UPJOKE
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How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.







(I didn’t write the joke)

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Monday January 01, 1900

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

How does every Mexican joke start?

By looking over your shoulder.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

What does the letter “p” in Facebook stand for?

Privacy!

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Narcissists don’t use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.

How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight, if you want to screw it completely.

What generation does Forest Gump belong to?

Gen A

How many reposters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's hard to tell because they just keep putting the same bulb in over and over.

How does a joke become a dad joke?

It leaves and never comes back.

What does Beethoven do in his grave?

He decomposes

How does a queen in a straitjacket flip a light switch?

Off, with her head

What does a politician do after he dies?

He lies still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

Someone asked me, “since you have autism does that mean you take everything literally?”

I replied, “no, that’s a kleptomaniac.”

Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle!

Why does a Chicken Coup only have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a Chicken Sedan

How does a Trump supporter explain why they cannot perform in bed?

Erection fraud.

How does a Jewish man make coffee?

Hebrews.

"What does an Icelandic dog say?"

"Bjork! Bjork!"

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/Them

Why does the sun never set on the British empire?

Because God can't trust the British in the dark.

What does a person who only thinks about themselves do for a living?

Sell fish

How much does a chimney cost?

Not much, they’re on the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dentist send when sexting?

A tooth pic

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is.

I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."

She said, "He doesn't count."

"Oh I assure you, he does."

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many calories does poop have?

A shitload

what does a communist cat say?

Mao

when does 1+1=3?

.... When you don't use a condom!

What does a knife have in common with a milkshake?

They both look amazing, but you usually regret your choices once they're in your stomach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They wouldn’t bother: Sex abuse is easier to hide in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

What does a candle do when it gets fired?

It has a meltdown

What does a guy with a 12 incher eat for breakfast?

I didn't think you'd know. This morning I had oatmeal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the Lightning McQueen and Sally have sex?

In a bed-Vroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a doctor say when he’s having sex?

The doctor is in…

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for clingons

What sound does a brass frog make?

Rivet

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

How does a guy know he has a high sperm count?

The woman has to chew before she swallows!

How many ska musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!!!"

Where does Putin keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

How does Thom Yorke wake up on a weekend that doesn’t happen to coincide with his birthday?

With no alarms and no surprises

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B-shells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a horny deaf chick wear tight pants?

So that you could read her lips

What does an acorn say when it grows up?

Geometry.

Crime does not pay…

as well as politics.

how many Indians does it take to fix a lightbulb?

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

Why does the Earth need a tutor?

Because it has seven “C”s.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware ?

I dunno, Alaska.

What does an vegan zombie eat?

GrAAaAinZ

How does a flower whistle?

Through their tulips.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

How does a duck carry his school books?

Bwack pwack

Does a non-binary mathematician

still use zeroes and ones?

How does a narcissist change a lightbulb?

They hold on to it and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping?

At the flee market.

Why does a fork have four prongs?

If it had one less it would be a threek.

How many Russians does it take to change a Ukrainian lightbulb?

At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.

Why does John the Baptist have more money than Jesus?

Because Jesus saves while John invests!

Where does Phil Collins record his songs

The stu-stu-studio

All my gilled salamander pet does is just sit there. It barely moves or anything.

I named it Relaxalotl.

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

Cuz I've tried fucking everything.

What sound does a Nintendo police car make?

Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U

when does the liquor store open?

A man calls the owner of a liquor store one evening. What time do you open the store tomorrow morning? The owner answers - we open at nine, Sir, good bye.

A few hours later the same man calls again and asks the same question, only this time he is a bit tipsy. I already told you Sir - we open...

Why does a robot do during a one night stand?

Nuts and bolts

What does a Buddhist cowboy say when they’re surprised?

Wut in reintarnation?

What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Why does reddit hate fencing?

Because of all the riposting.

How does a women control her liqour?

She holds him by the ears

What does a pizza delivery boy and a gynecologist have in common?

They both can smell it but they cannot eat it.

Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

What does Homer Simpson do all day as he recovers from monkeypox?

He watches "The Itchy and Scratchy Show".

How does a mansplainer get water?

From a well, actually

How many twitter people does it take to change a light bulb

Twelve million and one. One to change the lightbulb and twelve million to complain about how that one person ruined light bulbs forever

What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.

What does a mermaid wash her tail with?

Tide

Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?

Because all proper tea is theft.

What does Jared Leto say when he is on drugs?

It's Morphine time!

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

What does a cow say when its cheering for its friends?

I’ll give you some encowregment.


Just an average joke by my sister.

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my wife to the doctor’s to sort our her Tourette’s.

Turns out she she doesn’t have it after all. I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

What sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Doakleys

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

What does a colonoscopy look for?

Fartifacts

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old Russian Navy.

What does an old person turn into when bitten by Dracula?

A Grampire.

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

On which day does a serial killer rest?

On the stabbath!

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

What does adopting a cat and being homeless have in common?

Getting your pick of the litter

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

What does a sea monster eat?

Fish and ships.

How does a german calls a taxi

He hails it

Did you hear about the doctor who does circumcisions on commission?

He works for tips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 90's hacker say when he has sex?

Ok, I'm in.

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

How many Lutheran grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No, I'm fine, don't make a fuss over me. I'll just sit in the dark.

What does a male otter call his wife?

My significant otter

How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv?

Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama

One Mississippi

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, unless they need help - in which case it's still one.

How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Can't tell, as soon as the light goes on, they scatter!

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"no, it's ok, leave your poor mother in the dark..."

Why does Sally Wear Sea Shells?

She grew out of her B shells.

What does St. Nicholas call his suits?

His Santa Clothes.


Where does he store his suits?

In his Klaus-et.

Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his bucking hat.


Sorry if this has been posted recently! You know pirate jokes. You hear one, you’ve heard them arrrrrrrr

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm sorry sir, this light bulb was discontinued 12 years ago. you're gonna need a whole new lamp. that'll be $12,500.

Where does Hell fire come from?

A match made in Heaven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many sexual partners does a priest have?

Nun

Why does Elon Musk make his employees have a net electric charge?

He doesn't want them to be unionized.

How does a turkey start a knock knock joke?

Gobble Gobble.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

Why does the plot of SpongeBob not make sense?

Because it’s full of holes.

What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?

Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.


Too soon?

If a theist has belief in a god and an atheist has non-belief what does that make agnostics?

“May-believers”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a cumsock and its owner have in common?

They’re both probably single.

Why does Athens hate the morning?

Because dawn is tough on grease!

What does time and incest have in coming?

Relativity

What does a chicken say when it's playing the piano?

Bach bach

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man with a 2 foot penis eat for breakfast?

Well, this morning I had toast

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