UPJOKE
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My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

Which element should they make caskets out of?

Barium

What sets carbon apart from the other elements?

It’s the only element with based life forms.

A lot of people think the movie "The 5th Element" is exciting

Personally I think it's boron.

This is an actual medieval joke from 14th century Florence:

A Florentine had in his home a young man who instructed his children in the elements of knowledge. After a long stay, the young tutor felt himself so much at home that he had in turn the housemaid, the nurse, and finally the mistress herself.

When the master of the house, who was a jovial fel...

What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?

Nitrogen, sulfur, fluorine, and tungsten…because they are NSFW.

A magnet walks into an elemental singles bar and tries a pickup line on a pretty slab of metal.

"Is your name *Beryllium*? 'Cause you can alka-***lie*** next to *my* earth metal!"

The slab of ***lead*** says "Nah. You don't *attract* me."

Ba dum TSS!

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

I asked the sodium if it was a popular element

It said Na

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a pirate's favorite element?

Gold, duh. What the fuck is a pirate going to do with Argon?

Michael Jackson, what element comes after Oxygen?

He He!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Essay

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: - religion - royalty - sex - mystery The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

What the difference between a Redditor and a fisherman?

When a fisherman tells a story, there’s usually an element of truth to it.

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.



Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

If someone made a song about my favourite element

It would be fire

Elements of the periodic table are being interviewed

The interviewer asks Oxygen what they are. Oxygen says "I'm a gas."


The interviewer asks Copper what they are. Copper says "I'm a solid."


The interviewer asks Bromine what they are. Bromine says "I'm a liquid."


The interviewer asks Roentgenium what they are. Roentgen...

What do you call an element that always complains?

a lament.

The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was.

They answered "The element of surprise!"

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium.

I personally think it's "just 'K."

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?

***Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.***

What's a ninja's favourite element?

The element of surprise.

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Fire Elemental stripper?

A molotov cocktease

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

How often do scientists reference the Table of Elements?

Periodically.

I want to start a restaurant for separated elements

I'll call it "I-O-Dine". I think it'll help the divorced find a solution.

What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element?

Silver

“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”

What’s a Chad’s favorite element?

Bromine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

What do you call the element of suprise?

The Spanish Inquisition

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

Scientists have finally named the 119th element!

The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

Did you hear that a new element was just discovered?

Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise.

(Got this from a friend)

Most Precious Element

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"


Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, becau...

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

What did the one element say to the other while they were playing Minecraft

Bromine!

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

How often do you hear element jokes on Reddit?

Periodically!

What element tastes the best?

Tungsten.

Copper is the only element that have eyes

Becuase it can Cu.

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

What's the friendlist element out there?

Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!

Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest?

Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...

My favorite element is Helium

I can't speak highly enough of it

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

What do you do with dead elements?

You barium

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

What is the hentai chemist's favorite element?

Manganese...



I'll show myself out.

What is a pirate's favourite element?

Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

What are the Avatar elements?

Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips

What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element?

Un un quadium. Then, uranium

Give me your best/worst jokes.

There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.

//actual joke I told her//

Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental sy...

What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously?

Silly-con!

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

What elements are a banana made out of?

BaNa₂

What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements?

The atoms family.

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

If you're not supposed to eat in a chemistry lab

Then why do most of the elements end in yum?

What's an epileptic man's least favorite element?

Cesium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

What is an assassin's favorite element?

What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)

Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike?

Because it was extremely reactive

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

The confused radioactive element

So there was a radioactive element who was perpetually confused.
One fine day, he was asked, "what do you do?".

"IDK".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

What is a hipster's favorite element?

Fe, because it's so ironic

Are you element 117?

Because you're the only ten I seen.

Why are elements so important?

Because they matter

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this dude is like, "Where are you going with all that Element 83?"

and I was like "None of your bismuth"

The classical elements are five. Earth, fire, wind, water

And the element of surprise.

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