No More Jokes - 53 Hilarious No More Jokes

Doctor: "Sorry, sir, we have no more vaccines for American citizens, we gave them all to illegal immigrants."

Patient: "They took our jabs!"

No More Girls' Night Out

Two wives go out for a girls' night out. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One wife used her panties and the other wife grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning, one husband called the other an...

John thought himself a chemist, but his eyes will see no more

for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4

No more oil!

Saudi Arabia is definitely moving away from oil based economy. Milk is a interesting commodity. I bet soon they will dominate the market , these new milkshejkes.

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No more headaches

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself ...

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me.

No more menstrual jokes

Period

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

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Two married men agree; no more ladies' nights.

On their way home from a great ladies night out, two married women have the sudden urge to tinkle. There are no restaurants or shops nearby, so the women run into a nearby cemetery and pee behind some headstones. One of the women uses her panties to wipe while the other grabs a nearby flower wreath....

"No more, there is no way I can work with him anymore after what he said to me"

"What did he say?"

"You're fired"

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No more Polish jokes folks.

All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window.

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That's it, no more vagina jokes allowed!

Period!

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There are no more virgins in America,

Since everyone has gotten fucked over by our government.

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."

THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

“No more shampoo!”

We want the real poo!

Little Billy used to drink, But he shall drink no more.

For what he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

No more Puns

It’s punishable by law

A husband and wife were having dinner

They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mist...

Why is there no more curry in Afghanistan?

Because there's a thali ban.

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I've been seeing a lot of NSFW jokes recently..No more Vagina jokes

Period

Apparently you have no more social life once you turn 40

My friend turned 40 about 2 weeks ago and she says she doesn't go anywhere anymore - she just stays at home all days and doesn't hang out with anyone.

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

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(NSFW) Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Mom, you remember that time I killed a butterfly and Dad said, 'No more butter for you!'

Yes Katie, I remember. I think you were about 8 years old. It probably seemed harsh, but I supported his decision even though it made you quite upset.

And, Mom, you remember that time I killed a ho...

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

Brangelina is no more.

And it's really sad to see that Brad Pitt is now just 'Br' while Angelina Jolie gets her whole forename back.

What do you feel when there's no more coffee?

Depresso.

My doctor said no more drinking.

so I froze my alcohol into cubes and ate them.

I bought some "no more tears" baby shampoo

But I'm still not over her :(

Why do French people eat no more than 1 egg per meal?

Because one is un œuf.

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I was going number 2 when i realised there was no more toilet paper

It scared the shit out of me. I guess I don't need to wipe anymore.

They're gonna beat this horse down the old town road until it can't die no more

This song has been rereleased twice now since December with just different artists added in

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

Did you hear, there's no more ice in Poland?

The old lady with the recipe died...

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My pregnant wife said her doctor told her no more sex until the baby is born

I asked, "What did your dentist say?"

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

I've squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby's face...

...and she's still crying. Parenting is hard

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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Due to the prostitute's arm injury, she can do no more than 5 handjobs a night.

Damn handie-cap!

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Down with the metric system

No more foreign rulers!

The confession

A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions.

Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for h...

Girls fart too

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He bu...

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

I killed an extraordinarily large mouse with a bat

Needless to say I’m no longer allowed at Walt Disney resorts no more

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