What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

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What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

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What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?

Bob.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Posting this for a friend who thinks this a funny joke.. what do think? (NSFW)

Nobody: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Me: Idk

Nobody: an Uber

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What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

What’s the difference between an anti-vaxxer and a hot dog?

The hot dog might actually have some brains in it.

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What time zone are most pornos shot in?

Mountin' time

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What do you say when you catch your friend having sex with a jar of mayonnaise?

Fucking Hellmann.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

What is 500ft wide and has no pubic hair?

What is 500 ft wide and has no pubic hair?


The first row of a Justin Bieber concert.

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for

So far no one has given me a straight answer.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

CHURCH

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K

HDMI

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through one of his jokes without laughing.

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What's the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck tale?

Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

When you die what part of the body dies last?

The pupils because they dilate.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

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What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

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What’s a sex offenders favorite shoes ?

White Vans.

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

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What do jokes and vaginas have in common?

>!The bad ones are really cheesy.!<

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

What's NNN?

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

What’s the oldest age a man can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

What’s it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

What is Karen's favorite drink?

White whine

What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class?

Doctor

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?

Thank everyone for coming!

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What does a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose

What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?

Fission Chips

What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?

A swallow

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common.

Both end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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NSFW what's long, hard and filled with semen?

A penis. Boats are filled with sea men.

Spelling matters, people.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room you know it’s some good shit!

What do Pro-Vaxxers and Anti-Vaxxers have in common?

They'll never be fully vaccinated.

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

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What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

A Meanderthal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between dildos and tofu?

I can put a dildo in my mouth without gagging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

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What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Vast majority of folks in Dubai do not like the Flintstones, but most in Abu Dhabi do.

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

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What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?

“You wouldn’t believe the fucking day I just had.”

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back. I don't know how big its going to get!"

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What does a bungee cord and a hooker have in common?

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick in your ass

Wife stops husband from doing what he wants

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Buddy but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the state...

What do you call a snowman hooker?

A FROST-titute.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

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What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

What do you call a sneaky cow?

Invisibull.

What do you call Batman when he is hurt?

Bruised Wayne

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When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?

Eleven.

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

My 9 year old told me this one. What is the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

She's so petite and delicate so it was perfectly hilarious.

What kind of doctor was Dr. Huxtable on the Cosby Show?

Anesthesiologist

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?

Spheremint

Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?

Husband: A cute British girl.

\*wife returns from London\*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait nine months.

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist......

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims.

I’ll be here all week folks, try the veal.

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?

A tornado

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubrication

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They are both Paris sites

What’s the difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump?

Trump would’ve charged for the kool-aid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

What do you call Napoleon hit by a cannonball?

Napoleon Blown Apart.

I asked my coworker what happens when we die?

"They hire someone else," my coworker replied.

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

What do a giant squid and a paid hooker have in common

They both eat seamen

What do a pistol and candy have in common?

When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?

Megasoreass

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people....

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

Four drinks.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?

One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?

Dinner for 4

What’s Forest Gump’s password?

1Forest1.

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?

A Lucy Fir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW!] What's Lady gaga's favourite way to have sex?

Raw raw, raw raw raw!

What's worse than finding a hole in your condom

Finding a condom in your hole

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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What’s the similarity between having sex and bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you’re doomed.

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What's the difference between a porn addict and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches.

What's the difference between your wife and your work?

After 10 years, your job still sucks.

What did Gandhi say while having dinner with the Queen of England?

"Could you pass the salt?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a little shit?

A dumpling.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?…

Uncles

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

What type of underpants do lawyers wear?

Legal briefs.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

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What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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What do giants and strippers both have in common?

They both grind men’s bones to make their bread.

What do you call a duck with a drug problem?

A quack head

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the bank teller that masterbaited in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the most sensitive part on mans body while he is masturbating.

His ears....

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

What does Big Foot keep time with?

His sasqwatch

What's the difference between a young and old person?

When you're young a joint is something you smoke, when you're old it's something that hurts

What group of people never get angry?

The nomads!

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

So I met a girl last night and we got talking. She asked me what my perfect date would be.

I said DD/MM/YYYY, anything else is just wrong.

What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the one food that can make a woman lose all interest in sex?

Wedding cake.

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