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Sure Jokes

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'...

"Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?"

Yoda replies: "off course we are"

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

Ordered Jack and Coke. Bartender asked if Pepsi was ok. I said sure

So he made me a Pepsi and Coke

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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

Are we sure the first person to discover CPR...

Wasn't just a very surprised necrophiliac?

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but.

atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

Not too sure I got the job....

Interview I had for a job:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Interpreting semantics of a question,
but ignoring the pragmatics."
"Could you give an example?"
"Yes, I could."

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I went to a prostitute and asked her if I could do her Greek style. "Sure" she said

So I fucked her in the ass and left without paying.

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

A deaf girl asked me if I wanted to hear a joke. I said “sure!”

She said “me too”.

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A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

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Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

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I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.

On the upside, it’s buttered.

On the downside, it isn’t.

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

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Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said “you sure?”. He nodded yes…

Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I’m like “what happened?!” He repeated his order “ I want 4 tea 2 coffee” …

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

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Make sure to poop before midnight on 31st December.

You don't want to hold on to previous year's shit.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

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joke I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been posted (new to reddit)

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Ph...

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was...

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

I'm not sure what confused the mailman more...

the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...

I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Sure, Bob Barker may have died at 99 years old...

...but Betty White was closer to 100 without going over, so... She wins.

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP.....

Sure Wish I Could

On a blistering hot day, two men are walking down the street
They encounter a dog on its back, licking its crotch.
After watching a bit, one guy says, "Sure wish I could do that."
His pal replies, "Go ahead, but first make friends with the dog."

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

I am sure this has been posted before...

In a bar, an attractive woman calls the bartender over and asks to speak to the manager.

He explains that the manager is not in this evening but he will be happy to help her.

The woman leans across the bar and pulls the bartender in close, running her fingers through his hair.

"...

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I’m pretty sure my neighbour doesn’t watch porn…

I’ve been over here 2 hours and am still doing dishes.

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

Now that r/funny is going dark we now know for sure...

that this is no laughing matter!

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

Before you say "Tesla" backwards, make sure everyone's ready.

All set?

I’m sure we all know Cunningham’s Law:

It’s that pigs are more clever than we give them credit for

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her...

and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom.
...

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

As I walked through a quarry…I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock”

He looked at it and said “Boulder”.

So I said, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!”

Make sure you pay full price for a circumcision.

You wouldn't want to get ripped off.

How can you know for sure whether someone is really vaccinated?

Ask them who won the election.

I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like...

But I'm sure the mass will be the same.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

I surely hope Death is a woman

That way it never comes for me.

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

Sure, I could agree with you....

Buy why should we BOTH be wrong?

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

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I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

I'm not sure about the current US government

Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..

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I'm pretty sure my neighbor doesn't watch porn.

I've been at her house for two hours, and I'm still fixing the sink.

I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

I am not sure if my friend is lying about him scaling the top of Mount Everest.

I think…… he made it up.

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

Sure, I drink brake fluid.

But I can stop anytime.

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

I saw a woman waving at me yesterday, but I wasn’t too sure.

Anyways, onto more tragic news, I lost my job as a lifeguard.

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

Man, balloons sure are getting expensive…

…I guess that’s inflation for ya.

Not sure what "HD" is..

But the doctor just called and said I got 80 of them.

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

That CIA surveillance leak sure is scary

I hope my Roomba doesn't start gathering dirt on me

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is mad at me. She was rubbing my shoulders but started poking me with needles.

I was getting mixed massages.

Not sure if this has been posted before

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s...

Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.

Not sure why r/Jokes doesn't have a flair called "Original Joke"

But now that I think about it, it's obvious.

I'm not sure from which country is that happy soda...

... but it seems to be a merry can.

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I asked the person at the bookstore if they have that new book for men who have a very small penis. She said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I said, "Yeah, that's the one."

Not sure if you knew this, but if you rearrange the letters in LGBTQ...

Somebody will probably get offended...

Sure, the Death Star was expensive.

But Vader's suit cost him an arm and a leg.

Captain, are u sure we're sailing to Italy?

-Of course.
-But the compass is upside down.
-Off course.

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I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

Pretty sure my girlfriend has covid

A symptom is a lack of taste

Barbie sure has a lot of nice things

For a woman who’s knees don’t bend

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

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Are you sure?

So a man dies and is sent to hell.

When he gets there the devil says "hey you know what? I'm in a good mood today so I'll let you pick your eternity here from these 3 doors"

The man says ok and opens the first door.

Behind door #1 was a lion eating a man alive, every time the li...

I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work,

but it's worth a shot.

How do you make sure World War III never happens?

You sell the rights to Valve.

I sure hope Roy Moore wins today

Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.

What's the best way to make sure the Italian entry wins a Broadway Trophy?

Rigatoni

I'm Sure He'll Call Back.

PHONE: Ring... Ring...

ME: Hello.

CALLER: Hello. I am Annensor Rasheel from PC Tech Savers. We have detected a problem on your computer.

ME: Oh, thank you. You called just in time. My computer caught fire and I threw a glass of water on it to put it out.

Also in my ex...

I’m not sure how fast the average horse can run

I think I should conduct a gallop poll.

My girlfriend wasn't sure if she liked her new hairstyle.

I told her to sleep on it.

Genuinely happened today. Was pretty proud of myself.

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing...

...either the car is new or the wife is.

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I'm pretty sure Jesus was Italian

Because only an Italian mother could think her son was a god.
And only an Italian son could think his mother was a virgin.

I’m pretty sure my local corner shop is a money laundering front.

I’ve been in there about 1000 times and not once have I seen a corner for sale.

“Are you sure you’re not sick?” she asked me

After a few minutes of coughing, I looked her in the eye and said “I’m positive!”

If you ever meet a chemist, make sure to tell him all your life's problems.

He'll have a solution for sure.

I'm not sure why all the fuss about Prince Andrew

It seems to be a pretty minor affair...

I always make sure to knock on the fridge before opening

Just in case there is a salad dressing

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I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation….

….until I saw a dragon and fucking shit myself.

I'll get em for sure

Someone stole my Microsoft office, and they will pay, you have my Word.

Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize

A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"

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I’m pretty sure Achilles was gay

He couldn’t leave Patroclus’ behind

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Amber Heard’s lawyer sure is having a hard time in this trial…

He really shit the bed with this one.

Sure you're just sledding now

But sledding is a gateway to other things.
Soon you'll be tobogganing.
And snow-tubing.
And snowboarding.
And skiing.

It's a slippery slope.

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

They always wonder if looks could could kill, well my looks sure did

They killed my chances of ever getting laid.

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

Never been sure what breed my dog is

She’s kind of squatty with floppy ears. When we have supper she begs for our plates and bowls to lick then naps in the den.

Unless we have chili. Then she stays by the stove guarding the pot of chili.

Pretty sure she’s a chili dog.

My wife wasn't sure about getting a pet werewolf at first

But she's since taken a real lycan to him.

I wasn't sure about having a beard.

But now its really starting to grow on me.

Me: You know, since it doesn't have a tail, I'm pretty sure it is actually a hamster.

IT: Okay sir. Please right-click your hamster, and save the file.

I'm sure my wife liked the new refrigerator that I bought her for Christmas.

When she opened it her face lit up!

I’m not so sure about this daylight savings time thing

I give it six months

I met conjoined twins and I'm not sure which one I like more.

They're neck and neck.

I’m not sure if I should go to the funeral tomorrow

Remains to be seen.

Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help i've used too much'.

I pretty sure I just came up with this an original joke ...

A man venting to a couple who he is friends with at their local hangout about his wife, "She called me a misogynistic pig."
The couple who is listening, both look at each other before the female asks, "and how do you feel about what she said?"
He thinks about for a moment and says, "Ehh, she ...

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

I said to my wife the next generation is doomed for sure.

She asked why I was so sure about it.

I replied because we are the ones who would be giving them advice when we are old.

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Not sure what you will find

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.


Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman ...

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Not sure if this goes here or /r/racism...

A black woman walks into the human resource department to apply for welfare. The woman at the office asks the black woman how many kids she has. The black woman replies, "Eight." The woman at the office says, "Well, what are their names?" The black woman replies, "Lionel." The woman at the office sa...

Well, life sure has its ups and downs...

...and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs.

They say sitting all day is the new smoking, so I make sure to get up and walk outside each hour

They don’t let me take smoke breaks indoors anyway

I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

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