My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

Why is helium the most respected element?

People speak very highly of it

How often do scientists check the table of elements?

Periodically

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A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

What kind of plant contains every known element?

A chemis-tree.

I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium.

I personally think it's "just 'K."

What do you call an element that always complains?

a lament.

What's a ninja's favourite element?

The element of surprise.

The chemistry teacher was asked what their favorite element was.

They answered "The element of surprise!"

In my efforts to come up with a unique style of music, I tried to mesh together the elements of Jazz and Funk.

But it just sounded like junk.

What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element?

Silver

“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

To break the ice before a lab, we were told to tell our assigned groups the chemical element that represents us...

Sally said Helium because she's carefree and doesn't react to much. John said Potassium cause he loves to bring his energy into things and he's not keen on baths. Mary said Iron because she's malleable and likes to support everyone.
I said Uranium because I'm dense, unstable, and toxic.

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

What did the one element say to the other while they were playing Minecraft

Bromine!

Scientists have discovered a new element that makes people raise their eyebrows.

They are calling it the element of surprise.

The most important element of public speaking?

Podium

That is astounding Holmes! How did you deduce it was lithium poisoning that ended that poor chap's life?

Element three, my dear Watson.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

Scientists have finally named the 119th element!

The new official name is “Astonishium”. It seems they have discovered the element of surprise.

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

When people scare me, I throw metallic elements at them.

Call that a defense magnesium

What is the least stable element?

Pandemonium.

What are the Avatar elements?

Water, Earth, Fire and Lays chips

Damn girl, are you the element symbols of copper and tellurium?

cause you CuTe

What's the friendlist element out there?

Bro...wait for it...mine! Bromine!

Most Precious Element

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"


Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, becau...

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

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What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

What do you call the element of suprise?

The Spanish Inquisition

What group of people’s favorite element is Nickel?

The Knights who say Ni!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

Did you hear that a new element was just discovered?

Its atomic symbol is Ah, and it’s called the element of surprise.

(Got this from a friend)

What element tastes the best?

Tungsten.

What do you do with dead elements?

You barium

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

Do you want to know how often i say element jokes?

Periodically.

Why do chemists call Helium, Curium, and Barium 'the medical elements'?

Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'barium'!

What elements make up life?

Lithium and Iron

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

Copper is the only element that have eyes

Becuase it can Cu.

What is the hentai chemist's favorite element?

Manganese...



I'll show myself out.

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

What elements are a banana made out of?

BaNa₂

A group of nagging dentists discovered and new chemical element.

It's called Phlosphorus.

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What is Mike Tyson's favorite element?

None of your Bismuth

What is a pirate's favourite element?

Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

Apparently the ‘creative differences’ that lead to Danny Boyle quitting as director of the next Bond film were around his desire to involve a time travel element where 007 went back in time to Medieval England.

It was to be called: The spy who loved mead

Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest?

Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...

What do you call a scientist who wants equal rights for all elements?

A chemenist!

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

Why are elements so important?

Because they matter

What’s the North Korean leader’s favorite periodic element?

Un un quadium. Then, uranium

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

Short Chemistry Joke For You All

What are the elements of life?









Lithium and Iron

What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements?

The atoms family.

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

What element in the Periodic Table of Elements can you not take seriously?

Silly-con!

Why is that airbender sad?

I don’t know! He is having an Elemental breakdown

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

What is the most mediocre element?

So-Sodium

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

A Helium enters to a bar of elements...

The bartender just kicks him out saying he's too noble to be there.

But he didn't react.

The elements decided to make a band. They called themselves "Earth, Fire and Ice"

"What happened to Air?"

"He kept blowing them off"

I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.

What's an epileptic man's least favorite element?

Cesium.

What is an assassin's favorite element?

What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)

Why did the element Fluorine get a copyright strike?

Because it was extremely reactive

Are you element 117?

Because you're the only ten I seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently some people on Tumblr say they're sexually attracted to elements on the periodic table.

That's not really my thing ... except for that time in college when I experimented with carbon dating.

What is a hipster's favorite element?

Fe, because it's so ironic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this dude is like, "Where are you going with all that Element 83?"

and I was like "None of your bismuth"

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