I'm not quitting sword fighting because I'm hopeless at it.

I have to quit due to medical reasons.

I keep getting this sharp, stabbing pain.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming.

Every time he says something he hears "Jesus Christ..."

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

I like toilets for 2 reasons:

Number 1:
And number 2.

What if the real reason aliens don't visit us is because...

...we're a one star planet?

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

Just remember you are someone's reason to smile.

Because you're a joke.

The Ikea saleslady wants a relationship with me for some reason

All I wanted was one nightstand

The only jokes I can make are LGBTQ+ jokes for some reason

I take pride in that

You know how kids sometimes cry for the most ridiculous reasons ever?

Well, I was on a bus on my way home when this boy sitting there suddenly decided that he wants to walk, but his dad kept telling him that he can't. So when the boy started crying because of that, I was laughing so hard, because why would you want to walk in the bus? Just stay in your wheelchair.

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I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

The reason there is no Wal-Mart's in the middle east.

Because there is a target at every corner.

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

The only reason Jeff bezos got a divorce

Was because he realised it was a union

Three reasons to stand up:

1) To get the remote.

2) To go to the bathroom.

3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

For some reason, im friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet .

I just dont know why

A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. We can reason he lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

\[Edit\] My first attempt at an original joke. I'll show myself out.

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

There is a reason why "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is such a well known song.

The desire to sing it is only ever a whim away.

A whim away.

A whim away a whim away.

Do you know the reasons why most melons live alone?

Because they can't elope

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Me Too

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder

1. The DNA all matches
2. There are no dental records

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:

1. They would spend it on alcohol.

2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

There is only one vegetable righteous enough to face judgement day and for good reason!

Lettuce pray.

I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

My wife was disappointed to find out the real reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine"

It’s because I sucked at tennis

When my friend asked me why I have a “Trump 2020” sticker on my car, I tell them it’s for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

There’s a reason why China has so many fake items

And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’

There’s only one reason I don’t ask out girls who like me.

I don’t date people with poor-decision making skills.

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

Trump and I take Xanax for different reasons.

I take them for *my* panic attacks; he takes them for hispanic attacks.

Reasons to date me

- I'm Single
- For God's sake.
- Please

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Some bloke at the bus station hit me with a stick for no reason.

Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.


Just for good measure, I kicked his labrador as well.

My uncle used to be on a SWAT team, but they kicked him off for some reason.

I don't know why though, he got twenty assists in one hostage mission.

There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm doing 160

and those flashing lights on your car look ridiculous

Wife: I don't see any reason why you would need to drink a whole six pack right before you go to bed!

Me: That's only because there aren't any mirrors around here...

Why would someone need a Death Star?

For Alderaan reasons.

For some reason, all my friends think I'm too patronizing

That means they think I talk to people like they're stupid.

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives

Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

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My ex had a good reason to break up with me

Someone posted a video of a strip club with me in the back getting a lap dance

Yea my boyfriend didn't really like that I wasn't gay

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My family is the only reason I keep living

I don't want to give those fuckers the satisfaction of my suicide.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Do you want to know the real reason I can’t be part of a threesome?

I can only handle disappointing one person at a time.

Everyday my wife gets mad at me for no reason when I wake up. Tonight I’m going to change this.

“Why are you on my side of the bed?!” She said

“We are switching places tonight.” I replied

“Why?!”

“Because every morning you seem to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.”

I left my wife for the same reason I left Netflix...

Too many period dramas.

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“It’s impossible,” said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless,”said reason. “Give it a try,” said the heart,

"You're full of shit" said the bowels.

What are the 5 worst reasons to be an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get hard once, you only get eaten once, the only person to sit on your face is your mom, and you come in a box with 11 other guys.

I know there's a reason why I cut my hands off.

I just can't put my finger on it right now.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Do you know the real reason Bigfoot is so good at hiding?

...he owes Chuck Norris money

There's a reason they call it "March Madness".

A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells “This is for the Vols!” and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes h...

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

There's just one reason the car from the Dukes of Hazzard isn't as good as the car from Knight Rider...

General Lee speaking

I left my ex for the same reason I was with her for so long.

She sucked.

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For some reason I always get a huge boner on the school bus

Does any other bus driver have this problem?

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

I have 2 reasons why I can't work in construction

When I'm sober I blame my back, when I'm not I blame my BAC

A Mexican gang member stole a train for some crazy reason...

Police still don't know anything besides the fact that he has a loco motive.

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

Today of all days, don’t forget the reason for the season...

...the axial tilt of the Earth relative to the sun.

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was daytime."

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.

I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

The only reason why humans start wars

is because we have time to kill

The real reason not all Costco’s sell ice...

they don’t want to refund every person with a cup of water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men look at boobs for the same reason a little kid looks at puppies in a cage.

We both just want to set them free and play with them.

I live for two reasons:

1. I was born.

2. I haven’t died yet.

The reason that men can read maps better than women...

They intuitively understand that one inch equals a mile

What is the real reason behind Bezos's divorce?

Cause marriage counts as a union.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

There is one reason I’m not into comic books

There are too many issues in the industry

My friend who died last week left a note stating that his girlfriend was the reason for his suicide.

It was the only time in the last 3 years that they were both on the same page.

Went to church for the first time in a long time, for some reason the priest doesn’t look at me like he did when I was younger

Wait

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A guy calls his boss to tell him he cannot go to work for personal reasons.

His boss responds, "Every time I feel down, I have sex with my wife. It always makes me feel better. You should try it too.

Two hours later, the employee responds, "you are right! I feel much better. I'll be in soon. I never realized how far of a commute you have every day!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you pay money to scammers who email you to say they have video of you masturbating to porn, it will be for one of two reasons:

Either they saw you coming, or they saw you coming.

[TIL] The scientific reason Canadian geese flight pattern is always more geese on one side.

Geese can't count

Spotify won't let me listen to any Hungarian composers for some reason

I feel so lisztless

What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.

The reason Jesus hasn’t returned yet

Is because his people are actually worshipping the instrument of his death.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

The details are sketchy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason the nazis never conquered Brazil

Because they all knew jew jitsu

I didn't become a comedian for the same reason I didn't become a midwife...

I always murder the delivery.

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Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “Awww Mom! I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM : “Give me two good reas...

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