A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

What do you call an online lawyer

E-legal

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

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What do you call a homosexual russian?

Sir gay

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.

His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”

“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s silence, and then a gunshot.

The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK,...

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room...

What's Brown and Sticky?

A stick

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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What do you call a mermaid who's a prostitute?

H-2-Hoe

A pregnant woman goes into a coma.

When she wakes up months later, she's no longer pregnant.

"You had twins! A girl and a boy," The nurse exclaims. "Your brother named them."

"What did he name the girl?" The woman asks.

"Denise."

"That's alright, I like Denise. And the boy?"

"Denephew."

“Mom? What’s dark humor?”

“Well son...you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.”

“Mom! I’m blind.”


“Exactly.”

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”

I say: “no it doesn’t”

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

What would you call an alligator wearing a vest ?

An investigator.

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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

What do you put in a bathtub with an epileptic?

Your dirty clothes

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss

What does smoking marijuana do?

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase.

"Where are you going?" she asks...

What do you call a person without a body or a nose?

Nobody knows!

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A man walks into a pub and sits on a stool at the bar.

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a drink?"

The man says, "Thank you, I'll have a scotch and soda."

The bartender serves the man his drink and says, "That'll be four-fifty."

The man looked surprised. "Four-fifty what?"

"Four dollars and fifty cents. That's the pr...

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What did one tampon say to another?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t ...

The unfaithful wife

A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfai...

St. Patrick's Day

So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused. "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ...

What does it smell like when a cow farts?

Dairy-air

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia?

Internyet

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

What did Sushi A say to Sushi B when they met?

Wasabi.

A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.

The barman astonishe...

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Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

A: I don'...

What’s electricity’s favorite topic?

Current events

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire...

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest....

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?

Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-

Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.

What do being dead and being an idiot have in common?

It's only painful for other people

What do girls and noodles have in common?

##

They both wiggle when you eat them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the penis say to a group of penises?

What's up phallus

What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?

A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western E...

What's the most electrifying city?

Coulombus, OH

Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for

He said 'Genius'

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What’s made of plastic and dangerous for kids?

Michael Jackson.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit

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Or what?

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The doctor advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You see, doct...

What pizza did the twin towers order?

Two plains

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask...

What do you call bills that come in the mail?

Fee mail

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

What's the difference between Catholic priests and Olympic silver medalists?

They both came in a little behind.

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What's the worst possible response when your kid comes out as gay?

"Hi Gay, I'm Dad!"

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

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What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.

"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."

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A Japanese man flew to Amerika to be with the girl of his dreams that he had met online.

He arrived at her parents house and rang the doorbell. When her father opened the door, the Japanese man bowed and introduced himself.

"My name is Hieto Sazukawaskawa and I am here to sleep with your daughter."

The fathers eyes grew wide and he asked in disbelieve.

"You are he...

What is Obi-wan's favorite car?

The Toyota Highlander

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, has choked people when used improperly, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

What's worse than three babies in one trashcan?

One baby in three trashcans.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?!...