I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead

One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.

"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".

"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and acciden...

I have cdo.

It is like ocd, but it has to be in the correct order.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

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After a hard day at work, my boss cornered me in the change rooms.

She is a beautiful but intimidating woman. She looked at me and said "I'd like you to take off my blouse". With some nervousness I said "ok, sure" she then said "can you unbutton and remove my skirt too please". She lastly asked for me to take off her bra and panties as well. To which I also obliged...

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Communism is like a smart but unskilled piano player.

Good in theory but bad in practice.

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The Single Use Time Machine

A scientist invites his friend over to his lab to ask help him decide what to do.

Scientist: So, I've invented a single use time machine and I need help deciding what to do.

Friend: Well, isn't that obvious? You've gotta kill Hitler.

Scientist: Are you sure? Think about what ...

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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The Ultimate Joke:

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner...

It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

A horse and a chick are playing in a meadow...

After a time, the horse gets stuck in the mud. Frantic, he tells the chick to run to the farm and get the farmer to pull him out.

The chick runs as fast as her little legs will carry her and reaches the farm to find the farmer is nowhere to be seen. She finds an open window into the farmhous...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry.

I'll return.

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet...

...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

There were 3 people on a boat and 3 cigarettes, but they didn't have a lighter so how did they light the cigarettes?

They threw a cigarette overboard, so the entire boat became a cigarette lighter

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

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A woman found her lover cheating and tried to cut off his penis, but missed and hit his thigh...

she was charged with a misdeweiner.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.

I guess....we are raised differently.

I got a vasectomy. But my girlfriend still got pregnant....

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them.

They’re made up too

I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
...

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

Why is girlfriend one word, but best friend is two words?

Because best friends give you space when you need it.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly

This shows how toxic the media is

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat patty.

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

I was about to stitch up her wound, but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

At a job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes, yes I could.

My ex-wife still misses me

...but her aim is getting better!

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

What feels fragile at first but starts to feel more durable the longer you have it?

Your phone

I was going to tell a sodium joke but

Na

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

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Sonic the Hedgehog was chilling at home

He was staying at home today because it was Dress-How-You-Feel day, Amy’s favorite holiday, and he just wanted to lay low and not have to deal with the drama. There was nothing in the fridge though, so he ordered some food.

Eventually there came a knock at the door. “I hope these are my chill...

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

The difference between men and women is that men insult each other, but don't really mean it…

…and women compliment each other, but don't really mean it.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

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A guy I used to have a crush on (but got over a while ago) suddenly sent me a dick pic out of nowhere.

It was too little, too late.

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

-It’s not the look that counts, but what is inside.

-OK, but to convince me, you need to provide an example.

-Fridge.

-You got me.

This whole time yoda has never revealed his last name. but I just found out

Layheehoo

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

A man dies and ends up in Hell...

When he arrives, the Devil is there to greet him. "Welcome to Hell!" he says, "Now that you're here, you must choose from one of three kingdoms to spend the rest of eternity in. Be warned, however: once you make your choice, you can never leave that kingdom!"

So the devil takes the man to the...

Corniest Doctor joke I’ve ever heard but it still got a chuckle out of me.

I heard this a while back while on dialysis and the doctor was impressed that I knew what a nephrologist was so he told me this gem:

“What’s the difference between a kidney doctor and a nephrologist?”

“What?”

“A kidney doctor works on kidneys, a nephrologist works on kidneys but...

This is kind of a dad joke but

I was driving with my dad and we passed a cemetery. My dad said in a low and dark voice,” I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? And he said” The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” And I was really confused so I was like why? And he said cuz t...

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It’s a long joke but I think it’s worth it.

A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods. Suddenly a magic owl appears and says to them: “Stop the hunt! I am a magic owl and I give each of you 3 wishes. Who begins?”
The bear directly says: “Me! I wish that every bear in this forest becomes a female.” *and his wish came true*
The rabbit wishe...

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Doctor: Sam, I'm very sorry but you have to stop masturbating.

Sam: What? Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

At first I was worried about my narcolepsy

But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

My wife told me length doesn’t matter, but I caught her cheating on me with some guy named Pythagorus.

I knew the moment our paths crossed my life would take a different trajectory.

Just wasn’t expecting it to end in a love triangle. I guess I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

I'm not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBT...

You'll probably offend someone.

Dressing like a nun seems like something I'd like to do, but I've heard it's addictive

and I don't want to get into the habit.

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..."

"...We're a non-prophet organization."

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