UPJOKE
similarlikeidenticalequaloneselfsamecomparableduplicateonlyalthoughthoughevenbutalonealso

Same Jokes

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.
upvote downvote report

What word means the same thing with several letters added?

Mailbox
upvote downvote report

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )
upvote downvote report

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...
upvote downvote report

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.
upvote downvote report

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.

They're in sects.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.
upvote downvote report

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...
upvote downvote report

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...
upvote downvote report

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...
upvote downvote report

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new girlfriend has the same first name as my sister.

Which is quite odd, because now, when we have sex, I think about my girlfriend :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I clean my dick for the same reason I polish my trophies:

I want them to look good even though they serve absolutely no purpose.

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church
upvote downvote report

A joke from my 8 year old......Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty
11+11=twenty too
upvote downvote report

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
upvote downvote report

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child
upvote downvote report

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!
upvote downvote report

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...
upvote downvote report

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked
upvote downvote report

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.
upvote downvote report

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub
upvote downvote report

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math teacher, a gym teacher, and a stoner die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

I like my coffee the same way I like the slaves,...

free.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two guys wearing the same outfit and asked them if they were gay?

They arrested me.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets fi...
upvote downvote report

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
upvote downvote report

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"
upvote downvote report

Why do you never wear two monocles at the same time?

Because you'd make a spectacle of yourself.
upvote downvote report

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little...
upvote downvote report

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!
upvote downvote report

My resolution this year is the same as last year.

1920x1080
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has the same name as my grandmother

and whenever she and I are having sex I start thinking about my girlfriend.

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister...

... So whenever we have sex and she screams: "Say my name", I always feel bad because it reminds me of my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phone calls and blowjobs are the same thing for me.

Im never on the receiving end

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.
upvote downvote report

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."
upvote downvote report

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meet...

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad
upvote downvote report

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)
upvote downvote report

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
upvote downvote report

What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?

About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
upvote downvote report

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
upvote downvote report

3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.

While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."

The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I ...
upvote downvote report

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin
upvote downvote report

I met few cannibals the other day and they all said the same thing.

They are fed up with people.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

If you were born the same year Red Red Wine came out…

UB40 now.
upvote downvote report

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They’re in bred
upvote downvote report

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome
upvote downvote report

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same...

Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Election and Erection are almost spelled the same. They both mean the same thing too.

A dick rising to power

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...
upvote downvote report

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...
upvote downvote report

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...
upvote downvote report

What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we've got a Tutankhamen.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two best friends got married on the same date and...

meet every year after their anniversaries at their favorite bar. One was fortunate to be really successful and the other lives a sort of mediocre life. They start discussing what they got their wife's for their anniversaries. The rich guy begins by discussing his gift.

" Yea, I got my wife a...

I asked 7 famous supermodels “what is the key to a guy getting your attention?” And they all said the same thing.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”
upvote downvote report

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...
upvote downvote report

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle.
upvote downvote report

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”
upvote downvote report

A police man spots a blond driving a car and knitting at the same time.

He gets her to roll down her window.
“Pull over” he yells. “No silly”she replies “it’s a scarf”!
upvote downvote report

A man has been seeing the same doctor for yeats for the same symptoms with no results.

Finally one day the doctor says, "Okay, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the longest, hottest bath you can stand, then I want you to open all the doors and windows in the house."

The man says "But doctor, I'll get pneumonia, won't I?"

And the doctor says "Yes, but I kno...
upvote downvote report

How did the Latino kill 50 people at the same time?

I don't know. He must have had a locomotive.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got catfished by the same person online 3 different times…

That chris hansen is one tricky bitch.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999
upvote downvote report

One of my friends always played the same joke on me when we were walking in the forest.

Suddenly he freezes and starts staring into the distance as if he saw something between the trees. He doesn't say a word then, just sometimes he gives me a quick look as if to say, "Man, did you see that?" I usually stood next to him like an idiot, staring at the same spot, wondering if there was so...
upvote downvote report

For generations my family has been passing along the same poor genetics.

We call them hand-me-Downs
upvote downvote report

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I are a same sex couple

When we have sex, it’s always the same.

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...
upvote downvote report

Why do all the workers in the perfume factory look the same?

The managers cologne them.
upvote downvote report

"sir this is the eleventh time you’ve been here for the same crime."

your honor, did i ever tell you the definition of insanity?
upvote downvote report

Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?

Because they lack reflection.
upvote downvote report

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
upvote downvote report

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fun fact I was born the same day a Green Day album was released

So, that means two American Idiots came out that day

Why is it wrong to have two elephants in the same swimming pool at the same time?

They'll only have one pair of trunks.
upvote downvote report

Why were Charlie Brown, Linus and Lucy expelled from school on the same day?

Because that was the day the schools banned peanuts.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother told me I should always treat the janitor with the same level of respect I show to my CEO

That's how I started sucking the janitors cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 
One month later the three coup...

The latest 23andMe data breach is believed to be perpetrated by the same hacker from the previous breach.

It appears they're related.
upvote downvote report

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...
upvote downvote report

Not all cheeses are made the same.

In fact, edam is made backwards!
upvote downvote report

What kind of car is the same frontward and backward?

A Toyota.




First post ever on Reddit. I hope I did it right.
upvote downvote report

After every president’s annual physical, the doctor always delivers the same news.

“Mr. President, the good news is that you have both sides of your brain. The bad news is that on the left side, nothing is right; and on the right side, nothing is left.”
upvote downvote report

Both men and women are going to the gym to have the same thing.

A perfect female body.
upvote downvote report

Almost all coins look the same

This must be what we call a coincidence
upvote downvote report

What do you get when 32 rednecks enter the same room?

A full set of teeth.
upvote downvote report

Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time?

Because the signs say "No trespassing"
upvote downvote report

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get 50 little old ladies to scream FUCK at the same time?

Have the 51st scream BINGO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate words that are spelled differently but sound the same!

I guess I'm homophonic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot
upvote downvote report

my girlfriend and i are the same

Both are imaginary.
upvote downvote report

What's the difference between having the same job for 20 years and having the same wife for 20 years?

The job still blows.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information