You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?

Because it's the scenter

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

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What do you call a duck without a nose?

A duck. They don’t have noses. They have beaks.

What do you call a dog without a nose?




Whatever his name is. Don’t be a jerk and call him names because he has no nose.

What do cannibals use to clean their noses?

Nose tissue.

I once lied in biology class and told everyone I could touch the tiny hairs in my nose - They all laughed.

I'd never felt cilia.

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

Why can't our nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.

Ivanka recently got a nose job.

When she asked her fathers opinion he said “Fake Nose!”

A man returned home with a bloody nose

His wife asked, "What happened? Why are you beaten up?"

The man said, "I was in the elevator, and I farted."

The wife was furious, "What is wrong with society? Someone punched you because you farted?"

The man winced, "no... because I glared accusingly at the guy beside me so no ...

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If your sex doll gets a runny nose, it's not because she's sick

Its because she's full

Saw the ticket inspector on my train ignoring passengers and picking her nose.

I reported her for gross missed conduct.

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, pleas...

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

Imagine if honey was regurgitated through a bee’s nose rather than it’s mouth

Then it really would be the bee’s sneeze

My dog doesn't have a nose

"How does he smell?"

"Terrible"

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Feet are for running, and noses are for smelling, but . . .

my feet smell and my nose runs.

What do you call a man with no legs and a really big nose?

An amputee.

My nose is like all the boys I make eye contact with-

It started running and won’t stop.

What bear always has a runny nose?

A drizzly bear.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Yesterday I went to the supermarket, had a stuffy nose when an old lady asked me:

“Are you sick?”

“No, it’s just cocaine”

She looked at me and replied:

“Thank god young men”

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If a kiss-ass is called "brown nose,"

Would a drunk kiss-ass be called "shit-face?"

When I was baptised, the priest wore a fake nose, moustache and pair of glasses.

It was a blessing in disguise.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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What do you call an Italian with a golden shower sex fetish and a long nose?

Peenocchio

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.

Randolf the brown nosed reindeer,

he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.

Where's the best place to go to pick your nose?

Plastic Surgeon

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Why do noses run and feet smell?

I don't know, but my ass itches and my finger stinks.

Where do noses work at?

The ol' factory

I need to get myself an electric nose hair trimmer

Scissors just won't cut it anymore :/

What did one electron say to the other electron that was picking its nose?

You repulse me in so many ways

TIL the scientific name for mucus in your nose is nasal ejaculent

No it's snot

I was picking my nose and my wife said it was disgusting!

She’s not a big fan of plastic surgery.

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

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A blind man went to a restaurant.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned p...

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Yesterday I hit my face on the door and yelled “I think I have a bloody nose!”

My British friend got upset and said “I know you have a nose dumbass.”

Did You Ever Hear About Christopher, The Brown-Nosed Reindeer?

He could run just as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as quick...

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Contrary to your body not feeling good while you are sick, your nose must feel the best ever.

Because it keeps on running.

Did you know you can not breath through nose when you smile

Haha I just made you smile

To all the people who put antlers and a nose on their car:

You can't fool me, I know that's a car

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer died today over Barcelona. He was struck by a flock of seagulls and a 747.

Eyewitnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Nose jokes stink

But eye jokes are cornea

Why do gorillas have such big noses?

Because they’ve got big fingers!

doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.

doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.

doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.

doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.

What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

Ran into a Chinese guy on the street with his car up on a jack and a bloody nose.

He was trying to change a flat tire. I asked him what had happened and he told me in broken English that he had tried to borrow some tools from the house across the street and the husband attacked him. I asked him what he said to the man that made him so angry.

He said:

"I told him I ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

I've got my mother's eyes and my father's nose

I think my brother got the better deal, he got left their house and money.

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

My nose is too big.

It can run but it can't hide.

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

Some people say they pick their nose

I think I was just born with mine.

I hate blowing my nose!

It really annoys the snot out of me.

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

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The Difference Between Poetry and Prose

An English teacher was explaining the differences of poetry and prose to her class.

“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”

“This is an example of poetry, but if I wanted to change it to prose I would say, ‘the l...

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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.

Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose.

Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?"

She says she doesn't know.

He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!"

The teacher, surprised by th...

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A friend suggested that I should get a nose job

But I just can't see my cock fitting into anyone's nostril

What's in a ghosts nose?

Boo-gers

(Courtesy of my three year old)

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

What do you call a blind person with a nose that is sensitive enough to smell drugs?

Happily employed.

My nose is on strike

I have to picket.

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

So I was at a party some years ago with my new watch.

Unfortunately while I was there I found that ny watch had been stolen. I searched the party for hours trying to find, I was going completely mad. As the party started to wind down I began to lose hope of ever finding. Until I saw some douchebag harassing a some random girl, he was grabbing her arm, ...

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible problem

“Doctor, I think I have a problem with my farts. I can pass really loud gas, but no smell would come out of them.”

“That sounds serious. Can you try letting one out now?”

So the man farts, and true to his word, it’s so loud that the exam room’s windows even vibrate.

“Just as I f...

I've been spending a lot of time trying to come up with a way to wear my mask incorrectly.

I feel like the answer has been right under my nose this whole time.

(Edit: i actually think it would actually be worded better as "i finally found a way to wear my mask incorrectly")

A young man drives to his friend with a new Porsche

The friend is surprised and wants to know how he got the cool car.

He replies: "So I was taken by a woman as a hitchhiker. Suddenly she stops at a rest area, pulls her panties down, wags it in front of my nose and tells me that I can now have everything I want from her. Said , done. And here ...

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

A woman plans to pay her sister a visit. They haven't seen one another for years, since her sister moved to New York.

"So, Rebecca- what's the best way I should find your apartment?"

"Well, Miriam it's real easy. When you leave the subway you'll see the great big tower-block, the one with the revolving glass-door to your immediate right. Give it a shove with your foot and scuttle inside while it's turning. S...

Boy, do I hate nose jokes!

Good thing this is *snot* one

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

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Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

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An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman joke.

New here, so not sure if this is a repost.


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgu...

Why is it that when two dogs meet they first do nose and then ass?

First name, last name!

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

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