A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces?

Boeing... Boeing

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

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I entered my son's room and said "remember boy masturbating can make you go blind"

"I'm over he dad" he replied

How do you describe your jewish friend who makes alcohol?

He Brew

How does the Hulk make extra money?

He flips cars.

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

Why do piano players make great lovers.?

They get the fingering right.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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A kiss might make her day...

But anal will make her hole weak

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

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A man sits next to a pretty woman on an airplane. While they’re in the air he makes conversation...

... “so where are you flying to”? He asks.

*im going to a nymphomaniacs’ convention*

“Really” he says

*yes, I’m a teacher there... I teach about sex*

“Interesting” he says

*im doing a lecture about sexual stereotypes... for instance, everybody always says that blac...

Why do chickens make bad comedians?

Because their jokes are fowl.

A few puns make me numb.

But math puns make me number.

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What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

how do you make a hill sick?

remove the letter H

I’d make a COVID joke.

But it would be tasteless.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What does kfc use to make its popcorn chicken?

Chicken colonels.

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it

This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

I was going to make a cake day joke...

But I feel like it would have too many layers.

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

I was going to make a joke about lifting the mask mandate in Texas

but it's too soon.

I was going to make a Chemistry joke

But all the good ones Argon.

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Adam sneaks away from Eve to talk to God privately. Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?"

God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter."

Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?"

God: "No, why do you ask?"

Adam: "Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it....

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How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi


Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

How do you make 6 pounds of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it!

I was gonna make an antimasker joke.

But my parents taught me to not make fun of the mentally disabled.

For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational

People are saying he just rolled over.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Magician: I can make disappear

What sound does a square chicken make?

"Block, block."

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around..."

"That every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

How do you make 4 nice old ladies say "f*ck!"?

Have the fifth shout "bingo!"

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My wife wants to make a porno with me and I'm really excited

I'm going to be playing the husband who goes to work

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

Why do doctors make more money from circumcisions than other types of procedures?

It's the only procedure in which they collect tips!

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet

Shocking i know

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

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They say make-up sex is the best, which is good for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Musicians! How do you make one million dollars playing jazz?

You start with two mil. Ba-dum-tss!

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay.

I went to my friends house and he told me to make myself at home..

I proceeded to throw him out wasn't in the mood for visitors

Do egg jokes crack you up? Or do they make you scramble away...

omelette you think about it...

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

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I make a grand a month making cat noises with my bum

Arse miaou

What do you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer

Teacher: Make a sentence with the word, dandelion.

Jamaican Student: de Cheetah is faster dandelion

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"Why do you women use hair straightening irons?" "To make our hair look longer!"

Doctor: "How did you manage to get that burn on your penis, Sir?"

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A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

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Eddie Money, Eddie Rabbit, and Eddie Van Halen are all teaming up to make a new album!

The first ever album brought to you by Ed, Edd, and Eddie.

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Who makes more money in a week? A drug dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack :)

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

Why do fishermen make such terrible DJs?

They never let the bass drop.

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In an attempt to make up for poor sales, the Willy Wonka company is branching out and making a line if chastity belts

They're calling them "Everlasting Knob Stoppers".

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

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My wife said to me "I bet I can say something that will make you angry and proud at the same time"

I said "Go on" and she said "You have the biggest dick in this entire town".

What is it called when a dentist makes a mistake?

Accidental

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I told my hairdresser to make me look sexy.

She put down the hair clippers and started drinking.

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

What noise does a Deer make?

Depends how fast you're going.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

What makes you a great Programmer?

I am an excellent bug killer!

If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

Why don't people In wheelchairs make food by a recipe?

The recipe needs to go step-by-step

I want to make a lord of the rings themed metal band called

Nightmare on helms deep

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt...

I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...

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Reddit should make separate NSFW flairs for porn and gore..

I am tired of my boners getting ruined by those sexy ladies.

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him “Why did you make counterfeit money?”

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying “Because making real money is impossible.”

What makes terrorist jokes funny?

The execution.

My friend works in IT, and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

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Why can't you make calls at a Nazi center?

The reception isn't great

What do you call a joke that makes no sense and has no effort?

A cake day post.

I’m trying to make a joke about Gorilla Glue

But I’m stuck

How to make a woman scream with just two fingers...

Poke her in the eyes

How do you make a Swiss roll?

Push him off the Alps.

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The boss makes a dollar, while I make a dime

That's why I poop on company time.

Two factory workers are talking.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a ligh...

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