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All Jokes

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.

It all.

The title says it all.

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , ...

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 1...

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

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You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

Praying mantises don't all follow the same religion.

They're in sects.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the law...

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

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10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
...

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

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Easily my favorite joke of all time: Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

...

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

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To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic

Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and sm...

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

Its funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mou...

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All of the passengers on a plane are seated and ready for takeoff.

The pilot and copilot are late, the passengers and crew are getting frustrated. A couple of minutes go by and suddenly the copilot boards and is wearing dark glasses while waving around a mobility cane. He clumsily makes his way to the copilots seat. The passengers feel uneasy. A couple more minutes...

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

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In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

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An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

and I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about it.

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs scream...

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN

You will get them VERY ANGRY

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

How do all black jokes begin?

With a look over your shoulder.

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.

On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"

The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I at...

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

.

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

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Wayne Gretzky is going down on his wife, she cums all over his face and says messy eh?

He looks up at her and says loudly no it’s me Wayne.

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The Dean of Women at an exclusive all girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said. “Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

A Senator spent all night with a hooker.

As he was leaving, the Senator put $2000 on her bedside table.

She said, “Thanks, but I only charge $200.”

“$200 for the whole night? How can you make a living on that?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she purred. “I do a little blackmail, too.”

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

All joking assad

Thing are getting pretty syrias

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I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

what's black, white, and red all over?

Rihanna's halftime show.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius..

But his brother Frank was a monster.

For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.

Three guys were walking down the street.

Two of them walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal...

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Who composes all these blonde jokes?

Brunettes do, during the lonely winter evenings.

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about

Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".

The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

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What do you call the cockpit if all of the pilots are female?

The box office

My friend had recently lost it all and started giving blows behind Wendy’s.

He come to me so excited after a couple days and said he’d made $300.50.

Puzzled, I asked him “who gave you .50?”

He replied, “They all did!”

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

To all those suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her a...

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Grammar makes all the difference...

Grammar makes the difference between "Help your uncle Jack off of the horse.", and "Help your uncle jack off the horse.".

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

All these people having threesomes, twosomes, and even the occasional foursomes

All I ever have are handsomes

Look, I'm all for coloring books...

but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

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