Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and..........tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know,

I guess I was just born this way.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know r/jokes was full of plumbers

Always bringing up old shit.

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

I don’t know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can’t even handle 60 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know about oral sex and anal sex... but... nasal sex?

Fuck knows.

If your name is Mike please let me know below

*edit, this concludes the Mike check.

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

I know men over mansplain things some times...

But why do women keep ovaryacting to it?

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

Egyptian babies didn't know that one day their daddy would become a mummy

Neither did the kardashians

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a fella who is talking To his body and says, I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next d...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Do you know why, in France they only eat one egg for breakfast?

Coz it’s un oeuf.

Courtesy: The Trial Of The Chicago 7

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

We know 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because you need 3 squared meals a day

Now you know

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In t...

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why I hate campers?

Because they’re always fucking intense

You know the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

Did you know

That atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no, I did not punch that guy..

Does anyone know where I can find a companion?

Asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy...

... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day ...

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?

It's a harrowing experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] How do you know when your woman is having an orgasm?

When you see my truck in your driveway

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ?

University

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

Best Finnish joke i know (Does not involve snipers)

2 Finnish Longshoremen complete their hard days work at the port of Kuopio on payday, and decide to go to the local bar to have a fun night.

No words are spoken as they sit down. They look at the bar keep, and one raises his hand, with 2 fingers up.

The bar keep brings 2 shots of Vod...

Know how to catch a polar bear?

Cut a big hole in the ice, and surround it with peas.

When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

I know a man who says he designed a labyrinth, got imprisoned in it, and then escaped using wings made of wax.

But I wonder whether he really Daedalus things he claims to have done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know pigeons die after sex?

At least the one I fucked did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

Shhhh, Want to know the secret of how Biden won the election?

He got more votes.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Anyone knows a joke about sodium ?

Na!

You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks...

Thn I'd be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Did you know pregnant horses run faster?

They have two horsepower.

How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?

Well, if it were a boy ant he’d be an uncle!

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

I dont even know what borrowing language is...

But I'll take your word for it.

I don’t know whether to get a jack russel or a lab...

Because I really like dogs, but I also really like to have a place to do experiments

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

Do you guys know about the tree that was cut down for learning to speak?

She dialog.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

You know why anti-vax jokes never get old?

Because they never last very long.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

"Hey man, the 49th state is pretty cute. Do you know if she's single or not?"

"I'm not sure, but Alaska."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know this might make me sound big headed

But I can’t get my fucking sweater off!

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

Did you know that choking on a single cube of water is illegal in some places?

It’s referred to as an obstruction of just ice.

Do you know where Redit keeps its Dad jokes?

In its Dadabase.......

sorry in advance.......

You know what propaganda is?

It's when a British person takes a good look at something

President's Aide: "Mr. Trump, the dry cleaners called and wanted to let you know...

You left two supreme court justices in your pocket when you dropped your suit off."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

Do you know those round hay bales you sometimes see in fields?

The government is trying to outlaw them. Apparently cows aren’t getting a square meal.

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

You know how many hipsters it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, it’s some obscure number you’ve probably never heard of.

Wanna know what I am for Halloween?

Alone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know how some people have arachnophobia?

Do you reckon some spiders have homophobia?

I don't know why people doubt the Pfizer vaccine...

...their magic blue pills work!

...so I've heard...

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player?

He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?

It's the mask era.

Did you know that...

Five out of Six people say that Russian Roulette is a completely harmless game to play, actualy I couldn't get a hold of the sixth guy so it's five out of five

If there's one thing you should know about camping...

...its in tents.

Do you know how to ask a man if he's from Texas?

Do you know how to ask a man if he's from Texas?

You don't. Just talk with him for three minutes... he'll be sure to tell you.

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know having sex makes it harder to remember past events from that day

I read it somewhere today, I just don’t remember when or why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what they say about bathrooms...

That's where shit goes down.

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know your dog's gay?

His dick tastes like dog shit

Does anyone know who Pavlov is?

His name rings a bell...

Did you know tall people are usually bad at math?

... cus it’s the little things that count

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

How do you know when a Muppet is reaching out for help?

When they say they’re going to kermit suicide.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

How do we know America is Queer?

You've never heard of anyone celebrating a straight-centinial, have you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

Ya know, the best punchlines are kinda like men with ED

you never really see them coming

I know who is gonna win the US election

Not the american people

You know how we should rename makeawish?

Final fantasy

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Ya know, if you believe in reincarnation, suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem

anyways, the hotline asked me not to come back

Did you know taller people

Sleep longer in bed

I don’t know why people think Trump can’t make a deal...

He makes a big deal out of everything.

Do you know what the biggest state is in the US?

DaNile it has a population of 74million.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

Do you know why persident Trump is a fan of Pfizer?

He can't read well enough to differentiate between election and erection, and thinks if he just buys enough blue pills, the erectoral college will stand up for him

"You know when you go to a garage sale, and you find a dusty old box of National Geographics? Yeah, well you're kind of like that....

You've got issues going way back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

You know where they make those little cola cans?

Out in Minisoda

I know absolutely LOADS about the Dunning-Krueger effect

I probably know even more than Mr Dunning-Krueger himself

I think I have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. How do I know?

I just came to that conclusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

You know when the mustard bottle farts when you're squeezing it to get mustard out

I guess that's mustard gas.

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

When know why 6 was scared of 7, but why did 10 have PTSD?

He was stuck in the middle of 9/11

People always ask me how I know where all of this generation's money went

It's in tuition.

When you see geese flying in a V, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?

That side has more geese.

Did you know bees become indecisive after April?

They become maybees.

Do you know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The Taste.

Yeah I know a hedgehog

Honestly? Bit of a prick.

I don't know what "procrastinate" means.

I think I'll look it up later

You know I really want a new guitar.

But for now I'm too baroque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

You know, I would've gone to the gym today.

It just didn't work out though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?

A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

Do you know how Holy water is made?

They boil the hell out of it.

We Americans know how to embrace the metric system

I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

You know what they call The Hunger Games in Paris?

Battle Royale with cheese

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.