An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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Best part about cumming on my girlfriend’s tits?

There’s 8 of em!

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

Donald Trump's brain has two parts.

The right part and the left part but,

The right part has nothing left.
The left part has nothing right.

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

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The worst part about opposite day is

A girl finally agreed to have sex with me.

I was drinking coffee in the morning while reading about this condemned killer who was executed last night. When I read the part about how all the lights in the execution chamber when out because the electric chair pulled so much power, I had a bitter taste in my mouth.

Must've been a dark roast.

What’s the hardest part of a necrophiliacs job?

The body.

When you die, which part of your body is the last to go?

Your pupils. They dilate.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

[Dark] What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

You have to go inside and ask for a hanger.

What is the hardest part of an orgy?

The awkward drive home with your mom.

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

Whats the worst part of squaring a number?

Nothing! There are no negatives!

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

What was Ghandi’s favorite part of a baseball game?

The seventh inning stretch.

The best part about being quarantined are the handjobs.

The worst part is being alone.

What do I love more than part B?

Par-TAY!!

Sometimes I miss parts of my face when I was young

It's nosetalgia I guess

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

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What's the best part about a blow job?

The peace and quiet.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

What is a Truckers favorite part about the movies?

The trailer

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The hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents you're gay

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

What's the worst part about being a paralyzed comedian?

You can't do stand up.

Why did the legless general lose every battle he was a part of

Because he was already de-feet-ed

What is the worst part about driving a corvette?

Trying to keep your gold chain from getting stuck in your chest hair.

What name has 4 letters and 2 body parts?

Tony

I work part time at a liquor store, and as a super-villain

They call me, *the menace to sobriety*

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable

Fighting off N. Korean security

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is

working up the courage to go through her purse and get it.

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

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Know what the best part of being married is?

You don’t need to use condoms.

Because you don’t have sex.

It's crazy how quickly Covid-19 has become a part of our lives

I guess it's a viral sensation.

A king sends a scout to the northern part of his territory.

The scout returns and rushes to the King to deliver his report.
"Your Grace, the northerners are revolting!"


The King replies, "I do know that they don't take a bath that often, but isn't it a bit too rude to call them that?"

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

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What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

What’s the best part about getting a toy from Bobby Brown?

Battery included

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
...

While working as a prison guard in Prague, part of my job included a lot of walking up and down the prison corridors.

I used to pass a lot of bad Czechs.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

What's the hardest part about being vegan?

Waking up at 5 every morning to milk the almonds.

what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy

the spaghetto

My dad recently informed me I am part of the 1%.

He also told me about how condoms have a 99% success rate.

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What's the worst part about having an average or above average sized penis?

I don't know either but it's good to know im not the only one around here with a tiny penis.

What part of the brain regulates elk-like behaviour?

The hypothalamoose.

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You know what's the worst part about giving a magician a blowjob?

Spitting out all the scarves.

What’s a perverted dentists favourite part of an appointment?

The cavity search

What's the best part about dating a homeless woman?

After the date you can drop them off anywhere.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

What part of a pizza and a woman do you not eat?

The crust

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I tried out for a porno once, but I didn’t get the part...

A lot of stiff competition

Sean Connery is doing his part for COVID, he reorganized his fridge

He’s shelf isolating.

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A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

I threw my girlfriend a bukakke birthday party...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face

What do you call the parts of the Bible without Moses?

Mosn't.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.

It's watching what other people eat.

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Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

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Parts of the body having a debate.

One day all the body parts are gathered together to discuss who amongst them should be the leader.

The brain steps forward and says "I should be the leader for i am the cleverest. I keep everyone organized and find solutions to problems."

Everyone is quite impressed until the heart st...

The annoying part of getting a cold

Have you ever noticed that when you have a cold your nostrils take turns between the working nostril and the blocked one?

It's annoying to have to fight over which one works.

I call this the "cold war."

What’s the best part about being a meth addict?

Only one sleep till’ Christmas.

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I work at a factory that turns organic waste into fence parts.

All I do for eight hours a day is make shit posts.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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What's a math teacher favorite part of the female body?

Quantitties.

One part vodka, one part vermouth, add olives and olive juice then drink alone

Quarantini

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

What's the weakest part of a car?

The nut holding the steering wheel.

If you're hanging out with Satan at a part does that mean

You're having a hell of a time?

Don’t spell part backwards.

It’s a trap!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

The best part of getting a divorce is the food fight at the end

I love me a good old custardy battle

What's the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked me if I fancied taking part in a marathon

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.

I thought, fuck me, I might win this

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd.

Even the Catholic Church is doing its part to combat the coronavirus.

They’re changing one of the commandments to, “thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.”

What's mob assassin's favourite part of cake?

The icing

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

I watched a Liam Neeson action movie that had the unrealistic parts deleted.

It was Taken seriously.

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

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What do you call someone who really enjoys parting ways?

Byesexual

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What’s the warmest part in a dead girls body?

My Penis

What's the worst part about eating vegetables? NSFW

When you're done, you have to put them back in their wheelchair.

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

What part of the army do babies join?

The infantry.

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What's the worst part about having a huge dick?

Stomach acid.

My wife is not totally satisfied with my body...

A small part of me knows why.

Women bikinis show 90% of their skin

But because we don’t objectify women we just look at the covered parts

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

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