UPJOKE
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Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

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My penis might not be 12 inches

But it sure smells like a foot

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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

What might you catch an ABBA-obsessed assassin doing?

Halving the time of your life.

My dad said 'Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't.

So i went in and he was right.





I saw my dad.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

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I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.

Become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Yo mama might have covid.

She has no taste, nobody wants to be around her, and she really should put on a mask.

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

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A kiss might make her day.

But anal will make her hole weak.

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

I think my son might be non-binary

He won’t give me a yes or no answer.

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I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

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I think my dad might be gay.

Just not sure which one.

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

My doctor said I might have a stroke at any time.

Boy are my arms tired

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

This might sound so cheesy

but I think you are really grate.

Dogs might be “man’s best friend”…

…but cats won’t show the cops where your drugs are.

I think my cholesterol might be too high,

A mosquito bit me, grabbed it's little chest and keeled over.

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...

I think my neighbor might be stalking me.

She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night

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Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

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My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there.

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

Everybody keeps telling me I might have aphantasia

But I don't see it

Why some of us might drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
" Hello ?"


Is your daddy home?" he asked
" Yes ,"
<...

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

I might be paranoid about The CIA

Or maybe that's the drugs they're putting in my coffee

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Ma...

the recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.

Totally unrelated topic - anybody know a good dentist?

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

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I told Mom she might be a hoarder.

She said, "Let's save this conversation for another time."

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I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said “Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

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little long, but might be worth it

There once was a lady who was hearing impaired, A man had asked her to go canoeing on the river. As they were on the river they get to the fork and the man says " do you wanna go up or down " ? She exclaims !!! "OH My" pulls down her pants and they proceed to get it on. The next day he again asks if...

Laugh all you might but

the most watched sports in the World involves kicking, handling and slamming balls

You might not agree with or even believe the claims of the Canadian prime minister

It's Trudau.

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On the outside I might appear to be an emotionless, sarcastic piece of shit

But like an onion, when you peel back the layers you find more of the same shit and start to cry.

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I'm beginning to think my girlfriend might be homophobic...

She reacted *very poorly* last night when I came out to her...

I suspect my daughter might enjoy alphabet pasta...

but I don't want to put words in her mouth.

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

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I think my wife might have died...

The sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up.

When life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.

There should be a sub for stolen jokes.

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Some people might say my house is messy...

I call it organically booby-trapped.

Prison might just be one word to you...

But to some people, it's a long sentence.

You can use Twitter to keep up to date with Ross Kemp but you might not enjoy other people’s tweets afterwards because…

It’s a hard actor follow

You might be a redneck....

....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Me: "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer: "On what grounds?" Me: "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer:"Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"

Me: "No, she's looking for me."

Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

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I love getting my back scratched! I might like it more than getting a blowjob...

Maybe it's because I can't scratch my own back.

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An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?"

The patient said "Yes I'm ready"

The dentist said "I slept with your wife"

Might start using conjunctions more confusingly...

Maybe I won’t, maybe I’ll.

My cows started grazing on the hidden marijuana patch. I might have to cull the herd.

The steaks have never been higher.

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An Old Jewish Joke (you might have heard it)

Hitler goes to see a fortune teller with a burning question. He enters her shop and sits before her.

"Fortune teller I have a question... when will I die?"

The fortune teller stares right at him and says without hesitation "You will die on a Jewish holiday"

Offended Hitler glare...

Jesus requested a pitcher of water so that he might turn it into wine

Peter said "Lord, why can't you buy a round like everyone else?"

I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...

For some reason Anne's Franks hasn't been very popular with the target audience.

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insomnia might hit hard but

I wanna get fucked harder than my sleep schedule

Some days it just feels like I might have nothing better to do than talk to a hole in the ground.

Oh well.

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

I might be fat but I identify as skinny

I’m trans-slender

Cleaning mirrors for a living might not pay much

But it's definitely something I could see myself doing

My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.

It runs in my jeans.

*MIGHT BE OFFENSIVE* Why do women fart less than men?

Because they don't keep their mouth shut long enough for the gas to build up.

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

Reading it one time might be not enough.

-"Hello, are you there?"
-"Yes, who are you please?"
-"I'm Watt"
-"What's your name?"
-"Watt's my name."
-"Yes, what's your name?"
-"My name is John Watt"
-"John what?"
-"Yes. Are you Jones?"
-"No, I'm Knott"
-"Will you tell me your name then?"
...

I think I might need new glasses

I saw a cute girl at the mall far away from me so I went to her to ask for her number.

When I got close, he was uglier than I expected.

I think I might be allergic to alcohol

I keep breaking out in handcuffs.

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A guy told me I'm weird and asked for my deets to pass on to a therapist who might be able to straighten me out. I said "No thanks....

....I prefer to remain anomalous."

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous

Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

You might be a redneck if...

You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches

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Might be a repost idk.

A man asked a nun on the bus if they could have sex. The nun, disgusted, said no and got off. Then the bus driver said that the nun prays in the graveyard at midnight every Wednesday. So he goes there, and to his surprise, the nun says yes but only anal as she wants to keep her virginity. After they...

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I'm 17 and I like to write jokes in my spare time. Thought reddit might like to hear some.

I think blonde jokes are awful. I mean, the poor things don't even understand them.

So I got this pair of shoes that cost me an arm and a leg. Luckily, my mom still pays for everything.

Statistics have shown that 9 out of 11 people are offended by this joke.

I've yet to be dispr...

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

My son might have a drinking problem

He is up all hours of the night harassing everybody in the household until he gets his fix.
He doesn't stop until he's completely passed out. There's no talking to him,
he either completely ignores you or just mumbles on incoherently.
And this has been going on three months now; si...

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Reddit might be my soul mate

What else gives you good info, jokes, porn, and friendship?

Schrodinger's khakis are in a box. They might be ironed or, they might not. Either way...

... It's a pair o' Dock's

e, pi and i might be different

But e, with the power of pi and i is absolutely 1! #mathcanbefunny

This joke MIGHT fly over some of y'alls heads.

I asked my pet cat what's two minus two. He said nothing.

Two generations from now your grandkids might scrutinize this era and ask "really, grandpa? you really did that to the environment? Didn't you even recycle anything, come on???

Then with a grim expression on your face you scowl

"Fool, I was on reddit! I recycled everything at least 3000 times"

Reddit might be a toxic cesspool full of degenerates and racists...

But at least there is free cake.

My problem might need addressing...

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

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A man thinks his wife might be going deaf.....

A man thinks his wife might be going deaf so he asks his doctor for advice. The doctor tells him to see how extensive it is by asking her what is for dinner at a loud volume when he enters the house. He simply needs to walk slightly closer each time he says it to see at what range she can still hear...

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.

Gildford from 13 th century

Nicolas Cage might be crazy

But you gotta admit, the man is a national treasure

This joke might be too old for you guys, but anyway: "You hear that Rock Hudson didn't have too many friends..

..but he had Nabors up the ass!"

I might as well call my ex newspaper

Because there's always a new issue every day.

You might be a redneck if...

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

I think I might be an alcoholic.

Everytime I get happy I just get this sudden urge to take ibuprofen and chug water.

I saw an electrician accidentally electrocuting himself today; you might say he was...

killed.

I think my wife might be a segregationist.

She gets REALLY mad when I mix the whites and colors together.

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I think my priest might be gay

He keeps saying “ah, men” at the end of every prayer

You might say this whole Covid thing is...

...nothing to sneeze at

(Just thought of that this morning, not sure if it's been done)

My life might be an economic failure

But at least I’m closer to $100 billion than Jeff Bezos

I'm afraid my wife might be a vampire.

She like to stay out all night, all of her guy friends invite her over before she can visit them and she always seems genuinely concerned when I try to stab her with a wooden stake.

You Might Be An Accountant If

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

your idea of trashing your hot...

Halloween might be the safest day in this pandemic....

Americans will finally be wearing masks

I think I might be a polygamist.

My wife has multiple personality disorder.

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I'm a bit concerned as I think my wife might actually be dead.

I mean, the sex is still the same but the dishes are starting to pile up.

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

I might be a Sagittarius

But my mom says I’m a cancer to the family

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

What’s a fairly common work duty that everyone seems to hate, but a pimp might enjoy having?

Doing Inventory.

Communism might sound good on paper ...

... unless you’re reading a history book.

This might be a little racist

but I prefer the 1k over the mile.

I might take my glasses off...

seeing in 2020 has kinda sucked so far.

Mechanics might disagree, but...

...eyedrops are technically blinker fluid.

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Some people might think that penis and testes are the same.

But there is a vas deferens between them.

I think my parents might be meth heads.

The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

I think that ultra-violet light might have Asperger's.

Its definitely on the spectrum.

I might have left it too long before cutting the grass

I keep getting attacked by small animals, and my dog won't listen to me until I show him 5 badges

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because

I just got laid last night.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

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It might be a repost and badly written but my dad just told this to me and I thought it was too good to not share

Patrick and Mick worked at a factory and one day Patrick cut his arm off in a sawmill so mick put the arm in a plastic bag and took him to the hospital.

The next day mick rings up the doctor to ask how Patrick's doing.

The doctor says "he's just exercising in rehab"

Shocked, mi...

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