UPJOKE
thereforesinceconsequentlythathencetheneitherwhatevernothoweverneveralsomoreovercausalcause

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

we know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. but why did 7 eat 9?

he wanted to have 3 squared meals a day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Because Nintendo's beloved character is Japanese, Mario is his LAST name. His first name?

Itsume.

I broke up with my boyfriend because he couldn't get an erection.

There were no hard feelings.

The firemen wouldn't come save my cat from a tree because it isn't an emergency

So I set the tree on fire.

My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

WW1: Because someone shot an Austrian

WW2: Because someone didn’t shoot an Austrian

My wife left me because

Of my obsession with Linkin Park.


But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

I talk a lot about women in my jokes, because let's face it –

if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name "School"

If we renamed all education centres as "Uterus" then republicans might actually care about what's inside them.

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

I told my son I couldn't make curry one night because we didn't have flatbread.He asked why?

I told him it was a naan issue.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”

“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection I’ve got thousands!”

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would've asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I can’t stop singing “I’m A Believer”

I thought she was joking at first.

And then I saw her face…

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
.
.

We only have one star.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

A lot a people say I'm a terrible father because I feed the kids frozen food all the time

They're wrong, I heat it up first.

"Honey, do you remember this morning when I ran all over the place because I was so happy I found my keys again?"

"Erm yeah, was hard to miss, why?"
"... any idea where I could have put them afterwards?"

I just quit my job in the helium factory because of the way management spoke to me.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Because the punchline gets spoiled early.

Why is this time travel joke not funny?

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Last night my wife said she was divorcing me because I am always mixing up colors

This came out of the yellow

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

I told my boss that I had to take a sick day because my eyes hurt.

I couldn't see myself going.

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.”

— Abraham Lincoln

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

WWI started because an Austrian guy was killed...

And WWll started because an Austrian guy wasn't

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he's not big enough.

How mean is that...making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone?!

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm sorry." The Judge asked Tony Stark. "You want to divorce Mrs. Potts because she's a tad weird?"

"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

Everybody picks on me because apparently my “memory is so bad”

But I cannot remember the last time I forgot something.

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

Someone tried to fight me because I bought the last steak.

I told him, "I don't have any beef with you."

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type

She kept saying "be positive " but it's going to be hard when she's not around

Pearl Jam tried to warn us about Ticketmaster in the Nineties. We didn't listen.

Probably because we couldn't understand what Eddie Vedder was saying.

I was late to a family dinner because I was attending an important call

Nature's.

left my gf because she got fat

"but I'm pregnant" there is always an excuse

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

My friend got upset at me because I said that Jathan is a weird name.

He was like "are you THERIOUTH right now?"

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

I decided to slap the salami today because I was bored

Needless to say I was fired from my job at the butcher shop for forgetting to wear gloves

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.

When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.

The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.

"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"

"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
<...

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

Joke from my 8 year old daughter for Halloween.

Why didn’t the ghost like to take showers?



Because it would dampen his spirits.

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

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“I left your cheating ass because you’re not half the man he is” she said

“Funny, I cheated because she was about half the woman you are” he said

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

Yo mama is so fat that…

She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

So, my girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

Why is Dark spelt with a “K” and not “C” at the end?

Because you cannot C in the dark

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

Why are ghosts always sad?

Because they’re going through things

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

My longtime girlfriend broke things off because she said I was “too competitive…”

I don’t know what that means but I know who won the “I love you more” game.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

People get weirded out because I talk to myself a lot,

I just want to have an intelligent conversation..

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my first marriage didn't work out because my wife was too messy

Every time I went to piss in the sink she had dishes in it.

My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.

That was not what I predicted

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A man walks into a pet shop looking for a new bird

He sees a parrot in a cage with a tag reading "$10", the man asks, "why is he so cheap?", he then heard "Because I'm defective, I've got no legs." Surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the b...

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Because he sucks.

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I asked my wife why she married me.

I asked my wife why she married me.

She said “Because you are funny.”

I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”

She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

The Best Son.

Three brothers are waiting for their mother at the airport. One says I'm the best son because I got her a new car! The second one says I'm the best son because I got her a new TV!. The third one says I'm the best son because she's lonely so I got her a parrot to talk to.

The mother gets off...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

Why are white prison gangs the scariest?

Because they had a fair trial and still ended up in prison

I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

My wife left me because she said I’m insecure.

No, no. Wait. Here she comes. She just went to the bathroom.

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Why did Peanut butter not open the door for the Jelly?...

Because it was already ajar.

(Sorry, I'm a dad.)

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because, if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

Everyone thinks pound cake is called "pound cake" because of the ingredients

But it's actually named after the place it was invented, "Pound Town",

You know, where your mom lives.

Why was my post removed?

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”






The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

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I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone...

and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

My wife is leaving me because I’m balding

It’s fine.. it’s “hair” loss.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?

Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum

why Elon musk is A true Edison of our time ?

Because He found a way to milk Nicolai after he has been long in the grave, too

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

Who won the race between the priest and the nun?

It was the priest, because he "pastor" a while back.

I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.

Why do chinese people love playing Among Us ?

Because thats the only place they can vote

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on what movie to watch and pizza to order

And then I picked the movie and pizza I wanted because I'm the one with the money.

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

I missed work today because I pulled a groin

Not mine - someone else’s. He punched me and now I have a bloody nose.

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

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-Sir, there are people protesting our products outside because of our animal testing.

-I'm tired of all this hypocrisy …big pharma and cosmetics test their products on animals all the time…
-Yes sir, but we make dildos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

25 years ago, my wife was attracted to me because I was ripped and had a 6-pack

Now she tells me I have a quarter barrel.

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

I tried suing the airport because they lost my luggage

My lawyer keeps saying I’ve already lost my case

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

I pulled my kid out of pre-school because they were indoctrinating him into a socialist liberal mindset

Today, his teacher was teaching him how to share.

They've already had to recall the Nancy Reagan stamps because they don't stick to the envelope

Everyone is spitting on the wrong side.

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend broke up with me because she wanted to focus more on her work

Turns out she’s a sex worker.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

If we rated Subreddits on eco friendliness, r/jokes would be the cleanest

Because around 99% of the content is recycled

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