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November Jokes

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

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No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

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It was November 25th and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild.


To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical aft...

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

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(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

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Fuck it’s November!

Now I can’t eat peanuts.

November is way spookier than October…

October just has candy and costumes. November is the time of year when cuts appear in my skin for no reason.

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

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I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

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Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?

Nuttin'

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

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I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

No-Nut November?

That’s called being married, kid.

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

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No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.

I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my masturbation time too much.

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

I am not turning my clocks back in November.

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour’s worth of damage.

I'm like a November afternoon ...

Short, not very bright, and I finish too soon.

What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

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Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

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My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

These no nut November memes

They’re really getting out of hand

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

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On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!"

Wife: "Trump won."

Me: "Shit..."

I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

I was doing so well at no nut November.

But then my colleague Ally started eating a snickers by licking it sensually. Long story short I ended up taking Ally's snickers off her.

Why can’t you beat No Nut November?

Cuz if you beat it you lose.

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

Don’t bother having a party during No Nut November...

Nobody will be able to come

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What is another name for No Nut November?

Virgin Pride Month

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

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Did you hear that Japan sent the US a case of Viagra on November 3?

They heard the US was having problems with its erection.

Never let your kids stay with the grandparents for too long

Someone asked my 6 year old what's his age?
He said : With God's will, I will be 7 in November.

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an inve...

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.

It’s just hard to grip.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
t...

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

Green Day released a new politically fuelled single today called "Wake Me Up When November Ends"

T___T

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

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Home Depot Scam alert

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come ove...

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

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