Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

Teacher: ”what is 4+2?”

Johnny: ”3!”

Teacher: ”Yes, you are right.”

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

What's the Presidential ventilator called?

Forced Air One

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny frog say?

Rubbit.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

What does democracy and football have in common?

Adding the word American completely changes the meaning.

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 72 virgins were not what I expected

Turns out it was just a reddit admin meeting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

?

p

u

s

'

t

a

h

w

,

y

e

H

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

What did Charizard say when he saw Pikachu

Charizard

What's Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?

So this bar goes into a guy...

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.”
“You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz.

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you poop in a Formula 1 car?

Shit goes from 0 to 100 real fucking quick.

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

"Beat it, we're closed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

What do you call a depressed acapella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call two birds stuck together?

Velcrows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

What do you call a kebab prepared by a librarian?

A shush-kebab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor X ask a girl, "so, what's your mutant power"?

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a celing fan off on the first try!"

Professor X: "oh really?"

Girl \[points up\]: " 2 pulls"

Professor X: \[stands up and pulls twice\] "not bad kid, but not a power".

Girl: "Im kidding, i can heal paraplegics"

Professor x:...

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

A man tells his Rabbi: "I have a deep desire to live forever. What should I do?"

Rabbi: "Go and get married"

Man: "That's it? How will that allow me to live forever?"

Rabbi: "It won't, but your desire will go away."

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What 4 words don’t you want to hear when making love?

Hi honey! I’m home!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves!!!

Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?

Women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most important thing when masturbating?

The ears, to hear if someone's coming.



(a joke from one of my teachers)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

A group of crows is called a murder. What do you call a group of Karens??

A migraine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?

Van Stay

What did master yoda say when he saw himself on a 4k tv?

HDMI

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

What's worse than Ants in your Pants?

Uncles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squid say to the bagpipes?

I would fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Albert Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of pure genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a...

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a sexual predator do in church?

Prey

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

-I have to do that or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny.


-That's not going to work.


-Why not?


-Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up.

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "Darn" And a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*

What does the secret service say when President Trump almost gets shot?

Donald, duck!

What's worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's something a guy can say while having sex as well as while playing hide n seek?

Ready or not here I come.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche

The porcupine usually has the pricks on the outside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats a skeleton’s favorite porn category

Eboney

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

What is Donald Trump's favourite nation?

Discrimination

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

Whats Bill Cosbys favorite disney character?

Sleeping beauty

What has 4 wheels and flies?

Garbage truck

My 6 year old daughter came up with this joke. What is a duck's favorite sea monster?

A Quacken

What do the movies The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

Icy dead people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They ask me what a penis from Asia is called

I say “Easy, caucasian”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Leper say to the prostitute???

You can keep the tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

What do Joe Biden and trans people have in common?

Republicans want to block their transition

Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen?

Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.

Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.

Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.

They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man say when he caught his girlfriend fucking her personal trainer?

This isn't working out.

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes ?

Piiig.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An electron or two

What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

They’re wages were garnished.

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

Donald J Trump was asked what the J in his name stood for

His response? "Genius".

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish pilot and Chinese pilot are flying together for the 1st time.

An hour into the flight, the Jewish pilot says to his Chinese counterpart “I don’t like the Chinese.”

Stunned, the Chinese pilot replies “Why don’t you like the Chinese?”

“Well” says the Jew, “the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor.”

Even more stunned, he replies ”The Chinese didn’t bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit and the other hoots but doesn’t shit.

What does Rudy Giuliani say to Trump when he can’t hear him?

Pardon me?

What's the difference between a jet engine and my wife?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Miami.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

What's the difference between a Cat and a Fleshlight?

If you've clicked into this to find out, then you really shouldn't have a cat.

What’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

What is atheism?

A non - prophet organization

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?

Dead

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

What do you call it when there is no Internet in Russia?

Internyet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the maximum speed allowed for sex?

68
Because at 69 you roll over

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

What did Sodium say to Bromine and Oxygen when they offered a threesome?

NaBrO

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”
The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

What is the difference between a Hooker and a Drug dealer?

A Hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?

58.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an enchanted penis?

A magic johnson.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

What will they call Trump’s prison reality TV show?

Orange is the new Orange.

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

My husband just asked me if I wanted to have a "68." I asked him, "What's that?"

"That means you do me, and I owe you one."

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells?

...pregnant!

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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