I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

Someone actually complimented me on my driving the other day.

They left a note on my windshield.

It said parking fine.

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration

He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

I took a dyslexia test online, but as it turns out it was actually a dysphoria test, so guess what...

I'm a gril who can't raed.

Obesity doesn't actually run in the family.

If they ran, they wouldn't be fat.

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.

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TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

So I asked my friend "What is something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult?"

To which he replied, " This is definitely a good question "



And then he left.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

Mr. Spock actually had 3 Ears!

A left ear, a right ear

and a final front ear

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

If president Trump actually dies from covid you won't see me smiling

Because I will be wearing a mask

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

I actually just realized that cake day is your Reddit anniversary and not your birthday because of a notification I just got.

It’s me. I’m the joke.

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.

Mum just told me my dad’s actually the milkman

Which would explain why he gets up so early each day

I found out today that I was actually born on a freeway

My mom says that's where most accidents happen

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

Did you know that you can actually jump into a volcano?

But only once.

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

For 2021, I’m setting a goal for myself to find a girlfriend. One that is faithful and actually wants to be with me.

I just can’t let the wife find out.

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TIL That the Japanese Actually Have a Word for Cartoon Chicken Sex...

It's called Hen-tai.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

Did you know diarrhea is actually a hereditary disorder?

Duh, it runs in your Genes (Jeans)!!

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Nobody really knows how an MRI actually works

It's a mister-I

Did you know that Isaac Newton was actually Canadian?

He had to have been. He proved that F=M, eh.

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.........

........... Absolutely Nothing!!

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Fact of the day: Stalin actually knew Communism won't work

There were red flags everywhere

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

They actually didn't test Trump for Coronavirus...

It was his lack of taste that gave it away.

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

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Moth are not actually attracted to lights

That's just where all the big tiddy moth bitches hang out

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Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A gynecologist is driving along one day...

...when his car starts spluttering. He takes it to a nearby mechanic who proceeds to spend 15 minutes under the hood finds and fixes the problem and proceeds to declare that the car is good to go. After receiving the bill the gynecologist is appalled, the mechanic makes far far far more money that h...

There's actually a joke I used to tell about Orpheus and Euridice

but looking back, it was a bad idea

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

Why aren't you married?

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
...

Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health?

Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest

There was a video caught on camera of a man who actually ate 4 of his toes

Needless to say, it was very shaky Footage.

Did you know the tiger is actually the king of the jungle?

It's not, I was just lion to you.

My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross.

So...was that cruise a fiction?

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Events on Capitol Hill have gotten pretty dark

Any darker and the police might actually do something about it

Everyone thinks the capital city of Australia is Sydney.

It’s actually Vienna.

Today, after a quick search, I realized that I'm actually related to a lot of people on Reddit.

Either that, or it turns out that there are just an awful lot of nice grandpas who sucked at building cabinets.

A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.

They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’...

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair?

When she trips over the cordless phone.

My GF asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, and she looks just like her but younger... She smiled and said "Will she call me mommy??"

"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you Mommy?"

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

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Many women with large breasts are actually men.

Turns out ladies with double D's are laddies.

Why aren't koalas actually bears?

They don't meet the koalafications

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

I became a proud dad today

My son is actually 4 years but he was really boring for the first 3 years

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

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Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

What's the difference between the Moon landing and Megan Markle's allegations against the Royals?

People actually care about the Moon landing.

I'm actually glad there are people who would dance on my grave, because the joke is on them.

I'm getting buried at sea.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.


The people there told him:


"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. ...

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?


Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!


Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

I've just written a song about tortillas,

actually, it’s more of a rap.

Contrary to popular belief, the fastest man alive is actually Zeus

because with his lightning powers he's Using Bolt

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

You may be surprised to know that Roman numerals are actually very easy to do Algebra with

X is always equal to 10.

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What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

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It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

I'm still convinced Jesus was actually Canadian

Why else would he always be asking his men if he could get an "eh"?

German sausages are actually pretty bad

In fact, they’re the wurst.

Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.

If you talk to a mirror, are you actually talking to the mirror, or is the mirror talking to you?

Please reflect on this in your notebooks.

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A woman wants to buy bagels for her coworkers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we's out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave t...

I have a friend named Arson!

His name is actually Carson, but we call him that because he’s blind

How old were you when you found out that the round table was actually made by

Sir Cumference?

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

I am head-over-heels in love with an obese person.

Infatuated, actually.

Why don’t churches have WiFi?

They don’t wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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The man who had 3 balls

This guy was born with 3 balls and when he got older, he started worrying about it. So he goes to the doctor.
‘Doc, I’ve got 3 balls. Am I abnormal?’
The doctor examined the guy’s sack. Ran a few tests.
‘Mate, you’re perfectly healthy and your balls are fine. Look at this way...you’re proba...

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There has been lots of skepticism on whether advertised Penis Enlargement methods actually work. However recent studies proved that "virtual" Penis Enlargement (VPE) does work.

Your penis doesn't actual grow in size, but appears larger to your partner. The most effective VPE, was shown to be Money.

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

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An old man is walking down the street when he hears a voice.

"Excuse me sir."

The old man looks around but doesn't see anybody. Perplexed, he continues on his way.

"Sir, down here."

The man stops and looks down, only to see a frog sitting at his feet. He looks around again to make sure nobody is watching before addressing the frog, "did ...

Ketchup can actually help you see!

They say Heinz sight is 20/20...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I actually come from a parallel universe where Earth was destroyed by Larry the Cable Guy.

We called the event “Arma-Git-R-Done.”

I once new a woman who actually served alcohol when she lived in a convent.

She was the best bar nun.

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Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

Little known fact: Medusa was actually incredibly attractive...

Every guy who saw her got hard as a rock immediately.

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

I was on a trip to Dubai, and in my stay, I met a rich man

Over time, we actually became friends, and he told me about this shoes company he owns.
He said:

Each pair of shoes we manufacture costs us about 2$, and we manage to sell them for 250$

What?! this is insane, why is it so expensive, ? I asked

Well I actually tried to make the...

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

My neighbor and I are having a land dispute.

Well, it’s actually more of a ground beef.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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Four women went to a vocational testing facility...

Four women went to a vocational testing facility to determine what skills they have that could be useful in the workforce. They entered a room where an instructor greeted them.

"Hello ladies!" the instructor said. "Our process is actually very simple. I will give you five letters, and each of...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

So three nordic people walk into a bar

Actually I don't wanna finnish this joke

Why did Robinhood steal from the rich?

He actually didn’t he instead limited what the working class could trade in stocks in order for the rich to make money. Disney lied.

The U.S. is currently at 34 people / km2 while India is at 424 people / km2...

...but actually, the U.S.'s population is a lot denser.

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