North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad said that people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

My wife is thinking of leaving me because of my obsession with poker

But I think she's bluffing.

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

I'm not afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it's like being famous.

You don't recognize anybody, but everybody recognizes you.

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Because of my cakeday, I'm going to make a joke about cake

You butter believe it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm drunk all the time

Dear God, I got married?

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I want to quit this job because no women will talk to me

Screw the morgue

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So i went.


And I saw my dad.

Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

This is the first year I’m not going to travel because of covid

Normally it’s because I’m poor

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...

...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

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In mediaeval England a man was once executed because his penis was too big.

He was hung

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My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

My wife left me because of how insecure I am.

Nevermind, she is back. She was just getting some tea.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?

Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

Not a proper joke but it was the smart answer that made me giggle.

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A guy goes to see his doctor because he's having an intense as pain in his asshole

The doctor tells him:

"Looks like you have hemorrhoids in your asshole, use this cream and it will help you."

Embarrassed, the guy says:

"Well that's a new experience for me, can you show me how to put the cream on?"

The doctor shows him how to apply the cream, and the gu...

My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Thanks to the advance of science, a 75 years old lady got pregnant and had a baby.
When she returned home with the baby from the Maternity Ward, her friends went to visit her.
“Where is the baby? Let’s see him!” Said her friends.
-“Wait for a while””. I’ll show him to you later”.
Half ...

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

My aunt told me don’t blink because life goes by so fast

She now suffers from severe eye inflammation

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

I actually just realized that cake day is your reddit anniversary and not your birthday because of a notification I just got

It’s me. I’m the joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, I was fired from my job because I wore a mini skirt

And they have the stupidest fucking excuse: "I dont want to see your cock"

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

Yoda was afraid of 7 because...

Because 6, 7 8

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

I'm depressed because the store just ran out of the thing I wanted to buy for Christmas

It was antidepressant

From the man who brought you "we only have more COVID-19 cases because we're doing more testing" comes the hit single

"I'm only losing because they're counting the votes against me"

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

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The reason sex with a vampire doesn't usually result in pregnancy isn't because the sperm is dead.

It's because the vampire can't come inside without an invitation.

Don't let anyone convince you you can't do something because of your disability.

Beethoven was told he could never be a musician, but he didn't listen.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because ...

because they are more certain they are their own.





—ARISTOTLE

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

I tried to sue an airport because of my missing luggage.

I lost my case.

My girlfriend wants to break up with me because she says I play video games too much

What a ridiculous reason to Fallout 4

My wife left me today because I'm colorblind.

That totally came out of the green.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job

She probably shouldn’t have been driving

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

This is the first year that we didn't go to Hawaii because of coronavirus...

Every other year we don't go because we can't afford it.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Did you hear the joke about the guy that got run over by a train because he wasn't paying attention?

Yeah, I guess he didn't either

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I turned to beastiality because my wife wouldn't stop talking, talking, talking.

But now its just yak, yak, yak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

Do you ever feel like eating something because it's there?

Today I got fired from my job as a gynaecologist.

i used to go to hogwarts but they kicked me out because of my dyslexia

apparently spelling matters

My girlfriend left me because of my alleged pasta fetish.

Right now I’m feeling cannelloni...

"I think I might be coming down with COVID because I'm losing my sense of hearing."

"No, with COVID you lose your sense of smell"

"What?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do inmates never have sex?

Because they're In-Cells

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says our sex is bad because I get easily distracted.

Oh well. Back to it I suppose...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”
The li...

Many people told Beethoven that he wouldn't make good music because he was deaf

But did he listen?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m worried because my kinky wife told me she’s into cockatoos

Oh, never mind, I misheard her, she said a cock or two. Phew, that would have been weird.

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

A man wanted a chicken of his own to lay fresh eggs for him. He went to a farm supply store that had chickens and tried to buy one, but he was denied because he wasn't a registered farmer. The clerk said, "Sorry sir. . ."

"No farm, no fowl."

When Kanye West ran for president he created his own political party called the Birthday Party. He calls it the birthday party because he says “Every day will feel like your birthday when we win”.

True story

I went to the doctor the other day because I was having bad gas.

It wasn't bothering me because I'm Anosmic (no sense of smell), but my wife and kids were complaining.

By the time doctor came into the examination room, I had passed gas at least four times. They felt like smelly farts, but I couldn't really tell.

I told the doctor about my problem, ...

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

The reason Saudi Arabia has so much money, is not because of the oil...

It's because they wouldn't let their women spend it.

I explained to my 3-year-old that the stores are closed because it's Sunday

"Yeah," she replied. "It's too bright."

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

But Mickey, you can't divorce Mini just because you think she's dumb.

"I didn't say she was dumb. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Everyone always jumps aboard with a joke of their own in the comments because they think they are more funny.

Guess we could call it the one upman ship.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

“I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, ‘You’re next.’

So I started doing the same to them at funerals, ‘You’re next.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

What do you call it when you go to jail because your heart stops working?

Cardiac arrest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Sees a Therapist Because He Isn't Getting Enough Sleep

(Go easy on me, I'm new to the sub)

Upon hearing this the therapist asks: "So when was your last sexual encounter?"

Clearly annoyed, the man responds: "Why does everything come back to sex with you psychologists? My sleep has absolutely nothing to do with sex!!"

And the therapis...

Why r/jokes is most climate friendly sub because it

recycles continuously.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

Her: He says no to condoms because he can't feel anything through them.

Me: What an insensitive prick!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

My girlfriend keeps turning down my invite to the medieval fare because she's busy with "activism" and "planning women's marches".

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

I am really sad because my pet chameleon won’t change colors

I think he has ereptile dysfunction

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obviously and because.

Teacher in the class:

\-Kids, please form a sentence with words "obviously" and "because".

After a while teacher asks:

\-Have You come up with something, kids?

One kid raises his hand and says:

\-Grandma took the newspaper and went into the woods.

\-But wher...

Lions don't usually cannibalize, because they are proud creatures.

But sometimes they have to swallow their pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

The release of the Bond movie has been postponed once again because of COVID.

Hollywood wants to die another day.

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

Why does Spiderman hate driving with his evil twin?

Because he’s a bad parallel Parker

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big or strong enough.

Today, I put in my too-weak notice.

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This will be the first year my family and I won't be spending the Christmas holidays in the Bahamas because of covid.

Usually it's because we're poor.

For anyone complaining about being treated unfairly because of the colour of their skin..

...Lighten up.

An Irishman was flustered because he couldn't find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this! If you open up a space for me, I swear I'll give up drinking whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

The clouds parted, sun shining on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman said, "Nevermind, found one!"

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?...

Find out next week!

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you Medusa?

Because you’re green. Why the fuck are you green?

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

My girlfriend left me because of my Linkin Park addiction

But in the eeeennddd it doesn't even maatteeerrrr

My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.

I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.

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