Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

I tested negative

For an IQ test

What do you call a snobbish and negative criminal walking down the stairs?

a condescending con descending

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.

When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"

A month later, the ...

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

The positive and negative

There was once a surprise meeting between the +ve and the -ve sign

The positive + sign was really intrigued and said well I am better than you since I add something of value .What are you here for it asked the -ve sign

The - sign said I am.here to make a difference!

My girlfriend was feeling down and said "I'm such a negative person what if I drive you away?"

I reassured her and said "babe, that'll never happen; I have no place else to go"

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Mr. President, your test came back negative

“My Corona Test?”

.
.
.
“No, your IQ test”.

What's a negative person's favorite martial art?

Tae Kwon Don't.

Trump just got tested again, and he's still negative.

IQ, not COVID-19.

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

Double Negative

A noted english professor speaking to his class states "there are no instances in American english whereby a double positive creates a negative". A student quips from the back of the classroom, "ya, right".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family keeps making negative comments about me dating a black woman.

I am tired of hearing 'think of your children.' and 'what do you think will happen if your wife finds out?'

TIL people with type A negative blood are more likely to become sick from COVID-19

I guess you gotta B positive during these rough times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please ignore the English errors. It's my fourth language.

Genie: I see you're short. Would you like to increase your height?

Me: Yes, please! I would give anything to increase my height.

Genie: Alright then, for every inch I increase your height, I'll reduce an inch of your penis. So, by how much do you want to increase your height?

Me...

R. Kelly has just tested negative for Covid 19

Bet if it was Covid 15 he'd be all over that though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took a diamond ring to the jeweler for appraisal, but all he had was a child’s plastic magnifying glass. I had no choice but to give him a negative review on Yelp,

but I still felt bad that I knocked him for a loupe.

One of the most negative words...

..of 2020 is 'positive'.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room ...

Horses are such negative animals

They're such neighsayers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

My wife is so negative...

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

Trump tested negative for COVID-19, tomorrow's Headlines will go:

DONALD DUCKS COVID

World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name over negative connotations

WTF?

Aging Realities

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

My friend said “you can’t take the square-root of a negative.”

She said I couldn’t..... but i can

I had a drug test at work today. It came back negative

My dealer has some explaining to do

I thought my blood type was A negative but then I got a blood test

I didn't know there was a blood type called HIV positive

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

I don't see why teachers don't like double negatives,

I think they're quite positive.

Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19

She tested alternative-negative

What do you call a trash can that is being negative...

A trash can’t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.

He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if y...

Why did Ronald lose the election?

People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative.

Home Covid Test

1. Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.

2. If you can smell the wine then drink it & see if you can taste it.

3. If you can taste & smell it confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative, thank God.

Tonight I ...

What do you call an italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?

A pesto-mystic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred

She's a perfect ten but imaginary

I got a test today.

It came back negative! Obviously I was really happy about it, but for some reason the guy conducting the IQ test seemed a little confused.

A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

After reading about all the negative effects of drinking and smoking I've decided to quit

reading

why is the russian roulette safest game ever

because i saw no negative reviews about the game

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

COVID-19 home test:

Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.

Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.

I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out ne...

Don’t use double negatives.

They’re a big no no.

I match with a lot of depressed girls on Tinder

All I have are negative thots.

My outlook on life is so bleak.

Even my blood type is negative.

Double negatives are positives

Ain't nothin' right about that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male teacher is teaching physics in an all girls school. One day, he was teaching the topic of electricity.

"A net electrical charge means the resulting electrical charge on an object. It normally means if an object has a majority of positive or negative charge. Do you understand?"

To this, his students stared at him blankly, some shaking their heads cautiously.

The teacher sighed and tried...

How did the priest get a negative balance in his checking account?

Clerical error.

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

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