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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

I’d make a COVID joke.

But it would be tasteless.

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

I would make a joke about how yo mama so fat...

But we shouldn't talk about the elephant in the room.

I was going to make a salt joke

But Na, people won’t get it

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.

But I decided it was poor taste.

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Because of my cakeday, I'm going to make a joke about cake

You butter believe it

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

Don't make fun of obesity

It's too big of a matter to be taken lightly.

At first I thought it weird that Joe Biden wanted to make his press secretary staff all women

But then I remembered that meant he didn't need to pay them as much

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

I called the library to try to make a reservation...

But they said they were fully booked.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

How do you make a pirate angry?

By taking away the P.

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

I’m thinking about learning how to make mirrors

It’s something I could really see myself doing

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

What makes an Isis joke good?

The execution

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

If apple were to make a car...

Would it still have windows?

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

Ask someone: What sound does a dead duck make?

Then just stare at them silently until they get it.

I was going to make a communism joke

But It’s only funny if everyone gets it.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn't make it on time?

Omelette

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

I would make a joke about Apple...

but the punchline is sold separately

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

So I've been a little bored and my wife suggested I make a bird table.

Well...she's not happy. I've just finished tabulating all the points and she's in fifth place.

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

I never thought my love life would make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face....

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

How do you make a hormone?

Don’t pay her.

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They say make up sex is the best...

Which is lucky, as all my sex is made up.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

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I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

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NSFW Who makes more money - drug dealers or prostitutes?

Prostitutes. They can wash their crack and sell it again.

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective?

He always had a hunch.

Americans, Before You Make Fun of Kids This Christmas for Believeing in Santa,

Remember, Almost 70 Millions of You Believed in Trump.

What do you call a dish that makes your taste buds explode?

A bomb appetit...



My friend forced me to tell the world about my dumb joke.

God, I'm awful, sorry about that!

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

They told me I would never make it as a comedian

Well, no one's laughing now

How does a snowman make you laugh?

It gives you an icetickle

I used to work at a steakhouse, one of my duties is to make sure that the G on the neon Angus sign outside doesn't go out.

They call me the G-spotter.

Why did God make pubes curly?

To reduce the risk of eye injuries

How does Jesus make wine?

Hebrews it.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

"BOEING!"

I wanted to make a team for a Pro Hide and Seek Game

But good players are hard to find

Beethoven was told he wouldn't he able to make music. But did he listen?

No

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Did you know having sex makes it harder to remember past events from that day

I read it somewhere today, I just don’t remember when or why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

What sound does a french cow make?

Moux

What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and makes everyone go crazy?

A $100 bill

I can proudly say I make myself dinner almost every night.

The bad news is that I work at a pizza place.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

I was going to make a joke about the result of the US election

But I don't think you would ever get it

I don’t know why people think Trump can’t make a deal...

He makes a big deal out of everything.

When is my wife's favorite day to make love?

Tomrorow

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Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?

Ancient Greece

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

You know where they make those little cola cans?

Out in Minisoda

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

You shouldn’t make fun of pets with artificial limbs.

It’s a faux paw

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they're always too quick to retweet.

I tried to make a LGBTQ+ joke

But nobody got it straight

Here comes my ban.......

I would make a joke about kobes death...

but I dont think it would land well

There is one common point between dark humor and make-a-wish kids...

It's that they will never get old

If Bill Gates makes a COVID-19 vaccine what will it be called?

COVID-19 Defender XP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kiss makes my whole day

Anal makes my hole weak

State Farm should make a cologne called "Jake" by State Farm.

It could smell like khakis

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

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