Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime.

It's just another day at the United States Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

...a satisfactory.

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you

So I took her to Subway

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

Science puns make me numb

But math puns make me number.

Why do mountain ranges make such good comedians?

Because they're HILL-AREAS!

How do you make Chicken Napoleon?

You use only the bony parts.

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

The more I think about it the more Murphy's law makes sense.

The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is indeed not to ask a question but to post the wrong answer.

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

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ME: "We should make a sextape."

G.FRIEND: "You finish so fast, it would be a GIF."

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

What makes cows so good?

They are outstanding in their field.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

If you make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs....That's a different thing.

What kind of tea is easiest to make?

A simplici-tea.

What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.

And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does Abo...

I always make sure to knock on the fridge before opening

Just in case there is a salad dressing

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria.

When he questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told him : "it only appears blank because its invisible to the naked eye"

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How do you make an elf horny?

Fairy moans.

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A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"

She replies, "All of them."

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right ...

Tomorrow I’m going to try three

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

Cant make jokes about vacation to americans

Cause they dont get it

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

How do you make a good egg-roll?

You push it down a hill.

Did you hear about the coniferous Ent who carried the entire E Street Band to a 13 year old Make A Wish kid?

It's all over the newspapers – "SPRUCE BRINGS TEEN CONCERT"

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What's the first thing you do after sex?

Continue the autopsy whilst reminding myself that one moment of weakness doesn't make me a bad vet.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

I was about to make a joke about Russian ruble...

...but it's not really worth anything.

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Homemade dildo

A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house.

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo. He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed. ...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A Maybe



....Ba Dum Tss

Scientists are worried about a new variant of COVID that makes you sweat mayonnaise...

...but don't worry, they're confident they can contain the spread.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

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How to make your wife scream while having sex?

Call her and tell her about it.

Man don’t ever make a isis joke

You always execute it horribly

I peed on the side of the bowl so that it makes no noise when I pee

And they kicked me out the restaurant immediately

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

There are 3 keys to make a good joke

CTRL, C and V

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

How many times would you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has eight of those,

So the first two would be test-tickles.

Superman has to make a doctor appointment...

The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.

"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."

Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowe...

Husband asks Wife to make coffee

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that's your task, honey.” woman says “What? Why?”man asks. “It’s all over the Bible, dear.” woman replies “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to b...

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Bought chicken to make sandwiches.

It doesn't. Just shits on the floor.

How do you make sure World War III never happens?

You sell the rights to Valve.

How does Moses make tea

He brew

I tried to make a belt with a clock in it, but the belt was too big and the clock broke.

Overall it was just a huge waste of time.

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

My girlfriend said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Why did God make farts smell?

So deaf people can enjoy them too!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say poop your mouth makes the same shape as your butt when you poop

The same is true with explosive diarrhea

What makes redneck family reunions so awkward?

Seeing all of my ex's there.

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

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President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," say...

Why do Corgis make terrible accountants?

Because they always come up short!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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