What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

It’s clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...

She’s transparent.

What do you call a crystal clear urine?

1080 pee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.

Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.

I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a ...

It’s been raining for days now and my wife is getting depressed, the way she keeps standing at the window hoping it will clear up...

If it keeps raining like this, I am afraid I‘ll have to let her get back in.

Just so you’re all clear...

Let me put my glasses on

I think it’s important to make clear who’s change it is if you drop some.

Any way that’s my two cents.

What happens when the fog clears from Los Angeles?

UCLA

A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Plethora"

The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means a lot."

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

She said, "boy, I know you got ulterior motives. You can't fool me." I told her, "nah, girl I got one clear motive."

^to ^fill ^this ^ever-deepening ^void ^of ^loneliness.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you clear out a Japanese bingo parlor?

B-29

Google Weather reported today is a cloudy day. But it is a clear sunny day.

Something must have happened to Google clouds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

Why do cops have really clear skin?

They're great at popping black heads.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

So this guy goes to a psychiatrist wearing nothing but clear plastic wrap

The guy says “what’s wrong with me, Doc?”

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts.”

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

How do you clear a North Korean bingo hall?

B 52

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

-Son, remember that in many ways, life is like a display of fireworks on a clear winter night.

-Beautiful?

-Nope. A pure loss, but fun none the less!

At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking h...

A man walks into a pub....

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's of...

I really don't have a clear stance on abortion

On one hand I'm all for killing babies.

But on the other hand I don't support women's rights.

A guy runs into a saloon and yells "everybody clear out, Big John's comin' to town!"

A couple minutes later a mountain of a man rides into town on an ox and he's dragging a mountain lion on a chain behind him. He gets down and punches the ox and slams the mountain lion and says "You guys stay here."

He walks into the saloon, ripping the doors off the hinges. Walks up to the b...

Know why vodka is so clear?

Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.

Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery?

Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!

What does Scooby Do use to clear up spillages?

A raggy

Just to make myself clear...

I use acne treatment.

Kim Jong-Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelt ***nuclear*** wrong.

After looking over the BBC wage list on thing has become clear...

Women knowing nothing about cars or football is really hurting their income

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.

"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.

They are having sex when the man asks for a blow job. She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If your urine is clear, you're hydrated. If it's yellow, you're dehydrated.

If it's white, you're shaking your dick too much.

How does JFK clear his head?

He goes for a car ride.

"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head"

-John F. Kennedy

I woke up on a clear night, gazing at millions of stars, and I wondered...

Where the Hell is my roof?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Coast Clear

Ben in bed with his wife...


His wife's mobile phone rings at 3AM; Ben answers it, then angrily says, "Fuck off and call the weather office!"

Wife asks, "Who was that?"

He replies, "Some jerk askin if the coast was clear!"

What's Clear and smells like red paint?

Chloroform, Shhhh

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat?

a hymn

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

​

Just wanted to make that clear.

My girlfriend said to me "as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you" and I said "let's make one thing absolutely clear..."

"My mother was never a young boy."

Tim Vine

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was this guy

So there was this guy, yeah?

He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.

Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."

Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"

A...

I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks...

...except "Drops of Jupiter". That one's ok.

The clear coast

A married couple is in bed asleep when the phone rings at 2AM.

The blonde wife answers and listens for a second and then shouts into the phone, "How should I know that's 150 miles from here!!!"

At that the husband rolls over and asks "who was that?"

The wife replied, "I don't kn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

A man walks into a bar...

And there’s another bloke sitting at the bar with a Tiny man playing the piano next to him.

The guy that just walked in said, mate, how’d you get that?

Guy at the bar sais, well, there’s a gong over there. You just go over and bang the gong once and a genie comes out. But, catch is, th...

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the middle of a beautiful forest there is a pond filled with clear, cool water.

Flying about six inches above the pond is a fly. The fly is thinking "I'm thirsty. If I drop down to the surface of the pond I can get a drink".

Unknown to the fly a fish is quietly watching it and thinking "That fly looks thirsty. If it drops down to get a drink I can swim up and eat it. Tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy bets a bartender 200 bucks that he can piss clear across his bar.

The guy stands on the bar and starts pissing all over the place on the bar, the stools and the patrons not even close to across the bar. Everyone is laghing at his failed attempt as he pays the 200 bucks. The bartender asks why he's laghing after he just lost the bet he replies I just bet the guy ou...

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.

An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

Have you seen the new clear plastic bikinis?

They're worth looking into.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wins a lifetime supply of carrots,

After learning about this fortunate occurence, he celebrated and patiently awaited the arrival of the tasty product.

A few days later, he heard knocking at his door and investigated. A delivery man offered him 12 bags of carrots, congratulated him on his winnings, and left.

This contin...

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin

Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone.

A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s l...

What's my favourite position you ask?

Behind someone...

With clear handwriting in the exam hall obviously.

There was a man who really liked tractors.

One day he discovered a tractor convention in his morning paper and was very excited, so he bought his ticket instantly.

months later the day of the convention had finally arrived and he was extremely excited, he drove into the city early and planned to spend the whole day there.

when ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

To clear your conscience

In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish girl on the run from the Nazis. She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the Nazis until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her t...

One clear morning, a man wakes up early to go fishing...

... he got out of bed quietly so that he didn't wake his wife, put on his fishing clothes, grabbed his gear, hopped into his truck, and headed out towards the lake.

About halfway to the lake, the weather completely changed. It started to rain very hard, and there was even some thunder and lig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk guy walks into a bar.

He’s already a bit drunk, so he stumbles in and sits down. He yells out,

“Hey bartender! I bet I can fart the star spangled banner!”

The bartender pays no attention to him. A couple hours pass and the guy keeps on drinking. Soon, he yells out again.

“Hey bartender! I can fart ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Unbelievable blowjob

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and say's," See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time." "No way," the guy say's. "oh yeah, and she only charges $20." So he walks over and hands her a 20. She ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pilot is on the microphone before the flight begins...

“Well hello there folks, today is a great day to fly! Perfect weather, clear skies. It should take us an hour to get to Miami. Miami has amazing weather this....”

After concluding his long speech, he lays back in his chair, forgetting to turn off the mic. He starts talking with his co pilot.<...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “That means a lot”

three men walk up to the gates of heaven,

the gatekeeper asks each man to describe how he died.

&#x200B;

the first man walks up to the gate keeper and says:

'i was concerned my wife was cheeting on me so one day i said i was going to work, walked outside our appartment then walked back in saying i had forgotten somt...

I tried to join in on #trashtag, but now I'm in jail.

Apparently it doesn't matter how annoying they are, you can't just clear out white trash.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day.

One seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, "What has the world done to you?"
The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
His friend said,"That's not bad."


"But you see, two w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART....

This event earlier this day reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his ca...

Hindsight

A husband and wife were living in Colorado. He enjoyed outdoor activities and loved going snow skiing in the wintertime. She was a bit of a homebody and preferred a quiet afternoon with a book.

One weekend in February, after a few hours of pleading, the husband convinced his wife to drive up ...