Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Before my surgery, my doctor offered to put me under with gas, or just knock me out with a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?

Quick answers please.

You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you could say you are..

Independent

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.

Woman: What’s this?

Man: It’s a lime.

Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?

The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.

Woman: Is everything ok?

Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

I don't always put an orange wedge in my beer

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

How many owls does it take to put a light bulb in a socket

Don't be ridiculous, as if owls could do such a thing.

What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

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What does Popeye put on his dick to have sex?

Olive Oyle..!!

I don't want to sound like I'm showing off or something, but people put bricks through my windows...

...just so they can hear me practicing my saxophone louder.

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled

“There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in

What does a pimp use to put out fires?

Hose.

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Marvel should put advertisement on the hulk.

He's basically just a giant banner.

I put root beer in a square glass

Now I just have beer

Robber: Your insecurities, put them in the bag

Cashier: Please, it's all I have left

What do lawyers like to put in their drinks?

Just ice

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

If they ever put me on life support, please pull the plug.

Then push it back in and see if that works.

What do Mexicans put beneath their carpets?

Underlay, underlay.

Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?

Colleague: Affogato

Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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what do you get when you put your dick in a sandwich maker?

a paninis

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?

She didn’t want to get hearing AIDS!

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

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Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"...

A scientist put a flux capacitor in his bicep...

I told him, “Weird flux, but okay.”

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

What do you get when you get 10 cars and a ton of sugar and you put it in a blender?

You get a load of traffic jam

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

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As we made love she said "Ill let you put it in my ass but you have to turn the light off first"

I really should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

What happens when you put Nutella on salmon?

You get *salmonella*

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My mom said she wouldn’t even put me in an animation movie

Because i’d be rendered useless

What do you get when a guy puts his D in the middle of a banana?

A bandana

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

Patient : The composite you put in my teeth were too soft. I need something harder

Dentist : Im sorry I cant do that

Patient : What? Why not?

Dentist : I just cant. No hard fillings.

They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket....but who are “they”?

Basket makers looking to sell more units.

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

How did the Polish mother teach her son to put on his underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

what do you get when you put a number 1 into a calculator and then add a number 2?

a mess

If you have a friend that can’t put sunscreen on their back and is self conscious about it,

Don’t rub it in

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I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.

My self confidence is skyrocketing!

A *TON* of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now....

What happens when you put a cow in an elevator?

You're raising the stake.

If you've spent ages figuring out how to put herbs and spices on your belt loop...

...you've waisted thyme.

What do you get when you put a hooker and two nuns on a football field?

2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

whenever I get the muchies I always put my pants in the oven

nothin like a couple of Hot Pockets to tide you over

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To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

If you ask me, they don't have the balls to pull that through.

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Doctor, before you put me under -

does anyone need anything while I’m out?

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their boats?

So they can Scan-der-navian

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

So I asked my roommate to put in an order for a dishwasher but I spelled it as "dishwatcher"

Now there's a man in my kitchen watching me wash dishes by hand

What does Marvin the Martian put on his toast?

Space Jam

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Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

What's does a Mexican put under his carpet?

Underlay! Underlay! Underlay!

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

A clown puts on their trademark oversized footwear...

Hilarity ensues.

I wanna put the "D" in...

Djibouti

A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage.

“That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What do you get if u put A Toyota in reverse?

atoyoT A

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

My sister is going put her grades up for adoption.

When I questioned her about it, she said, "Well, I can't raise them myself."

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So there was a women who put out an ad for a husband...

...the ad specified that he must be handsome, not beat her, not walk all over her, and have a big penis. The next day she heard her doorbell ring, there was a man with no legs and no arms. The women asked, "can i help you?" the man says, " im here from the ad."
"I have standards you know." the w...

I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!

Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear...

...you can hear the OSHA

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

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Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Why do you put candles on top of a birthday cake?

Because it's too hard to put them at the bottom.

My Girlfriend wants to put on her makeup.

Me: You don't need makeup.

GF: Aww thanks

Me: You need plastic surgery

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TIFU: I put my fingerprint on a hated coworkers eyeglasses

TIFU: I put a fingerprint on the eyeglasses of our office asshole. His brother is a cop and I overheard that he is going to run the print. So I innocently struck up a conversation and told him I moved his glasses while looking for my pen. "My brother will run it anyways" he said smugly. "You should ...

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I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

Why’d the momma pepper put a jacket on her baby?

Because he was a little chili

My friend always asks me "Why do you put your laptop on top of a cooling rack when you're using it?"

I told him "Because this site uses cookies."

One day we'll be able to put our thoughts from our brain into our phones.

Let that sync in.

I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta

Now it’s a Ford Focus

Don't put your wooden shoes in the toilet

It clogs

What did the man say to the Queen after she told him he was to be put to death by guillotine?

“So no head?”

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Your penis is so small...

that when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

At first I was depressed when they put me in prison for life behind a metre-high wall

But I soon got over it

What did the golden retriever say when his owner put him up for adoption?

Big Woof

So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"

He said "right there next too mine."

Gotta say I had my doubts.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

Which store do the Kardashians put most of their time and energy into?

Photoshop

I’ve decided to put an end to my addiction to deli meats.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

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