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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.

So i packed my stuff and right.

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.

Me too.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed them all.

Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee. He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?" the man says.

Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no ...

My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock?

A turkey.

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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a ...

OH NO NO NO NO

# Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

# On the appointed day, the inspector turne...

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the fella who sold me it asked me was I going to put it up myself, I told him no i'm putting it in my sitting room

Found this somewhere. Lmao

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman trying to get into the Olympics with no tickets

The Englishman found a large wooden pole lying on the ground near him. He picked it up, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'Bentley, England, pole vaulting' and they let him in.

The Scotsman picked up a manhole cover, put it under his arm, walked in the gate and said 'McGregor,...

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He ...

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

No good genie

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wi...

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

Why is Trump no fun to play UNO with?

He keeps all the green cards.

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I am no longer a 14 year old virgin

I am now a 15 year old virgin

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

**me:** *[raising hand]* if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it?

**professor:** okay there is one stupid question.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
...

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

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To prevent someone from saying you are gay, you say "no homo" so what do you say to prevent incest?

Roll Tide

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I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

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I saw this hot chick in the park. Sparks flew and we were having sex in no time

Man I love my taser

Why does KFC has no toilet paper?

It's finger liking good.

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Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No"
so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No"
so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fucked?"
He said "No" as hi...

Her: What do you do?

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sex organs?

Still no fucking idea.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter. It won't come to you anyways.

3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them

So they throw one overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh.

I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

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Theres a man on the beach with no arms or legs

3 girls walk by and start speaking to him.

Girl 1: Has anybody ever hugged you?

Man: No...

*she hugs him*

Girl 2: Had anybody ever kissed you?

Man: I wish but no...

*she gives him a kiss*

Girl 3: Have you ever been fucked?

Man: Never!!!
...

Today is no joke day.

Looking through this thread, everyone is

adhering to it..

No matter how kind you are...

German children are Kinder.

In school

Teacher: What's 5x2?

Little Ahmed: 10.

Teacher: Very good. And what is 5x3?

Little Ahmed: 9

Teacher: No, try again.

Little Ahmed: 8

Teacher: RUN!

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A girl with no arms and legs

A man is walking along the beach when he heard distant crying. The crying got louder and louder when eventually he saw a girl lying in the sand, crying her eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" He asks the girl.
"I'm just so sad..*sniff* I've got no arms...no legs...and I've never been kissed b...

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

So many items are no longer made in America...

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

There's no i in team

But there is an M and E

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs?

Some body.

I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.

Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

**What do you call a cow with 2 legs?**

Your mom!

No? Huh, you must be out of the loop.

Hey, did you hear about the guy stuck in a time paradox?

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

What do you call 2 dogs with no legs on a leash?

A drag race

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?

Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Monkeys, dogs... animals are usually the first ones to explore space; so why is there no animal on Mars?

Curiosity killed the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

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I did it! It's the last day of no nut November and I actually did it!

I went a whole month without eating a single nut! All it took was extreme discipline and nonstop masturbation for 7-8 hours straight every day!

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Q.What to do when people hate you for no reason?

Ans: punch them in the face.....now they will hate you for a reason.........better right?

I don't get why people are going on about no nut November

It's like any other month if you are married.

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was born with no eyelids

The doctors circumcised him and used the foreskin to fix his eyes but he was still left cockeyed.

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

Why are there no women magicians?

Because we burned them all

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

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A traveling salesman knocks on a door and a little boy answers.

The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.

Stunned, the salesman says, ‘excuse me, are your parents home?’

The little boy replies,
‘What the fuck do you think?’

No comment

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.

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I was doing some gardening when my friend asked me to go out and have a drink with him. I said no cause I was gardening. He said 'Come on

*BROS BEFORE HOES*

It's a shit joke ik dont bully me

Why are there no haunted gyms?

All the ghosts have been exercised

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

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In Jesus's time, some heard and didn't believe that He was the son of God. They said no way. His rebuttal.....

Yahweh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

So you know how people say "Say no to drugs"?

If I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One white man, one black woman, one Asian guy. No, make that one Jewish guy, one Indian guy, and a white man

said the cannibal at the drive-thru.

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

This Thanksgiving I have no soda, and that makes me sad.

You could say I’m soda pressed

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

Why is no one in Finland a loser?

Because every line is a finish line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What comes after “No Nut November”?

“Deflated Dicks December”

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine

It's just soda pressing.

Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November

You just can't let anyone cashew

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

I was doing so well at no nut November.

But then my colleague Ally started eating a snickers by licking it sensually. Long story short I ended up taking Ally's snickers off her.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said t...

Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A toilet seat with no hole...

Is a really shitty toilet seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

No sergeants allowed

It's a Private party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

A man just tried to sell me a speaker with no volume controls.

I couldn't turn it down.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

Day 26 of no nut November

I've already mastered time travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person at our local hospital was born with no eyelids...

So when they circumcised him they used the skin and grafted it in as eyelids.The only problem is he might come out a little cockeyed.

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