If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,...

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Hitler asked a fortune teller what day he would die

The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you sure of that” he asked. “Any day” she replies “you die will be a Jewish holiday”

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Why don't robots have any brothers?

Because they only have trans-sisters

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

How any tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh ?

Ten.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With any gift give your SO a dildo as well

That way if they don't like the gift they can go fuck themselves.

Why doesn’t santa have any kids?

He only comes once a year

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

Why aren't there any white jokes?

No one wants to get on the shooter's bad side.

My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"

He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."

A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m...

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

It really hit me today that I could die at any minute. Literally any second of the day could be my last. I dont want to die sad. If I can truly and deeply love myself I won’t die alone, I’ll die but in the arms of the one I love.

Cashier: This card was declined too, sir...

The mailman explained to me why I’m not receiving any mail.

I just don’t get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grape...

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”

​

“No,” replies the man.

​

“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.

​

“Nope,” the second man replies.

&#...

I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite...

He said NaBrO

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you could have sex with any dead celebrity, who would it be?

I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books on Paranoia.

The librarian whispers "They're right behind you!"

Know any jokes about Sodium?

Na

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

Does anyone know any good anti-vax forums?

I keep joining one, but they all die down after a couple years.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

Why aren't there any vampires in Africa?

Because vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

I can't see an end. I have no control, and I don't see any escape. I"m not even sure I have a home anymore....

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

I can stop any pipe from leaking

Just by giving it a tap

Any good 9/11 jokes

or do they not land well?

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.

​

She's still waiting for a long stick.

How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it 23 times.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

If people from Alabama were any more inbred

They would be sandwiches.

Why aren't there any NSFW posts in r/antivax

Because none of them are 18+

The weakest point of any car is...

the nut holding the steering wheel.

A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients

His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.

I’m never again donating a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon.

They just take the money and run.

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife recently asked me: "Hypothetically speaking, if you could have sex with any person in the world, whether real or fictional, who would you choose?"

Apparently, 'Karen' was not the right answer.

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isn’t having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’r...

Doctor: Sir, you're too arrogant and have not looked after yourself. Tests say any small act of physical exertion will kill you.

Arrogant man: Me? Don't make me laugh!

Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.

You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president...

I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

A woman calls her gynecologist: "Doctor, did I by any chance, leave my panties at your clinic?"

Doctor looks around, doesn't see them and answers "Sorry, no."
"Ok, then it must be at the dentist's!"

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

Any state has its own mafia

In Russia, mafia has its own state.

Does anybody know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I feel like I keep hearing the same ones over and over again

At any given moment, the urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away

I asked my wife of 25 years if she'd still love me if I didn't have any money.

She thought about it and nodded with a smile. "Yes, of course I still would love you. I would *MISS* you, but still love you."

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one

He's never gonna give you Up

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: Any experience of operating heavy machinery?

Guy: Does your mother count?
Interviewer: fuck! you're hired.

Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC?

Because it’s finger lickin good!

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the prostitute say when the passenger beside her said he didn't have any cash but really wanted to join the mile high club?

"I don't give a flying fuck."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't know why they haven't put any advertisements on the hulk

He is essentially a giant banner

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

In case any of you were wondering how the guy who had his entire left side cut off is...

He's alright now.

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

‘I was at that neo-nazi march today’ “was it any good?”

‘It was alt-right’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher goes into the principals office and tells her that a student of his, Karen, wasn't doing any assignments and sat idle throughout the class.

The principal calls Karen into his office and before he has a chance to speak she says,"Why am i in trouble? I did nothing!"

Anyone got any jokes about the Middle East?

I guess Iran out of ideas

I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids...

Just got back home and they are still here...

"Got any lube?"

"Yeah you where lucky its the last bottle."

"You really saved my ass!"

I dont want any other races in my neighborhood

There's already a marathon in July and it makes getting home a nightmare

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first date couldn't of gone any better!

At the bar she ordered sex on the beach and I had my Dickins Cider!

A man in New Mexico asked a farmer if he had any local chili peppers for sale.

Unfortunately, the farmer said he had 99 poblanos but a Hatch ain't one.

:Me - No baby I didn't get cheesey with any other girls

:Her - Oh, Oh, you think I'm Hallouminating

The other day, my wife asked me if I could help her with a puzzle. She couldn't find any edges to start with and the colors all resembled each other.

After taking a look at the puzzle, I told her to put the corn flakes back in the box

Got any problems? Call Tommy!

Hilfiger it out

I went to an unpopular drug seller. He told me I couldn't have any drugs cause he was out of stock.

It wasn't a big deal.

I was worried if my laser eye surgeon was going to be any good.

But I can’t see any problem now.

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

And They Say There Aren't Any Gentlemen Around Anymore

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I am opening the door for you because I am a gentleman."
Wife: "I AM TAKING A SHIT, YOU MORON!"
Me: "Ok, m'lady."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a scientist, I have been actively trying to develop a cure for beastiality, but I haven't had any luck. So if anyone needs me,

I'll be in my lab.

What Roses Drink?

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Joh...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

Why aren't there any pro-anti-vaxx jokes on Reddit?

Cause one year olds can't type.

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.

​

“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

So my friend told me that any girl he dates has to know how to tightrope on heels, I thought he was joking but guess who he’s dating now

No one

executioner: any last words?

prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your pardon
executioner: any last words?
prisoner: I beg your...

Me to the Pet Store Attendant: "Do you have any chameleons?"

Pet Shop Attendant: "I have no idea"

I'm not going to snack any more in 2019

I'm also not going to snack any less though

I met a brother and sister from Alabama the other day. I swear, if they were any more inbred...

They would be a sandwich.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."