UPJOKE
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Does Jokes

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

What does going down on an old woman taste like?

Depends.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

How does an alchemist get his wife off?

Elixir

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it takes a shitload of lightbulbs.

Whats does /s mean?

And please, no sarcasm in the answers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

What does my wife and the Titan submarine have in common?

The banging stopped.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

how many alziemers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

to get to the other side

What sound does a Turkey make?

"coup coup"

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

Why does France have so many rivers?

Water follows the path of least resistance.

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

What does the O in Reddit stand for

Original Content

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

How much does Santa pay for parking?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does sex count?

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of sex does a priest have?

Nun

What kind of car does Jesus drive?

A Chrysler

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

What does a piano, a tuna, and glue have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

How does Rob Zombie make brownies?

EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!



Edit - Yes I understand it would be better with CAKE and not BROWNIES.

What does the J in Donald J Trump stand for?

Genius

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

\-

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

What does a politician do when it dies?

It lies still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

Does no one say YOLO anymore?

Or are they all dead?

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light has to really want to change.


Give me your best lightbulb joke.

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

Why does OP never deliver?

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

10.

1 to change the bulb and 9 to tell you how much better they could've done it

How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

I don’t know, it’s never been done

Why does Oedipus hate profanity?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

What generation does Forest Gump belong to?

Gen A

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

How does a woman hold her liquor?

By the ears...

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

How does an American cop like their coffee

Black with a couple of shots in it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

Why does 10 have PTSD?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11.

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'

I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

How does an alchemist make his wife happy?

Elixer

How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness

How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking.

J.K. Rowling

What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia?

50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.

TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc

I understand if I get downvoted.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ...

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

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