Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Turns out we’ve all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren’t actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross.

So...was that cruise a fiction?

Why aren't koalas actually bears?

They don't meet the koalafications

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

My GF asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, and she looks just like her but younger... She smiled and said "Will she call me mommy??"

"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you Mommy?"

You may be surprised to know that Roman numerals are actually very easy to do Algebra with

X is always equal to 10.

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There has been lots of skepticism on whether advertised Penis Enlargement methods actually work. However recent studies proved that "virtual" Penis Enlargement (VPE) does work.

Your penis doesn't actual grow in size, but appears larger to your partner. The most effective VPE, was shown to be Money.

Ketchup can actually help you see!

They say Heinz sight is 20/20...

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It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

Little known fact: Medusa was actually incredibly attractive...

Every guy who saw her got hard as a rock immediately.

How old were you when you found out that the round table was actually made by

Sir Cumference?

I want to die, but I don't actually want to die...

Yes, I'm in a dielemma.

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Actually I wanted to tell a joke about homeopathy.

But I don't think it works.

im actually out of ideas please give me mercy mods

can a match box?
no, but a tin can.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today...

They left a little note that said, "Parking Fine".

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I was today years old when i found out bedbugs actually live in beds

I always thought it was just a name like ladybug. It does leave me with one question though, where do cockroaches live?

I’m actually the second best fighter In the world.

I know, because I’ve been in hundreds of fights - and came in second in each of those.

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The Bible actually advocates for pot and homosexuality

Leviticus:12 - "If a man lies down with another man, they both should be stoned."

I have never actually heard a good steak pun...

But I've heard it's a rare medium well done

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant?

He was loki racist

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have sex with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

Why are women so bad at parking cars?

Because for the last 200 years they’ve been told that three inches are actually six.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

The host of Man v Wild says he actually doesn't like to work

Grylls just wants to have fun.

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

You know what actually makes me laugh?

People trying to be unique as possible when it comes to making people saying happy cake day to them

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence?

If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

Trump is actually a caring guy

He was trying to build a wall so mexico wouldnt have to put up with americas rioting,racism,and the people to stupid to social distance

The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America...

The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.

I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

Iron man is actually...

Fe Male.

When is your door not actually a door?

When it's actually ajar.

Today is actually my birthday

People use to make fun of me for not having anyone at my parties... well look where they are now!
#quarantine

„ Daddy, why did you actually marry mommy?"

"You see Ingrid, the children can't understand it either!"

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" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me

I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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My crush actually said she wanted to have sex with me and try out her electric nipple clamps on me.

I didn't believe it at first as I was shocked.

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

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Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my ass 12 years ago and I still remember it.

The News About the Giant Hornets is Actually Good for Reddit

They can murder the hive mentality

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

I recently learned that the large lump under my chin is actually an exotic parasite.

When I first noticed it, I wanted it gone immediately. But now I have to admit, it's grown on me quite a bit.

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my penis was actually in the 1999 Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Apparently Stormy Daniels was misquoted, and what she actually said was that Trump's junk looked like A Little Potato. You know...

A little *dick-tater*

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

This actually happened...

My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused...

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A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.

The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of ass". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants al...

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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My gf thought I had a big cock

It was actually a ostrich.

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why i love being Russian

I get to vote in the US election



FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia

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Everyone thought Kim Jung Un was in a vegetative state, but actually he was in the studio recording his acoustic album

Kim Jung Unplugged.

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The l...

3 Drunk Men Entered A Taxi

Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver noticed that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again, without actually moving the car at all. Then, he said "We have reached your destination.". The first guy handed him the money, while the second guy said "Thank you.". The t...

Every group of friends has that one friend that's actually living in a 'Truman Show' type universe where everyone they interact with is secretly an actor.

If you dont know who it is...

Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did

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I just found out that some animals actually have prehensile penises...

I still can't wrap my head around it.

Fun fact, I actually got a BJ before I had my first kiss.

Yes, I'm that flexible.

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

A boy sees a beautiful girl across the street.

After they hit it off, he goes home and excitedly tells his dad the news.

“Dad, I just got to know this amazing girl across the street! She lives really close by and her name is Jenna. I really like her!”

The father winces and looks at him. “Son, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Jenna i...

When airlines actually award for your loyalty

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D

Me: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?

Airline staff:No sir,A compliment for your loyalty

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

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Doctor, can you please check my lungs?

Doctor, can you please check my lungs? I have been having little difficulties with breathing lately.

Doctor: Sure I can. Places the stethoscope on his back...

Doctor: you masturbate??

I do. A lot actually. why??

Doctor: Can you please stop. I can’t listen.

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A married couple had fallen on hard times. The wife proposed that she work the corner giving blowjobs for money.

The husband doesn't like the sound of it, but reluctantly agreed because he has no other option. He couldn't sleep the first night she worked, and was awake when she finally came back in the morning. He asked how it went, and she says it was actually pretty fun.

"How much did you end up maki...

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

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A little old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo ...

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

Prince Charles is actually happy about getting COVID-19.

Now he doesn't have to worry if he will experience coronation.

Coronavirus outbreak is actually good news for America.

School shooting incidents decrease drammatically in 2020.

You know why didn't they make a Kindergarten Cop sequel?

As it turns out, it actually was a tumor.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

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What's the difference between the Redditor and the nun who took a vow of chastity?

The nun actually lost her virginity.

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

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A man is on vacation in Spain

He goes out to eat one night and notices a man at another table being served a plate of spaghetti with two large meatballs. He asks his server if he can have the same.

The server says “I’m afraid not, señor, because those are actually the testicles of bull killed today at the bull fight. But ...

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

i never thought trump would actually be impeached...

...i thought republicans insisted on carrying a baby to full term

If you are stupid, stand up!

Teacher: Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up.

After a while, Little Johnny stands up,


Teacher: Ah, so we have one stupid person among us.


Little Johnny: Actually, It broke my heart to see you standing there alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Bolt can actually finish a race

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

Can you tell that this question is actually about me?

I’m asking for a friend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

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A man has a chat with his neighbour across the road about the neighbour needing help with their back garden...

When the two finish their conversation, the man agrees to help the neighbour with his garden, and when they finish the job, the neighbour will pay the man.

The next day comes and the man comes back from the neighbours house all puffed out and tired, he sits down on the couch and calls his fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

Let me tell you what procastination actually is

or maybe i will do it later.

Dam I wish I'd thought of it first

A rabbit and a beaver is sitting staring at the Hoover Dam.
The rabbit says, "Did you really build it?"
The beaver responds, "I didn't actually build it, but it is based on my design."

So this guy enters a bar and asks for three pints of beer

G: Guy BK:Barkeeper

G: "Good evening, I'll have 3 pints of beer please"

BK: "Hello sir, absolutely, expecting some company?"

G: "Actually, I'm drinking three pints of beer in the name of my two brothers that lost their lives in the war, so it's one for me, one for Matt and one ...

The day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Smith a visit.

"We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr Smith asked for the bad news first.

"We'...

I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it's actually the lowest I've ever been.

Turns out substance abuse isn't a joke.

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

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People often act like a cock and balls is all one unit

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

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