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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."

A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"

"I will do that," says the priest.

Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that can...

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

Told the Dr I just can’t grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

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If Biden unfucks any more of Trump's mistakes any faster...

There'll be no Ivanka and Jr. by Sunday.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

Waitress: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: What font is this?

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Asked my French friend if he played any video games

He said "wii"

If I could be any super hero I'd be Aluminum man

That way I could foil the bad guys

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

Do you know why women and children are always evacuated first in any emergency situation?

So that all the men can think and come up with a solution in peace and quiet.

Source: my dad (to me on International Women's Day)

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, “This one can seat three people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?”

Why didn't the stubborn lion have any family?

He was told to swallow his pride

There’s no way Abraham Lincoln will be found guilty of any crime....

Because he’ll always be in a cent.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around..."

"That every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I have a magic pen that can write any color.

Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.

After i saw my neighbor standing naked by the window I knew it couldn‘t get any better

I had just peeked

Priest: Do you have any idea who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: Don’t make this about you.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

Personally, I'm not into any impreg kink myself but...

Y'know... knock yourself up.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

Couldn't find any round pies for Pi Day!

My baker insists pie are squared

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you. . ."

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery.

Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

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What food decreases sex drive more than any other?

Wedding cake.

I don't see any reason not to print more money.

Tell me one and I'll give you a Trillion Zimbabwe Dollars.

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Does anyone know any good groundhog day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over...

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Why can't any billionaires buy the universe?

Because it's too *expansive*

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I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

What do you call a alligator without any legs

Anything you want, it can't run after you

Why doesn't santa have any children?

Cos he only comes once a year and that's down the chimney

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I thought you said we didn’t have any bread?

No, I said we had Naan.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

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There wasn’t any parking at the Sex Addict Support Group

So everybody came on the bus

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

I can work the lyrics of “Uptown Funk” into any conversation I have.

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

Can any redditor change a lightbulb on Valentine's Day?

Yes, since it needs only a single one to do it.

Why didn't Johnny Lawrence's sensei have any children?

Irons became so popular in the 1960s that not a single girl had a Kreese in her pants.

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

Why don't you see any pregnant Barbies?

Because Ken CAME in another box....

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

I won't date just any font;

It has to be my type.

I just joined a foot fetish group, but I'm not having any luck connecting with anyone.

Everybody I meet, it seems like I'm getting off on the wrong foot.

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Guy walks into a bar and bets the owner $500 that he can stand on one end and piss without getting any on the bar.

The owner takes the bet because the bar is about fifty feet long. So the guy whips it out and sure enough he only pisses about 4 feet all over the bar. The owner laughs as he collects his money and cleans up the bar. He asks the guy who pissed why he seems so happy.

The guy says: “You see tha...

What’s a service you can’t get any more in Myanmar?

A burma shave

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Capitol Police not fire any shots?

They didn't know where to aim because there were no black people.

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going m...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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A man walks into a psychiatrist office and says "I cant seem to make any friends"

"Do you think you can help me you fat fuck?"

Boss said he’d fire me if I made any more country puns

It was the end of my Korea

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light."

You don't need any training to be a garbage collector

You just pick it up as you go

My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was suprised about this

It was a four gone conclusion

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Ask Any Librarian, What’s The Opposite of Capitalism?

lowercasism

My roommate has major FOMO that he doesn't have any GameStop stock that he can sell

...so I offered to lend him some, of course he'd have to give it back to me eventually

What do you call a snake without any clothes on?

Snake-ed.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news...

What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings?

Meetless Mondays

This is a good joke to play on others. Pretend you're trying to solve a crossword puzzle- and say aloud "Postman -blank-. Any ideas?"

They'll likely say something like "Postman Pat" to which you reply- "no that doesn't fit.".

Then- if they're not completely thick- they should ask "How many letters?" and you tell 'em "A SACKFUL!"

Then they'll leave in disgust.

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.



They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I ...

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

2020 was the first year I didn't go on any trip due to COVID. Hopefully in 2021..

I would not be able to go on a trip just because I have no money.

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

T‌‌he U‌‌S i‌‌s h‌‌aving s‌‌o m‌‌any d‌‌isasters a‌‌nd t‌‌ragedies

Y‌‌ou'd a‌‌lmost t‌‌hink i‌‌t w‌‌as b‌‌uilt o‌‌n t‌‌op o‌‌f t‌‌housands o‌‌f a‌‌ncient i‌‌ndian b‌‌urial g‌‌rounds.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

I cant recollect names of any African countries..

Kenya?

My jokes never get any upvotes........

I demand a recount.

Are there any foods that start with 'th'?

Thoup and thauthages

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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

The doctor asked his patient “Do you experience any signs of paranoia?”

The patient responded “No. Why? Who told you to ask that??”

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

Why do you never see any disabled comedians?

Well, it’s called stand up comedy for a reason

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young kid from Alabama moves to New York

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Alabama"
They talk and get acquainted and the...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat?"

The librarian replies, "It rings a bell, but I don't know if it's here or not."

Call me any names you want, but I believe my country is being run by a decent and intelligent president for years already. All I could wish for is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

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The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

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When it comes to sex I've never seen a disappointed look on any woman's face.

That's the advantage of doggie style.

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A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

Got any cancer jokes for a good cause?

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is allowed here or not, but I didn't see any rule against it in the sidebar so here we go (Mods, if this isn't OK, sorry in advance).

My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer a few hours ago. Dark humor is a staple in our family, so we spent my visit in t...

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Japanese man were hired at a construction site.

The foreman shows them their task, which is to move a large pile of sand. He assigns each of the men their respective roles.

He points to the large, muscular Scotsman and says "You're in charge of shoveling".

He points to the moderately sized Italian and says "You're in charge of sweep...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,0...

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A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Rick Astley will let you borrow any Pixar movie he owns.

But he will never give you Up.

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

me: will this car fit 5 people?

**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.

**me:** damn! my homies have lots of those

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

Me: Do you remember two girls one cup?

Interviewer: I meant do you have any questions about the job...

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

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