Nose Jokes - 77 Hilarious Nose Jokes

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meters.

Some jokes just don't translate well.

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

I blow my nose like I owe it money..

But it runs like the opposite is true.

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

A nose walks into a bar

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already off your face."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to h...

What do you call it when you find a nose just by itself, with no victim to be found?

No-body nose (sound it out)

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose...?

Full..

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

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What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-nose?

Depth perception.

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.

Whenever I pick my nose...

>!I'm the boogeyman. !<

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

Did you hear about the duck who got a nose job?

He didn't like the bill.

I hate having to pick my nose....

But my plastic surgeon says I have to choose one from the catalog or he'll cancel the operation.

What unit of measurement is used on a nose?

Scentimeters!

My dog doesn't have a nose.

How does he smell? one might ask.

Awful.

You've seen the people who wear their mask under their nose incorrectly?

The mask works because they are mouth breathers!

"My GF said picking my nose is disgusting", a man told his friend. "So what?" his friend replied.

The guy answered "Now I have to do it myself"

Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

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What’s the difference between a nose and an anus?

Nothing, they both smell and you wipe them between the cheeks when they get runny.

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
...

Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny

you may think it's funny but it's snot

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot

Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

Did you see that guy with the nose?

He looks like he smells.

Did you hear about the man who blows his nose and interprets the snot as prophecies?

His name is Nostrildamus

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.

Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

You can pick your nose and you can pick your husband,

But you can't blow your husband in public.

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I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.

Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,...

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

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There are two people making phone calls, a prostitute looking to modernize her business and a guy with a very large nose looking for a doctor.

The guy picks up the phone and calls a doctor from the phone book. “Hey do you guys do nose jobs?…No?…Okay.”
He hangs up.
The woman gets a call, she picks up the phone and introduces herself. The caller asks if she does foot jobs. “No that’s disgusting!” She replies. “Don’t ever call here aga...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Why did the smiley emoji :-) drop the nose :) ???

It was too negative.

Where does a nose go to work?

Down at the ol’ factory.

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

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There’s 2 types of people in this world…those that pick their nose…

And fucking liars

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There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds.

There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds. He could feel it coming 15 seconds before it actually happens. So one day, Billy walks into class and sits at a desk, waiting for the teacher and other students to come to class. A religious kid comes to class and sits next to Billy. Then the t...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

Why does Jack Skellington's pet dog have a bright, shiny nose?

Because he's a boo's hound.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

For goodness sake you've had your nose in that book all day long, why?

I lost my bookmark

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

You know, people say they pick their nose

But I feel like I was just born with mine

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it’s a snowman’s nose!!

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

If your nose runs and your feet smell

You were built upside down

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

I don’t understand people who say they cannot wear masks because of their big nose

I wear my underwear everyday and don’t complain

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.

Couldn't sleep at all last night, just lay there listening to my wife's nose whistle.

Really wish she'd practice it somewhere else.

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