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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned"

Edit : Thanks for the silver kind strangers

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Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

A woman is constantly seeing the same man in an elevator every Friday at 3:00

She gets off on the 3rd floor and he always goes to the 5th. Finally one day she says “it always see you here, I get off on the third floor and give blood “ bragging she says”my blood is rare so they give me $50 a week.”
The man smiles and says well I get off at the sperm bank where my donation ...

Girls should stop saying "all men are the same"...

No one asked you to try them all.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?

Really good acid

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

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Husband: Babe, studies show that having sex is the same as running 10 kilometres

Wife: Bullshit, who runs 10 kilometres in 30 seconds?

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome...

Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents

What Do You Call Two Octopi That Looked The Exact Same

Itenticle

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

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A mailman was retiring after running the same route over 20 years, he had gotten to know the people pretty well so he left little notes of appreciation in their mailboxes...

The next day he gets to the first house on the block and the couple there greet him with a going away present and say there goodbyes.

This goes on for the next few houses.

But about 5 houses in a lady greets him at the door in nothing but her underwear. She snatches him inside and pro...

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I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time.

I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

My Xbox, PS4 and Switch all broke on the same day.

I'm inconsolable.

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

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I was listening to the same song on repeat at work today.

My colleague, who was right next to me said, “Quickly change the fucking track!”

I asked, “Why?”

He said, “Because if you don’t, those two trains will collide.”

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

When can a man and a woman have the same last name?

Teenagers: brother and sister

Adults: husband and wife

Alabama: yes

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Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm...

All men are the same!

Grandma is seeing that her grandchild, a young woman, is getting ready to go out, dressing up nicely and being all nervous. So she asked her grandchild about her plans.
"Why, I am going out on my first date with a handsome young fella, Grandma! I am so excited!"

The Grandma raised her eye...

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A man says to his wife "honey, I bet you can't tell me something that makes me both happy, and sad, at the same time..."

Without almost no hesitation "you have the biggest penis, out of all of your friends."

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

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Two men have an anniversary on the same day (NSFW)

One of the men asks the other, " what did you get your wife for the anniversary?"
" a gold necklace and a new car" replies the other man
" why would you get her a necklace AND a car?" Asks the first man
" so if she doesn't like the necklace she still has a car and drive home happy" replies...

A man saw his friend smoking two cigarettes at the same time

He asked him “why you smoking two?”
He reply’s, “I smoke one for me and one for my brother because he is in prison”
A week after he saw him again, but he smoking only one.
He ask “oh did your brother get out??”
He reply’s “no I quit smoking”

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Why can’t they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Mexico?

They had to give the donkey a break at some point

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I want to leave this world the same way I entered it...

An unfinished blowjob

I asked my friend, "What's the same about my jokes and Peter Pan"?

And just before I could say, "They never get old," he replied, "They Neverland?"

^(This actually happened. My career as a comedian is over.)

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

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My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

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My girlfriend and I caught each other cheating at the same time.

I was into prostitutes and she was into prostitution.

I keep getting the same French Uber driver

Serge Pricing.

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The rules for religions and penises are the same.

It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop...

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea"...

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

Why did the tellytubbies all use the bathroom at the same time?

They only have one Tinky Winky!

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives?

America.

A old man's children visit him at the same time by car.

His children are parking their vehicles.


The man has parkinsons.

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

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I challenged my girlfriend to make me feel sad and happy at the same time

Then she said: "you have the best dick among all of your friends"

"I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing...

Except at a funeral.

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

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My friend won the lottery and had sex with with a MILF all in the same day

Lucky mother fucker.

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

If I had a parrot, I’d teach him two or three pirate jokes and he would just repeat them over and over again, week after week the same jokes. Every time people would be mesmerized.

I’d name my parrot arrrrr/Jokes

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I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me...

.. After today, the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles”.

Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”

“No” he replies, “it’s puddles. And don’t ask.”

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence.

Enough is enough.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the wa...

The inmates in the Riverdale South prison didn't have enough down-time to repeat the same long jokes, so they started giving them numbers.

Every of the seasoned inmates knew the jokes the numbers represented by heart, and it saved on a lot of time telling jokes. The system worked. One day, a new inmate joined, and was flabberghasted when he saw the group of men taking turns shouting numbers. "Number twenty-three!" shouted one guy. The ...

What do you call a redditor who changes accounts and posts the same content on each?

A Karma-Karma-Karma-Chameleon

Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ?

One is twenty and other is twenty too.

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Jokes and sex are almost the same

I don't get it

I like my beer the same way I like my violence.

Domestic

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Back seat drivers... They’re all the same

“Let me go”, “why are you taking me in to the woods”

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested,.. the church is in New York City and the bride's name is Donna.

Did you here about the two pharaohs who farted at the same time?

They had a tutankhamun.

How many times is too many times wearing the same underwear?

When you ask yourself when the heck did you buy leopard print

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

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How many dicks can a bird take at the same time?

A Cockatoo

Past, present and future all walked into a bar at the same time.

Talk about tense.

You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though...

...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

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Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

What happens to your car when you press the gas and brake at the same time?

It takes a screenshot.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim , and one time we were having a drink and I said to him “do you ever get fed up of westerners saying that all Chinese people look same?”

He replied “Kim’s at bar getting drinks, I’m his wife.”

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

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I got an mp3 player for my birthday. But this group of shitheads at school decided to break it. So my mom bought me an mp4 player. Same group of shitheads broke it. So I brought an mp5, but the school confiscated that.

Tomorrow I'm bringing an MP7

Mexican and black jokes are all the same

Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.

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What do you call it when you and your friends all take a dump at the same time

Gang shit

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?

Church

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what is rubick cube and cock in the same?

the more play with the harder it is hahahaha

Are the testes and prostate the same thing?

No, there's a vas deferens between them.

I always cry at the same point in the movies.

Right at the ticket window.

Is it just me or is every girl's name the same in public?

I always go up and ask them what it is and they always say its "Sorry, I gotta go."

Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time......

....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned.
“I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”.
The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.”
“Ok, question 1. Where was Jesus born?”. Nun #1 steps up and...

Why Jesus and the 3.5" floppy are the same?

They both died to become the icon of saving.

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a mo...

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.

Son:Mommy tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time

Mom:The whole Avengers cast is coming to visit you next week

Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?

Only one pair of trunks

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

Often, people use fiction as an escape. They live vicariously through the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems that they do.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

Pickpockecting is the same as kidnapping.

If your victim is a kangaroo!

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Rich man and a poor man share the same wedding anniversary...

Every year, they meet on Madison Avenue to shop for their wives.

So poor man says to the rich man, "what did ya get your wife this year"? Rich man says, "I got her a huge diamond ring and brand new Benz".

Poor man says, "well what did you get them both for?" Rich man says, "if she does...

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Why don't they teach sex education and driver education on the same day in the Middle East?

Doing so would be far too exhausting for the camel.

How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time?

I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud.

Yesterday, I called a local radio station to request "I'm Free" by The Rolling Stones. However, they played a song of the same title by The Who.

You can't always get what you want.

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

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