UPJOKE
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The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

Please don't make jokes about crucifixion.

Unless you really nail the execution.

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

A man is waiting anxiously outside the Labour ward. The doctor comes out with a grim expression and hands him a baby, saying “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”

The man hands the baby back and says “well, bring me the one my wife made.”

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

What sound does a one legged turkey make?

Wobble Wobble

What spund does James Bond’s doorbell make?

Dong. Ding Dong

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy

but socially dead.

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...

The problem is over my head.

Before you say "Tesla" backwards, make sure everyone's ready.

All set?

I wanted to make a joke about lazy people

But I don’t think it would’ve worked.

I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability

Stand up for yourself!

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

You know people that make doors...

Really like to make an entrance.

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How do you make your wife scream during sex?

Call her up and tell her about it

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home...

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Which English town makes the worst sandwiches?

Oldham

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:

“You’re over 90 years old, and you’ve been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?”

The couple look at each other:

“We wanted to wait until the kids died.”

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

my kid asked if he could buy a chemistry set to make chloroform.

I said sure, knock yourself out.

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How do you make Bob Dylan cum really far?

Blow him in the wind

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

how do snowman make snow babies?

Snowballs.

One day, Leonardo DiCaprio, Steven Spielberg and Matthew McConaughey get together and decide to make a movie.

DiCaprio says "I'll act."
Spielberg says "I'll direct."
McConaughey says "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Why do people from Alabama make the best paleontologists?

They're amazing at relative dating.

After going up to her apartment, my date told me, “Make yourself at home.”

Turns out that English is not her first language, and she was asking me to leave.

A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."

Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?

Because they lack reflection.

I told my son I couldn't make curry one night because we didn't have flatbread.He asked why?

I told him it was a naan issue.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I don't ever make the same mistake twice

I make it 4-5 times just to be sure!

I don't like people who make "I didn't sleep last night" their entire personality

They are tiring to be around

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been arrested after allegedly plotting to enslave humanity and force everyone to make butter.

The suspect has said he just wanted to watch the world churn.

What's the best way to make sure the Italian entry wins a Broadway Trophy?

Rigatoni

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

I was going to make a joke on abortion...

But I just couldn't deliver

My friend and I make wigs...

It's not that exciting but it helps toupee the bills.

Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

How many songs do you need to write if you really want to make some money with them?

Four tunes.

Why can't conservatives ever make good chili and barbeque?

Because they have to be liberal with their spices.

God came to Adam and said “I’m going to give you something wonderful, something perfect, something that will make you happy. “ “What’s it going to cost me” Adam asked?

God said “It will cost you your right arm.” “What can I get for a rib?” Adam asked.

How do you make the number one disappear?

You just add a G and it's gone.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those. So the first two were test-tickles!

What type of liquid makes a waterbed the bounciest?

Spring water

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

My friends tell me I make too many graphs…

but I know where to draw the line.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

Trump is going to make soon a major announcement

Meet us again at Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot

How do you make a Doctor costume scary?...

Tell everyone you're American

Apparently, Trump is blaming Melania for advising him to endorse failed NJ candidate Dr. Oz.

Which makes sense, he blames illegal immigrants for everything.

update: thank you to /u/supergenius98k for the original comment that made this joke. I enjoyed it but couldn’t find the comment again when submitting to r/jokes. thanks to /u/martini497osu for finding the source for me

Guy is standing in front of the freezer, looking for something to make for dinner.

His wife calls over to him "Hey Honey, is there any ice cream left in there?"

He replies, "Yes, there's about half a pint of mint chocolate chip, do you want it?"

His wife says "How hard is it?"

The guy replies "As hard as I was last night."

Wife says "Ok, can you pour me...

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor e...

I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…

… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.

What makes a great emo band?

Lots of Deep Cuts

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and ...

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What type of bees make milk?

Boobees

How does a Jewish man make coffee?

Hebrews.

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But I think …. I’ll give it a shot.

C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

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A teacher asks Little Johnny, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

A teacher asks Little Johnny, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel thr...

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Bragging About Sex

Three guys were sitting at the bar begin to brag about their sex life….

First guy said "You all have nothing on me. I come to the bar and bring home a different woman every night. Not only that but I drive a sports car into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1...

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

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My wife says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please don’t make that happen, she has been dying to try that strap-on on me forever.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

My wife of 62 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

What sound did the plane make when it hit the trampoline?

*BOEING!*

Why do trees make bad detectives?

They always get stumped!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do porn stars make a living?

Income.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What food makes woman’s sex drive go down?

Wedding cake

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Which element should they make caskets out of?

Barium

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

What STI makes you go deaf?

Hearing AIDS

I used to run a dating service for chickens...

But i was struggling to make hens meet.

I once got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants.

I have to quit. There was no place to park.

how do you make holy water?

HOLY WATER

Q: How do you make holy water?

A: You boil the hell out of it!

How do you make a water bed bouncy?

spring water

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What makes blind porn stars special?

They never see it cumming.

what brand soup makes you snore when you sleep?

Its knorr

Q: How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza sign off the top.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

I want to make more lactose jokes (and I have a lot!) but…

I just feel like I’d be milking it, y’know?

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.



Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!



Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.



Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

A struggling salmon swims into a life-coach office and says he's trying to make a spreadsheet of everything he needs to do to get his life back on-track. "Where should I begin?", he asks.

Life-coach: "Populate the roes."

You shouldn't make fun of fat people.

They've got enough on their plates already.

One woman said to another, "Do you smoke after you make love?"

"I don't know. I've never looked."

I tried to make a penguin fly once

Can’t say Delta was too happy about it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a penis

women make it hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do horny skeletons do to make money?

Start a bonely fans

How happy can your cousin make you?

Relatively happy.



Sorry.

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

How does Cthulhu make sure he will wake up on time?

He goes to bed R'lyeh.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Me: "Can I axe you to make it quick?"

Executioner: "You realize this is why we're doing this, right?"

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

What do you call someone that makes an honest living?

Broke.

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him.

They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

"Doctor, I've been having a constant stomach ache lately." cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers,

"Didn't you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that'll make ...

What sound does a brass frog make?

Rivet

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

What kind of bee can't make up its mind?

A maybe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.

It doesn’t. It shits on the floor, after it crosses the road.

Why don't Blondes make Kool-Aid?

Because they can't get eight cups of water into the tiny Kool-Aid pouch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

If you ever meet a chemist, make sure to tell him all your life's problems.

He'll have a solution for sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that sex makes your whole day.

Well, anal makes your hole weak.

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it

A nun gets into a cab

She notices the cab driver staring at her and she asks, "Why are you staring?"

The cab driver replies, "I have a question, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun responds, "My son, you cannot offend me. I've been a nun for so long that I've seen and heard everything. I'm sure there's...

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