My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

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What do you call a Fire Elemental stripper?

A molotov cocktease

If someone made a song about my favourite element

It would be fire

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

I want to start a restaurant for separated elements

I'll call it "I-O-Dine". I think it'll help the divorced find a solution.

Why is helium the most respected element?

People speak very highly of it

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

How often do scientists check the table of elements?

Periodically

What do you call an element that always complains?

a lament.

What's a ninja's favourite element?

The element of surprise.

What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element?

Silver

“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”

I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium.

I personally think it's "just 'K."

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

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A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was.

They answered "The element of surprise!"

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

Scientists have finally named the 119th element!

The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

What did the one element say to the other while they were playing Minecraft

Bromine!

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

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What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

What are the Avatar elements?

Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

Damn girl, are you the element symbols of copper and tellurium?

cause you CuTe

What's the friendlist element out there?

Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

What do you call the element of suprise?

The Spanish Inquisition

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

Most Precious Element

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"


Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, becau...

Did you hear that a new element was just discovered?

Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise.

(Got this from a friend)

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

What element tastes the best?

Tungsten.

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

What do you do with dead elements?

You barium

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

Do you want to know how often i say element jokes?

Periodically.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

Copper is the only element that have eyes

Becuase it can Cu.

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

My wife wanted an element of surprise for our anniversary

I bought her a lump of Molybdenum

What elements are a banana made out of?

BaNa₂

What is the hentai chemist's favorite element?

Manganese...



I'll show myself out.

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements?

The atoms family.

Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest?

Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Mike Tyson's favorite element?

None of your Bismuth

What is a pirate's favourite element?

Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

Why are elements so important?

Because they matter

What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements?

A chemenist!

What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element?

Un un quadium. Then, uranium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously?

Silly-con!

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves "Earth, Fire and Ice"

"What happened to Air?"

"He kept blowing them off"

What's an epileptic man's least favorite element?

Cesium.

What is an assassin's favorite element?

What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike?

Because it was extremely reactive

Potassium would be the worst element to chat with

He (or she) would always reply with "K".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

The confused radioactive element

So there was a radioactive element who was perpetually confused.
One fine day, he was asked, "what do you do?".

"IDK".

Are you element 117?

Because you're the only ten I seen.

Short Chemistry Joke For You All

What are the elements of life?









Lithium and Iron

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table.

That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.

What is a hipster's favorite element?

Fe, because it's so ironic

I didn’t study for chemistry

My chem teacher once asked me what S was on the periodic table, and I didn’t know so I said “the element of Surprise,” apparently he was surprised with my answer.

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

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So this dude is like, "Where are you going with all that Element 83?"

and I was like "None of your bismuth"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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