A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

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Put some dirty limericks down in comments section.

There once was a woman from Que
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too"

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

What do cars put on their toast?

Traffic jam.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties.

I think it's a fence sieve.

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

\-You have to open the door first.


....I know its lame

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

What happens if you put a condom on inside out?

You rubber the wrong way.

"Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder.

And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

Why did Santa put his sleigh in reverse in mid-air?

He wanted to back up to the cloud!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

One day, the first ever nun put on a silly hat.

She put it on the next day, too.
And the next.
And the next.
It became a habit

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

The recipe said to put my cake in the oven at 180 degrees.

I did, and it fell out.

I could’ve been in the NBA but God put ten inches in the wrong place.

My feet are way too big

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

Anything's funny when you put an old man in it

Except for the ground

A wife says to her husband “put ketchup on the shopping list”. He reluctantly agrees.

“I can’t read it anymore” he replies

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

Biden has been trying to put together is new cabinet for weeks.

After not having much success, he finally called up IKEA for help.

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

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What do you call it when someone puts a baguette in their anus?

A pain in the arse.

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!

The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.

A doctor puts up a sign in front of his hospital.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get $20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you $100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to shine, so goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”
The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33.
“Wait a second,” the lawy...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I put way too much cheese in my omelet this morning...

I needed to take a brie-ther afterwards.

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where do Alabamans put their butter?

in-bread

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

The walnut tree (idk what to put for title lol)

One day, Johnny and his friend Bobby walked into the cemetery. There were a lot of fallen walnuts from the walnut tree that they wanted to share. They started splitting them and Johnny said "One for you, one for me! One for you, one for me!"

At this time, a little boy was biking along the roa...

They put honest Abe on the penny

because hes in a cent.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

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Why do we put cocks on weather vanes?

Because if you used a cunt, the wind would blow right through it!

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

I went to the dentist to put all caps on my teeth...

...now I can't help but shout every time I talk.

I put my dog on a vegan diet

He’s eaten 3 already

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping-pong and died, what would they put on his coffin?

A lid.

I wanted to put a measure on the ballot that would release all English instructors from prison, but apparently...

**you can't end sentences with a proposition.**

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

What do you get when u put a vest on an alligator?

An Investigator!

They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy.

So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?

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What happens when you put Donald Trump and a female sex crazed donkey in the same room?

Nothing. Even donkeys have standards.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

What do you HAVE to put on your hot dogs?

Must-ard!



My 7-year-old hit us with that one and seems to be an original.

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

People who don't understand the difference between...

People who don't understand the difference between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can't put into words.

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

Someone put dish soap on the ceiling today.

I didn't know until it dawned upon me.

What not to put in one's mouth

One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.”

The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”

Little Johnny answers, “I don't know, but my m...

My dad was teaching me to put up a shelf...

So I turned 16, and my dad said “son, you need to know how to put up a shelf if you’re going to be a man.”

I couldn’t be bothered, but reluctantly agreed.

I put the bracket in the wall fine, but each time I put the shelf on, it slid off one end.

My dad kept trying to encourage ...

Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries?

Because the prose outweigh the cons.

What did the duck say when putting on lipstick?

Put it on my bill

I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies

Yup, he’s my screen-savior

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you put a pokemon in your vagina?

A sore vulva. Vulva-sore

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

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A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

My parents always told me to put borrowed things back to its place.

So whenever I eat at a restaurant, I always put my used toothpick to where I got it.

What do you get if you put a German in a walk in freezer?

Cold Hans

What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?

Paramedic

I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

What do you put on a bacon grease burn?

Oinkment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After seeing Machine Gun Kelly’s success switching genres, Korn has decided to put out a new experimental album

It will be called PopKorn

Guys talk to each other by putting each other down, but they don’t really mean it.

Girls talk to each other by putting each other up... but they don’t really mean that either.

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

I saw a movie about how ships are put together!

It was riveting.

2020 so far has put up a good fight

but luckily for us 2021.

Do you know what happens when you put a toaster in the bath?

The answer will shock you

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

I used to put college on job applications but I had to stop...

Turns out during job interviews, no one is impressed that you pledged ligma sugma boffa.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

“Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

What do you call it when a man puts off shaving his testices

Beating around the bush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruh— FUCK ratatouille. I put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store.

The cops do NOT believe me.

I put a slice of bread in the oven and forgot to set the timer.

As soon as I could smell it burning I knew it was toast.

If you can put a end to this 'gif' pronunciation debate...

I'll give you a gift of gin.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

Sometimes I put my head in between my both my legs and lean forward...

...because that's how I roll

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you.

That my friend is the life of a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

What do you call it when you put out pumpkins too early and they die before Halloween?

Premature E-Jack-O-Lantern

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

My dad put blood, sweat and tears into every endeavor,

probably explains why his restaurant failed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

Patient said to the Anesthesia "Can i put myself to sleep?"

Anesthesia "I don't see why not, knock yourself out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

What does Pac-Man put on his tacos

Guacauacauacauacauacauacamole

I hate putting holes in and flattening wood

It's so plane and boring.

What do you get when you put M and Ms on vanilla ice cream?

Ice ice Shady

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

A friend told me to put manure in my strawberries

I tried it. To heck with that. I'm going back to whipped cream.

What do you get when you put clickbait into a video game company?

EA

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

Just put an electric fence around my garden..

My neighbor is dead against it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

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