Sir John Harrington, the inventor of the flush toilet, is well remembered for two reasons.

Number 1 and Number 2

(Note: Ancient civilizations like the Mesopotamians and Minoans can also lay claim to inventing flush toilets too, I guess)

The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is

Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.

My wife said: “You never call me for no reason.

I said, “You’re welcome!”

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

If someone hates you for no reason, punch them in the face.

Now they will hate you for a reason.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt

is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...

Jack got cold feet.

You won't believe the reason Eminem stopped being antivax and decided to get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine!!

You only get one shot.

Four reasons why it would suck to be an egg.

1. You get laid only once.
2. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
3. It takes 3 minutes to get hard.
4. You come in a box with eleven others.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

A possible reason for the facebook outage

Bruno Fernandes' penalty had hit the satellite

What was the number 1 reason for requesting medical marijuana?

'I need it for my joints!'

What's the main reason for divorce?

Marriage.

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

Do you know the reason children seem invincible?

It's because they can only take minor damage.

My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me." He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!" She reasoned...

"Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

My blood sometimes, for no reason at all, decides to not carry enough oxygen.

I have fickle cell anemia.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

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The reason why I am getting a divorce..

On my birthday, my wife didn't acknowledge my birthday, my son didn't acknowledge my birthday, my coworkers didn't acknowledge my birthday.

When my manager called me in, she said happy birthday. I said oh! Thanks!

Then she said, wanna get some lunch? And i was like, ok....

Then ...

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

For some fowl reason, probably.

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

How are a push-up-bra and a bag of chips alike?

It is only when you open them, that you realise they are halfway empty.




*PS: i work in a chips factory and i know the reason why the bags contain so much air*

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

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A classic joke with a twist ending

Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do Child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Ye...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

The reason why Marx never finished college

There was a class conflict

Today I broke the lamp outside my neighbor's house

For some reason he's delighted

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

My kids are my everything. My whole world. They are the reason I get up in the morning.

Without them crying every morning...I might need an alarm clock.

Three reasons why you don't wanna be an Egg

You only get laid ONCE

You only get ate ONCE

And the only one to sit on your face is your MOTHER

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime ...

I couldn't find a store that sold reused bombs for some reason

So I bought a new-trino bomb

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

The real reason my wife hates when I mansplain

When catch myself accidentally over explaining something to my wife, I turn it into a joke about mansplaining; by first explaining what mansplaining is and then over-explaining what mansplaining is, but she never understands it because she’s a woman.

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

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How to get your raise!?

The maid asked for a raise. The woman asked her why.

Maid : "For three reasons.
Number 1, I iron clothes better than you."

Woman : "Who said that?"

Maid : "Your husband said that"

Woman : "Ohhh, Okay fine"

Maid : "Secondly, I cook better than you"<...

The kids saw a hot-dog stand

They went near it and their stomach already started to rumble. There was not a single penny in their pockets. The boy said, "What are we gonna do?", which the girl replied," Lets just take a quick smell". And they both took a deep breath

Suddenly the vendor emerged and shouted at the kids, "W...

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Two firms had a row competition

A Japanese and a Finnish company decided to have 2km row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and Japanese won by 1km.
Finnish companys leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis the leadership showed its value: They wanted to have new compet...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

My wife told to be more in touch with my feminine side

So i crashed her car.

And then ignored her all day for no reason.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

There are 2 reasons you shouldn't rely on procrastinators.

1). They never finish anything

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

Why did the physician decide to go into dermatology?

No reason, it was really more of a rash decision.

There's a reason Bri ish people don' pronounce their T's

We drank them all.

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan


the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser....

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

A fantasy joke

A dwarf rides up to a brothel on the back of a donkey holding a honeycomb wrapped in oilskin. He walks up to the madam.

"My good woman, I've been alone on the road for weeks. I would trade you this donkey," he said, gesturing at the beast he rode in on, "For a room and a woman, and this honey...

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

I finally got a name change!

My name is now legally Joe, but for some reason people stopped taking me seriously.





They think I’m Joe King

What do you call a list with columns and rows of reasons why you hate people?

A contempt-table

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My girlfriend left me today and she gave me two reasons why...

That my penis is too big, and I lie too much.

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament

Because of his terrible driving

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

The true reason that the Titanic sank...

The combined weight of all the time travelers that suddenly appeared onboard.

Sometines I talk to myself for no reason....

Me too!!

I have a very good reason not to trust trees

They seem shady

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

There's a reason why Dads tell more dad jokes to kids who act up.

Pun-ishment

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks.

They're mouth-breathers anyway.

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. They were upset for no reason.

Especially my wife.

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Did you hear about Mickey and Minnie?

They’re going through a real rough divorce. Things got so chaotic in the courtroom—Minnie was screaming, Mickey threw a chair—that the judge took Mickey back into his quarters to calm him down.

As he’s talking to him the judge says “I just don’t understand it you guys seemed so happy. And th...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I don't see any reason not to print more money.

Tell me one and I'll give you a Trillion Zimbabwe Dollars.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

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Once upon the time in a kingdom

Once upon the time in a kingdom far far away, lived a king and his beautiful but unfaithful hot queen.
For unknown reason, the barbarian invaded. Before the king rush to the border with the army, he puts a specially designed chastity belt on his wife and took the key with him.
This chastity be...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

I found out the real reason Johnny Cash only wore black.

So they wouldn't call him Johnny Clash.

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

Theres a reason it's called a blunt

you don't feel as sharp after it

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

For some reason CBS wouldn't let me stream the super bowl. I had to switch to the ESPN spanish simulcast.

It worked out because BRADY-GRONKOWSKI-GOALLLLLLLLL!!!!! is the same in every language.

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

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The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock.....

is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.

There is a reason why Daniel Craig has grey hair in the new James Bond film.

It's because he's got 'No Time to Dye'.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

Thought about a programming workshop called "Teaching Seniors to Code!"

Hospital didn't like my idea for some reason

Subscriptions

Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why?"

Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.

Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

I told the cute girl at the grocery store that I wanted to make her mine. Was all smiles and as happy as anything...

For some reason, she got mad when I gave her a pick axe and a helmet with a light on the front.

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

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She loves going commando

There was once a woman who never wore panties. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying the view.

After trying on her fifth pair of shoes, the salesman can't stand it anymore and said "Lady, that is a beautiful si...

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. I could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that

he was Jewish.

Basketball sued Tennis for no reason

Now they have to go to court

The reason Saudi Arabia has so much money, is not because of the oil...

It's because they wouldn't let their women spend it.

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A joke I heard a priest tell decades ago that for some reason stayed with me

A drunk man is walking home through a graveyard at the end of an evening, and in the dark, he falls into an unfinished grave that's still being dug.

He tries and tries to climb the dirt walls and fails, so he yells and yells for help, but no one is nearby. So finally he lies down and goes to...

Inheritance

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men'...

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

On the Sherrifs Wife’s Death Bed

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened, and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for fr...

Reason for getting fired

Don't you think, that getting fired for such a little, like dropping something small on the floor, is quite exaggerated?

\-- Hellen, midwife

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...

“And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask?”, said the wealthy homeowner.

“3 reasons: Because I’m a better cook than you are”, said the maid.

“Who told you that?”

“Your husband. And I’m also better at cleaning.”

“Who told you that?”

“Also your husband.”
...

Man goes for a run, but not for a reason you may think.

Rick: “Honey, I’m home!”

Wife: “Oh my, you’re certainly sweating a lot! Did you finally go for a run?”

Rick: “That’s right, but-“

Wife: “I’m so proud of you! You should go running more often-“

Rick: “But-“

Someone knocks on the door.

Wife: “Who is it?”
...

Did you know over 1 million wash basins are confiscated at the border every year for no reason?

Let that sink in...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was concerned, because she thinks most of the reason I stay with her is because she gives an amazing blowjob...

I assured her it’s all in her head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar ...

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away.

After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me."

The man looked surprised as the woman was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

2/3 of all impeached presidents were done so for the same reason

for embarrassing Hillary Clinton

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