When you die what part of the body dies last?

The pupils because they dilate.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

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What is the most sensitive part on mans body while he is masturbating.

His ears....

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

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What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

China should never take part in the Cricket World Cup

They can screw over any country with just a bat

What is the truck drivers favorite part of the movies?

The trailers

What's the worst part about Ad Blockers?

Suddenly, there's no more hot moms in my area who want to meet up anymore

The best part about working in a morgue

Remains to be seen.

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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What's the hardest part about getting a call from an old sexual partner and them telling you that they have HIV.

Acting surprised.

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a naked woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.

The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.

The engineer walks halfway across the room.

"You fo...

I'm part Spiderman and part Batman

I'm poor and without powers

What is the most unrealistic part of the newest James Bond movie?

A Brit with a full petrol tank.

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

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An Airplane flying over the Amazon Rainforest crashes in a remote part:

Soon, the local tribals reach the crash site and upon seeing the 3 survivors, take them to their King in captivity.

When presented in front of the king, he says "People of the sky! If you want to live you have to do as I say. Each of you have to go out in the jungle and forrage for fruits and...

What’s the best part about being an orphan?

Every bag of chips is family sized

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

Two explorers take a flight to one of the yet unexplored parts of the South American rainforests.

They enter the thicket but quickly get lost. After walking for many hours, without food at water, they finally spot a native inhabitant of one of the forests tribes. They quickly shout and make wild gestures until he notices them. After they slowly approach him, one of the explorers asks: “You nativ...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

Putting her back in the wheelchair

I lost part of my hand in a freak accident that also gave me amnesia

I’m trying to remember what happened, but I can’t put my finger on it

Which body part is the most reliable?

fingers because you can always count on them

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

I’m part of a local community group, and recently people have been asking for leftover moving boxes

Each time I want to say the boxes that hold still are more practical

What is the most important part of an automobile?

The nut that holds the wheel.

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

whats the best part about fingering a gypsy?

you get your palms red for free

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

As part of his inauguration, Biden must prove his physical fitness by running a lap of the White House.

On the starting line, the marshal tells him about all the other presidents to have completed the race before him.

“Obama was truly spectacular! He did his lap in only 15 minutes and 23 seconds! Trump was terrible and it took him well over 20 minutes to complete.”

Scoffing, Biden said “...

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A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.

The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near...

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If the deepest part of the ocean had been discovered by the HMS Balls

Would it be known as Balls Deep?

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

Which part of the hospital do thieves fear the most?

ICU

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A pregnant woman is shot three times in her stomach

She recovers and finds out she is having triplets. A few months later she gives birth to two girls and one boy. She is delighted, but hopes the gunshots won’t affect her children.

Fast forward 13 years and one of her daughters comes to her and says “this morning when I was peeing a bullet...

What's the worst part about history class?

Teachers tend to Babylon

Why are men so polite?

A woman in a bikini reveals like 90% of her body, but men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

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What’s the worst part about being a constipated Lions fan?

Can’t have a shit in Detroit

A nun asks her class, “When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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Three men took part in a turd-eating competition.

The competition is simple: The first guy to eat 100 pieces of turd without throwing up wins.

The first man starts eating. 1, 3, 5, 10... He pukes at 30 pieces and gets eliminated.

The second man starts off strong and eats 2 by 2, but eventually he vomits at around 60 pieces.

Th...

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What’s the hardest part about having sex with a clown?

Cleaning the grease paint off your back

Please tag this nsfw I forgot how to.

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

What's the most unrealistic part of The A-Team (2010)?

The CIA agent actually gets brought to justice

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What do you call a male bee's private parts?

BEEZ NUTS

What do you call the bad part of town in Italian?

A spaghetto

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it

Now I just have a ;

This is the part of the brain where deja vu occurs

& this is the part of the brain where deja vu occurs

What is the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

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A lesson about the parts of the body

One day the parts of the body were arguing about who should be in charge.

The legs said, “Well I carry you all everywhere so I should be in charge!”

The arms said, “Well I get all the stuff for the body so I should be in charge!”

The lungs said, “Well I get all the oxygen for th...

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.

The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".

The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".

The third guy (our gu...

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Back in the 1980's, two young Aussie tourists visit the Vatican as part of a Kontiki tour...

Typical of the day, beer is the main refreshment, so they have an Esky (a cooler) chock-a-block with ice and ice cold beers to keep them refreshed while viewing the sights. Due to the beers being consumed, they soon lose contact with the main tour group and decide to investigate the Vatican by thems...

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Don't let casual racism be a part of your life

Go competitive

What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?

The D'oh!



This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 3)

It was day three of the interview process for the position with the CIA.

Our guy has to complete a practical exercise of jumping out of a plane.

He gets up there all strapped with the instructor at the jumping altitude. When it gets time to jump though he suddenly gets nervous. The ins...

What's a pirate's favorite part of a birthday party?

Dabloons

I took my mannequin to the shop to have some parts replaced...

They charged me an arm and a leg!

Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he'd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

"Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were t...

The delivery man only brought part of my bear costume.

I wanted to choke him with my bear hands.

Did you hear about the guy who won an award for having the most extra body parts?

He won the Chernobyl Piece Prize.

Street gangs of southern LA have started decapitating each other and using the body parts to trade for goods...

The most valuable of which is the Crip toe currency.

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A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 2)

It's the second day of interviews for the position at the CIA. The three men are ready for their next step.

The interviewers take the first man into the interrogation room where the is someone tied to a chair with a hood over their face. They say "This is a practical task designed to test you...

What's the best part of being a hitman salesman?

Their target audience never complains.

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

New superpower

A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men

When asked what his superpower is, the man replies "Hindsight".

The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".

The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

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A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

Brunette: “Where were you born?”

Blonde: “California.” Brunette: “Which part?” Blonde: “All of me.”

What's a Jehovah's Witnesses' favourite part of Middle Earth?

More door.

What's a Canadians favorite body part?

The Lumber Vertebrae

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

Back at the nursing home,

A few evenings a week, Mr Jones would visit Ms Smith in her room. They would sit on the bed and talk and as they did, she would just simply hold his private part in her hand. They enjoyed this very much.
Then Mr Jones stopped visiting. As a few weeks went by, Ms Smith stopped Mr Jones in the...

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘...

What’s the best part of a dead baby joke?

They never get old

What social generation was Forrest Gump a part of?

Gen E

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

They say if you play the new Luke Bryan song backwards, you will hear a Satanic message. But that's not the worst part

...if you play it forwards, you'll hear the new Luke Bryan song.

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

What's the worst part of having twenty year old kids?

There are 20 of them.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

The Flesh is Weak

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rab...

Do you know what's the worse part of being a paranoid schizophrenic?

Who the hell is asking? Why do you want to know? Leave me alone! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhh!

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