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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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My favourite sex position is called “WOW”

It’s where I flip your MOM over

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



"We must know that you will follow your instructions no mat...

How to get a position in the Trump Administration

Trump: How much is 2 + 2?

You: How much do you want it to be?

Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!

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She asked me, "Father, what is the church's position on fellatio?"

It reminded me of the first time I was asked that question. It was a lady who had just wedded.

I told her then, "I wish I can tell you, but I don't know what fellatio is." So then she showed me.

Now whenever anyone asks me that question, I tell them... "I wish I can tell you, but I do...

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

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It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

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Which sex position is explicitly banned in the South?

Reverse Cowgirl.

Can't turn your back on family.

Job ad: Position of a psychic at large international corporation open ($1M/annually)

Submit your application and cover letter you know where. The deadline is you know when.

My local neighbourhood committee leader lost his position recently

Needless to say he was dis-appointed

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

What's god's favourite position?

Reverse dog style.

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I was just wondering how different professions have given us words and phrases that mean sex, sexual positions or related to sex

Carpenter or other handy man - screw, bang, pound, nail, lay, grease, hose, pile, hammer, pipe

Sportsmen - score, hit, home run, game, ball, balls deep, knock it out

zookeeper or animal lover - hump, bone, beast, doggy style, monkey love, ram, raw dog

singers and other musical -...

I dont know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position

Everyone at the cremetory freaked out.

Man, they ruined a good sleep

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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[NSFW] The Only Positions Melania Trump Likes are Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl.

That's because all her husband knows how to do is fuck up.

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I'm creating a petition based on the position of peoples belly buttons, so...

Are you in or out?

My friend who is an arborist just got promoted to a new position!

Branch manager...

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She won't admit it, but I'm sure my wife's favorite sex position is "trick-dog style."

It's where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.

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What’s a politician’s favourite sex position?

Depends on how much you’re paying them.

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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.


One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."


"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"


"Well, it's where you get your wife down on a...

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

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My favourite sex position is the JFK

Splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car

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My favourite sexual position is the 68...

...this is when she goes down on me and I owe her one.

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Sexual position of the day

The brexit - What? You thought it'd be done by now?

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Boss told me the intern position was unpaid so I left...

The pay just didnt make cents

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

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Cerberus and hydra dont agree on the best sex positions...

However, what they both have in common is lots of head.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

What rugby position does Stevie Wonder play?

Blindside flanker.

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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

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The change of position over time is velocity

The change of velocity over time is acceleration.
The change of acceleration over time is a jerk.
The change of a jerk over time is an election.

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

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Ladies Playing Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rus...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

I was fired from my position in the birth ward at the hospital, but I thought I was doing a great job

Everybody kept saying I was killing it whenever I wrapped the umbilical cord around the baby’s neck to pull it out more easily

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.


But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9...

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An 100 year old man brings home a prostitute from a local bar.

The lady begins to undress and perform a headstand in the corner.
The man asked, what are you doing? One of those fancy Carmen sutures positions.
She said no. I figured you can't get it up so go ahead and drop it down in.

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he fal...

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What do you call sex in and unoriginal position?

Banal Sex

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