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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

While most puns make me feel numb...

...Math puns make me feel number.

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Now they also call me poor.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?

Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow

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My buddy jokingly asked me, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?"

I said, "No man, that would just make us even."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck...

Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?

Of course, if he’s a billionaire.

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them.

I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of bees make milk?

BOOBEES!

I edited my pig's genes to make it taste better

you might even say the bacon is CRISPR

It’s clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...

She’s transparent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

A gun then extends from the Buddhist’s chest and he asks...

My girlfriend keeps yelling out Uncle when we make love and it turns me off. But i cant judge her.

or ask for a better niece.

They told Beethoven he couldn’t make music because he was deaf

but he didn’t listen

If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"One Man's Junk" would make a good name for a pawn shop.

Also for a gay bar.

How did Pavlov make his hair so soft?

He conditioned it

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

My parents used to make me walk the plank..

..we couldnt afford a dog

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

My wife and I are constantly fighting over who’s going to make the first pot of coffee in the morning.

I think this might be grounds for divorce.

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

Why do Redditors make bad Fencers?

Because all they do is Riposte.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

I'm worried my wife is going to make our baby too materialistic.

Every time she tickles the baby, she says "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

Why shouldn’t you make a agreement with wolverine ?

Because of his retractable Clause

If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian,

Then Soviet

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If whisky makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets you pregnant?

Two high balls and a straight shot.



*This was my grandma's favorite joke to tell us kiddos*

I’d make a joke about foot wear but...

I probably shoe-dent

How many tickles does it take to make a male octopus laugh?

Eleven.

It's usually ten-tickles, but an extra one is counted for the test-tickle

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

A math teacher was lecturing his students about double negatives and positives. He explained that a negative and a negative make a positive and that a positive and negative always make a negative. He also stated that two positives will never make a negative.

A student shouted sarcastically “Yeah, right!”

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a "booty call" when the girl makes the call?

A cock ring.

If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.

He was good at roasting people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It’s the only time I’m ever wanted

How do you make 7 even?

You take away the s

You shouldn't make jokes about the Titanic here...

You'll only get downboated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

2 wrongs don't make a right

But 3 lefts do

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was going to make a sexual harassment joke ...

But it’s a touchy subject

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

Does making a chemistry joke make you sound smart?

Nitrogen Oxygen.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

I cant stand when people make 9/11 jokes

really, though, they are just plane wrong.

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

In 2025 Apple plans to make an electric car

Am just wondering if the car will have windows?

Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?

Or has the Opportunity passed?

The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't.

They were polar opposites.

GOD: "Hey, let's make Vampires REAL. . .!"

God: "They shall drink BLOOD!"

God: "They shall be responsible for the DEATHS of more humans in history than any other creature!"

God: ". . . And they can FLY!"

God: . . .But let's troll them so they can only make annoying high pitched whiny noises

God: . . .And are only ...

My advice to Jussie Smollett is everyone makes mistakes...

Don’t beat yourself up over it!

Hunchbacks would make great detectives

They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

“But Quasimodo, what makes you think you need to see a chiropractor?”

“Oh, it’s just a hunch...”

Sorry.

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

My girlfriend begged me to make her scream

so I set her cat on fire.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

Being kicked in the nards always makes me feel...

...testy.

I don't like to make jokes about religion anymore...

Last time I did I was crucified for it...


and I thought I nailed it.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with Parkinson's disease to turn off the lights!

What sounds does a micro cow make?

mu

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct!"


Leonardo DiCaprio says, "I'll act!"


Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

If you put a photo of yourself in a pendant what does that make you?

Independent

R would make good friends

You know, I feel like if letters were personified, R would be that guy who just makes a friend out of everyone. Because without R, everyone is just a fiend.

I’m about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

What was your favourite pastry that Grammar used to make?

Mine was the delicious synonym rolls and my adjective was to eat at least half of them off the plate

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

I have a way to make math easier.

Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Japan can’t make weapons but it can make..

Weabo-ns.

I like my joke and I don’t care

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast...

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you and I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I make a penny, my boss makes a dime

that's why I poop on company time

As a doctor I never make fun of unvaccinated kids.

I don’t like to joke about dead people.

An Italian, a Jamaican and a stormtrooper tried to make a meal for Gordon Ramsay.

It was a rasta blaster pasta disaster.

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make a door cry?

Twist its knob

You can make all the Linkin Park jokes you want...

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it 23 times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys says to another: "Gay people make me puke!“

The other one replies: "Well, not everybody can take deepthroat."

I’m trying to make a meme on breaking bedrock in Minecraft

But it’s way to hard

after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Put her in a round room and tell her to stand in a corner!

They say that one tree can make a million matches.

I wonder if this is true. Since I disguised myself as a tree on Tinder, I don't make any matches at all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

What sound does an injured turkey make?

Hobblehobblehobblehobble

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mechanic has just finished a particularly tough job. When the customer shows up to get the vehicle, it turns out to be a surgeon. He vents in frustration to the doctor: “I don’t get it! How come I bust my butt all day putting cars back together, and only make a fraction of what you do?”

“After all, is there really that much different? I open cars up, I fix them. You open people up, you fix them. What gives?”

The doctor pauses, and politely replies: “Well, I see your point there...but try doing all that with the engine running.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes 'woof', a Czech dog goes 'haf', a Dutch dog goes 'blaf' and a Korean dog goes 'sizzle'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses...

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

My friend said he wanted to make a living as a comedian...

I told him that that was a good start.

What makes a good pizza joke?

It’s all in the delivery

Do you know what happens if you make a malware angry?

Malwarebytes.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me 'Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace'

So I bought her nothing. And now we're divorced :(

What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?

Guaca-mole

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.

If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

[LPT] When you're being chased by the cops, make a clean getaway by

Driving through a car wash.

What sound does a clock make when it's in a strip club

Thicc thot

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

If you can convince a hooker to make eggs after....

Is she a bed and breakfast?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...