What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

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Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?

He got off with a suspension.

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

What's the worst part about eating a clock?

It's very time consuming.

What's the worst part of getting stoned with cannibals?

You've got to be really specific when you ask them to pass you a joint.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question.

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front ...

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

What's the most profitable part of owning a lemonade stand?

Selling the antidote.

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What’s the worst part about getting a rectal cavity search at the airport?

They don’t let you jerk off!

What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her rag?

You get your palm red for free

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Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids

You can't half ass it.

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

Whats the worst part about eating ass?

Definitely the corn

The best part of a euphemism?

You can take it any way you want it...

Do you know what the hardest part of becoming a vegetarian is?

To quit cold turkey.

Whats the best part of killing a hooker?

The second hour is free.

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Just took part in a blindfolded masturbating competition.

Fuck knows where I came.

What is the funniest part of the body?

The heel areas!

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

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What’s the best part about turning 50?

My mom is so old that she can’t make it down the stairs to catch me jerking off.

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart....

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart is not knowing who’s kid it is.

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

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Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?



Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.

I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

What’s the best part of dating a homeless chick?

You can drop her off anywhere

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I get really pissed off at racists who say I’m cheap because I’m part Jewish.

It’s because I’m part Scottish.

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Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tinies...

What is the worst part of having a mental illness?

People expect you to behave as if you don't.

a car's weakest part

the nut holding the steering wheel

Quasimodo Part 2

After Quasimodo’s funeral the next Sunday, his identical twin brother Farsimodo that no one knew he had was so distraught that he vowed to take up his brother’s mantle. Realizing that the funeral got out right before he had to ring the bells for the first time, he made a mad dash for the spires of ...

You know what the best part of organized sports is?

Yeah me either

Whats the most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series?

That a ginger has two friends at school

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NSFW What is the warmest part inside a dead woman's body?

My penis.

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Going inside to ask for a coathanger.

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What's the toughest part of being vague?

I mean, like... well, you know, right?

What do you call an experimental organ that’s part of the digestive system?

In-testin

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What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl?

The breakup: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

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What's a dracula's favourite part of sex

Edraculating

Say it out loud

What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

The worst part about kissing a perfect ten...

... is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

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What is the worst part of being a gay, black police commander?

Discrimination.

The worst part about being an antivaxer is

I never got to spoil my grandkids.

What's the best part about living in Sweden?

I don't live there but my friend told me that the flag is a big plus.

What's the worst part about owning a Corvette?

Trying to keep your chest hair from getting stuck in your gold chain.

Removing a part of my arm in the hope it will stop my hand flopping about uncontrollably...

That's a wrist I'm willing to take

The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose. I'm just doing my part...

...to stop cyst stemic racism.

Aren't you excited that Breakdancing will be part of the 2024 Paris Olympic games?

I'm head over heels!

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

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A couple is laying in bed after sex. The woman asks, “What part of my body do you like best?”

The man responds, “Well, those are the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.”

If someone asks you to spell "part" backwards,

Don't do it. It's a trap

I don't understand why people don't eat the crust. It's just another part of the food.

I think it tastes amazing just like the rest of the watermelon.

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

If you're not a part of the solution

You're a part of the precipitate.

The best part about being antivax

Is I’m saving a ton on college

What's the worst part of being a pirate while in school?

Getting your report card back to find the Seven Seas

What's the hardest part about a priest and an altar boy doing their ceremony?

Keeping a straight face.

In the exam for a med school, students were asked to rearrange the letters, N E P I S to form a body part.

Those who formed SPINE are doctors now.

The hardest part of dying....

Is Rigor Mortis

What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

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Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

My wife said to me today,You have two parts in your brain

The left and right side. There is nothing right on the right side, and there is nothing left on the left

I am handsome and pretty smart, but the best part about me is

my modesty.

What do you call an autobody shop that charges extra money for mystery parts?

"Surprise mechanics".

What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

A storm blew away the first and last part of my joke

ok

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the

Spanish Ink Quiz Session

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

What's the best part about dating a short cleaning lady?

They're low maintenance.

June 7th, 2019, the day the moon became a part of Mars

Thanks POTUS.

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