How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

How does a nonbinary ninja kill people?

They slash Them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

How many antivaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

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It's not my job to give you the answer. Do your own research.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9-volt battery and an asshole have in common?

You know it's wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're pretty light.

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it the harder it gets

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Does anyone have a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything.

How many germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.
We are very effective and don´t have a great sense of humor.

Guten Tag!

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How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. I am screwed, lightbulb is screwed, the whole fucking world is screwed

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

Why does bill Cosby like fliers

Because their passed out

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty

How does a penguin build a house?

**Igloos it together.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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What does one boob say to the other boob?

If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

How does a polygamist hippie count his wives?

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie......

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, obviously. How they got inside the lightbulb is the part I don't understand...

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

NSFW What kind of meat does a priest eat on friday?

Nun.

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What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

Does Spanish have anything in common with English?

No

Why does Kim Jong Un have such a big library?

Because he's Supreme Reader

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

Why does Tom Holland never drive?

Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

It stands for "Benoit B. Mandelbrot"

It looks like almost a year since this one was posted so seemed okay for a repost.

He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope ...

What does someone from India do when they dont feel like going in to work?

They call in Sikh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shit load of light bulbs!

How does Jimmy season his world before eating it?

It just takes some thyme

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.

What does the Egyptian Santa Clause say when he enters a child's house?

I come bearing glyphs

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!

Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

What does dark humor and health care have in common?

Not everyone gets it...

What does the Jewish potion maker do at work?

Hebrew

Which side of a glass of water does Gary Larson drink from?

Neither! He ordered a cheeseburger!

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

Does Forrest Gump belong to Gen X, Gen Y, or Gen Z?

Nope. He belongs to Gen A.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

How does a Shelf defend itself?

They learn Shelf-Defense.

How does a software code becomes unreadable?

No comments.

What time does Donald Duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

How does a rabbi make his coffee?

Hebrews it!

Enjoy your day!

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A man buys a talking parrot, and he’s shocked to learn that the only thing the parrot does is curse.

All day, every day, it’s just a torrent of profanity.

He tries everything he can think of to make the parrot stop cursing.

He tries speaking in only kind, polite words and the parrot replies with, “Shit. Asshole. Fucker.”

He tries yelling at it. The parrot just says, “Motherfu...

What does an amputee veteran do?

He calls for arms...

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to ca...

What does a ska drummer do when they drop a stick?

Pickitup pickitup pickitup!

Why does milk turn into yogurt when you take it to a museum

Because it turns into cultured milk

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

How many plumbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A boss to tell the plumber, a plumber to tell the helper, and a helper to get the electrician to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They're both fast, cheap and if the rubber breaks, you're fucked.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

Why does Luxembourg have a standing army?

Because there is no room to sit down.

What does dad have in common with the Euro Cup?

Not coming home.

How does a lawyer say goodbye?

***I'll be suing ya!***

What does two heliums and Michael Jackson have in common?

HeHe

What does a French cat say?

LMAO

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

If it had 4 it'd be a chicken sedan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the USS Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

...

...

...

...

... ten tickles.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My translation of a foreign joke:

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, p...

What does sasquatch use for money?

Cryptid-currencies.

(Yeah I know it sucks)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

What does a bad gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common?

A wet nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Sean Connery have trouble housebreaking his dog?

Because every time he tells them to sit they take a shit.

How does an old rich man propose to a young beautiful woman?

Will you bury me?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I asked my friend, "what does STFU mean?"

"Shut the fuck up," he responded.

He didn't have to be so harsh, he could've just told me to go away.

It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells shells on the sea shore...

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

What does one sheep say to the other?

Dude, you have to try this horse-dewormer, it's amazing!

What does a deaf gynecologist do?

He reads lips

What does the avatar get when he’s nervous?

He gets Aang-xious!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

Why does 10+10 = 11+11

Cuz 10+10 is twenty
And 11+11 is twenty too

What does Batman put in his drink?

Justice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the behavioral psychologist say after sex?

That was great for you, but how was it for me?

What does Bruce Lee order in Burger King?

WOPPAAAH!

If you asked an electrician to change a fuse, and he does..

He has refused -

How does a monk kill people in his convent?

With nun-chucks!

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it.

How does Elvira prefer to invest her money?

Crypt-ocurrency

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and to...

What sound does a pidgeon make when it sneezes?

“Aaa-cooo!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a horny librarian sort books?

They use the do me decimal system.

Where does a person end and a horse start?

At the centaur.

Why does EA keep winning Worst Corporation In America?

Because Ubisoft is French.

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

What condition does a noodle have when it doesn’t feel like it’s good enough?

Impasta syndrome!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler!

Why does Batman just wear dark colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.

Why does Robin just wear bright colors?

Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot

Why does Jesus hate Skittles?

Because they keep rolling through the holes in his hands.

Where does Joey Fatone wash his vegetables?

N’Sync

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where Does Virgin Wool Come from?

Ugly Sheep!

What does a penguin lawyer order at a bar?

Just ice

Why does Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?

You only get one shot…

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin hat!

How many of my mother does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh, no. No, no, you go out and have fun, I’ll just sit here in the dark. No, no, it’s fine. It saves on electricity… that way, I can leave more in my will.

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

What kind of wine does a horse drink?

A chardo-neigh.

Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

What does santa say to naughty adults?

Hoe hoe hoe

Does anyone know how to find someone to spend time with?

Asking for a friend.

Where does a dinosaur keep his underwear?

DRAWR

What kind of car does a lawyer drive?

A Suebaru.

How many psychoanalyst does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one. But, it takes years and years of therapy, and ultimately the lightbulb has to want to change.

What does Atlas and a bra have in common?

They are both over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders.

What does a Spanish speaking person say when you ask him what is in his container full of snails?

Es Cargo!

Does anyone know of an office job that will hire someone with zero verifiable experience?

Yes, the White House recently did. Apply there.

How much does a roof cost?

Nothing. It's on the house!

What does rain do before marriage?

It precipiDATES!

How much does an unwell octopus cost?

Sick Squid.

Where does the Georgian Olympic team train their cyclists?

In the Sakartvelo-drome

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

What does Jesus do when he is sad?

Jesus Cries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken ‘comes’ in another box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

Why does 1 equal 0?

cos 0 = 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?

A big toe-truck

How does the cow own the dance floor at barnyard parties?

He's got the moos like Jagger.

What does the blacksmith say to the apprentice after graduation?

May the Forge be with you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

What does Hermione say when Weasley gets knocked out?

Keep calm and carry Ron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If bedbugs live in beds, does that mean..

..cockroaches........

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

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