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No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

You can actually nut during November.

You just can’t have anyone cashew.

What's something you lose when you beat it?

No Nut November.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November?

He can’t help it, winters are cold in Russia.

What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

Look, No Nut November jokes are pretty lame right now but

in December their time will come

What do you call the 1st of November?

Octover

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Ech...

an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november?

an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)

I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March

I was born in November

I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

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I take Viagra during No-Nut November.

That makes it harder.

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

I was gonna do no-nut November

But my plan went bust.

No-Nut November?

That’s called being married, kid.

I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.

It’s just hard to grip.

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Because if I don't, my wife is gonna kill me for forgetting two anniversaries in a row.

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

These no nut November memes

They’re really getting out of hand

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

What does trump have in common with a pumpkin?

They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

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On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!"

Wife: "Trump won."

Me: "Shit..."

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal

In november 2006 at 4:19 pm

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

Green Day released a new politically fuelled single today called "Wake Me Up When November Ends"

T___T

My wife left me back in November...

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a coupl...

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

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F___ the Indians!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandra...

Whats a difference between my meat and my game controller?

I stop ragefully beating my meat in november.

If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year...

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

Roses are red

I want you to remember
You are the reason why i lost no-nut november

So my wife asked what that NNN means...

"Nothin new November, my love" I answered. :(

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

If we arrested all of the US' Corrupt Politicians...

We wouldn't have anyone to vote for in November.

“You simply cannot trust quotes found on the internet.”

—Abraham Lincoln, November 19, 1863.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because it's no longer November, and I left my window open.

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

Court Hearing in Helsinki

The judge questions the culprit:
"Where have you been in the night of the 4th November to 11th February?"

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So there’s a 12-floor building

The first floor is named January
Second floor is February
Third is March
Forth is April
Fifth is May
Sixth is June
Seventh -July
Eight - August
Ninth - September
Tenth October
Eleventh November
And finally the twelfth floor is named December.

How do ...

The best Easter joke I heard

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim made millions making and selling microbrew beer, and retires very rich on a farm away from the city...

...he happily lives alone for about 8 months when his closest neighbor, Mr. Johannsen, knocks on his door one evening in November.

"HELLO JIM, WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT A HOLIDAY PARTY I'M HAVING"

"Hey great, Mr. Johannsen, it's about time I get out and meet some people."

"WELL, ...

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Men !!!!!

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.


Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

If you eat too many salted pretzels on Halloween, what happens the next day?

November thirst.

Who are the Minnesota Vikings' toughest opponents?

November and December.

Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history?

Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president

I have this yearly fundraising going on...

So, I have this yearly fundraising going on. Every year in november I take 70€ and donate them to a poor game developer. As a little thank you, they give me a shooter game, every year. But throughout the last years, these games became worse and worse. Many of my friends could not understand, why I w...

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

What do Donald Trump and the milk in my fridge have in common?

It better get thrown out by November 8 or else I'm going to get violently sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2000 Indian Rupees

It is the month of November a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. De-monetization of 500 and 1000 Rupee notes has been announced and no one has cash.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a ...

I really don't understand why people tell 9/11 jokes.

What happened on the ninth of November?

My favorite blonde joke

-Source: I don't remember where I first saw it, but when I googled it coolblondejokes.com got first result

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."
...

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