UPJOKE
rationalitylogicfactintellectcauseinferthinkwhytheorizephilosophydeducethoughttraditionexplanationjustification

I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name "School"

If we renamed all education centres as "Uterus" then republicans might actually care about what's inside them.

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

The reason why my English teacher dumped me

I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

I think I know the reason the film American Psycho has stayed so popular…

Everyone can get behind the message of murdering Jared Leto

A reasonable woman

A man eats with his wife in a fine restaurant. A strange woman comes to the table, kisses the man, and says, "See you in the evening, darling," and walks away. The woman stares at the man and asks, "Who the hell was that?" "Yeah, that's," replies the man, "well, that's my girlfriend." “Oh, is that s...

remember : you will always be someone's reason to smile

Because you're a joke

Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

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A Great Classic is a classics for a reason.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


Because 7 ate 9!

Why does 10 suffer from PTSD?


Because the poor son of a bitch was right in the middle of 9/11.

The reason the bank account of I, a trans person, is empty.

Every action I make is a transaction.

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

How did Kim Kardashian explain to her daughter the reason why Kanye is acting this way?

“North, my relationship with West has gone totally South.”

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I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

What’s the reason for an acute shortage of steel in the world?

Zelenski’s Balls!

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt

is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

My wife said: “You never call me for no reason.

I said, “You’re welcome!”

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.

I just really feel the words a lot more.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particul...

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Mom: Wake up, son. It's time to go to school

Son: But why? Everyone in the school hates me


Mom: Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school


Son: Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?


MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are...

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

You won't believe the reason Eminem stopped being antivax and decided to get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine!!

You only get one shot.

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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Life is like a penis

Women make it hard for no reason

Which theme park attraction is the most reasonable?

The Fairest Wheel.

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

I was on a plane and I saw one of friends there

I said hi Jack, everybody looked terrified for some reason

A Knife Juggler

A man was pulled over by a police officer.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat. Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them...

A man needs a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He's not the richest of men, which puts the nicer cake shops out of the question. However, he's confident that he can figure something out.

Down the road from where he lives, an old Buddhist man owns a pastry store. He's a kind man, with reasonable prices and a perpetual smile on his face. Ho...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

What's the main reason for divorce?

Marriage.

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

Four reasons why it would suck to be an egg.

1. You get laid only once.
2. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
3. It takes 3 minutes to get hard.
4. You come in a box with eleven others.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

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The day the penis asked for a raise.

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons: do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with ver...

For two years I didn't go anywhere and didn't interact with people at all.

But now that the lockdowns are over... I will have to come up with another reason.

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

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Everyone needs a reliable DD

A man pulls out of the parking lot of a busy Bar at closing time, he begins to swerve and drive eratic. The officer that was parked across the street turned his lights on and pulls him over.. At this time more cars began to leave and everyone who passed honked and waved. The officer paid it no atte...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

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Mickey Mouse finds out his wife is cheating, and files for divorce.

He comes home from work one day and says: "Honey, I'm hooooome!"
Thereafter no response. That's weird. He thinks to himself.
He goes about his business, and begins putting his things away when he hears a sound. It's his bead creaking coming from upstairs in his bedroom.
Someone is in my ro...

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

Family vacation

A family of five is going on vacation. They've rented an RV for the cross country trip.
They loaded the RV with household items, clothing, recreational gear, pets and food. Off they go!

The car crashes into a brick wall minutes after starting the journey. Everyone is killed except the pet ...

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

Do you know the reason children seem invincible?

It's because they can only take minor damage.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She reasoned...

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

My gf enjoys neck kisses.

But for some reason, she hates it when I call myself a neck romancer.

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street

The brunette looked in the window of a flower shop and said
"Oh no, it's my boyfriend and he's buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde said "Don't you like to get flowers?"

The brunette said "It's not that. It's just that every time he gives them to me he expects somethi...

The Brass Rat

One day a guy was browsing in an antique shop. He didn't find anything he liked and was about to leave, when suddenly at the back of a shelf he spied a brass rat. It was fascinating, the detail was incredible, he couldn't take his eyes off it. He brought it up to the counter to ask how much it wa...

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The reason why I am getting a divorce..

On my birthday, my wife didn't acknowledge my birthday, my son didn't acknowledge my birthday, my coworkers didn't acknowledge my birthday.

When my manager called me in, she said happy birthday. I said oh! Thanks!

Then she said, wanna get some lunch? And i was like, ok....

Then ...

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The founding fathers were having a discussion about the originations of their last names

"I wonder if someone in my family ran a laundry business" mused George Washington, "that may be the reason"

"I suppose mine is more boring, at some point there must have been a Jeffer son", said Thomas Jefferson.

"I don't like this game", said John Hancock

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

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What a strange bar (long)

A salesman had to make a cold call in a city he had never visited. He checked into a hotel the night before his presentation. Bored, he decided to take a walk and find a bar nearby. He found a nice little bar about a block away, sat down at a table and ordered a drink. He noticed 4 walnuts sitti...

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

My blood sometimes, for no reason at all, decides to not carry enough oxygen.

I have fickle cell anemia.

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

What’s the difference between a starfish and Vladimir Putin?

One is brainless, spineless, and impossible to reason with.

The other one is a starfish.

Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes?

For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

an officer walked up to a car he just pulled over to talk to the guy who was speeding

cop: do you have any reason for going 85 in a 70?

man: uh… no.. no reason

cop: thats kind of suspicious, is there anything in your car I should no about?

man: no, only things you shouldn’t know about

(i just remembered this joke from a joke I had at 3am so the wording mi...

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

The reason why Marx never finished college

There was a class conflict

Zelensky recieves a call from an unknown number (a joke)

Anon: Sir, I have a clear shot at putin. How much will you pay me for successful elimination?

Zelensky: 1 million dollas for not killing putin.

The man shocked at the response, asks for a reason for this.

Zelensky: No way the next guy they put in is going to be this incompetent

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a little story

I know the manager of a car dealership who was trying to get a personal car started on and off for years. (Had it sitting in the back of the company workshop)

One night they got broken into and upon looking at the footage it was a group of young people. The cars were gone.

He went stra...

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

A drunk rings the doorbell at dawn

The owner of the house gets up and through the window asks:

- What do you want? Where are you?
- Hello, I know it's late - shouts the drunk - but I need someone to push me, and your house is the only one in this region. You need to push me!

Crazy as hell, the newly awake replies: ...

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

There's a reason Bri ish people don' pronounce their T's

We drank them all.

Sometines I talk to myself for no reason....

Me too!!

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons.

I drink it for other reasons.

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

Eating dogs is frowned upon….

…not just for medical and ethical reasons, but because the meat is also a little ruff.

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Dead Cow and the Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly conti...

Why do nuns wear the same thing every day?

No reason, it’s just their habit.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

We all have that one relative...

I'm not saying which relative…but a relative just called and asked if I would loan her $800.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her ba...

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

The true reason that the Titanic sank...

The combined weight of all the time travelers that suddenly appeared onboard.

I have a very good reason not to trust trees

They seem shady

Theres a reason it's called a blunt

you don't feel as sharp after it

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. They were upset for no reason.

Especially my wife.

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament

Because of his terrible driving

Three reasons why you don't wanna be an Egg

You only get laid ONCE

You only get ate ONCE

And the only one to sit on your face is your MOTHER

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American goes to Ireland (long) NSFW

An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub. As he starts drinking more and more, he has to release the valve and goes to the restroom. The urinals were occupied, so the man opens a stall. When he opens a stall he sees a little man in green suit. The little man in the green suit says, '...

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.

There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up.

Pun-ishment

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

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