UPJOKE
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Without Jokes

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

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Day 317 without sex

Went jogging in flipflops just to remember the sound.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

"Tell us you're wealthy without saying you're wealthy"

"Jeeves, tell those people I'm wealthy"

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

A boy was born without a body

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.

So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes a...

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

The furniture store salesman told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said “Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

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Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

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You can't spell advertisements without

semen between the tits

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

A boy is born without a body

A boy is born without a body and miraculously survives. Even though he has no body parts below the neck he manages to make it through high school and on his 18th birthday his father takes him out for his first drink.

The boy drinks his first beer and instantly grows a torso. In utter shock, t...

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

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What are boobs without nipples?

Pointless

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What do you call it when a guy helps his female friend without expecting sex?

A Platonic solid.

What do you call a person without a son?

Per

Who can drink 5 gallons of petrol without getting sick?

Jerry can.

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

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Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the ...

Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.

Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

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What's a whale without undies

A free Willy

How do you call a country without nobility?

A Baron wasteland.

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Without women sex would be

a pain in the ass

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Have you heard about the boy born without eyelids?

With new medical science they removed his foreskin for new eyelids. However they say he will be cockeyed.


Super corny and probably old I know. My uncle told me this before he passed in the most dead pan serious way and I laughed so hard I cried once the punchline hit me.

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk!

Who else would like to see a puppet show without the puppets?

Let’s see a show of hands…

My Wife said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?

I said :- I am not kidding you .

I drink alcohol without hesitation, but drugs,

…drugs is where I draw the line.

What do you call a circumciser without a knife?

A ripoff

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

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A guy walks into a bar without money…

He asks the bartender if he can get a free drink. The bartender kindly replies there are no free drinks on offer, but he could actually try the challenge and win free drinks for the rest of his life…

Naturally, the guy is interested; ‘So tell me about that challenge!’

The bartender exp...

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Just like any other season

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

I don't enjoy music without lyrics.

It just doesn't speak to me.

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh.

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Guys without balls applies for a job

"You're hired! Report tomorrow at 8am"
\- Thanks! There's just one detail I'd like you to know about me. I lost my balls during the war. But I can otherwise function perfectly fine.
"Ah ok, then you can come tomorrow at 9am"
\- Sir, I appreciate the consideration, but I do not expect ...

How do you cuss someone out without saying a cuss word?

You are a total British person saying the word "can't."

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

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443rd day without sex:

Watching the clock at 4:43 just to see when it's gonna be on all fours.

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

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A boy was born without eyelids the other day.....

So they grafted some of the foreskin from his penis to make him some eyelids. He's expected to be fine but the doctor said he'll be a little cock-eyed.

The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

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What do you call penguins without a gun?

Penis

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

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Kid born without eyelids.

I just read where a kid was born without eyelids. The doctors have came up with a way to correct the problem, they are going to use his foreskin to make him eyelids. The doctors said that they will work fine and the kid will live a normal life. The only problem is that the kid will be a little cocke...

What do you call a pig without clothes?

A bacon strip!

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion...
DEEP

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

How do you go over the speed limit without speeding?

You hit the sign

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

Meanest insults without cursing

Example 1. " Your existence only proves that your dad shouldve put you in a washcloth instead of your mom "

For many years, Jack and Emily have been living together without being married.

One day, Emily says:

• Jack, this situation isn't working like this, let's get married already, she said.

Jack, quite calmly:

• Who would marry us at this age, Emily?

This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.

He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.

Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.

He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks h...

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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

I have the IQ of a pencil without an eraser

I create problems and make someone else clean them up

Earth without art

Is just, Eh

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How is college like sex without a condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

You'd think a snail would be faster without it's shell,

But it's actually more sluggish...

I was wondering what my parents did without the internet

and none of my 7 siblings could tell me

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and penc...

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Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

Let they who are without sun…

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the firs...

Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute...

The place where he collided with the earth is now known as the Marriana's trench.

In a place without geometry...

...life is pointless.

So "naked running" is going for a run without smartphones or earbuds!

I wish I knew this two hours ago

Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.

Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(

I don't have a single pair of underwear without holes in them

I mean... How else am I supposed to put them on?

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

What do you call a human without a brain?

A politician

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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick

2023 is a bad year to be a hot air balloon pilot without a radio.

credit to iBeej for this one!

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How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

What do you call a horse with the horn? A unicorn. What do you call a horse without the horn?

A eunuchorn.

Do you know anyone who will be alone without family or friends for Christmas?

Because I need to borrow some chairs.

Roy and Ernest went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.



They set themselves up on the edge of a clear...

what do you call John, Paul and George without Ringo?

The Beatless

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What do you call a cow without legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow masturbating?

Beef stroganoff. (technically cows can't masturbate)

What dou you call you german friend that tends to just get up and go home without telling anybody?

Up and Heimer.



I just came up with it and im not sorry.

What do you call a deer without any eyes?

No I-deer

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's...

What do you call a Magician without magic?

Ian

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

You can't spell pacifist without...

Long live 3PA. Long live Apollo!
P.S. Steve Huffman is a clown.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

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My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

What do you call a kitty without a tail?

A kittv.

What do you call a teacher without pupils?

Blind

If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission..

They should just call U2 and ask how they did it

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

You hear about the Italian kid born without any arms?

Poor kid never learned to talk.

My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.

Serves him right.

What do you call a woman without an ass?

Divorced

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

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Life without farms.

The teacher asked "What sound do pigs make?"

Little Tyrone stood up and said
"FREEZE MOTHA FUCKER!"

I guess there's not many farms in Detroit.

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

Someone just asked me how to say no without speaking

Smh

To everyone with covid, walking around without a mask on,

You people make me sick

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