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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They're both meat substitutes!

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

How many brexitiers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Two. One to promise a brighter future and one to screw it up.

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."


Doctor: Does it hurt?

Woman: Yes...

Doctor: Go vaccinate your kid or I will punch you again.

A woman asked me, “What does equality mean?”

I said, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

If money doesn’t grow on trees...

Then why does banks have branches?

What does Yoko Ono and a spider have in common?

They both live off of dead beatles.

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How many dead hookers does it take to change the lightbulb in my basement?

...Well, it's not 5.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

How does a penny look under a microscope?


How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

What does Kevin Hart have in common with Paul Walker?

Being friends with the rock!

Wait, what did you think I was going to say?

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing boeing boeing

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

How does a crazy person find their way out of the woods?

They take the psycho path.

How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability.

How does Trump screw in a light bulb?

He waits for the world to revolve around him.

How much does the world’s heaviest dumpling weigh?


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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What does a sex-addicted atheist believe in?


It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

Why does the mushroom always get invited to the party?

Because he's a fungi!

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone

This post sure "blew up"

Just like my house

how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

Why does neon glow?

Because it it didn’t, we’d had to call it neoff.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

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What does your wives sex life and tomorrows snow forecast have in common?

Both expecting 8 to 10 inches but only going to get 1 to 2...

Made this joke up and tel it off and on, how was it?

What does fortnite and Vietnam have in common


How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man


What does a cat with a lisp catch?

A mouth.

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

What do you call an amputee that does karate?

A partial artist

What sound does an organic train make?


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What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

Thank you for the silver anon person!!

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Cause Ken comes in a different box.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never allow a change that could make the world a brighter place.

How does a german cowboy say hi?


Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first?

Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

Audi partner.

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English has affixes and suffixes. But, does English have infixes?


What does a French baker say when they made a mistake?

Oh crepe

What does the wind turbine say to the power plant?

I’m your biggest fan!

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten tickles

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

We don't know, we keep sending more and they haven't done anything about it.

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What does a Roman emperor say after having sex?

Veni veni veni!

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

What does a near sighted gynecologist and a new puppy have in common?

A wet nose!

What does a prosthetic rental service do?

They lend a hand.

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

How does a Butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty!!!

How does an accountant get rid of constipation?

He works it out with a pencil

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

When looking at rocks, what does Sherlock say?

It’s Sedimentary my dear Watson.

What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

How does an evil cows laughter sound like?


How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

How does candy laugh?

It snickers

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb

One who stands on a table and holds the bulb and ten who lift the table and spin it around

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

What kind of dog does a fortune teller whi's blind in their third eye get?

A seeing-all dog!

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Girls: Anal sex does not preserve your virginity.

Your poophole is not a loophole.

Why does the Swedish navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavian!

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer

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How does japanese chihuahuas say hello?


A fight breaks out between Xbox One and PS4 fans. Someone calls the cops. What sound does the siren make?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U!

How many babies does it take to reshingle a roof?

Depends how thin you slice them.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo’ Drizzle

What kind of bee does the queen bee marry?

A hub-bee, unless shes a major les-bee-an

What does a house wear?


What does chromosomes like to wear?


Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?


Where does the cow go on a date?

to the moovies


Only 2, but I've no idea how they got in there.

What does someone who ate 4 mangoes say?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is mango number 5!

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in bed.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane!

How does a Jewish man make coffee

He brews it

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?

Push it aside and keep on eating...

How many germans does it take to fix a broken lightbulb?

One, we are very effective and have no sense of humor

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

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How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

When does a pentagon only have 4 sides?

When it intersects with a plane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, “can have some?”

The grandpa says, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says, “no”. Grandpa says, “then no, you can’t have any.” Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, “hey can I try your cigar?” Grandpa again asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says “no” and his gra...

What sound does an Australian cow make?


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How many Mexicans does it take to build a

holy shit they’re already done.

What does breast milk taste like?


How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to smoke until the room starts spinning.

Why does the Dalai Lama go to Vegas so often?

He loves Tibet.

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How does one avoid an arrest for prostitution?

Make sure the camera is rolling. It's a porno right?

What does an anti vaxxer child say at a school shooting?

"No shots for me, please."

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

How does Sean Connery shave?


Why does Bono sing acapella when hes feeling down?

It takes the edge off it

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?


What does a cannibal get when he/she's late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

What does the Secret Service say when someone throws something at the President?

Donald, duck!

How does every black joke start?

With a white person looking over their shoulders

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What does one saggy boob say to another?

“If we don’t get any support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts!!”

How does an elephant get down from a tree?

It sits on a leaf and waits until autumn

What does the pig say?


What does trump have in common with a pumpkin?

They’re both orange on the outside hollow on the inside and should be thrown out in early November

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Boomers hate change. They'll just complain about how good things were before and how we should just go back to it.

What does a redneck and a Tyrannosaur have in common?

They both love their small arms.

What does a responsible bartender and anti-vax mum have in common?

Neither give shots to children.

Why does Mexico never win gold in the Olympics?

Because the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are already in America

What does a depressed person do when they leave the toilet?

I don’t know, they just feel empty inside

(Courtesy of my ten-year-old cousin. He told me he made it up, what a legend)

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