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Oral sex will make your day,

but anal sex will make your hole weak.

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

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Why women make better assassins....

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you...

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”


Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife w...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.

But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy

You add spring water

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..

..they make me feel even number.

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

How do they make honey in the Middle East?

From a shawarma bees

If you make money selling Indian bread...

You run a Naan Profit Organization.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods...

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

If dentists make all their money from bad teeth...

....why should we use toothpaste that 8 out of 10 dentists recommend.

What sound does a german snake make

ßßßßßßßß

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder...

...why did he wait so long?

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The build up is what makes it

So a priest walks down from the church into the market.

he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.

he had never seen fish like these.

so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"

boy replies "sons of bitches"

priest says" you shou...

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Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory....

Beer doesn’t make you fat

It makes you lean; against walls, doors, toilets, etc.

For every Dollar a man makes a woman makes 70 cents. That's really unfair.

That only leaves the man with 30c.

How does one make a pirate very angry?

By taking away his "p".

The Abominable Snowman is sad because everyone runs from him when he tries to make friends....

Yeti still tries :)

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

What's 12 inches long, stiff and makes women scream in the morning?

Crib death.

Why do people with no arms make bad comedians?

Because they haven't got a funny bone in their body.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates’ divorce today, but I stopped myself...

It’s not really PC

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

A pair of blackbirds make baby blackbirds and bluebirds make baby bluebirds.. which ones make no babies at all?

Swallows

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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How do you make virgin olive oil?

You boil the fuck out of it.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

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Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit....

Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.

Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and then shakes his head. “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces?

A hobbler

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

How does Moses make coffee?

Hebrews it

Apparently, COVID makes your sense of hearing and your logic weaker.

I mean, have you seen this year's Eurovision!?

How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

my mom was comforting my younger sister after she lost her phone, saying sometimes mistakes happen but they make our futures better...

and i, very loudly, stated "she's talking about me"

What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time?

A shartcut

How do you make an idiot confused

24

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

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My friends said they'd only make porn if the women weren't professionals

Fucking amateurs

Being afraid of Germans makes one a......

Klaustraphobe ?
or a Germophobe.......

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

My teacher asked my to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

Don’t make fun of fat people

It’s already hard enough for them to get up in the morning

How you make glowworm happy?

You cut of its tail and its delighted.

Why did the blonde make her password "BatmanRobinBatgirlJokerHarelyIvyOslo"?

Because the rules said it needed to contain at least 6 characters and include at least 1 capital!

If canned goods were to expire, would that make them canned bads?

Alright alright I’ll show myself out.

What sounds do lasers make in a church?

Pew pew pew!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was ...

It finally makes sense, the tiny bite out of the Apple logo resembles

Their corporate tax contribution.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?

You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.

When someone forcibly makes you buy shares in their company, but you begin to sympathise with them

Would that be called stockholder syndrome?

Why do dinosaurs make bad pets?

Because they’re all dead.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Let's make a list

Let's make a list of all the reasons why the chicken crossed the road!

Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you can't break the ice.

Asked Mother whether it was okay to make fun of her age now.

She asked if i even knew how old she was, told her

"No, carbon dating is expensive"

How to make your steak taste better?

Eat it with bunch of vegans on the dinner table.

I heard germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal in their highways

It's going to be called auto-ban

I asked the IT guy at work, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

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How do you make jerk chicken?

Give him a red hat and an outdated election flag.

What bacon makes you sneeze?

Peppa Pig

I used to love hearing people make Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to too.

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

My coworker makes pennies.

We work at a mint.

How do you make one disappear?

You add a "g" and it's gone!

If you wanted to make pickle bread,

you'd have to start out with dill dough.

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

A friend of mine mentioned how his former lover always makes him wait in line,

and I was like "ex queue's you"?

Which specific body part makes a ton of movie blockbusters?

This knee.

What body part makes the best student?

The eye, because it’s a good pupil!

Customizable joke to make fun of any town

A little guy walks into a bar in <insert town> and says to the bartender, "You want to hear a <insert town> joke?

The bartender says, "Before you start, buddy, I want you to know that I am 6'2", 210 pounds and I am a native of <insert town>. See that guy coming out of the b...

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood.

He's typo.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

I didn't make it at the sandpaper factory

boss said I didn't have enough Grit

I heard someone make an execution joke

They nailed it.

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian,

Then soviet.

How do you make a hormone?





Don't pay her......



I'll see myself out

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

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