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In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

How do you pronounce neither. Is it neither or neither?

Neither.

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

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There is sex without love and love without sex.

And then there's us with neither.

Happy Valentine's.

A Farmer greets Joseph Stalin at his Potato Farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

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Two tampons are walking down the street, which one greets the other first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

An Irishman and a Norwegian apply for a job

O’Toole applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men ...

Beer

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it...

What is it called when your neither a grower or a shower

Unfortunate

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

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What do Hitler and the Boston Marathon victims have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

My father had five arms. He crashed his car into a guy with two heads. The case went to court but neither driver was prosecuted.

The judge said it was a freak accident.

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.

Neither of them work.

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

What's yellow and under the water?

A taxi!


Wasn't funny for you?

Neither it was for the driver

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

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Did you know that getting Covid-19 has a silver lining?

Your shit don't stink and neither does anyone else's. In fact the only thing that stinks is you got Covid-19.

Did you see Trump's latest tweet?

Neither did I

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic

What? Why are you expecting a “but”?

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My wife and I went to a marriage counselor yesterday.

The counselor said,” Let’s start this session on a positive note with things you have in common. Who wants to go first?”
I said,” I will.“

Counselor ask, “Ok name something you two have in common.”

I said , “Neither one of us SUCK Dick”

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Rearrange these letters to from words

1.pneis
2.buttsxe

Did u get *spine* and *subtext*

yeah neither did i

A wife brings her ill husband to the hospital

After a while the doctor comes out to see her and says "I don't like the looks of him"

The wife responds "Neither do I, but he's good to the kids"

Ever hear about the deaf guy who walked into a bar?

Neither did I, but I have one hell of a bruise now.

A father meets his son’s teacher.

« Sir, I’m afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.

« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father

« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »

« Yeah, that’s a math test, duh. There’s only one good answer, right? »

« In...

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

How is Bill Cosby like Santa Claus?

Neither will come unless you're asleep

Many words can be used to describe the location of a thing...

...but "that's" neither "here" nor "There".

Before Luke Skywalker died, he saw his mother and father before him...

His mom asked why he had blonde hair when he was young, as neither she nor anikin had it.

Luke fell silent, but before he could answer, his father answered " he was going through a rebel phase, dear"

What does a pizza delivery driver and a gynaecologist have in common?

They both get to smell it but neither of them get to eat it.

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

"Do you know the new type of knock knock joke that starts with 'no me neither'?"

"No."


"Me neither."

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

Is it a solar or lunar eclipse where the sun passes in front of the moon?

Neither. That would be the apoca-clipse.

My grandma took my ecstasy, so I took her wheelchair.

Now neither of us are rolling.

"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

did yall hear what happened to the deaf kid?

nope, neither did he

Holy crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the holy men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a priest I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing le...

Neither President Obama nor President Trump has done anything for the people of Mississippi.

For example, they still live there.

What do you call a comedian who is neither a plant or an animal?

A fungi.

USPS has a new motto

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” -USPS unofficial motto, 1914-2020

“Better late than never.” -USPS unofficial motto, 2020-?

Have you heard about the new blockbuster movie that's coming out that is not a sequel, reboot or remake?

Neither have I.

My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his flight ticket,

neither of us is getting high today

A young boy says to his mother, "When I grow up, I'll have two wives just like the king in the stories."

Mother: "But which one of them will put you to bed?"

The boy thinks for a while and then says, "Neither. I want only you to do that."

Tears of joy well up in the mother's eyes and she blesses her son,"May you live long."

She then proceeds to ask the son,"Whom will your two wives...

Alcohol doesn't solve problems

But neither does juice

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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor

and complains about her frequent flatulence. "But it's not a big deal" she assures the doctor "as they neither smell nor are they loud." Doctor examines and gives her some pills. "Take these and see me in two weeks." Two weeks pass and woman returns, furious. "What did you do?" she demands "I'm stil...

An old man's dream

"I dream to be the president of USA just like my school friend." an old man said.

"Who is your friend , Biden or Trump ?"

"Neither. His name is Kanye West"

"But he is not the president of USA"

"Correct, he dreams to become the president."

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

Do you know the joke of little Jef in the bathroom?

Me neither, the door was locked.

A man dies and goes to heaven

Because he always helped everyone St.Peter says he could have his afterlife wherever he wants.
First they go to the place where the people are who had been neither bad nor good. They watch movies and eat sweets.
After that they go to hell. Here the people are having a lot of fun. Famous musici...

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

My friend and I make dad jokes when we get together, but neither of us are dads.

We're just social faux pas.

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A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

Have you ever heard of the kid who got lost mid sentence?

Me neither

My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Neither, it was the rooster.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

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What's the difference in virginity, a dollar, and an idea?

If you are a virgin and I am a virgin and we give each other our virginity then neither of us are virgins.

If you have a dollar and I have a dollar and we give each other our dollar then we both still only have a dollar.

If you have an idea and I have an idea and we give each other ou...

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

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Did you hear about the prostitute that got arrested for having sex with Pennywise?

Me neither, but I heard she had it coming.

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

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Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him...

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Two nuns were walking to the market when a man jumped from the bushes and flashed at them and ran away!!!

"What shall we do now ?" Asked the first nun.

"We are sworn to neither lie nor hide the truth" said the second nun " we should report to Mother Superior that we had the misfortune of seeing a man's penis twice".

"Twice?" Exclaimed the first nun" we just saw it once".

"Aren't you...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

Did you hear about the silence last week?

Neither did I.

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

Have you seen the movie “Constipation”?

Neither have I, it hasn’t come out yet.

Have you ever had Ethiopian food?

Neither have Ethiopians.

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My Halloween joke

A young man in the hospital is smitten with his night nurse, She feels good about him too.
The pain meds he’s on have constipated him and neither want to discuss it. She decides to slip him a laxative to “help” .Just before she’s going to arrive for a visit, he has an accident in the bed, there’...

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who’s fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo...

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A father and his son are jogging when they encounter a tourist.

Son, being well versed in over 3 languages wanted to show his dad that learning new languages always helps you.
The tourist did not know english, but tried to explain the dad to show him the in spanish. The father couldn't understand. So the tourist tried french, but still no answer. Then ge tri...

Must watch documentary tonight on BBC2 about the covid, 9.00pm.

2 brothers from the Wuhan research centre, where Trump suspects it was engineered, were due to get on Flight MH370 that miraculously disappeared.

Seems they were the guys behind the development of the new strain, and intending to use it as a weapon, someone caught wind of their plans and purp...

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A fable

The mouse was fleeing from the cat. She ran up to the cow and said "Cow, please help me, for the cat is chasing me and if she catches me, surely she shall eat me!"

The cow turned her back to the mouse and dropped a huge, steaming cowpat on top of the mouse so it was fully covered right all th...

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If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.

Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

Do you know the story behind Indians worshipping cows ?

Me neither but I've heard it's an udderly fantastic tale !

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

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What do a vegan and a virgin have in common?

Neither is getting any meat.

Did you know Helen Keller had a pony?

Neither did she.

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Two strangers bump into each other

The one guy says to the other guy: "Oh sorry dude, I'm in a hurry since I lost my girlfriend in this huge supermarket."

"That's no problem man," says the other guy. "But I can't find my girlfriend neither!"

"Oh really? How does she look like?" asks the one guy.

The other guy say...

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A man and a woman were at a bar, both drinking champagne.

Neither had met before. After a while, the man turned to the woman and said, “I see you’re drinking champagne, too. Are you celebrating something?”

”I sure am.” Replied the woman. “This is a special day for me. For years I’ve been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me I’m...

What's the similarity between America and Melania Trump?

They're both getting screwed by Donald Trump and neither one of them is happy about it.

I came up with this last night, but it might be a repost.

What do my jokes and a hijacked plane have in common?

Neither of them land.

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Both sexes can fuck a pringles can.

But neither can do it well.

A flatulent man goes to the doctor

He arrives at the doctor's office and describes his problem: "You see, doctor, I have this terrible problem with my flatulence. I'm farting all the time! Fortunately they neither smell nor sound, if not it would be intolerable! Just right now, while we have been speaking, I've had to let go of a few...

Have you ever tried drinking so much alcohol, your wife makes sense?

Me neither, but I keep trying...

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

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