You shouldn't see any horror movie today

It May, Fri 10 you

Edit (after 9 hours) : I am so very sorry I posted this too late. I am reading a lot of comments saying they can't tell this to anyone now since it's now the 11th. I had been waiting a long time for this and set up calendar reminders and everything but didn't see the remind...

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes

because there is no delivery.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Hitler asked a fortune teller what day he would die

The fortune teller assures him he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you sure of that” he asked. “Any day” she replies “you die will be a Jewish holiday”

Why didn’t the antivaxx kid get any upvotes.

Because he died in new.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

I was stopped at the border by a guard who asked me "do you have any weapons?"

I said, "what do you need?"

In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

There's not really any training for garbagemen.

They just pick things up as they go.

Did you know that the canary islands don't actually have any canaries? Its the same with the virgin islands...

There are also no canaries

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gay jokes are not funny any more.....

I mean, come on guys.

I refuse to give any of my money to the homeless for two reasons. 1) They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

2) I need it for drugs and alcohol.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,...

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Flat-Earthers always change what they say about the Flat Earth for their convenience. Luckily there aren't any other groups that do that.

Thank God.

[On a date] Her: So, Do you know any other languages?

Him: I don’t speak French, but I know a little German.

Her: Really?

Him: Yes. He’s 3 feet 8, and he lives next door.

Why does Santa Claus not have any kids?

Mrs. Claus doesn’t like the North Pole

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

Why doesn’t scientology have any coal workers?

because sects with miners is illegal

Did you hear about the man who had a dog without any legs?

Yeah, he called him cigarette.

He takes him out every night for a drag.

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

I didn’t get any sleep last night...

because I was trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia.

Anyone want any copies of chiropractic monthly?

I've got loads of back issues.

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

What are you if you don't like someone without any toes?

Lactose intolerant

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

If you ever have a problem, ask any chemist.

They will always have a solution.

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

People always ask me if I know any foreign languages...

I feel like saying no will make me look stupid, so I say: “Well, I do know a little Hebrew.”

This always surprises people, since Hebrew doesn’t seem like a popular language: “Oh really?!” They always reply.

To that I respond: “Yeah, he’s about 4 feet tall.”

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing,

But all it does is pants.

A priest asks a convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you hold my hand?"

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

I don't think it's any exaggeration to say that hyperbole is the greatest word in the world

I will fight anyone who disagrees with me.

Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover?

Everybody could tell he was a plant

My friends are always doing cocaine but I keep telling them I don't want any

I just like to smell it sometimes

When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.

But apparently he just swallows his pride.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The cops told me they’d arrest me if I masturbated to any porn star that wasn’t Scottish, but I did it anyway

I got off Scot-free

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

How any tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh ?

Ten.

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grape...

The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

Why aren't there any Wal Marts in Afghanistan?

Because there is a Target on every corner.

I can't hold in any of these spoilers any longer...

...Snape kills Dumbledore. The Titanic sinks. Brazil lost to Germany.

What do you call any number other than twelve?

A dozen't

I didn’t think it was any big achievement, but...

This doctors note says I haven’t used my muscles in so long, I’m getting a trophy!

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

If I were any more attractive

I would be much less competent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them...

Except up, he's never going to give you up.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Anyone Know Any Jokes With The Number 303?

I've had quite a trip finding one.

Why can't taxidermied animals eat any more?

Because they're stuffed.

Why don't robots have any brothers?

Because they only have trans-sisters

Did you hear kim jung-un doesnt cry at any funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

I don't have any problems with drugs...

I'll try any of them.

Why aren't there any white jokes?

No one wants to get on the shooter's bad side.

My Doctor told me "Don't eat any thing fatty".

I said "like cheeseburgers and french fries?"

He Said "No Fatty. Don't eat anything."

An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'

The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

In a random chat a woman I never met messaged me "You are rather gifted at analingus." I was shocked, I never met her, and I didn't think she communicated with any of my former partners.

Then she messaged correction analogies.

The hairdresser was washing my hair, she said "Do you want any conditioner?"

I said, "Extra volume?" and she said "DO YOU WANT ANY CONDITIONER?!"

A patient walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says “pick a star sign, any star sign” so the patient goes “Capricorn”...

The doctor goes “nahh you’ve got cancer”

A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

If any of you can teach me how to fix a broken hinge...

My door is always open.

The mailman explained to me why I’m not receiving any mail.

I just don’t get it.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you could have sex with any dead celebrity, who would it be?

I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

Know any jokes about Sodium?

Na

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

I can't see an end. I have no control, and I don't see any escape. I"m not even sure I have a home anymore....

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Why aren't there any vampires in Africa?

Because vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

A man is stuck inside a public restroom without any toilet paper.

He calls over to the man in the next stall, “Hey, you got any extra toilet paper in there?”

​

“No,” replies the man.

​

“You got any newspaper over there?” the stranded man asks.

​

“Nope,” the second man replies.

&#...

I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite...

He said NaBrO

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

Did you know you can fit any boat over your head like a hat, if you just flip it over?

That's how you make it cap-sized...

Does anyone know any good anti-vax forums?

I keep joining one, but they all die down after a couple years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

Any good 9/11 jokes

or do they not land well?

I can stop any pipe from leaking

Just by giving it a tap

How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it 23 times.

Why aren't there any NSFW posts in r/antivax

Because none of them are 18+

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.

​

She's still waiting for a long stick.

I yelled at my coworker yesterday because he couldn't spare me any change.

Some people have no common cents.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."
The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

If people from Alabama were any more inbred

They would be sandwiches.

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients

His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "No not really".

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

The weakest point of any car is...

the nut holding the steering wheel.

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