The 156+ Best Any Jokes

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I could have sex with any person on the planet

I would

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

Stewardess: "Are there any doctors among our passengers?"

A man stood up and followed the stewardess.

··· After several minutes.

Stewardess: "Are there any pilots among our passengers?"

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "they're right behind you!"

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney!

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers...

I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Any one know of a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Do you know any words that end in AT?

Man 2: Gnat does.
Man 1: what does?
Man 2: yeah, what ends in AT.

My wife and I don't want any kids

My kids are upset about that decision.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?

Because he fucking hates Carols.

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't porn stars get convicted of any crimes?

Because they can always get themselves off.

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian if there are any books on paranoia.

The librarian whispers back: “They’re right behind you”

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

Me and my wife have decided we don't want any children

We will be telling them tonight.

I went on a job interview, Interviewer asks, Do you have any experience?

Me: Yes, of course, "This is my 20th interview"

Can someone get circumcised at any age

Or is there a cutoff date?

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?"

I said, "America."

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

A Man walks into a pet shop and asks the owner "Do you have any chameleons?"

(Looks around) No idea mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fella goes to a building site to see if there are any jobs going.

"Maybe," says the foreman. "Can you make tea?"

"Sure," says the fella, "I can make tea like a pro."

"Okay," says the foreman, "can you drive a forklift?"

"Fuck me!" says the fella, "how big is the teapot?!"

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Because he sucks.

When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...

I'm starting to believe him.

Any pizza is a personal pizza.

You just have to try hard, and believe in yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

y’all ever heard any monorail jokes?

i hear they make good one-liners.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad.

You just need to stab it enough times.

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

I've heard that U2 has never paid legal any legal fees

Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

At any given moment the urge to sing Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim-away...

...a whim-away,a whim-away,a whim-away...

Joke Request: Any Kid Friendly Pony Themed Knock Knock Jokes?

Hey r/Jokes,

My 2 year old daughter recently learned about knock knock jokes and she LOVES them! However, she keeps adamantly asking for a good knock knock joke about ponies, but I can't find any anywhere. Can anyone help me find a good kid friendly knock knock joke about ponies? I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have any jokes about pre-mature ejaculation

But, I hear they're coming quickly

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ...

... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

Today, the girl next door gave me her number and said I could call her any time.

I looked at her and said: "Well, that's a funny name."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

Why aren't there any Walmarts in Afganistan?

Because there's a target on every corner.

It was a day like any other at the office for Dave, when all of a sudden, a bear opens his door.

"We're out of coffee," says the Bear, and it left.

Dave was obviously surprised that a literal bear opened his door. He almost thought he may have been smoking something, but he brushed it off immediately. "Maybe someone is pulling a prank, I don't know." But later when he goes to the break r...

What can you add to any food to make it taste better?

The word "free"

Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"?

Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!

Son: Nice one, Dad.

Dad: I'm not your Dad.

Any PDA at Olive Garden is considered incest

Because when you’re here, you’re family

why was Cindrella not selected in any football club?

Because she kept running away from the ball

The hot sauce I bought didn't have any heat to it.

I was mildly disappointed.

A man brags to his friend that his dog can follow any command.

His friend decides to start with something simple. He picks up a stick, throws it, turns to the dog, and says, "Fetch!"

The dog doesn't move. In fact, he looks up at the friend and starts shouting, "Fetch, roll over, sit, stay, eat this, don't eat that! I can't stand being a dog anymore! I'm ...

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…

… but then again, neither does milk.

I never get any of the school shooting jokes

they must be aimed at a younger audience

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend didn't want to give me any.

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as ...

Why does the Toyota Prius have more accidents on record than any other car?

It's really hard to drive safe while patting yourself on the back.

Q:"Are Schrodinger joke any good?"

A: "I donno man. Depends on the observing public."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said Cold War Russia.

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

Paul: "So lads, any idea how we're gonna end 'Hey Jude'"?

John: Nah.

George: Nah.

Ringo: Nah.

Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day. They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice she isn't wearing any panties.

"Is it cooler without panties?" they ask.
She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite...

It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.

My wife said that if I got her any more stupid gifts she'd burn it.

I hope she likes her candle

Bride was stood up at the altar and decided to have the party any way.

It went off without a hitch!

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I never wear any clothes with Velcro on them.

I just can’t pull it off.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

Do you do any sports?

- Yes, I do CrossFit
- CrossFit? what’s CrossFit?
- I cross my fingers and hope the clothes fit

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

Why haven't the Democrats made any big moves towards the upcoming election yet?

Because they are Biden their time

Man went to the butchers and asked if he had any ox tales

‘Sure’ replied the butcher ‘once upon a time an ox…’

Sorry messed up title should read ‘ox tails’ whoops

Why didn’t any customers try the bed at the furniture store?

The salesman tried to sell it with a one night stand.

Why don't vampires have any friends?

They're a real pain in the neck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you could take your spouse's brain and put it in the body of any any celebrity,

you would probably get arrested for double homicide, you fucking psychopath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why they haven't put any advertisements on the hulk

He is essentially a giant banner

I went into a restaurant that said they'd serve breakfast any time...

so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance

I won't do any threesome.

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.

The passenger check-in officer asked the photon if they had any luggage.

The photon replied, "No. I'm travelling light."

Okay, we need a title for our fantasy novel involving dragons. Any ideas?

…Dragon?

It can’t just be Dragon.

Umm… Cragon?

No, that’s awful. Come on, think harder.

Umm…. Eragon?

….Bingo.

I can’t take my dog to the pond any more cuz the ducks kept attacking him.

That’s what I get for getting a pure-bread dog

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

Why can't Sherlock Holmes solve ANY crimes in Alabama?

He can't find any dental records, and all the DNA is the same for everyone.

The workers at the US (or any) Mint

Make more money than you do. Guaranteed.

I asked the pharmacist, “Do you have any medicine for pain?”

Pharmacist: Of course. Where exactly?

Me: How would I know? It’s your pharmacy.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just bought some children's books and there was no porn in any of them

I'm suing the Republican party for false advertising.

If you have chronic bad breath, don't feel any less valuable.

You are far and away best.

Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then ...

My wife said she'd fulfil any fantasy of mine.

"What about a nice mini skirt, some high heels and a tight red bra?" I asked.

She spread herself on the bed and said, "Of course, baby."

I said, "Excellent. Wait here, I'll just go and get changed."

A photon is heading to catch a plane, and the agent asks if it has any checked baggage.

"No I dont," it says. "I'm traveling light."

No, I haven't made any dementia jokes.

I would have remembered if I did

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

Why do the buildings that shelter horses never run into any problems ?

Because they’re stable

Even before being President Joe Biden could access any restricted Area

All those places are usually for Biden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barm...

Whats the first joke any father tells?

A dad joke.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk fo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.