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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

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A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tommorow as part of a military excercise..

His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says:
Do not go tommorow!! I saw a terrible dream, your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please dont do it!!!
The soldier was terrified about his mothers dream but he still got into the plane. As the persons where...

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

The best part about Reddit karma is, if you know what you’re doing, it’s

a piece of cake.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

I am so excited about Christmas. The best part is staying up late waiting for Santa to come!

But than there is always that awkward silence as he gets dressed and leaves...

Annoyed at my constant reminders to stop eating her own body parts,

my wife threw up her hands in frustration.

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Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What body parts always lose?

Da' feet.

(I heard this one on the radio on the way to work)

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

Keeping it to yourself...

When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

What's the most important part of an OBGYN joke?

The delivery.

What's the worst part about playing tag with a clown?

When the clown is it.

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Penis is the most loyal part of your body

And when times are hard, it stands up for you

You’re either part of the solution

Or part of the precipitate

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What's the most sensitive part of your body during masturbation?

Your ears.

I keep dreaming that I am made out of car parts.

I am always tired, and wake up exhausted.

That’s my favorite part of the muffin...

Is apparently not the right answer when your wife asks if her pants give her a muffin top

What part of a flower is the brightest?

The light bulb.

What do you call a detective and a part-time electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go...

What's a cannibals favorite part about eating a vegetable?

Afterwards they get to sell the wheelchair.

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

Whats the best part of an asbestos smoothie?

The fiber.

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

There was once a partly deaf man.

He couldn't hear low noises and could only hear loud ones.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Doctor, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can ...

What is the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

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What's the best part about racist, sexist jokes?

Watching one lose the election.

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

Did you hear about the part-time chemist?

He only worked periodically.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

“So, we good then? I don’t gotta turn in my part of the group project?”

—Nevada

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The only bad part about having a huge cock

Is never being able to get in the hen house to collect the eggs.

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

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What’s the best part of having sex on a golf course?

The hole experience.

Giving prostate exams is one of the more awkward parts of being a doctor.

I just hope my patients don't realize im a dentist.

What is the most unrealistic part of Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends.

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

So I’m getting a tumor removed that’s a part of my facial nerve, and they’re going to remove part the of nerve with it. I’m trying to talk my doctor into not doing the surgery

I’m losing my nerve

Which part of the hospital is the best at hide-n-seek?

The ICU

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

What's the best part about arriving late to a suicide party?

There's no punch line.

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

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I’ve just got a part in a porn movie

I’m the guy that goes off to work while his missus waits in for the plumber.

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A man driving through a shady part of town and sees a prostitute...

The man, admittedly horny, decides to negotiate a price to relieve himself of his recent sexual frustration...

"Hey, baby, how much for a good time? Its been a while since I've had sex!"

The prostitute looks him over and says, "Since I like how you look, how's about 100 dollars?"
...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

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What is the worst part about your cake day?

No one gives a fuck.

( It's my cake day )

What is the urologist’s favorite part in basketball?

The dribbles

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Don’t spell part backwards.

It’s a trap.

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

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What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building?

Going down on the elevator

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are part of a Jello cult.

The blonde is first and she gives up her baby in the name of the Jello lord.
"Oh lord, please accept this baby as my offering" and she lets her baby down and whoosh, it vanishes. She runs around in despair of what she has just do...

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

The hardest part about learning the alphabet is the first four letters;

The rest is just E-Z.

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

I take part in the sun tan competition every single year.

Why do I never get better than bronze!

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

What do the “bad parts” of American history and common sense have in common?

They are being wiped from existence.

Do you know the best part about working in a hospital?

It's the one place where you can tell people "I hope to never see you again" and be nice about it.

The best part about Jim Jones jokes

Is that theres always two punchlines

What are Boxers favourite part of a joke?

The Punchline.

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

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What is the hardest part about rollerblading?

Telling your parents that you are gay.

Name the body part that your mom has 2 and a cow has 4.

Legs.

What’s a Crab’s favorite part about pizza?

That Crust taste, Son!

A man goes to the doctor complaining that that every part of his body hurts.

The doctors tells the man to show him where it hurts. The man points to his elbow, and says "ow!", then he points to his legs and exlaims "ow!", and then he points to his stomach and so forth until he has pointed to all parts of his body saying that they all hurt.

The doctor determines that ...

What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

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it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didnt even get the roarin part like in the past

we just went straight to the depression

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What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

So excited! Months after we formally parted ways, my ex-wife and I are getting back together!

Our divorce didn't work out.

What's the worst part about eating a tiny Wookie?

It's a little chewie.

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

What is an Astronaut's favourite part of a computer

The space bar

I bet you can't spell *part* backwards.

I knew you could really. It's just a trap.

what do you call the oldest parts of the internet?

cobwebs

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

What do you call the top part of a dog house?

The woof.

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

The best part about the garden at the psychiatric hospital?

It’s full of nuts.

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16yo with a part time job at McDonald's comes home in a new Porsche Panamera Turbo S.

His mom screams at him, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU BUY THAT PORSCHE, WE KNOW WHAT IT COSTS."

The 16yo says, "I got it from that old lady over there, she gave me it for $1.

His mom, steaming: OMG SHE MIGHT BE A RAPIST AND A CHILD ABUSER! LET'S GO SEE HER!!"

His dad goes to the old lad...

I got my ancestry results back and I'm part Welsh and Hungarian.

I am well hung

How dare the Government infringe on my freedoms by forcing me to wear a bit of cloth covering a part of my body...

Nudists unite!

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

What was the hardest part of my grand fathers death ?

Making it seem like an accident

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