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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

Grandpa died in the hospital because they had the wrong blood type on record

It was a Type O.

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

Why did the Irishman put only 239 beans in his stew?

Because if he put one more it would be two forty.

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ?

Because they drank it all

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses quality ingredients, what did you think asshole?

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

A girl went to confession.

Girl: I think I am pregnant.

Priest: How did this happen my child.?

Girl: I think it might have been the second coming.

Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming.?

Girl: Because I swallowed the first one father.

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

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Why do rednecks have sex only missionary style?

It's because YOU NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON FAMILY!!!

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A married man tells his wife...

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your ass."

She smiles and asks, "is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, because it means you are walking away."

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

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Which is the lightest organ of the male human body ?

Penis. Because thoughts can lift it.

Why do you never see an elephant hiding behind a tree?

Because they’re very good at it

Why does the Frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is en-Oeuf

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

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Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would lose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

Why do British people pronounce it "bri'ish"?

Because after the incident in Boston, they always hide the t

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once,because the next time would be 90-10

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

Performance VS Rehearsal

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!"

"A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves anoth...

Edumacation is important

Two guys are digging a hole in the blistering heat, while their foreman is sitting 20 ft away under a tree, in the shade.

One of the guys turns to the other and says “hey, why are we out here digging these holes and doing all the work all day, while he gets to just sit there in the shade and...

Why was the little inkblot so unhappy?

Because his mother was in the pen and they didn't know how long the sentence would be.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Many. Because many Hans make light work.

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A man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

The doctor says, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The man, upset, says “why??”


“Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Why cats can't hold alcohol?

Because they have paws.

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A friend of mine got rushed to hospital because he put a toy pony up his butt

Personally, I pity the foal.

In case you're worried about him - don't, he's in a stable condition

The Abominable Snowman is sad because everyone runs from him when he tries to make friends....

Yeti still tries :)

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says "Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case". Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around this precin...

Why are ghosts bad at lying ?

Because you can see right through them.

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A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

A mother and her three daughters, Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock are walking down a path

Lily asks her mom “mom, why did you name me Lily?” The mom replies “Because when we were taking you home from the delivery room, a lily fell on your head” Curious, Rose asks “Mom, why is my name Rose?” Her mother says “because when we were taking you home from the delivery room, a rose fell on your ...

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?

Because it would blow his cover

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Why does a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again

Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?

Because it’s the first date.

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

Why was the dyslexic dog a Christian?

Because he believes in himself.

A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa."

When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".

Why do tailpipes get worn out quickly?

Because their job is exhausting!

Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ

He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

Why did king Arthur's wife marry him?

Because he made her Camelot.

Erectile Dysfunction

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an traditional healer, who was well known to have a very good naturopathic cure for erectile dysfunction!

As he despised western medicine, believing the conspiracy theo...

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

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Donkey Woman

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say'...

Why was the portrait taken to jail?

Because it was framed!

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ?

Because attachments are forbidden.

Why is the tomato red?

Because it's angry that it can't ride a bicycle.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Racial Humor

An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him. The Chinese takes a drink, the the Irish man says to him, "do you know Kung fu?". The Chinese man says, "why because I'm Chinese? That's just racist!". The Irish man says, "No, I ask because you're drinking my beer".

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

You must have been born on a highway

Because that's where most accidents happen!

Say this aloud: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big!

Dog Fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in t...

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[NSFW] Why did one boob feel lost without the other?

because she lost her iden-tity

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Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

I asked my wife, “How do you spell invulnerable?”

She said, “I-N-V-U..”

I said, “Everyone does, because I’m awesome!”

Whose job is it, anyway?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Any...

Why did yearly meeting for impotent men get canceld?

Because no one could come

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

The South will rise again...

...Because it has nowhere to go but up

My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?


Because they're always rooting for themselves.

Why was Antarctica sad?

Because it was ice-lated

Today's my birthday, so if I'm not around much...

...it's because I don't have any presence.

Why can't men be anarchists?

Because they have a Pro State

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meter!



Some jokes just don't translate well.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.

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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

I think we need to pay the band more...

Why do you say that?

Because I saw them outside all having to share the same cigarette!

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

The Casket

A man floored it in his car because he was being chased by a casket, rolling down the road at Godspeed. He drove and drove until his car ran out of gas.

The casket still chasing him and his house being a half a mile away, he ran down the street and into his house, shutting the door behind hi...

I only do so many puns...

...because I'm dad inside.

A girl added me and sent me a picture of herself

She looked so much like someone who would judge me based of my appearance so i blocked her.
Cut toxic people out of your life because you deserve better (:

Why's it called a lighter?

A lighter is called a lighter because it gets lighter every time you use it

Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted.

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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A stomach was sad...

because everything it tried to make turned out to be shit.

Why did the baker become a theif?

Because he kneaded the dough

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The Blowjob Class

Chantelle and her man are happily married, but their adventurous days in bed are long gone. To boost their sex life, Chantelle decides to participate in a blowjob class.

In the first lesson, the instructor introduced herself: "My name is Monica and I am a blowjob expert. What you will learn i...

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

Why can’t you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

A monkey asks another monkey

- What are you doing?
- Eating a banana.
- But why is it brown?
- Because I'm eating it the second time.

My girl said her safe word

My girl said her safe word is “Meatloaf” because she would do anything for love but she won’t do that.

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A man has to fart in a bus..

He said oh shit I gotta fart! But i guess the people won't notice because the music is too loud. So I just gotta do it matching the rhythm of the sound..
He did it! After he's done,
the people clapped their hands and
his earphones alarmed battery low.

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

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just got a japanese gf

she's gotta be a rare breed because her private is uncensored

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels

Why did the blind orphan cross the road alone?

Because he wished to see his parents on the other side.

One day, a zookeeper is walking around the zoo when he sees a man throwing $20 bills into all the exhibits he passes.

"Why are you throwing money into those cages?" asks the zookeeper.

"Because that sign says it's okay," says the man, pointing to a sign.

The zookeeper looks up at the sign. It says, "Do not feed animals. $20 fine."

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

Why did the farmboy ride the butcher's girl?

Because he wanted a piggyback.

Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class?

Because they were copycats.

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If I was in a room with two bullets, Hitler, Osama bin laden, and any person that sleeps fully clothed

I’d walk away, because Hitler and Bin Laden are both dead and I don’t have a gun.

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A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana.

On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single.

Man: "Yes I am, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're fucking ugly"

A man receives a message from a neighbor...

"Sorry, sir I am using your wife day and night. Usually, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital.

...

Hey girl, did you fall from heaven?

because you look like Satan himself

A smart cop, a dumb cop and cinderella walk down the street and see a dropped coin on the ground. Who picks it up?

The dumb cop; because Cinderella and a smart cop exist only in stories.

My friend went into a suntanning competition but it was rigged

Because all the contestants got bronze

My wife never listens when I give directions

She left because I was right.

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

Why do Python developers wear glasses?

Because they can't "C".

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

My theory in why gordon Ramsey's kids aremt his

Because he doesnt like it raw

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