My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

I asked the sodium if it was a popular element

It said Na

Michael Jackson, what element comes after Oxygen?

He He!

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

Scientists just found a new element and it is the heaviest element known to humans!

They're naming it urmomium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a pirate's favorite element?

Gold, duh. What the fuck is a pirate going to do with Argon?

Elements of the periodic table are being interviewed

The interviewer asks Oxygen what they are. Oxygen says "I'm a gas."


The interviewer asks Copper what they are. Copper says "I'm a solid."


The interviewer asks Bromine what they are. Bromine says "I'm a liquid."


The interviewer asks Roentgenium what they are. Roentgen...

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?

***Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

If someone made a song about my favourite element

It would be fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Fire Elemental stripper?

A molotov cocktease

Why is helium the most respected element?

People speak very highly of it

I want to start a restaurant for separated elements

I'll call it "I-O-Dine". I think it'll help the divorced find a solution.

Give me your best/worst jokes.

There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.

//actual joke I told her//

Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental sy...

Lucky Number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the ...

How often do scientists check the table of elements?

Periodically

What do you call an element that always complains?

a lament.

What's a ninja's favourite element?

The element of surprise.

The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was.

They answered "The element of surprise!"

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium.

I personally think it's "just 'K."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was "Exposure to the Elements".

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

What’s a Chad’s favorite element?

Bromine

What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element?

Silver

“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

Scientists have finally named the 119th element!

The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.

What did the one element say to the other while they were playing Minecraft

Bromine!

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

Wife and Husband chatting.

Wife: Did you know that water is the most essential element of life.?


Husband: Yes of course, because without water you can't make beer.

What are the Avatar elements?

Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

What do you do with dead elements?

You barium

What do you call the element of suprise?

The Spanish Inquisition

Damn girl, are you the element symbols of copper and tellurium?

cause you CuTe

What element tastes the best?

Tungsten.

What's the friendlist element out there?

Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!

Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

Did you hear that a new element was just discovered?

Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise.

(Got this from a friend)

Most Precious Element

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"


Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, becau...

Do you want to know how often i say element jokes?

Periodically.

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

What elements are a banana made out of?

BaNa₂

Copper is the only element that have eyes

Becuase it can Cu.

What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements?

The atoms family.

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

My wife wanted an element of surprise for our anniversary

I bought her a lump of Molybdenum

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

What is the hentai chemist's favorite element?

Manganese...



I'll show myself out.

Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest?

Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Mike Tyson's favorite element?

None of your Bismuth

What is a pirate's favourite element?

Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

Why are elements so important?

Because they matter

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element?

Un un quadium. Then, uranium

What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements?

A chemenist!

What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously?

Silly-con!

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves "Earth, Fire and Ice"

"What happened to Air?"

"He kept blowing them off"

Are you element 117?

Because you're the only ten I seen.

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

What's an epileptic man's least favorite element?

Cesium.

What is the most mediocre element?

So-Sodium

What is an assassin's favorite element?

What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)

Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike?

Because it was extremely reactive

Potassium would be the worst element to chat with

He (or she) would always reply with "K".

My favorite elements in the periodical chart are oxygen and potassium.

But most other people just find them O K.

The confused radioactive element

So there was a radioactive element who was perpetually confused.
One fine day, he was asked, "what do you do?".

"IDK".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table.

That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.

What is a hipster's favorite element?

Fe, because it's so ironic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this dude is like, "Where are you going with all that Element 83?"

and I was like "None of your bismuth"

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

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