heart in shock, then says, "Fine. 'Husband died'."

"Sorry, ma'am, but the eulogy has to be a minimum of five words."

The woman sighs in exasperation and replies, "F...

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.



“Yes, does Billy Powe...

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