What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Ofcourse you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

Boy, do I hate nose jokes!

Good thing this is *snot* one

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

Why is it that when two dogs meet they first do nose and then ass?

First name, last name!

Why can't a nose be 12 inches?

Because then it would be a foot!

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

What does a near sighted gynecologist and a new puppy have in common?

A wet nose!

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

What do you find in a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

What has wings, but cannot fly? What can run, but has no legs?

The nose.

What would happen if you had a 12 inch nose?

It would be a foot. Except, nothing would change, really. They both smell and run.

I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks

He was an E.N.Tree surgeon

How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

I did a nose operation today

It snot funny

Nose jokes stink

But eye jokes are cornea

What exercise does a nose do when it ‘catches’a cold?

It starts RUNNING

How does Keanu Reeves motivate his nose?

He says "You are breathtaking"

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?

*A: Nostalgia!*

I thought I had something in my nose

But when I looked in the mirror there was snot

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

What happens when your nose falls off?

You as-Sphinx-iate!

I’ll show myself out.

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

Where does the nose work?

Down at the ol'factory.

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

what do you see in a cows nose?

moooooogers

When your nose is a-runny, and you're out with your honey, don't think it's funny...

...Cuz it's snot.

I played "I've got your nose" with a clown

... but the police caught me red handed

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

My nose gets clogged and unclogged periodically

It's sinusoidal

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink

Bartender says; I cant serve you, your already off your face

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

What do you call the long part of your nose?

The hypotenose

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

When your nose is really runny everybody thinks it's funny

But it'snot.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

If your nose is running and your feet smell..

You are upside down...

My daughter said her nose is running.

So I made a finish line by the door.

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

What has three eyes, two noses, and a tail?

Antivax baby.

When your nose goes on strike.....

Picket

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

Little Johnny comes to class with a swollen nose..

Teacher " what happened ?"

Little Johny : I tried to smell a brose .

Teacher : there is no 'b' in a rose.

Little Johnny : well there was one in the one I smelled.

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You know you have a small pp when

..when you run into a wall with a boner and break your nose first.

A small part of me really enjoys picking my nose...

Can always rely on that trusty pinky finger.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

Told my friend his nose was runny

He said it’s not

My nose is exhausted

It's been running all day.

Thanks Dad.

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

I feel like my nose is bleeding.

It's snot though.

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

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A man was arrested for ejaculating out his nose

But he did nutting wrong

There are two kinds of people in the World. People who pick their nose,

and liars

There used to be a girl nicknamed Rudolph at my school, not because she had a red nose...

...but because she used to go down in history.

I keep blowing my nose

My friend is telling me it’s a cold but I keep telling him it snot.

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