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Know Jokes

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

Did you know it’s impossible to eat baklava underground?

Because then it’s bakmagma

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

I didn't know r/Jokes was so eco friendly

Everything here is recycled.

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

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Did you know all chickens die after having sex?

Well every chicken I’ve had sex with has.

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know why

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

Want to know what the definition of insanity is?

The definition of insanity is mindlessly repeating a quote that Einstein never said.

Did you know?

Diarrhea runs in your genes.

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

If you want to know how many bees Noah had...

Check the ark hives.

I said to the musician do you know what time it is please?

He said its 5/4

Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?

The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.

How does a blind skydiver know when he's getting close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

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Did you know, there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

It's the same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there, either.

Many people know of King Arthur and his Knights of The Round Table.

However, most people do not know who first proposed and created the round table: Sir Cumfrence.

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

How do you know if a duck is a soul singer?

Throw it in the microwave and see if it's Bill Withers

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Did you know Jesus only had one orgasm his entire life?

We're still waiting for the second coming.

I really don't know how I lost my legs

I'm completely stumped

Mr. T had a rare form of cancerous lymphoma that affected T-cells. Do you know what the odds are on that?!

One in 26.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

I know a guy, who used to be a great hockey scorer, who now works at a nursing home, his name is

Jerry Hattrick

Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means?

Employee: it means today is Wednesday

How do you know a girl likes you?

If she gives you a handy, you know she likes you. Especially if she uses the proper handy motion.

How do you know a girl loves you?

She'll give you another handy!

Because what's love but a second handy motion?

Sorry, Tina Turner was just on the radio.

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”


"So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.


“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
<...

Do you know what a robot does on one night stand?

Nuts and bolts.

Do you know why they started charging people to fill their tires?

Inflation.

I don't know much about psychology or sociology

But I reckon I can explain the Dunning-Kruger effect better than anyone else.

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Did you know Viagra is a vitamin ?

It helps build strong bones.

My wife knows I’ve been cheating.

She found the letters that I’ve been hiding around the house.

She says she is upset. She says she is angry. She feels disappointed, let down an hurt.

She’s lost trust and doesn’t know how we can get past it.

Worst of all though, she says she doesn’t know if she can ever play Sc...

How do we really know the ocean is friendly?

It waves.

did you know cyan is the best colour?

it's cyantifically proven.

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

Did you know that Albert Einstein had a younger brother...

Yeah yeah he's called Frank and people say he's a real monster! It's really easy to make him laugh though, everyone has him in stitches

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

Y'know, I could have sworn South Africa had apartheid.

Is this the Mandela Effect?

Did you know that every Zodiac sign has its own hairstyle?

For example, bald is Cancer.

When do you know if you have perfect pitch?

When you pitch an accordion into a dumpster and it perfectly smashes a banjo.

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

Did you know the Green Goblin decided to turn good and team up with Spider-Man?

Yeah, he's now Willem Dafriend

Did you know Yoda had a last name?

Layheehoo.

What do you call a woman who thinks she knows it all?

Misinformation

Hey grandpa, do you know that mom said that she will never forgive you because you let me eat a coin and didn't do anything?

She must be nuts if she thinks that I will spend thousands of dollars in a hospital just to get 10 cents back

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Want to know Quasimodo’s favorite Christmas song?

Jingle bells!

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday...

"She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes," he said.

"Here's an idea," said his friend. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, '30 minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted."

The next day, th...

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

Did you know Joseph from the bible played tennis?

He served in the courts of Pharaoh.

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

I just keep hearing the same one over and over and over...

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, like one, three, five? Whatever, I just can't even...

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

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Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

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I used to know a guy that had phone sex a lot…

Now he’s got hearing aids.

Did you know the magnifying glass was invented by a Chinese guy?

Yeah, his name was Tzu Minh

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

Know the laws!

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law?"

Yeah.

"What is it?"

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

"Okay, have you heard of Cole's Law?"

Yeah.

"So what is it?"

Thinly sliced cabbage.

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are really good at it.

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When you've been around as long as me… you'll know that there are three types of sex… One – brand-new, kitchen-table sex; Two – bedroom sex;

then number three – hallway sex… when you pass each other in the hallway and say 'f**k you.’

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Did you know the prefix Fitz in a name meant "son of"?

So when Patrick had a son, the last name would be Fitzpatrick, and Gerald's son was Fitzgerald, etc.

They had to stop though when Dickinson had a son.

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

If you don't know what a circle is, I can't explain it to you.

There's no point.

Did you know Chuck Norris prays three times per day?

Yeah, he checks if God needs anything.

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Did you know in the average friend group, one in ten people are gay?

I hope it’s Noah, he’s so cute.

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

Did you know that you can't run through a campground?

You can only ran... cause it's past tents

Did you know blind people are more likely to get scurvy?

They don’t get enough vitamin see.

How do you know you hate your job?

When your coffee is so strong it shows up in a drug test.

we know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. but why did 7 eat 9?

he wanted to have 3 squared meals a day

you're dumb as a rock, you know the difference between you and a brick?

A brick gets laid

You already know the punchline

What’s the worst part about time travel jokes?

Do you know what I hate most about memory loss?

I forgot

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

Did you know that Archaeopteryx ate worms?

After all, it's an early bird.

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How Do You Know If Someone’s Balls Are Ticklish?

You give them a test tickle.

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How do men know its time to start taking Viagra?

It's not hard...

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It's very important to know the difference between urolgical and endocrinological terminology...

There's a vas deferens between a penis and a testicle, for example.

You know why they can’t cremate the pope?

‘cause he ain’t dead yet

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

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I know a girl who is only attracted to Canadians.

She's Eh'-sexual.

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

I want to know what the fear of question marks is called...

But I'm afraid to ask.

How do you know a gold prospector is non-binary?

He says that there is gold in them/their hills

How do you know if you’ve met one of Dolly Parton’s kids?

They have stretch marks around their mouth.

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

What's the worst thing about Austria?

I don't know, but the flag is a big minus.

Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?

He had a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

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Do you guys know what makes the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

The Pizza

Wait no fuck...

I meant the delivery

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

Did you know that 2 and 4 are parents?

They had six

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We all know the joke about a family's surname being based on their ancestors' profession, so what did John Hancock's family do?

The real question is, what the hell were Emily Dickinson's ancestors up to?

Do you know anyone who will be alone without family or friends for Christmas?

Because I need to borrow some chairs.

A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.

I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.



"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

How do you know when a vampire is sick?

You can tell from their coffin.

I now know why Groundhog Day is important.

It's literally an emerge and see.

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

I went to a fortune teller's house to know what I should do

I knocked the door and she answered: "Who's in there?".

I turned around and went back home.

What’s between an introvert and an extrovert?

A wall.

(I know it wasn’t funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough)

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Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

Some people have said that I’m a spoilt and pretentious rich kid that doesn’t have to work, but they don’t know my struggles. For instance I really don’t like my Boss.

I much prefer my Balenciaga, but sometimes I have to wear it to appease mother.

How do you know when you're at a birthday party for a bulimic?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

Do you know why no one tells Chuck Norris "Chuck Norris" jokes?

They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat!

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A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

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You know that the honeymoon's over

And romance is a dying flower

When she comes in to take a shit

While you are in the shower.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

DID YOU KNOW....french fries arent cooked in France?

They're cooked in Greece *rim shot*

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?

10 was in the middle of 9 11.

Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?

Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Cleopatra know her butt cheeks would get along?

They had a Tutankhamun.

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

Do u know y i knock on my fridge before opening

Because there might be a salad dressing inside

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You know how we know Jesus was Jewish?

He lived with his parents until his was 30.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like a god.
And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

What do you call a dictionary thief?

I don’t know :(

Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross...

He actually became holier?

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

Did you know Will Smith can make swords?

Of course he can; he's a blacksmith


Some may think the joke isn't funny, but I think it slaps.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day..

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