UPJOKE
nonezeronegativeonenotneitherknownobeliumno morenarynayanynothingonlyall

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return….

…..and returned.

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No Sex Tonight!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

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Room no. 13

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key.

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning,...

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

If women ruled the world there would be no war

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...

But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Does no one say YOLO anymore?

Or are they all dead?

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

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A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline.

He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

She says, "I've never been hugged before."

The man hugs her, says, "There, now you've been hugged," and leaves.

The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He walk...

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Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A. Anything you want, there's nothing he can do about it.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It w...

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success

My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her cigarette

...and every night we go out for a drag.

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic sister.

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

There is no "f" in lieutenant

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well...

After my prostate exam the doctor walked out and the nurse walked in. Then she asked me something no man wants to hear..

Who was that?

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the bar stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm st...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity

It was a little overrated

How do you say "No TV" in Russia?

Nietflix

I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance.... So I pushed the guy over.

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"No, it's too expensive."

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

No Respect

"A girl phoned me up the other day and said, 'Come on over, no one is home.'

I went over there.

And nobody was home!"

Rodney Dangerfield

What are some of your favourites from Mr. No Respect?

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

Who has no choice to strip to make ends meet?

Electricians

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Did you hear of the guy who says he has no butthole?

He's full of shit.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

Chuck Norris parks his car in a no parking zone to buy some groceries. When he returns to his car, he sees a cop standing there. „Is that your car?“, he asks.

„Yes, what‘s the problem?“, asks Chuck.

The cop points at the big no-parking sign and says: „Sorry Sir, it looks like we put that sign in the wrong place.“

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

When no one answers your r/AskOuija

You do it ___

What do you call a guy with no shins?

Tony

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69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.

The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

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"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

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Did you know, there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

It's the same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there, either.

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity killed them all

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Why there is no AC in the Pornstar's home?

Because she has only fans

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there's a Target at every corner.

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call it. It won’t come over anyway.

there's no need to be angry at lazy people

they didn't do anything.

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I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

No means no,

Unless she's dyslexic.

Then it's On.

Why are there poptarts but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

What is a Bear with no teeth called?

A gummy bear...

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster...

and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem"

well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd b...

‘Just say NO to drugs!’

Well… If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes…

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Need help solving a joke with no punchline

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

"On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, includ...

Why are there no Irish lawyers?

They can't pass the bar.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

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No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer l...

where do you find a cow with no legs?

>!\--right where you left it.!<

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?

"You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!"

A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.

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How do you say "no" in Japanese?

EA.

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...

...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

Why are there no casinos in China?

They hate Tibet.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

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There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

Hurricane Harvey is no joke.

https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793


To find out how to help, follow the link above.

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What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

Nice tits, sweetheart.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

I'm opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith

I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."

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No Bears in the Bars of Banff

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender:
“rrrrrrrr I’ll have a gin………. and tonic.”

The bartender says:
“Sorry we don’t serve bears in the bars of Banff”

So the bear roars and walks out.

The next day the bear walks into the bar and says:
“Rrrrrrrrr I’ll have...

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no sex organs?

No fucking eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no sex organs, and no legs?

Still, no fucking eye-deer.

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