UPJOKE
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Part Jokes

I think the most patriotic part of the entire Super Bowl was Rihanna’s halftime performance

Because there’s nothing more American than for a woman to work while she’s pregnant.

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils because they dilate.

What's the best part about being 111 years old?

There's no peer pressure.

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

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What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

What’s the worst part about being an atheist?

No one will know you were right.



(I’d like to remind you this is simply a joke)

What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

Waking up at 4.30 am to milk the almonds.

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

I've just done my part to help the environment.

I unplugged 6 electric vehicles that no one was using.

What's the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can't see a doctor about it.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Don't spell part backwards

It's a trap

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A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

What part of a vegetable cant you eat?

The wheelchair

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

My son is rehearsing for a part as a dictionary

It’s going to be a play on words

What's the most important part of the Popemobile?

The catholytic converter.

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What is the best part about having sex with a transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending that it went all the way through

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but

You have to fight for your right to Part E!

I asked a one legged woman if she wanted to be part of a threesome.

I heard she leaned both ways.

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What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

Doctor: Unfortunately sir, we had to remove part of your colon due to the cancer

Me. Oh my gosh

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.

Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.

"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"

"They said the same thing no matter what tim...

Which part of a computer was overworked and tired?

The keyboard. Because it has two shifts.

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Paul: "So, anybody have any ideas for the last part of 'Hey,Jude'?"

John: "Nah."
George: "Nah."
Ringo: "Nah."

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.

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A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because they have teeth...

A boy grows up being told by his mother never to touch a woman's private parts because "They have teeth!" One day when he's older he starts seeing a lovely girl who he begins to fall in love with. Things are going great, but she starts to feel frustrated at his lack of sexual progression with her. F...

Which car part would Mother Theresa be?

A Catholitic Converter

What’s a communist’s favourite part of a clock?

The h*our* hand

What's the best part about having Alzheimer's?

You get to laugh at all the reposts on here everytime.

Did you hear about the time traveling surgeon who can transplant any body part to an eighties soundtrack?

She got Bette Davis Eyes.

So there's this part of a woman's body that can drive her wild with erotic pleasure and I can't remember the name of it.

It's on the tip of my tongue...

What part of your body shouldn't move while dancing?

Your bowels!

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The best part of dyslexia is

That you at least get daily sex

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

The most ironic part about working at the unemployment office is...

If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body

Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?

Patient: yes

Doctor: i think your finger is broken!

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

What's the scariest part about climate change?

The atmosfear.

My grandad always said "there are no small parts..."

Lovely man, terrible horologist.

Part of me says I must have multiple personalities

But another part of me is like "don't listen to Greg".

I recently took part in the World Innuendo Championships

It wasn't long before I got pulled off

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

What's the best part of BJ?

Two Minutes of Silence.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

What part of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside!!

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

What’s the worst part of being a dinosaur with diarrhoea?

Thesaurus

>!(the sore ass)!<

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "I...

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part V

# California

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) want to see who is the best at catching perps. So, a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.

In goes CIA. They place...

What’s a whaler’s favorite part of a woman?

Harpoon

China should never take part in the Cricket World Cup

They can screw over any country with just a bat

Putin's inner circle is trying to hide the news that the war isn't going well in parts of Ukraine from him...

They have a very strict Donetsk-don't-tell policy.

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

How does Dr. Frankenstein keep track of his body parts?

He uses an organ-izer.

Which part of Italy has no Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sicily. It's a really dangerous place for witnesses.

the Beastie Boys are finally releasing a four-part Anthology collection.

Parts A through C will be free. However you have to fight for your right to Part D

How does Luke get from one part of Endor to another?

Ewoks

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

Why don’t many people live in the northernmost part of Canada?

Because they don’t like Nunavut.

I call my man part "The incredible hulk"

Because it turns green sometimes.

A man writes a story in parts amongst different pages. He starts to lose some of the pages for the Rise of the story; then he starts to lose some of the pages for the Climax of the story…

He’s starting to lose the plot.

As part of its commitment to environmentalism...

Texas is committing to executing people via electric chairs powered only by wind turbines and solar panels.

Did you hear about the knife thrower who started using volunteers as a part of his show?

Yea they're a part of his target audience

Why are cornfield mazes part of our Halloween tradition?

They are exceptionally ear-ie.

As part of my path to enlightenment, I buy my toilet paper from the dollar store.

It helps me get in touch with my inner self.

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My wife keeps complaining how unfair it is that I played no part in the birth of our daughter...

when I feel like I in fact played the *semenal* role

I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts

It was a hard drive

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

What's the best part of the multi awarded game Stray

The Cat-scenes.

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Your body parts are arguing about who should be in charge.

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the m...

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Some say the best part of having kinky sex with a German girl is getting Vienna sausages shoved up your ass.

Others say it’s the wurst part.

My friend asked me if there were famous NSFW parts of historical eras

I said that there weren’t many famous cases, except for the time Robespierre got head from King Louis XVI in front of all of Paris.

I went into the Auto Parts store

I said:

"I want a new gas cap for my AMC Gremlin."

The owner said:

"Sounds like a fair trade."

What is the worst part of being a mechanic?

Always working on Brakes.

You know, absinthe plays a huge part in the origin of what we now call bachelor parties.

It was a tradition for a man's friends to take him to an upscale bar just before his wedding and order him a glass or two of the ol' green fairy. If he truly loved his fiancee and was ready for the match, it was a fun night away from her with friends, celebrating his love. If he was having doubts, i...

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What’s a cat’s favorite part of a video game?

The PAWS button!

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

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What's the worst part of a naked bartender walking backwards?

His cocktail.

You know what the best part of the sims is?

If you get bored, you can just start over with a new family.

Just like my dad.

What's the worst part of ripping your favorite shirt?

Having to choose between .MP3 and .FLAC

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?

A semi colon

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According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

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A woman asks her friend what her most sensitive body part is during sex.

Her friend replied: My ears
Her: Oh really?
Her friend: Yes. Because I have to keep listening whether my husband gets home.

The best part about living next to a cemetery is...

all your neighbors are quiet.

What's the worst part about being an only child in Alabama?

Knowing that you'll always be single.

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what's the hardest part about having sex with a monkey?

training it to suck your dick without peeling it

What body part always loses in a game?

Defeat

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

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What’s the best part about turning 40?

My mom can’t get down stairs so well anymore so I can finally jerk off in peace.

what is the happiest part of a gaming controller?

The Joystick

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What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

What do you call a sister that works part-time for your company?

*Nun* of your business

What part of the army is for toddlers and babies?

The infantry

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