I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

I asked what LGBTQ means and I've been getting lots of answers but here lies the problem

I couldn't get a straight answer

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Being a man means never celebrating International Men’s Day.

Because every year we forget what day it is. Just like we forget what day our anniversary is.

I’ll tell you what quid pro quo means...

But you have to give me something first.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

If you're hotter than me, then that means

I'm cooler than you.

One of my next-door neighbors is a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every single morning at 9 a.m. he knocks on my door and he asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9 a.m.

I have to explain to a 90-year-old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now, I’ve thought about moving. I’ve thought about not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it just to see the smile on his face.

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

When Mike Tyson says he means bithneth

He means business

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If a big car means you have a little dick, and big shoes mean you have a big dick

What does that say about clowns?

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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

It’s okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

You've heard that communism is seizing the means of production, but have you heard of cummunism?

It's when you seize the means of reproduction.

I just made this up and I'm drunk, so by all means, make it better.

A new moon walks into a bar. Says "Bartender, whatever. It's all futile."
Bartender says, "Why the dark mood?"
Moon says, "It's probably just a phase."

Ching Chong actually means something in Chinese!

It means you're racist

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

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It just struck me that in British slang the US President's surname means "Fart" and in US slang the British prime minister's surname means "Penis"



I can't wait to tell the wife. She'll laugh her Merkel off.

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At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends

At age 17, success means having a driver's licence

At age 25, success means having sex

At age 35, success means having money

At age 45, success means having money

At age 55, success means having sex

At age 65, success ...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

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A single sperm cell has 37.5 MB of DNA information on it. That means that an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

Pregnancy means...

"Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.

“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.

“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”

“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

I keep asking people what LGBT means...

I can't get a straight answer.

27 times I've asked my son what "insane" means.

He still doesn't know.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

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If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.

As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one up on one of history's greatest scientists

Because I'm not dead.

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

Teacher: Do you know what estimate means

Student: Not exactly.

Teacher: Yes you are right.

Student: About what:

Teacher: Also correct.

Student: I guess...

Teacher: Indeed.






I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO END IT OFF I'M SORRY

Today I finally learnt what 'Chronology' means.

It's about time.

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

Found the moron that doesn't know what "thou" means.

It's obviously you.

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

A man is at his best friend's funeral

He steps up to the microphone. All fall silent. He says only "Plethora" and sits back down.

The widow pats his shoulder and says, "Thanks. That means a lot".

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Never fall in love with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while I tried to learn the meaning of "many"

It means "a lot"

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You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

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