UPJOKE
februaryjanuarydecembermonthoctobermarchseptemberapriljulyjunemayaugustyeardaynov

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November...

She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November is going great so far

Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

What is a squirrels least favorite time of year?

No Nut November….

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the growing popularity of no nut november, its wave of abstience is spreading to other months

Such as: no jizz july, no semen september and no dong december

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

Guys, I've already failed No Nut November

I'm eating my reese's as we speak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

Why is No Nut November so goddamn boring?

It is probably the most anticlimactic month

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

I've already failed No Nut November

I failed the first time at 1:37am, and the second time at 1:11am.

John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

No Nut November challenge is not gonna be a problem at all

It’s not hard at my age

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?

Nuttin'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.

I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my masturbation time too much.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

No nut November is just around the corner.

It may be hard for some guys but I found it very easy.

I gave up 30 times last year.

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

I am not turning my clocks back in November.

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour’s worth of damage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

facts

did you know that having too much sex could cause memory loss ?

i remember reading that on the 23 of november 2001 at 9:1:02 am page 36 line 9/11

it wasn't a sunny day in fact it was very cloudy

very...cloudy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november?

an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

Can't believe my grandpa is going to vote Republican this November!!

He never would have done that while he was alive!

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

I'm like a November afternoon ...

Short, not very bright, and I finish too soon.

What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year...

Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rud...

Don’t bother having a party during No Nut November...

Nobody will be able to come

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

Why can’t you beat No Nut November?

Cuz if you beat it you lose.

I was doing so well at no nut November.

But then my colleague Ally started eating a snickers by licking it sensually. Long story short I ended up taking Ally's snickers off her.

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

Now that No Shave November is over, I don't really want to shave off my beard

It's growing on me

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

These no nut November memes

They’re really getting out of hand

No-Nut November?

That’s called being married, kid.

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too.

It’s just hard to grip.

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Because if I don't, my wife is gonna kill me for forgetting two anniversaries in a row.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!"

Wife: "Trump won."

Me: "Shit..."

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nutty Joke

I made this up while playing around at work, but I'm sure it's already been come up with at some point; however I would like to submit this joke:

Ask someone, "do you participate in No Nuts November?" They will either smile, look confused, or both. Then tell them that it's a peanut allergy aw...

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

I've decided to buck the trend of Movember this year by not growing a moustache.

I'm calling it No-Movember.

Or for short, November.

How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?

They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.