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The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what t...

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Have you guys heard of this new sex position?

You say you're gonna pull out but then you don't.

It's called the brit.

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What position would Hitler play in Hockey?

Reich Wing

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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The change of position over time is velocity

The change of velocity over time is acceleration.
The change of acceleration over time is a jerk.
The change of a jerk over time is an election.

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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.


One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."


"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"


"Well, it's where you get your wife down on a...

What is your favourite position?

Behind someone with clear handwriting in the exam hall.

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

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Who was the knight appointed a trusted advisor for sexual positions in King Arthur's court?

Circumstance.

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

Cats are really flexible. They can fit just about anywhere and go into any position, it seems.

If you had that flexibility, what’s the second thing you’d do?

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

My favorite position has always been doggystyle.

Now I just have to train the dog to stop barking.

What’s a guys favorite sleeping position?

Around

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My favourite sex position is the 68

That´s where you do me, and I´ll owe you one.

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What do you call it when an employee has sex with their boss to get a better position?

An interncourse.

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Have you heard of the new FedEx sex position?

You wait for ages and nothing comes.

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I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

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TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.

It just ain't right turning your back on family.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

He proposed marriage, because she promised she will make him try different positions

Now he is a husband, a driver, a cook, a gardener and a plumber.

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

Told my girlfriend i wanted to try sleeping in the fetal position.

after a few minutes she said what are you doing you can't fit all the way in there..

A salesman position

(English is not my mother language so ignore any grammatical mistakes) :)

A guy is interviewed for a salesman position, the interviewer asks the guy to take his laptop saying "let's see if you can convince me to buy this laptop, I want you to walk in again thinking of me as a customer."...

What does a pulley like the best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

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** Two mathmeticians deciding about sex positions **

"Wanna be numerator or denominator?"

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I found my new favorite sexual position.

It's called The JFK. It's when you explode all over a woman while she is screaming and trying to open the car door.

You can do it in a hotel room, as well, but then you call it The Louis C.K.

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

A navy captain is alerted that a pirate ship is coming towards his position

He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The sailor asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ...

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What’s Your Favorite Sex Position?

My favorite position is the JFK. I explode all over her as she screams and tries to get out.

What position does a pig play in football?

Loinbacker

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My wive’s favorite sex position is the missionary

That’s when she’s laying down on her back, legs spread open & I’m in Africa.

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So which sexual position produces the ugliest baby?

I don’t know! Go ask your fucking mother!

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An asthmatic flea gets assigned a new job position

They assign her to work on Jack's moustache.

She goes to work one day, then the next, but after a while she can't take it anymore and goes to complain to her boss.

"You know," - she says. - "I love the job and all, but I have asthma and Jack is a smoker, so I can't work there anymore."...

New position

I was watching tv when my wife called out to me from the kitchen and asked if I might want to try a new position. I yelled back "hell yeah"!

So she replied "Fantastic , so you come stand at this sink, and i will lay on the couch"

You can tell a woman likes you by the position of her ankles

..if her ankles are behind her ears, then she really likes you!

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

I signed up for a soccer team and they asked me my favorite position.

I told them missionary style but lately I've had a hard time scoring.

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What's Ronald McDonald's favorite sex position?

The Cooter Pounder.

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How much does it cost to have sex with a male deer in the missionary position?

Under a buck

A man and his clothing store

A long time ago there was a man who sold secondhand women's clothing at a small shop on the main road of a small town.
Now, this man, Theodore, had one joy in life: Arranging the mannequins in a way that made each garment look it's best, and placing them in the front window.
As he had gotten ...

Next time you are with your girl try this new position.

It's called the bucking bronco. It's where you go doggy style then lean over and whisper another girls name in her ear and see how long you can stay on...

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My favorite sex position is call the wow....

Its where you and 39 other buddies get together and send everything you got at one poor person for 2 hours

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I asked a friend of mine how often he changes positions during sex...

...he replied “zero, if anything changing positions gives them a chance to escape!”

AN UGLY POSITION

Q: What's the position to make ugly babies?

A: Idk, ask your parents.

Worker- Can I get a raise? Boss- Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment.

Worker- I don't get it !

Boss- That's right.

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What sex position makes the ugliest babies?

Your mom didn't warn you?

So why do you think you qualify for this interrogation position?

Me: I posses expert knowledge on this topic that allows me to always discover the truth.

Interviewer: And what is that knowledge?

Me: Look at the hips

Interviewer: Why would that help?

Me: Hips don't lie

"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.

I said, "It's the spider."


She said, "I don't know it."


"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

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In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.

You had to call Shogun.

A guy applies for a position as a lumberjack

The interviewer asks him, “So where did you work previously?”

He answers, “The Saharan Forest.”

“Saharan Forest? Don’t you mean the Saharan Desert?”

“Yes, I suppose that’s what they’d call it now.”

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My wife and I tried this amazing new sex position today

It’s called “me alone in the bathroom with my phone”

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My favorite sex position.

So me and my girl were talking about previous lovers and what our favorite sex position was in our last relationship as well as our ex's favorite. So she went first and said that her ex-boyfriend's favorite position was doggy-style because he could grab her by her hips and really get in deep. She sa...

Position matters most

Three pregnant women are at a clinic having a chat about their future children.

The redhead says "i was on top so I'm having a girl!"

The brunette replies with "I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy"

The blonde hears this and begins to think about things then suddenly...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

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Steps for the Rodeo position on bed:

1-Start on top

2-Tell your girlfriend/wife something in the lines of ''I fucked with your sister/best friend'' or ''It was better with your sister/best friend''

3-Hold on as long as you can.

Have fun =)

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What's a Star Wars fan's favorite sex position?

Hand Solo

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

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I stormed into the boss's office and demanded to know why I had been overlooked for the position of Head of Accounting...

He shot back, "Because you're the fucking janitor, Gary."

My son finally landed a position as a software engineer. He proudly told me that his new job title will be “Java Developer.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that means he’ll be making the coffee.

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Why'd the prostitute get turned down for the office position she applied for?

Cuz she sucked at her last job.

I had an interview for a position as a car salesman.

The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, “Here, sell this to me.”
I took the laptop and stuck it in my bag and left. Three hours later he called and asked for his laptop back. I said, “You want to buy it back?”

Husband (feeling frisky): How about we change positions tonight?

Wife: OK, you stand here and do the dishes and I'll sit on the couch and fart.

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My wife said if I didn’t stop talking about work she’d leave me. She got sexy and asked my favorite position to help.

I guess “ceo” was the wrong answer. She’s leaving me.

A plastic surgeon applies for a programming position

Because he heard they needed back end development.

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Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

A man calls the White House and says he wants to apply for the President's position.

"Are you an idiot", the White House staff says.

"Oh sorry Im not. Is that a criteria?", he replies.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

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I got fired from my last job for arranging the vegetables into sexual position

Apparently that's "misconduct" for a special needs teacher.

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If my life was a sex position it would be reverse cowgirl

Because noone will look me in the eye and I'm not in control

Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 yea...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

A curious son notices a change in the U.S flag’s position and decides to ask his mom

Son: Mom, why is the flag at the top of the pole today?

Mom: Because there hasn’t been a mass shooting all week Billy.

I regret getting a manager position at soda factory...

It's so-da-grading.

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The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?


Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytim...

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What is a monitor's best sex position?

16:9

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I think I watch to much porn. My wife said what position do you want to try?

My answer was POV.

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

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(My piss poor attempt at political humor): What do you call a bunch of British politicians about to have a meal before resigning from their positions?

A full English Brexit

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, a...

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

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