UPJOKE
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Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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Did you know the prefix Fitz in a name meant "son of"?

So when Patrick had a son, the last name would be Fitzpatrick, and Gerald's son was Fitzgerald, etc.

They had to stop though when Dickinson had a son.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

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How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

How do you know a gold prospector is non-binary?

He says that there is gold in them/their hills

we know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. but why did 7 eat 9?

he wanted to have 3 squared meals a day

You already know the punchline

What’s the worst part about time travel jokes?

How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly?

You don't.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

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You know how we know Jesus was Jewish?

He lived with his parents until his was 30.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like a god.
And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

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You know that the honeymoon's over

And romance is a dying flower

When she comes in to take a shit

While you are in the shower.

Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross...

He actually became holier?

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

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My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?

He always got a little behind with his orders

If anyone has no family and will be alone on thanksgiving please let me know

I really need to borrow some chairs from you.

If you want to know who really loves you, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car…

Let them out three hours later and see whose happy to see you.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

You know people that make doors...

Really like to make an entrance.

Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?

The Police have no lead.

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

If you don't know what to say on your first date try to talk about global warming.

It's a great icebreaker.

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

Did you know a Kangaroo can jump higher than a house?

They can achieve this marvelous feat because houses can't jump.

A newly wed couple didn't know the difference between putty and Vaseline.

A week after their marriage all of their windows fell out, which was the least of their worries.

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

Do you want to know how to become a millionaire?

Invest $1 billion and follow the advice of wallstreetbets

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

You know what never gets old?

Russian tank drivers

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

Know why you’ve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they’re good at it

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

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Did you know there isn't a single canary on the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands....

Not one canary

Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts?

They are both suspended.

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

do you know what are the most chatty shoes?

The converse.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

I don’t know who this Bill guy is,

Can somebody tell me why they keep on sending me mail?

How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

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I don't know why more people weren't suspicious of the Nazi Party from the beginning.

They literally had so many red flags.

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

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Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

You know what really gets my goat?

El Chupacabra

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

A friend asked how many famous vampires I know. "Just 1," I replied. "From Seasame Street."

"He's a puppet!" My friend said. "He doesn't count!"

"Oh, I assure you, he does."

Do you know what DNA stands for ?

The National Dyslexic Association

You can pleasure your touchscreen if you know where to touch it.

>!ooh yes!<

>!mmm right there!<

>!that’s it!<

>!harder!<

>!Harder!<

>!oh!<

>!My!<

>!GOD!<

Did you know that the state vegetable and official state pastime of Alabama are the same thing?

Pumpkin

You know I actually quite like the Burj Khalifa

Despite its many floors.

I know a lot of unemployment jokes...

Unfortunately, none of them work.

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

Do you know what Gaslighting is?

You should, we talked about this last week.

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

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You know that look women get in there eye when they wanna have sex?

Me neither.

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I know a tattoo shop where you can get inked for free if you let them put a picture of your breasts on the wall

Tit for tat

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

If I had a dime for every time I didn’t know what was happening…

I’d be like… “Heeeyy, why y’all givin me all these dimes??”

How do you know when you've passed an elephant?

You can't flush the toilet.

Don't know if this is known but I wanted to share

The wife said: "hey I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "are you cheating on me?"

Wife: "what?"

Husband: "say what you just said"

Wife: "I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "Exactly, my name is John"

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s becaus...

Do you know why Indiana Jones never got married?

Bad dates

Did you know there is a very rare type of milk?

I don't know the name of it but my Dad has been looking for it for years.

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

How do you know if an ant’s a boy or girl?

They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

The other night I drank so much I was on my knees puking. I should know better than to hang out with my best friends

Neal and Chuck

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

How do you say hello to someone who knows karate?

Hiya!

I know Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number.

It's Zero-Two-Sixty

Credit: Michael Mcintyre

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

You know who’s more specific than me?

Some other dude.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly:"

I don't know what HD is,

But my doctor just told me I got 80 of them

You know what they say in prison

No noose is good noose

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work

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Did you know that a pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes?

Well, your mom’s did last night.

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough, but we need you to ID the body.

Me looking at the corpse: *takes a deep breath* Are-are you over 21?

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Girl in a super market says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your Sons Kindergarten Teacher.

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

I didn't know what to wear to the Sperm Bank...

So I came in my pants

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16?

Apparently, the only difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

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Do you know why men are smarter while having sex?

Because they are plugged into a genius

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Old Man: Why? You already forgot?

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Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the sticker that says I-da-ho.

A Navy recruiter asks a man “Do you know how to swim?”

The man replies, “Why? Have you run out of ships?”

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Fast learning

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

\- "Son, how old are you?"

\- "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued,

\- "Do you know what t...

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

Jack and Jim are on sentry duty during the first World War, when Jim says, "You know how we're on a bonus of a dollar for every German we capture?"

"Yes," says Jack. "Well don't tell anyone," says Jim, "but there's $5000 worth coming over that hill."

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

You know what I hate about people who generalize?

They're hypocrites

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Alyssa: “I’ve had it up to here with you, John! You think I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

John: “You want to know something? I do think you talk like a pirate! And I didn’t even know you sold flowers!

I like watching World Cup even though I don’t know anything about football

Sitting on the couch with a cold beer and watch those millionaires and billionaires running on the field, tiring themselves to half death just to entertain me, what a successful life!

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Did you know that Paul Walker had dandruff?

I didn’t know either, until I saw his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?

Because they stole all of their washing machines.

A cop pulled me over and asked "Do you know why I pulled you over?'

I Said "if you already forgot, I'm not gonna tell you"

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

We all know that Barney the Dinosaur is a LOVABLE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

In ancient Rome, there was no letter U, so they used a V instead, making Barney a LOVABLE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

Now eliminate all the letters that are not Roman numerals. We are left with LVL VL DIV.

Next, let's refresh your brain. I=1, V=5, L=50, D=500.

When we add it all up, we get...

I asked out this European Girl I know.

But she said she'd rather just be friends, so now I'm stuck in the PAL Region.

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How do you know a stripper is on drugs?

You can see her crack.

Do you know who else has dementia?

Do you know who else has dementia?

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A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

Do you know why the sea is salty?

It's because land never waved back

If I had a nickel for evey time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, "where are all these nickels coming from?"

Did you know to that tin can was invented 1810, but the can opener wouldn’t be invented for another 16 years?

So until then they were just called can’ts.

Everyone knows of Yao Ming, one of the most iconic basketball players of his generation.

Far lesser known was his sister Rai, one of the preeminent female poets of her generation.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

Did you know that a school of hungry piranhas can eat a man's flesh in a minute?

Sadly, I also lost my job at the aquarium.

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

I know what you did

A little kid is often picking his nose. His mother tells him: "Honey, don't do this". The little kid asks "why?". The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because... when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door."

After some time the lit...

I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"

I said hell I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

Did you know teen pregnancies…

Take a sharp decline at the age of 20.

Did you know Henry VIII was the first Jedi?

He was a master of divorce.

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

A man is driving a car in somewhere he doesn't know.

He sees a sign that says "Slow: 70 Km".
Seeing the sign, the man lowers the speed to 70 kilometres.

Then he sees a sign that says "Slow: 25 Km". Seeing the sign, he lowers his speed to 25 kilometres.

Then he sees a sign that says "Slow: 1 Km". The man is furious, but he lowers his s...

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Honey…you’d think from watching all those cooking shows you’d know how to cook.

Husband…you’d think from watching all that porn you’d know how to…..

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

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You know why they call them a hurricane and not a himicane?

Because they come in all wet and wild, and when they leave you ain't got shit left.

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Jesus and Moses

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

A nun and a priest are playing golf

The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.

"Oh God dammit, I missed."

The nun scolds the priest.

"Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blasphem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

You know why Superman never had a social life?

Because Clark can't. :P

I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.

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