This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

Why do females make the best archaeologists?

Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"

Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"

Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

Did you know you can make a hat out of any ship?

You just flip it over, that way its capsized....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S.

What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?

A 10% survival rate



I’m so sorry

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I bet a prostitute she couldn’t make me orgasm,

is that gambling or prostitution?

My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

My sister bet me $15 I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One ejaculation contains over 15000 gigs of DNA. So what does that make pornstars?

Fucking genuises

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

How do you make a redditor curious?

I'll tell you next week

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

How many eggs does it take to make a French omelette?

Just one. In France one egg is un oeuf.

Scientists have discovered a food that makes women morbidly obese soon after they eat it.

Wedding cake.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I attached all my watches together to make a belt...

It was a waist of time.

How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?

Move him to the front yard.

My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.

But I’m planning to give it a shot.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

While most puns make me Numb, Math puns make me

NUMBER.

How do you make a lawyer in a coma better?

With a pillow and about five pounds of pressure

What material makes up 12 eggs?

Dozen matter.

I hate how people make jokes about 9/11 my dad died

He was a good pilot

An indian and Albert einstein make a bet, Albert einstein says for every question you say and I don't have an answer for I will give you $500 and when I have a question you can't answer you will give me $5. The indian agrees. Albert asks him what 96950x30857 is, then the indian gives him $5 then...

The indian asks him, what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4, albert is stumped and gives him $500 then curious albert asks the indian what does go up a mountain with 3 legs and come down with 4? Then the indian gives him $5

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

What do you call Arnold Schwarzenegger when he makes decisions?

Determinator

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

If there's one thing that makes me throw up

It's a dart board on a ceiling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your wife scream when you are having sex?

Call her while your banging her sister

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

To make a long story short,

Summarize.

A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told ...

A marketing team had to make a Coca-Cola ad for Arabia

So they sent their best man on the job. When he came back, they saw that the campaign failed miserably and nobody was buying the product. So the team asked him what happened. He explained:

We made a billboard with three images. On the first one, there is a person that is very unhealthy and a...

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

What makes every girl wet?

Water.

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

What do you call it when someone isn’t sure they want to make plans to visit an Indian Casio?

A reservation reservation reservation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the Germans make the filthiest porn?

Because they stopped making soap years ago.

Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make an old lady say "fuck"?

Make another old lady say "bingo".

What sound does a 747 make when it has a bumpy landing?

Boeing

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Why can't Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln make left turns.

Because it just goes Alright, Alright, Alright.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Manager of a company has to make a hard choice:

Lay off Jack or Jane.

They are both superb workers, but the company has run into hard times.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets up from her desk to get some water.

The manager decides to use this opportunity to break the bad news to her.

Manager: "Jan...

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to make a joke about sculptures and breasts, but it I thought it would be lame...

Wooden tit?

I tried to make my friends laugh so I told them 10 puns

No pun in ten did

I don't make passive aggressive posts on Reddit

Unlike **SOME** people.

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

The stupidest joke I'll ever make

An Italian man is married to his American car. They've been having financial problems, but the car wants to do something special for their new Mexican neighbors. The car asks "How about we throw them a party?"

To which the Italian man responds with "No"

"Why Not?" says the car spouse...

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

Mother: 'Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.'

Daughter: 'I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in Daddy's computer.'

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

Two wrongs don't make a right...

But two Wrights make one hell of an aeroplane

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

Doctor : (Hands me my newborn baby) So sorry but your wife didn't make it...

Me : (Hands the baby back) Well bring me the one she made then

I tried to make a joke about someone who can't see, hear, taste, smell, or feel anything.

I realized it was senseless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry

So I threw a coconut at his head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy has this idea that he can make whiskey by aging corn mash in his anus

I mean, I suppose anything could work, butt still...

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Sam ate his own lunch after school.

Sam ate his own colon after school.

What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

My wife said I make bad decisions when I'm drunk.

"Not half as bad as the ones I make when I'm sober," I replied, pointing to my ring finger.

What's the difference between a female American rapper and a South American woman who makes funny noises on bed?

One is Queen Latifah the other is Queef Latina

Believing in 12.5% of the Bible

Makes you an eighth thiest.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.