This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

"Here comes Santa Clause, here comes Santa Claus..." Okay, I get that part...

But why am I supposed to write down "Santa Claus lane"?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

Do you know what the hardest part about eating vegetables is?

The wheel chairs

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.

Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.

It'll be our first gig.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm part of a drum kit.

Doctor: Settle down now Tom.

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

What's the best part of being married?

You will never be alone.

What's the worst part?

You will never be alone.

Whats the best part about getting an anti-vaxxer pregnant?

Only eight years of child support.

What's the worst part about amputation?

It cost a arm and a leg.

What's the tastiest part of a doorway?

The jamb.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before ...

If someone asks you to spell 'part' backwards, don't do it

It's a trap

The most annoying part about having my wife and daughter constantly wearing a burqa is the confusion

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife!

What's the worst part about April Fools?

Jokes without punchlines

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

Three friends married women from different parts of the US.

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The ...

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with plumbing parts but,

after years of therapy, I finally got it out my cistern.

A boxing coach introduces the parts of the ring to his students.

“Here is the break area...

Here is the railing...

And here is the punchline.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say first impressions are the most important part of meeting a girl

So there I was, with this crazy attractive Thai girl, then I was thinking dammit have self control...dont get a boner don't get a boner.........and then she did.

What part of the sleigh did Santa leave behind while he was passing through Africa?

He left the reigns down in Africa.

I live in such a sketchy part of town that I don’t let my kids out of the house past 7 p.m.

They might go out and rob someone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What’s the worst part about sitting in traffic?

Getting run over.

What's the worst part about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it's by your mum.

What's the worst part of a clown divorce?

The custardy battle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts

Authorities say it's a loco motive

What's the worst part about getting a prostate exam?

Realizing you have 2 hands on your shoulders.

“Captain, we need to get the safest part of the storm”

“Eye”

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her

Dad: That happens everywhere.

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

The best part about being depressed

is that I save a lot of money on groceries.

What's the worst part of going down on grandma?

​

​

Hitting your head on the casket lid,

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

What do you call the long part of your nose?

The hypotenose

What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?

The execution

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

A small part of me really enjoys picking my nose...

Can always rely on that trusty pinky finger.

What's the worst part about being a black jew?

You have to sit in the back of the oven

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

What part of Popeye never gets rusty?

The part he sticks in Olive Oyl!

<Popeye laugh>

My Dad likes to eat every part of an orange

I never found it too apeeling.

What's the best part about a cliffhanger?

I'll tell you in the next post.

The worst part about growing up in the south

was asking my parents for their blessing to marry their daughter

They say a ring is the most expensive part of a wedding.

Nope. It's the divorce.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

If you're not part of the solution,

you're part of the precipitate.

Yeah, I’m a part of PETA

People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

When I was young, I always thought the feet were the first part of a person to go to heaven

First, because they're called the "souls" of your feet. Second, I once walked into my parents' bedroom and saw my dad holding my mom down on the bed. Her feet were in the air and she was screaming "Oh God I'm coming!"

What's the slowest-moving body part in the entire animal kingdom?

Mole Asses.

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Do you want to know the real reason I can’t be part of a threesome?

I can only handle disappointing one person at a time.

What cult was the chicken part of?

The KKKFC

I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million.

I just hope it was worth the Hassel

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

Partial arts

PETA should respect Steve Irwin

PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.

That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the worst part about your cake day?

No one gives a fuck.

What part of the fridge do you keep the gene edited baby in?

The CRISPR

What part of the body hurts the most when it snaps?

Thanos

Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

The best part of insomnia is...

It's only 10 more sleeps until Christmas!

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

"Sorry, we don't serve your kind around these parts" says the bartender.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

What’s the most important part of telling a pizza joke?

It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno

What's the worst part about a self-deprecating joke?

I'm too stupid to make one.

I like math for the most part...

But graphing is where I draw the line.

I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

What did the biologist say when his sister asked him what his favorite part of his foot was?

Mitosis

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The worst part about church is that you’re constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling, says a confessant.

why can’t the priest just pick a position and fuck me already!

I got a part in a movie called Cocaine.

I only have the one line.

What’s the male ghosts favorite part of a female ghost?

Her boooooobies.