UPJOKE
thatwhateveranywaywhereanythingnotyouanybodyelseherewhenbutneversomebodythey

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What did the Pokemon say after a night of rough sex?

Vulvasore





^((I am so, so sorry))

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "| can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

What would two termites order at a restaurant?

Table for 2

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What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?

Walking.



j/k…rolling.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

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what do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?

Wedding cake.

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

what is Amber Heard's favorite board game?

**SCATAGORIE**

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Obi-Juan

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

relative humidity.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

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Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk at the funeral.

( I love my Irish friends, don't kill me)

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

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What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

If A is for Apples, and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says "Grazie". What do you say to her after that?

Prego.

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

Porcupines have pricks on the outside.

what sign do you put up when you shut down your brothel?

Beat it, we're closed

What do you get when you mix American Literature and alcohol?

Tequila Mockingbird

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What do you call a penis doctor?

A cocktor

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach, last night?"

"I have to do that, or daddies stomach gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work. "

"Why not?"

"Because Tina the babysitter, keeps blowing him back up again."

What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school?

A doctor

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

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What's the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

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(from my very proud 7-year-old) What do you call a duck's butt?

Buttquack!

What's a better name for a brothel?

The Quicky-Mart

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What do orgasms and pulses have in common

I don’t care if she has either

If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben Kenobi is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

What does SWAT stand for…

… in Texas?

Stand, Wait, Act Tough

What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.


Too soon?

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

What's worse than Ants in your pants?

Uncles.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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What do you call a prostitute who works for free ?

A pro boner

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what’s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!"

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What’s the difference between a joke and another man’s dick?

Jada Pinkett won’t take a joke

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime?

Dyslexia

What did Princess Leia say to Han Solo on their wedding night?

Into the garbage chute, flyboy!

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

The letter P, without it he’s irate.

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[NSFW] What do you call a doctor with a prosthetic penis made of wood?

Hickory dickory Doc.

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name "School"

If we renamed all education centres as "Uterus" then republicans might actually care about what's inside them.

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

What's a lawyer's favorite drink?

Subpoena colada

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What does my dick and English have in common?

They're both unnecessarily hard during a presentation

What is something that is yours, but others use more than you?

A joke on this subreddit.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback

A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender says “WOW I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get for you?”

“POP” goes the weasel

What's the difference between a jack-o-lantern and a redneck?

A jack-o-lantern has more teeth, and is usually a little a brighter.

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

I asked 7 CEOs “what’s the secret to your success?”, and they all said the same thing:

“How did you get in my house?”

A flock of seagulls approach you. What do you do?

You run, you run so far away.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p?

HDMI

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

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wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

What does the dentist of the year get?

A little plaque

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why do all of you keep giving me all these dimes?"

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What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

What worse than two girls running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

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What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

What are milk farmers attracted to?

A nice dairy air.

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

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What do you call two communists who masturbate together?

Cum-rades!







(I am not sorry, this was brilliant and I'm proud of it.)

What's Peter Pan's favorite place to eat out?

Wendy's

what do a vibrator and tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

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What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex will make your day. Anal will make your hole weak!

What I deal with as a parking attendant…

It’s a lot.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

What do you call a Jedi Italian pastry chef?

Obi Wan Cannoli

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

What's the difference between a warm sweet potato, and a Pig flying through the air?

One's a heated yam, while the other's a yeeted ham.

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What do you call a teenager who doesn't masturbate?

A liar

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What are boobs without nipples?

Pointless

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

Two eggs are put into a pot of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?

It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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What’s the difference between a $5 prostitute and a $100 prostitute?

One won’t let you fuck without a condom, the other you wouldn’t.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your...

What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

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What do you call a mean rooster?

Jerk chicken.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie”.

A daughter asks her father, “Dad, what are your views on abortion?”

Her father replies, “Why don’t you ask your sister.”

Daughter replies, “But I don’t have a sister….. oh”

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says

."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off."...

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

What is black and white and red all over

2 nuns in a chainsaw fight

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

What is William Shatner's favorite film festival?

*CAAAAAAAAANNES!!!* ^^^^^^imsosorry

What do you call someone who gets paid not to work?

A shareholder.

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Three women have just entered heaven

Three women have just entered heaven, and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there. He says to the women, "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers "I have only had sex with on...

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

What did the iceberg say to the Titanic?

Cmon.. Just the tip??

What’s worse than having diarrhea and a clogged toilet?

Nothing, please someone help me out

What's black and white and red all over?

A nun falling down the stairs

What do you call a werewolf in plain sight?

A therewolf.

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

What's a similarity between a guy in a wheelchair and a bad comedian

They can't do standup

What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?

Pretty nuts

What’s the best way to lose some pounds?

Having a gambling problem in the UK.

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What's the name of Greece's most famous porn star?

Testicles.

What do you call a VPN that isn’t private?

A proxymoron.

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson"

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

If Pennywise had a daughter what would she be called?

A little She-It.

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.

The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen

Minister said, "Your highness"

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

What do you call an incompetent lawyer?

Senator

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

What time do golfers wake up to go golfing?

Foooooour

What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

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What did the man caught masturbating on a plane get charged with?

High Jacking

What's 6 inches long and hasn't been sucked in 11 years?

Whitney Houston's crackpipe

what do you call a marine with an IQ of 70?

General!

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80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

A joke from my very proud wife: what do you call a tiny axolotl?

"An axolitl!!"

What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?

Post office

What happens when you make a noise in Ninja Church?

The nun chucks you out.

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

What is the difference between an argument with your wife and a knife?

A knife has a point

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what do you call a redditor in a wheelchair?

virgin mobile.

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What sexual position makes ugly babies?

Idk, ask your parents.

What did Oedipus's father say when he heard his son using foul language?

"I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth."

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