If you enter into a room with a negative person in it,

there are now no people in the room!

Did you hear of the mathematician who’s terrified of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta tested negative for covid-19 last night...

Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever...

Don’t be negative

It’s should be called LubriCAN not Lubricant… that’s bad marketing.

It’s ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.

You probably won’t get struck by lightning.

My test results came back NEGATIVE!!!

Can IQ tests do that?

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

My doctor said the X-Ray was negative.

I was like, “aren’t they all?”

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date?

*"We have potential."*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

What do you call a snobbish and negative criminal walking down the stairs?

a condescending con descending

The math professor explained "two negatives becomes a positive, but two positives cannot become a negative"

A student rolled his eyes and said  "Yeah, yeah"

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rights make a wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

“In English”, he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language where a double positive can form a nega...

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

Why are horses always so negative?

Because they are neigh sayers.

SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...

Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

My girlfriend was feeling down and said "I'm such a negative person what if I drive you away?"

I reassured her and said "babe, that'll never happen; I have no place else to go"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

Chemistry joke

Proton and neutron were chilling in the nucleus one day, then proton asks neutron: “Why you only hangout with me in here instead of electron?”

Neutron replies: “He was too negative to begin with.”

The positive and negative

There was once a surprise meeting between the +ve and the -ve sign

The positive + sign was really intrigued and said well I am better than you since I add something of value .What are you here for it asked the -ve sign

The - sign said I am.here to make a difference!

Trump just got tested again, and he's still negative.

IQ, not COVID-19.

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer

I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign

"Vote for me, I won't abandon you in 2 months"

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took a diamond ring to the jeweler for appraisal, but all he had was a child’s plastic magnifying glass. I had no choice but to give him a negative review on Yelp,

but I still felt bad that I knocked him for a loupe.

R. Kelly has just tested negative for Covid 19

Bet if it was Covid 15 he'd be all over that though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

When people question you on your financial status

Hey look.. I don't check my bank balance coz I don't need that negative energy in my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family keeps making negative comments about me dating a black woman.

I am tired of hearing 'think of your children.' and 'what do you think will happen if your wife finds out?'

A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?

* “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematici...

My wife is so negative...

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

One of the most negative words...

..of 2020 is 'positive'.

Horses are such negative animals

They're such neighsayers

My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name over negative connotations

WTF?

I don't see why teachers don't like double negatives,

I think they're quite positive.

Trump tested negative for COVID-19, tomorrow's Headlines will go:

DONALD DUCKS COVID

Joaquin as Joker: All I have are negative thoughts

Jared as Joker: All I have are negative reviews

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

If the square root of - 1 = i What would the square root of negative Uno be?

i i i (ay ay ay!)

It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

What’s a negative thought?

Anyone on TikTok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

I was going to tell a joke about the pandemic...

But I have a negative feeling about it.

Farting under the covers is no longer called a Dutch oven...

It's a free Covid test. If you can still smell or taste it, you're negative.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

Double negatives are positives

Ain't nothin' right about that.

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