A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

What is it called when your neither a grower or a shower

Unfortunate

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Do you pronounce it neither or neither?

Neither

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

The truth is that its neither love nor money that makes the world go round

It’s F=G(m1m2)/r^2

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Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?

Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

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Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic

What? Why are you expecting a “but”?

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

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Do you know what causes autism?

No you don't. Neither does a fucking antivaxxer!

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Neither, they are illegal aliens.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods....

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

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There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

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A nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!"

The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewh...

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A couple go to a marriage counselor. The counselor says “let start off with something you have in common”.

The husband says “ neither one of us like to suck cock”

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I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have sex with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident

It's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign fro...

Did you hear about the clever statement President Trump made?

Neither did anyone else.

Have you ever heard of an italian vampire?

Neither have i #garlicPower

An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count...

The doctor gave him a sample pot and said:

"Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained:

"Y...

What does my girlfriend and Wyoming have in common?

Neither of them exist

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A Comedian Once Told Me..

“ Whenever the audience doesn’t react to your jokes, there are two ways to get them to laugh. First, say motherfucker for no reason at all. Aloud. Awkward silence. If this doesn’t work, tell them a dick joke. Shove imaginary cylindrical object into your mouth like you are giving a blowjob. If neithe...

Fortnite is like the USA

It used to be good and free, now it's neither.

Grandma took my weed. So, I took her Wheelchair.

**NOW NEITHER OF US ARE ROLLING.**

Have you tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they

Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

Did you hear what happened to the mute person?

Yeah, me neither

My wife and my banker have something in common.

Neither of them will give me credit.

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Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?

Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.

Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit.

Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

What do you call a comedian who is neither a plant or an animal?

A fungi.

Neither President Obama nor President Trump has done anything for the people of Mississippi.

For example, they still live there.

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched Kim Jong Un surgery?

Yeah, me neither.

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

Two kids playing on the lawn

And one asks the other one "Hey, know how to ride a bycicle without the training wheels yet?"

"No, i donna" the other kid shrugged "You?"

"Nope, i donnie either"

Then their elder neighbor, who was watching them while watering her flowers, stopped what she was doing and approache...

A guy was walking home at night.

When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his li...

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

A man is playing golf one day...

And while he’s at a hole he hears “fooooorrrrr” before he’s smacked in the “business” with an errant golf ball.

He heads to the doctors and asks “how can you help me doc, My fiance and I have been saving ourselves for marriage and the wedding is 2 weeks out.”

“Hmmm. Typically your prob...

The light switch [true story]

One day, the milkman came to the farm to bring the milk to the factory.
He left a note to my father saying : " the light switch isn't working "
To what my father replied another note : " the light switch doesn't like it gentle "

The dairy man left the last note : " Neither the bake...

What's the difference between condoms and rattlesnakes?

I don't know. I don't f*** with neither of them.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

What do Joe Biden and Russia have in common?

Neither of them respect boundaries.

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

Two men decided to try riding in a hot air balloon...

Neither of them has any experience ballooning. They leave the ground and suddenly realize they are way off course. The decide to let out some air and get close enough to the ground to yell out and get someone's attention.


They see a small town and yell out, a man in a suit looks up and ...

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During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

There is a lawyer in a 3000$ suit

He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is a obviously very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.

The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he fin...

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“Doc....Will I be OK?”

“I’m not sure. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”

“C’mon Doc. You know I don’t do that astrology stuff.”

“Neither do I...but my thermometer broke.”

Son of a birch

A birch tree and a beech tree were standing together in the forest when the noticed a small seedling growing nearby.

The birch tree says "ah, that's one of my children, a fine young birch!"

The beech tree says "no, that's clearly a beech, One of my many progeny."

They ask a pass...

Testing trouble.

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the q...

Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?

Neither did she.

I told my husband that I haven’t worn a bra since the stay-at-home order

He said, neither have I.

This is true and he cracked himself up. So I said that I will wear one again when this is all over. So he said, maybe he will too.

I was having a beer at the bar when a mate walks in, panicked

He sits down next to me and tells me he’s left his sidekick in the car, because she drives him absolutely mad and he really needed a break.

I chuckled at his irresponsible behavior before he tells me “I told her I’d be back in a few minutes, but all lights in my car are broken anyway, can’t y...

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In Ice Age, Diego and his pack of saber tooth cats attack the human village...

...while the men are distracted, Diego sneaks into a hut to find the human baby. The baby is there tucked in his bed but before the predator can pounce the mother cave woman grabs her precious package, hits the beast and runs to escape.

Diego chases her and corners the helpless mother at the ...

After a check-up routine in the quarantine facility one morning,

a doctor notices one of the patients unusually calm and calls the nurse in charge.

Doctor: "That patient in the corner is recovering now, isn't he?"

Nurse: "Why do you say so doc? His temperature isn't that encouraging."

Doctor: "He is neither coughing nor sneezing anymore."
...

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

There was a married couple named Cody and Vicky.

After being together for 5 years, they decided to have a baby. After numerous attempts Vicky gets pregnant. 7 months into the pregnancy they start to think about baby names. Neither of them could come to an agreement so they decided to combine their names for the baby's name.

That was almost ...

Making Love to a Woman is a Lot Like Playing Basketball

Well, they're similar in the sense that I've done neither.

My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Michael Jackson and Darth Vader!

Neither wanted to remain on the Dark Side!

What do Sanders supporters have in common with dinosaurs?

Neither of them voted for Bernie Sanders

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

Do dwarves fly with big or small planes?

Neither. They actually prefer mid-jets.

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a mom...

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

they both can smell it but neither can eat it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

A boy and a girl met on a hill...

They both pulled their pants down and asked what “it” was. Neither of them knew, so they both went home.
The boy asked his father, who said “it’s a tractor. It goes into a barn.”
The girl asked her mother, who said “it’s a barn, made for a tractor”
The boy and the girl met on the hill agai...

Did you guys see Stevie Wonders new car?

Neither did he.

A girl wants movie stars faces tattooed on her thighs

So she goes to a tattoo parlor and spends hours having Christain Bale’ face tattooed on her left inner thigh and Leonardo DiCaprio’s face tattooed on her right inner thigh.

When it’s finished, she is extremely disappointed with the results, saying neither face is an accurate depiction of who...

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

What do The Beatles and the San Francisco 49ers have in common?

Neither performed at the Super Bowl.

Do you want to hear a math joke?

Me neither.

Mama always said life is like a box of condoms

She had neither when she had me

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Young Virgin Couple

Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and ...

What do coronavirus Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

Neither killed Jeffrey Epstein.

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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Local knowledge

A cocky young lad applied for a forklift job at a local firm based in his home town.
A migrant worker applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results we...

My pet name for my wife is "broken vacuum cleaner" because...

##

...neither of them can cook.

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"Daddy, how was I born?"

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway. Your mom and I first got together in an internet chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a seclu...

Me : Have you heard about whats happening in china

Friend: No

me: neither have they

Anti-vaxx stories never get old.

Neither do the children

Quasimodo needs to retire...

Quasimoto had been working for many years ringing the bells at Notre Dame and had decided it was time to retire. He placed a want ad to hire a replacement but as neither the pay nor the working conditions were very good, some time passed without any response.

One evening he heard a knock at...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

Dr John was caught having a physical relationship with one of his patients

Dr. Phil his co-worker was left flabbergasted learning about this incident.

Dr Phil- Dr. John how could you!

Dr John- Well i am neither the first one nor the last one having a physical relationship with a patient.

Dr Phil- Sir but we are forensic specialist.

Dr John- Well...

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