Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk.

You shouldn’t make fun of fat people

They have enough on their plates already.

What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

I’d make a joke about this app...

But you’ve probably reddit before

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

My friend bet me $100 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic....

But I refused....

If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord!

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I had a friend that was born without eyelids, his doctor used the foreskin from his circumcision to make him some.

The surgery was a great success, he's just a little cock eyed.

How do you make Holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

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Husband: Babe can you tell me something that makes me feel good and bad at the same time?

Wife: Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick.

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How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her and tell her about it

Puns makes me numb.

Math puns make me number.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) I’m sorry, your wife didn’t make it.

Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make

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What's 6 inches long, pink and makes my girlfriend moan all day?

Her fucking tongue

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

If pronouncing my v's as b's makes me sound Russian

Then soviet.

What sound does an organic train make?

CH3COOH CH3COOH

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

How do you make a hormone?

Kick her

I Want to Make a Band called Mashed Potatoes

Then go on an Ultimate Tour with Meatloaf, Korn, Bread, Red hot Chilie Peppers, Salt-N-Pepa, The Cranberries, The Black Eyed Peas, Orange Juice, Ice Cube and Cake!

*I know a few are dead and some of them suck but I tried damn it, lol

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

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What kind of bees make milk (from my 10 yo)

Boobies

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A boy makes money from his Mom's lover

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy...

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

A wife asks her hard working husband how she can make him happy in bed...

He replies “A few more hours of sleep would be nice.”

What do you call that thing you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer.

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

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I would make a dick joke...

...but I don't have one.



(For clarification, I am a female.)

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

If people make you sick...

Maybe you should cook them longer...

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There's a porn site that makes you watch 30 minutes of dwarf-MILF action before you can access any other content.

That's the bare mini-mum.

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

I was trying to make a graph of my past relationships

It had an ex-axis and a why axis

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

I want to make a joke about dictatorship.

But I don't know whether to make it in Italian, German or English.

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

My brother said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

I threw a coconut at his face

What do you call an oak tree that can't make it's mind up?

Undeciduous

A fight breaks out between Xbox One and PS4 fans. Someone calls the cops. What sound does the siren make?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U!

After you win a fight against your enemies make sure you chop off their legs.

It’s the only true way to *defeet* them.

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"So there's a man in an elevator, and as the doors are closing, he sees this young, fine looking lady hurriedly make her way to the elevator too, so he stops the doors and lets her get on.

'Where are you headed?' he asks, standing by the buttons.

'Oh, I'm going to the clinic on the fourth floor,' the lady says, 'I'm going to go donate some eggs and make a quick hundred dollars.'

At this, the man starts to chuckle.

'What's so funny?'

'Well, it's just that I'...

I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make it go any faster

It just made it more sluggish.

If you donate to Make A Wish, a kid gets to meet John Cena

But if you don't, they'll get to meet Macho Man Randy Savage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

I said to a man that there was no subject I couldn’t make a joke about

“Beavers, he said”

I said “dam”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

Do you have a friend that can make an ark?

I Noah guy.

If life gives you lemons make lemonade...

If life gives you melons your dyslexic.

My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"

And that's when the fight started

If two lefts don’t make a right, what do two rights make?

Airplanes.

How does a Jewish man make coffee?

Hebrews it.

What sound does an Australian cow make?

OOW

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

How does Micheal J Fox make a milkshake?

With only the finest ingredients.

Every woman wants a man who can make her laugh.

Too bad for me every woman finds nothing funnier than a million dollars in the bank.

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

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A man says to his wife "honey, I bet you can't tell me something that makes me both happy, and sad, at the same time..."

Without almost no hesitation "you have the biggest penis, out of all of your friends."

What do you call a pain reliever that makes you curse?

I be profane.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

How do you make a sandwich in Venezuela?

Put your meat coupon between two bread coupons.

I want to make mirrors for a living

Its something I could really see myself doing

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

My Scottish girlfriend was feeling homesick so I decided to try and make a homemade haggis to cheer her up.

I thought I had a fairly strong constitution but as soon as I starting mixing the heart, lungs and kidneys I realised I didn't have the stomach for it.

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A dog walks into a bank. "I'd like to make a de-paw-sit."

-"Haha thats funny!"
-"You think my finances are a fucking joke, Jessica?"

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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What makes Hitler and Jake Paul different

Hitler knew when to kill himself

Man makes a toast

Man hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, , “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye ...

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They say alcohol makes you horny.

But I can’t even get my dick in the bottle.

When you are telling a story to identical twins, make sure you tell them the complete version.

It’s very difficult to tell them a part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom doesnt want me to play videogames because she said it makes you violet

Well I don't believe her bullshit. I'm light brown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

It sucks when people make one mistake and get fired.

A very sad day today. After SEVEN years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice gu...

Jeff Bezos has promised to make his company carbon neutral and meet the goals of climate change.

But really I think there's only one Amazon that he cares about.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

TIL when some beers pour, they make a distinct melody.

I would try use math to predict which, but I have never been good with lager rhythmic functions.

Why do skaters make terrible pirates?

Because they always go overboard.

My mum was making some spegetti, when I told her I could make a car out of that.

She never believed me until I drove pasta

I dont make jokes about 9/11

They all tend to crash and burn

Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special?

Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus.

How does a Jewish person make beer?

Hebrew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks up to his wife and tells her to say something that makes him both happy and sad.

She thought about it for a minute and replied, “out of all your friends you have the biggest dick”

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

What do they call a chemist who makes sodas?

A fizzycist.

I never make predictions.

I never have and I never will.

What sound does a Gen Z ghost make?

uwuuuuu

I was going to make a joke about incest to my brother...

But on second thought, it's really not appropriate for him to be hearing these kinds of things from his father.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex can make your day...

But anal sex can make your hole weak

What do you make with Deathly Masrhmallows?

S'morecruxes. (credit my 8yo)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make A Sentence.

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his repl...

I was gonna make a joke on procrastination

I’ll finish it later

What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

My wife makes a great stew

Really gonna miss her though.

I've decided to make a Sharia version of Monopoly.

It's the same basic board, except if you're a woman you're not allowed to own property.

And if any of the other players accuse you of cheating, you're out of the game, no questions asked.

Why do grizzlies make the best street fighters?

Because they fight with their bear hands.

What makes Switzerland a great country?

I’m not sure, but the flag is a big plus

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I wanted to make a pun about a piano,

but I didn’t know how to play on it.

My wife wanted to make love ‘like they do in the movies’

So I hired a film crew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation makes you deaf

Click the L button bellow to hear why. It's just a 30 seconds audio.



\[L - button\]

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I was finally able to make it out of the friendzone.

Turns out she didn’t want to be my friend either.

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