My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have hired her!

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I used to be addicted to soap,

But I'm clean now

“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?

Because he was vaccinated

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

She told me that if I wanted to be her lover, I had to get with her friends.

Unfortunately, she was a Redditor.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

Babies shouldn't be delivered.

Livers are important.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WARNING THIS MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO RELIGIOUS PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING

Did Jesus die a virgin?
No he was nailed first.

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

To be or not to be a horse rider....

.....that is Equestrian

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.

My parents used to tell me that joke all the time.

Still remember it to this day.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

So, Hillary Clinton does a presentation at a high school to inform youngsters about politics and encourage them to be more politically active and engage in the civil process more.

After she’s done, she invites people to form a line behind a microphone to ask questions to her. One little fifth grader, called Kennith, steps up to the plate.

“What’s your name?” asks Hillary.

“Kennith,” replies the boy.

Hillary asks, “What’s your question, Kennith?”

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not sexist, because being sexist is wrong

and being wrong is for women

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the Cucumber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?

**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will I be OK doc?

"I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"

I don't do that astrology stuff doc.

"Me neither. My thermometer just broke"

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

I used to be a boy in a girls body

Then I came out of my mom

To be frank

I’d have to change my name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my dad might be gay.

Just not sure which one.

It's hard to be a bartender when you are shy

You always have to break the ice.

Whats it like to be married?

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Be honest, what is one Race you can’t stand? I’ll tell you mine...

The presidential Race, too much drama in politics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.”

Either way, he’s behind bars.

I've been lucky enough to be with several women in my life...

And I've learned that when you pleasure a woman, they are much like farts.

Some are too loud, some are near silent and, when you least expect it, you'll get a squirter.

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

Never be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parent's job.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

My first date told me to just be myself 100%

So I went home and started playing some Minecraft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Matter cannot be created or destroyed

nor can it be returned without a receipt.

How much space will be freed when British leave the EU?

1GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

Me asking a girl out be like: (NSFW)

Me: So you free tonight?

Her: What no I charge $20 an hour!

If Elon Musk was a country, what country would he be?

Mad at gas car.

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

Compared with smokers, people who vape seem to be ...

held in more esteam

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

I may not be the best boomer in the world...

But I am an OK boomer.

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

If my great-great-grandfather were still alive, he’d be one of the most famous people in the world...

...because he’d be like 180 years old by now!

If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a couple hours.

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump exposed himself to women, would that be sexual harrasment...

... or microagression?

I like my socks to be athiests.

That way I know they're not holy.

I always found the idea of Batman to be laughable.

But just in case, I shot the kid too.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what pokemon would Hitler be?

Gastly

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

One time I saw a kid being bullied by 4 kids so i decided to step in

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

I always wanted to be a lumber artisan

Everything about it seemed so appealing, the beauty of creating uniquely carved furniture, the wide variety and color to create from, even the manliness aspect from it. My parents were always against it and insisted I do something that was more reliable and practical. I started to realize they were ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why be a Muslim and die to get 72 virgins...

when you can be a Catholic priest and get 72 virgins now while you're alive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

Tequila may not be the answer.

But it's worth a shot.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

My friend was told that bungee jumping would be safe.

It turned out to be quite a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Being religious is dumb

Thank GOD Im atheist

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was going to make a joke about sculptures and breasts, but it I thought it would be lame...

Wooden tit?

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings

And now we have countries...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

You know I don't understand the deal with Americans and their hatred of the French and calling them surrender monkeys. I mean if it wasn't for the French we'd be speaking English right now.

Wait

How much deeper would the ocean be if

sponges didn’t live there?

Listen, the last thing I want to do here is be condescending

That means "to talk down to"

*(Credit: Bob Newhart)*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

A husband caught the flu and stayed home and was being taken care of by his wife. . .

Even though he was sick, it did his heart good to see how much his wife was devoted to him. Every time the mailman or a delivery man came up the walkway, she would run out and exclaim excitedly, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name.

(His)(panic)

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

A robot musician’s collection of instruments will never be complete.

They can never get any organs.

I saw a kid being beaten up by 2 other kids so I decided to help

No way that little brat can resist the three of us

A skeleton goes into a bar and the bartender asks,"What"ll it be Bones?"

The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL

No? Huh, you must be out of the loop.

Hey, did you hear about the guy stuck in a time paradox?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!

This will be for the Christmas period only

When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.


"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.
...

If a film series goes on long enough, there's bound to be a bad movie.

However, both of the godfather movies are amazing.

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

When Caroline was young, she said she wanted to be a comedian and everybody laughed at her.

Well, no one is laughing now.

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

It should be called massturbation

because we all do it.

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

If Optimus Prime were to write a memoir about his life, it would be an

autobotography

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

Doctor: you'll soon be at peace

Man: am I dying?

Doctor: no, your wife is

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

God told Jesus he had to die for ours sins and you’d be surprised at his reaction.

He became cross.

What would it be called if mass genocide were committed against Russians?

The alcoholocaust.

"Hey man, do you think it'd be possible to build two piers next to each other?"

"no way, that's a pair o' docks!"



No idea if that's been posted before, just came up in my head and I don't think I seen anyone else make it

Everybody wants to be like Santa

work one day of the year and spend the rest of the days judging people

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.