This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.

But, Plan e just might take off

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

3 guys are on a boat.They have 4 cigarettes but no lighter. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette off the boat. Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

If I'm fat but identify as slim

Does that mean I am trans slender?

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

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How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?

Erections.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.

Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.

I have to make every second Count.

The bullies at my school broke my MP3-Player. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but those idiots destroyed it again.



Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

6 was scared of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?

Gum

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return.

I had a hot girlfriend but then she sent me an email in Helvetica and I had to move on.

Not my type

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

Snow isn't a problem in Muslim countries, but

ISIS

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I asked what LGBTQ means and I've been getting lots of answers but here lies the problem

I couldn't get a straight answer

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop

The steaks were too high

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question

My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous...

I’ve never met herbivore.

My author friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11

It was just a spare, I guess.

This morning I bought a thesaurus but when I got it home and finally opened it up, the pages were all blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?

Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

This time last year I was depressed and miserable, but I've turned it around.

I'm now miserable and depressed.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

You’re American before you enter a bathroom, you’re American after you leave the bathroom. But what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

European

I know a funny math joke

But I’m 2^2 to say it

A cowboy counted 48 horses on his property, but when he rounded them up...

he had 50.

My housemates think our house is haunted, but it's not

I should know, I've lived here for over three hundred years now

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?

2^nd place in a presidential election.

I tell dad joke, but I don't have any kids.

I'm a faux pa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual position of the day

The Brexit - you promise to pull out but you don’t

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

I tried opening a bag of Lays, but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the zoo today but there was only one animal.

It was a Shitzu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her: How come I always go down on you, but you never go down on me?

Him: My financial adviser told me not to.

Her: Your financial adviser told you not to lick my pussy?

Him: Yeah. He said if I keep eating out all the time, I'll always be broke.

My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...

...I've had a lot on my plate lately.

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You mus...

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

A lot of my favorite musicians died young, but at least they went doing what they loved

Drugs

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

I wanted to tell a comminist joke, but it isn't funny...

Unless everyone gets it.

I tried to get a lawyer pro bono but found it impossible

Every one I contacted hated U2

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

I really wanna tell a joke about joker but

You wouldn't get it

A man was married to a woman named Lorraine but had a mistress named Clairee.

One day, his wife left him. He wasn't too upset. In fact, he began to sing:

"I can see Clairee now, Lorraine is gone."

Sorry... I'll see myself out...

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out ...

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

TVs are getting thinner but people are getting fatter

So everyone is still the same distance from the screen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What are you supposed to be, then?" The host asks.


"I'm a turtle" said the man.


"How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" Replies the host.


"Oh her?" He smiles. "That's just Michelle."

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, excep...

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

My wife isn't into S&M. But I still love her...

she really can't be beat.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

You’ve heard of a 69, but have you heard of a 71?

It’s like a 69, but with two watching.

I always make jokes about 90s Mercedes race cars, but no one understands them.

I guess it just flies over there heads.

i took my depressed friend a chinese take-away to try and cheer him up, but when i passed him the soy sauce he just burst into tears

i'd forgot, you should never kikkoman when he's down

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

I thought I had illegal software in my fridge but then I realized...

It is open sauce

People always ask who my psychiatrist is because I’ve been really happy lately but they’re surprised when I say he’s Spanish

No one expects the Spanish shrink decision

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

What can you kill, but still flies back to sting?

A zom-bee!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Two wrongs don't make a right but,

Two Wright's make an airplane.

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

What is yours but other people use it more than you?

Your wife.

A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is green, but when you click a button it becomes red?

A frog in a blender

a guy walks into a shop and asks for two wasps. the shop assistant looks confused and says sorry but they don’t sell wasps

the man says “but you’ve got one in the window”

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

You know in the past I made jokes about Americans, but now that's getting too dangerous for me...

When they fire back it's lethal.

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

I went pillow shopping the other day but I left angry [OC]

The salesman wouldn’t stop talking down to me.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I’m single, but I have three girlfriends.

Their names are Emma, Jean, Ari.

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends

"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend wanted to do anal, but I told him no way, go find yourself a woman who's into that. And he said,

"Harry, we're gay. Now bend over."

There were many knights at King Arthur's round table, but without a doubt the fattest was...

Sir Cumference.

He was known for eating too much pi.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

A guy goes to his doctor and says, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never breaks. How is it possible? Let me tell you a story, the doctor says...

There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion. It died.

Guy: Nonsense! Someone e...

I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.

Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke is from Egypt but i'll try telling it in English

a private competition was held between England Japan and Egypt
Who can last longer in bed
the president of each country was present
and it's important to know that Egypt was represented by a guy from upper Egypt
so
the English man lasted two hours
the Japanese two and a half
thi...

I have tried to quit cold turkey; but...

It is just so tasty!

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

What does a girl have two of but a cow has more?

Legs, you pervert

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Now i know i dont need it but...

I can totally see myself buying this mirror

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

My son didn’t expect me to pay for his share of the prom night limo rental, but he asked me anyway

It was a bit of a stretch

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

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I thought about donating blood the other day, but then I thought no.

I can't take the thought of my blood floating around inside some dude's boner. No hemo.

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

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You may call me a racist, but

I won't tell jokes about black people.

Shortly after Mozart's death, all his music started disappearing but people couldn't figure out why.

Turns out he was just de-composing in his grave.

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