A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.

I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop'...

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

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Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People

He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews.

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

A naturopathic doctor opens up a wellness clinic

He puts a sign outside that says 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth....

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word".

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands up, clears his throat and says, "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "That means a lot".



**EDIT**

Fixed grammar

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

Just got the job at the old McDonald farm...

I'm now the CIEIO

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

I would post a joke about Buddhism

But I don’t have enough karma

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Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

A naked lady walks into a bar

A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down.

She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response.

She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?"

and the bartender r...

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

What do you get when you cross a elephant with rhino?

Hell if I know

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

There is no incest in Alabama!

You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister, or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

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Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.

She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!

I replied : Yes. I know 😊

There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole

I replied:- I prefer the other one...

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.

Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "If I can show you something amazing, will you let me have a free drink?" The bartender plays along and replies, "Sure".

The man opens his jacket and out hops a frog. The frog runs over to the piano in the back of the bar and hops around the keys playing Mozart, Beetho...

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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

Why are there no women magicians?

Because we burned them all

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity.

So I returned it to the store. They gave me another one, free of charge.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

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My wife just asked me if she looked fat..

This literally just happened...

My wife asked me if she looked fat after eating the biggest meal of our lives.

I said "no honey, you look great".

She said "Well you have to say that. If you didn't, I would have to kill you"

Apparently "I'd like to see your fat ass try" wa...

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

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Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

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After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

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Read on:

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

What do you call a blind German in 1939?

Not-See

What do you call a fish with no eye?

>! A fsh.!<

It was time to take my noisy tennis equipment making business elsewhere

The neighbours threatened to report me for making a racket.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

What do elephants have that no other animal has?

Baby Elephants.

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar that he’s never been to before. The place is busting and seems to be doing well. There are people singing, dancing, and laughing but the first thing he notices is the extremely short person playing piano in the middle of the boisterous crowd. Everyone in the place is infatuate...

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

I asked my parents if I was adopted.

They said, "Hell no, why would we pick you?"

I'm so happy!

Did your parachute not work while you were skydiving?

That's fine. You have the rest of your life to fix it.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere.

Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98.

Coworker: Really?

Me: No.

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So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles...

...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.

I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.

Why does KFC have no toilet paper?

Its finger lickin' good

They say there's no “I” in team

But there's no “us” either, just “me”

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

I like you, in a plutonic way.

"Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

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I thought about donating blood the other day, but then I thought no.

I can't take the thought of my blood floating around inside some dude's boner. No hemo.

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

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My girlfriend is upset that there’s no female equivalent of a “justice boner.”

I think she’s suffering from subpoenas envy.

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