This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

​

I can't read a fucking word now.

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men?* ...

I put root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

What do you call it when you put a baby in a freezer?

**Chilled abuse**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear...

...you can hear the OSHA

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

What do you put on a dead fruits gravestone?

R.I.P.E

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The recipe said, "put the stew in at 180 degrees", so I did…

Now it's all over the bottom of the fucking oven…

I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s a Ford Focus

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

Which store do the Kardashians put most of their time and energy into?

Photoshop

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?

So when they dock, they can scandinavian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

A scientist decides to conduct an experiment on the anatomy of arachnids, so he takes a spider and puts it on his table.

“Walk!”, he yells, and the spider starts skittering away. The scientist writes the results down: “when a normal spider is told to walk, it walks.”

He then takes the spider and plucks one of its legs out. He then sets it on the table and yells the same thing,“walk!”

The spider starts wa...

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I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

Did you know that if you put 10,000 monkeys in a room with 10,000 typewriters then....

...... you're a rich, eccentric weirdo who should be prosecuted for animal cruelty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the man put chickpeas down his pants?

He was hummusexual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad.

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

​

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."


The...

What do astronauts put on their sandwiches?

Launch meat

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”


When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds....

I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little l...

I'm old enough to remember when we put the mentally ill in hospitals.

Not the White House.

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

Steve Irwin put on sunscreen.

Too bad it didn’t protect him from harmful rays.

My dad always put his hands on my shoulders to comfort me

But it didn't really work when I lost my virginity.

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A guy walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the counter...

The woman behind the counter says ‘this is a clock shop not a cock shop’

The guy looks and her and says ‘well why don’t you put a face and two hands on it’

So I put my finger in liquid nitrogen today..

And I am glad to inform you it's still more than 0K.

I just had to put my dog down. I never want to do that again.

I'm going to work on my upper body strength.

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

What would happen if we took all possible school shooters and put them in one school?

Literally Fortnite

A church puts an ad in the newspaper for a person to ring the bell in the belfry on Sunday mornings.

No one applies for the position except for a young man with no arms.

The church administrator isn’t sure he can handle the job, but the man climbs the tower and rings the bell using just his head. On his first Sunday on the job, the man gets a little too excited and hits the bell a little to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her...

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

A man said he was going to go out by hooking a hose to an exhaust and put it in his car while sealed in his garage.

Saw him the next day looking defeated, he said he forgot he owned a hybrid

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't go to Vietnam and lose a leg to put up with this shit....

But you have both your legs???

LIKE I SAID!

I DID not go to Vietnam and lose a leg!

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

What dressing does Luke Skywalker put on a porg before eating it?

Skywalker Ranch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I cannot understanf why Marvel haven't put advertisements on the Hulk...

... He is essentially a giant banner

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

Knowledge is knowing than a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing you shouldn’t put it a fruit salad.....

humor is doing it anyway.

Why did the pimp put his hoe in charge of his money?

It’s the thot that counts.

My wife's favorite phrases are "walk it off" and "put some ice on it" whenever our kids fall down.

Or I get an erection.

Who put all these mountains in California?

It wasn’t me, it was all San Andreas’ fault!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

Whilst working out earlier I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in

But apparently she doesnt like that, and now I'm banned from my gym.

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth

My barber told me to put a ball in my mouth so he could a get a closer shave on my cheek.
I asked him "what happens if I accidentally swallow the ball?"
He replied " you can bring it back tomorrow just like everybody else who does "

What sauce do hobbits put on everything?

Worst-in-the-shire sauce

I recently watched a documentary about how ships are put together

It was riveting

A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

What's a neckbeard's favorite thing to put on toast?

Marm'lady

A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.

Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.

No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.

He is kind of confused b...

What happens when you put a globe in a microwave?

Global warming.

Why does it cost $2.00 to put air in my tires?

Inflation.

Where does Frozone put his laundry?

Down his super chute.

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

Me: I've always put my blood, sweat & tears into my work!

Them: That's why you're being sacked. You are a Chef. You can't put all that in food and serve it to customers.

I put my grades up for adoption

Because I couldn’t raise them.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

What do you get if you put a duck in a blender?

A quackamole

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad always said "don't put your dick in crazy"

"because that's fucking insane"

How manny adhd kids does it take to put in a light bulb?

I dunno wanna ride bikes?

Told the whole family I was gonna put the dog down, we've had him 10 years.

I then proceeded to let him down to the ground and he just walked away.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids’ present in the piñata

The dog might get hit

Dont put your legs on the table

A teacher told Yossi "Dont put your legs on the table!"
Yossi answered "But I also put my legs on the table at home"
The teacher answers, "really? And what does your mother tell you about it?"
Yossi: "she says 'don't put your legs on the table, your are not at school'"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I heard R. Kelly couldn’t even put up $100k for bail.

He’s been pissing away all his money, apparently.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"

said Anatoly, aged 6.

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Why do they put fences around a cemetery?

Because people are dying to get in there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Unscrew the light bulb and I will let you put it into my mouth

A young couple takes an elevator ride with an elderly lady. The horny girl tells her boyfriend, 'If you unscrew the light bulb I will let you put it into my mouth'. The guy smirks and they get off on their floor.

The elderly lady relates the encounter to one of her friends saying:

'You...

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

Sometimes when I feel really lonely, I put a blade to my neck.

The ladies like a clean shaven guy.

If you put reddit's theme to "Night",

r/darkjokes will look empty

What do you call someone who puts milk before cereal?

A cereal killer

A man puts a condom on inside out.....

He went.

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

I turned 18 today, so I bought myself a locket and put my picture in it. I guess I really am

Independent

What is it called when you put a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks!

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.

a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

Today i put down my favorite dog...

He was getting to fat to carry