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Whats the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"



Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,...

A man walks into an army base and kills a lieutenant, a private, and two generals

There were no Major causalties

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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If I ever become famous, I'm gonna kiss another guy publicly just to remove homophones from my fan base.

John and Jon, that means you.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base….

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It’s quite urgent**

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

what do you call a rap group based around citrus fruits?

A tribe called zest.

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

Warner Bros should create a Harry Potter spinoff series based on the life of Hermione Granger.

They should name it Granger Things.

I was thinking of making a chemistry joke

But I was unable to find a base

I’ve figured out where all the dad jokes are stored.

In a dad-a-base.

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Joe suffers from chronic headaches for a long time.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove t...

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

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An RAF KC-2 Extender refuelling aircraft and two Eurofighter Typhoons were returning to their base in Cypress...

After flying a 4 hour patrol of the Ukrainian border.

The Typhoon leader called the Tanker pilot and asked “Don’t you guys get bored just punching circles in the sky for hours? Watch this...”

And he proceeded to do a barrel roll around the tanker.

“Impressive!” Said the KC-2 Ca...

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I had just joined a gym 2 days ago.

I joined a gym to get in shape. Hired a personal trainer to be supervised throughout my time in the gym.

He taught me some basic exercises. Day 1 was good.

The next day, there was so much pain. I went to the gym and barely got started when he came and asked -

"Are you feeling a...

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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What does Javascript and female masturbation have in common?

They are both object-based.

The chief of staff of the US air force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed forces. He directed that a nearby Air Force base will be open and all eligible young men and women would be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F - 15 fighter jet, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff struck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and said...

A soldier in the middle of a war walks up to his commander...

"Commander, I have an issue. What am I doing here?"

The commander stunned, answered:

"What do you mean? You're here because you're at war with the enemy!"

The soldier looked around and asked:

"Who is my enemy?"

The commander irritatingly pointed to the enemy base.<...

A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp

His boss starts:

"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"

"Yes Captain, it's true..."

"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."

"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

A chef went to a dentist

He'd recently had a new plate implanted and felt some pain in the area.

Upon examination, the dentist stated "the acrylic is starting to deteriorate. Tell me, have you been eating a lot of Hollandaise sauce?"

"Yes," said the chef "it's a favorite. Is that bad?"

"Well," explain...

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

What sets carbon apart from the other elements?

It’s the only element with based life forms.

Two men entered heaven…

and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”

Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter...

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My company got bought out by a Madrid-based firm today," the guy tells the bartender. "Everyone was surprised." "Well," the bartender replies. "No one expects the Spanish acquisition."

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

Did you know Mortal Kombat was based on an old Scandinavian song?

A Finnish hymn.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

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a white dude with a small dick

asks his black friend "man, it's a common knowledge you folks have a big dick, how'd ya do it?"
"Nope," says the friends, "that's family secrets I can't disclose."
The white dude begs and pleas until eventually the friend yields and tells him
"Ok, that's what you do. You find a large stone ...

Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

I once wrote an entire theater production based on puns.

It was a play on words.

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

How does knowledge get spread around an Army base?

It goes from being Private Information to General Information

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A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

Two aliens are flying near earth~ The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

I accidentally spilled a coconut milk based curry on my patella, but just a small amount.

It was only a Thai knee issue.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

I've heard polymer based condoms are the happiest type

They're ribbed for mer pleasure

Sorry if it is to sciencey

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

I tried to get to 2nd base with this French girl I met at the zoo

but I couldn't get past ze bra.

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Brewing company Hart Dickins is catering to its female customer base with a new alcoholic apple cider.

After all, what woman wouldn't want a Hart Dickins cider?

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT

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A guy and his gf want to find a hobby to share

She suggests to sign up for dance lessions, but the guy refuses.

She asks him why, and he says "i just don't like to do things i'm not good at"

She then asks him "then why you keep fucking me?"

(Based on a true story)

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Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

Did you know dr pepper was based off a real doctor?

He was a fizzican

There's a pilot for a new reality show based on hookers in a brothel.

It's call "Deadliest Snatch".

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

I’m starting a new online bank based in Vatican City

It’s called Papal.

You know, everyone is always talking about army bases...?

why no love for army altos or army tenors?

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

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Just tried my new Viagra based teabags.

Didn't do much in the bedroom but I left the biscuits in all day and they didn't go soft!

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

On our first date, we took turns humping the base of the Statue of Liberty

...we really got off on the right foot.

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."

If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.

If you were in the Army you think it means to go from r...

How do you decide who to marry?

**HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?**
**(written by kids)**

**You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.**
**-- Alan, age 10**

**-No person ...

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Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

I looked in the brochure to see if there were any natural, water-based passages,

but it didn't give me a strait answer.

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.

The Sargent in Iraq was hearing troubling rumors about his men.

That evening he called them all out of their rooms and had them standing in a line.
"I been hearing some terrible things, men" he yelled.
"Apparently some of y'all have been going around with someone named Fatima!"
"I will not tolerate this kind of debauchery on my base, you hear me?!"
"...

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

A group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base.

The drill sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out!"
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, hu...

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

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