In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s a Ford Focus

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

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A guy walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the counter...

The woman behind the counter says ‘this is a clock shop not a cock shop’

The guy looks and her and says ‘well why don’t you put a face and two hands on it’

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?

So when they dock, they can scandinavian.

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A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.


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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her...

I recently watched a documentary about how ships are put together

It was riveting

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

Steve Irwin put on sunscreen.

Too bad it didn’t protect him from harmful rays.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds....

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

Why does it cost $2.00 to put air in my tires?


A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

What are the best “I put the ___ in ___” jokes?

I’ve been using “I put the hot in psychotic” for ages and it’s becoming stale so I need another one lmao

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So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?


My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

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At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

A man puts a condom on inside out.....

He went.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I cannot understanf why Marvel haven't put advertisements on the Hulk...

... He is essentially a giant banner

What do you call someone who puts milk before cereal?

A cereal killer

Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

Today i put down my favorite dog...

He was getting to fat to carry

What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread


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Someone should really put marijuana butter on popcorn and sell it...

they could call it Mari Poppins.

I forgot to put the reference in italics on my essay.

so i got markdown

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Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

What happens if you put an iphone in the blender?

You get Apple juice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asked me if I wanted her to look in my eyes when she put it in her mouth.

I told her just to blow in the fucking breathalizer already.

I turned 18 today, so I bought myself a locket and put my picture in it. I guess I really am


Why do they put fences around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in there.

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

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My friend put his dick in a peanutbutter jar

He's fucking nuts I tell ya

"Say, you and your wife... did you ever put it in the other hole?"

"Are you crazy, man? She'd get pregnant!"

I met this guy who liked to put helium balloons in his ship

Whatever floats your boat I guess

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

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I had the wierdest sex yesterday. A guy put his penis in my ear

I still can't get it out of my head

I put my root beer in a square glass

Now it's just beer

I took LSD then put my glasses on

It was LHD

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Someone at work put an airhorn in the bathroom

Scared the shit out of me!

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.

But hell does that burn!

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

Do you know how much pressure did the Cartel put on the Columbian goverment in the 80s?

1 escobar

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“


They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99.

It will be the bill that was formerly known as a Twenty.


I bought an elephant for my friend to put in his room. He said thanks.

I told him "Don't mention it."

I recently bought a Christmas Tree. The guy I bought it from asked "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said, "No, I was thinking in the living room"

- Gary Delaney

Why do they put Marines on Navy ships?

Because sheep would be too obvious.

A guy in NY orders a taxi to go cross state. The taxi pulls up, and he gets, carrying a large box which he puts in the back.

They set out driving, while the guy is looking at the box nervously every ten minutes or so. When they get to New Jersey, the man calls his wife. ''Hi honey, yes, they did give me the jewelry. I'll have it priced in Atlanta, it'd probably be 200 thousand or so. I'll call you when I'm done''.

My uncle died because he put on too much weight.

Doctors said it was the worst bench press accident they’d ever seen.

Watching the State of the Union. Who put on Trump's tie?

Must've been's crooked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

In short, this joke will put you on the floor!

It's a 1 inch punch line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."

"This is one hole, my nose ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend wanted me to put more trust in her

So i name my penis trust.

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad puts a deer in the oven for dinner but doesn’t tell his children what they’re having...

Kids: Dad what are we having for dinner?

Dad: It’s what your mom calls me...


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My gf just put plantains in her vagina

I think she's fucking bananas

I put a weight on a dock,

Now that’s what I call pier pressure.

Dad can you put the cat out?

I didn't know it was on fire.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg...

You could hear them say:


What do you get when you put a lift kit on a supra


I’ll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a dumb ant that can put out a fire?

A Fire-retard-ant

What do you call a man who loves to put numbers together?


How does a penguin put its house together?

Igloos it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

It’s amazing what Muslims put themselves through, just so they can get 72 virgins in heaven.

It would be a lot easier if they just became Catholic priests.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy walks into a bar, takes a seat and puts a bag onto the bar

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and then a little seat. Then this little guy comes out of the bag takes a bow, has a sits down and start playing the piano. A man with a hat sitting next to the man with the bag exclaims, "That's amazing! How did you get this little guy?"


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always put Viagra in my morning coffee

So I can work extra hard on the job

After Harriat Tudman's face gets put on the $20 bill, it will not be valued as much...

...due to inflation you racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

OC (I wrote this) So there's an old man in a nursing home struggling to put on his shoes..

Hey I wrote a joke today I thought you might enjoy:
So there's an old man in the Nursing home named Henderson, he was getting on in his years and required a nurse to help him with his day to day as we all will hopefully. But today he had a brand new nurse. She helped him with all of the normal th...

As soon as they put me in that hospital gown...

I knew my end was in sight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put laxatives in my bosses coffee

He's going to shit himself when he finds out.

I intended to put all my money in to electric stairs...

but the costs kept escalating

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

As we all stood over my grandmother's coffin, my father lifted her head and put a pillow underneath.

"It was...her favourite pillow," wept my mother suddenly.

"That offers her little comfort now," I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put a chameleon on a red dildo!

He blushed.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

Ok But I don't think they will fit me.

Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

I put my vape on a necklace


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is arrested and put in a cell with an enormous hardened criminal...

On the first night the criminal says to man:

**"Boy, we gonna play Mama's and Papa's, you wanna be Mama or Papa?"**

"Eh, I'd rather not play"


"Ok, I'll be the Papa"

**"Arite, come over here and suck Mama's cock!"**

I’m going to make a bumper sticker and put “Honk if you think I’m pretty”

And then I’m going to start stopping at green lights so I can feel good about myself.

I was at the gym the other day and saw a hole in my trainer big enough to put a finger in...

...Anyway she made a formal complaint and I’m banned for life!

My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!

What does a programmer say when he puts on his new glasses?

"Wow, now I really do C#"

I've put all my money in see-saw stocks.

To be honest they've had their ups and downs.

What do you get when you put Scrabble letters in a leaf blower?

The Welsh Language

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

I had to put down my best friend today...

He was really getting full of himself, but I don't think this friendship will survive it.

What do you put in a bucket to make it lighter?

A torch.

How did Santa put out a fire?

He used the ho ho hos.

I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together

It was the most de-grating job I've ever had.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.


IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.