This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If November is "No Nut" November What Does That Make December?

The cumming month?

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am totally nailing No Nut November. The secret is

Every time I want to eat nuts, I masturbate

So, I had a commanding officer from Australia

Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:
Charlie;
Uniform;
November;
Tango.

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?

Nuttin'

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.

I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my masturbation time too much.

I am not turning my clocks back in November.

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour’s worth of damage.

One November night, a man suggests a Christmas movie when trying to choose something to watch with his wife.

"We can't watch that," says the wife. "We have to wait until December." The husband agrees to this, so they watch something else.

Several months later, in the middle of Summer, the wife sees something that reminds her of an event from her past. "Wanna hear something funny that happened when I...

What is the longest name in the world?

JASON, it takes 5 months to spell it. (July, August, September, October, November)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

Can't believe my grandpa is going to vote Republican this November!!

He never would have done that while he was alive!

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mussolini didn't like no nutz November.

He preferred many Nazi March.

Don’t bother having a party during No Nut November...

Nobody will be able to come

I was doing so well at no nut November.

But then my colleague Ally started eating a snickers by licking it sensually. Long story short I ended up taking Ally's snickers off her.

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november?

an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

I'm like a November afternoon ...

Short, not very bright, and I finish too soon.

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

What is squirrels's least favourite month?

November

Why can’t you beat No Nut November?

Cuz if you beat it you lose.

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a Sex worker's biggest fear?

November

What's the worst thing about having a nut allergy?

Every month is No Nut November!

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do my Balls and Nevada have in common???

They both become blue in November... AND.. they both take forever to finish..

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I take Viagra during No-Nut November.

That makes it harder.

I was gonna do no-nut November

But my plan went bust.

These no nut November memes

They’re really getting out of hand

I took my cat in to get neutered today.

You think I'm taking this no nut November thing to seriously?

A 30-year old man told his wife that he's going to the bar to party with his friends

The wife was really worried that her husband is not spending enough time with her, but she was helpless.

An hour later, she recieves a text from her husband asking for a picture.

She was glad that her husband wanted to see her face even though he was partying with his friends.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

No-Nut November?

That’s called being married, kid.

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.

It’s just hard to grip.

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Because if I don't, my wife is gonna kill me for forgetting two anniversaries in a row.

I can’t believe it’s already October 35th

I am NOT looking forward to No Nut November

A little son asks his father what a communism is...

...and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

It's hard for me to drive my car with loose wheels this month.

Afterall, it is No Nut November!

To those that need to hear it right now...

… Early November is finally here. I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving...

Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!"

Wife: "Trump won."

Me: "Shit..."

When is the best time for musicians to take time off?

No Note November

A Student Asks to go to The Bathroom....

Student: "Hey, can I go to the bathroom please?"

Teacher: "Its may..."

Student: "No, its actually November!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

My wife left me back in November...

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a coupl...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.