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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.

It’s usually the other way around.

If we make it past 2020, I'll be dreading 2022.

After all, 2022 is 2020, too!

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

What do you call a Rick Astley song that makes it to the front page?

A rick r/all

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

What sound does a bouncing plane make?

Boeing-Boeing-Boeing

I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it.

So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm...

Board of directors

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Trump did make one thing about America great again!

The depression.

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A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

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My girlfriend wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.

She got pissed when I stuck it in her ass and came on her face. I guess we don’t watch the same kind of movies.

Money is relative. The more money you make..

The more relatives seem to know you.

How do you make your grandma lose 2 kg ?

You empty the urn



EDIT : yeeeeess

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They say make up sex is the best

Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

What makes a pirate a pirate?

They just arrr

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A kiss might make her day.

But anal will make her hole weak.

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

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Some people on this sub come up with crappy jokes and rely on the NSFW tag to make people curious...

I'm tired of clicking only to find that it's hardly even a fucking joke

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

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What type of cake makes you no longer have sex?

Wedding cake

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

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I was gonna make a joke about my penis

but I'll get upset if all the women laugh at it

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

The most searched phrase on Google from the Minneapolis area right now is “How to make your own weapons”

Guess the cops have run out of ammo

I’m gonna go ahead and make a racist comment by saying..

I think the 400m relay is a better race than the 100m sprint.

How do you make one dissapear?

Add a G and it's Gone

How do you make Holy Water?

You Boil the hell out of it.

How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

Two to die, and one to never get over it.

A quick and easy way to make money is to sell photographs of salmon dressed up in tuxedoes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Over time, I think about all the places I’ve visited and people I’ve lost along the way. It really does make me think

Maybe I shouldn’t have become a tour guide

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

All this drama in the world. Makes me want to watch a nice light movie.

You know... Like Armageddon.

How does Jesus make his beer?

Hebrews.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Fat. You get fat.

What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

Why do nurses make bad lovers?

Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.

I tried to make a joke about pizza.

But it was too cheesy.

How does a Jewish person make tea?



Hebrews it

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

How does a hooker make a living?

Incum.

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

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I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though.

It was my bread and butter.

I want to make a trivia show for rednecks where wrong answers cost them their hair.

I'll call it "Mullet Over."

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!"

DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

Friend told me to make a joke about women

I responded: "Dude, that's such a broad subject"

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I recently read an article in a scientific journal about a little boy who was born without eyelids so they used his foreskin to make him some.

Now he’s cockeyed.

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.

So instead, a sub Reddit.

My girlfriend says she only dates highly intelligent men. I told her, "That makes sense...

...opposites attract."

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh

TEN Tickles

I'd make a school shooting joke but...

...most of them are already dead

What makes a good tongue twister?

Well it’s hard to say.

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

I wanted to make a joke about sodium hydride.

But then I was like NaH, they won't get it either.

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything,

it made him more sluggish.

How do aliens make babies?

They have SpaceX

Don’t make fun of fat people

They already have enough on their plate

Just lost my brother today please make me laugh

Title says it all. My brother passed away this morning. Please make me laugh

One bird can’t make a pun.

But toucan.

Women call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

R* doesnt need to make gta 6

We are living it

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches...

Turns out it doesn't, it just make a lot of noise and poops on the floor.

Not to make light of the gravity of the situation,

But this quarantine has really brought my wife and I closer together.

We have both gained so much weight that we are increasingly attracted to one another, by gravity.

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

80% of Swedish nationals report enjoying the lockdown despite having initially rejecting it. They say it makes them more productive.

Personally, I think it’s just a case of Stuckhome syndrome.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called?

Mr Yeast

My broken English makes ladies live while smiling

I mean, they leave while smiling

I was going to make a chemistry joke

But I arrived too late and all the good ones argon

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Calling your penis life makes sense.

You can say life is hard every morning jo matter how you feel

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What sort of Bees make Milk?

Boobees

How can a woman make you a millionaire?

First you have to be a billionaire

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Did this make you laugh?

A man takes his Bulldog to the vet and says “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?” The vet thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well, let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. At long last, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Wh...

Axe should make a deodorant called "English."

Then if you wear it you can say you have an "English Axe scent."

Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite...

It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.

Why do the French make omelettes with only one egg?

Because in France one egg is un oeuf.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

There was a monk helping make breakfast for the monastery,

and remembered you dont have to use a spatula to flip pancakes. Next thing he knew it was out of the frying pan and onto the friar.

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.




How do you make the baby stop crying?

*Drop it again*

My 5 y/o daughter is always making up jokes that often make no sense. She had success with this one liner last night.

She said, "Hey dad, if you were a bubble, you could blow yourself."

Gave us a good laugh.

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Watching porn always makes me insecure....

Even though i know the girls are especially selected for their small hands.

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