This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends bragged about who has more sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women”

Friend B said “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most hig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?

But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her closet.

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How do farmers party?

They turnip the beets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...

She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and s...

Bangity-Bangity (long)

A young man who had been raised to be deathly afraid of guns was drafted into the army. He was ordered to overcome his fear or face perpetual KP duty. So, he went to a hypnotist who convinced him he would never have to fire a gun. "Just point your finger and say, 'Bangity-Bangity.'"

When in b...

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

Apparently, 25% of people are below average in maths

I’m glad to be in the 73% that are good at maths

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish?

A couple of weeks.





(Source: h3h3 comments)

My friend died because we didn’t know his blood type.

He kept on saying “be positive” in the ambulance but it’s hard without him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home.

After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. He leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is talking with his lawyer.

Lawyer: Im sorry Mickey I just dont think you can divorce Minnie simply because she is extremely silly.

Mickey: I never said she was extremely silly. I said she was fucking Goofy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:

Y'know, one would've been enough.

I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I had no words to describe how angry I was.

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, begins with a C, has a U and an N in the middle, and ends with a T

COCONUT

My girlfriend broke up with me because I like Queen and she doesn't.

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being happy is like pissing your pants

Haven’t experienced it since I was 8.

Do you like UPS jokes?

Because I don't care if you get it or not.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US....

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.  

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. H...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub....

..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you...

Why is Reddit called Reddit?

You should know, you've seen this joke ten times before.

What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes.

He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you ever been to a Native American orgy?

It's fucking intense.

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

Why can't a pony sing?

Because it's voice is a little horse.

Why are girls frim Alabama not allowed to reverse-cowgirl?

Because you don't turn your back on family.

Prom night.

This high school kid had a crush on the girl of his dreams, but she was dating someone. However! The pair broke up a month before prom, and he decided to make the move.
He didn’t ask her out on the first week because that would be too soon. And he got sick on the second week.
Week 3 he was a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

Did you know John F Kennedy was called John Kennedy before he was shot?

Apparently, the F was added later to pay respects

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Because your mom loves Easter - it's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem, Alan.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

A hypochondriac’s fear

I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac but I worry a lot that I might be.

Cancer is so easy to beat..

I’m already at stage 4

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes

because there is no delivery.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

Really stupid, long joke about fuzzy fish. I think?

Someone recently told me one of those jokes that has way too many details and ends in an anticlimactic thud. I wanted to return the favor but all I can semi-remember about this joke is that it was told from the prospective of a fisherman who caught a fuzzy fish. Every time he retold his story the fi...

A Priest, a Politician, and an Engineer are set to be executed by guillotine during the French Revolution.

The Executioner brings the Priest up first. He ask him if he'd like to lie facing down or facing up for his death. He responds that he would like to be facing up, so he can see the heavens while he's going to God. So the Executioner lays the Priest down in the guillotine facing up. He then releases ...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

What's scarier than finding out that you have been in a simulation this whole time?

That you can only talk about it with people who always think you're joking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.

"I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo'ed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probabl...

Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

A farmer has three daughters...

...who are all getting ready for dates that evening.

The doorbell rings and the first date is there.

"Hi there, sir. I'm Larry, I'm here for Mary. Gonna take her for ice cream topped with a cherry"

The farmer let's them go. The second date comes.

"Good evening, sir. My na...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' come...

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

I used to be addicted to soap

But I am clean now

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches?

Because then it would be a foot.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......

BAMM!! !! !!

... I'll fuck their boyfriends

A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Richard: I want to be a doctor!
Tommy: I want to be a firefighter!
Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!

The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.

Jamal: Help people.

Teacher: What kind of help?

Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

I told my wife that she had to be more honest with me

So she stopped moaning

Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs

That'll be like comparing apples and oranges

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

There may not be an I in ’team’

But there’s 2 in ‘Stupid’

What is the difference between an old bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he l...

Brazil is playing tomorrow and I'm betting...

...that Neymar is ready to roll.

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.

Because sin90 = cot45.

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt

I like my women to be like Jesus

Getting nailed in three places.

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said that she wanted to be a comedian.

Nobody is laughing now...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man. [NSFW] [Long]

So an old man in a care home looks quite sad.

An old woman notices this and asks

"why do you look so glum?"

He replies " well ever since my wife died no one has held my cock in a while, would you be able to?"

The woman agrees.

This goes on for a few weeks, untill ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married..

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

Alabama is the best place to be from!

Since it means you currently aren’t there.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Dr Dre may not be a real medic but...

...he's performed hundreds of hip hop orations.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

and orders a rum and coke. The bartender tells they guy "coming right up" and reaches behind the bar, then places an apple in front of the guy. Confused the guy asks "what's this, an apple? I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says "trust me take a bite". Reluctently the guy takes a bite. To his...

If a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes she will.

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it

Have you been forced to walk 500 miles? Then forced to walk 500 more? You may be entitled to compensation!

Call the Pro Claimers now!

I remember when two Thai girls flirted with me, they asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right...

We had six matching balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Surprise sex is a an awesome way to be woken up.

Unless you’re in prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stevie Wonder's playing an intimate gig in a little Japanese club. Before he starts he asks for any requests.

A little Japanese man at the front jumps up and down shouting "Pray a Jazz Chord! Pray a Jazz Chord!"

Impressed by the little man's knowledge of his musical history and prowess, Stevie and the band crack into a 5 minute Jazz extravaganza in F#.

As they finish the little man is stil...

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