Personally, I don't believe in hoes before bros or bros before hoes.

There must be balance you see. A homie-hoe-stasis if you will

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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, a...

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A father asks his 13year-old son what does he want to be when he grows up.

His son says "A pizza delivery guy or a plumber."



The dad says "Stop watching so much porn, son."

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

The doctor has given me two months to live.

I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

Everybody seems to like cats on Reddit.

Maybe it's because they sort by mew.

A man finds a mysterious ancient lamp...

The man dusts off the ancient lamp and out comes a genie!

The genie says to the man:

"you have awoken me from my slumber! I will grant you 3 wishes as a reward for finding me."

The man responds to the genie with great excitement

"Oh man thank you so much, I don't know whe...

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and s...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?

But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet.

pwn'd

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl:

"Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly ...

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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

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Mickey meets with his lawyer to discuss getting a divorce from Minnie

The lawyer looks over Mickey's requested divorce terms for the house no alimony.

"Mickey I just don't think you have a case you can't divorce Minnie just because she's a little odd"


Mickey turns to his lawyer and says "I didn't say she was odd I said she was fucking Goofy"*

...

How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

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Have you ever use Taco Bell hot sauce as anal lube?

I hear that shit's fire.

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

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After a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home.

After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. He leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on!...

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The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

Y'know, one would've been enough.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

I know a guy who's trying to be an independent taxi driver, but he keeps getting stiffed by his customers.

I mean, he drives randos all around town all day, and he has nothing to chauffeur it.

Apparently, 25% of people are below average in maths

I’m glad to be in the 73% that are good at maths

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I had no words to describe how angry I was.

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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

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Being happy is like pissing your pants

Haven’t experienced it since I was 8.

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

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Mickey Mouse is talking with his lawyer.

Lawyer: Im sorry Mickey I just dont think you can divorce Minnie simply because she is extremely silly.

Mickey: I never said she was extremely silly. I said she was fucking Goofy

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A duck walks into a pub....

..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

My friend died because we didn’t know his blood type.

He kept on saying “be positive” in the ambulance but it’s hard without him.

Do you like UPS jokes?

Because I don't care if you get it or not.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,

" give me a beer and a mop"

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

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My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish?

A couple of weeks.





(Source: h3h3 comments)

What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

Why is Reddit called Reddit?

You should know, you've seen this joke ten times before.

Why are girls frim Alabama not allowed to reverse-cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

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Have you ever been to a Native American orgy?

It's fucking intense.

Prom night.

This high school kid had a crush on the girl of his dreams, but she was dating someone. However! The pair broke up a month before prom, and he decided to make the move.
He didn’t ask her out on the first week because that would be too soon. And he got sick on the second week.
Week 3 he was a...

I used to be shallow and only go for 8's and 9's

But then my friend told me they should at least be 18

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mom loves Easter - it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem, Alan.

Why can't a pony sing?

Because it's voice is a little horse.

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

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I always thought that being woke up in the morning by a blowjob must be great

Until i slept on the bench in the park with my mouth opened.

Did you know John F Kennedy was called John Kennedy before he was shot?

Apparently, the F was added later to pay respects

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

Cancer is so easy to beat..

I’m already at stage 4

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

The Earth used to be flat...

...until they buried yo momma.

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What phrase can both be said during sex and at a minigolf course?

Off to the next hole!

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

But I turned myself around.

People who wear glasses must be really excited for next year.

It's the first time they'll see 2020.

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

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Why is Z the only letter in the alphabet you should be friends with?

Because all other letters are Nazis.

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What do you call a principal that used to be a prostitute?

The Head Master

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Which president do parrots like best?

Braaaaaaaaak Obama

What has a bunch of KKK’s and has been hated on for a long time, and will probably be hated until they’re all gone, unless they keep reproducing?

Kim. Khloe. Kourtney. Kris. Kanye. Kendall. Kylie.

We should be supporting anti-vaxxers

After all, they’re the best way to get rid of antivaxxers.

A hypochondriac’s fear

I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac but I worry a lot that I might be.

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk...

But I never got the chants!

r/electricians should be quarantined

It is a subreddit devoted to shocking content

If you ever rob a deaf person, be sure to break their hands.

Who're they gonna tell?

Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

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A good joke can be like a fart.

If you force it, it’s probably shit.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put ...

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.

The doorbell rings and the first date is there.

"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"

The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.

"Good evening, sir. My na...

If you sin 90 times you’ll only be caught 45 times

Because sin90=cot45

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

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Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

Caitlin Jenner Must Be Very Honest To Her Kids

She seems Transparent.

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

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Be careful with NASA’s toilet paper...

It will leave rings around your anus.

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend..

.. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

The Mongolians are afraid that the Queen will still be alive on the 21st April 2026.

Because then she'll be a Hun dread.

(original joke) What do you call a man who doesn't want to be seen?

A Paultergeist

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I left a message for the delivery driver telling him I'd be back in fifteen minutes.

I pulled into the driveway two hours later and he came racing up to me.

"Where the fuck have you been? I was waiting all day."

"Now you know how we feel."

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

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A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

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