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Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

Apparently, 25% of people are below average in maths

I’m glad to be in the 73% that are good at maths

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub....

..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I had no words to describe how angry I was.

What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

Do you like UPS jokes?

Because I don't care if you get it or not.

Why is Reddit called Reddit?

You should know, you've seen this joke ten times before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US....

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.  

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. H...

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

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Mickey Mouse is talking with his lawyer.

Lawyer: Im sorry Mickey I just dont think you can divorce Minnie simply because she is extremely silly.

Mickey: I never said she was extremely silly. I said she was fucking Goofy

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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

Y'know, one would've been enough.

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Have you ever been to a Native American orgy?

It's fucking intense.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

Why can't a pony sing?

Because it's voice is a little horse.

Prom night.

This high school kid had a crush on the girl of his dreams, but she was dating someone. However! The pair broke up a month before prom, and he decided to make the move.
He didn’t ask her out on the first week because that would be too soon. And he got sick on the second week.
Week 3 he was a...

Did you know John F Kennedy was called John Kennedy before he was shot?

Apparently, the F was added later to pay respects

Really stupid, long joke about fuzzy fish. I think?

Someone recently told me one of those jokes that has way too many details and ends in an anticlimactic thud. I wanted to return the favor but all I can semi-remember about this joke is that it was told from the prospective of a fisherman who caught a fuzzy fish. Every time he retold his story the fi...

Why are girls frim Alabama not allowed to reverse-cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being happy is like pissing your pants

Haven’t experienced it since I was 8.

A hypochondriac’s fear

I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac but I worry a lot that I might be.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Cancer is so easy to beat..

I’m already at stage 4

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mom loves Easter - it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem, Alan.

A guy walks into his wife's bedroom to see her cheating on him with his friend.

He immediately shouts " What's going on here?"

Wife replies "Umm....You got a friend in me?"

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.

The doorbell rings and the first date is there.

"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"

The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.

"Good evening, sir. My na...

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One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......

BAMM!! !! !!

... I'll fuck their boyfriends

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My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

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My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a sex change. We never saw her again.

She's transparent.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put ...

What is the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man. [NSFW] [Long]

So an old man in a care home looks quite sad.

An old woman notices this and asks

"why do you look so glum?"

He replies " well ever since my wife died no one has held my cock in a while, would you be able to?"

The woman agrees.

This goes on for a few weeks, untill ...

Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs

That'll be like comparing apples and oranges

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”

Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting...

...that Neymar is ready to roll.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Will glass coffins be a success???

Remains to be seen.

I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”

The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “Tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it’d be a foot.


~*Badum tss*~

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

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A guy walks into a bar...

and orders a rum and coke. The bartender tells they guy "coming right up" and reaches behind the bar, then places an apple in front of the guy. Confused the guy asks "what's this, an apple? I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says "trust me take a bite". Reluctently the guy takes a bite. To his...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless ma...

if you put a man in a place where the temperature is -273.15°C for a while, will he be alright?

Yeah, he will be 0K.

A single woman was checking out at the grocery store

She was buying a 1/2 dozen eggs, a pint of milk, an orange an apple and a bottle of wine. A man in the line behind her said “ I see you’re single” the woman was taken back by the statement but then quickly figured out what he was talking about, she said “You’re guessing that from my purchases aren’t...

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

Wish I could be ugly for just one day.

Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.

Set a fire for a man, he'll be warm for a night

Set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

Hey, it's working thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says:...

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person

You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

That’s a nice ham you’ve got there, it’d be a shame if someone...

Put it between and S and and E

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

I don't mean to be rude, but the SuperBowl was boring.

No offense.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

What sea creature would Hitler be?

Adolf-in.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

To be Frank

I'd have to change my name.

The most common name in Vietnam can be used as both a first and a last name

I guess for them, it’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

This might be hard for some people to digest...

Dairy.

A couple are in Moscow on Christmas Eve

A slight precipitation starts coming down and the couple starts arguing. The husband says, “look it’s raining” but the wife says, “no, that’s clearly snow”.

The arguing continues for a minute and then they decide to ask a local for help. They stop a man and ask his name and he replies, “Hello...

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

I wanted to be an astronaut but..

My parents told me sky is the limit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.

I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.

I used to be in the Resistance.

But I got so good at it that I started resisting them.

People always told my dad that his pride would be the death of him

and sure enough, he was eaten by his favorite lion just last Wednesday

My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet

Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...