The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron,

which is ironic.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.

It was just her kneecap.

Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends

Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know about oral sex and anal sex... but... nasal sex?

Fuck knows.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called Hitler. He got so many kills but...

It was only because he was Kampfing.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

Guy walks into a doctors office wearing nothing but cling film.

Doctor says I can clearly see you’re nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

thr is a son of a bitch who brok into my hous but didn't rob anything from m

xcpt 1 solitary lttr on my goddamn kyboard

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... *unzips*

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

Everyone has heard of Karl Marx, but no one remembers his sister, Onya…

…who invented the starting pistol.

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

You can all pray for Donald Trump if you want but ...

I'm going to stand back and stand by.

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

I worked for the suicide hotline once, but it was a disaster.

Five people called me on the first day, and they all killed themselves.
And three of those were wrong numbers.

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.

But I decided it was poor taste.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

My girlfriend’s grandma passed away and she needed comfort, so she hugged me. But then i got an erection.

“Babe? Wtf?”

“Sorry babe, its just mourning wood”

I met a monk a year ago today, and as soon as we met, he began to pester me for secrets. I told him most, but there was one I only disclosed today. He asked how I got so much karma, and I told him...

Piece of cake

I am 1/4, but if you add 5 I become 1/3. What am I?

15 minutes

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

If you chop a tree down in the middle of the forest, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down

Do you think it's stumped?

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

What's something that feels British but isn't?

The contents of the British Museum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my way home from work, my asian girlfriend said she wanted to have sex with me so badly, but I was super hungry and in the mood for pho...

...it was a Nguyen Nguyen situation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's good on a pizza but not on a pussy?

Crust.

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.

He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.

"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but the...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

Missed my Cake Day but here's a terrible joke (I think) I came up with.

The whole world was in shock last year when Will Smith was found dead. The police suspected foul play but closed the case due to lack of DNA evidence. We're hearing now though that the investigation is being reopened due to the discovery of fresh prints.








I'm sorry...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate classes came in useful.

As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

A man buys a parrot but the only thing it does is insult the man...

After spending hours trying every possible solution to get it to shut up the man decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes pass and the parrot falls silent. Thinking he might of killed it the man opens the freezer and finds the parrot shivering but alive. “S-s-sorry for i-i-i-insulting...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

Why do Norwegian boats have barcodes on them? (Old but gold)

To Scandinavyin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do people always have but never give it to others?

A shit.

If you don't like vinegar, but you use it anyway...

You'll have...... vinaigrette.

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.

-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!

-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.

-- Oh, okay!

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,

"This is no time to be superstitious."

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her

She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

Why does Trump dance to "YMCA" and "Macho Man" but not "In The Navy"?

Because he dodged the draft, so he can't relate to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband‘s voice right.

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn’t alive?

Little Timmy: haha it’s a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it’s your dog Timmy he’s dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

Kylie Jenner tries to go into the ocean for a swim but gets stopped by the life guard

The life guard says “U can’t go in there,
There’s already enough plastic in the sea”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

I started up a dating site for chickens, but it's not my main job, I'm just doing it…

…to make hens meet.

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.


They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.


Their first night there, she undressed as he did.


There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthd...

I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down

[remooooooved]

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.

A dermatologist was studying new remedies for itching, but his lab burnt down...

Now he has to start from scratch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined

She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

My grandfather promised to take me fishing next week but he had a heart attack this morning.

Even after death he is keeping his promise of collecting worms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

Amal and Juan repost a joke on /r/jokes but no one ever upvotes Juan's posts

Because once you've seen Amal, you don't wanna see another Juan.

As an atheist, I was upset when my son became a priest but then he passed away.

Now I'm being haunted by the father, my son, and the holy ghost.

Not to brag but, I have sycik powers.

For example, right now you are thinking " Its **psychic** ,you idiot."

When a person looks through your window at night it’s a “Peeping Tom,” but when an animal does it...

...It’s a Peking Duck.

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

Beethoven was told he wouldn't he able to make music. But did he listen?

No

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid,”

...he wrote, after they cut out his tongue.

Someone said to me, "I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find some long forgotten words or ancient melodies.' But I didn't believe him.

Seems like a Toto fabrication.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

I was looking forward to showing my teacher my reddit post, but she got sick.

So, the subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But...

My mom would kill me!

My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John.

I missed the Mark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Say what you will about men in porn, but you can't deny one thing

They work hard.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

‟Jeremy, you haev been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we’ve with that.”

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

I spent $1500 on a limo the other day, but it didn’t even come with a driver.

Imagine that, I spent all that money and nothing to chauffeur it

My girlfriend’s dad loves to challenge me to games, but he likes to feel out my skill level first. This week, he asked, “so how are you at Battleship?”

“Hit or miss.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

A magician finally finished his show but had one trick left

On his way home, he turned into a driveway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

I hate to say it, but...

The 18th President of the U.S.A was utterly Ulysses!



Bad joke, sorry

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.