UPJOKE
snoutnostrilbeaknasal cavitysmellfrontnozzlenuzzlescentmouthforeheadpokehooterfacepug nose

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

Noses are meant to smell and feet are meant to run, but irl…

Noses run and feet smell instead… they switch rolls

Sadly

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what do you call a guy with a condom on his nose?

The Fuck knows

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose...?

Full..

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot you idiot.

What do you call a man without a body or a nose?

nobodynose

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.



Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

You can pick your nose and you can pick your husband,

But you can't blow your husband in public

Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny

you may think it's funny but it's snot

Where does a nose go to work?

Down at the ol’ factory.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

A: My dog has no nose.

B: How does he smell?

A: Awful.

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There’s 2 types of people in this world…those that pick their nose…

And fucking liars

Pinocchio's nose has started working in reverse

Huge, if true

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

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Man walks in to a bar with a nose shaped like a cock.

Barman says "Why the Schlong face"

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

Why does Jack Skellington's pet dog have a bright, shiny nose?

Because he's a boo's hound.

Why did the smiley emoji :-) drop the nose :) ???

It was too negative.

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows


Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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The Amish

An Amish woman and her 18 year old daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs,
the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands...

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A nun is walking down the street at night ...

And sees a drunk man staggering her way. She silently asks "please God, protect this poor soul". The drunk staggers closer, then out of nowhere punches the nun square in the nose! She drops, then slowly gets up and says "please God, forgive this man, it's the alcohol demon over him". She gets to he...

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meter!



Some jokes just don't translate well.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

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The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

You know, people say they pick their nose

But I feel like I was just born with mine

You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

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There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds.

There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds. He could feel it coming 15 seconds before it actually happens. So one day, Billy walks into class and sits at a desk, waiting for the teacher and other students to come to class. A religious kid comes to class and sits next to Billy. Then the t...

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

Three men at the pearly gates....

Three men have died and arrive together in the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first man "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man proudly answers "Not once in 40 years of marriage"

"You are a good man" St Peter tells him. "Here are the keys to your brand new Porsche. " He...

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

Did you know that if your nose runs and your feet smell…

You’re built upside down.

A blond goes to the doctors and explains ‘everywhere on my body hurts real bad’ . So the doc says ‘please show me where’. So she’s touches her elbow , ouch ! Touches her knee , oh it hurts , touches her nose , oh my that hurts !

The doctor reply’s , no wonder you are blond .. your finger is broken !!

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

Two fetuses sit in their moms uterus.

One of them wears a scarf, hat and gloves. His twin asks him why he’s dressed like that. He answers:
“l don’t want to catch a cold like the red nosed guy who pops in here all the time and drips snot!”

For goodness sake you've had your nose in that book all day long, why?

I lost my bookmark

What do protestors and people with big noses have in common?

They both know how to picket.

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to ...

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to t...

My wife asked me to wake her up with a facial tomorrow morning

7 a.m. on the nose.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

Why do elephants have long noses?

So they can scratch their bag

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Clarence the brown-nosed reindeer.

He was right behind Rudolf, he could fly just as fast as him, but could never stop as quick as Rudolf.

The pug

A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."

His buddy asks, "What breed?"

"It's a pug, the guys says. "And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."

An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She UNLOADS on the doctor. "Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They're all telling me I fart all the time, and it's just plain rude of them!

"Oh really?" The doctor says.

"YEAH! They're ALL silent so I have no idea why they'd point them out. On top of all that, for them t...

Where does an elephant pack his clothes when he goes on vacation?

Why if elephants wore clothes, they'd pack them in a suitcase of course....What did you expect me to say something ludicrous like he stuffs them up his nose?

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

I don’t understand people who say they cannot wear masks because of their big nose

I wear my underwear everyday and don’t complain

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

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My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up abou...

The people who wear their masks below their nose actually makes sense...

They're just dumb mouth breathers

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My dog has no nose. (Rehash)

I got this dog, but he ain't got no nose.
And I can't help but feel sorry for him.
Cause he's such a nice dog, and he just wants to make friends.
But when he sniffs another dog's ass he makes them real uncomfortable.
Cause he's like, way up in there ya know?
The lady dogs seem to like...

A man has serious a Gas Problem.

Then he came to visit a doctor, saying he has a serious problem, but every time he farts there is no noise and Smell.

Then added " i have farted 20 times while talking to you"
Then doctor prescribed some medicine and said to visit him after 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks, he came to visit t...

Couldn't sleep at all last night, just lay there listening to my wife's nose whistle.

Really wish she'd practice it somewhere else.

At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.

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