Never kiss a bird

You might end up with chripes. Which is a canareal disease, that isn't tweetable.

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NSFW my dick might not be 12 inches

But it smells like a foot

The ceiling might not be my favourite part of the room...

...but it’s up there!

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you.

But I can see where you are coming from.

Might start using conjunctions more confusingly...

Maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

There’s a nudist convention on in town tonight, I think I might go

I’ve got nothing on

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

Didn't Want To Do This, But Might Be Obligated To Do So.

Wow!! It's been raining where we are for 3 days and all my mother-in-law is doing, is staring through the window. If it goes on like this, I'll probably have to let her in!

I think my dad might be the avatar...

He vanished when I needed him most.

I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason Anne's Franks hasn't been very popular with the target audience.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

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I think my priest might be gay

He keeps saying “ah, men” at the end of every prayer

I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic

What? Why are you expecting a “but”?

I got an email that said If I eat too much canned meat, I might die..

Its Spam!

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

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I think my bathroom might be traumatized....

I don’t know, it just looks like my toilet has seen some shit

My friend is a picky eater, and I think it might prove that he's racist.

I mean, it can't be coincidence that he only eats white people, right?

Bought a pair of new shoes the other day - clerk said they might be a bit tight the first couple of days.

That’s fine I said - I’m not gonna wear them until Friday.

I think I might be a Kleptomaniac.....

Should I take something to control it?

It has come to my attention that there might be something in need of adressing.

mysalad.

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I think i might be asexual...

...because i just don't give a fuck.

I thought the bar I entered might be a bit rough when the doorman asked if I had any weapons on me...

I said I didn't, so he gave me a few to choose.

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

I went to the doctor fearing I might be losing my hearing.

Good news! The doctor didn't have anything bad to say.

He didn't have anything good to say either.

Come to think of it, he didn't have anything to say at all.

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

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Today, my therapist told me that I might have Multiple Personality Disorder.

I said, “Doctor, you must be talking to the wrong guy.”

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

My dim witted friend thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the one’.

But after looking through her dresser drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maids outfit and a police woman uniform, he finally decided.....if she can't hold down a job she's not for him..

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff. A mystical diety approaches them.

"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.

The first man, being power hungry, wished to be a lion, king of the jungle. He jumps off and screams "Lion!" And becomes one at the b...

Some of y’all might have a stay-at-home mom

But I have a stay-at-the-store dad

This might not be the right place to ask but does anyone know where I can practice being dominant in bed with this girl I met?

Sorry, I'm new to this sub.

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

This might be hard for some people to digest...

Dairy.

Windows might be better than Walls.

But we won't know until Bill Gates become President

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

The priest's bicycle was stolen and he thought someone in the congregation might have done it.

So the next Sunday he preached on the commandment "Thou shalt not steal," and then he noticed the next commandment "Thou shalt not commit adultery", and then he remembered where he left his bicycle.

You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

I might decide to invest in Velcro

but I heard it’s a rip off.

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I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including ...

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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

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They say watching porn might affect my IQ.

Ha, screw it, I don’t even have that Apple product.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

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My Doctor said I might die because I ate clay.

I am shitting bricks to be honest.

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

I think I might have internet addiction.

I just finished Reddit.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

I saw my sister sobbing in her room, worried that her Philosophy degree might be worthless in today’s job market.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

Me: “Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.”

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

I think I might have a slight drinking problem...

My friend asked me to toast some bread... I got up, raised my glass and said: "Here's to the Bread"

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

Where might one find the mitochondria?

Incel

You might think that I’m smart because I have an A in math

But I’m pretty dumb because I have a D in your mom

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(Boyfriend) Hey babe, I was in a terrible accident at work...Denise drove me to the hospital and the doctors said I might lose my right leg.

(Girlfriend) Who the fuck is Denise?

This might be a bit late but still

So there is a transfer girl from Alabama who transferred to my school and after a while we get pretty close and she comes up to me and tells me I am like the brother she never had. Most people see this as a shut down but remember she’s from Alabama

My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.

It runs in my jeans.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

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If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

My weight-gain parcels have just arrived and I'm feeling really jittery. I might have to go and see a doctor.

I think I've got the shakes.

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Help. I think my boyfriend might be gay

What do you guys think: He keeps asking me if I want a blowjob.

you might think babies are delivered by storks

but fat babies require cranes

This might be a little racist

but I prefer the 1k over the mile.

You might be a redneck..

..if you happen to be a french nobleman in the 1790s.

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

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I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

##

## But he wouldn’t.

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

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Despite what you might think, poop jokes aren't actually my favorite kind of joke

But they are a solid number two.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

Communism might sound good on paper ...

... unless you’re reading a history book.

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I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

This time he might get his luggage at his home.

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Haku: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket. 
Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your laugage.
Haku: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red su...

String theory might be the answer to everything...

...but then again, it might knot.

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

My son's teacher called and said my son might be the next Jesus

because they crucified him on the playground

I said: well give it three days

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

Anyone excited for the Aquaman movie? It might be my favorite sequel ever.

The Waterboy was hilarious.

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

Heard this joke from my friend 8 years ago, might even be OC.

Two raviolis got married, on their wedding night, they checked into their hotel room, and the candles were lit and the mood was set, as they kissed the happy couple were interrupted by a knock on the door, the groom went to see who it was. It was some last-minute well-wishers congratulating them on ...

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We need a wall right now. There is a crazed horde of savages at the southern border just waiting to stomp our country flat. They are murderers and rapists and terrorists! And some might be good people.

Canada really needs a wall right now.

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help.

Me: I went to a farm today.

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that.

Me: \*opens coat\* this cock.

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

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I think I might be butt-ugly...

Today, my proctologist stuck their finger in my mouth.

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

Why might a French Archeologist be interested in how old an NBA star is?

They might be studying LeBron’s age.

Ok I might need a little help, I have been trying to make a girl

But I must be doing something wrong. I just keep ending up with a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch

They might deny pouring glue on my weapons...

But I'm sticking to my guns.

Johnny might seem like he isn't good anything

But incest is where he really comes into his own

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous.

The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

Post Malone might be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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I’m holding a party for people who might not be able to reach orgasm and you’re invited...

If you can’t come, let me know

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life...

Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.

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People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

As skeptical as you might be about hydroponics

It’s a growing industry.

Sorry i haven't been posting OC to reddit recently, my internet has been pretty bad and then i heard that refreshing the page might help

Apparently a pint of water wasn't the refreshment that my computer needed.

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I have my suspicions my vet might be gay..

I can tell just from looking at him he's seen a cockatoo.

Looks like Trump might leave the G7...

giving the other members a reason to fly like a G6

Sleeping with the bartender might not always get you a free drink

But it’s worth a shot

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

I think my boss might actually be Thanos in disguise

Today, he snapped his fingers and half my weekend disappeared.

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.

For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.

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