A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty bucks," she says.


He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer. ...

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

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I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.

I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

Once a drunk husband arrived late at his home, He rang the bell..

Wife : where have you been till this late, I am not going to open the door. Sleep outside on the road tonight.

There was a well beside their house.

Husband : I'll Jump into well If you don't open the door.

Wife : Do whatever you have to do, I won't open the door tonight.
...

A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, th...

I went for my interview to be a bus driver.

I said, "Sorry I'm late."

They said, "You're hired"

Late one night...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop give...

I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.

My homework ate my dog.

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

A cop pulls over a man for swerving on the roads late at night...

The cop says “how high are you, sir?”

The man replies with “no officer I believe it’s ‘hi, how are you?’”

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A man is leaving work late. He gets into his car and goes home.

On the way he reaches a long, straight stretch of road with no other cars, so he decides to speed up a bit.

As he passed a lay-by, a police car turns on its lights and sirens and motions to him to pull over.

The man does, and a police officer gets out and walks up to the man.

"D...

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

Its time for class, Ms. Smith noticed a few empty seats, 3 students were late.

"Good morning everyone, we have a new student to greet today, his name is Timmy, although he appears to be late."

Just then, Jen walks into class "sorry im late Ms. Smith, I lost track of time while blowing bubbles."
"That's okay Jen, just dont make a habit out of it okay?" Ms. Smith repli...

I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me a cold shoulder

Why was the Broom late for work?

Wakka Wakka U?

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

At the start of the wedding party the organizer announced that they had ordered a whole pig, but something went wrong with the delivery and the pig would be late/not coming.

One guest said: "I hope this will be the last time in this relationship that someone says "what is taking that pig so long?""

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive.

Ovinophobic drunk dad comes home late at night, belt in hand.

I pretended to be asheep.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

My late dad's fave joke

There were 2 fish in a tank



One says to the other,



"How do we drive this thing?"

I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional.

I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

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It was in the late 1930s in Germany and a Jewish man who was sitting in a restaurant reading a Nazi newspaper.

A friend of his, who passed by, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading the Nazi newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing...

I'd always roll into class late super stoned or hung over, id try to sneak to my desk without people noticing

I really was a bad kindergarten teacher

Why was Steve Winwood late?

He got stuck in Traffic.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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Two students are late for school,

so their teacher sends them to the principal's office.

The first boy enters and sits down. The principal asks him why he was late, to which the boy responds, "I was throwing sticks in the lake." The principal, new at the school, thinks to himself, "Boy, this school sure is strict - that's no...

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A guy is ready to go to dinner at a fancy restaurant while his wife is late and still getting ready.

He sees her using a hair straightener.

He asks: "Why do you use that"

\- "It makes my hair look longer"



Later the next day, at the hospital

Dr: "Now, Mr. Howard, would you please like to explain to me why you have 2nd-degree burns on your penis.

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded.

“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.”

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Counting your ribs.”

A Student was late

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. 
Teacher: Thats nice. Were you helping him look for it ? 
Student: No. I was standing on it.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

My mother used to say "never come back home late at night"

I never disobey her. I come back early in the morning.

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

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Husband: Why are you applying makeup so late at night hon?

Wife: I face-lock my phone while my makeup was on & now that fucking thing isn’t working.

A very cheap widow goes to a newspaper industry to write a eulogy for her late husband

"Alright," says the newspaper guy. "I'm sorry for your loss. It'll be one dollar per word."

The widow clutches her heart in shock, then says, "Fine. 'Husband died'."

"Sorry, ma'am, but the eulogy has to be a minimum of five words."

The woman sighs in exasperation and replies, "F...

An ambulance is like a Pizza delivery

If they're late the delivery ends up cold.

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An old man saw little Jonny walking down the street.

An old man saw little Johnny walking down the street with some chicken wire. The old man said "Jonny what are you doing with that chicken wire." Johnny replied "I'm going to catch some chickens.” ”You can't catch chicken with chicken wire” replied the old man. Later that afternoon Johnny came by wit...

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.



“Yes, does Billy Powe...

It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

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A drunken guy ( call him John) arrives home late at night

He finds his wife asleep in bed. He changes his clothes and lies in bed next to his wife and falls asleep almost instantly.
He wakes up after a while to see his bed is surrounded by clouds, his wife isn't next to him and there's a guy looking down on him.
"Who are you and what is this place?"...

My wife and I are driving to work, running late. How fast would we have to go to both get ahead?

69 of course!

Sorry my first ever post here is pretty silly but made me smile on the way to work this morning so thought I’d share.

Little Johnny is late to school yet again.

So his teacher finally asks him what is the reason he is always late.
Little Johnny proudly replies: -I'm obeying the traffic sign!
-Stop kidding me Johnny, how can a traffic sign be blamed for this?
Little Johnny proudly again: -Well it says "Warning, school zone! Slow down!"

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

A bit late for Mothers day but still.

In elementary school, all the kids get an assignment to write an essay on the topic "There is only one Mom".

So little Ivica did his one, and the next day, the teacher goes around asking the kids to read out their essays. She asks little Ivica. He goes:

"So yesterday when I got home fr...

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

What do you call a Chinese man who is always late for work?

Long Lie In

A kid is late for school one day. “I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,” he explains to the teacher.

“Well, couldn’t your father have done that?” the teacher asks after class.



“Sure,” the boy replies. “But the bull would have done a better job.”

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

The boss to the employees: "You came two hours late to work, do you have an explanation for it?"

"Yes, I become a mother."

"Congratulations, when's the baby due?"

"In 9 months."

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

3 men go to a hotel late at night

Only one room is left and there is only one large bed to sleep on, the men decide to go and share it.

The morning after...

Man on the left: Guys, I had an awesome dream last night. I hooked up with this smoking hot blonde and got a handjob!

Man on the right: whoa, what a coinc...

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything.

I called him 9/12

For my late grandfather, his favorite joke. "My wife, she can't wrestle..."

"But you should see her box!"

And he'd laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

One evening, a dad joke came home late from the office.

He and your mom joke got a little drunk after dinner and since the pharmacy was closed, well, lewd story short, that's how they ended up with a pun in the oven.

Running late to work

So I’m on my way to work. This Dodge Durango is in front of me is going slow. Then I noticed it was for sale. the number was on the back window. So I decided to call it.

ME “ i’m calling about the blue Durango”

THEM “ok, yes it’s for sale”

ME “Does it run”

THEM “yes it d...

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The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying “thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate”. The other man grateful...

A tribute to my late wife

She's still getting ready upstairs and I might leave without her.

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late

Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kev...

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Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the drunk. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. Someone on the other side of the wa...

What did the special education teacher say to one of their students that was late?

You’re tardy!

Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the phone with late xxxtentacion...

My friends walked up to me and asked “what did jahseh?”

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"

So I said "Thank you for your loss."

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One day Johnny was late for science class. When his teacher asked where he had been, he replied, "I've been putting fire crackers up a frogs arse!"

"Rectum!" Says the teacher, horrified.
"Wrecked 'im!?  It damn near killed him!!"

I got banned from playing soccer for 10 years for a tackle. To be fair it was a bit late.

He was getting into his car at the time.

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

A mortician was working late one night.

He was examining the body of a Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.   
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It ...

A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

Why are snowmen always late?

They’re a bunch of flakes.

Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.

"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.

"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.

"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient an...

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight ho...

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A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

An OB/GYN student is late for his final exam.

He races out of bed, gets dressed, and is out the door in 5 minutes. He quickly gets to the lecture hall, and sits down just in time to receive a test.


Unbeknownst to him however, he had run to the wrong room: the Law lecture hall. The student reads over the first question, assured in hi...

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a prostitute say when arriving too late?

I am sorry, I got tied up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds

"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"

The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.

Some time during, a cop pulls up...

Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?

Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?

Don't want your child but to late for an abortion?

Don't vaccinate them and wait 3-10 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In memory of the late George Carlin

Catholics hate abortions.

Catholics hate homosexuals.

But who has less abortions than homosexuals?

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

If your man comes home late at night smelling of strange perfume...

You're probably getting perfume for Christmas.

People always say I'm late and disorganised.

But wait until they see what I've got organised for tonight's New Year Eve party!!

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I recently traveled through time to hook-up with Queen Victoria, the famous nympho-queen of England in the late 1800's.

I was stunned to find out that she wanted me adorned in the latest fashions before we consummated our tri-millenium tryst. She made me wait until I grew large mutton-chop side-burns and a moustache. It took like three weeks. Meanwhile, she had a high fastening and tight fitting frock coat cut to ...

An elderly couple were having late night drinks in a bar.

Wife: I love you so much. Some times I wonder how I would have got through my life without you.

The husband pauses, shocked.

Husband: is that you or the wine talking?

The wife smiled.

Wife: that was me talking..... to the wine!

Too late!

Doctor: Peter I have good news and bad news.

Peter: Give me the good news.

Doctor: You have one day left to live.

Patient: Wtf if that's the good news what's worse than that?

Doctor: Ummm, I should've told you this yesterday.

Teacher asks Johnny : Why are you so late for school?

Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Johnny: The sign that says “School ahead go slow “.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

"Where have you been?" asks his wife.

"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

"Do you have golden chairs?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden glas...

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A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

Why do special Ed classes always start late

Because everyone is a little tardy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men and their wives were walking through a Forrest late at night...

All of the sudden, a large cat crosses their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop.

The first mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to fight off cougars all the time when they try to hit on you at the bar, I got this”

The mans wife approaches the cougar and...

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

Why are hairdressers never late for work?

They know all of the short cuts!

Why was Joey late for math class?

He took the rhombus

A single man comes home late, looks to see what is in the fridge, and goes to bed

A married man comes home late, looks to see what is in the bed, and goes to the fridge.

Depth perception jokes are always near misses.

It's like I never see the punchline until it is too late.

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