This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

What are a male donkey’s pronouns?

He / haw

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Whats the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''Fuck you''



so i'm pretty excited for 2022

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

Translated from German, I hope this works: What’s 3x3?

No

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

What did the Bulbasaur say when he found out his wife was cheating on him?

Bulbasaur

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

If a tree falls.....

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

Do you know what China is famous for?

\[REDACTED\]

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

What begins with a "W" and ends with a "T"

It really does!

Everyone knows what the Big Apple is

But nobody knows what the...Minneapolis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

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When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".

[NSFW] What’s Another Name For A Necrophiliac?

Ghost Rider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a clitoris and Budweiser?

A clitoris only tastes like piss for a minute.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

University

What do they call Pringles in Spain?

Pr*español*

What do Alexander The Great and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

What goes oooooooooooo!!?

A cow with no lips.

My five-year-old granddaughter told me that this morning.

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What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.

What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirtbag.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

Chewie is short for Chewbacca

Chewie is short for Chewbacca

Ani is short for Anakin Skywalker

What is Luke short for?


A stormtrooper

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a *little* lighter.

What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Support Group

So I just came in my pants

What's the difference between a Coral Reef and Tienenman Square?

One's full of crustaceans and one's full of crushed Asians.

What's the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine??

With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to confession (NSFW)

The man sits down and hears a voice:

Priest: "Tell me my child why are you here?"

Man: "I've done some terrible things and I'd like to ask for forgiveness."

Priest: "Go on my child."

Man: "I have taken the Lord's name in vain on multiple occasions, I stole money from my s...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

What's the difference between Romeo & Juliet and Covid?

One is a Verona crisis. The other's a Corona virus.

What do you call Joe Biden's mom

Joe mama

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

What is green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it’ll kill you?

A pool table

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you have sex with a bird?

Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

It's untweetable.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

What do you call an indecisive potato?

A hesitater.

What is Yoda’s last name?

Lay Hee Hoo

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act?

Giving Han Jobs

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

What skin conditions do chickens get?

Eggsma.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than inciting insurrection to overturn a democratic election?

Lying about a blowjob, apparently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

What‘s the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it will grow a culture.

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

What rock group has four men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

What do you call a pair of nuts on the wall?

Walnuts!

I’ll see myself out

What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

What do you call a group of Karens?

A Home Owners Association

What I if told you

What if I told you you read the title wrong

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an albino white supremacist?

An asshole.

What’s the Most Stupid Animal in the Jungle?

The Polar Bear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

Better get some support or people will think we’re nuts!

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer and diarrhea.

You’re running, but can’t remember where.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin from Alabama?

An orphan.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

Synonym Toast Crunch

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this…'

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What’s black and doesn’t work?

Decaf coffee

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

If you take off the ring, you lose your house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

Found an old joke from a 1953 newspaper: What do naughty Egyptian girls become?

Mummies, I guess.

what's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EYEEYEEEEEEEEE

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.


What were you expecting, a pi joke on my cake day?

What do women and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them..

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen

What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?

They both have to smell it all day but they don’t get to taste it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

If someone that speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone that speaks three languages is trilingual. What is someone that speaks one language?

American

what do you say to the ocean?

nice to sea you

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between normal sex and anal sex?

Normal sex can make your day, anal sex can make your hole weak.

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

I don't get what all the fuss is about. Giving up smoking is so easy!

I've done it hundreds of times.

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were.

I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

Whats at the end of every programmers suicide note?

“Goodbye World”

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

What’s blue and not that heavy?

Light blue.

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces?

Boeing... Boeing

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner during a funeral?

Mourning Wood.

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the testicles and prostate have in common?

Nothing. There’s a vas deferens between the two.

What does Cardi B stand for?

Cardiovascular bronchitis

What did the orange say to the door?

Mind if I squeeze in?

Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

What happens when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow that's masturbating?

Beef Stroganoff.

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