What does a Polish bride receive on her wedding night that’s long and hard?

A new last name

Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says

John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well cont...

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down or use lubricant

What does Alexa like to eat for breakfast?

Siri-al.

What word starts with N, ends with R and is associated with a race?

NASCAR

What do you call a 100cm long steak?

A meater.

What's the difference between Lay's and the Pfizer vaccine?

The Pfizer vaccine has at least one chip in it.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

What do you call a bird that sticks to things?

A 'vel'crow

What do the Danish do when confronted with consequences?

Cope and Häagen-Dazs

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between us, something smells!

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Einstein’s masturbation technique?

A stroke of genius.

What rash is commonly found on houses?

Shingles.

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity

What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

What's the leading cause of dry skin?

A towel

What's green and goes quick?

A South African duck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin..

What's the difference between a piano, a bucket of glue and a tuna fish?

You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.

Oh the glue you ask. I knew you'd get stuck on that.

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs.

What’s the blood type of a keyboard

A type-O

What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common?

I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg

What do dogs and nearsighted gynecologist have in common

They both have wet noses

What happens to a wolf when it’s fiscal responsibility annoys all the other wolves in the pack?

He becomes a loan wolf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokenoff

What do you call a fisherman fishing with a gun

A school shooting

what's the worst thing about wild alligators?

their wild allegations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you mix goat DNA and human DNA?

You get kicked the fuck out of the petting zoo, that's what.

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"Don't talk to the guy in between. He's a dick"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What did Harry say when the queen asked how black the newborn was?

Just a lilibet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Dr. Frankenstein's dog's name?

Scraps

What did the medieval knight say when he got caught doping?

“I was just getting my Lance Armstrong.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What you call the hair between an old lady’s Tits?

Her pussy

What do you call it when you fail to break your addiction to mid-day rests?

Re-naps

What’s black and white and red all over?

A Dalmatian in a blender.

Asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

She said, “I’d like a pistol. Maybe a Glock?”
She gave me a t-shirt with a target on it.

What does a French cat say?

LMAO

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?

Nobody knows.

Whats's yellow and can't swim?

A dead goldfish.

What type of coffee wake you up the best in the morning?

Any coffee that spilt over your laptop.

I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. “Excuse me, I don’t remember what room I’m in.” I said.

“No problem,” said the receptionist. “You’re in the lobby.”

What are Perry The Platypus’ pronouns?

Do Be Do/Be Do Bah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

A girl introduces her partner to 69, but he doesn't know what that is

"Why don't I show you?", she says with a wicked grin on her face

"Ok, I'm game for whatever," he says, having no idea what's in store

So she lays him down in bed and lowers herself onto his face

But she accidentally lets out a small fart

"Oops, I'm sorry -"

"I can'...

What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fungal.

What do you call a coffee drinking demon

A caffiend

What did the horse say when it fell?

*“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!”*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

What do you call an annoying german kid?

A BratWurst

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

Amino acid

What does a cowboy do when he's got a date?

He takes a ho down

What’s black and rhymes with Snoop

Dr. Dre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

What begins with a "W" and ends with a "T"

It really does!

What do you call a Chinese communist with a speech impediment?

Mousey Tongue

What’s the difference between a really strong weightlifter and a really, really, really strong weightlifter?

Repetitions.

What‘s the penalty for polygamy?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

What are the pronouns for someone who identifies as an attack helicopter?

Apache/Apachim

Run Grandpa run!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several...

My friend told me she's majoring in being disappointed and almost getting what she wants

She's the only poly-sigh major I've met so far

What is the difference

Between whatever and ever.

A hobbit walks into a hospital room.

His grandfather was on his deathbed. After talking to him, he laid down and closed his eyes. He slowly got an erection. Everyone in the room was slightly confused. Sensing the tension in the room, he whispered something in his grandson's ear and died. When others asked him what it was, he replied "O...

What does an online taxi company and phillips-head have in common?

They both screw drivers.

I'll never forget what my dad said to me right before he died.

"ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE LADDER?"

Bribery is never the answer...

At least, that is what they paid me to say

What happens after your phone battery gives birth?

It delivers its percenta.

What do you call a smokin' hot Karen?

A hard no.

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

What did the eight say to infinity?

You okay, buddy? You don’t look so good.

What’s the difference between a policeman and a bullet?

Atleast when a bullet kills someone. It’s fired.

What do you call an Iguana with no eyes

Guana

What do mumble rappers from the East coast rap about?

I don’t know...Their verses aren’t Pacific.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is out fishing on a lake with a member of his church.

Just when they were fixing to call it a day and reeling in the lines, the priest gets a bite. He finally gets the fish on the boat and his friend says, “Wow! What a beautiful son of a bitch.”


The priest looks at the man shocked. The man explains, “No Father. That’s what the fish is calle...

My wife said we need to sit down and talk about our future, and I was like 'Yeah gonna be awesome! Flying Cars, Colonies on Mars!, Self fixing robots it's gonna be amazing!!'

Not what she meant, am now single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had to stop for a donkey crossing the road.

Cool thing was he looked both ways before he crossed.

What a smart ass.

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?

Names.

What do you call applause after a bukkake?

Facial recognition

Joke my grandpa told me.

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for three shots. The bar tender asks why 3? The guys says he has 2 brothers. one who lives in England, one who lives in Scotland. He says he has a shot for all 3 of them, so it feels like he’s with the. The bartender give the guy his three shots. The...

Three UDP packets walk into a bar

The first says "I'll have a beer"
The third says "I'll have a whisky"
The second says "I'll have wine"
The barman asks what they want to drink

What’s the difference between 1,000 used condoms and a tyre?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year.

What do you get when you drink milk?

A moostache

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you?

Peer pressure.

Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn't find one.

Doctor: I was just checking if my pen work's.

A man just got a car for his wife.

Now that's what you call fair trade.

A woman walks into the hospital

She says, "Doctor. Could you help me out?"

The doctor says "Sure thing. What way did you come in?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

What do you call a party of dwarves with very low constitution?

An extra short campaign

What do you call an Islamic cow?

A Mooslim.

What do you call a man with an axe over his head?

Sort of Damocles

Two guys walked into a bar

They sit down and are asked what they would like to drink one of them said a beer
And the other said whiskey and the one who had beer said why are you getting whiskey and he said so when I go back to my wife I won’t have to hear her complain on why I was out so late

What's Medusa's favorite cheese?

*Gorgonzola*!



....



OK, I'll show myself out.....

I have 4 legs 3 eyes and 4 noses what am i

ugly

What did the hydroxide ion say when it suddenly understood its purpose in life?

OH-

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a really cheap male prostitute?

Five dollar footlong.

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

Little Johnny

An insurance officer comes to a farm and meets Little Johnny and asks,

"Hello, are your parents home by any chance?"

Little Johnny: "My parents were run over by the tractor ..."

Insurance officer: "Really? That's awful! Are your siblings at home?"

Little Johnny: "Run ...

My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is

What do you want to become after the burnout?

What do you call one of our ancestors who wavers home drunk?

A meanderthal

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

Engineers and managers on train

(obligatory, English is my second language, so expect some mistakes)

Group of engineers and managers are going to a conference and they're travelling by train. Managers bought one ticket each while whole engineers group has single ticket. Managers laught at them for not planning properly, bu...

What do you call a tapeworm with glasses?

A para-sight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a Leprechaun!

A man was at a club and after several drinks, of course he had to go to the bathroom. When he started relieving himself in the trough, he noticed a dwarf a few feet down the trough. He glanced down and saw that the dwarf was hung like a horse.

“Damn! How does a little guy like you have such a...

A priest, a minister and a rabbit entered a clinic, to donate blood.

The nurse asked the rabbit, "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O !!" said the rabbit.

What do the archive room of the USS Enterprise and Jean-Luc Picard's ensuite bathroom have in common?

They're both reserved for Captain's logs

What happened to the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?

A lycansubscribe

My wife said I was a God in bed.

Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College...

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

A job never stops sucking

What does a mathematician say when he's drowning?

Log log log log

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast.
Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks:

"What was that ? - Why did you hit me that hard ?"

She: "That was for 25 years of bad sex."

He continues eating his ...

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

A train's co-conductor spotted a landmine on the train tracks up ahead.

"MINE!" the co-conductor shouted.
"What's that?" the head conductor asked cynically. "I thought I've already made it clear that this train is mine. Is that cle-"

Suddenly, the train ran over the landmine, creating a massive explosion, leaving an unfortunate amount of survivors. The head ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Your happiest memory.."

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village. The reporter asks him: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life...

"Well, th...

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man t...

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.

My friends tell me that I make a lot of tautological statements.

Whatever. It is what it is.

What's green and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

What do you call conspiracy theorists in a line?

Queue Anon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple are reminiscing about their marriage

The husband says to the wife, "Do you remember when we first got married? Lived in that crappy little studio apartment, had that tiny black and white TV, and drove that rusty old Ford? My only consolation was getting to go to bed every night with a hot 22 year old. Now we have this huge house with a...

What’s the different between Bitcoin and my wife?

My wife doesn’t go down on me.


Get it? Bitcoins dropping and I’m in a horrible marriage.

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear...

No matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her
boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He sticks 2 fingers up the man’s nose and tells him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

What’s a cats favorite insect to chase?

Waspspspspsps

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a rabbit with a crooked penis?

Fucks funny!

What did Rocky say when he heard about the UAP report?

ALIEEENNNNN

Samples for the doctor

An elderly man went to see the doctor, accompanied by his wife, as he was somewhat deaf.

Doctor: I'm going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample. Please pass them to the nurse when done.

Husband: What did the doctor say?

Wife: Give your underwear to the nurse...

If a mini quiz were called a “quizzicle,” what would a mini test be called?

A quiz. Get your mind out of the gutter.

What do Computer Hackers and priests have in common?

They both look for a backdoor entrance

Two scientists are looking at quarks through a microscope

Scientist 1: You see this up quark?

Scientist 2: What up quark?

Scientist 1: Nothing much, how about you?

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

I’m sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you ...

What you call a house with a Mexican and American ghost?

A Juan-Ted house

What did the fishing boat say to the man'owar?

I warship you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

So the snowman gets frisky with the vampire

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

Say the same damn "HDMI" joke again, please don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What’s the difference between an anal and an oral thermometer?

A: The Taste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What is a necrophiliac’s favorite body part?

Deadass

Dr calls man & demands he come into the office immediately.

Dr says you remember those tests we ran a couple of days ago? The man say yes. Dr says well I have some bad news and I have some really bad news. The man say well let me have the bad news first. The Dr says you only have 3 days to live & you need to get your affairs in order. The man says, wow...

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were on Sale of the Century

It was a close game, and it came down to a three-way tie breaker, so the host said "I want you to finish the song title, and spell it out for me. Old MacDonald had a What?"

The American, quick as a flash, hit his buzzer and said "Ranch. R-A-N-C-H".

"Good spelling, but that's the wrong ...

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