I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

That will make it a foot.

Nose jokes stink

But eye jokes are cornea

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody nose

My nose is too big.

It can run but it can't hide.

Some people say they pick their nose

I think I was just born with mine.

What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

Full

My nose is on strike

I have to picket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend suggested that I should get a nose job

But I just can't see my cock fitting into anyone's nostril

What's in a ghosts nose?

Boo-gers

(Courtesy of my three year old)

What do you call a blind person with a nose that is sensitive enough to smell drugs?

Happily employed.

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Ofcourse you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

What do you find in a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

What would happen if you had a 12 inch nose?

It would be a foot. Except, nothing would change, really. They both smell and run.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

Why is it that when two dogs meet they first do nose and then ass?

First name, last name!

Boy, do I hate nose jokes!

Good thing this is *snot* one

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?

*A: Nostalgia!*

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

How does Keanu Reeves motivate his nose?

He says "You are breathtaking"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it.

Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.

The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.

It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.

I raced down the stairs and called...

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

I played "I've got your nose" with a clown

... but the police caught me red handed

I did a nose operation today

It snot funny

What happens when your nose falls off?

You as-Sphinx-iate!

I’ll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s one my biology teacher told in class.

There are three moles digging a hole. There’s a daddy mole, a mommy mole, and a baby mole. The daddy mole stops digging and sticks his nose in the air and says “it smells like pancakes!”
Then, the mommy mole sticks her nose in the air and says “it smells like bacon!”
Then the baby mole sighs ...

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

I thought I had something in my nose

But when I looked in the mirror there was snot

When your nose is a-runny, and you're out with your honey, don't think it's funny...

...Cuz it's snot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

Where does the nose work?

Down at the ol'factory.

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

what do you see in a cows nose?

moooooogers

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

My nose gets clogged and unclogged periodically

It's sinusoidal

What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?

A wet nose

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink

Bartender says; I cant serve you, your already off your face

Why do pigs have a ring through their nose?

To make pulled pork.

When your nose is really runny everybody thinks it's funny

But it'snot.

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

A small part of me really enjoys picking my nose...

Can always rely on that trusty pinky finger.

What has three eyes, two noses, and a tail?

Antivax baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

If your nose is running and your feet smell..

You are upside down...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

What do you call the long part of your nose?

The hypotenose

My daughter said her nose is running.

So I made a finish line by the door.

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

What did the hooker say to the dwarf??

Keep your nose out of my business!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar..

They sit down together and order some pints.
As they're about to take their first drink a fly lands in each of their mugs.
The Englishman turns up his nose in disgust and pushes his mug away.. muttering to himself as he orders another pint.
The Irishman fishes the fly out, kisses it on the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy can't get hard

He hasnt been able to have sex and its really starting to bother him.
He asks a friend what to do

Friend " I had the same problem"
Guy "what do I do?"
Friend "finger your wife before sex and sniff you fingers, the more you do the harder you will get."

That night the guy tries ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

Told my friend his nose was runny

He said it’s not

What is brown and sticky?

The prime minister of Ukraine's nose

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

A blind man went to a restaurant.

“Menu sir?” asked the owner.



“I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.”



The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.



The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath, “Yes...

Little Johnny comes to class with a swollen nose..

Teacher " what happened ?"

Little Johny : I tried to smell a brose .

Teacher : there is no 'b' in a rose.

Little Johnny : well there was one in the one I smelled.

A guy is tossing peanuts in the air...

A guy is tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth and his wife asks him a question. He turns to answer her question and the peanut he just tossed lands in his ear and gets stuck.

He and his wife spend a short period of time trying to get it out and decide maybe they should...

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.