UPJOKE
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What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

What's the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

A writ of safe passage from his majesty, King Charles II of England.

What's your favourite Chuck Norris joke?

Let's start with one of my favs:
"Chuck Norris’ password is the last 9 digits of pi."

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

UK joke - What town uses VPNs the most?

Ipswich

What is the difference between Politicians and Flying Pigs ?

The letter f

What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?

Teapot

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pig pleasuring itself?

Masturbacon

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A Pool Table

What do you call an American in the world cup final.

Ref

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you call the woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

can someone tell me what LGBTQ means?

I can't get a straight answer

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

I don’t see what the big deal about Black Friday is.

All Fridays matter.

What religion do they practice in Hell?

Crispianity.

What do you call a priest who always lies?

A pathological friar.

What do you call someone who speaks three or more languages?

Multilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American.

What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often?

Half a horse.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

Whats the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you?

I love umami !!

What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

One can feed a family.

So what if I can’t spell Armmagedon?

It’s not the end of the world.

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

Only takes one nail to hang the picture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is the female version of rock out with your cock out?

Jam out with your clam out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? …

sex is what we want!

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?

Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

What's does nuclear radiation specialist have for dinner?

Fission chips!

What does a Scotsman wear underneath his kilt?

On good days a touch of lipstick.

What do you call two bicycles that are stuck together?

Conjoined Schwinns

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?

A Mathmachicken.

My kid told me that and it made me chuckle.

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane?

Nope, nun of the above

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between free sex and paid sex?

Free sex cost more

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can happen if you have sex with shellfish?

You get clamydia

what do you get when you mix goat DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

If dogs have masters, what do cats have?

Staff.

Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…

Hans down.

What do you call a hole where you get water?

Well?

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What's it called when Herschel Walker has diarrhea?

A Georgia runoff.

What's a pirate's favorite periodic element?

Gold. What would a pirate want to do with Argon?

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?

Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students

A pdfile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

Idk if this joke works. I’m workshopping it

If a vegetable wrote an erotic asphyxiation help guide, what would it be titled?

“Art of choke me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the one saggy boob say to other saggy boob?

"We need some support soon. Otherwise, people will start to think we're nuts".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between sex and cake days?

Most Redditors have had cake days

What’s a stormtrooper’s favourite store?

The one right next to the Target

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

What do you call a group of Batmans?

An orphanage

What's the best part about having Alzheimer's?

You get to laugh at all the reposts on here everytime.

What’s Icarus’ least favorite food?

hot wings

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

BMW have pricks on the inside.

What's the scariest part about climate change?

The atmosfear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the Difference Between Golf and Skydiving?

In golf, it's \*whack\*....."Aw shit!" and in skydiving, it's the other way around.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

About halfway.

What is a wok?

A wok is what you thwow at a wabbit when you have no wifle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a proctologist and a retail worker?

The proctologist needed to go to college to deal with assholes for a living.

My circus hired what has to be the world's worst human cannon ball.

Unfortunately he's unionised so we can't even fire him.

What's the worst combination of diseases you can have?

Alzheimer's and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, especially when you can't remember why you're running.

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex

He nuts and bolts…

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

What do little shops become at full moon?

Werehouses

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

What spund does James Bond’s doorbell make?

Dong. Ding Dong

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can’t quit and people’s lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

What sound does a one legged turkey make?

Wobble Wobble

What does a pair of Levi's and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

What's the hardest part of being addicted to money?

The withdrawals.

What do you get when you mix Napolean Dynamite and Napolean Bonaparte?

Napolean Blownapart

[NSFW] What is a guaranteed way to make a Weiner hard?

Put it in the microwave for about 2 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What is the difference between a circus and a stripper club?

One is an array of cunning stunts . . .

What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.

What are a trans parents pronouns

Who/where

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

What do you call a poor person from the 1750s

Baroque

What kind of ice cream do they sell at airports

Plain ice cream

What do you call the trend to cancel pineapples?

#Banananas

What language is most commonly used during computer programming?

Foul Language!!!

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

What do marble countertops hate the most?

Being taken for granite.

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between 3 cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke.

What's a redditor's most effective birth control?

Their personality

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question

You’re riding a giraffe and a tiger is chasing you.. What do you do?

You get off the merry-go-round

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.







(I didn’t write the joke)

What's the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese!

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

What part of your body shouldn't move while dancing?

Your bowels!

What’s your favorite “yo mamma” joke?

One of my favorites: your mama’s armpits are so hairy it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

What did the mother buffalo say to her little boy as he left for school?

Bison!

What do you call potatoes that aren't real?

Imitators

What do you call a handsome Turkish guy?

A hottoman.

What is grey and comes in pints?

An elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

what is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

What would you call it if Mel Gibson apologizes to the Jewish people?

Melatonin

What is the most overplayed chord in a Christian band?

Gsus

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

What's worse than finding a bomb under your car?

Not finding it.

What worse then having your doctor reach up and grab your shoulder while giving you a prostate exam?

Having your doctor reach up and grab both your shoulders while doing you prostrate exam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with Parkinson’s?

Beef jerky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

My 9-year old told this one today. What does Snoop Dogg say after performing a magic trick?

Ta da da da da

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call masturbating while stoned?

Weed whacking

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

What is the difference between "Ooooh" and "Aaaah"?

10 centimeters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between the dollar and the pound?

I didn’t dollar your mom’s ass last night.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

What did the candy bar say when you asked for their pronouns?

Her/she

What's the product name if Apple started making drones?

iSoar

(inspired by ImpulseSV)

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

What did the hungry missile say?

When is launch at?

What do you call and Englishman's walking cane?

A ChapStick

What do you get if you cross a river with a school bus?

Fired.

What happened when the square had an accident?

It became a wrecked angle.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell. She's got a grenade in her mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

What did the soccer fan say when the beer ran out?

Damn, this game is boring.

What's the difference between Ukraine and Russia?

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

Kanye went to a fortune teller to see what was in his future

The fortune teller told him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. Kanye asked how she could be so sure. "Any day" she replied "you die will be a Jewish holiday"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked...

A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?"

Johnny replied, "eggs."

"Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?"

"Wool."

"Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?"

"Homework."

Apparently Robbie has his own seat in the princ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02 * 10^23 butts?

Molasses

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

“Quack! Quack!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when John Fogerty has oral sex with a mortician?

Down on the Coroner.

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