The 78+ Best Nose Jokes

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meters.

Some jokes just don't translate well.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose...?

Full..

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Pulled out a nose hair yesterday afternoon to see if it hurt….

judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus it seems pretty painful ….

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows

Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Ever heard of Adolph the Brown-nosed reindeer?

His brakes don’t work

Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job?

He didn't like the bill.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

I hate having to pick my nose....

But my plastic surgeon says I have to choose one from the catalog or he'll cancel the operation.

Whenever I pick my nose...

>!I'm the boogeyman. !<

My girlfriend doesn't typically like kissing, so instead I tried rubbing my nose on hers...

...And I think she Inuit

What unit of measurement is used on a nose?

Scentimeters!

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

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What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-nose?

Depth perception.

Did you see that guy with the nose?

He looks like he smells.

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

My dog doesn't have a nose.

How does he smell? one might ask.

Awful.

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

"My GF said picking my nose is disgusting", a man told his friend. "So what?" his friend replied.

The guy answered "Now I have to do it myself"

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

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What’s the difference between a nose and an anus?

Nothing, they both smell and you wipe them between the cheeks when they get runny.

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

Noses are meant to smell and feet are meant to run, but irl…

Noses run and feet smell instead… they switch rolls

Sadly

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny

you may think it's funny but it's snot

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

Did you hear about the man who blows his nose and interprets the snot as prophecies?

His name is Nostrildamus

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
...

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot

Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.

Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

You can pick your nose and you can pick your husband,

But you can't blow your husband in public.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

I heard my buddy talking with a blocked nose and he seemed to be in pain

I asked him "What's wrong with your nose?"
He said "I got a seenus problem", with a nasally voice.
I said, "Sinus. You mean sinus?"
He said "No, seenus. I was bangin' this chick and her husband came home and he seen us."

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

Where does a nose go to work?

Down at the ol’ factory.

Why did the smiley emoji :-) drop the nose :) ???

It was too negative.

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I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

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There’s 2 types of people in this world…those that pick their nose…

And fucking liars

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

Why does Jack Skellington's pet dog have a bright, shiny nose?

Because he's a boo's hound.

You call it a nose ring,

I call it Nasal Drip.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

If your nose runs and your feet smell

You were built upside down

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

You know, people say they pick their nose

But I feel like I was just born with mine

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

Clarence the brown-nosed reindeer.

He was right behind Rudolf, he could fly just as fast as him, but could never stop as quick as Rudolf.

For goodness sake you've had your nose in that book all day long, why?

I lost my bookmark

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

What do protestors and people with big noses have in common?

They both know how to picket.

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

Why do elephants have long noses?

So they can scratch their bag

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