This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

Me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000? Her: sure ..

Me: K

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im not sure how I feel about masturbation

I mean, on the one hand it’s pretty great

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go.

Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

A guy is cooking up some corn on the cob and he's not too sure how long it cooks for

So he plays it by ear.

When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the whole joke.

Because it’s really difficult to tell them a part.

Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

I've never been sure how to feel about my interracial background

Honestly I'm a little mixed.

Next time you make dinner rolls, be sure and get some clay and make a model of it. Give it a name, and you will always find it useful in your time of need!

After all, it is important to have a roll model.



\-my grandpa

My wife just started a job as a doctor. She told me she wasn't sure how the hospital's "On-Call" system ...

... so I told her she should ask an oncologist.

I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?

Yes, why?

Are you really sure?

Yes, of course you are a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, your dad is a polar bear, your grand parents are polar bears, you are a polar bear?

Definitely?

Yes! You were in the coca cola advert and the...

The Hapsburgs sure had an impressive empire...

But they have faces only a cousin could love.

Girl, are you gasoline, cause you are premium, but I'm not sure you're worth it.

Also volatile and explosive, and likely to burn my house down

I’m sure you know what a 69 is, but do you know what a *6.9* is?

A good thing ruined by a *period*

At first I wasn't sure about my beard

But it grew on me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"

–Good Will Hunting (1997)

It sure is hard to cut the top off of a redwood tree

You can't take any short cuts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.

“Any day,” she replied, “on any day which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

Sure, we can do something about climate change now....

But if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist; we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

Why were the police so sure it was the morgue handing out bodies every night?

It was literally a dead giveaway.

I’m not sure why I lost my job as a CIA interrogator.

Didn’t think to ask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband to wife: “I’m not sure why, but every time I look at myself naked in the mirror I get a massive erection”

Wife to husband: “It’s because you’re a cunt”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you sure?

So a man dies and is sent to hell.

When he gets there the devil says "hey you know what? I'm in a good mood today so I'll let you pick your eternity here from these 3 doors"

The man says ok and opens the first door.

Behind door #1 was a lion eating a man alive, every time the li...

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

If you ever have dinner with a urologist, make sure you spend as much or more money on the food as he does.

They always prefer to split the deferens.

“Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”

Yoda: Off course we are.

Irish Joke #76331

Why does an Irishman wear three condoms?






















To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!

This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can b...

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

I can't see an end. I have no control, and I don't see any escape. I"m not even sure I have a home anymore....

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me once if I’ve ever peed in the shower. I said “For sure, hasn’t everyone?” She replied “No wtf, that’s gross. What’s wrong with you?”

I replied “Well, these things tend to happen when you’re taking a shit...”

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course ...

I'm sure you've heard of Murphy's law. But have you ever heard of Cole's law?

It's thinly sliced cabbage.

I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night.

I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play.

My deaf sister asked me if I wanted to hear a joke

I said: Sure.

She said: Me too!

A guy and a girl are walking through the woods when the girl says, “boy, these woods sure are creepy!!”

The guy replies.. “tell me about it, I gotta walk out of here alone!”

My girlfriend is a sniper. I'm pretty sure she loves me. You know how I know?

She said she missed me

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said:

Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

after a vasectomy, make sure to ice your nuts

it makes a vas deferens.

Im pretty sure a deaf person has a crush on me

Shes giving me all the right signs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet then rub up and down...

Then rinse it one last time and that's
how you clean a cup.

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

I came here to do two things: argue about science, and make sure my children don't get vaccinated.

And I'm all out of children...

I'm not sure what confused the mailman more...

the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Dad: Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only an idiot is always 100% sure about everything.

Son: Dad, are you sure?

Dad: Absolutely.

Not sure why but I suddenly came over sleepy the other day

Turns out dwarves don't like that kind of thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an appointment with a premature ejaculation support group tomorrow. I wasn't sure what I should wear.

They said just come in your pants

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

I wasn't sure if my friend was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

...but then I caught him red-handed.

America is sure having some bad luck these days.

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women gets shot 3 times while pregnant...

They immediately rush her to the hospital and find out she is pregnant for triplets, two girls and one boy. Miraculously she and her babies survive but the doctor says bullets are embedded in the triplets and they might not survive the surgery to remove it. Doctor assures the mother that the babies ...

I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us right now

He’s not dead, just really condescending

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

My wife asked me to stop singing "Im a believer", I was sure she was joking...

but then I saw her face

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist said I need to stop quoting shows so much, not sure why, but

That’s what she said

I can trace most of my problems back to my parents...I'm not sure if they hugged me too much, or too little when I was a kid.

Either way, they should have been wearing clothes.

I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

I'm not sure how I feel about this rash on my neck.

But it's starting to grow on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Cosby sure loved pudding.

Pudding his dick where it didn’t belong.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out my neighbour's 3 favourite films

* 10,000,000 Explosions

* Army Guys Yelling at Each Other

* Subwoofer: The Movie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m not sure what I like about unemployed Japanese people.

I just think they’re NEET.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."

Sure was cold at the Super Bowl last night.

Thankfully there was no Brees though.

Me: It sure is muggy outside.

My wife: I swear to God, if I look outside and see all of our mugs on the lawn I'm divorcing you.

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

Verizon claims they wants to make sure first responders can get the call to help people.

That is, if they pay enough.

My son and I went camping yesterday, when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match."

I'm pretty sure my dad's favorite animal was a buffalo...

Because the last word he ever said to me was "Bison."

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Ok my 4 year old came up with this one, not sure he really understands how clever it is though... Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?

He wanted to eat some chicken.

Not sure about this new job offer for prosthetics sales representatives...

I don’t want to be involved in arms dealing.

I’m not sure whether putting up Christmas lights would offend my Hindu neighbors.

So to make sure, I hung a giant banner saying “YOU WORSHIP FALSE GODS!” on my window.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.