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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.

Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

I don’t know why people hate China. I love it and can’t say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just sucks they’ve been stuck on that island for so long.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Know the Difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

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My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallows!

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

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It's a relief to know the truth…

…after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suff...

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Did you know that there are no canary’s on the Canary Islands? Same thing applies to the Virgin Islands

There are no canaries on the Virgin Islands

If anyone has no family and will be alone on thanksgiving please let me know

I really need to borrow some chairs from you.

Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He’s called ‘Taxi Vader’

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

How do you know if someone owns a Tesla?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

"Dad, how do you know if someone is an alcoholic?"

Dad: "You see those cars over there son? An alcoholic would see eight instead of four. "

"Dad, there's just two cars."

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

Do you know 10+10 is equal to 11+11?

10+10 is twenty, 11+11 is twenty two

You know Darth Vader actually did get married.

Even though he’s kind of a downer she’s much more uplifting… her name is Ella

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. It's just hard for the others

It is the same when you are stupid.

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

You know that a person's really old

When they refer to a cell phone as a "telephone"

Ok Mods I want to know why my post was removed.

It's annoying because my fence keeps falling down.

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

Norm Macdonald: "You want to know the worst part about doing an office congo line?"

"First, you turn around to realize there's no one behind you. Second, you realize you're not in an office, you're in a psychiatric hospital"

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Want to know why is fired from my job at the Orange Juicing plant?

They said I wasn't concentrating properly.

Wanna know what my favourite white wine is?

The immigrants are taking all our jobs....!!!

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

I’ll tell you what I know about dwarves.

Very little.

How do you know somebody is a minimalist?

He‘ll tell you.

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I know shaving a scrotum is something that can be done

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe

Bus driver: I really don't care

You know, we've had it wrong all along, when it comes to the question of what came first, the chicken or the egg

The answer has always been the rooster.

Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

A man turned to his wife and said sarcastically 'I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it'

Well, you wear underpants, don't you? Replied the wife

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

Did you know dr pepper was based off a real doctor?

He was a fizzican

If you want to know how much a rainbow weighs…

it’s pretty light.

Did you know, anti-vaxxers don’t last as long in bed?

…especially if the bed is in a hospital.

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

I know a man who flunked tree doctor school...

He fainted at the sight of sap!

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y.

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

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Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

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My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

Do you know how many wrinkles are on a pigs ass?

Smile and I’ll count them.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

A bartender yells “Does anyone know CPR?”

“Hell I know the whole alphabet!” I shouted.

The whole bar laughed except for one guy

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Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?

He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.

Did you know that Germans were the first to adopt daylight savings time?

It's definitely the second worst thing they've ever done.

How do you know Santa is a furry?

He uses a team of reindeer to help him empty his sack

You know the difference between my wife and work?

Two options:

1) work still sucks after a year

B) I still enjoy coming into my wife

Do you know why blue whale is called blue whale?

Because it wasn't fat enough to be called yo mom!

Fortune teller knows it all

A fortune teller to a man, “I can see you are the father of 3 kids.”


The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”


The fortune teller, “That’s what you think.”

I didn't know my mom watched Bob Ross

Because she called me a happy little accident

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

By the way, Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

We all know why 6 is afraid of 7, but that brings up the question, “why did 7 eat 9?”

Because you need 3 square meals a day

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

Did you know that Norway puts barcodes on their ships??

It’s so they can scan da navy in

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday

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Did you know that there was 4 types of orgasms?

There’s the positive orgasm, negative orgasm, holy orgasm and the fake orgasm

The positive orgasm goes “Oh yes, ohh yess”,
the negative orgasm goes “Oh no, Ohh nooo”,
the holy orgasm goes “Oh God, ohh Godd”,
The fake orgasm goes “Oh •insert friends name•, ohh •insert friends name•...

We all know that punching bag arcade game where you try to punch the bag the hardest.

So, I was standing in line to take my turn at the game. When I suddenly realized what a douche I am, putting myself in the punchline of my own joke.

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So you know how bed bugs come from beds?

Have you thought about cockroaches

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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Do you know why the shepherd fucks the sheep on the edge of the cliff?

So it pushes back

Did you know that Indian Restaurants make most of their money on their flatbread?

They’re naan-profit organizations.

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My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear

I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

Last night I was thinking to myself "I wonder how much Google really knows about me?"

But then my Android phone texted me the message "not much". So I feel better now.

You know, everyone is always talking about army bases...?

why no love for army altos or army tenors?

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A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.

He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. T...

I just can't fit an upside boat on my head, and I just don't know why...

...it was clearly capsized

We Finally Know Why The Leaning Tower Of Pisa Is Leaning.

The graphic designer pressed the *ITALICS* key on accident.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

You know how many corpses it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, it's not eight, because the crawl space is still dark.

They asked Arnold Schwarzenegger to play a classical composer for a movie do you know what his reply was?

I'll be Bach

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

I know this guy that fixes traffic lights for a living. He's just recently got a new girlfriend.

Her name's Amber

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

I don't know if this one has been said but here goes.

As a necromancer you need hobbies. I've chosen baking because it's weirdly very similar. With a little ritual... I raise the bread.

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Did you know they're renaming the Nantucket sound?

It's going to be called JFK Jr. Airport

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A group of engineering professors were invited to fly a plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
...

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Did you know squirrels die after they have sex?

Well the one I fucked did .

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

Doctor knows

Two friends are talking:

First: My doctor told me I must stop playing football.


Second: What?! Is he sure? Did he examine you properly?


First: Not really. But he did see me playing.

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

I know several jokes in sign language.

I guarantee no one has heard them before.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer is dribbling out of both sides of his mouth.

How do you know a good gynecologist?

He can wallpaper the hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox!

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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Last night my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating, I’ll never know.

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A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to say it.

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker?

They apologize for their bad English.

(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.)

You know what they call Squid Game in France?

A Battle Royale with Cheese.

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

My wife said, "You know what I hate? I hate it when people think they know me more than I know myself."

I said, "No you don't."

How will you know if you die of the Delta variant of COVID?

On your way to heaven or wherever, you'll make a stop in Atlanta.

*Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments. Per feedback, it might be better as "On your way to heaven, you'll have a layover in Atlanta."*

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Bruce lee was fast but do you know about his even faster brother?

Sudden Lee

You know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

How do we know the government wasn't behind 9/11?

Because it worked.

A guy named Bob dies and goes to hell

Before him stands the Devil.

"Hello, Bob. Welcome to Hell" the Devil says. "Now there are seven levels of hell and since your only sin was cheating on a science test in third grade, you'll be moved to level 1"

"Okay, that doesn't sound so bad" Says Bob

"Level 1 is the hottest...

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Did you know that the medical name for Viagra is...

Mycoxaflopin.

You know what my least favorite thing about network television is?

Find out after the break.

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

Did you know there are many different words for lungs?

I just can't remember them because I have bad lung term memory

Doctor's know...

"Doc, there's something strange going on, it's not normal."

Doctor asks "What do you mean?"

"Whenever I fart it sounds like I'm saying 'Honda'."

Doctor says "Go see your dentist, you've got a cavity."

So he goes to the dentist, and sure enough he has a cavity. Dentist ...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

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Me and my friend getting high in my room. Friend: Did you know that your cum holds 1.5 TB of data per ejaculation?

Me: That's how I DDoS your mum bruh.

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

You never know...

My friend John went to the restaurant to dine by himself yesterday, but he was very dissatisfied with the food. Said to the waiter: "Why is your food so terrible! Call your manager."

The waiter said: "I'm sorry! Our manager went to the restaurant across the road for lunch and hasn't come back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

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