This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Rob pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Rob said "today is my birthday, i'm feeling LUCKY and I guess 8".

The owner said, “You were very close, the lucky numb...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it

I am now independent

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."

"My name is not Dave," I replied.

"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

Why does the Norwegians put sugar on their pillow?

To have sweet dreams!

Little Jimmy puts his hand up in class: "Miss! Miss! I have to go to the toilet, quick!" The teacher replies: "Not until you say the alphabet."

So Little Jimmy recites: "ABCDEFGJKLMNOPQRUVWXYZ"

The teacher raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me," she says, "but where's the S, H, I and T?"

Little Jimmy just sighs. "...In my pants..."

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put the 'sexy'...

In dyslexia

A mushroom walks into a bar, puts down a $5 bill, says "Gimme a drink!"

Bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve your kind!"
Mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress

I can't wait to push her down the stairs

Did you guys hear about the lady who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?

She asked for a refund, but they won't give her silverback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

What sign does the brothel put up in its off hours?

Beat it, were closed.

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was thinking the other day, why don't they just put advertisements on the Hulk?

Essentially hes just a giant Banner.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

So I put my dog on a vegan diet

Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

If you put clay in the toilet...

...does that make it an Adobe Flush?

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

What do women put in their ears to look attractive?

**Knees**

Why did the baker put pickles in his bread?

He overheard his wife talking about wanting to experience a dill-dough

When I put my shoes on earlier I suddenly felt very ill and drowsy and the room started spinning

I think they might have been laced with something

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

I just finished putting a new puzzle together and it only took me 3 days.

The box said 5-6 years.

On day four of Creation, God was busy putting up all the celestial bodies.

He made the fertile Earth, and its moon, and went around conjuring up all the different planets of the solar system. He made Saturn and looked upon it. As he examined it, he was taken aback. He realized that it was very, very good.

He decided he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you put exlax in the toaster?

Pooptarts!

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

What do the Aztecs put on their Sandwiches?

Mayannaise

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like y...

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in bean soup?

A: Cuz one more will make it "too farty!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put some laxatives in the spacecake

For shits and giggles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife has put us on a low carb diet....

But it isn't all bad, Friday's is cheat day. So last week I fucked her sister.

Just had the vaccine but she put it in my leg

Pfizer killing now

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Batman put in his cocktail?

Just ice

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,

"Why is that Angus?"

Son: C’mon Dad, put you turn signal on before you change lanes.

Dad: FLICKer? I hardly know her!

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

I put all my copies of Chiropractors Weekly on eBay

I have loads of back issues.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

If you put sugar in tea ..

what do you put in sugar ?





A spoon.


Note: not sure if its a repost , heard it from a friend who loves jokes of this sort.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

What do you get when you put an 8-year old in the fridge?

A chilled!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?

Suicide.


What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?


Suicide.

The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging.

I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

What kind of sign do you put on a broken skunk?

Out of odour

Don't forget tonight, just before midnight, to lift your left foot, and don't put it back down until after the clock strikes midnight...

So you can start 2021 on the right foot!

I put my pants on the same way as everybody else

Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.

They put hydraulics under the stands for the town hall Q&A

It's raising a lot of questions

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

Have you ever thought of putting money into textiles?

I'm a broker at the local clothing bank. I'm mostly a sock broker, but I handle all kinds of vestments. We do a lot of short sales.
(Please be kind, it's my first post!)

I called gamestop custsomer service regarding their stocks and was put through after a 30mins wait..

And guess what? They told me to hold.

Milk did it, but Tropicana wouldn't put missing children posters on their bottles.

They said nobody wanted to hear that OJ is looking for kids.

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I put my dick in a vagina.

That's an inside joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many virgins does it take to put in a lightbulb

An infinite amount because none of them can screw

Chic and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are plotting to destroy the world, and so former arch-enemies the Village People and the Beastie Boys put aside their differences to stop them

The slaughter is brutal and extremely exciting to watch, but finally, it ends in a showdown: Nile Rogers and Grandmaster Flash, laughing as they square up to the last surviving Beastie Boy and the last surviving Village Person.

He straightens his hard hat, draws his sword and charges at Nile ...

I heard the government was putting chips in people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion.

Why did the hipster put off their surgery?

The anesthesia wasn’t local.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms

I guess Toucan play that game

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

Why did the watchmaker put the watch in the microwave?

Because the time had frozen.

Why did the watchmaker punch the watch?

Because someone said it needed a battery.

Never made up a joke before.

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

I made a curry last night and put ginger in it, kids weren't happy

They loved that cat

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

My friend asked me to help him put his fence back up after a windstorm.

I told him no, because i don't condone reposting.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you put chocolate syrup on before giving a blowjob??

Coconuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

What happens if you put a condom on inside out?

You rubber the wrong way.

"Relax, the prostate exam will go easier that way" said the doctor as he put a firm hand on my shoulder.

And then he put his other hand on my other shoulder.

What do cars put on their toast?

Traffic jam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me.

Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

“This takes me back.”

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

A doctor puts up a sign in front of his hospital.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get $20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you $100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to shine, so goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”
The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33.
“Wait a second,” the lawy...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

Anything's funny when you put an old man in it

Except for the ground

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon.

Just for the festive period.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

My neighbour has put up a fine mesh barrier between our properties.

I think it's a fence sieve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put the sex...

...in "dyslexic".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.