This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

What’s the difference between a school and a terrorist base?

I don’t know, I’m just the drone pilot.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from h...

Why aren’t base-8 math jokes funny?

Because Seven Ten Eleven.

The spread of Covid 19 is based on 2 factors...

1) How dense the population is.

2) How dense the population is.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Did ya know that Oreo had a secret base in Nevada?

It's called Oreo 51

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

[NSFW] Why is it hard for brothels to build up a client base?

Customers keep coming and going.

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

WW2, German military base, early in the morning.

A private walks into the Major's office to give his Night Shift report.

"Nothing to report sir... except that we broke a spade" the private says

"Ah well, carry on. How'd you break a spade though?" the Major asks.

"Well.. while burrying your horse, sir" replies the private
...

My wife said she’d buy her next phone based on how bright the display is...

... but I think that’s just nit-picking

My chemistry teacher asked me what's an acid + base.

A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.

One evening, an Army Major Arrived at a Base

Feeling hungry, he went to the Officers' Club for supper. He sat at the bar and asked the waiter.

"What's good here, Soldier?"

The waiter snapped to attention, "Discipline, Sir!"

(This is supposedly a true story.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

What do you call a pork based subscription service?

OnlyHams

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."Man: "Yes."Son: "I have a baseball."Man:...

“THERE’S ASSAULT ON THE BASE!“

Screamed the guy who put Sodium Chloride on soap.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

A man fresh out of boot camp is stationed to a fire base in Iraq.

His C.O. is showing him around the base and as the tour is wrapping up he concludes,

"I know it gets lonely out here, but right behind the coms tent is this cammel. If you get lonely just use that."

Confused the solder finds the cammel, it's mangey, and flea bitten, and old. He thinks...

How do babies keep track of their fathers?

They use an extensive dada-base.

Yo momma so fat...

She is considered a carbohydrate based life form.

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your testicle on the opening of a beer bottle and put a lighter under the base, eventually the heat will create a vacuum and your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you ever tried this, let me know how the reverse the process.

Need answers fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't most girls like anal? (NSFW)

Idk either, cause they sure love to date assholes.






(this is a joke don't take it serious based off what a female friend said to me XD)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

There are 10 types of people -

-The ones who count in base 10

-The ones who count in base 1010

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

Did you hear about the guy who invented base jumping?

It was the highpoint of his career. It was all downhill after.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have location-based constipation.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

Whats the difference between scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base?

Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

The FBI found a hacker's base of operations and broke in, but he was no where to be seen.

Agent 1: Where did he go?
Agent 2: I don't know, he ransomware

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, ‟The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”

The second alien asks, ‟Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first alien says, ‟I do not think so, they have aimed at themselves”

I once seduced a woman by telling her I'd sequence her DNA

but I stopped at first base when she told me what I'd find in her genes

I'm still undecided for the upcoming election...

But I've narrowed my choices down to Mexico or Canada based on moving costs.

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle

One of them yells out: "Ahhhhh!". The other soldier turns to him and says: "What happened?!" as he sees a venomous snake leave the area.

"I was bit in the balls, oh the pain!"
"Oh my God! Let me find a clearing to call the base medic, wait right here" said the other soldier.

He proc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm writing an anime based on a character with lymphedema of the nutsack

It's called 'Dragging Balls eh?"

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

Why does China have the best baseball team?

Because they took out the whole world with one bat

An Army cadet has the worst assignment on base, overnight monitor of the armory where the weapons are stored.

He's required to log a summary on the base laptop at the end of each shift and it's always the same: "All well". After a week he gets sick of sitting there bored for hours so instead he writes the summary at the beginning of the night and then sneaks off to sleep instead. This goes on fine for a m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Jamaicans go to a dress up party

The theme is 'emotions' with a strict entry policy. No costume, no entry.

The first guy knocks on the door dressed as a giant pear. The host says "this is an emotions party, what are you supposed to be?"

He replies "I'm in dis pear" and walks in.

The 2nd guy doesnt have a costu...

Redneck Algebra

First base with your second cousin three times on the fourth of July.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicle...

Did you hear about the prison that grouped its inmates based on if they were dominant or submissive?

They had the place sorted top to bottom.

Bay A: "Requesting weather report from secondary base"

Bay B: "It's cold outside"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy comes home with two black eyes.

A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her butt crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punche...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the musical based on Death of a Salesman that had a happy ending?

It’s called How to Succeed in Business without Willy Dying...

TIFU my IT job interview when I was asked to give an example of role-based security.

Apparently, six ply toilet paper was not the correct answer.

Girl, are you alcohol-based?

'Cause I want you to be my hand rub.

I recently started watching pirate based movies and documentaries.

Now I’m hooked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plant based cure for COVID-19

Plant your butt at home

There are 3 superheroes, The Fireball, Lady Aqua, and Tornado.

They all form a superhero trio, and try to stop villains from all over the world. They were all hanging at the SuperBase, when an emergency alarm went off.

The supervillain Master Garth is making their way to Paris, so that she can destroy the Eiffel Towel to be able to control all areas of E...

Where do you keep all of your dad jokes?

My dad-a-base

A German submarine is starting to take on water

A German submarine is starting to take on water. In desperation, they radio a nearby German base.

"Help us, ve are sinking, ve are sinking"

Just as they were about to fully sink, a reply came.

"Vhat are you sinking about?"

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

There are 10 types of people

Those who didn’t look at it, those who thought it was a binary joke, those who didn’t get it but upvoted anyway, those who didn’t get it and downvoted, those who didn’t get it and commented to say it, those who reposted mindlessly, those who reposted with credit, those who fit into more than one of ...

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

I walked into the lawn and saw my father digging a deep hole

There was still water at the base of the hole.

“What the hell is that dad?”

“Well, son”

“Yes dad?”

There’s a new dating platform based on social distancing...

It’s called ‘Hinder’

Why cant orphans play base ball?

Because they dont know here home is

Why couldn’t T-Rex get to second base?

Baseball wasn’t invented back then.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm creating a petition based on the position of peoples belly buttons, so...

Are you in or out?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend wants to do a one man show based on the human centipede movies, no one is ever going to watch that,

He needs to get his head out of his arse.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

Trump Masks!

When the pandemic started I seen an opportunity! I combined the upcoming need for mask with a large political base and mass produced 600,000 Trump Masks! I have not sold any though, what am I doing wrong?

So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Currently I'm working on a paper about the excessive consumption of whiskey based cocktails during the creation of the atomic bomb.

You might say it's my Manhattan project.

A lawyer approached the Pearly Gates of Heaven

“I’m only 45 years old! Why is it already my time to depart? Send me back to Earth right now or I’ll sue you!” he angrily snapped to the gatekeeper.

“Based to the records of your billable hours, Mr. Lawyer, you’re 98 years old.”, replied the gatekeeper.

I decided to name the spider I found in my room, cotton eye Joe, based on two reasons:

1. Where did you come from
2. Where did you go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Waiting Room Nerves

Two young men are worried and nervously comparing their symptoms in the doctor's waiting room. They are amazed that each of them is seeing the doctor for a colored ring around the base of his penis. One has a red ring and the other a green ring.

The young man with the red ring goes in first...

A pregnant, middle-aged woman enters a phone store.

She walks to the counter, and the cashier with a smile says, "Hi! How can we help you today?"

"My phones pregnancy app has been playing up recently, and I was wondering if you could fix it."

"We'll take a look at the phone, and see what the problem is," He replies. He takes the phone i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

My friend , a follower of a dharma-based ancient Indian religion, is an airline pilot.

She's a real plane Jain.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base,the Drill Seargent says,"All right,all of you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away,one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Seargeant walked over to him until he was eye to eye with him,and then raised an eyebrow.The soldier smiled and said,"Sure was a lot of 'em,huh,Sir?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

I don't think log base 3 is possible...

The log is always the base of the tree

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.