UPJOKE
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Did you ever hear about the guy who could see the future when he picked his nose?

His name was Nostrildamus.

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

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What's the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-nose?

Depth perception.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?

Because it'd be a foot.

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fcuking painful.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

What do you call somebody with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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What’s the difference between a nose and an anus?

Nothing, they both smell and you wipe them between the cheeks when they get runny.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Noses are meant to smell and feet are meant to run, but irl…

Noses run and feet smell instead… they switch rolls

Sadly

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What’s the difference between an ass kisser and a brown nosed?

Depth perception

Did you hear about the man who blows his nose and interprets the snot as prophecies?

His name is Nostrildamus

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

Just because you have a big nose doesn't mean you shouldn't wear a mask

I mean, I still wear underwear.



Saw this on a church billboard a year ago.

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Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

A man told his friend "My girl friend said picking my nose is disgusting" "So what, answered his friend"

The man answered "Now I have to do it myself"

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalog

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A Cambridge graduate and an Oxford graduate meet at a cocktail party...

After they've been talking for a while, the Cambridge graduate says to the Oxford graduate,

"You know, I can tell you're an Oxford graduate by your charm, your intellect, your sophistication, and your worldly wisdom."

The Oxford graduate smiles and responds,

"Thank you. You know...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Cured!

A lady sees the doctor to complain about her flatulences. „Doctor, I have these huge flatulences. Although they don’t smell they’re bothering me.“ The doctor gives her some pills to swallow and asks her to show up next week. After a week the lady returns: „What pills did you give me? My farts stink ...

Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny

you may think it's funny but it's snot

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!

A man falls into the water and a large fish swiftly approaches him, teeth first.

A man falls into the water and a large fish swiftly approaches him, teeth first.

The man kicks it in the nose.

"Ouch!" the fish cried. "You didn't have to do that! All I wanted was to give you something."

He doesn't trust talking fish. "What did you expect in return?"

"O...

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Tired

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks on the front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding...

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers

My 8 year old told me this one, i told him it was snot funny.

You can pick your nose and you can pick your husband,

But you can't blow your husband in public.

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There are two people making phone calls, a prostitute looking to modernize her business and a guy with a very large nose looking for a doctor.

The guy picks up the phone and calls a doctor from the phone book. “Hey do you guys do nose jobs?…No?…Okay.”
He hangs up.
The woman gets a call, she picks up the phone and introduces herself. The caller asks if she does foot jobs. “No that’s disgusting!” She replies. “Don’t ever call here aga...

A: My dog has no nose.

B: How does he smell?

A: Awful.

What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the lit...

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows


Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

This morning I couldn't find my moustache...

it was under my nose the whole time.

Where does a nose go to work?

Down at the ol’ factory.

You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters?

Because then it would be .3048 Meter!



Some jokes just don't translate well.

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

A British man says "I've got a bloody nose!!!"

His friends reply "yeah, we all do".

Another short joke from Sunny

Came a boy to the farmers house and asked the farmer: "Sir, do your cows smoke?"The farmer replyed: "no usually they dont" Then the boy scratched his nose and said: "well i guess your barn is on fire then"

I ran into a wall with a full erection this morning

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

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Man walks in to a bar with a nose shaped like a cock.

Barman says "Why the Schlong face"

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There’s 2 types of people in this world…those that pick their nose…

And fucking liars

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Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

A joke told to me by a doctor in a hospital elevator

What are the three rules of proctology?

>!1) Don't shake hands!<

>!2) No finger foods!<

>!3) Don't pick your nose!<

Pinocchio's nose has started working in reverse

Huge, if true

What happens when Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer gets on the mic?

He sleighs.

Why does Jack Skellington's pet dog have a bright, shiny nose?

Because he's a boo's hound.

Why did the smiley emoji :-) drop the nose :) ???

It was too negative.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches

Coz then it would be a foot


Yea I'm an expert at dad jokes but am not dat funny

Little Johnny’s neighbour

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears. When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ...

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A blind man goes to a restaurant...

"Menu sir?" asks the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order."
The confused owner goes to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returns to the blind man.
The blind man smells the fork with a deep breath, "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoe...

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

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There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds.

There was a kid named Billy who always had nose bleeds. He could feel it coming 15 seconds before it actually happens. So one day, Billy walks into class and sits at a desk, waiting for the teacher and other students to come to class. A religious kid comes to class and sits next to Billy. Then the t...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...

Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway

If your nose runs and your feet smell

You were built upside down

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

You know, people say they pick their nose

But I feel like I was just born with mine

A doctor approaches a woman on the street.

He says "I do plastic surgery, would you like a coupon for a nose job?"
She slaps him in the face and says "No, you pervert! And what the hell is plastic surgery??"

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

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