A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I now only have what I call “hallway” sex

We pass each other in the hallway,..fuck you!,..fuck you!

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't beca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

It all

The title says it all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM

Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

A guy sits next to me on the train.

He pulls out a photo of his wife, and says, "Isn't she beautiful?!"

I replied, "Of course, but maybe you should see my girlfriend.

"Really? Is she a stunner?" he asked.

"No, she's an optician."

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?

A chicken sees a salad.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7. But have you ever considered WHY 7 “8” 9?

It’s because you’re supposed to eat 3² meals a day.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley

I immediately jumped in to help.

He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN

You will get them VERY ANGRY

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

Jeff Bezos has announced that he will start paying a living wage

Or as his lawyer called it,"alimony."

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"


"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

One Finn

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and con...

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old l...

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

A man is driving down the road when he sees a Native American in a booth that says "Chief Remembers All"

So the guy pulls over and says "So, you really remember all?" And the indian says "How, stranger. Yes, I remember all" So the guy says "Ok, what did you eat for breakfast 10 years ago?"

The indian contemplates for a second, and confidently says "Eggs" so the guy says "Oh sure...How do I know ...

Heard this from a coworker

Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Blue all live on the same street.

Each morning, Mr. Red wakes up in his red room, in his red house, pulls the red covers off of his bed, puts on his red robe, opens his red door, goes down his red stairs to his red kitchen and gets his red b...

Them: "don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older"

Me "when I what? "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

Why are all rockstars circumcised?

Because they slept with a fan.

I went to a costume party and the host asked me, "What are you?" I replied, "A harp!" Puzzled, he said, "Your costume's too small to be a harp!"

"Are you calling me a lyre?!"

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

The only reason Avengers Endgame broke all those box office records

Is because Doctor Strange watched it 14.000.605 times

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

I just said "No comment" all the way through the police interview.

I didn't get the job.

I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.

It's syncing now.

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

They then call me ugly and poor.

All Mexicans are yes men

Si what I mean?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their...

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sexism isnt cool at all

Bitches hate that shit

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

Vodka isn't the answer to all of my problems..

But it's worth a shot

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as t...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there’s no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!”

Nine of the priests turn around and b...

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents **took the first man** to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The first man said, 'You c...

Why do doctor’s all use windows computers?

Every time they get near an apple it keeps them away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Hillbillies Walk Into A Restaurant...

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies loo...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

My wife always takes all my covers.

It's tiring, so I'm encouraging her to write her own songs for once.

Whats the most holy chord of all?

Gsus

Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during a dinner and all the other guests have to pretend nothing happened

Noble gases are supposed to have no reaction

Jesus asks a Christian, "What's up with all those crosses? Which part of my story makes you think I like crosses?"

The Christian replies: "I don't know, but you seem to be quite attached to them."

What do girls ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97 all have in common?

They're all in their prime.

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare...

Now, thanks to Reddit, we know this is not true.

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Incest is not all that bad.

As family really does cum first.

They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, no-one's laughing now!

Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."

He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

What do you call the leader of Russia when he has a cold?

Rasputin

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I can't believe after all the shit they're back together."

"Who?"

"My ass cheeks."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. 

The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. 

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. 

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my frie...

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

Have you all heard about the new Tetris movie?

It's getting delayed because every time they finish a line, it disappears.

The American President, the Russian President and the Chinese President are all riding in a chopper.

Suddenly, the American President, overcome with pride for his country, takes out a stack of bills from his pocket, and throws it out of the chopper, yelling, "My country has a lot of money!"

Seeing this, the Russian President takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it out, shouting, "My countr...

My wife and I decided that in our marriage, I would make all of the big decisions, and she would make all of the little ones.

Married 30 years. No big decisions yet.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

I can count on one hand, all of the times I’ve been to Chernobyl

14

[OC] Why did the guy take machining classes at the all female trade school?

He wanted to get lathed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Told my wife that there's a rumour going around that the mailman has slept with all the women in our street except one....

She replied, " Oh I bet it's that stuck up bitch from number 22 ".

All these antivaxxer jokes on Reddit are getting old

Unlike the children

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A daughter calls her mother and says "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex."

My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece. when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece.

Her mother says:

"You are married to a multi-millionaire. You live in a mansion. You drive a Ferrari. You get all the money. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jim was out drinking at the bar, when all of a sudden he pukes all over his shirt. "Dammit!" Jim yells "My wife is going to kill me when she finds out I was drinking and puked all over my self!"

"I have an idea" the man sitting next to him said "Here." and hands Jim a $50 bill.

"What's this for?" Jim asked.

"When you get home tonight, just tell your wife I threw up on you as you passed me on the street and I gave you the money for cleaning.".

"Great idea" Jim replies...

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

whats black white and red all over?

a badger in a blender

7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy

So Happy got out.

"Answer all my questions, or I'll cut off your legs at the knees," said my interrogator.

I did pretty well for a while, but eventually he stumped me.

Not all math puns are terrible.

Just sum.

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.

She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them.

An Indian tribe captured three men and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they don’t they’ll kill them. Tom comes back with 10 apples, and the tribe members told him to put all of them in his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him, after the second apple he screamed and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the bar one night and having a drink with lady that was in a wheelchair due to a car wreck that left her without her legs. Which didn’t bother me at all, she was stunning. She was a tiny little thing and very beautiful, we hit it off pretty quick. So we decided to go back to her place.

We got to her place and I got the wheel chair for her and lifted her little body out of the car and rolled her inside the house. Once inside we had a few more drinks and things started to heat up between the two of us. I took off her little shirt and her little bottoms she was wearing and she tells ...

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Europe look so sexy all of a sudden?

Because it has lost a few pounds.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

With all the spoilers going around please:

No one tell me what Rosebud means.

I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

Women say they want a man who is funny and spontaneous

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters.

We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar

But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

Three shapes are in a bar. The square says, "So then I said, It's all RIGHT!"

The triangle joins in and says, "Hah, what a weird tangent!"

The circle walks in and says, "Hey triangle, you are looking ACUTE!"

Triangle responds "Hi circle! Good to see you AROUND!"

They all share in laughter.

Circle asks "Is this why we have no friends?"

A fu...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

How would you feel if someone stole all of your organs

I would feel gutted

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.

“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”

“No” she sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

Why are all vampires bad people?

They can't really reflect on who they are.

The month of Ramadan starts tomorrow. To all the Redditors observing Ramadan,...

...Lunch is on me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk walks into a bar....

....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"

The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"

The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"

The man says "NO, I’m an asshole!"

I hate all of you

April fools I love you all

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar...

And checks his clock.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.

But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"

So he asks the barman for a coffe...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other about luck....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!




Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!



Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

My wife and kids always look through the window all sad and angry when it rains

Maybe I should let them in

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We are all masochists when we poop or have sex

It hurts at first but it feels great later

“How many digits of pi do you know?” - “All of them...

I just always forget the order!”

I think this is pretty well-known but people on this sub seem to like reposts so here y'all go:

Question on a university chemistry class midterm:

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\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their...

Why did NASA cancel the all-female spacewalk?

None of them would go outside the rocket wearing the same outfit.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

If you think heaven is gonna be boring remember that all your love ones and heroes are gonna be there

Like the guy who killed hitler a personal favourite of mine