Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

In case you don't know Yoda's last name

It is LAYHEEHOO

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

I don't know how to tell my wife of 15 years that she's been using her teeth WAY too often when she goes down on me.

How do I soften the blow?

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

Did you know you can make a hat out of any ship?

You just flip it over, that way its capsized....

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?

Mycoxafloppin

Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

Do you know what DNA stands for?

National Dyslexic Association

We all know that seven ate nine... We were even more disgusted to hear that seven was a six offender... It turns out that the most infamous number didn’t stop there...

Seven cut four teens in half!

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter to me.

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.

I dont know why but when I adjusted my sleeping position

Everyone at the cremetory freaked out.

Man, they ruined a good sleep

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

Do you know who I am?

It was final exams for a senior level college class, and the exam counted as 75% of the grade.

The exam was also strictly timed.

5 minutes before the time was up, the professor gave a warning, "remember, 5 minutes left. When I say put your pencils down, you must do it, or you'll immedi...

Did you know that there's actually no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

How do you know if a hooker is from Alabama?

She offers a friends and family discount

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Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"

Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"

Daft bugger.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

Do you know what is actually NSFW?

My deadbeat unemployed dad.

Not suitable for work? Yeah, all the companies he got fired from think so.

You know, if someone makes one more fish pun

I’m gonna krill myself

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments

edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,

but none of them work

Of all the people I know, my Hindu friends are the most chilled out.

They never have beef with anyone.

Do you know why Spiderman always has a witty comeback?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Did you know Jeffery Epstien was an accomplished guitar player?

He was especially good at fingering A minor.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other!

Do you know why I buy my pistols from a T-Rex?

He’s my small arms dealer

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

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How did I know my wife was dead?

Well the amount of sex stayed the same but the dishes were piling up.

If I had a dollar for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?

How do you know if a communist broke into your house.

*our

So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,

But his brother Frank was a monster!

Did you know Reddit is green?

It's 90% recycled content.

You know what the best part about dating a homeless girl is?

You can drop her off anywhere...

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

You know what happens when you boil the funny bone?

You get a laughing stock.

Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?

Can’t hear a vitamin

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A man is sitting at a bar. Another gentleman walks up and sits next to him. The first man looks at the new comer and says to him “did You know this bar is so high up in the tower that you can jump out the window and the gusts will lift you up and float you right back in the window?”

The new guy looks at him, astonished at this. The first guy says “watch I’ll show you”, takes a shot of whiskey, runs over to the window and jumps out. Thirty seconds later he floats right back up and through the window and walks back over to the Other gentleman.

Amazed, the other guy says “I...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

How do you know when it's time to change the channel?

*"Previously on God Friended Me..."*

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?

The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Because anywhere else it would've been called a teethbrush.

Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird...

The A-gull and B-gull weren't quite right.

So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

I know I'm schizophrenic...

but at least I've got each other.

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt?

They are called mummy jokes.

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I know having sex with another man is a sin

Butt fuck it.

Do you know what a kkk omelette contains?

Only the whites.

I know a funny math joke

But I’m 2^2 to say it

You know what’s worse than shaking someone’s wet hands after they’ve used the restroom?

Shaking someone’s dry hands after they’ve used the restroom

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with a vegan and didn't know she recorded it

Until I found the video on QuornHub

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My girlfriend has an identical twin, but I know how to keep them apart.

She has long brown hair

And her brother has a penis

Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if your cell mate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

Everyone knows what sin city is. But does anyone know what is den city?

Mass per unit volume

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

What do you call a military officer who knows everything about anything?

General Knowledge.

How do you know something is a repost?

If you've already reddit

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarves.

Very little.

You know what a helicopter mom is?

Well I have a Malaysia flight mom.

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Did you know Bill Cosby likes pudding?

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!?

It's not the end of the world!

You know I don't understand the deal with Americans and their hatred of the French and calling them surrender monkeys. I mean if it wasn't for the French we'd be speaking English right now.

Wait

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You know why women like having sex with the lights off?

Because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I know a joke about HIPPA

But I can’t tell you.

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

Do you know why ordering balloons for a party is so expensive?

Inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know?

63 Earths can fit inside uranus.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

I know that alcohol probably won't solve any of my problems...

But it's worth a shot

I know its irrational, but...

Man, do I love pi.

I used to know a girl from a nudist colony

Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on her!

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Do you know what they say about "friends with benefits"?

... they just cum and go.

Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary?

It runs in your jeans

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Men to women, you know men came first.

Women, yes and you all been doing it ever since

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?

It starts on Chapter 11

Do you know what has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

Hey Girl, you know why they call me the Mechanical Bull?

Because riding me is a very uncomfortable and likely short experience.

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?

Nokia.

Nokia - Connecting people

Sorry.

Boomers: kids these days don't know what books are.

**Gen Z:** We're literally using the same textbooks you had. My math book references West Germany.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

how do you know that a is a joke a "dad joke"?

When it is a-**parent**

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

You know what’s really odd? Numbers not divisible by 2

That joke was so bad I can’t even

Did you guys know that Steve from Minecraft has a 16 skin?

That's because his foreskin is squared.

Do you know what the 'N' on Nebraska's football helmet stands for?

Knowledge.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

Called my local sperm bank clinic to know what's the best time to pay them a visit.

They said, “Whenever you feel like coming.”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

Do you know why they nailed Jesus on the cross?

So he wouldn't fall!

I want my dentist to know he's appreciated..

So every year I give him a little plaque.

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

How do you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff?

They found his Head and Shoulders all over the apartment.

Did you know the garbage man recognised me?

Yeah, he knows all the trash 'round here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they know Jesus wasn't born in Alabama?

They couldn't find Three Wise Men and a Virgin.

How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

A: All the red flags.

Do you know why I want a short girlfriend?

She's low maintenance and doesn't have high standards

I'm old enough to know better,

but young enough to do it anyway.

You know why bulls have bells

....

.......

...............

Beacause their horns dont work.

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

You know how I'm really inconsistent when I talk?

Never mind.

An old man I know told me he used to go to the park because he saw himself in the children that played there

I really need a new cellmate

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped on water?

Damn it !!

Did you know that Germans eat more bananas then apes?

Last year it was 5 kg bananas a head. But not one ape.

So you know how people say "Say no to drugs"?

If I'm talking to drugs, I probably already said yes.

You know why Volkswagen cars are better?

They always come with one more light.

You know who's my favourite X-men?

Caitlyn Jenner

I hate it when someone doesn’t know difference between to and too

Its just two annoying.

How did Marilyn Manson know there was someone at his front door?

The beautiful peephole, the beautiful peephole.

You know how sweet it is when you see lovers names carved in a tree

Yeah well I don’t find it romantic. I just find it scary how many people bring knives on a date

Do you know what the best item to prevent Sasquatch attacks is?

A camera.

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