None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

When is your door not actually a door?

When it's actually ajar.

Fun fact, I actually got a BJ before I had my first kiss.

Yes, I'm that flexible.

When airlines actually award for your loyalty

Airline staff: I’m sorry, the flight is full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 2A and your wife’s is 42D

Me: Thank you very much, do I need to pay anything extra for this service?

Airline staff:No sir,A compliment for your loyalty

I don’t actually have a joke for you guys, but I do have a really awesome idea for cleaning up the trash on our planet! For one day, every single person in the country grabs a broom and cleans out every dirty corner they can find! It’s become quite popular across the country. You could say it’s...

...sweeping the nation

I tried on my girlfriend's gloves. They actually looked amazing on me, but were hard to remove because of how tight they were.

I could pull them off, but I couldn't pull them off

Do both well and actually mean a source of water?

Well yes, but actually no.

He call himself Iron man but his armours are actually made out of Titanium

Ironic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

After further examination, it was determined Abe Lincoln had actually been shot in the temple

Who would have guessed he was Jewish?

What is the term for calling into work ill, but you are actually just hungover?

Veisalgia. Seriously?! You came here for the coronavirus. Didn’t you?

Did the dinosaur era actually exist?

You bet Jurassic did

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

GameStop recently claimed that it’s actually pronounced GamesTop

I think it’s ironic since their company is already rock bottom

It’s a little known fact that surgeons are actually really good comedians

They always leave their patients in stitches!

Let me tell you what procastination actually is

or maybe i will do it later.

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Van Gogh actually planned to mutilate himself a second time.

Because he heard left ear is the best medicine.

Actually the candidate with the most momentum is Biden.

It's just not forward

I tried online dating recently and it is really refreshing. The ladies actually want to get to know you.

Last night my favorite one was asking me really great questions like my first pet's name and the street I grew up on. She even wanted to know about my mom and her maiden name!

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

i never thought trump would actually be impeached...

...i thought republicans insisted on carrying a baby to full term

I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning.

He ate some 12 year old nuts

I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it's actually the lowest I've ever been.

Turns out substance abuse isn't a joke.

Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

having poor parents is actually quite nice sometimes

Since teachers assume we are living on the streets, they don't give me any homework anymore.

At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint.

So much for a clean getaway.

Do you know what is actually NSFW?

My deadbeat unemployed dad.

Not suitable for work? Yeah, all the companies he got fired from think so.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family has a farm and we breed and raise pheasants. An interesting fact most people don’t know about pheasants; they actually die right after having sex

At least the ones I fucked did

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

A girl actually talked to me today!

She asked if I wanted fries with my order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.

I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it still actually fit!

So Proud of myself.
It was a scraf, but still. Let’s be positive here.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

French Fries aren't actually fried in France.

They're fried in Greece.

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for the women turning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you put your ear to a strangers leg, you can actually hear...

them yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.



What do you call a Conservative MP who can actually calm things down?

An anti-inflamaTory.

Did you know that every middle-aged housewife is actually bilingual?

They speak English and to the manager.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

The unluckiest person did actually find the fountain of immortality.

Unfortunately, he drowned.

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

Me: A box of condoms, please.

Cashier: That’ll be $3.99. Do you want a bag with it?
 
Me: Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out Trump is actually a communist

When he said "grab them by the pussy" that's the head of state seizing the means of production.

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

Joker is actually a very terrible movie....

No it is not , just Joaquin

I actually really like single ply toilet paper...

It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country...

They won’t let you back in after.

Ibises are actually part of an undercover terrorist organisation, and I know who their leader is...

...Osama Bin Chicken.

This may go over your heads if you're not Australian. We call Ibises 'bin chickens'.

How the airplane was actually invented

Everyone thinks the airplane was invented by two brothers in America, but it turns out that they really just outsourced everything to four Chinese brothers!

I guess four Wongs do make two Wrights.

What do you call alternative medicine that actually works?

Medicine

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man walks into a bar and claims he is actually very irish.

Bartender says, "oh! My daughter loves your music!"

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are wal...

My daughter asked if theres any difference between "actually" and "in actuality". I said

Well yes, but in actuality no

Ching Chong actually means something in Chinese!

It means you're racist

I'm actually an amazing swordsman

I got so good at beating the competition that they confiscated my gun

Then they gave me an orange suit, free accomodation and randomized tournaments with makeshift weapons

Kind of a big deal

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true! He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up." This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie. Be carefu...

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

Just one, actually.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

My girlfriend and I don't have a vibrator, but she'd love to use one in the bedroom.

I'm posting this from my iPhone, so if you guys wanna actually pleasure a woman for once, drop a comment or two.

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a breed of black chickens that actually hatch black eggs!

Search up "black cocks" yourself if you don't believe me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there



He asks the lady,



'Do you have a vagina?'



She slams the door in disgust.



The next morning she hears a knock at ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about the Canary Islands, they don't have any canaries on them. The same is actually true about the Virgin Islands,

They don't have any canaries on the either.

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

Achilles was actually a drag queen.

His heels were killing him.

Two mathematicians are arguing at a restaurant.

"The state of mathematics in this country is terrible", insists the first mathematician. "It's a wonder how the average person even manages to get by in their day-to-day life."

The second mathematician says, "That's hardly true. Mathematics education is actually pretty good nowadays. People m...

I’m actually Stephen Kings Son.

I don’t think I need verification because I think you all know that I’m Joe King

GENIE: "Because you freed me from the lamp, I grant unto you one wish."

ME: "Can I wish for anything?"
GENIE: "Yes, anything."
ME: "Literally anything?"
GENIE: "Literally anything."
ME: "And you'll do it?"
GENIE: "I'm a genie, it's what I do."
ME (after some thought): "I wish for this wish to not be granted."
GENIE: "But wait! I can on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

Ready for a COVID-19 Silver Lining?

I might actually get social security.

Did you know you can actually eat lava?

Only once though.

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

A gorilla walks into a bar...

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now...

My Doctor has just diagnosed me with paranoia.

He didn't actually say it.

But I know what he was thinking.

What’s the best rated flag?

The US, it has fifty stars!

My sisters friends and I actually have a lot in common

We all look better with my glasses off

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid

Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.