How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

If people make you sick...

Maybe you should cook them longer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

I was gonna make a joke about memory loss

I think

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma"

Oh shit this isnt google

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”

The man asks, “And how would you do that?”



The woman says, “Just wait and see.”



She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.



The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”



The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”



The boss th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy.

so, I got drunk.

How does Jesus make beer?

Hebrews it

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

I attached all my watches together to make a belt.....

It was a waist of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I challenged my girlfriend to make me feel sad and happy at the same time

Then she said: "you have the best dick among all of your friends"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you're having sex...just as you reach Nirvana, but before you have The Offspring, what do you make?

Pearl Jam

If I make you breakfast in bed all I want is a simple “thank you”

None of this “how’d you get in my house business”

*Not an original joke but I love it and wanted to share*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”

So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.

When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my...

How do Asians make love?

First they dim sum lights

(Courtesy of my little brother)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

how do you make someone click on your post?

Like that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mom, all the kids in my class make fun of me because I'm still a virgin."

"Johnny, just start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

While most puns make me feel numb

Math puns make me feel number

had to move this to r/jokes, not oc

I make bad puns.

That's how eye roll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make 100 old ladies say Fuck?

You yell out Bingo

You wanna hear something that will make you smile?

Your face muscles

I bet I can make u say 5

How old were you when ur dad left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to a mule with a sign that says “$10 to make my mule laugh. Make him laugh and you win $100.

A stranger in town sits on a park bench watches for a while. He sees a line of people try all kinds of crazy things to make the mule laugh. After a bit he walks over and talks to the mules owner. He finds out no one has ever made the mule laugh. He watches a bit longer before he pulls out $10 and ha...

What can a girl put behind her ears to make herself more attractive to men?

Her ankles ;D

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny...

...I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I was playing chess with a friend and he said “let’s make this interesting”

So we stopped playing chess

Why do we keep making pennies when the cost to make them is more than their value?

It just doesn't make cents

Girl - “Make me cum”

Genie - “You might want to rephrase that”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

For a while I was a hot dog vendor. One time this guy walked up to me and asked me to make him one with everything.

So I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face.

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.


He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"


But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.


When s...

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

Laughter is meant to be shared, so if you can make just 1 person laugh

you're not very funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why shouldn't you make friends in the men's restroom?

That's where all the dicks hang out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Angela Merkel make the best cocktails?

Because she uses only the finest ingredients

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

There's this kid who decides to scare his mother by hidings in the closet, and popping out when she grabs a shirt, when he sees her and this stranger start to make love.

But then his father drives into the driveway right before he could scare her.

"Oh no, my husband. Quick, hide in the closet."

The stranger runs into the closet without question, and the boy tries to start a conversation.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh my God, who are you?"...

What noise does a French police car make?

Oui u oui u oui u

What sound does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Peter Pan would make a great comedian

His jokes would never get old

How many Spanish cats does it take to make up a horse?

Catorce

People used to make fun of me because I'm fat and am always sitting. So I started jogging.

Now I'm a running joke.

Just because a lot of work went into it, doesn’t make it good.

Just look at the holocaust.

Dad joke of the day: what sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

How do you make your anti-vaxxer enemy leave you alone forever?

Give them a handshake then show them a picture of snot on your hand

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said "Ok, I'll produce"

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, i'll write, I'll write."

My wife said to me, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

I said, "Don't worry hun, it's not the dress."

I was going to make haggis...

But I just don't have the stomach for it.

How does Walter White make a stir fry?

With Ricin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What makes a mathematician horny?

Calculust

How do you make her laugh on your blind date?

Just show up.

How do you make music when you're dead?

By de-composing.

My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Can beer make you smarter?

Well it made Bud wiser

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a new type of bees that make milk!

They have named them boobees

A priest and a lawyer make it to the pearly gates

They are both let inside and they are led to their homes. They get to the lawyers house first and it is a gigantic mansion. The priest and St. Peter walk on until the reach a measly little shack. The priest is told this is his home. He looks at St. Peter and says, “I have prayed and led people to go...

My family all makes fun of me for having a low-paying job filling in spreadsheets

But I like having a job where I can Excel.

Make little things count they say.

Henceforth I will be teaching midgets some math.

When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the whole joke.

Because it’s really difficult to tell them a part.

I would make a joke about domestic violence

But I just think it would hit too close to home for some

How do you make Alabama-style chicken?

Cook it over a dumpster fire and then serve it face down in a pool of its own blood.

My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

Why do eco-activists make horrible stand up comedians?

They consistently refuse to use anything but recycled material.

Two parents wanted to make love

Two parents wanted to make love,but the children were still awake, so the mother said :who will sleep early today will get 100$,............................... ...............................................................................................................................................

My dream is to make 300K, just like my dad

Does he make 300K? Not really, but he has the same dream

Medusa makes cheese nowadays

Gorgonzola

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

Yesterday my friend told me I “ often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful to say and it completely ruined our bath.

What pets make the best music?

Trumpets

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

What drink makes you laugh uncontrollably?

Alcoh-lol.

OK, time to go.

Sometimes it makes no sense to vaccinate your children.

For example, when they're already dead.

What do fashionable ducks use to make s'mores?

Glam Quackers

How do you make someone read something twice?

How do you make someone read something twice? By putting it in both the title and the body of the post. (Please stop doing this!)

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

What makes a dad joke a dad joke?

The punch line has to be apparent.

Why do Driving Instructors make good Physical Therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills

Apparently the French just bought the rights to make a Mercedes S-Class Van

Its called the S-Cargo

Why couldn’t David Wong and Stephanie Wong make a Caucasian baby?

Because two wongs don’t make a white

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when you make a woman a knight, take her virginity and then disappear ?

A one knight stand

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it..

What makes overweight people so attractive?

They have a strong gravitational pull.

My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.

Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.

Bob looked at his wife Mary and said ”I can’t believe today makes 2 happy years of marriage”

Mary: Bob, we have been married for 15 years...

Bob: I SAID HAPPY

I was gonna make a chris brown joke,

But he beat me to the punch

Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian

I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "Make me feel like a woman again!"

As her husband is coming back from work, the wife is exceptionally horny today and is impatiently waiting for her man's return.

Finally, the husband arrives home.

The wife sensually says:
"Honey, make me feel like a woman again!"

The husband immediately rips his shirt off and...

How can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you are a billionaire.

You know what makes me sad?

Garbage men are always handling my junk, but they never call me back.

A blonde is looking to make some extra cash

She decided that she would go around her neighborhood and try to do some odd jobs here and there to make some

She goes over to her richest neighbors house thinking that he would have money to spare and his house was so big that he was bound to have something to do

She goes up the huge ...

What do you eat to make your farts follow people?

Ghost peppers.

I was going to make a joke about a loose bow...

But I realized that joke was a little too far-stretched

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh...

... until you get it.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

I am gonna make a communist joke

I hope everyone gets it

Y'know I have been trying to make this complicated airplane joke

But I think it'll just go over your head.

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was gonna make a joke about eating ass

But I was worried it would come off tongue-in-cheek

How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in the blender

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

Never Make a Light-speed Vessel Out of Wood.

It'd just end up warped.

I wanna make a joke about satan

Just for the hell of it

What's the sound a nut makes when it sneezes?

Cashew!!

Nintendo used to make the Wii

Then they decided to make a switch.

"You don't need to know what makes this burger taste so good"

- said an anonymous sauce.

How do you make a packet of cigarettes a cigarette lighter?

Take one out

Which is the urine drop that makes the most distance?

The one you put back in your pants

Inspired by a recent askreddit
My dad used to tell this joke

Why do stoners make great couples?

They finish each others sandwiches.

The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.

After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the balls. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.

The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, foll...

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

I wanted to make a solid joke about ice

But It melted and now the joke isn't that solid anymore

Ubisoft's has a new subsidiary that only makes adult games

It's call Illbhard

Vittore Santos decided to enter a Christmastime food competition. Entrants were to make 100 tacos and arrange them in the shape of a Christmas Tree.

The winner would win $10,000. Vittore made his tacos and arranged them into a truly majestic Christmas tree shape with taco ornaments and a taco star on top. All that was left was to wait for the judges and camera crew to come by.

While he was waiting, a man dressed as The Grinch pointed at h...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.