How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

"you mean a choir?"

Fine... How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.


Edit: *Father


Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s

b. 100,000 km/s

c.

d. 1,000,000 km/s

How many syllables does the word gloria have?

Christians: 18

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year.

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?

He cuts holes in his pockets.

What does a cannibal do after eating a vegetable?

Goes on eBay to see how much the wheelchair sells for.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Japan love 2D girls so much?

A lot of bad things happened when they were the third Axis.

How does a rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) How does the porn industry battle incest?

Step by step

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NSFW: What does your first car and anal sex have in common?

You don’t want either one, but your stepdad is gonna give you both.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

How many eggs does it take to make a French omelette?

Just one. In France one egg is un oeuf.

What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night?

>!you tap it once and it's gone!<

What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

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How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

It’s gotta be more than 7 because my basement’s still dark.

Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?

Thats easy...


Batman doesent want to get shot.

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say ?

*"beat it, we're closed"*

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

Where does Trump go shopping?

Traitor Joes.

Here's a joke I made up... What does a North Korean ricochet sound like?

PYONG! YANG!

I'm sorry.

How does the nasa organize a party?

They planet.

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

When does an idea kill a vampire?

When it dawns on them.

Why does nobody ever tell Jonestown Massacre jokes?

... because the punchlines are too long

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How does a duck fart?

With his ass-quack

What does a flat earth and my ex-girlfriend have in common?

Both of them are completely made up.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

What does a fat white woman and a pile of bricks have in common?

Sooner or later they will both get laid by a Mexican.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

What does Lizzo say when she goes to the dentist?

Tooth hurts

What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by period.

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Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

Nothing. He steals it.

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be
a chicken sedan.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

Why does KFC has no toilet paper?

It's finger liking good.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?

I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the Germans make the filthiest porn?

Because they stopped making soap years ago.

Why does a golfer need to bring two pairs of pants golfing?

In case there’s a hole in one.

A girl goes out surfing but does not return home...

...sick with worry, her parents ask for help and the lifeguard service heads out to find her. Soon, the parents are informed over the phone by an excited lifeguard. "We have bad news, good news, and really good news!" The parent's tears are instantly dried and smiles spread across their faces but al...

Everyone knows what sin city is. But does anyone know what is den city?

Mass per unit volume

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ho ho ho.


Probably been posted, but made me chuckle and is a goody

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?

"Smell ya later!"

A girl dances with you regularly but isn't into you. What does she see you as?

A step-brother

...sorry

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

What sound does a 747 make when it has a bumpy landing?

Boeing

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

Little Johny had 30 chocolates, he ate 20, what does little Johny have now?

Diarrhea

How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?

One Mississippi.

What does a creepy pokemon do while you're in the shower?

Pikachu

What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction

Why does no one like fish merchants?

Because they selfish.

What does the "F" in Hong Kong stand for ?

Freedom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the new vegan whopper and dildos have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

Why does the trex only sell handguns?

Because he is a small arms dealer.

What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

Where does a woman with one leg work?

I-Hop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does oral sex taste like to senior citizens?

Depends

Why does a dyslexic man watch TV in his boredom?

To combat his bedroom.

Where does a cow fart come from?

The dairy air

What game does a drug addict play the most?

Need for speed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the bride smile all the way down the aisle?

Because she knows she's given her last blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a blind man say when he listens to Braille music for the first time?

This shit bumps!

What does Trump do early in the morning?

He lies in his bed.

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together.

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him

Edit: thank you for the cold kind stranger!

What does a website for orphans look like?

Pretty empty, there’s not even a homepage.

Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

When a fetus is hungry, what does it do?

It orders womb service.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has either.

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

What does walter white order at a mexican restraunt?

Rice n' beans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does baby Yoda poop when constipated?

He forces it out.

What does a bar and a woman have in common?

Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

What does the Mandalorian say when he offers you a protein shake?

This is the whey.

How long does it take to hide a dead hooker's corpse?

Seriously guys, the cops could come by any minute now

What does a serial killer eat when he’s on a budget?

Raw men

Why does Jesus like Swiss cheese?

It is the holiest of cheeses.

How much does the world’s largest Chinese dumpling weigh?

WonTon

What sound does a communist cat make?

Mao.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does America say when the sea level rises?

Oh shit I lost my Keys

What does a house wear to a party?

Address

Why does 10 have PTSD and night terrors?

Cause he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

What does a buffalo say to his kid, when sending him to school?

Bison.

How does Mario contact his dead brother?

With a Luigi board.

Why does the crab never share?

Because it was shell-fish

How many ears does Captain Picard have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

What does Good King Wenceslas ask for when he orders pizza?

"Deep pan, crisp and even."

What does the Devil eat?

*Soul* food.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

Idaho, Alaska!

A vegan, a person on a gluten-free diet, and a person who does Crossfit walk I to a bar.

I only know about that because none of them would shut up about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pussy and chainsaw have in common?

You miss by few inches and you're in deep shit

How does a pirate cat-call in the 21st century?

Yo-ho!

How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

We don't know, it's never been tried.

What kind of dough does a gamer use?

Nintedough!

How does the chicken get to work?

BACAW!

What does a French man say when he drops an egg on the ground?

Oeuf

What is it called when the fat kid does karate?

Pork Chops

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Friend asks the other: "Does your wife also smoke after sex?"

His friend gives him a slightly confused look and replies: "Erm, no, but she's a bit sore afterwards."

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

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