I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for the women turning.

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

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Did you know that if you put your ear to a strangers leg, you can actually hear...

them yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually still fits!!!

So proud of myself.

It was a scarf. But still let's be positive here!!!

Did you know that every middle-aged housewife is actually bilingual?

They speak English and to the manager.

Little known fact, you can actually nut during No Nut November

You just can't let anyone cashew

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

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I figured out Trump is actually a communist

When he said "grab them by the pussy" that's the head of state seizing the means of production.

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

French Fries aren't actually fried in France.

They're fried in Greece.

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

Joker is actually a very terrible movie....

No it is not , just Joaquin

Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country...

They won’t let you back in after.

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

My daughter asked if theres any difference between "actually" and "in actuality". I said

Well yes, but in actuality no

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

I actually really like single ply toilet paper...

It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

Just one, actually.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

Ibises are actually part of an undercover terrorist organisation, and I know who their leader is...

...Osama Bin Chicken.

This may go over your heads if you're not Australian. We call Ibises 'bin chickens'.

Ching Chong actually means something in Chinese!

It means you're racist

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true! He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up." This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie. Be carefu...

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

Achilles was actually a drag queen.

His heels were killing him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about the Canary Islands, they don't have any canaries on them. The same is actually true about the Virgin Islands,

They don't have any canaries on the either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a breed of black chickens that actually hatch black eggs!

Search up "black cocks" yourself if you don't believe me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man walks into a bar and claims he is actually very irish.

Bartender says, "oh! My daughter loves your music!"

Did you know you can actually eat lava?

Only once though.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Did you hear about the new antiseptic healing cream that’s actually just a placebo?

They call it Pseudocrem.

My dad says that eating cherries can actually boost your testosterone!

He said to me, “*Son*, to truly become a man, all you have to do is pop a few cherries.”

I never knew it could be so easy! I’ve been popping a few cherries with each meal. I haven’t noticed any changes yet... but I’m sure they’ll come!

^OC

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Insolence! Tonight my neighbor actually rang my bell at 4 o'clock in the morning!

I almost dropped the drilling machine.

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

My sisters friends and I actually have a lot in common

We all look better with my glasses off

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Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

My wife cheated on me with the garbage man

I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."

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The word Boob is actually a diagram.

B (top view) oo (front view) b side view.

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

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Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

If you drink the blue liquid from the magic 8 ball, you can see the future, this actually works!

My friend John drank some, said he was gonna die, then did!

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

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Wow, I just got caught masturbating and it actually led to sex...

You could say things got out of hand

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

What is something that has Care in its title, but does not actually care?

Kare-n, cause she still won’t let me see the kids.

Actually true: a guy in Oregon called the police today because he thought he was being robbed. Turned out the noise was his just Roomba getting trapped.

Seriously, look up the story if you don't believe me.

Anyway, it was all fine in the end. The alleged burglar made a clean getaway.

Counterstrike is actually the most progressive game

Because the terrorists get equal access to weapons and stand a chance of winning

A little boy to his father: "Daddy, how did I actually come into the world?" Daddy replies: "Alright my son, at some point we have to to this talking, so watch out:

Daddy got to know mommy in a "chat room." Later, daddy and mommy met in a "cyber cafe" and on the toilet, mommy wanted to do a few "downloads" of daddy's "Joy Stick". When daddy was then ready for the "upload", we suddenly realized that we had no "firewall" installed and it was already too late to p...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid

Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t

The Leaning Tower of Pisa actually isn't leaning.

...they just built it in Italic font.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

Did you know you actually can get an STD from a toilet seat?

It can happen if you sit down before the guy before you gets up

Im actually a really big entrepreneur i just signed a 2 year deal with general motors

I bought a new car

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

It's actually really easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.

Just find out whether he wants to see you later or in a while.

Where does a man-splainer get his water from?

From a well, actually.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

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It's actually ilegal to be over a certain weight in Japan...

Probably because last time a Fatman was In Japan it caused alot of damage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I think I was actually born on April 1st

Because my life is a fucking joke

Osama Bin Ladin was actually kinda hot.

I’d rate him a solid 9/11

I think I just found out what the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke ACTUALLY meant.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side.”

Maybe the “other side” meant the afterlife, meaning that when the chicken was crossing the road, it probably got ran over by a car.

The joke was that you were supposed to take the punchline very literally at first, b...

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,

94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

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Son: Dad, just how deep is the average vagina actually?

Dad: Deep enough for a man to lose his house, his car, his dog & half of his life savings.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

If opposites actually do attract...

then I'd be dating a beautiful, smart, talented, funny person by now.

Zeno's paradox

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are at a bar and see a beautiful woman across the room. They're all too nervous to talk to her so the physicist devises a plan to work up the necessary courage. Walk half the distance from them to her, then half the remaining distance, and again, and aga...

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

I think I've discovered a new aphrodisiac. And it's actually free!

It's called loneliness.

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#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

Fun fact: did you know that HIV is actually Roman for “high five”?

Pass it on – or, rather, don’t.

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Little Miss Muffett?

Little Miss Muffett actually gave a shit about the Kurds in her way.

The Soviet Union actually made the best bread in the world

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They decide that Einstein is seeking. Pascal finds a wardrobe and hides inside. Newton finds some chalk, and draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square on the floor and sits inside it. When Einstein finishes counting he turns around and sees Newton. "I found Newton!" Says Einstein. "Actually, " says Newton,...

Santa is real!!! I actually met him the other day. He asked what I wanted for Christmas.

I told him that I love to travel, but I am terrified to fly. I asked if he build a road that connects the whole world together, so I can go everywhere but never have to fly. He told me that while he is indeed magic, he doesn't possess the power to do such a gift. I was kinda down, but told him n...

Someone actually fed me clown meat.

So that's why it tasted real funny.

Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.

I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.

I know I'm a little chubby

So I don't really mind getting called fat - give it to me straight, don't sugarcoat it.

Actually, sugar is the last thing I need right now.

I confessed to my family I am not actually an electrician.

My sister was shocked.

Thor and Thanos actually had many similarities in Endgame.

For one, they were both hammered.

Your mom is so fat...

...that a group of people started believing she was actually flat.

University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

Thought I lost my hearing but I actually just left my ear buds in

It was a near deaf experience.

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