Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

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Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.

In a dad-a-base

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I'm writing an anime based on a character with lymphedema of the nutsack

It's called 'Dragging Balls eh?"

I've come up with a system for assessing the validity of legal and financial documents with a scale based on Tom Cruise films

I call it my notary report.

Did you hear about the prison that grouped its inmates based on if they were dominant or submissive?

They had the place sorted top to bottom.

Did you hear about the guy who invented base jumping?

It was the highpoint of his career. It was all downhill after.

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Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

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Did you hear about the musical based on Death of a Salesman that had a happy ending?

It’s called How to Succeed in Business without Willy Dying...

[OG] [Based on a true story] My dad and I hopped into the car to go do the weekly shopping.

It was a chilly day from the breezy autumn months.

Leaves have been falling off the trees for two weeks.

The car was dusty and covered in dry leaves from the overhead trees.

Dad started the engine and I sat shotgun next to him.

There was a deep silence because we have bee...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

The FBI found a hacker's base of operations and broke in, but he was no where to be seen.

Agent 1: Where did he go?
Agent 2: I don't know, he ransomware

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Plant based cure for COVID-19

Plant your butt at home

How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base?

Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

I recently started watching pirate based movies and documentaries.

Now I’m hooked.

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

Girl, are you alcohol-based?

'Cause I want you to be my hand rub.

TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security.

Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer.

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

What's the difference between an ISIS base and a Muslim school?

I don't know I just fly the drone

There’s a new dating platform based on social distancing...

It’s called ‘Hinder’

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

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An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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My friend wants to do a one man show based on the human centipede movies, no one is ever going to watch that,

He needs to get his head out of his arse.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

I once told a joke...

... about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist...

I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?"

She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based...

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

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I'm creating a petition based on the position of peoples belly buttons, so...

Are you in or out?

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

Why cant orphans play base ball?

Because they dont know here home is

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

There are 10 kinds of people...

those who understand binary, those who don’t and those who didn’t expect this joke to be on base 3.

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base?

Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

My friend , a follower of a dharma-based ancient Indian religion, is an airline pilot.

She's a real plane Jain.

I decided to name the spider I found in my room, cotton eye Joe, based on two reasons:

1. Where did you come from
2. Where did you go

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*Based on a true story* My wife had an affair with someone I know...

I'm just glad she finally found a douche bag that will take care of that unkempt vagina of hers.

So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see th...

3 men die and go to heaven....

Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."

The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.

The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was fa...

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

So a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar.

The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says, "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"

The English teacher sighs and says, "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
...

Save me, Doc

A man just back from a long trip through the tropics starts feeling very unwell. He goes to see his doctor, but passes out in the office and is rushed to hospital for tests.

The man wakes up alone in a private room, feeling awful, wondering what is happening to him. Soon, a phone by his bed r...

It was hard and wet for her

(Based on a true story)

An economics professor was hard of hearing, so she couldn’t hear her students. She spoke so softly that her students couldn’t hear her either, so they fell asleep during class—except for one class when she said the words “It was hard and wet for her!” loudly and c...

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

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Some surnames are based off of what profession one had...

No wonder my last name is Dickinson

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Two doctors are discussing recent events...

The doctor tells the other "At our hospital we've had a lot of deaths recently due to covid19. We're based in washington and we had 20 senators, 300 deputies, 20 governers, 1000 mayors and 1 prostitute"

The other doctor said "Really 1 prostitute how did she get it?"

See nobody cares ab...

What do you call dough-based dessert items outside of a planet's atmosphere?

Spastries

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base,the Drill Seargent says,"All right,all of you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away,one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Seargeant walked over to him until he was eye to eye with him,and then raised an eyebrow.The soldier smiled and said,"Sure was a lot of 'em,huh,Sir?"

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A man takes his cat to the vet....

Man: Doc, my cat has some 'stuff' coming out of 'back there' (waves hand over cat's rear end).

Vet: You mean the purulent discharge from your cat's vulva?

Man: Doc, I don't know those words. You gotta put it to me non-fancy terms, gimme the plain English.

Vet: What we have here...

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

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Kim Jong-un has unfortunately died and the North Korean subordinates gathered for a serious meeting.

After hours of discussion, they decided it'd be best to replace him with a look alike to fool the foreign leaders. A Kim Jong-un look alike contest was organised and the winner was to be selected to rule Korea.

Fliers and posters of the contest was all over North Korea and a majority of the...

I don't think log base 3 is possible...

The log is always the base of the tree

Top 10 most aggressive dog breeds

10: You

9: can't

8: Rank

7: Dog breeds

6: Based on

5: Their aggressiveness

4: As every

3: Dog breed

2: Is different.

1: Chihuahuas

I think my base's security office is run by furries.

every email i receive from them has the header "FOUO, what's this?"

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3 Guys Compete to See Whose Shit is the Worst-Smelling Shit.

It was agreed that to determine the smelliest crap, they would base it on the number of flies that landed on their respective feces.

The first guy proceeds to take a shit. After a short while, a sizable number of flies swooped in.

The second dude does his worst and unloads a big one. A...

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

In the months leading up to their expedition,

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin trained in a remote moon like area in the Western United States. The area was home to several Native American tribes.
One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. The man asked them what they were doing there. They replied that t...

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

I live my life based on the words of Batman:

“I’ll get drive thru.”

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

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Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Gym Shoes (Based on a Real Story)

I’m in the locker room and after I put on my gym clothes I realize I don’t have my shoes in my gym bag. Go back to my car, not there.

Now I don’t work out much, which means getting myself to the gym is actually harder than the workout and I can’t waste an opportunity like this. So I notice ...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

I Started Watching A New Series During Lockdown

It's a series about how a respiratory illness spread throughout the world in 2019 and 2020, and damaged many economies, as well as caused many people to lose their lives...the illness is even said to have originated in China. Despite similarities, the writers say it's not based on the novel, *Corona...

What do you call a set of wires that like to communicate moral based children’s stories?

Aesop’s Cables

An American Major arrives at an isolated military base...

... He is quizzing a private.

"Where is the lieutenant?"

"Sir there is no lieutenant assigned to this post."

"I was told there was".

"No there isn't".

"I'm quite sure there is".

The soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Well Major. Allow me to ask a questio...

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honor...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

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In the draw down of WWII...

Dignitaries and generals were touring Nazi facilities in Europe. One of the stops that they made was at a naval base where the dreaded U-Boats were based.

The dignitaries and their staffs were headed to a captured U-Boat, when a droning was noticed, and the air raid sirens went off. The Luft...

The guardsman, the commissar, and the orks.

Preface: In case you are not familiar with the Warhammer universe, if enough orks believe something, reality will warp to make it so. And no... I am not the author of the joke... Do get over it please.



Once upon a time, there was a fierce battle raging in the jungle between the Imperi...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

What do you call a loud military base?

A FORTissimmo

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the q...

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