This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

What’s the hardest part about being a Vegan?

Keeping it to yourself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

What was Ned Stark's favorite part of the morning?

Raisin' Bran.

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

What is the hardest part of being an atheist?

Staying quiet when someone sneezes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three school teachers go to the nude beach: the math teacher, the history teacher, and the logics teacher. Suddenly, the female principal goes by them. So the math and history teacher put their newspapers on their private parts, while the logics teacher puts it on his face.

After the principal leaves, the first two ask the logics teacher: Why did you put your newspaper on your face? She clearly saw your junk!

That's the thing! I'm mostly recognised by my face!

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

What's the best part about dating a short cleaning lady?

They're low maintenance.

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

The most annoying part about both my wife and daughter wearing burqa is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part.

Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

What's the hardest part of vegetable to eat?

The bones.

Best part of an Alabamian wedding?

Can also double as a family reunion.

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I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally lettin...

What's the best part about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a huge plus.

A guy walks into an auto parts store and says "I need a gas cap for m Chevy."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and says "OK, that sounds like a fair trade."

What’s the best part about having a vegan girlfriend?

Nuts are her favorite source of protein

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

A teacher asked her students: “when you go to heaven, which part of your spiritual body goes first?”

Little Anna raised her finger.

“Yes Anna?”

“I think the hands go first”, she said.

“Why is that?”, asked the teacher.

“Because, when people pray, they raise thei...

Best part of dating a homeless girl?

Afterwards, you can drop her off anywhere!

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An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

I once dated a girl who was a part-time stripper.

You could say she was Polish.

Do you know what the hardest part about eating vegetables is?

The wheel chairs

I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.

Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.

It'll be our first gig.

What's the worst part about being a solipsist?

Being the only person who gets your jokes.

What’s the worst part of going to a hypochondriacs anonymous meeting?

Admitting that you don’t have a problem.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm part of a drum kit.

Doctor: Settle down now Tom.

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What’s the hardest part of riding a moped?

Telling your parents you’re gay.

It’s weird that we count votes based on body parts...

Let me see all the eyes... now the nose...

Whats the best part about getting an anti-vaxxer pregnant?

Only eight years of child support.

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part that he puts in Olive Oil

What's the worst part about amputation?

It cost a arm and a leg.

If someone asks you to spell 'part' backwards, don't do it

It's a trap

What's the best part of being married?

You will never be alone.

What's the worst part?

You will never be alone.

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

What's the corniest part of the cornfield?

The corner!

What's the tastiest part of a doorway?

The jamb.

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What's the worst part about getting a prostate exam?

Realizing you have 2 hands on your shoulders.

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but,

after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

What's the worst part about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it's by your mum.

I hooked up with this chick who had part of her breast amputated after surviving breast cancer.

She was a hoot and a half.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

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They say first impressions are the most important part of meeting a girl

So there I was, with this crazy attractive Thai girl, then I was thinking dammit have self control...dont get a boner don't get a boner.........and then she did.

What is cream cheese's favorite part of a wedding

The Toast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

What is the deepest part of the ocean?

The bottom

What's the worst part of a clown divorce?

The custardy battle.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

“Captain, we need to get the safest part of the storm”

“Eye”

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

What's the worst part of going down on grandma?

​

​

Hitting your head on the casket lid,

What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?

The execution

Do you want to know the real reason I can’t be part of a threesome?

I can only handle disappointing one person at a time.

What's the worst part about being a black jew?

You have to sit in the back of the oven

The best part about being depressed

is that I save a lot of money on groceries.

The worst part about growing up in the south

was asking my parents for their blessing to marry their daughter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

What's the best part about a cliffhanger?

I'll tell you in the next post.

What part of Popeye never gets rusty?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl!

<Popeye laugh>

What do you call the long part of your nose?

The hypotenose

A small part of me really enjoys picking my nose...

Can always rely on that trusty pinky finger.