Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Why did the chicken cross the road?







To take a photo in front of a church.

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?

There was nothing left but de brie

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I’ve won, but at what cost?

If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little knotsies

Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

Why did 10 have PSTD

Cause he was in the middle of 9 11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?

Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?

If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.


URGENTLY!

Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?

Because she went to woo Han.

why did stalin only write in lower case?

he was afraid of capitalism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?

Because he didn’t planet well.

I wonder what my parents did before the internet

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either

This ones for the kids: What did the bee say to the flower?

Hey bud!

what did the white woman say to the other white woman who confused jay-z for lil wayne?

thats ludacris

Why did Bilbo Baggins die with an erection?

Old hobbits die hard.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

How did the trees feel when winter was finally over

Releafed

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?

To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

Did you hear about the guy that was shot with the starter pistol ?

I guess it was race related !

Did you know diarrhea is heridetary?

It runs in your jeans.

Why did Adele cross the road ?

To say hello from the other side

Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging.

They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil.

What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner's on me.

How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?

His hand caught fire

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

(As told to me by my seven year old)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole? He said ‘two in the pink and one in the stink’ is favoritism”, and the other one replied:

“They hate us cuz they anus”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support around here, people are gonna think we’re nuts!

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s a pita parka.

What did Caesar say after he left the brothel?

Veni, Veni, Veni.

Trump did make one thing about America great again!

The depression.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

Why did the blonde throw her iPad into the ocean?

So she could get it to sync!

What did the sushi roll say to the bee?

“Wassah Bee!”

Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

What did the calculator say to his friend?

"You can count on me!"

Just kidding. Calculators can't talk.

Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone?

They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated?

It came out of nowhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the Asshole's house

Knock, Knock.
(Who's there?)
"It's the Chicken"

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Hurricane say to the Coconut tree?

"Better hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't gonna be an ordinary blowjob."

What did Elon Musk say to Grimes before they made X Æ A-12?

i 1 2 ½ 6

What did the melon say when her boyfriend proposed?

Yes, but we cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the guy who married his apartment?

It’s a complex relationship

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An woman was taking a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Dave. "Dave! Dave!” she yelled. Dave came running in. "Dave, I've fuckin’ suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Holy shit!" he said and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Steve"

They came back and they both trie...

Why did the boomer have a no coins policy in his store?

He couldn’t tolerate change.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NAOMI: Did you know that my name backwards is ‘I MOAN’? That’s just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: You can just fuck off with your silly games.

What did the referee do when the touchdown was made?

# lol

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Pinocchio die?

He was masturbating and unintentionally set himself ablaze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who died from a Viagra overdose?

Yeah I heard they couldn't even close the casket.

What did x æ a-12 got when he was given a lithium iron battery, to reboot himself?

Li-Fe

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Well, he finally woke up (credit: a friend)

What did the drummer call his two daughters

Anna 1 Anna 2

My 8-year-old’s newest joke: What did the one-legged man with OCD say when he opened the closet?

“Hi, jean!”

What did the egg say after smoking a joint?

Omlit

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Why did Ireland run out of potatoes during the Irish potato famine?

They discovered they could make alcohol out of them

What did they call the dog that only barked in deep, gutteral borks?

Subwoofer

Did you hear about the Cop who arrested an innocent Iceberg because he thought it looked like the one that sunk the Titanic?

He was fired for Glacial Profiling.

Did you hear about the Middle Eastern fight?

Some call it fake, but I think the fight Israel.

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”

The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

3 objects were talking, a sharpener, a pencil and a ball. The ball was saying that the pencil wasn't sharp. The pencil retorted that he was very sharp. What did the sharpener say?

"No, no, he's got a point."

Downvote me all you want guys

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out for a walk?

The father tomato looks back and sees his child way behind him, he runs back to him, stomps on him and yells "KETCHUP!"
Update:

it may be morbid, but that is the life cycle for these tomatos.

What did communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

Did you hear about the Middle-Eastern balet?

It was very Arab-esque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Japanese comedian who wanted to be a soldier?

His jokes didn't land

Why did the ketchup blush?

He saw the salad dressing.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office

They get really annoyed

What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?

The seal of approval.

Did you hear about the guy who made up the knock knock joke?

He won a "no bell" prize

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

He couldn’t see that well

Did you hear what happened to the Italian chef? He pasta way.

Looks like he ran out of thyme

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hitler win every political race?

Because he's the fascist

Why did Marx only drink green tea?

Because all proper tea is theft

Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actual...

What did the bra say to the hat?

“I got these two!! You go on ahead!”

Did you know vampires aren’t real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

Did you know there used to be a cat on Mars?

Yeah, till Curiosity killed it.

Why did the scarecrow win a noble prize?

He was outstanding in his field

What did Tennessee?

I don’t know, but it was the same thing Arkansas.

Did u hear the joke about the cure for covid19?

It's a riot

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

Did you hear about the gamer who commit suicide while playing?

It was a first-person shooter.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pornstar say thank you?

Because she was well-cummed.

What did P say to R?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

What did Darth Vader say when the record store employee told him they were out of George Michael albums?

I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing.

How did the cop kill the KKK member?

By suicide

What did the car say to the garage?

Can I come in you?

Did you hear that Eve died?

Humans were gone, reduced to Adams

Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

How did the octopus tickle a man ten times?

With it's tentacles.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was “Bach, Bach, Bach...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I did meth and masturbation for one year, but now I'm clean.

Just washed my hands.

How did the poultry farmer become wealthy?

He sold all his chicken stock

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the blind man who had a premature ejaculation?

He never saw it coming

What did the shoes say to the pants?

Sup britches?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m a special education teacher. We do a joke of the day. A student made this up and told the class: What did the 2 say to the 4?

You’re a cunt.

Still cracks me up whenever I think about riz

What did 50 do when he was hungry?

58

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Lorena Bobbitt’s road rage incident?

Some dick cut her off.

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

My roommate has been stealing my stuff recently. I did a good job at ignoring it, until he stole the only drinking utensil I had left.

I finally snapped and yelled “That’s the last straw!”

Why did the cat get divorced?

Because he was a cheetah!

Did you hear about the farmer who named his male calf Terry?

It was a Terry bull name.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?

They say the business is toast.

Why did the duck get arrested?

Cuz he got caught selling quack.

Why did we leap from 2k to 4k resolution?

Because 3k is racist.

What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor ?

Make me one with everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby whale : "Dad, where did I come from?"

Dad whale: "You came from my penis, son"

Baby whale : "Ok cool. Thanks, Dad"

Dad whale : "You're whale cum"

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head while I give these two a lift!

(Sorry if you've heard this one before. It made me chuckle.)

What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet?

“Supplies!”

Why did the communist kill all of the civilians in the town square, regardless of their social class?

Because he was an expert Marxman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Amish prostitute?

She had 2 Mennonite

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks!

Did you hear about that Dwarf psychic that just escaped from prison?

He’s a small medium at large.

Did you guys hear the joke about the high wall

It's hilarious,
I'm still trying to get over it!!

What did the sum say to the plus sign?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny.

(Joke by my six-year-old daughter)

Why did the Mexican take his wife to the top of a cliff?

Tequila

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did hitler kill himself?

Because the gas bill was too high

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

Edit: Wow! This blew up and thanks for the Gold kind strangers!!

What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college

Bison

Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested?

He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?



Wiped.

My roommate is 2 days younger than me

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

Did you hear about the identical twin police officers?

They were copies.

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