The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

Man goes for a run, but not for a reason you may think.

Rick: “Honey, I’m home!”

Wife: “Oh my, you’re certainly sweating a lot! Did you finally go for a run?”

Rick: “That’s right, but-“

Wife: “I’m so proud of you! You should go running more often-“

Rick: “But-“

Someone knocks on the door.

Wife: “Who is it?”
...

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13 Reasons Why symbolises the shit women pull

they say 13 and end up giving 49

I've decided that I will not vote in the next election for the following reasons, please hear me out.





I'm 14

What is the reason for divorce?

Judge: "What is the reason for divorce?"

Applicant: "I found out that he was the owner of the apartment we used to rent for 2 years?"

The Sword in the Stone is a tale of legend. Only the true King could remove the sword. All that failed did so for one reason.

They did not have arthurization.

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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There's a guy doing 60 in a 30 zone, so a policeman pulls him over Policeman says to driver: "I have reason to believe you've been doing drugs, sir." Driver replies: "Why, cos I'm black?!"

Policeman: "No, sir, cos you haven't got a fucking car."

The reason nobody’s laughing at your quarantine memes is

because they’re all just inside jokes.

Never forget that you're someone's reason to smile...

Because you're a joke.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to th...

Dracula is vegan for 1 reason..

Stake kills him.

I'm one of the world's greatest calligraphers, but only with pronouns, for some reason.

Fancy that.

For obvious reasons, I invested heavily in crematoria.

Also joined the anti-vaxxers league.

The real reason why women don’t like men under 6 feet

Is because it’s hard to have a conversation with the dead.

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

The reason why girls don’t go to the bathroom alone:

Pee-er Pressure.

Not having a pencil sharpener is useless for two reasons

1 - Pencils would be pointless

2 - Pencils would be pointless

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. The reason for the crash?

Left wing destroyed

The reason Trump didn't declare a national emergency last week...

...is because he was spending his time learning two very big words.

The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus...

It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ?

A Loco-motive!

I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason...

Too *mushroom* for error.

Cheating For the Right Reasons

An old couple was having dinner one night when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Theresa, soon we’ll have been married for 50 years, and there's something I have to ask you. In those 50 years, have you ever cheated on me?"

Theresa replied, "David, I ...

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

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Reason for Corona toilet roll hoarding solved

One person sneezes and ten people shit themselves.

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

The reason why anti-vaxxers don't worry about a zombie apocalypse arising is....

because they don't have a brain

2/3 of all impeached presidents were done so for the same reason

for embarrassing Hillary Clinton

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a...

5 reasons to date me

1 - there’s

2 - a hundred

3 - and

4 - days

5 - of summer vacation

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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A bunch of Two's walked into a bar and everybody hated on them for no reason.

Did I say two's? Sorry, I meant Jews.

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

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The Pope and, for some odd reason, Epstein both die and go to Heaven.

They share greetings and the Pope says, ‘I am so glad to be here. Cannot wait to finally meet the Virgin Mary’. Epstein looks at the Pope, shrugs, and replies: You are 10 minutes too late.

Sometimes i just start talking to myself for no reason

haha me too!

The reason it’s called the American dream

is because you have to be asleep to see it

There is a reason why you don’t see many paper jokes.

They are all tearable.

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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason t...

Music artists need stop attacking people for no reason

They producing the wrong hits.

You are someone's reason to smile

Because jokes make people laugh

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

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What's one reason you should not join the Nazi party?

It is just nazi reich thing to do! ^^^^Also, ^^^^fuck ^^^^nazis

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

My doctor said the reason why I am sorry and then mad all the time is because I am bipolar

I told him no, it's because I'm half Italian and half Canadian

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What do you call a pregnant woman getting mad for no reason?

Ovary-action.

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The reasoning behind both Japan's aging population and healthy lifestyle

A long-running fear of another Fat Man and Little Boy

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

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My Jewish co-worker says that he can't work on Saturdays for "religious reasons".

I don't know though, that seems a bit Unorthodox to me.

What does an anti-vaxxer say when confronted with logical reasoning?

“BEGONE, THOUGHT!”

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The reason most girls do not like anal

its just a pain in the ass

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

Whats the most common reasons why musicians go to jail?

For Hitting A Minor

There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming.

Every time he says something he hears "Jesus Christ..."

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

A man and his wife were sitting having breakfast when the wife said...

"If I were to die would you get married again?".

The man said "That's a terrible thing to say. It's such a beautiful morning and we're having a wonderful breakfast together you bring up this horrible thing about death. Forget about it."

But his wife didn't forget about it and she brou...

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 kph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approa...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

There's a reason people don't make jokes about the Jonestown massacre!

The punch line is too long.

There are rumours that the reason I'm leaving the company is because I was fired for breaking the windshield of my boss's Honda car...

the truth is... It's of my own Accord

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Blondes...

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy and will have to sit in the back....

Q.What to do when people hate you for no reason?

Ans: punch them in the face.....now they will hate you for a reason.........better right?

I decided to name the spider I found in my room, cotton eye Joe, based on two reasons:

1. Where did you come from
2. Where did you go

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder

1. The DNA all matches
2. There are no dental records

My coworker was showing off a tattoo, and I said I couldn't get any for myself.

I said, "if I got a tattoo, I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

"Oh! I didn't know you were Jewish!"

"I'm not. That's the third reason I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

The Reason God created marriage..

So death wasn't so disappointing.

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For some reason pee jokes rank higher than poop jokes. I don’t care.

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit!!

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

A guy goes skydiving for the first time.

The instructor goes over the procedure with him.

“That plane will take you up,” the instructor says. “The pilot will let you know when you are over the drop zone. Jump out the back door of the plane and watch your altimeter. When it says 2000 ft, pull the red cord. It’ll deploy your main para...

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Penis study...

I haven't seen this one in +20 years so here goes..

PENIS STUDY

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00 The results of the study concluded that the reaso...

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I’ve been searching tirelessly for just ONE reason to prove that Bono isn’t a complete cunt.

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

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In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"

"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"

"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."

"One: you ...

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I bought a Microsoft advent calendar...

But if you open too many windows at once, they shut down for no fucking reason.

The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

A man was waiting at a red light..

When an alligator and a parrot approach his window. The man rolls down his window to see what they want. The alligator says "excuse me sir we've got reason to believe you've taken hallucinagenics"

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

Bob, a Neanderthal furniture craftsman, lugs his latest stone creation into Harry’s store.

Harry is the proud owner of Pleistocene Man Home, a thriving home goods and flint cave.

Bob, still breathing heavily from his labor, says to Harry, “Here new chair. Soft slate. No crack. Has club holder.

Harry is impressed. “Good chair! Better than chair you make for Doug”

“W...

A woman goes to buy a tv

She goes to the salesman and says, “I’d like to buy this tv good sir.”
He says, “I’m sorry ma’am but I cannot sell to blondes.” Upset the woman leaves

It is the next day and she wears a different outfit with a wig. The woman is sure the salesman won’t recognize her. She says, “I’d like to ...

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.



The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Mak...

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

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The Real reason Hitler took his life,

He got his gas bill.

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to masturbate.

But you're also somebody's reason for limp dick.

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical s...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

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I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

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A Comedian Once Told Me..

“ Whenever the audience doesn’t react to your jokes, there are two ways to get them to laugh. First, say motherfucker for no reason at all. Aloud. Awkward silence. If this doesn’t work, tell them a dick joke. Shove imaginary cylindrical object into your mouth like you are giving a blowjob. If neithe...

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

When my friend asked me why I have a “Trump 2020” sticker on my car, I tell them it’s for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting...

...when asked for a reason, I confessed: "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

The Ikea saleslady wants a relationship with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

There are two main reasons I don’t let my girlfriend use my PlayStation.

1) I don’t have a PlayStation.

2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

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Sex on the Sabbath

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest.
He asks for the priest's opinion:

After consulting the Bible, the priest says.
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is wo...

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

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