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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

If president Trump actually dies from covid you won't see me smiling

Because I will be wearing a mask

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

I actually just realized that cake day is your reddit anniversary and not your birthday because of a notification I just got

It’s me. I’m the joke

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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Moth are not actually attracted to lights

That's just where all the big tiddy moth bitches hang out

Fact of the day: Stalin actually knew Communism won't work

There were red flags everywhere

Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.........

........... Absolutely Nothing!!

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

Did you know the tiger is actually the king of the jungle?

It's not, I was just lion to you.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

They actually didn't test Trump for Coronavirus...

It was his lack of taste that gave it away.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health?

Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest

There's actually a joke I used to tell about Orpheus and Euridice

but looking back, it was a bad idea

Turns out we’ve all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren’t actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

Today, after a quick search, I realized that I'm actually related to a lot of people on Reddit.

Either that, or it turns out that there are just an awful lot of nice grandpas who sucked at building cabinets.

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair?

When she trips over the cordless phone.

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

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Many women with large breasts are actually men.

Turns out ladies with double D's are laddies.

My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross.

So...was that cruise a fiction?

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

My GF asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, and she looks just like her but younger... She smiled and said "Will she call me mommy??"

"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you Mommy?"

Why aren't koalas actually bears?

They don't meet the koalafications

I'm actually glad there are people who would dance on my grave, because the joke is on them.

I'm getting buried at sea.

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

I'm still convinced Jesus was actually Canadian

Why else would he always be asking his men if he could get an "eh"?

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

You may be surprised to know that Roman numerals are actually very easy to do Algebra with

X is always equal to 10.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

If you talk to a mirror, are you actually talking to the mirror, or is the mirror talking to you?

Please reflect on this in your notebooks.

Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.

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A boy starts his first day working at walmart

A boy starts his first day at walmart.
His trainer says to him " I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd"
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says " can I help you mam?"
Lady goes "Ya I'm looking for some garden hose."
T...

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There has been lots of skepticism on whether advertised Penis Enlargement methods actually work. However recent studies proved that "virtual" Penis Enlargement (VPE) does work.

Your penis doesn't actual grow in size, but appears larger to your partner. The most effective VPE, was shown to be Money.

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!!!

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

How old were you when you found out that the round table was actually made by

Sir Cumference?

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The wonderful Brian.

A man walked out to the street and caught a black taxi just going by:

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said. "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

I asked a girl for her name.

She said it was "Pitaka"

I said: "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."

To which she replyed: "Actually, I do"

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

Little known fact: Medusa was actually incredibly attractive...

Every guy who saw her got hard as a rock immediately.

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

I want to die, but I don't actually want to die...

Yes, I'm in a dielemma.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today...

They left a little note that said, "Parking Fine".

Actually I wanted to tell a joke about homeopathy.

But I don't think it works.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

im actually out of ideas please give me mercy mods

can a match box?
no, but a tin can.

My doctor told me that getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant.

Actually, it just changes the color of the baby.

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A dick has a sad life...

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him until he throws up.

Credit to whoever actually created this joke

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

I’m actually the second best fighter In the world.

I know, because I’ve been in hundreds of fights - and came in second in each of those.

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

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I was today years old when i found out bedbugs actually live in beds

I always thought it was just a name like ladybug. It does leave me with one question though, where do cockroaches live?

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

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I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have sex with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

I was talking to a girl at a party

Me: You're the most average girl here
Her: You're mean
Me: Actually you are

I have never actually heard a good steak pun...

But I've heard it's a rare medium well done

I feel bad for my buddy over in Spain.

I asked him, "Has December been a good week for you so far?"


He said it was actually a mes.

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

The bull

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "...

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

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The Bible actually advocates for pot and homosexuality

Leviticus:12 - "If a man lies down with another man, they both should be stoned."

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

You know what actually makes me laugh?

People trying to be unique as possible when it comes to making people saying happy cake day to them

A man sees his doctor for his fart problems.

“I’ve been farting a lot lately, doc,” says the man. “I’ve actually farted ten times since I’ve been in here. But they don’t make any noise and they don’t smell. Can you help me?”

The doctor says, “I think I see the problem. I’m going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take ...

When is your door not actually a door?

When it's actually ajar.

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connectio...

Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant?

He was loki racist

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A guy walks into a bar

He bets the bartender $50 that he can bite his eyeball
The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees t...

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Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman’s dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him. ...

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands....

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

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" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

Iron man is actually...

Fe Male.

The host of Man v Wild says he actually doesn't like to work

Grylls just wants to have fun.

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The more I speak to my therapist

the more I realise that he might not actually be real.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America...

The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.

Whenever I see an Astronomy discovery it reminds me of this joke

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on the train from London to Edinburgh, as they passed the Scottish border they saw a black sheep.

'Ah ha' said the astronomer 'from that I can deduce that in Scotland all sheep are black'

'No' said the physicist 'we can deduce that in...

I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Well actually it was more of a wrap

Trump is actually a caring guy

He was trying to build a wall so mexico wouldnt have to put up with americas rioting,racism,and the people to stupid to social distance

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

Today is actually my birthday

People use to make fun of me for not having anyone at my parties... well look where they are now!
#quarantine

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

Why don’t churches have WiFi?

They don’t wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, an...

„ Daddy, why did you actually marry mommy?"

"You see Ingrid, the children can't understand it either!"

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

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Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my ass 12 years ago and I still remember it.

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

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A man wanted to kiss his date

Her mouth smelled like shit
He said your mouth smells like shit
She got upset and left.
The man’s friend advised him to not be blunt and ask her indirectly: “did you eat onions today, or have you been to the dentist”

On the following date her mouth smelled like shit and the man asked...

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I have this theory about my sex life lately

Actually, it’s more of a hypothesis since I have no physical evidence to suggest it even exists.

There's three nuns who want to quit being nuns, so they approach the head nun and ask, "Head nun, what can I do to stop being a nun?"

The head nun replies, "You each must commit one sin tonight then come back tomorrow and drink from a cup of holy water. Only then will you not be a nun anymore."

So the three nuns nod their heads in agreement and leave to go sin. When they come back the next day, the head nun asks the first n...

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

The coronavirus actually hits children the hardest with singing.

No one can touch their eyes and ears and mouth and nose.

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my penis was actually in the 1999 Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

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