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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?

It's the mask era.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

I think I have a fetish for the last paragraph of an essay. How do I know?

I just came to that conclusion.

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

I don't know if this has been posted before or not but it's my favorite joke.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

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do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don’t know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

“What is this queue for?”

“Just for fun” says the women.

“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies “that’s w...

I don't know why so many people thought Cats was a bad movie.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

I don't know why people say that pee is stored in the balls.

I mean, there's a vas deferens between the two.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

I know my wife loves me and all, but I don't think she needs to tell everybody.

Just yesterday, when the mailman arrived at our house, she rushed downstairs yelling, "My husband is home! My husband is home!"

"I don't even know what the cloning machine does"

Well, that makes two of us

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

How do you know if someone is just farming for karma?

They only post on their cake day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

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Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

You know what they say about jokes with the wrong punchlines?

To get to the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Apparently I know next to nothing about the Middle East

Looks like I’ve been living under Iraq.

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walked out again she said: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

A buddy once asked me if I've ever stuck it in her, you know, "other hole".

I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

Do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

I don't know, but do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

Did you know that Kurt Cobain had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders behind the couch.

You know you're getting old when

when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

Happy Cake Day to me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friend, "I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl."

His friend asks, "Who?"

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

I asked my girlfriend "If Charizard fights the Dragonite, do you know who would be the winner?"

She said "My ex boyfriend if you don't grow the fcuk up"

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

I know quite a few terrorist.....

They are all mind blowin people.

Do you know what’s at stake for the tired dragon?

Flaming yawn.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

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How does a blindman know if he is done wiping his ass ?

It starts to taste like toilet paper

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Do you know why you Never see a crow dead in the road??

There’s always one on a telephone line shouting CAARR CAARRR CAR

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

I want to tell you about a girl I know who only eats plants...

...you've probably never heard of herbivore.

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

My friend told me, "did you know trees drop edible stuff that's not fruit?"

"that's nuts" I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before you know your future partner and after you marry them is like the same thing

There’s no sex

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Naturally, the other replies, "holy fuck, a talking fish!"

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

not many people know the friends characters represent all seven deadly sins

**Phoebe:**

**Joey:**

**Chandler:**

**Monica:**

**The monkey:**

**Rachel:**

**Ross:** pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary..."

... the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish."

He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.

When the last student ha...

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?

Genie: look at your crotch.

Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.

Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

It was Layheehoo.

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

Ques.) Do you know what comes after USA?

Ans.) USB

Wanna know the best thing about a covid joke?

Everybody gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know where Scottish people have sex?

Between 5 and 7 like everybody else.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y’know, one would have been enough.

Do you know why ants are never sick?

It's because they have little anty bodies

Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius

But his brother Frank was a monster!

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again,

well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

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Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

How did Dwayne Johnson's family know they had Covid-19?

They couldn't smell what 'The Rock' was cooking.

You know Steve Irwin would still be alive if he wore sunscreen.

Would have protected him from the harmful rays.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Hey mate do you know what are the chemicals symbols for sodium, bromine and oxygen?

Na BrO !

How to know if someone is a teenager on Reddit:

Edit: OMG! This is my most up voted comment ever! Thank you so much!

You know who has the hottest thighs?

Rotisserie Chicken

Did you know before they had Monkey bars

Monkeys would just drink at home.

How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down?

They keep a log!

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know you’re fat when your piss smells like gravy.

You know you’re really fat when it tastes like gravy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

NSFW A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was. "Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to

the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!
His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"
He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"

With the elections around the corner, do you know who had the best shot at POTUS?

Lee Harvey Oswald.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid

Luckily, I’m the other 5%

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory?

The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Justice is a dish best-served cold?

Because if heated, it would become justwater.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake were friends. One day the blind rabbit told the blind snake that he didn’t know what he was, because he couldn’t see. So he asked the snake for help in determining what he was.

The blind snake slithered up to the blind rabbit, felt it all over and said: “You have long, furry ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.”

The blind rabbit was delighted with the news, and agreed to repay the favour so that the blind snake could find out what he was.

The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she never lets me know when she orgasms...

"You told me to never bother you at work" she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Did you know that a group of crows are called 'murder.'

Well, technically it's only a murder, if there's probable caws.

You know, with everything that’s happening so far in 2020…

You’d think someone would have seen it coming!

Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out?

Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

Did you hear about the newlywed couple that didn’t know the difference between KY lube and silicone caulk?

Their windows fell out.

I don’t know any songs about rich countries..

I can only *Singapore* one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

Did you know Jeff Bezos has trouble sleeping?

Unless he has his Pajamazon.

You know what really smells?

A nose.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

I hate when people say I don't know any good movies.

Of course I dont, did you meet any?

Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god,

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what they say about blind prostitutes

You gotta hand it to em.

I know my friend loves my Batman impressions, but that doesn't mean he has to compliment me all the time.

Every single time I say "I'm here to fight for truth, justice, and the American way," he says, "That's super, man!"

How do you know if a vampire has COVID?

He's coffin

Did you know that Tesla has started producing an anti-Corona device?

It's called the Elon Mask.

You know what the teenager said to the man in the wheelchair?

"uh, lame."

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are my testicles black? (First post but let me know if it is a repost)

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Emba...

Girl: How do you know Apple is run by men? Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it's only 5.5 inches long

Guy: Of course it's run by men, it's a trillion dollar company, not a kitchen

Do you know why Canadian women like it doggie style?

They want to watch the hockey match, too.

Wanna know how to make Texans really mad?

Cut Alaska in half, so Texas becomes the *third* largest state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite 4th of July joke: Do you know why Americans spell color, humor, and behavior that way they do?

"Because fuck u that's why."

-- George Washington, Revolutionary War

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

Do you know..

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
You're in the wrong house.

I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown

I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.

I know why super hot girls aren’t political...

...no matter what party wins, they still get invited to it.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

What does someone who doesn’t know grammar say when they see a droid?

Hey look, an droid

A Republican walks up to a Democratic with a face mask and say, “do you know what I say to sheep like you?...

Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.”

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Xmas?

He felt his presents.

Do you know what worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles in your pants

At His second coming to Earth, Jesus asks the people: "Do you know who I am?"

They responded: "You are the eschatological manifestation of the deepness of our being. You are the enigma that gives sense to all our interpersonal relationships. You are the cosmological fabric that keeps our minds and our world together."
Jesus goes "Wha..?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

Now I know what BC and AC stands for

Before COVID and After COVID

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

Did you know that Cardi B has a twin fitness trainer?

Her name is Cardi O

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

Did you know that Harry Potter’s favorite way of going down a hill is running?

J.k. Rowling

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.

Did you know that Starbucks can make your teeth whiter?

Enough pumpkin spiced latte will make anything whiter

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know you have reached quarantine insanity?

When you look at old photographs and videos and get pissed because nobody is wearing masks.

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