Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

How do you make 7 even?

By removing the S.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only memorizing even numbers.

What are the odds?

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How do you make your wife scream when you are having sex?

Call her while your banging her sister

What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?

A 10% survival rate



I’m so sorry

If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.

It’s a dart board on a ceiling.

A politician makes a trip to a village

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the villager leader.

"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told ...

What makes every girl wet?

Water.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

My sister told me I couldn't make a bicycle out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when i rode pasta

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

The stupidest joke I'll ever make

An Italian man is married to his American car. They've been having financial problems, but the car wants to do something special for their new Mexican neighbors. The car asks "How about we throw them a party?"

To which the Italian man responds with "No"

"Why Not?" says the car spouse...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

Why should we make shoelaces out of earphone/headphones wires?

Cause they would tie themselves.

My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry

So I threw a coconut at his head

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.








Haha I’m so alone

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Sam ate his own lunch after school.

Sam ate his own colon after school.

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

A friend and I were talking about compromise in marriage. He said “In my marriage, my wife makes all the small decisions and I make all the big decisions.”

“We have yet to have any big decisions.”

I was playing chess with my girlfriend and she said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.

So we stopped playing chess

Why don't escaped convicts make good writers?

Because they never finish their sentences

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

A blonde woman looking to make extra cash goes into a rich neighborhood....

She comes across a house, knocks on the door and a man opens the door. “I am looking for work and would do anything”. The man looks at his porch and sees it needs some serious paint asks her to paint it for $100. She agrees. He shows her to the paints in his garage and she gets to work. About an hou...

What does Jesus say when he makes a trickshot?

Nailed it.

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

Anti-vaxxers make me sick. They should be taken out back...

...and given shots.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

I make my entire department get the bus to work. It's way more environmentally friendly than those huge gas guzzlers we drive.

Makes it hard to get to the fires on time though.

You know what really makes my day...

The rotation of Earth.

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

How do you make an Italian shut up

You tie their hands

I want to make a Zelda pun...

But I don’t want to tri and force it

It takes 2 people to make a problem

My parents

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

How did Epstien's killers make it look like a suicide?

They used A LOT of coverup

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

Why do ghosts make bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk.

Why can't you make jokes about Jonestown?

The punchlines are too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got a plan to make everyone in the world simultaneously ejaculate.

It's all coming together.

How do you make a gas into a solid?

Push harder

How does an american make a cup of tea

They Boil a cup of boston harbour water

What makes a Pirate really angry?

When you take away his P.

I always make jokes about 90s Mercedes race cars, but no one understands them.

I guess it just flies over there heads.

Told my friend I had to make an appointment with the Doctor. He asked "which doctor"?

I said no, just the regular kind.

I asked a Jewish bartender if he ever makes his own beer...

...he brew.

I'd make a sucide joke

But I think I should hang onto it

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to brake fluid.

I can stop any time I want tho

Why do women make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them a full load, and they take 9 months to deliver.

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

What kind of bees make milk?

boo (bees)

People ask me why I make chemistry jokes

Because I always get a positive reaction

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

Two wrongs don't make a right but,

Two Wright's make an airplane.

Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

I think belts make people really attractive.

They can turn a 1 into a 10.

How do you make a hanky dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?

You get in and they already know your name and where you live.

When mushrooms come together what do they make?

A mush house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told that make cows can't defecate.

Well, that was bullshit.

Edit:

Male

[NSFW] Ever make love while camping?

Yeah, neither have I.

Jack: Seriously Edith, your excuses are lame. It's clear that you are only trying to make people think you are special.

Edit: That's stupid, Jack. I removed the H from my name coz it saves ink in my printer.

I wanted to make an ww1 joke

But all the good ones Argonne

I finally found out how Jesus makes Tea

Hebrews It

You shouldn’t make fun of fat people

They have enough on their plates already.

How do mathematicians make babies?

They have sec(x).

Here’s something that will make you smile.

Your face muscles.

I pee on the side of the bowl to make less noise.

My sister wasn't happy that I ruined her cereal.

What did the naive German make for breakfast?

An umlaut.

How do you make 490 Roman soldiers laugh?

XD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I make so many Nazi jokes

I was promoted to captain of the 1st Punzer Division.

It’s inappropriate to make dad jokes if you’re not a father....

It’s a faux-pa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having sex is good..it makes my day...

But having anal sex makes my whole week..

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

What sound does a plane make when it hits the ground and bounces back up again

Boeing

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