It’s been 4 years since my last job interview

I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

It’s been 15 years since the show ended, but people are still making “Friends” references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

since lil peep died....

would you say he's an underground rapper now?

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Howard

Me: Howard who?

Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?

This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

My parents told me to like manlier things more since I’m a guy.

So I did.

And that, kids, is how I fell in love with your father.

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

Since yesterday I've been feeling a strong urge to take a world tour.

The symptoms of Coronavirus are probably kicking in.

It's been some time since I saw any good event

What do you mean, Don't you wear a pair of eye-glasses
So?


Don't you see a SPECTACLE every day?

The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

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The reactions to the half time show are pretty mixed. I've seen some people say it was the best since Prince and some people say it's the worst since Coldplay. Others have said it was complete ass.

It’s hard to tell what they think.

"I haven't laughed since my wife died."

"Why did you laugh when your wife died?"

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

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A few months ago, my dick suddenly turned red. I have been keeping a diary about it since then.

I call it the Chronicles of Reddick.

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Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back ...

Dad: I haven't showered since last year

Me: You're too early, it's not 2020 yet!

Dad: Does that make a difference?

I started carrying a knife ever since an attempted mugging a couple years ago

Ever since then my mugging success rate has gone up

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel.

Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Since it's New Years, I can say I haven't showered in a year!

Actually it's probably been about a year and a half

Since seeing a relationship coach, I'm finally happy in my marriage

She's amazing in bed

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I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two m...

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

I was going to make a chemistry joke, but since I'm old to this sub...

... I don't have any Neons...

... and all the good ones Argon!

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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a ...

No progress since I joined the gym 5 months ago.

I'm going down there in person tomorrow and talk to the manager.

Since when does screaming helps with sugars cravings? Because I asked many people about their way of stopping sugar cravings and each one of them said...

Ice cream.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

A boy and a girl were best friends since they were kids

They used to play with wooden toy pirates after school, using ventilation shafts in each others' houses as their place to get away from their family issues.

They used to play in these tunnels for years, until eventually they grew too old for this. However, they still stayed friends, and afte...

I started keeping a Glock with me since the attempted robbery years ago...

I've been more successful in taking people's belongings since!

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

What nation has caused the largest population growth since 1970?

Insemination.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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I have been sexually active since 12...

It's 12:15 and my hand is killing me.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Since we’re doing limericks

There once was a woman from Arden

Who was blowing her man in her garden

He said “my dear Flo,

Where does it all go?

She said *gulp* “I beg your pardon?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein proposed The Theory of Relativity.

Feels like only yesterday.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.



This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

I told my kids that I have not used a single piece of plastic since decades.

All 16 of them could not believe it.

All the avatar has done is complain about the youngsters since his return, so the new series is now called

Boomer Aang

But at least he is back!

(This is seriously what insomnia does to a guys already fading sanity).

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

Ever since Dwayne moved into the apartment above mine,

people tell be I've been living under the rock.

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table

‪ at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear...

I am so grateful to say I've been sober since 2015

Or for those that don't use military time, since 8:15 p.m. last night.

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Since today is a palindrome, wanted to share with everyone my favorite one.

The word nothing, spelled backwards is gnihton, which also means nothing.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

My girl friend changed ever since she became vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Totos is wondering why he failed the test since he answered all questions correct:

1. In which battle did Leonidas die?

\- His last one.



2. Where did the Declaration of Independence was signed?

\- At the bottom of the page.



3. If you throw a stone in the lake, what will happen?

\- It will get wet.



4. How can some...

If the wait is too long when you're standing in a queue

Just cough loudly and say "Damn ! it's getting worse since I got back from China"

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

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A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

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A man walks into a bar with the head a size of an orange

The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. But the man has head the size of an orange.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion

A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him.
She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?"
He replies saying,"1945"
The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time"
The marine goes with her and they have amazing s...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a sin...

What has Trump been doing since his call to the Ukraine?

He’s Biden his time.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

My grammar has suffered since I became a vegetarian

I mistakes.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago...

I since live in constant fear

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"

With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ....

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

Since Dorian refuses to move

Can we downgrade it to a Not-in-a-Hurricane?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scotland recently became the first country to offer free sanitary products to all women.

Makes sense since all their politicians are just self-serving cunts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

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A farmer wakes up to discover that his precious Alpine goat had died overnight.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and discovered his note. She too, followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no ...

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Men are in a plane

But unfortunately the engine stalled and they crashed on an uncharted island. They survive, but immediately are captured by natives. As they sit in their bamboo cage, the chief walks up to them and gives them a deal: join them or die.

The first guy feels he has something to live for, so the c...

Man on a deserted island (Long)

A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure cre...

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

Since it the unemployment rate in America is at all time low...

A record amount of Americans are having trouble finding a third job.

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A monk joins a monastery...

...and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years

After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words

Monk: “bed hard”

Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes”

Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father

Monk: “food bad”

Father: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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A priest and a rabbi are travelling on a train

At one point, the priest asks the rabbi: “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but I’ve often wondered if you've ever tried bacon” The rabbi admitted: “Well, I did once, out of curiosity many years ago, but never again” The priest smiled kindly: “I understand, old friend. Your secret’s safe with me” A f...

Doctor: I have bad news and I have worse news. Patient: Well what’s the bad news? Doctor: You have one day left to live. Patient: What news could possibly be worse?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday...

I'm not scared of the corona virus.

Since it's made in China, I don't expect it to be working for much longer. Looks good first, but falls apart after the first use.

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.

I guess they just weren't up her alley.


God she's such a pinhead.

Some friars decided to open a florist shop...

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair and asked them to close their shop. They refused.

He went back the next day and asked them again. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

A man decides to sell his Jeep Wrangler

Because his friends keep giving him a hard time about the car saying it’s a vehicle made for teenage girls, the Jeep owner decided to go ahead and sell it.

One of the man’s friends felt pretty bad about it and decided to help him out, telling the owner that he would drive it around with the ...

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