When you pick your nose it's ok but when someone else does it it's disgusting.

Pick your own nose.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

Nose jokes stink

But eye jokes are cornea

doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.

doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.

doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.

doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.

I hate blowing my nose!

It really annoys the snot out of me.

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

My nose is too big.

It can run but it can't hide.

Some people say they pick their nose

I think I was just born with mine.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

What's in a ghosts nose?

Boo-gers

(Courtesy of my three year old)

What do you call a blind person with a nose that is sensitive enough to smell drugs?

Happily employed.

I've got my mother's eyes and my father's nose

I think my brother got the better deal, he got left their house and money.

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

My nose is on strike

I have to picket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend suggested that I should get a nose job

But I just can't see my cock fitting into anyone's nostril

You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Ofcourse you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

A man visits the doctor, telling him, “When I touch my knee, it hurts, when I touch my arm, it hurts, when I touch my nose, it hurts.”

The doctor says, “Well of course that all hurts, your finger is broken!”

A polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency breaks he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.

The enraged pilot told the reporters later on "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the hell would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?"

Why is the nose in the middle of your face?

Because its the scenter

I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

My nose is itching, could you please scratch it

>!Ahh... feels good, thanks for the scratch!<

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

What do you find in a clean nose?

Fingerprints.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse...

Why is it that when two dogs meet they first do nose and then ass?

First name, last name!

Boy, do I hate nose jokes!

Good thing this is *snot* one

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?

IT’S A LIIIEEEE!!

What would happen if you had a 12 inch nose?

It would be a foot. Except, nothing would change, really. They both smell and run.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

I met a surgeon who operated on ears, noses and oaks

He was an E.N.Tree surgeon

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel?

*A: Nostalgia!*

I did a nose operation today

It snot funny

Woman: Doc, I’m farting constantly! No smell and no sound. Since I came in, I must have farted at least 20 times. I bet you never noticed?!

Doctor: I got it, I got it.
I’ll write you a prescription for some medicine. Come back next week.
A week later
Woman: Doc, What the hell did you give me? Now my farts are still silent but they reek like hell!!
Doctor: Perfect! Your stuffy nose is all better. Now we just need to tak...

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So three guys are hanging out in their basement,

The first guys says, "Hey, I have a pretty small head, I reckon I have the smallest head."

The second guy goes, "I've got a pretty small nose, I think I may have the smallest nose."

The third guy says, "You know, I think I have the smallest dick."

So the next morning all three o...

What is green and races out of your nose at 200 MPH?

A Lambooghini!

What shows a nose is on strike?

A pick-it sign

What happens when your nose falls off?

You as-Sphinx-iate!

I’ll show myself out.

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

I played "I've got your nose" with a clown

... but the police caught me red handed

I thought I had something in my nose

But when I looked in the mirror there was snot

When your nose is a-runny, and you're out with your honey, don't think it's funny...

...Cuz it's snot.

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.”

Doctor: “You have a broken finger.”

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

Where does the nose work?

Down at the ol'factory.

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

When your nose is really runny everybody thinks it's funny

But it'snot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s one my biology teacher told in class.

There are three moles digging a hole. There’s a daddy mole, a mommy mole, and a baby mole. The daddy mole stops digging and sticks his nose in the air and says “it smells like pancakes!”
Then, the mommy mole sticks her nose in the air and says “it smells like bacon!”
Then the baby mole sighs ...

what do you see in a cows nose?

moooooogers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

English Class

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,

Whose fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,

The lamb was sure to go."

The teacher explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to p...

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

My nose gets clogged and unclogged periodically

It's sinusoidal

The stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend and asks for advice.

The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask...

Today I learned where plastic surgeons get new noses for their patients...

At the olfactory.

Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink

Bartender says; I cant serve you, your already off your face

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple driving home run over a badger.....

they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.

Husband says "put it between your legs and warm it up".

Wife replies "but it's all wet and it stinks".

Husband replies "well hold the badgers fucking nose then"

What do a dog and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common?

A wet nose

So this is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree...

Santa Claus was in a very bad mood. All the reindeer had colds,Rudolph's nose went out. The elves screwed up most of the toys. Mrs. Claus was nagging him and she burnt the Christmas cookies. Just when he hooks his brand new red suit on a nail hanging out of the wall he told an elf to pound in a wee...

What do you call the long part of your nose?

The hypotenose

A small part of me really enjoys picking my nose...

Can always rely on that trusty pinky finger.

Told my friend his nose was runny

He said it’s not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

What do you call a deaf guy with three legs, two noses, four ears, and a unibrow?

It doesn't matter, he isn't gonna hear you.

What has three eyes, two noses, and a tail?

Antivax baby.

My daughter said her nose is running.

So I made a finish line by the door.

Good Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How doe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A VERY elderly wealthy man and a gold digging show girl get married in Las Vegas.

She figures that she will show him such a good time on their wedding night that he won't survive and then she will inherit his fortune.

They get to their honeymoon suite and the show girl announces that she is going into the bathroom to freshen up. She comes out wearing a sexy little outfit t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

"Hey guys, who wants to hear a blonde joke?", says a blind man after settling himself down on a stool in a bar. The question was met with dead silence.

After a few seconds pause, the bartender walks up to the blind fella and puts his face right up to his nose and says, in a deep menacing voice:

"I'm blond, and I don't appreciate blonde jokes. My wife is right next to me, she's blonde and she doesn't appreciate blonde jokes either. And best o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

Little Johnny comes to class with a swollen nose..

Teacher " what happened ?"

Little Johny : I tried to smell a brose .

Teacher : there is no 'b' in a rose.

Little Johnny : well there was one in the one I smelled.

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