UPJOKE
getdocreateestablishhaveurinateclearbringearnrealizetakegiveproduceprepareact

Make Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

Why don’t Americans make jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oral sex will make your day,

but anal sex will make your hole weak.

Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?

Of course, if he’s a billionaire.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

Robot Bartender makes a great Martini

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, climate change, and AI m...

How does Rob Zombie make brownies?

EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!



Edit - Yes I understand it would be better with CAKE and not BROWNIES.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?

Because they're all Veteran Aryans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

Then Soviet

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

How does an alchemist make his wife happy?

Elixer

My wife and I make love doggy style...

I sit up and beg, she lies down and plays dead.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

A blonde wants to make some money

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to p...

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference

For instance,

“Let’s eat, Bob.”

has a completely different meaning from

“Bob is in a coma.”

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

If wanting to be alone makes you an introvert, and wanting to be with people makes you an extrovert,

wanting to be with cats must make you a purrvert.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

A police officer spots a car parked in a popular make-out spot late one night, and decides to investigate.

He sees a young man behind the wheel reading a newspaper and a young woman in the passenger seat knitting. This is a puzzling sight, so he decides to find out more about these individuals.

"How old are you?" he asks the guy.

"Twenty-one, officer," he replies

"What about you?" ...

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?

They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
^^^^First ^^^^gold ^^^^for ^^^^this?

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomorrow

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

On their wedding night, a die-hard golfer makes a confession to his new bride.

"Dearest, I love you more than I can say." He paused. "But I also love golf. And I want you to know that every possible weekend, every vacation, every dollar of disposable income, I will spend on golf, golf memberships, golf vacations, golf clubs.

I know you knew some of this, but I wanted to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pineapple makes your semen taste better

The reverse is not true.

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"

The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...

Who has no choice to strip to make ends meet?

Electricians

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

Why did god make it so painful to give birth?

So for once, women get to know what it’s like for a man to have the flu

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

Crows make black babies. Doves make white babies. What makes no babies?

Swallows.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

I’d make a COVID joke.

But it would be tasteless.

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

Beer makes you smarter

Well, it made Budweiser.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

You hear what happened when the triangle tried to make all its angles 90 degree?

Didn't end well, I hear it's a wrecked angle now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ME: "We should make a sextape."

G.FRIEND: "You finish so fast, it would be a GIF."

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a difficult confession to make: I sometimes masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie...

I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.

Laughing the boss agrees.

The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.

The boss angrily gives him the $500.

The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.

The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake...

What do you call a joke that doesn’t make sense?

To get to the other side.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grammar makes all the difference...

Grammar makes the difference between "Help your uncle Jack off of the horse.", and "Help your uncle jack off the horse.".

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

While most puns make me feel numb...

...Math puns make me feel number.

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

What sound does a mechanical frog make?

Rrrrrobot

Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It’s the only time I’m ever wanted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

Make her laugh and you’ll have her heart.

Unless she’s laughing at your bank account……

r/jjokes

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.