When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

"you mean a choir?"

Fine... How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments

edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

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How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.


Edit: *Father


Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around...

129 bugs in the code.

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.

I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

I always knock on the fridge before I open it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

You've really got to hand it to short people....

Because they can't reach for it anyways.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room

What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into b...

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady:Whats that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
...

What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

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It's getting chilly!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."


The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her

...you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

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It takes a lot of courage to shave using a cutthroat blade. I used to shave my privates using one.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

A guy was wondering what it's like being a suicide bomber.

I said "C4 yourself"

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.

Then I realized I hate country music.

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out on me. I just sat there.

I love watching the end credits.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

My dentist removed the wrong tooth.

It was accidental.

At the last supper, Jesus said: "Eat bread, it is my flesh. Drink wine, it is my blood...."

but when he said "Try the Mayonnaise..." everyone left....

What do you call it when you murder a friend?

A homiecide.

It must suck to have two dads

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom".

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The olde...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, Ill bring my MP5

What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.

In a religion that person is dead.

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my wife last night...

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…

The servers are currently down...

I was asked if I would accept $100,000 if it meant that the person I hated the most got $200,000.

I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with six meters of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner.

It took me four bloody hours!

TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

What's the fastest liquid on Earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

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