UPJOKE
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This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

How does the Jewish man make beer?

Hebrews

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But I think …. I’ll give it a shot.

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

My wife of 62 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

"Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?"

"No. Why?"

"Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience."

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

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How do porn stars make a living?

Income.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

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A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

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What food makes woman’s sex drive go down?

Wedding cake

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”

The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for mo...

we all know two wrongs don't make a right. but what do two rights make?

An airplane

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

What sound does a Nintendo police car make?

Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

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I was going to make an anal joke...

Butt fuck it.

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

Why did the penguin make a fish pun?

Just for the halibut.

My girlfriend said nothing would make her happier than a diamond ring for her birthday

So I got her nothing

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

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I'm going to write a book about a man who makes love to a clock

It's about fucking time

Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

I was asked if I’d like to make a donation to help the local swimming pool

So I gave them a glass of water

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party

than being there.

I was going to make a social media platform called "Please Try Again Later",

but I figured Reddit would sue me for copyright violation.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

Why does Elon Musk make his employees have a net electric charge?

He doesn't want them to be unionized.

How do you make an Italian, into a suicide bomber?

#Rigatoni!

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

Make sure you pay full price for a circumcision.

You wouldn't want to get ripped off.

An astronaut makes coffee

It's an astronaut's first day on the ISS and he's making himself a cup of coffee. He says to a colleague:

"Huh I can't find the milk"

And the other astronaut replies:

"In space no one can, here, use cream"

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

If a theist has belief in a god and an atheist has non-belief what does that make agnostics?

“May-believers”.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

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How do you make your gf scream during sex?

Just call her and tell her.

I asked a genie to make me a nightmare for others.

He turned me into a nocturnal horse that helps people.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

Daniel Radcliffe would make a good Wolverine

Wolverine’s short and hairy; Daniel is short and Harry.

They should make all bras wireless

it's 2022....i really don't think you still have to plug them in to charge.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

Why do podiatrists make great detectives?

Because they can always sense when trouble is afoot.

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How do you make a turtle orgasm?

You rub its’ clitortoise.

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

I love to make lists.

I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list when I'm at the store.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

How much do astraunauts make?

astronomical sums I guess

Dentists make a living from people with bad teeth.

Why would you use a toothpaste that 9/10 dentist recommend?

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible

I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

You add spring water.

Lena is listening to the news as she makes dinner…

It’s rush hour around St. Paul and she knows Ole will be on his way home from the office. As she’s putting things in the oven, she hears a story about a car going the wrong way on the interstate! She immediately calls Ole to let him know he needs to be careful.

“Ole, are you headed home soon?...

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

People say I make too many assumptions...

Well, I mean, they don't actually say it, but I know they're thinking it.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

What does a Blue Stain and a Red Stain make?

A big mess

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

I should make a bread company called Jesus' Body

The bread is free so I can sit back and watch the profits rise.

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3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical p...

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My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The night f...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

How do you make one disappear?

Add a G and now it's gone.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

My dad doesn't really like puns, so we told him our top 10 to see if any could make him laugh...

No pun in 10 did.

Why do hookers make great dentists?

They’re pros at drilling, filling and billing.

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel

You should see the faces my dates make when I tell them I'm a bus driver

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked

Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well b...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

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I'm trying hard to not make a dick joke in this sub...

but it's becoming a pain in the ass.

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

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