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The Ultimate Joke:

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner...

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed and so did he.

There sh...

How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat patty.

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Sonic the Hedgehog was chilling at home

He was staying at home today because it was Dress-How-You-Feel day, Amy’s favorite holiday, and he just wanted to lay low and not have to deal with the drama. There was nothing in the fridge though, so he ordered some food.

Eventually there came a knock at the door. “I hope these are my chill...

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What was the puta’s favorite soft drink?

Whore-chata


Yeah, lame, but at least not a repost.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

Ok But I don't think they will fit me.

When I die, I have but 2 requests.

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.



The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.

I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.

My ex-wife still misses me

...but her aim is getting better!

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

At first I was worried about my narcolepsy

But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

I ordered a horse from a rancher, but only got a mule.

Guess he just half-assed it...

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Three guys are having a good time at a swimming pool

Suddenly a genie appears. He says: " Y'all have a free wish! Just go onto that springboard, say what you wish for and the pool will be filled with whatever you wished for!
The first guy thinks "great", goes to the springboard says "Chocolate" and jumps. He lands in the pool filled with chocolate ...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
...

A man gets pulled over by the cops...

PO: "Sir, i see here on your license it requires you to be wearing prescription glasses at all times. You're in a lot of trouble."

G: "Yeah - so?, but I've got contacts!"

PO: "I don't care who you're in cahoots with, you're coming with me!"

At a job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes, yes I could.

A man dies and ends up in Hell...

When he arrives, the Devil is there to greet him. "Welcome to Hell!" he says, "Now that you're here, you must choose from one of three kingdoms to spend the rest of eternity in. Be warned, however: once you make your choice, you can never leave that kingdom!"

So the devil takes the man to the...

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry

He has selfie steam problems.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

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Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

Dressing like a nun seems like something I'd like to do, but I've heard it's addictive

and I don't want to get into the habit.

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said: how do you get dick from kyle?

I replied: you just ask nicely.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

A bear joke

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, ...

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each.

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female.

Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. B...

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That sheeps a fucking liar but.

Scotsman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Scotsman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Scotsman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Scotsman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Ye...

I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

What's the difference between a piano,glue and a tuna ?

You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna



Oh the glue. I knew you'd get stuck on that

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

\[Later at home, sitting down with son\]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?

A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-

Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy

Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”

Man: "Yeah... But she's got a great personality!"

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

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I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, ...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

(-my brother)

I was going to post a joke about Sodium, but...

...I was like Na, nobody would understand.

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

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There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

Reddit is nothing but a damn joke...and here’s why..

Why.

What do you call something that looks like pasta, and tastes like pasta, but isn't pasta?

An impasta.

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A doctor had sex with one of his female patients.

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his he...

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

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Principal: Sorry for calling you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

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A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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I used to be a phone sex operator,

**But I got hearing aids.**

I don’t want to sound racist but...

Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me...

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Once all the engineering professors

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.

Before the takeoff, one announcement came

“This plane is made by your students”

Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.

But the principal was sitting.

One guy came and asked, “are you not af...

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

No questions asked!!

Someone on Reddit called me stupid today

But it’s ok. My wife and her boyfriend assured me that I wasn’t

Old one but, your royal highness:

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

​

Killed in a tunnel

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

A mugger stole my mood ring from me, but luckily, I wasn't hurt.

I really don't know how to feel about it.

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be...

I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche