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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream."

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”
“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

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A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,...

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

Why don't chickens tell their eggs any jokes?

Coz it would crack them up.

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Hitler asked a fortune teller what day he would die

The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you sure of that” he asked. “Any day” she replies “you die will be a Jewish holiday”

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

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There's a porn site that makes you watch 30 minutes of dwarf-MILF action before you can access any other content.

That's the bare mini-mum.

A man walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he's got any helicopter flavored potato chips.

The clerk's replies, no, sorry, we're all out...

But, I've got plane.

I can't play loud music on any instrument.

It's just not my forte.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

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Interesting fact about the Canary Islands, they don't have any canaries on them. The same is actually true about the Virgin Islands,

They don't have any canaries on the either.

I tell Dad Jokes all the time, but never get any laughs...

Probably because he is dead. :(

You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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Do you have any experience shoeing horses?

No, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it go any faster

It just made it more sluggish.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says,

“They’re right behind you”

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

Why aren't there any cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed them...

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

Why doesnt Santa have any kids?

He only "comes" once a year and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?

[remooved]

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you up.

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

The teacher asked her student : "Are there any classes you're struggling with? "

"The bourgeoisie" he said.

I don't have any jokes about large cats

If I said I did, I'd be "lion"

Why didn’t Obi Wan share any Budweisers with Anakin?

Because Anakin didn’t spare any Yuenglings

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes

because there is no delivery.

What's Chris Brown's favorite part of any song?

The beat

A 4th grade teacher told her class that she’d be willing to answer any questions that they had.

One of the girls in the back raised her hand and asked “Can a 9 year old get pregnant?”

The teacher responded “Of course not love. I don’t know why you’d even ask that?”

Then the boy sitting next to the girl yelled “I told you there’s nothing to worry about Mary”

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

Trump said he could murder someone in broad daylight and not lose any supporters.

Sadly, that was the last time he ever told the truth.

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I wasn't going to tell any jokes about mass shootings

But I figured I'd take a shot.

 

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

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What two words can piss off nearly any woman the first time you meet them?

How much?

There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.

We call her Tracey.

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

My girlfriend emailed me pictures of the first trip we took together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I might have serious emotional attachment issues.

I know the pillow has gone but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

End of dis-cushion

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children

I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

I'm sorry if you can't find any good chemistry jokes

Because all of them argon

If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

My friend was mad that I had to ask him for a quarter for the hundredth time to pay the parking meter. He asked why I never have any on me.

I told him I’ve never carried any coins before and I don’t ever plan to start. I don’t like change.

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

I went to the doctor because I can't remember any 80's music...

I asked him what's The Cure?

He said, oh no, its worse than I thought...

Why can't any of 7 Dwarfs drink alcohol?

They're miners.

What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

I'm so grateful to say I don't drink any more.

But, I don't drink any less.

If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man...

...my super power would be foiling crime.

What does a white person call it when there aren't any other white people in the room?

Cracker-lackin'

Why doesn’t America have any knock knock jokes?

Because Freedom always Rings!

Why doesn't Piglet have any friends?

He plays with Pooh!

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood?

He uses his spider census.

There's not really any training for garbagemen.

They just pick things up as they go.

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

Why didn’t Bob own any gloves?

Because he didn’t have any hands.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Not Bob.

What rock group has four members that don't play any music?

Mount Rushmore!

Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms?

Everything is finger licking good.

There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun

All other vampires pale in comparison

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

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A wife asks her husband, why they don’t have sex any more? The husband answers, “It could be one of two things. One, either I’m too drunk to have sex with you”

“ or two, I’m not drunk enough. “

Keep your money away from any balloons

Otherwise it will be affected by inflation.

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

I thought the bar I entered might be a bit rough when the doorman asked if I had any weapons on me...

I said I didn't, so he gave me a few to choose.

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

It wasn't any easy decision, but against all peer pressure, my wife and I have decided we don't want children.

The kids were crying when we left them at the gas station.

My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

Why aren't you supposed to tell any jokes at prom?

The punch line is always too long

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

Why aren't there any thugs in space

Because there's zero G's

Little Girl says to her Mum, I want to donate a lot of the clothes I don't wear to all of the little girls that don't have any, Mum says who are these Girls??

You know, the ones on Daddy's computer.

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

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A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'

The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'

The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
...

I've decided not to do drugs any more.

I mean I'm not doing them any less, but it's something.

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

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a woman asks 400 men if any one can tell her what a clitoris is??

after a few minutes one bloke raises his hand and says
is it an anagram for solicitor?

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

I walked into the doctors office and he said "pick a star sign any star sign" I said umm Capricorn

He no you got Cancer

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

Schrodinger couldn't stand the suspense any longer and finally decided to open up the box after a month to see if the cat was alive or dead...

So as it turns out, curiosity did kill the cat.

Hey do any of you remember the joke about the boomerang?

Don't worry, it'll come back to you :)

Held up at gunpoint, Murderer asks if I have any last words

Murderer: “Well, what are they?”

Me: “Um, it’s a bit embarrassing”

Murderer: “Just spit it out, you’re about to be dead anyway”

Me: “Alright then. I’ve lived my life without a family, without a wife, and without any love. I have a good job, stable income, and even recently bough...

To any new parent!

Use the old age filter on your kid.

Print it out, frame it and display it where they will see it daily.

At some point they will realise it's them.

Convince them they're a time traveller

Did you ever realize that they never say Yoda's last name in any Star Wars movie?

Its Leyheehoo.

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I met this strange woman at the bar last night and we went back to her place to have sex. Now, I don't know if any of you know what a "screamer" in the bedroom is...

...but she had never been with one before and it really freaked her out.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

If I stay at someone's house and they don't have any bread available come breakfast time I will refuse to stay any longer

I'm lack toast intolerant

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“I’m not like any other girls”

Yeah no shit Dad.

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Gay jokes are not funny any more.....

I mean, come on guys.

What do you call people who are really into feet but can’t get any?

In soles

When I was a kid the police came to the church to ask if anyone knew any child molesters.

The priests fingered me.

One time I was telling jokes to my pacifist friend, but he didn't like any of them.

I guess he didn't like punchlines

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I’m not a little boy any more

On a boys birthday he says to his mother I’m not a little boy anymore, the mother nods and understands.

Well, the mother says for dinner I guess you don’t want chicken nuggets anymore.

No, no, no, says the boy but instead I can have a grown up knife and fork.

Well, the mother s...

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.

Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons. 1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

A Sergeant-Major asks his platoon whether any of them are interested in music

When four hands go up, the Sergeant-Major says "Right, lads! You can carry this grand piano up to the officers' mess."

I got to change the name of any country.

Now i live in Constant fear.

What Roses Drink?

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.

She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny?

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Joh...

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

Why doesn’t Snow White have any children?

She’s still waiting for her prince to cum

Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?

Sales Rep: For what? 

Customer: No, two. 

Sales Rep: Two what? 

Customer: Yes. 

Sales Rep: No.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

Anyone want any copies of chiropractic monthly?

I've got loads of back issues.

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said "Try Sarah Topps!"

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

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