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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”

So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.

When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”


The woman says, “Just wait and see.”


She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.


The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”


The woman replies...

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I don't normally make fun of somebody's race, but someone has to say it.

FUCK the 100 meter dash. It's just a weaker version of every other race.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boo Bees

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

I don’t usually like to make jokes about elements

But I do periodically

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

While most puns make me feel numb,

mathematics puns make me feel number.

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

What makes a gun a shotgun?

Pulling the trigger.

Onions make you cry

My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?


What's the fastest way to make your wife angry?

Refer to them as your ex-girlfriend

I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

What noise do sheep make where Yoda’s from?


Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

You should never make fun of a a fat person with a lisp.

They’re probably thick and tired of it.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy

You add spring water

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

How does Palpatine make paper mache.

Glue it.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no.

They're going to kill me anyway and I'd love to die the way I lived : avoiding manual labor.

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My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

What sound does a 747 make when it hits the ground?


My girlfriend said to me:"I want you to make love to me like a man ..."

... and I said: "But I've never made love to a man before!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a confession to make:

I masturbate in the shower.


It feels good to come clean.

Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?

Of course, if he’s a billionaire.

Why would a tree make an awful Uber?

They can’t decide on a route.

How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step?

Replace the T with an I.

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

Why would Helen Keller make a bad driver?

Because she’s dead.

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

I decided to make my password “incorrect”

Because if I type it wrong, my computer will remind me with: “your password is incorrect”.

Why do necromancers make such good friends?

Because they're great at raising people's spirits.

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

How does Thanos make a snapping noise with the infinity gaunlet?

When he snaps his cheeks clap.

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

How do you make a small fortune in a casino?

You start off with a large fortune!

How any tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh ?


How do you make Holy Water ?

By boiling the hell out of it!

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

How to make a good joke

Wait this isn’t google

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.


“And did he make me too?” she asks next.


“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.


“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kiss makes my day

But anal makes my hole weak

What makes the sun so smart?

A million degrees

I wanted to make a joke to my buddy about Indian food...

But he was having naan of it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make a woman scream after an orgasm?

Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike.

Unfortunately the result was unbearable.

I was gonna make a joke about La Croix

But it would be tasteless

A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

How does Jesus make his coffee?

He brews it

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet.

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Matthew McConaghey’s Car can’t make left turns...

It only goes, Alright, alright, alright.

It is true, the story that you have heard is true. Women make 80 cents for every a dollar a man makes.

How is a man supposed to survive on 20 cents?

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Make You Laugh, Make You Cry

A man walks into a bar and approaches a patron he points out the window to a nearby donkey and says, “I bet you 5 bucks I can make that donkey laugh”. The patron thinks it over and agrees, “you’re on, there’s no way you can make that donkey laugh”. The man walks outside and approaches the donkey, th...

Where do you learn how to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband said to his wife, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

His wife replied, "Well, you have the biggest penis out of all of your friends."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If no homo makes you no gay, what makes you gay?

J.K. Rowling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

I tried to make a good cooking joke

But I ran out of thyme

If two wrongs don’t make a right, what do two rights make?

An airplane.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

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The little old lady who makes bets with bank presidents (NSFW)


A little old grey-haired lady went into the bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the pr...

Me [whispering]: don’t tell my wife I tried to make bacon in the toaster....

Wife [getting out of the car]: what the hell happened????????????........................
[all 6 firemen in unison]: he tried to make bacon in the toaster.....

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

never make fun of a man who drinks black coffee..

you will become the victim of a dark roast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd make a joke about my small penis

But I'm too big for that.

It’s clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...

She’s transparent.

When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure that you are telling them the whole joke.

Because it’s very hard to tell them a part.

Why can’t DC make a black joker?

The first time the police would catch him, he’d be shot and killed.

They told Beethoven he couldn’t make music because he was deaf

but he didn’t listen

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

I’ll probably get hate for this one but I swear it’s the only one I know.

Why do barnyard animals make for more reliable friends?

They’re stable

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I piss on the side of the bowl to make less noise

But that doesn't stop my brother from asking me what I'm doing to his cereal.

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"One Man's Junk" would make a good name for a pawn shop.

Also for a gay bar.

We shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They already have enough on their plate.

If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?

Why can’t you make jokes about maizes?

They’ll always be corny

Why do anti-vaxxers make bad hitmen?

Because they can never take the shot!

They should make a sequel to 'The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas'

They could call it 'The Striped Pyjamas'

My parents used to make me walk the plank..

..we couldnt afford a dog

Women call me Ugly until they find out how much Money I make

Then they call me Ugly and Poor.

I was going to make a joke about mumble rap

But you wouldn’t understand it.

How do you make time fly?

Throw a clock

How does NASA make a party?

They just planet

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

Today I learned that heat makes things expand

Your mom is REALLY hot

How did Pavlov make his hair so soft?

He conditioned it

They say drugs make you lie..

I want whatever our politicians have.

My job makes me feel like a prostitute.

I'm paid whorribly

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

I’d make a joke about foot wear but...

I probably shoe-dent

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.