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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get some support soon people will think that we're nuts!

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

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Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?

It was a pane in the ass.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?

To keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

What kind of workouts did Jesus do?

Cross-fit

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks (please don't hurt me)

What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

How did Beethoven rent out his house?

He put it up Fur Elise

Why did Ben Shapiro go on a diet?

To destroy the lbs.

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....

What did Pete Townsend say when Roger Daltrey told him that he'd lost his favorite old lime-colored belt?

"Relax. It's only a green, aged, waistband."

What did the carpenter say after he walked in on his boss with the secretary?

I saw too much!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Have a good afternoon!

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e: "Why did you marry me?" My wife: "Because you are so funny". Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"

My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"

Did you hear what Emma Watson's new pronouns are?

(Her, My & He)

What did...

...the world famous drummer name his daughters?



>!Anna 1, Anna 2!<

Why did the emu lose all his friends when he grew a few feet taller?

Because he was ostrich sized.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the ...

Did you hear about the priest who went mad and poisoned the wine at church?

He was tried for mass murder

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?

She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

Why did the farmer cross the road?

To get his chicken back.


(Credit goes to my little sister. Did this one when she was eight. She's a legend.)

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'

Why did the energizer bunny go to jail

He was charged with battery

Why did Joe Rogan take ivermectin?

To prove the neigh sayers wrong.

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What did the horny hen say?

Any cock’ll doodle do!!

*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

EDIT 4:HOLY CRAP THANKS FOR THE ARGENTIUM!!!

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

What did Kris Jenner say to Caitlin Jenner when they split up ?

.. you're not the man I fell in love with !

What did the Zombie say to the Jock Bullying the Nerd?

Don't Touch my Food!

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What did one bloody tampon say to the other bloody tampon?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

Because it got hit by the first koala.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Because he thought it was a game and joined in!

Mom: What did you do at school today?

Me: We did a guessing game

Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.

Me: That's right!

Did you hear of the mathematician who’s terrified of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them

What did the Disney Pimp say to his girls?

Hi hoe, hi hoe, it’s off to work you go

How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention?

Au

Why did Draco Malfoy's funeral service take place outside?

Because he hated grief indoors.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

Why did Satan build a gym in Hell?

To exercise the demons

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Did you hear about the guy with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

what did the shark said when he ate the clownfish

this tastes a bit funny

Did you know that Yoda had a last name?

It was Layheehoo

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?

Pretty good.

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When did the Japanese start making eggs?

A long tamago

Did you hear about the rock that faced his greatest fear?

He is now a little boulder.

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

What did 50 cent do when he was hungry?

58

Did you know

Did you know ,

Jack the Ripper and

Whinnie the pooh

Both have the same middle names

Coincidence

What did the chemist say to his gf when they broke up?

If you were an atom you would have 67 protons

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de brie.

What did the crooner sing after hearing about the extinction of goats?

"There will never be another ewe."

(yes, it's a groaner, but i'm willing to bear the embarrassment because I made up the joke myself!)

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?

She wanted to see the task manager.

Why did the hippie die out at sea?

Because he was too far out man.

Why did the spoon agree with the knife?

Because the knife actually had a point.

Q: Why did the chicken lick the toad?

A: To get to the other side.

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.

- Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

Why did the chicken listen to The Doors?

To break on through to the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that Viagra can be used as a sleep aid?

I took one before bed last night and slept hard.

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

What did the American say to the German urinating in public?

European illegally!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire

Why did the Catholic chef sanitize his crucifix while preparing Sunday brunch?

To prevent cross-contamination.

Mama, how did I get my name?

(USA-centric)

"Mama, how did I get my name?"

"Why do you need to know, Loquinda?"

"It's for my homework."

"Well, I was staying at a LaQuinta Inn the night you were conceived. So I just rearranged the letters a bit to make a pretty name."

"Oh. That's cool. How did m...

What did the policeman say to his torso?

I've got you under a vest!

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

Why did Bill Cosby get hit with contempt of court?

He was accused of quaaluding with the jury.

Me to my horse: "Did you steal my thesaurus?"

Horse: "No."

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I put on the wrong sock today

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?

Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Did you know seagulls die after sex

Well the one I just fucked did

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pornstar say when he called in sick? (NSFW)

Sorry, boss, I can't come today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you read in the paper about Lorena Bobbit getting badly injured in a car crash up in Boston?

Apparently some dick cut her off.

Did you know you can discharge all four states of matter out of your ass?

Just eat Taco Bell to discharge plasma.

Why did the mathematician go to the strip club?

He was trying to find the x.

What did the Detective say to the Puppeteer when he was investigating a murder?

*did you have a hand in this?*

Did you guys hear about the horse that only ate hay from a church?

Apparently it could only be a Christian Bale.

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[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy who hired a.....

...... male prostitute to fuck him in the ear?

He got hearing AIDS

Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

Why did the Irish woman only put 239 beans in her stew?

Because just one more would be too farty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

What did the Black death say to Coronavirus?

Well Plagued!

Why did the Alabama girl take the tide pod challenge?

To wash her family's extra large load.

Why did the nun get kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

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A wife strips naked in front of her husband and says, "when I did this 30 years ago, what did you think?"

He replies, I was thinking I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

She asks "And what are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a good job."

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Why did the Banana seek therapy?

He went _Bananas_ after he and his girl _split_. He just wasn’t _peeling_ himself. He was _berry_ sad.

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

What did the elephant say when a man was walking naked ?

How do you drink with that small trunk?

What did Offspring of Groot said to him

I am Fruit!

What did Scar tell Simba when he was getting chased by the stampede?

Move fassa'

What did the skimmed milk say to the cream?

You can make me whole again

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My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I mumbled, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

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Did you guys hear about the new taliban inflatable sex dolls?

They blow themselves up!!!!

What did the anti-vax kid wanna grow up to be?

Alive

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

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"I didn't have sex with my wife until after we were married. Did you?"

"I don't know. What's her maiden name?"

Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

The second hand store.

Did you hear about the square that got into an accident?

Now it’s a wrecked-angle

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

Why did the man quit his job at the donut factory?

He was fed up with the hole business.

Did you hear that Elon Musk is planning to buy the entire island of Madagascar?

He’s planning to rename it Madaelectriccar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit.

Why did God create women?

Because hopes and dreams don't crush themselves.

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

What did the 8 say when he got beheaded?

Nothing, twice.

What did the Detroit Lions fan say when they won the super bowl?

“Why, why did you wake me up? I was having such a nice dream!”

Where did I take a cow on a date?

To the moooovies.

Why did nobody go on a date with Avogadro?

Because his number was too long

Did hear about the math teacher who took off all her clothes and went swimming in a lake?

She came out with an algae-bra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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What did the ancient Egyptians wipe their butts with?

Poopyrus.

What did the Mountaineer name his son?

Cliff

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Why did the smiley emoji :-) drop the nose :) ???

It was too negative.

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

How much Spanish did the cow know?

Muuuuucho!

Did you know that politicians pay almost nothing for their funerals?

It's an old morticians secret. You just give them an enema and put them in a shoe box.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

*“Supplies!”*

Why did the astronaut throw away his vegetarian burger?

He wanted something *meteor*.

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Arkhives

What did the doctor say to the terminally ill Power Ranger?

It's morphine time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story of Captain Richard, who smuggled potatoes across the Atlantic?

He ran a Dick-tater-ship

A frog did one of those ancestry tests.

She found out she was a little English, a little French and a tad Pole.

Did you hear about the first restaurant on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

I just did 10 pull ups this morning

These jeans are tighter than I remember

Why did the farmer start a rock band?

Because he was tired of haulin oats

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

How did the introverted teenager introduce himself to his crush?

He didn't

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?

It was charged with battery.

What did the Afghans get when too many of them were counting?

The tally ban.

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

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Did you hear about the mime who was arrested for masturbating in public?

The police thought he'd put up a fight, but he came quietly.

What did Herb say when Rosemary knocked at the door?

Cumin

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What tests did they do when they created Tickle Me Elmo?

Testicles

What did the cannibals eat in Tokyo?

Rawmen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?

He was half nuts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was intense.

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

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