UPJOKE
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Actually Jokes

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

Chuck Norris actually died four years ago

Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

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Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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A driver slows down for a stop sign but he doesn’t actually stop

A cop sees him and pulls him over. The driver says “is there a problem, officer?” The cop said “you just ran a stop sign back there”. The driver said, “what are you talking about? I slowed down.” The cop replied “but you didn’t actually stop.” The driver said “slow, stop, what’s the diff?” The cop r...

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". ...

T-shirt is actually short for "tyrannosaurus shirt"

Because of the short arms.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke

but you guys didn't like it

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

Did you know that cows are actually aliens?

They come from the mooooooon

King Charles actually farted in the middle of his coronation, but no one really said anything.

This is because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic

Cause they're more likely to be dead.

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

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That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. I...

Just found out that the Oscars is actually a big lie

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

Which citrus fruit can actually cut itself?

A lemon, because inside it’s a little emo.

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

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This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

did y’all know that gyros are actually really bad for you?

yeah they’re made in greece!

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

You know I actually quite like the Burj Khalifa

Despite its many floors.

I look like a cop but I'm actually a stoner...

I went to the convience store the other day to get rolling papers. I said to the clerk, "Papers, please." He gets upset and yells "Hey man I'm a citizen!"

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

I would inform my friend that our "doctors" were actually organ traffickers but...

...I don't have the heart to tell him

The inventor of the umbrella was actually just going to call it brella

But he hesitated

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

Noone actually dreams in color.

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

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My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

idk about others. but I actually like dad jokes.

for e.g. my dad will come home after buying milk.

Actually happened to me.

Sitting in class Monday going over American Sign Language the instructor is explaining the hand position to a fellow student who is blind(er than I am), my hands starts cramping, as I shake it out I can’t stop laughing.

Professor “What is so funny?”

Mr “Do deaf people with arthritis ha...

Donald and Melania Trump are actually a very sweet couple.

He's her sugar daddy, and she's his arm candy.

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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I actually have a good Japanese joke.

Anime'd it myself.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration

He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath

Well, America actually did it

It Trumped Brexit.

Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...

Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...

Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....


But this is cuz they suck at necks.

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.

Did you know that you don't actually need a parachute to skydive?

But you do though, if you want to skydive \*again\*.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

[OC] What do you call a moron who’s actually quite smart?

An oxymoron.

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years

Turns out geometry is actually easy...

This is shaping up to be a better school year than I thought it would be

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This actually happened

My school did hybrid in-person and remote classes this year. Some people always zoomed in for reasons, but most people went to school in person when they could. One day when we were in person, our teacher noticed that someone who usually comes in was zooming.

So he asks what's wrong and she ...

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

How did I hear about Elon Musk not actually buying Twitter?

A little bird told me

The meaning of the word “oops” is actually highly dependent on context

I learned that when I heard my barber say it and then my brain surgeon later that day

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How do you get to own a company worth a Billion? It's actually quite easy. Just...

...spend 44 Billions to buy one, and then piss off your customers and fire half the staff. That should do it.

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . .

encourage you to pick your nose.

I told my girlfriend today that PMS pains aren't actually as bad as women claim they are.

Could anyone please tell me how I can get a pair of nail clippers out of my back? The hands won't reach far enough.

When is your door not actually a door?

When it's actually ajar.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

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A man hires a Scottish prostitute but finishes before she actually touches him

He got off scot-free.

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

Turns out the archeologist's assistant wasn't actually crushed by a giant fresco.

It was a big relief

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

Vegans are actually quite good people

Expecially when you use the right spices.
- notes from a cannibal

People actually have lot of good things say about me.

But first, I have to die.

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15% of the men are actually born gay..

The rest were sucked into it

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

That "Born to Be Wild" song is actually pretty scary.

Especially the part where they find a head out on the highway.

Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

For blind people the alphabet actually goes, “A,B,D”

It’s because they can’t see.

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

TIL Ariana Grande is actually a pop singer.

I thought it was a fancy coffee for white supremacists.

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Tic-tac-toe is actually bad for kids

It teaches them about the Xs and Os and when someone wins it's either "XXX" or "oh, ohh, OHHH!"

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?

He died for arsons.

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

The Polar Express isn't actually real.

It's a work of imagination - a train of thought.

Why aren't koalas actually bears?

They don't meet the koalafications

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

Iron man is actually...

Fe Male.

Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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What product is actually great even though it sounds like scammy shit?

Shampoo.

I entered the knighthood lottery and actually won!

It was a real Sir-prize!

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

This actually happened...

My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when you believe something’s a penis, but it’s actually not?

A phallusy.

Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.

IT: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster, and save the file.

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

She actually said that?

A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my...

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