It all

The title says it all.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

A guy sits next to me on the train.

He pulls out a photo of his wife, and says, "Isn't she beautiful?!"

I replied, "Of course, but maybe you should see my girlfriend.

"Really? Is she a stunner?" he asked.

"No, she's an optician."

There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

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My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Heard this from a coworker

Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Blue all live on the same street.

Each morning, Mr. Red wakes up in his red room, in his red house, pulls the red covers off of his bed, puts on his red robe, opens his red door, goes down his red stairs to his red kitchen and gets his red b...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

I went to a costume party and the host asked me, "What are you?" I replied, "A harp!" Puzzled, he said, "Your costume's too small to be a harp!"

"Are you calling me a lyre?!"

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

They then call me ugly and poor.

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

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Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is 2 * 2 ?”

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, “3.99”

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”

The mathematician cogitates for a while...

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

It was Mike the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of ter...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

I've come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems...

... if I could just get the right people to try it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

i had it all

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. 


He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed.


I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym an...

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar...

And checks his clock.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.

But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"

So he asks the barman for a coffe...

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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

All the women I have slept with have one thing in common

They have incredibly low standards.

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Two Hillbillies Walk Into A Restaurant...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies loo...

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I guess all that phone sex has caught up to me in my old age,

I now have Hearing AIDS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Why do all hotdogs look alike?

Because they are in bread...

My therapist told me to write letters to all the people I hate and then burn them.

I don’t know what to do with all these letters now.

An antivaxx mom dies and goes to heaven. She notices that it was God himself walking to greet her, along with her two kids. They’re all smiling. Feeling real smug about herself,

She runs toward them but Is suddenly stopped by an invisible force.

As God and her two kids got nearer though, they stopped smiling and had a puzzled look on their faces. Suddenly, they burst out in joyful laughter, just as St. Peter materialises beside them all.

“Oh Pete, you really...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a litt...

My girlfriend and her family all say I'm paranoid.

At least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're all saying behind my back, whenever I'm not around.

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

On this international women’s day I would like to say to all women everywhere

Thank you for your cervix

All my life I thought air was free

Until I bought a bag of chips.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

Of all the things a man should never say while going down on a woman, the worst is probably:

"Tastes just like mom used to make it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

An Atheist, a Cross-fitter and a Vegan all walked into a bar...

....I knew because they told everyone in the place within the first five-minutes of arriving!

​

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

Why do all Russian Cosmonauts only drink black coffee?

Because in space, no one here use cream.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

Women say they want a man who is funny and spontaneous

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters.

A school shooting breaks out, the shooter kills every kid he sees for being cruel to him, all except one specific 12 year old boy.

I guess progeria has it’s ups.

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

Due to all the scandals, the Trump administration has decided to stop using emails.

They’ll use alternative fax.

Why do all german exchange students fail math?

Because nobody wants to see their final solution.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

In the beginning, man walked on all fours..then man met woman

and ever since, man has walked erect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar....

....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"

The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"

The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"

The man says "NO, I’m an asshole!"

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

To the person that stole all my anti-depressants...

I hope you’re happy now!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

....but his brother Frank was a monster...

What do Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and Spider-Man all have in common?

They’re more realistic than The Bachelor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep seeing these “virginity rocks” stickers and I don’t get all the hype

If they’re anything like kidney stones they must suck pretty fucking bad.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all running from these police officers.

They find a shack that has 3 potato sacks in it and decide to hide there in the sacks. The police officers find the shack and see the sacks.

They kick the first one with the brunette in it. She says "Meow, meow!". So they think it's a cat in there.

They move on and kick the second one ...

My brother used to throw pennies at me all the time

And that’s why I’m afraid of change

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya...

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

I watched all of Game of Thrones back to back with the girlfriend,

Fortunately I was the one facing the TV.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

For some reason, all my friends think I'm too patronizing

That means they think I talk to people like they're stupid.

My friend thinks he has the world figured out from all the time he spends cooking drugs in his kitchen.

But I think they're just crackpot theories.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen..

listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the ...

All the kids had a name

except

Who's the tidiest of all the sea creatures?

Personally I think it's the killer whales. They're the best at orca-nizing

Doctor: "All right, kid, how old are you?"

Boy: "Turning six next month!"
Doctor: "...and how very optimistic we are!"

Complex numbers are all fun and games...

Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real.

I went to the barbers and asked for a number 2 all over.

I've washed my hair 6 times since and still can't get the smell out.

God said that all men will find love in every corner of the Earth

Then he made the Earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

I went to this cool new restaurant in Vegas, the server woman came out nude with the menu painted all over her body.

She asked if I was ready to order, I said “ I know what I want, but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

I find all these obese jokes horrible.

Don't you think they have enough on their plate already?

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it

I think I managed to cover my tracks

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. P...

I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I had no words to describe how angry I was.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Kevin don't...

Why do all of the men who prefer their wives making sandwiches in the kitchen work outside in the shed?

Because they’re all tools.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is all your porn here disabled?

No it's regular porn you sick fuck.

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.

One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

Two reasons I don't give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol

2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all your beer on a camping trip?

Take two of them with you.

I don't get what's with all the hype about Samsung's new foldable phone.

Apple did it years ago with the iPhone 6.

My mailman tried telling me a joke but it wasn't all that funny.

He should work on his delivery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when ...

A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Nigerian all die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter: you each get to ask me one demand and if I can't make your demand come true, I will send you back to earth for a second chance. If I do make your demand, you're headed to the afterlife...

Scotsman: I want you to give me all the scotch whiskey in the world right now...

St. P...

How do you get a smokin' hot bod in no time at all?

Cremation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend spilled ice all over the floor

at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge

Liberace was great on the piano and all.

But crazy rumor had it that he sucked on the organ.

There were three sisters and all were wondering how they got their names

So the first one goes, “mommy, why is my name rose?” Mom says, “because a rose fell on your head when you were born” second sister says, “mommy, why is my name tiara?” Mom says, “because a tiara fell on your head when u were born”. The last sister goes, “BLAHWARADURGABAAAA!!” And the mom says, “shut...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Wall Street playboy has seen it all

Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”.

Why not, he thinks to himself before...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man had been drinking all night...

A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

You can make all the Linkin Park jokes you want...

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

Don’t be scared of dying. People die all the time.

You don’t hear them complaining about it.

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy with 3 testicles notice that all his friend only got 2 testicles...

So he quickly got back home and talk to his elder brother about this.

“I got a secret to tell you.” said the younger brother.

“What?” the older brother asks.

“If we add up our balls, we will have 5 balls.” says the young boy.

His brother then freak out and says: “What...

All my physical relationships are like past-tense verbs

They end with ED.

I'm taking all my savings and going to travel,

I estimate I'll be back tomorrow by midday...

My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.

Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.

What is black and white and red all over?

A nun with a hatchet in her head

I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications

Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.

What’s white and lies all the time?

A mattress.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really wanted to become a pornstar but I had heard that all the popular ones were circumcised.

I guess I just wasn’t cut out for it.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless