UPJOKE
noneitheronenotanynothingsomealthoughthosebutthanbothalleitherever

None Jokes

The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.

The earth is flat.

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

Why did none of the women King Midas dated want to marry him?

They got gold feet.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

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your masturbation is none of my business

you do you

None of us thought that our friend Opie would be a good mailman.

But Opie delivered.

Second to None

When the Second Division set up shop in South Korea, it did so with its slogan proudly displayed at the front gate: "Second to None". A few months later, a South Korean base opened two miles down the road. The sign greeting visitors read "You are now entering the famed sector of the South Korean ROK...

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now?

A concussion.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

I'm the happy father of 5 kids and none are vaccinated!

Edit: 4 kids

Edit 2: 2 kids

Edit 3: i will have a kid in just 9 months!

None of my friends are ugly...

Because I don’t have any!!

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.

The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.

A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mu...

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."

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None of my friends wanted to go to the masturbation convention with me.

So I came by myself

Did you hear that none of the destroyed businesses in Man of Steel were paid out by insurance?

Turns out their policies didn't cover an "act of Zod"

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

Can you imagine if none of the midwives showed up for a birth?

That would be a midwife crisis

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

None if the nail art tutorials on youtube are good

All the thumbnails look trashy.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

Wonder why none of the world leaders have coronavirus?

They all have diplomatic immunity.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

sadly none of them work.

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Canada was giving away provinces and territories. I said that I wanted none of it.

Instead, they gave me the biggest fucking territory they had.

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

Little Johnny strikes again



### Teacher: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None.

### Teacher: Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None!

### Teacher: Can you explain...

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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I can tell none of the bosses at my work have Hemroids.

They are all perfect ass holes.

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

Why did none of the girls at Hogwarts ever get pregnant?

Fetus Deletus!

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There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die

He's unbereavable

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

What is communism?

- Let me explain.. If you had 2 yachts and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course.
- Well, that's communism. Another example, if you had 2 homes and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course I would.
- See, its easy. If you had 2 coats for example...

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What is the difference between someone that had one sexual experience and someone that had none?

On average, 10 minutes.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

A bus, seated with 30 married women, crashed. None survived.

The husbands of the victims all cried for a week.

But one man cried for two weeks instead — so a friend asked, “did you have two wives in that bus?”

“No, I’m sad because my wife missed that bus ride.”

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight', the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

I have five kids and none of them will ever be vaccinated.

Do you have any idea how expensive college is?

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

Nuclear war is like incest

We can all imagine what it would be like if it happened but none of us want it to actually happen. Also both cause deformities in the long run.

How come there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but none about Clint Eastwood?

Clint Eastwood is no joke.

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last n...

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

I think I made an original joke,at least none of my friends have ever heard it before.

Why did the duck become a detective?
Why?
So he could QUACK the case!

A young blonde woman wants to go to the movies with one of her friends, but none of them are available, so she decides to go by herself.

"Please be careful," says her brunette roommate. "I went to the movies once by myself, and I had to change my seat thrice because I kept finding myself sitting next to a man who tried to make out with me."

"Don't worry!" replies the blonde. "I'll be careful!"

When the blonde comes back...

I keep submitting jokes to Reddit but none of them get popular. Last week I posted ten puns!

I thought at least one of them would get trending.

As it turned out, no pun in ten did.

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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

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Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.

He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.

The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and...

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What is that one thing that 2 people take from each other and none of them has it in the end?

Virginity.

The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there.

One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical a...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, ther...

What's the difference between a man with one ball and a man with none?

Well, there's not a vas deferens

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The existence of casual sex infers the existence of competitive sex, and since none of you have competed

You're all fucking casuals

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity,

especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me insane, Tyrone.”
One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her...

how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history.

Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him a happy birthday.....

....So as he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"



He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.



In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful da...

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

None of my relatives are members of any organized political party.

They're all republicans.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

The tech manager said that none of the programmers will be allowed to work from home.

Because she'd have no way of checking if they were following the dress code.

NOTE: This is actually what she said and not as a joke. All I'll say is it's a hospital in northern Ohio.

I went to the pool with the local orphanage but none of them would get in the water.

It's like thier parents never taught them to swim. Or something

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You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

What a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?

None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

Santa was hit by an Airbus 747 while flying over Barcelona last night, and none of the flight crew survived

The doctors have confirmed that the reindeer in Spain were hit mainly by the plane.

- Credit to Colin Monchrie from "Whose Line Is It Anyway"

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

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A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her...

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