UPJOKE
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Put Jokes

Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing t...

I decided to put together a support group for erectile dysfunction

It was a big flop and nobody came.

How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

Put the punchline in the title.

How do you ruin a joke?

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on their battleships?

So they can Scandinavian

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dadd...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

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My wife suggested we watch some porn to spice things up. I put on “Crazy Anal Chicks vol. 4”

But it was just a bunch of women yelling at me to do the dishes, put my shoes on the entranceway mat, and hang the towels on the rack

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his soup?

One more would have made it two farty.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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I put the sexy in dyslexic

Oh wait

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

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My wife told me that every time we have sex, we put five dollars in jar for a future vacation.

We’re Still here…

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard (NSFW)

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says...

When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A guy walking past sees the sign and thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100, so he goes into the clinic.

Guy: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mout...

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel?

Beat it, we're closed

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

What does Pacman put on his Tacos?

Guacawaccawaccamole

I put root beer into a square cup.

All I have now is beer.

What does Batman put in his beverages?

Just ice.

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies...

Just for shits and giggles!

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

To who ever put the "L" in Noel

Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?

I went out to buy a Christmas tree and the guy asked me "Are you gonna put it up yourself?"

I said "No. I was thinking the living room."

My dad said that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be put in a record player.

It’s his vinyl request

You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He said "thanks". I said "don't mention it".

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

My girlfriend found my stash of money I keep in an old boardgame and is insisting I put the money in the bank...

Better safe than Sorry I guess.

I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

Sam said to Fred, “I put £20 on a horse last week, and he came in at twenty-five to one.”

“Wow! you must be loaded,” said Fred. “Not really,” said George. “The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty.”

Did you hear the put a bounty on Schrödinger’s cat?

He’s wanted dead and alive.

My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

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Ever put a baguette up your butt?

It's *un pain* in the ass

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad...

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and t...

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box o...

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?

Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

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A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."

They put Chuck Norris in Schroedinger's box, and when they opened it...

...he was STILL both dead and alive.

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Why did the man put Parmesan on his spaghetti?

For the grater good!

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I love putting books in alphabetical order

Bkoos

Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!!

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car.

Where’s he going, pump 4?

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

Cake Day Facts- why do we traditionally put candles on a cake?

Because it would be too hard to light them if they were under the cake.

Steve Irwin would still be alive today if he put on sunscreen

It protects you from harmful rays

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

I bought a brand new car and put a cow in it

Yes I beefed it up.

"I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man.

The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

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My marketing guru said to put myself in my customers' shoes.

My customer said what the fuck are you doing to my shoes.

What does Emma Watson put on her sandwiches?

Her mionnnaise

I'll see myself out!

Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.

Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

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Seriously though, why can't you put the punchline in the title?

What do you say to piss off a redditor?

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I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk

He's essentially a giant banner

Why did the chef philosopher always put mushrooms in every dish that he made?

He claimed it was a morel imperative.

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.

My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”

What does a pervert donkey put in his Tinder profile?

I eat ass

I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher

I also told him she wants him to clean his room

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry.

They loved that cat.

Where do you put toxic celebrities that just can't cut it anymore?

Haz-bins.

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