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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

What happens when you fail at No Nut November?

Nuttin'.

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he was informed about No Nut November?

"Nutting really matters to me"

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I am glad that No Nut November is finally over!

Now I can stop pretending that I didn't masturbate all month.

I don't get why people are going on about no nut November

It's like any other month if you are married.

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

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What comes after “No Nut November”?

“Deflated Dicks December”

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No Nut November was pretty tough

Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

Hey guys it’s no nut November...

Which sucks cuz thanksgiving is the only time I see my cousins.

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Yesterday I failed No Nut November

I guess I should have seen it cumming.

How do crypto traders call no nut november?

HODL it

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My porn folder goes away during no nut november

I just want to come with it

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

Caterpod is useless in no nut November

Cos he cant harden.


(Not that he's useful anyway)

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

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I'm participating in No Nut November.

I just wish my wife would have told me that I was starting in September.

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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

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Mussolini didn't like no nutz November.

He preferred many Nazi March.

I threw a party to celebrate making it to week 4 of No Nut November

Nobody came

I'm like a November afternoon ...

Short, not very bright, and I finish too soon.

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No Nut November is gonna be super easy

I never eat nuts.

Eating nuts just cuts into masturbation time.

The couple that went to Florida.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis a...

I always walk a lot slower during No Nut November...

I guess I'm over enCUMbered

My wife said we should spice up our love life

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She said “let’s do a bit of role playing. I’ll be the doctor and you be the patient”.

“Alright...” I went with it, “How are you, doctor?”

“We have no appointments till November. Goodbye”.

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

I've heard Dunkin Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin Nonuts for a month.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...

an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november?

an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)

'No Nut November' was going pretty good for me until

someone played 'Beat it' by Michael Jackson.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

I am really glad that No Nut November is over.

A whole month without cashews was rough.

What are you doing after November?

Nuttin’ much.

Look, No Nut November jokes are pretty lame right now but

in December their time will come

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.

I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.

Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November?

He can’t help it, winters are cold in Russia.

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal

In november 2006 at 4:19 pm

I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

When I started no shave November I thought I would be excited to shave again in December, but now I don't want to cut my beard at all.

I think it's grown on me.

Everyone hates my facial hair for No Shave November

But it’s growing on me

I was gonna do no-nut November

But my plan went bust.

These no nut November memes

They’re really getting out of hand

No-Nut November?

That’s called being married, kid.

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

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I take Viagra during No-Nut November.

That makes it harder.

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

Remember, remember the 5th of November.

Because if I don't, my wife is gonna kill me for forgetting two anniversaries in a row.

My Dad put together my bed recently without any hex nuts,

It fell apart within a few days, I asked my dad why he didn't put them on.

"Its November."

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There are Twelve Days of Christmas....

....and not a single one of them is in fucking November.



:edit: overheard at a gas station line. figured I would share.

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

What does trump have in common with a pumpkin?

They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November

If someone you know was born in August...

...then their father failed No Nut November

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree?

Because it's No Nut November.

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

It's November 10th 1823, Paris, France...

And 3 prisoners are to be executed on the public squared that day; An artist, a cook and an engineer. The artists walks up to the guillotine bows down and prays to god. The burrow releases the blade and it stops 10 centimeters above the artist's head. They try and try but the blade won't fall all th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

In loving memory of my salary

Date given: November 1, 2019

Died: November 1, 2019

Vote wisely in November

HEAVEN AND HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.




"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

The old woman and her bakery

There was an old woman who ran a bakery. She made amazing cakes that everyone just loved.

She works on making marvelous cakes for everyone 364 days of the year.

But she would refuse to make any cake on November 26th.

Instead, she would take a bunch of signs and place them all...

Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in November?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

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Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

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F___ the Indians!!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandra...

My wife left me back in November...

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a coupl...

Green Day released a new politically fuelled single today called "Wake Me Up When November Ends"

T___T

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On November 9th...

Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!"

Wife: "Trump won."

Me: "Shit..."

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Ech...

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

What is Easter?

Three men all die in an accident and met Saint Peter in front of the pearly gates.

"Welcome to heaven gentlemen. I would love to let you in but before I can do that I need to prove that you're devout Christians. If you can tell me what Easter is I can let you through."

The first man st...

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