A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

What do you call currency in space?

Starbucks.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane

and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the ...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

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A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

What's a Muslims favorite answer on a multiple choice exam?

D) Allah the above

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

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The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

I really believe that Allah is the one true god,

I mean the universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophi...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

It all

The title says it all.

Who is the quirkiest fictional character?

All For One

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

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My lifelong dream was to fuck a clown...

...I finally did IT

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

I have survived an attempted murder

It was all going so well until the police came

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

What's black, white and red all over?

The slowest zebra in a herd

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you te...

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used that to roll up his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

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What's black and white and read all over?

Aw crap, I don't think this joke works in text...

I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.

I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

A guy sits next to me on the train.

He pulls out a photo of his wife, and says, "Isn't she beautiful?!"

I replied, "Of course, but maybe you should see my girlfriend.

"Really? Is she a stunner?" he asked.

"No, she's an optician."

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

My garage was broken into and all of my limbo equipment was taken...

... I’m mean seriously, how low can you go?

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Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

My Xbox, PS4 and Switch all broke on the same day.

I'm inconsolable.

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

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This weekend I'm curing my masturbation addiction once and for all...

Either I'm going to beat it, or I'm going to beat it.

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These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their...

All languages travel at the speed of sound

Except Braille, which depends on how hard you throw the book.

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All my girlfriend Jen ever talks about is my penis.

If you don't believe me, just ask her yourself. Jenn'll tell ya.

I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.

And then it dawned on me.

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

My friend wants to sue the airport for losing all of his luggage.

I don't think he has a case.

There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about church, how's your day been?

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

All causes of death are...

...liver failure

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to...

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

All my passwords are protected

by amnesia.

I created a graph explaining all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

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What did shaggy say when scooby accused him of eating all his scooby snacks?

"wasn't me"

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

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All the vowels are having a masturbation contest.

They're trying to prove who would last the longest in bed, so they decide to start by seeing who can last the longest by themselves.

As they start, A finished within minutes, closely followed by O. Several more minutes pass, and U cant hold it any longer, climaxing. Y, deciding they didnt ide...

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it lo...

My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

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Y’know, imaginary numbers are all fun and games...

... until someone loses an i

Then shit gets real.

Guys, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank today, and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask!

I bought a Thesaurus, and when I got home I found that all of the pages were blank!

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

I told my wife to sell all the vacuums we have,

they are only collecting dust anyways...

I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

To all of my friends I am like a God.

They only remember me when they need help. Then forgets me again afterwards when I'm not needed.

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

Whenever it rains, my wife just sits at the window looking all sad

Maybe I should let her inside

I spilled all my vodka today

It was an Absolut loss

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

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My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pope decides to remove all of the jews from italy.

The jews, obviously, disagree with this; so the pope agrees to have a debate with a rabbi for if the jews should stay in italy or not. The jews vote and decide on an old, wise rabbi.

The time for the debate comes, and it dawns on them that they can't understand each other, so they decide to ...

I’ve been eating clocks all day.

Its really time consuming.

What's the favorite song of all australian dinosaurs?

TNT, cuz they're dino mate

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

I pulled an all-nighter watching a flamingo sleep...

It was outstanding all night.

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

I told my friend I was going to get a tattoo of all my friends when I turned 18.

He said "You're going to have a very small tattoo."

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town....

..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....

To all the people out there suffering from paranoia, keep strong and just remember

you're not alone.

How do you loose all your karma

Posting your opinion on r/Politics

When I was a child, a man came out of nowhere and stole all my money

Now that I'm a rich man, I went back in time to take all my money from me as a child so he can't steal it!

For all Bill Cosby's faults...

he did touch a lot of people.

I once connected all my watches together and used them as a belt...

It was a waist of time.

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

Why did the tellytubbies all use the bathroom at the same time?

They only have one Tinky Winky!

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

Clydesdales are the least trusted of all horses.

So says the most recent Gallop Poll.

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

I'm trying out this new all-sugar diet.

It's pretty sweet.

The old priest was sick off all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One day he said ‘If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit.’

Everyone liked the priest, so together they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had ‘fallen.’

This seemed to please the old priest and things went very well, until one da...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my girlfriend unwrapped the condom, all eyes were on her.

She suddenly stopped and stared at me. "What the fuck?" she shouted. "You call this a birthday present?"

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