UPJOKE
nointegernilnumber0naughtciphernoughtcardinalreal numbernumeral systemnadazilchmathematicsadjust

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

What do you get when you divide bread by zero?

NaaN

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are nazis

That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of nazi friends to have

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Whoever invented zero,

Thanks for nothing!

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

My autobiography has sold zero copies so far

Story of my life.

TIL about the Indian mathematician Brahmagupta who developed the concept of Zero in 628 AD

Thanks for nothing Brahmagupta.

If you can divide by zero let me hear you say hell yeah

HELL YEAH!

No you can’t. Mathematically impossible. Don’t be Pavlovian, i’m looking for actual answers here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I have sex an average of twice a week

I have sex zero times a week

she has sex four times a week.

Your Momma So Fat…

Your Momma So Fat She didn’t float in zero gravity.

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to a doctor: “Doc, I want to live forever what should I do?”

The doctor thinks for a moment then asks the man do you drink?
I have a beer or two after work says the man.
OK from now on, no more drinking, ever, not even on your birthday.
Oh that sounds hard, says the man, but OK.
Do you smoke? The doctor asks.
Very little, I hav...

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three russian generals walks into a bar.

No wait, two Russian generals walks into a bar.

....one?

Zero?

Ukrainian bartender: "Fucking snipers, they kill all the jokes."

In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero

but he's 0k now.

A gymnast walks into a bar

The judge says, "Zero points".

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

How many ensigns does it take to clean the USS Enterprise?

Zero, space is a vacuum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are virgins so chill?

Zero fucks given.

My doctor told me some troubling news today.

He said: “Your body has zero magnesium.”

So I replied: “0mg”

We have a zero-tolerance policy

Here in the Republican Party

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day in artillery instruction, a colonel came to inspect our class.

First up was Private O'Hara. The colonel got in his face and asked him what reading he had on his 105-mm howitzer. "Two-nine-oh-seven, sir," was the reply.
"Soldier," said the colonel, "don't you know you never say 'oh' in the artillery? You say 'zero.' What's your name, soldier?"

"Zero Ha...

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

Does anyone know of an office job that will hire someone with zero verifiable experience?

Yes, the White House recently did. Apply there.

Scientists experimented on a guy and cooled his body down to absolute zero...

Don't worry, he's 0K

Why did the Buddhist vacuum cleaner have dirty window sills?

Because it had zero attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

We all know why six is afraid of seven, but the real question is, what did zero say to eight?

Hey, nice belt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many therapists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Zero, they tell the lightbulb to fix itself

Eating too much cake is a sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy.

I have no idea how she can feel that way.

Why did the circle divorce the line that had a zero slope?

**It had no inclination to change.**

A mathematician tried to divide his Reddit post by zero..

[undefined text]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The owner of the sex shop sold some lingerie to my girlfriend that has zero sex appeal.

But the lingerie is decent.

What kind of songs does Sub-Zero sing at his church in Helsinki?

FINNISH HYMNS!

Aryabhatta, an Indian scientist invented zero in 5 BC.

Legends say that he invented a time machine before zero. He traveled 2011 years in future and counted the number of original jokes on this sub and subtracted the value by 1, this led to the discovery of zero.

Yes this one is an original joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

What's Sub-Zero's favorite thing to order at a restaurant?

A combo

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

Did you hear

Did you hear about the space bar that had no chill?

It had zero atmosphere.

That’s a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying “oh my god” over and over.

Then he composes h...

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice belt.

Russia has the lowest number of people who have caught covid. It's practically zero.

Unfortunately, it is because in Soviet Russia, covid catches you.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a casino with some friends

He places some bets on the roulette but can't win a single one. After all the unfortunate bets, he's about to leave but sees how one of his friends comes after him with loads of chips.

-Man, I won big time!

-I can see! -says the man- Tell me, how did you do it? I've not won...

Multiplying by zero is just suicide in math: you don’t really get a solution, but the problem goes away.

Shower thoughts didn't like it, but maybe you will

When I was a boy, sometime in the mid-90s, I had absolutely zero friends. My concerned mother brought in the neighbor kids for a dreaded 'play date'..

It started out just awful. Everyone ignored me and horsed around. Once they started trying to wreck my moms furniture, I had to take out my secret weapon.

My dad had scored an early VHS release of the last years most popular movie. I could have been the only one in the country with this mo...

On date nights, I lean over to my girlfriend, and in a sugary voice I say: “null, nada, nix, naught, zilch, zero”

Because she likes it when I whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

A year ago my friend thought it would be funny to freeze himself to absolute zero.

He’s 0k now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I complained to my wife that we never have sex

Of course, zero fucks were given.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked an employee at the bank if they had any specials or promotions on loans and she said "Yeah! Zero interest!"

To which I responded, "Uhhhh, then can you maybe fuckin go find someone who's *interested* in helping me?"

People can be so rude.

Sub-Zero paid off his student loans...

Frugality...

How do you divide by Zero?

By becoming a kamikaze and splitting a ship in half

What’s the absolute value of zero?

lol

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

How did Scorpion console Sub-Zero when he broke up with his girlfriend?

GET OVER HER!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then light and now zero.

A Canadian research team has made history by freezing mice to temperatures of absolute zero.

Animal rights groups are outraged by the cruel tests performed on the animals.

But they’ll be 0K.

What do you call the patient zero for HIV

First aids

I read Nunavut still has zero Covid-19 cases.

I guess they're having none of it.

Can you please tell me how to pronounce the variable y subscripted by a zero?

Sure, why not.

In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What did the zero say to the 8?

Nice belt.

Surely you've heard that before but what did the three say to the eight?

Oh, get a room.

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

One time I accidentally walked into a freezer that was at absolute zero...

Don't worry, it was 0K

They've identified patient zero of the coronavirus

It's Batman.

Teacher: Whats the absolute zero?

Me: 0 K, Boomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

I bought an old used car, and I think it is from RE:ZERO

It is a Subaru that keeps dying all the time...

There's an ultracryogenic explosive that's perfectly safe until it's cooled to absolute zero.

0 K boomer.

What did the person who invented the zero say before telling the world about it?

Well, here goes nothing!

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

Why is zero equal to one?

cos 0 equals 1

The FIA will be introducing a new series of Grand Turismo races with zero emission fuel cell vehicles cleverly called Formula Zero,

or GTF0.

I tried telling a joke in zero gravity.

It didn't go down well.

What do zero and nil have in common?

Absolutely Nothing

I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today...

she said that was 0K

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.