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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!"

I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.

It’s okay not to know what prefix means.

It’s not the end of the word.

No means no.

-page 47 of my Spanish to English dictionary

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

I’d like to say thanks to the person who taught me the meaning of the word “many”

It really means a lot

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The word bukkake in Japanese means;

Female student debt relief.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one-up on one of history’s greatest scientific genuises

Because I’m not dead.

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You know how when your ears are burning, it means someone is talking about you?

Well if your dick is burning, that means someone is having sexual thoughts about you *winks*

Wait, that's not true?

Shit, in that case I'd better go see the doctor.

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

I don't know what "procrastinate" means.

I think I'll look it up later.

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S. Holmes: Do you know what constipated means Watson?

Watson: No shit, Sherlock?

(Credit: Mark Normand)

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

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If "hakuna matata" means no worrys

Does that mean "hakuna makaka" means no shit?

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck.

So, I canceled my order of dumplings.

This is my 5th cake day which means

My reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be

Asked my neighbour if he would help me find out what DIY means.

He said "Do it yourself".

Unhelpful prick.

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If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.

If foursome mean four people, threesome means three people

What does handsome mean

Never date a girl that plays tennis

They may be athletic, but love means nothing to them.

My wife told me that I don't understand what irony means.

It was especially ironic because we were at the bus stop.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...



preposterous

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OnlyFans is banning porn but not nudity...

Which means someone will have to evaluate each and every account with naked women in it and come to a decision.

Sounds like tedious and boring work... where do I sign up?

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistres...

A Bridge Too Far

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime ...

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At some point in life being good in bed means..

You dont snore, you dont steal the covers and you let your partner sleep in.

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive".

I think it's unreasonable.

Never marry a tennis player...

...because love means nothing to them.

---

Good luck to everyone at the US Open!

What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse?

Talk.

I hate it when jokes are condescending

“Condescending” is a word that means to talk down to someone.

I grew up in an interesting home...

My father was Irish and my mother is German. That means that every once in a while they would get drunk and try to take over the world.

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Do you know, what does "to be good in bed" means?

Well, it depends.

Before the marriage: You have endurance, you know what to do and you can bring the most desirable pleasure.

After the marriage: You don't snore, you don't fart and you don't steal the whole blanket.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

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