I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff. A mystical diety approaches them.

"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.

The first man, being power hungry, wished to be a lion, king of the jungle. He jumps off and screams "Lion!" And becomes one at the b...

Windows might be better than Walls.

But we won't know until Bill Gates become President

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

This might not be the right place to ask but does anyone know where I can practice being dominant in bed with this girl I met?

Sorry, I'm new to this sub.

I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today’s job market.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

This might be hard for some people to digest...

Dairy.

I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

The priest's bicycle was stolen and he thought someone in the congregation might have done it.

So the next Sunday he preached on the commandment "Thou shalt not steal," and then he noticed the next commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery", and then he remembered where he left his bicycle.

Where might one find the mitochondria?

Incel

Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

I think I might have internet addiction.

I just finished Reddit.

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Doctor said I might die because I ate clay.

I am shitting bricks to be honest.

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

You might think that I’m smart because I have an A in math

But I’m pretty dumb because I have a D in your mom

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

I think I might have a slight drinking problem...

My friend asked me to toast some bread... I got up, raised my glass and said: "Here's to the Bread"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I might become a physics teacher to get laid...

I always hear people going into Physics exams saying "I'm so fucked"

My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor.

I think I've got the shakes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.

It runs in my jeans.

you might think babies are delivered by storks

but fat babies require cranes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my new girlfriend might be a slut. When I asked her if she preferred being on top or on the bottom during sex, she replied...

"In the middle."

We need a wall right now. There is a crazed horde of savages at the southern border just waiting to stomp our country flat. They are murderers and rapists and terrorists! And some might be good people.

Canada really needs a wall right now.

You might be a redneck..

..if you happen to be a french nobleman in the 1790s.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Help. I think my boyfriend might be gay

What do you guys think: He keeps asking me if I want a blowjob.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Despite what you might think, poop jokes aren't actually my favorite kind of joke

But they are a solid number two.

This might be a little racist

but I prefer the 1k over the mile.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

I think I might be a polygamist ...

... My wife has multiple personality disorder.

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

Anyone excited for the Aquaman movie? It might be my favorite sequel ever.

The Waterboy was hilarious.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

##

## But he wouldn’t.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help.

Me: I went to a farm today.

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that.

Me: \*opens coat\* this cock.

This time he might get his luggage at his home.

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Haku: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket. 
Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your laugage.
Haku: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red su...

Heard this joke from my friend 8 years ago, might even be OC.

Two raviolis got married, on their wedding night, they checked into their hotel room, and the candles were lit and the mood was set, as they kissed the happy couple were interrupted by a knock on the door, the groom went to see who it was. It was some last-minute well-wishers congratulating them on ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think I might be butt-ugly...

Today, my proctologist stuck their finger in my mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most creatures on earth are carbon based, but you might be made of Einsteinium

You dense motherfucker.

Communism might sound good on paper ...

... unless you’re reading a history book.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis might only be 6 inches

But it smells like a foot

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

Why might a French Archeologist be interested in how old an NBA star is?

They might be studying LeBron’s age.

Johnny might seem like he isn't good anything

But incest is where he really comes into his own

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Ok I might need a little help, I have been trying to make a girl

But I must be doing something wrong. I just keep ending up with a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous.

The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

They might deny pouring glue on my weapons...

But I'm sticking to my guns.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m holding a party for people who might not be able to reach orgasm and you’re invited...

If you can’t come, let me know

As skeptical as you might be about hydroponics

It’s a growing industry.

Don’t ask too many true/false questions. People might think you’re harassin’

Or boolean.

Sorry i haven't been posting OC to reddit recently, my internet has been pretty bad and then i heard that refreshing the page might help

Apparently a pint of water wasn't the refreshment that my computer needed.

Sleeping with the bartender might not always get you a free drink

But it’s worth a shot

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have my suspicions my vet might be gay..

I can tell just from looking at him he's seen a cockatoo.

Looks like Trump might leave the G7...

giving the other members a reason to fly like a G6

Post Malone might be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

What did Paul Manafort say after hearing Trump might get impeached?

I beg your pardon?

I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

It might be rare but I know this really friendly and non-provocative vegan.

She has never had a beef with anyone!

My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life...

Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

​

He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I might not be a surgeon

but I'll take a stab at it.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a great opportunity!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully sli...

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my crippled neighbor might be gay.

I am not sure if I should call him a fruit or a vegetable

[NSFW] I know that it is your first time, so try to relax. Be open. Let me know if it hurts. It might bleed and that's totally fine. Let me know if you want me to pull it out. And above all...

...trust your dentist.

You might be a redneck if

You might be a redneck if you have a peeing for distance contest at your family reunions and Grandma always wins.

This one might be a stretch

Which Star Trek character do cleaners hate the most?

Mister Spock








Missed a spot... yah. :'(

You know you might have a drinking problem...

When you go to the doctor and he informs you that they found traces of blood in your alcohol stream

"I'm afraid your son might never walk again, madam."

"Oh my God, doctor! Is he paralyzed?"

"No, just really lazy."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said “Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my family might be racist

I bought my black girlfriend over to meet them, and my wife wouldn't even talk to her

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

what's the most hilarious thing a spoiled brat might say?

No I'm not

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud" <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I might not have the nicest penis in the world

But we’ve been through some shit together

I might have an open casket funeral...

Remains to be seen.

Millions of years ago there was a dinosaur empowerment movement called "dino-might."

It blew up over night.

I think Russians might have hacked me...

Edit: I not been hacked. Motherland no do such thing. Have good day comrade