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Did Jokes

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

What did Texans use for heat before the advent of firewood?

Electricity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing. They're both stuck up c*nts.

What did the 0 say to the ten?

Thanks for reading my joke.

How did communists light their homes before candles?

with light bulbs

How did the trans guy come out to his parents?

“There’s something that I really need to get off of my chest”

What did Charizard say when he saw Pikachu

Charizard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the sad life of a penis?

His whole family is nuts, his nextdoor neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him………

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From my wife: Why did God create orgasms?

So women have something to moan about, even when they're happy.

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

How did 10 die?

because it was in the middle of 9 11.

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
.
.
.
.
.
"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

Why did Eminem kneel at the half time show?

His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

Why did the console player cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

Why Did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!' I felt so special. She asked me out for lu...

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?

You suck a mean dick

Why did the boomer cross the street?

To show how it's done.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong socks this morning.

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight?

[removed]

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the semen cross the road?

I wore the wrong socks this morning



*Edit: Not my joke but haven't seen it here and thought it was funny :)*

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Did you hear about the guy who was dyslexic and gay?

He’s still in Daniel

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of b shells

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector

They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

Why did the conjoined twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.

Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the horny frog say?

Rubbit.

What did Yoda tell Anakin after sleeping with Padame behind his back?

May divorce be with you

My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"

Because he ate too many cowleries.

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

Did Johnny Depp just win the defamation case or was it…

misheard?

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

why did a child cross the road?

cause he didnt wear his seatbelt

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

How did the hacker get away from the police?

He ransomware.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

Why did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X?

So the remaining users could spell it.

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They're both stuck up bitches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car accident?

Some dick cut her off.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Wel...

What did the librarian say to the child?

**Read More**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyónce

How did the foot fetishist cheat on his girlfriend?

He got off on the wrong foot.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

What did the food critic say after tasting the Body of Christ?

Very savioury.

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

How did Elon Musk celebrate 420?

With SpaceX going up in smoke.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?

He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.

A joke from my 8 year old......Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty
11+11=twenty too

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...

Ground breaking.

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

Why did Barbie never have kids?

Because Ken comes in another box.

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

Why did the photo go to jail?

Indecent exposure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar have for lunch?

Five guys..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.


(Too soon?)

How did the Alabama redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

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