I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all use gas lighting.

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What is that one thing that 2 people take from each other and none of them has it in the end?

Virginity.

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

In 2015, none of us got the answer right to

"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser....

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks

Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:

-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.

-None, miss. The others will fly away!

-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.

Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.

-Yes?<...

I'm the happy father of 5 kids and none are vaccinated!

Edit: 4 kids

Edit 2: 2 kids

Edit 3: i will have a kid in just 9 months!

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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Canada was giving away provinces and territories. I said that I wanted none of it.

Instead, they gave me the biggest fucking territory they had.

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes

None of them work.

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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It's my cake day, so here's a classic!

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a sex shop and...

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Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

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I'm gonna open up a business called "none of your business"

We won't tell you what we sell. Fuck you.

How many capitalists are needed to change a lightbulb?

None. Capitalists are not _needed_ for anything. They just tagged along to ask for lighting subsidies

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A man walks into a bar and says, "A round for everyone and one for the bartender!"

So everyone takes their drinks and the bartender says to the man, "That'll be forty dollars."

The man says "What? I haven't got any money."

So the bartender beats him up and makes him throws him out.

The next day the man returns and says again "A round for everyone and one for t...

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A 70 year old, an 80 year old and a 90 year old are sitting in a bar.

None of them have aged too well, so each are taking it upon themselves to explain the effects old age is having on them. The 70 year old says “Man, nothing works proper anymore. I swear, when I get up in the morning, it takes a good half hour to take a shit. And that’s on a good day - sometimes ther...

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.

Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

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In the Beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervi...

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None of my friends wanted to go to the masturbation convention with me.

So I came by myself

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

So, I asked the blonde waitress, "Can I ask about the menu please?"

She screamed back, "The men I please is none of your business."

How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?

None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

sadly none of them work.

None if the nail art tutorials on youtube are good

All the thumbnails look trashy.

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A man is at a bar in London around 1985, having a drink with a girl.

He really wants to impress her. He looks over to another table and sees none other than Freddie Mercury!

“Oh my god!” Says his date, “I love him! Let’s get an autograph!”

“Nah”, the man replied, “he’s a bit of a knob”

“You know him?” his date asked incredulously

“Oh, yea...

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

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Racism is not a joke

Hi, I've travelled around the world a little bit and I've had many wonderful experiences, although the story I'm about to share is one of the worst experiences in my life.

I went to Japan a few years ago and for the most part had a wonderful time and found the people to be amazingly friendly ...

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Can you believe what happened in DC?

Never seen so much press for a micropenis convention, at least none I’ve been to.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

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Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.

He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.

The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and...

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

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An American visit Russia

and walks into a bar., saying “I’ve heard that Russians drink a lot, but I’m going to bet $500 that none of you will chug a whole bottle of vodka in one go.”.
Suddenly the bar goes quiet, no one takes the bet, one drunk even left. A few minutes later the drunk comes back and asks “Is your bet sti...

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I can tell none of the bosses at my work have Hemroids.

They are all perfect ass holes.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

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The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

Why can't you hang around after a yoga class?

Because, none must stay.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

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The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

Trump is visiting a class

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my bes...

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None! They just stand in the dark and ask God what they did to deserve it!

A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.

The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.

A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mu...

I'm amazed none of my coworkers at the crematorium liked my bake sale idea

I locally sourced the flour

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

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How many virgins does it take to put in a lightbulb

An infinite amount because none of them can screw

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

A man goes to a restaurant and asks waitress "Can I know about the menu please"

The waitress ignores him.
The man politely asks again, "Can you let me know about the menu please"
The waitress ignores him again.
The man being a gentleman he was, asks again, "I want to know the menu please!"
The waitress gets irritated and responds, "It's none of your business to know...

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give...

I hate nicknames.

Nicholas, Nicole, Nikki, Nick, Nikolai, none of them hit the ear right.

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

Why did none of the girls at Hogwarts ever get pregnant?

Fetus Deletus!

An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down

He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Fe...

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he’s the one with t...

I had a great time travel joke to tell you guys.

But it turned out that none of you liked it.

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him a happy birthday.....

....So as he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"



He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.



In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful da...

Every day three nuns would walk down the same street that led them from church to a reformatory.

One day they noticed a parrot at the entrance of a big residential house. As they walked by they heard it yell out “Yellow, blue, black.”

Confused at first one of the nuns later realized that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the oth...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

A farmer with a pet sheep has a serious problem...

The sheep is in heat and damaging the house. His daughter loves the sheep and he has no male sheep at all.
Considering the problem he decides on a solution and asks a young worker on his crew, who is a good lad but none too bright if he would be willing to “take care of” Bessie the sheep for $500...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many ‟friend zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it will not screw.

How come there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but none about Clint Eastwood?

Clint Eastwood is no joke.

Two blondes are walking in forest searching for a Christmas tree

They both walk a long time but couldn't find a good one. Hour by hour passes but still none of them are good enough. It's already getting pitch dark. It's already midnight and finally one of them suddenly says "ugh, let's just pick one without decorations"

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

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The Farmer

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant b...

I have five kids and none of them will ever be vaccinated.

Do you have any idea how expensive college is?

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

none

Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. ‟Stay where you’re,” she said. ‟He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet...

My folks told this story of how they went through several doctors to get me circumcised.

I guess none of them made the cut.

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

Women treat me like a corndog

They want all the bread and none of the meat

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The pastor's first mass

The young pastor was so nervous before his first mass that he could not speak a word. He asks the bishop for advice, and he tells him to pour two drops of vodka in a glass of water and drink it.

The young pastor does as advised and immediately felt so good that nothing could stop him.
<...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

I keep submitting jokes to Reddit but none of them get popular. Last week I posted ten puns!

I thought at least one of them would get trending.

As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

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There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die

He's unbereavable

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