Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One...

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

What do you call a guy who has 6.02*10^23 dollars?

A molennaire

“What’s your name?" asked a policeman when he stopped me.



"Bartholomew." I said.



"And your last name?" he continued.



"It's always been Bartholomew." I said.

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They're both meat substitutes!

A husband asks his wife what she would do if they won the lottery

Wife: "I would take half and leave you"

Husband hands her a ticket: "Great! We won $12, take half and have a good life."

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

What did Kim Jong Un say when his father died?

His Korea was over...

What starts with a P and ends in a C?

The sewage system

Three Russian men are talking in the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

What happens if you eat 3.14159265359 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."


The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Us...

Is this 911? Yes, what's your emergency? Two girls are fighting for me! What's the problem with that sir?

The ugly one is winning! :(

What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?

"You crossed the wrong guy."

Old lawyer and a young lawyer are standing together at a party when an amazingly gorgeous woman walks by. The young lawyer turns to the old lawyer and says "Wouldn't you like to screw her?"

The old lawyer replies, "Out of what?"

What's the only enemy of the swordfish?

The penfish

A man walks into a bar...

Upon entering, he notices a massive slab of meat hanging from the ceiling. He walks up to the bartender and asks, " Hey, what's up with the big chunk of meat up there?"

The bartender replies, "Its a wager. If you can jump up and hit the meat, you get an hour of free drinks, but if you miss, y...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

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What’s the worst part about getting a rectal cavity search at the airport?

They don’t let you jerk off!

Say what you will about deaf people

Because they definitely won't hear you

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

My father alway use to say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

‘Til the accident

Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won’t start!

Batman: Did you check the battery?

R: What’s a “tery”?

What is green, and sings

Elvis Parsley

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An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a fl...

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

My veterinarians favorite joke.

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road, and passes a farm. In the middle of the field he sees a farmer, standing under an apple tree. The farmer holds a pig in his arms. The salesman stops and watches as the farmer walks around the tree with the pig, and holds it up so that the pig can ...

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What do you call a homosexual russian?

Sir gay

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

What rhymes with Orange

No it doesn’t

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

I bought a thesaurus from the bookstore the other day! And what do I find when I got home and opened it? Blank pages...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

A teenage potato brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents.....

“So, what do you do for work” says the inquisitive father potato.
“Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster. “
The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.
“Why did you do that Daddy”asks the distraught girl potato.
“I’m not having my daughter hanging ...

What is the worst response to I love you?

I love Emilia.

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I have what it takes to be gay.

I just don't have it in me.

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

A spoon, fork and a knife are are asking questions..

the spoon asks the time

the fork then asks a question

and the knife wanted to know what the weather was

but he wanted to know what the fork asked

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What do you call a mermaid who's a prostitute?

H-2-Hoe

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

What do Hilary Clinton and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

They both Crashed into a wall because they couldn’t turn left.

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

In what season did Isaac Newton discover gravity?

Fall

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room...

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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks...

What is atheism?

A non-prophet organisation.

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

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My wife and I now only have what I call “hallway” sex

We pass each other in the hallway,..fuck you!,..fuck you!

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss

What does smoking marijuana do?

What do you call a guy with no eyes?

Well, it’s rude to call people names. But he goes by Mchael.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

What's Brown and Sticky?

A stick

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

A pregnant woman goes into a coma.

When she wakes up months later, she's no longer pregnant.

"You had twins! A girl and a boy," The nurse exclaims. "Your brother named them."

"What did he name the girl?" The woman asks.

"Denise."

"That's alright, I like Denise. And the boy?"

"Denephew."

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