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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

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Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

The horse government never gets anything done...

The politicians always vote Nay.















I'm sorry

What do you call a critical horse?

A nay-sayer.

Thought of this while delivering mail in the countryside.

Karl: Thanks to Duolingo, I can ask people if they are a horse, but I can't introduce myself in french.

Mark: Ask me if I'm a horse

Karl: Tu es un Cheval?

Mark: Nay.

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So a pirate walks into a bar and sits down next to a man.

The man says, “How did you get your peg leg?”

The pirate says, “A cannon blew me leg straight off.”

The man asks, “How did you get your hook?”

The pirate says, “I lost it in a sword fight.”

The man asks,” How did you get your eye patch?”

The pirate says,” I was loo...

So what do you think of equestrian sports?

Neigh or nay?

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

A Pennsylvania cop gets a call...

A Pennsylvania cop gets called to a hit & run by a passing motorist. He arrives on the scene to find a turned over Amish buggy, an unconscious man, and the horse loose & grazing on the side of the road. He calls an ambulance for the man and begins writing the accident report. Out of frustrat...

What is Forrest Gump’s favorite part of US currency?

The pen-nay

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The story of Rolph Louie, the worst basketball player to ever make it to the NBA.

There was once a basketball player named Rolph Louie, who somehow made his way into the Chicago Bulls. This decision to pick up Rolph for the roster made no sense to anybody; it baffled the commentators, the fans and even the players on the team. Rolph could barely dribble a ball...

In 99% of...

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it weh us.".

I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

Question: What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

Answer: Arrrrghhh!
Response: Nay! 'Tis the SEA we love!!

*My brother-in-law told me this one!

Does thou dear mother know thy are a horse?

Nay.

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“Oi, you!”

“Sheep shagger!” yelled the man as Llewelyn Jones walked down the high street, pointedly ignoring him.

“Yeah you, sheep shagger! Fucking sheep shagger!” slurred the man, before throwing his beer can into some petunia bushes and stumbling off in the other direction.

“The youth of today...

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90yr old man goes to the doctor...

" You're in great shape! How do you manage it?" says the doc.
" I drink a bottle of whiskey everyday to kill the germs."
" You gotta stop that, it's bad for you!"
10yrs later, the man comes back for a check-up.
" Well you're still in great shape, did you stop drinking that whiskey?"
...

A Welshman enters a game show....

A Welshman enters a game show, and he is given the choice of three doors: Behind one door is a car; behind the others, sheeps.
He chooses door # 1 and the host opens door #3 to reveal a sheep behind it.
The host askes, "Do you want to change your choice?"
To which the man...

Why can't horses vote?

'Cause their answer is always 'nay'.

I'm sorry, I'll leave...

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Pirate in a Bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate c...

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Sarah Jessica Parker on the cancelation of the new Sex and the City movie

"Will there be a Sex and the City 3?"

"Nay." -Sarah Jessica Parker

An Irishman moves away from home...

An Irishman moves away from home to find work and in the city he settles down in he goes looking for a bar to relax in. He finds a suitable establishment and after he sits down he asks for four pints of Guinness to be brought out at the same time. The waitress complies with the unusual request and t...

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A blonde goes to a ventriloquist show

The guy is doing his act and at some point starts with jokes about blondes. Infuriated the blonde gets up and shouts: "It's because of shows like this that people don't take blondes seriously! You should be ashamed of yourself for putting down all the blondes... nay, all the women, with your misogyn...

Every night at the pub...

...the Irishman followed the same ritual. He ordered five shots of whiskey, then held each glass up in a silent toast, and drank them down in turn.

After seeing this for weeks on end, the bartender's curiosity got the best of him, and he said to the Irishman, "I notice you always order five ...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

Why don't people like the Congressional whip?

He always votes nay-nay

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An Arab wandering through the Sahara

finds an old bronze lamp. When he uncorks it, out comes a genie dressed in black, with side curls a yarmulke.

"Oy, someone has *finally* freed me from that prison! I will grant you *1 wish*."

"You covetous Jew, you will give me *3* wishes!"

"It is 1 or I give you nothing, you v...

A fine Lamborghini

A guy wanted to buy a Lamborghini. It was his lifelong dream. One day he achieved gathering enough funds to finally fulfill his ambition. He had dubious means of making a living (due to his burning desire to be the proud owner, nay, carer of a Lamborghini), so he went to the dealership (which was no...

Sarah Jessica Parker was asked if she supported the company that manufactures the Epi-pen.

She replied: "Nay"

Who is a cow and horses favorite artist ?

Moo Nay !

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Yet another Irish drinking joke

An Irishman with a penchant for coming home drunk after work every night is admonished by his wife every night as he comes in the door. Every night he just waves his hand at her and goes upstairs to pass-out until dinner is ready.

One night the wife decided she's had enough and would teach h...

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My go-to joke

Seamus is out walking with his grandson Angus, and he says "Angus, your da told me to give you a little talk about legacy. Ya got to be careful with what you do in life, because it'll stick with ya"

"You see that bridge over there? I cut every stone down in the quarry, lugged them up to to th...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

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A group of tourists are backpacking around Scotland...

They stop in a small town to rest for the day and find the local pub. They are all students of history so they ask the bartender about the history of the town.

"Oh, ye'll be wantin' teh speak teh Ol' Angus in the corner," the barkeep says. "He practically built the whole village himself!"
...

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