UPJOKE
thatwhateveranywaywhereanythingnotyouanybodyelseherewhenbutneversomebodythey

What Jokes

What's the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

Genie: What’s your first wish?

Toby: I wish I was Rich.

Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"?

Beth-amphetamine

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American

What's the capital of Zimbabwe?

>!$1.37 USD!<

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.



Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

What's the perfect 'safe word'?

Meatloaf

(I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

kid: "Mum, what's an orgasm?"

Mum: "I dunno, ask your Dad...."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

Mommy, what is a Canadian?

Citizen of Canada. Get it?

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

What are a trans parents pronouns

Who/where

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.

I asked what LGBTQIA means,

But I never get a straight answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

What does going down on an old woman taste like?

Depends.

What are the worst three states to live?

State of Despair. / State of Confusion. / State of Poverty.

What’s the difference between elon musk and a lemur?

Elon Musk made an electric car

Lemurs Madagascar

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Teacher: What is 117 + 3?

Johny: 5!

Teacher: Correct..

What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

Genie: you have 3 wishes. What is your first?

Guy: I wish for more wishes

Genie: you can wish for anything but more wishes

Guy: damn. I wish I could

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

What did Texans use for heat before the advent of firewood?

Electricity

If a pro lifer asks "What if Mary aborted Jesus"?

Replying "it would have sped things along" isn't the answer they were looking for.

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say both during sex and at a funeral?

I thought he'd last longer

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What’s the best thing about transphobia?

It finally got people interested in women’s sports.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

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"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

What did the 0 say to the ten?

Thanks for reading my joke.

what's the difference between a large pizza and an American?

The pizza can feed a family of 4

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

What's the difference between Elon Musk and God?

God doesn't think he's Elon Musk.

what is Amber Heard's favorite board game?

**SCATAGORIE**

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a prostitute and Jesus?

The sound they make when you’re nailing them.

Happy Easter you filthy degenerates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

What’s the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

The look on their face when you’re nailing them.

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

What's the difference between a yogurt and The USA ?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture



Edit : didn't think i'd have to do this but here we go.

This is a Joke subreddit, this is a joke.

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 2 years the job still sucks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a white nationalists favourite porn site ?

Only Klans

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

What did Charizard say when he saw Pikachu

Charizard

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

What's the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant.

What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

What is Forrest Gump password

1forrest1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired.

What would two termites order at a restaurant?

Table for 2

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?

Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America.
Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and release in Japan.

What does my wife and the Titan submarine have in common?

The banging stopped.

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?

*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper?

A fizzician!


I’ll see myself out






Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea...

Thanks for the gold and silvers!

Happy New Years y’all!

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?

A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

Edit: As somebody observed below, this joke is as old as the sun, yet never gets old.

Considering all the comments, it's a fair conclusion that hookers would make honest politicians, if there is such a thing.

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia; Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What is the difference between a circus and a stripper club?

One is an array of cunning stunts . . .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is the female version of rock out with your cock out?

Jam out with your clam out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease

Edit : Thanks For All The Awards!

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

Whats does /s mean?

And please, no sarcasm in the answers.

What is the difference between Politicians and Flying Pigs ?

The letter f

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

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