The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

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What is the worst part about your cake day?

No one gives a fuck.

( It's my cake day )

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What’s a Prostitute’s favorite part of leaving a tall building?

Going down on the elevator

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

Name the body part that your mom has 2 and a cow has 4.

Legs.

What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

What is an Astronaut's favourite part of a computer

The space bar

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it's fucked up that for the 2020s we didnt even get the roarin part like in the past

we just went straight to the depression

What do the “bad parts” of American history and common sense have in common?

They are being wiped from existence.

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

A baseball player worked part time at a bakery

His boss told him "Hey batter batter batter"

Doc, every part of my body hurts:

Me: “I touch my head it hurts.

I touch my stomach it hurrs

I touch my leg it hurts

I touch my eye it hurts

I touch my neck it hurts.

What is wrong with me?”

Doc: “You have a broken finger”

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

what do you call the oldest parts of the internet?

cobwebs

What's the worst part about eating a tiny Wookie?

It's a little chewie.

I bet you can't spell *part* backwards.

I knew you could really. It's just a trap.

What do you call the top part of a dog house?

The woof.

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What do you call a woman wearing nothing but whipped cream covering her private parts?

Chantilly clad.

What's the loudest part of tennis?

The Racquet

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits

"I always stir my tea with my left hand",
said the Englishman.

"I always stir my tea with my right hand",
said the Scotsman.

"How about you?" the Irishman was asked.

''Oh me?'' said the Irishman,
''I always use a spoon''

The best part about the garden at the psychiatric hospital?

It’s full of nuts.

What part of the vegetable is hardest to eat?

The wheelchair

I got my ancestry results back and I'm part Welsh and Hungarian.

I am well hung

What was the hardest part of my grand fathers death ?

Making it seem like an accident

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

What do you call the Avenger that's not really part of the main group and usually only plays a small role in their missions?

Peripheral Vision

#

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

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16yo with a part time job at McDonald's comes home in a new Porsche Panamera Turbo S.

His mom screams at him, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU BUY THAT PORSCHE, WE KNOW WHAT IT COSTS."

The 16yo says, "I got it from that old lady over there, she gave me it for $1.

His mom, steaming: OMG SHE MIGHT BE A RAPIST AND A CHILD ABUSER! LET'S GO SEE HER!!"

His dad goes to the old lad...

I think I have a fetish for the ending part of a paragraph.

Why?

I don’t know but just came to that conclusion

Do you know who lives in the bad part of Duck Town?

Quackheads

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

I told my drums, cymbals, xylophones, gongs, bells, and rattles players to play their part twice...

...but they didn't, so there are going to be re-percussions.

Trump has 2 parts of his brain, the right part and the left part

The right part has nothing left
And the left part got nothing right

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

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What is the average man's most sensitive body part when masturbating?

The ears, so he can hear if he's about to be caught.

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

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A farmer had a donkey that will only eat part of its food.

It was very strong and fit, but whenever they were given food, they left a significant portion.

At one point, another farmer comes by and, seeing as how the donkey is big and strong, wants to buy it.

So the first farmer parts with his donkey.

The next day, the second farmer come...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

Adam and Eve were in different parts of the Garden of Eden when the Lord ......

......... commanded Adam to go and squeeze Eve's hand.

"What's a squeeze, Lord?" Adam asked.

The Lord explained, and Adam went and squeezed Eve's hand. Then the Lord told Adam to kiss Eve.

Again, Adam was confused and asked for an explanation, which was given.

And Adam we...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

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What is it called when penis is the most important part of a relationship

A dick-tatorship

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

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Best part about cumming on my girlfriend’s tits?

There’s 8 of em!

I couldn’t understand why so many people liked Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure part 5. Most of the lines aren’t even delivered that well. But then it hit me...

It’s not delivery, it’s Giorno.

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Our small town made national news when a baby was born here that was part animal.

It had a deer face and a bear ass.

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

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A woman was pulled over for speeding. This is what happened:

Woman: Is there a problem Officer.

Officer: ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.

Offic...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

What’s the worst part about domestic abuse jokes?

The punchline

An old southern farmer is out one day with his dog repairing a fence row when suddenly part of it bursts into flames..

Wow I did not expect this post to blow up.

What's the best part about a joke?

The punchline

What's the worst part about working at a gynecology clinic?

Customer Cervix

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

[Dark] What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?

You have to go inside and ask for a hanger.

My favourite part in the CATS movie is what they lost Sven

Sventy million dollars

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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The worst part about opposite day is

A girl finally agreed to have sex with me.

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What's the best part about a blow job?

The peace and quiet.

The best part about being quarantined are the handjobs.

The worst part is being alone.

The worst part about shock pens...

They don't even write!

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

During the protests outside the White House, part of the new fence gets torn down.

Being as the repair is a government job, the secret service is tasked with getting three bids.

They post the job, and receive three responses. One is from a contractor in Kentucky. The second is from Texas, and the third is from Iowa .

The three contractors meet with the secret service...

Simps: The soul of a girl is the best part

People with footfetish: Finally something we agree on

What's Frankenstein's favourite part of a company?

Human resources

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

What food is the most important part of the Awolnation diet?

KAAAAAALE!

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

Which part of the body is more susceptible to the new Coronavirus?

The genItalia.

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable

Fighting off N. Korean security

Whats the worst part of squaring a number?

Nothing! There are no negatives!

What’s the hardest part of making a midnight snack?

The motion detectors.

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

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The hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents you're gay

What do I love more than part B?

Par-TAY!!

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What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

What was Ghandi’s favorite part of a baseball game?

The seventh inning stretch.

What's the most important part of a heavy metal band?

The lead singer.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

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