There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

Did you know there's a city in Ohio called "Engagement?"

It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion.

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
...

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Last night there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

Why are there 2 d's in Reddit

The second one is a repost

As I sat there winding my hair through my fingers, I thought to myself

"I really need to shave my ass"

If there's anything we learned from this vaccine, it's that Eminem was wrong:

you do get more than one shot.

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

Burglars are getting more clever, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night "I think there is somebody downstairs" she said. So I got up and went downstairs and checked ever room..

Then I realized I wasn't married....

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

There’s a necrophiliac on the loose

Look alive people

There are 25 letters in the alphabet

I don’t know y

I find it hard to understand that people still don’t know how to correctly use “their”, “there” and “they’re”

Their so stupid.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

There are 10 types of people that understand binary

Those who don't and those who do

A guy told me there's not a single word in English that can be typed using the upper row of keyboard.

True

Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly?

The words are right on the tip of my tongue.

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband ...

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

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There is sex without love and love without sex.

And then there's us with neither.

Happy Valentine's.

There's a term for Presidents like Trump..

Probably not *two* terms though...

There's two ways to walk out of a casino a millionaire...

1. Walking in as a billionaire
2. Walking in with a ski mask on and a gun in your hand

A man asks his wife “how many truly great men do you think there are in the world?”

She replies:

I don’t know, but I can tell you this: there is one fewer than you think.

People say I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow

But there’s always tomorrow

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

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I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

There was a young lady named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally. She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap

and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

Why are there so many NSFW posts

It's not like we have jobs

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

So there was a huge line of animals, waiting for a store to open.

They were all waiting patiently, until the rabbit came. This rabbit was very impatient and wanted to join the store first.

So he tried sneaking under everyone. Although that didn't work because the lion, found him and furiously said "HEY! No cheating!" and punched the rabbit so hard that he f...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

Knock Knock... *Your reponse* Who's there? Idaho...

Idaho who needs Deez Nuts...
Ha! Got 'Em!

Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"?

A good caption always goes down with the ship.

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There once was a man from nantucket

I forgot how this goes so fuck it.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

There was an accident at the glass factory today

Onlookers could Only describe the scene as "paneful to watch"

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling abo...

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Have you ever wondered about why Planter's Peanuts killed off Mr. Peanut? What if there was another sex tape controversy?

That would be fucking nuts.

There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

the division is clear

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.

I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

## So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, b**ut ...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

There are 2 types of people in this world:

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets

Why there is high unemployment in banking sector?

Because governments all over the world made sure that there is 0 interest in banking.

There once was a man in prison

Who performed his own circumcision

With cigarettes he paid

And got his own blade

What he shoulda bought was better precision.

There was a birch tree and a beach tree next to each other and a small tree growing in between. The birch says, oh, that is a son of birch. The beach tree says no, that's a son of a beach. They argue back and forth a while before seeing a woodpecker. They decide to let the woodpecker decide....

....Well, it this a son of birch or a son of beach? The woodpecker says, " It is in fact neither a son of birch Or a son of a beach. This my friends, is the best piece of ash, I have ever stuck my pecker in"

What do you call it when your giving birth but there is no one there to help.

Mid-wife crisis

If Jesus has his second-coming, there's no way he'll let anybody crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

If there is a king and queen size mattress, where does the prince sleep?

On the heir mattresses

-Repost because of spelling-

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "1 will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answere...

I walked into the liquor store and a guy working there asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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There are two types of people in the world: Those who walk on the side opposing traffic,

And those who walk on the side w- OH FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

Knock knock. Who’s there? Trump. Trump who?

Exactly. Happy Trumps Not President Anymore Day!

An interviewer asks Putin, "Do you ever think there'll be a female president?"

"Of course not," Putin replies

"Why?" the interviewer inquires

"Am I female?" Putin responds



^(btw free navalny)

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

it's sad how there's only limited options for aspiring mongers

just fear, war and fish.

There’s a rumor that Trump is fleeing to Canada...

It isn’t Trudeau.

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them all.

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

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There may be some validity to the sexual assault claims against Donald Trump.

After this election, it is clear he doesn't take no for an answer.

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There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

Over a thousand years ago, there was a culture in Southeast Asia that worshipped parrots.

They were pollytheistic.

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Why are there no churches in space?

Without gravity there can be no mass.

There's only one thing I love more than dating single moms

Creating them.

There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning.

He's a Mass murderer.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

There are 10 types of people in the world.

01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 00110001 00110000 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101111 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 011...

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

There are three states of matter

Doesn't matter

Matters a bit

Really matters a lot

Seeing how it’s saint Patrick’s day there is only one band you should listen to

Green Day

There's a winner of a recent dance competition who just got exposed as a huge racist.

She had alt the right moves.

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

John asks out a girl and girl says "at 19:00 come to my house, noone will be there"

So in the evening he goes to girl's house and no one is there

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

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There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

There was once a man from Nantucket.

He was a very nice man, well loved by all. I think he moved up to Chatham a couple years ago. Really nice guy.

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A man goes into a book shop and asks the assistant, "I heard there's a new book just out about living with a small penis. I'm not sure what it's called. Have you got it in yet?"

Assistant: "Yes, that's the one."


(Other versions have been posted but I reckon this is the right formulation...)

Knock knock. Who's there? Bacon. Bacon who?

Bacon a cake for my cake day.

Who do you call when there's a crime happening in Indiana?

The Indanapolis

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

There’s no way Abraham Lincoln will be found guilty of any crime....

Because he’ll always be in a cent.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend keeps moaning that there's not enough room in the wardrobe.

She needs to shut the fuck up, the wife might discover her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

Me: Hello, ASPCA? There's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan

ASPCA: We don't believe you

Me: Well you'll have to take my whirred ferret

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

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To all of my Liverpool Friends out there.

You are being offered a jab.


Not a fucking Job. Stop panicking....

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NSFW There once lived a man from Nantucket

Who decided one day to say "Fuck it."

He climbed up to the top,

Fell down with a hop,

And that's how he kicked the bucket.

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language.

We call him the Village Idiom.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess yo...

They're seems to be a lot of people getting there words mixed up

Their, I said it...

Ummmm... there’s like, a Naruto or something?..?

That’s got to be the only thing I know about Hentai. I mean, Anime.

There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up.

Pun-ishment

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

Boss: "Remember, there's no "I" in team."

Me: "Yeah!! and there's no "F" in point."

I think there should be a vote recount.

It’ll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.

That's a nice ham you've got there.

It'd be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start of it, and an 'e' at the end.

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There was once a red Indian with one testicle

whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called him th...

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There are 2 unwritten rules for having sex

1) 2)

"In the beginning there was nothing. Then atoms were created."

***"WHO'S ADAM?!"***

At a circus there’s a calamity and two lions escape.

They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks “does this taste funny to you?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It pisses me off when people use the wrong there/their/they're.

Seriously is they're anything worse than that?

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

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Did you know there is a incantation that can turn a man into a animal?

It takes a very long time to say, and by the end you will be a little hoarse.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

When They Say Everything is Coming your Way, there’s 2 Meanings to that.

1.) Everything is going as you expected.

2.) You’re in the Wrong Lane.

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

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There's nothing better than suprise wake-up sex...

Unless you're in prison.

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she...

They say that there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was dave so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

There are two types of people

People who can focus long enough to finish their joke

A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars.

Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.

Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the...

Queue anon.

OMG there's a wolf!

Where?

No, the regular kind.

What do you call it when there is no Internet in Russia?

Internyet.

There was a robbery in the laundry room.

Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

There is 2 eye lids that are both waiters

and their manager is named brain. Brain said “You two are closing tonight.”

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

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