After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because...

...they dilate!

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

I swam up to the surface instead.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

North Korean citizens believe they live in the best country in the world because the government and the media brainwash them.

When every American citizen knows that America is the best country in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag

My wife told me we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.

I miss my igloo.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife won’t let me cum in her because it messes up her pH levels.

I’m starting to think it’s actually because I’m too basic for her…

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aaron is in geometry class. His teacher is yelling at him because he’s wearing AirPods while the teacher is talking. In the middle of his rant, Aaron says “You’re such a square!”

The teacher says “prove it”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

You know that weird urge you get to just eat something because its there?

Anyways i lost my job as a gynecologist

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

My wife hates me because I make too many Pokemon puns

She's just Shellos

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she's leaving me because I exaggerate too much

I nearly tripped over my cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Her: Why do you use because all the time?

Me: I am a simple man. I use because because because is a conjunction.

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Steve and Buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

I thought my drier was shrinking my clothes because they don't fit any more.

Turns out, it was my refrigerator all along.

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called in on my doctor yesterday because I had found deep inside between my buttocks a full-stop and also a comma just below it.

He took one look, paused for a moment, and then referred me for a semi-colonoscopy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher asks a question from the next chapter in a class. You are able to answer because:

You Reddit.

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

I've heard a theory that the dinosaurs died out because their eggs became rotten.

It was a mass egg-stink-tion!

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

What is the status of a hippo that is mourning because of his recently passed wife?

In the Nile

If a class going to cosmetology school can’t make it because of a snow storm…

Do they have a make up day?

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

I rushed home because my girlfriend kept saying she was "hot and bothered".

Turns out the AC is busted.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she has no arms.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

I know antiquarians are doing a terrific job, because ...

In my whole I have never seen a single quarian.

They say you shouldn't eat takeout too often because it makes you fat...

I think it's worth the weight.

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure..

Oh wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?

Because we’re raised differently.

Me: I’m just saying if you’re head over heels in love you could just be standing there because your head is normally over your heels.

Cupid: Yeah well I appreciate you applying for the job and we’ll keep your resume on file.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers.


Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it’s Good Friday I thought to myself, “What would Jesus do?”.

So I turned it into wine...

Me:. Why are you making that funny face? Is it because I farted?

Cowboy:. Yer darn tootin'!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I divorced my wife because I wanted to make love on a plane but she didn’t…

…she just never gave a flying fuck.

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because

I just got laid last night.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

People who post quotes like "I like to cry when it is raining because no one would see my tears" are also the ones

who pee in swimming pools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.


Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Why did princess peach begin to choke?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

I hate sports like cricket and baseball because all you do is hit and run over and over

if I wanted to hit and run I'd get in a car

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat,” she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher failed me in SexEd because I didn't want to discuss the subject.

Worst part of homeschooling...

What was completely ruined because too many people start doing it?

Yo momma.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.

Everything was going great then I tried to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it”

This just keeps getting better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matt Hancock just quit his job because he had an affair with someone in his cabinet.

I’m surprised he had enough room in there.

Why is Yoda afraid of seven?

Because six, seven ate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic,

Well I just made 2 vases and a jug, so fuck you Mr McDonald.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned

I thought we had good alchemy

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.

Happy Days.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

The shave is going well and the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. As the barber finished the man goes to spit the ball out but ...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor because he’s been having trouble with his sex life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: “Look, you’re just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you’ll start to feel better.”

A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says “Gee thanks for the advice doc, I’ve been running ten miles a day and I feel great!”
...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

alright, so fruits are classified as fruits instead of vegetables because they have seeds inside them, right?

men... you are fruit

What do you call it when you can't urinate because you feel the presence of others around you?

Peer pressure.

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I slept in.

I'm not a mourning person.

I got a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.

When I got home, they were still there.

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt...

Because of the short arms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is really mad at our next door neighbour, because she is always sunbathing nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Why is Ireland the wealthiest country in the world?

because its capital is always dublin.

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty

My girlfriend left me because of my Linkin Park obsession

But in the end it doesn't even matter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Blonde dyes her hair brown, because she's tired of all the blonde jokes

this blonde girl dies her hair brown because she's tired of all the jokes she decides to take a ride one day in her convertible. She's got the top down and she's cruising up an Old country road.And comes across this sheep herder. So she stops and pokes her head over the convertible and says excuse m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick.

The boss tells the employee "Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?"

Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said "Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!"

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale

Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!

Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting

I wonder what she's up to, now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’?

Because you can’t c in the dark.

Why is Kim Jong Un heartless?

Because he has no Seoul.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.