UPJOKE
thereforesinceconsequentlythathencetheneitherwhatevernothoweverneveralsomoreovercausalcause

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

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A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

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Because Nintendo's beloved character is Japanese, Mario is his LAST name. His first name?

Itsume.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

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Justice is a dish best served cold because...

...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

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In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.



Edit to add: Thank you for the Gold and Silvers kind strangers!

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"Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because

she was extremely silly?????"

"No, I said, she was fucking Goofy!"

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

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"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.

‘Horseback Riding’ should just be called ‘Horse Riding' because

where else would you sit?

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Because the punchline gets spoiled early.

Why is this time travel joke not funny?

My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

It’s called a threesome because there‘s you and two other people.

A foursome is called that because its you and three other people.

I guess now we know why your mom calls you “handsome”.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...

...they dilate!

In your 20s, a woman looks at you because of your youth and vitality.

In your 30s, a woman looks at you because of your poise and sophistication.

In your 40s, a woman looks at you because of your maturity and wisdom.

...At my age, when a woman looks at me, I check that I put my trousers on the right way round.

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My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

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I wasn't upset when my gf dumped me because I had a small penis.

I was never really that much into her.

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.

Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately,...

My atheist friend failed algebra class because he couldn’t calculate exponents

He doesn’t believe in a higher power.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
.
.

We only have one star.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type

She kept saying "be positive " but it's going to be hard when she's not around

My wife left me because of autocorrect

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

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I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

My wife left me because of my obsession with pasta!

I'm feeling cannelloni right now..

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

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The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair

I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Just because nobody complains

Doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

My wife is furious at me because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right left away.

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

I was denied access to a store because of racism,

I'm a NASCAR fan instead of F1.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

I asked someone because I wasn't sure whether the correct spelling was humor or humour.

"Sounds like a *you* problem," I was told.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor the women are extra fertile.

But their condoms are "Made in China"

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. You...

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my constant zodiac jokes

I'm so sad that something so simple Taurus apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my car the "pussy wagon" because

that's where I go to cry.

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

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