UPJOKE
experiencerecognizerecogniseepistemologyperceptionscienceinformationcognizerealisemake outrealizetellthinkremembersee

Know Jokes

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows Dave

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

The driest, most esoteric joke I know.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to...

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

You know who really gives kids a bad name?

Elon Musk

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

Worst Geometry Joke I Know

When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?

When it is intercepted by a plane.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.

How do you know a joke isn't a repost?

When it doesn't reach the front page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?

Obviously not.

gg y'all, inbox = rekt

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

I don't know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?

Username checks out

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

I don't know what HD is,

But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

Did you know that the invention of the shovel was...

Ground breaking.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

you're not the dumbest person I know.

But you better hope he doesn't die.

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters of "Postmen"

They get really angry

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...

Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands ...

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym for...

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius..

But his brother Frank was a monster.

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

Does anyone know what oyings are?

People keep telling me that I'm an "oying" but I don't know what it means!! Pls help!

You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what women say to guys with big dicks?

Me neither

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

You already know the punchline

What’s the worst part about time travel jokes?

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin

Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.

.

The good news is that I just heard she is gettin...

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Ms. Pac-man is considered the greatest prostitute of all time?

Because for 25 cents she'll eat balls until she dies!

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

I don't know why I got fired from the suicide hotline...

I was doing a great job. They never called back for more help.

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

A woman walks into her bathroom to see her husband sucking in his stomach. "You know that won't help you lose weight," she says.

"I know that," says the husband. "But it will help me see the numbers."

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know, there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

It's the same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there, either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.