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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

I want to make a joke about misogyny

But I'm a woman, and I can't make jokes.

Death does make you closer to God

because now you don't exist either.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

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How do you make a hormone?

You fuck her.

English puns make me numb.

But Math puns make me number.

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Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

how many tickles does it take to make a waifu laugh?

ten tickles

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

And name it ElonGates

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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I’ve helped make men’s dicks hard.

No, I’m not hot, I just donate a lot of blood.

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has came up with a new machine to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others , they have named it in honour of Putin who funded the project

It is called RARA’s Grasp-Putin, Russia’s greatest glove machine

How to make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it

What makes communist jokes so difficult?

You have to make sure that everyone gets them.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

I said “I love you” to my cake.

It burst into tiers.

Edit: rip my inbox!

Edit 2: so many awards but no gold? I dare you to gild me. Go ahead, make my day!

Edit 3: Guys I was being sarcastic and referencing the movie Sudden Impact (cries in being old). Whoever gilded me just wasted their coins but still, thanks...

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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound russian

Then soviet

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Tried to translate a Turkish joke, hope it makes sense

Temel and his wife Fadime were at an amusement park. Fadime asked Temel if she could swing on the swing set. He refused, saying that other people would be able to see her panties. She asked him several times but Temel said no.

Minutes passed by and Temel had to use the restroom. When he got b...

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My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time?

Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".

An old Joke that used to make my friends laugh.

Disclaimer: I am using nationalities, but I mean no offense or disrespect.

3 men die and are sent to hell. American, Bhuddist monk and a russian. They meet the devil. The sevil says:

"I will allow you to leave and go to heaven, if you can endure 3 lashes from my whip without screaming...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

My friend told me I could make six figures as a sculptor

He was technically right, but I still feel mislead

Being in Finland in these times makes me feel so good.

Lots of indoor finns.

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

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Disney makes female hips very big, anime makes female boobs very big

And america makes female waists very big

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

Then I said "Your beard makes you look thinner"

.....but that didn't seem to cheer her up

How often do you make chemistry jokes?

Periodically

I was gonna make a joke about Sodium in chemistry.

But Na...

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

My mum said I couldn’t make a car out of durum wheat flour...

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

Title that makes you click the post

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and...

Magician: I can make anything disappear!

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.

Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.

But I don't think that anything would make my Budweiser.

Why can’t two Chinese parents make a white child

Two Wongs don’t make a white

Two rednecks were fishing when one asked the other "If I slept with your wife, wouldn't that make us like family?"

His friend replied "No, that would make us even".

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I hate people who make fun of Uranus by calling it names like your anus. I always tell these people:

You're heinous.

What do you call a factory that makes great quality products?

A satisfactory

How does a cat make bread?

From scratch

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

What does a pimp gnome use to make his money?

The garden hoes.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Let's make like a baby

And head out



Sorry if this has been posted before. It's the only joke I know and I make it everyday.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

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What Kind of Bees Make Milk?

Boobies.

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I was going to make a joke about having sex with your mom,

but a hundred people already have.

Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.

It’s usually the other way around.

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

My friend has this strange condition that makes him sneeze whenever someone greets him.

He reckons it's Heyfever.

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An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

My ex girlfriend is going to make some guy really happy one day.

When she breaks up with him.

Did you hear that Peter Jackson and John Hughes planned to make a movie together?

“The Second Breakfast Club”.

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

What noise does a bug make when it hits your windshield in Moscow?

Splyat.

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense.

Refrigerator

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A girl turns to her boyfriend and says: "It doesn't matter, a small penis makes no difference"

He replies: "I know, I still wish you didn't have one"

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HR said I'm not allowed to make up names for my coworkers.

I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

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How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

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I tried to make a sex tape

I came early, so now it's a GIF.

What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

How do Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?

He loves to use his wokka wokka!

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

My sister's onlyfans makes a lot of money

I'm going to have to tell her when she finds the hidden cameras

Have you ever heard the saying two wrongs don't make a right?

My parents didn't

I just got a job at a factory that makes fire hydrants.

They would not let me park my car there.

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Trips to the dispensary always make me horny

Time to blow this joint.

How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?

Give it a nipple

What's another name for a vegetable that makes you turn and scratch

Spin itch

A crazy scientist asked strangers on Reddit to help him make a bomb

Edit: Wow this exploded! I didn't expect that, Thank you guys!

Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Me‌‌: *\*handin‌‌g bab‌‌y bac‌‌k t‌‌o him‌‌\** brin‌‌g m‌‌e th‌‌e on‌‌e m‌‌y wif‌‌e made.

Apparently Rihanna is partnering with Nike to make big shoes for women

They're calling them AirRihanna Grandes

I was about to make a joke on Hydrides of Alkali metals but I thought...

NaH

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Wife and I making bird puns in bed

We were laying in bed, when I looked over and said "hey make like a bird and swallow this dick!" She smiled and pulled my pajama bottoms off. I closed my eyes awaiting bliss, when all of a sudden she repeatedly head butts my dick. After scrambling away and gasping in pain, I looked at her and exclai...

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I just found out that manure makes a great fertilizer.

I was so excited that I shit my plants.

I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

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They say that to make a perfect cup of tea, you should agitate the bag

...so I slapped her on the arse and said, "pop the kettle on, fatty".

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

Please guys, could we not make any jokes about starving children?

I think they've got enough on their plate.

They say you should never make the same mistake twice

So I make them at least 5 times just to be sure

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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