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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

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In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

what is the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist?

Both are allowed to smell but neither of them is allowed to eat.

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

How do you pronounce neither. Is it neither or neither?

Neither.

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

Did you hear the joke about the deaf guy?

Yeah, neither did he

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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This guy comes running into the bar and says

There's a woman in the carpark who said she'll fuck anyone. Quick as a flash i ran outside, jumped in her car, and started fucking her. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door, so i open it and there's a cop flashing a torch on us. What's going on here he says. Just having sex with the wife...

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Two guys lost in the woods [NSFW]

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

Birch or Beech Tree

A Birch and a Beech tree grow up next to each other. They spend many years talking and admiring the forest. But after such long lives, they start to get bored.

They notice a sapling growing up between them. They start to debate who the father is. Things get pretty heated between them.
...

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A deaf couple is having issues in the bedroom

When the lights are off at night, neither of them can communicate. This leads to a lot of frustration for both of them, since the wife can’t tell the husband whether she’s in the mood or vice-versa. Their marriage counselor suggests coming up with a touch language that will work in the dark, thus no...

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

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A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says

"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"

The doctor says

"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"

The man scoffs,

"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"

"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermo...

What is it called when your neither a grower or a shower

Unfortunate

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

What do me and Rudy Giuliani have in common?

Neither of us are allowed to practice law in New York.

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I am suffering from both delayed ejaculation and incontinence.

So I can neither come or go.

Why are women always so angry?

I forgot my girlfriend's birthday once and neither she nor my wife are talking to me now!

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

Baptists vs. Beer

If you go fishing with one Baptist they'll drink all your beer.

If you go fishing with two Baptists neither of them will drink your beer.

Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive...

Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive.
Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.

When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through. The passenger thought to herself, "I feel like I'm losing it, but I swear we just drove th...

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A young and an old banker were talking to each other.

The old banker tells the tips and tricks of being a banker to the young one

"Look son, to be successul at this job, it is not enough to seize the opportunity, sometimes you'll need to create the opportunity too. Look now, there is a pile of dog turd a few yards in front of us, it is most prob...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

Golf with Ed

Dan was busy at work when he saw Randy and Ed come in for their shifts looking very upset at each other. He tried asking Ed what was wrong, but Ed just pointed to Randy and said "Ask him!".

So Dan asks Randy what happened. Randy sighed and said "Well Dan, would you play with someone who cheat...

My father had five arms. He crashed his car into a guy with two heads. The case went to court but neither driver was prosecuted.

The judge said it was a freak accident.

A Vietnamese couple get married, but both want to keep their surname. Luckily neither mind, agreeing to double barrel the two names.

It’s a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Do you know the story about the guy that everyone forgot about?

Me neither

I always get told its neither the time nor the place for cracking really cheesy puns at work

Now I'm not sure about the time but I guess this is as gouda place as any....

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

What do orphans and football have in common?

Neither are going home.

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

I might be neither handsome, rich nor athletic

What? Why are you expecting a “but”?

Two redditors walk into a bar.

"Well technically," the first argues, "it is a Pub since it serves food."

"Actually," the second says, "it is a Saloon since it is a part of a hotel."

Neither remembers the point of this post.

What's big, yellow and doesn't float?

An excavator.

Didn't think that was funny?
Neither did the driver

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

You know who I saw when I was going to the optician?

Neither do I.

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

So, why did you adopt, asked one friend to another

Because my wife couldn't get pregnant, he answered, and neither could I.

Have you ever seen a picture of Stevie Wonder's kids?

Neither has he!

"Son, what would happen if neither team won the Super Bowl?"

"It's a Tide ad."

The 3rd child asked her mother

Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
Mom angrily:
I wanted neither.
I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath!

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

Neither one can resist the urge to “crack open a cold one”.

"Do you know the new type of knock knock joke that starts with 'no me neither'?"

"No."


"Me neither."

Neither President Obama nor President Trump has done anything for the people of Mississippi.

For example, they still live there.

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There is sex without love and love without sex.

And then there's us with neither.

Happy Valentine's.

Found an Funny Indian Joke and tried to translate it.

An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hig...

A Farmer greets Joseph Stalin at his Potato Farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

What do you call a comedian who is neither a plant or an animal?

A fungi.

My Vietnamese friends just got married. They have the same common last name, so neither of them needed to change anything.

You could say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

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Two tampons are walking down the street, which one greets the other first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

In the land of poker, different people had different toilets. The peasants had toilets that flushed clockwise, and the nobles had toilets that flushed counterclockwise. The king had neither.

He had a straight flush.

Do you know how much a chimney costs?

Me neither but I bet it's through the roof!


Just kidding, it's on the house.

My friend and I make dad jokes when we get together, but neither of us are dads.

We're just social faux pas.

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Men who don’t masturbate in the shower sing. Do you know what song they sing?

Me neither.

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.

Ever hear about the deaf guy who walked into a bar?

Neither did I, but I have one hell of a bruise now.

Beer

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it...

Belt jokes are neither the funniest nor unfunniest.

They're around the middle.

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. [Long]

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. The priest says, "I have something I need to confess. Before he died, your husband gave me an envelope with $250,000 in it and requested I place it in the casket with him. I know he was rich and loved his money, so I swore t...

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An American is visiting Australia

As the American wanders around, he find's a local pub that's empty and decides to stop in for a beer.

"Cheers mate, what can I get you?" obliges the bartender. The American, unsure of the etiquette in Australia simply asks for a Bud Light.

"Must be American, then?" the bartender chirps...

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What do Hitler and the Boston Marathon victims have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

Grandma took my weed

so I took her wheelchair neither of us rolling.

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A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.

Neither of them work.

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

Anyone else ever have their cake day hit them out of nowhere and have no real joke prepared?

Yeah me neither.

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

Did you see Trump's latest tweet?

Neither did I

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Five Detroit Tigers fans, Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar, are watching a home game for the Tigers. Of course, the Tigers easily lose, and the five fans leave the stadium angrily.

"If those players had played better, we could have won," said Al.

"Don't blame the players, blame the coach," said Ben. "If he had trained the players better, they would have played better."

"Those players couldn't play a decent game if their lives depended on it," said Carl. "But it's...

A father meets his son’s teacher.

« Sir, I’m afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.

« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father

« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »

« Yeah, that’s a math test, duh. There’s only one good answer, right? »

« In...

Neither legal, nor logical...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.


Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"


Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor...

Did you know Helen Keller went skydiving?

Neither did she.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

what do birds and my gf have in common?

Neither of them exist

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Did you know that getting Covid-19 has a silver lining?

Your shit don't stink and neither does anyone else's. In fact the only thing that stinks is you got Covid-19.

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...

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Rearrange these letters to from words

1.pneis
2.buttsxe

Did u get *spine* and *subtext*

yeah neither did i

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

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My wife and I went to a marriage counselor yesterday.

The counselor said,” Let’s start this session on a positive note with things you have in common. Who wants to go first?”
I said,” I will.“

Counselor ask, “Ok name something you two have in common.”

I said , “Neither one of us SUCK Dick”

A wife brings her ill husband to the hospital

After a while the doctor comes out to see her and says "I don't like the looks of him"

The wife responds "Neither do I, but he's good to the kids"

How is Bill Cosby like Santa Claus?

Neither will come unless you're asleep

Before Luke Skywalker died, he saw his mother and father before him...

His mom asked why he had blonde hair when he was young, as neither she nor anikin had it.

Luke fell silent, but before he could answer, his father answered " he was going through a rebel phase, dear"

Have you heard about the new blockbuster movie that's coming out that is not a sequel, reboot or remake?

Neither have I.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

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