UPJOKE
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I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

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How do you know if your Husband watches porn?

Play the Pornhub intro loud. If he notices, he watches porn.


If he doesn't notice, he watches porn without the audio.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

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Any one know of a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Did you know 10% of female deer like Mario?

It's one in ten doe

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it..

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

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wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead...

All of the pain is felt by others.

The same thing happens when you're stupid.

Did you know that Germany is only second best at recycling

The first place is taken by r/jokes

did you know light travels faster than sound?

That's why people look bright until they talk

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Did you know that piranhas can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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I asked my girlfriend, the sexiest girl in the world and the only woman I know who takes it up the ass, to marry me

All three said no.

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80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: “Wow, how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

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Will Smith had to stand up for Jada. Imagine how hard it is knowing your wife can't have her hair

pulled during sex with other men

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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

how do you know when your girlfriends getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's clothes

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I don’t know why so many people complain about quitting smoking. It’s super easy to do.

I’ve done it 11 times.

If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on

I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?

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and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this May!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later...

The police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

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Q: Do you know why Michael J. Fox makes such good milkshakes?

A: Because he uses really good ingredients, what did you think asshole?

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

Did you know that people who celebrate Ramadan can still have McDonalds?

Really - that’s because it’s fastfood

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

You know what they say about about wheelchairs

People can’t stand being in them

I just dropped my biro into a vat of acid. Do you know what happens when you drop a biro into a vat of acid?

Well, it de-pens.

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

My son asked, "What's God's name?" I replied, "Howard." Frowning, he said, "How do you know His name's Howard?" I smiled, "Well, people always say..."

"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it??

HeBrew

Did you know the US police have the most comprehensive and well maintained database of potential racist shooters?

They call it “the payroll”.

Did you know most men have three knees

The left knee, the right knee and the weinee

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Did you know?

Did you know that a sperm cell contains 35.75 MB of data. Making a load contain about 16TB

Yes i know, thats alot of information to swallow.

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas."

Luke Skywalker: "How could you possibly know?"

DV: "I have felt your presents."

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Growing up, I always though I was chandler. Now that I have an Appartment I know

that I'm actually ugly naked guy.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

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Did you know it’s considered incest if you fuck time?

That’s cause time is relative

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

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I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation anonymous meeting..

So I just came in my pants.

Do you know why cemeteries have fences?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

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Do you know what the difference between hoarding and collecting is?

Presentation

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

Did you know that Wordle comes with a free bonus game?

It's called "Try To Remember What Today's Word Was".

How do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?

If it was invented elsewhere, they'd call it a teethbrush.

didn’t know you had a vasectomy last year…

I kid you not.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Neighbor: “I’ll have you know our lawyer has a $50,000 retainer!”

Me: “Wow, how bad are his teeth?”

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You know what's fucked up about an invisible rapist?

You'll never see him coming

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is *un ouef*

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You know what women say to guys with big dicks?

Me neither

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I dont know whY.

You know what gets people down?

An extra chromosome!

(im sorry)

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Did you know a group of crows is called a murder?

Well… technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws

Did you know that birthdays are good for your health?

It’s a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer

Did you know that the first french fry wasn't cooked in France?

It was cooked in Greece.

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

Do you know what the reward is for the knight that wins the jousting tournament?

I can't tell you - it's a sirprize.

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

How do you know when a British person is demonstrating great hospitality?

You visit their house and they don't offer you their food.

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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You want to know the best place to meet cute bitches?

The dog park.

Did you know that necrophilia is legal in some places?

I wouldn't be caught dead there!

Did you know

Before the crowbar crows actually used to drink at home

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So Hitler dies and meets God...

God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell

Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?

God: Sure, why not

Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks

God: Why two Greeks?

Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about t...

i know your weight isn't of the utmost concern

But we have to adress the elephant in the room

Did you know that British serial killers can't die?

They're immoral, but with tea.

We all know the unfortunate end to 9, being that 7 8 9, but have your heard how 10 died?

He got caught in the middle of 9/11

We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.

My collection of board game inspired movies was robbed, but I dont know what was stolen

I have no clue

Did you know Princess Diana’s limo driver had a side job?

He was also a beaver trapper. He would sell his pelts at trade shows on his days off. Even when he wasn’t driving he liked to show fur.

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We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community...

We all know that there's a divide in the lepidopterist community, and that traditionally most of the glamour goes to the entomologists who study the butterflies, because they're so pretty and colorful, rather than the brown and grey moths. So for 364 days a year, the butterflyers get all the glory. ...

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

How did George Bush know there were WMDs in Iraq?

He got the receipt. lol

Everyone thinks that doves are the bird of love. You know what the true bird of love is?

The swallow.

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

Did you know that 50 cent's mother was german? Every time he did something wrong, she screamed

59!

Did you know that antivaxxers don't last as long in bed?

Especially if the bed is in a hospital.

how do we know communism was doomed from the beginning?

All the red flags

How do you know your prostate exam is going really wrong?

You've got two hands on your shoulders.

Did you know that Captain Kirk had 3 ears?

A left ear, right ear and the final front ear.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind.

His guts

Do you know how Vikings sent secret messages to one another?

They used the Norse Code.

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Did you know that 80% of men cant fall asleep after sex?

Because they still have to drive home to their wife.

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Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?

We don't let the homeless piss in our public bathrooms.

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

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I made a shit recipe with all the herbs and spices i know

Anyways it was a waste of thyme

In order to know what a recursion is...

You must first know what a recursion is.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter?

For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material.

Do you know what today is?

I told my boss with a giant smile.
He rolled his eyes and said "It's 4/20."
"4/20! Hell yeah!" I yelled.
As I started to walk away, he said "Wait, don't you know what tomorrow is though?"
Puzzled I said "No?"
"Random drug test day." He said back.

Do you know why they always called him Lord Vader?

Because when they tried Master Vader it made all the stormtroopers giggle.

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A man is driving down a road when he breaks down next to a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door and says "my car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and go...

Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achiless' Horse.

Uh oh, I've really opened a Pandora's Labyrinth here

Do you know what happens to students who plagiarize?

Bruce: Do you know what happened to students who plagiarize?

Clark: they failed

Bruce: they paste the test

Clark: damn you bruce

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How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

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Did you know that a penis can't be longer than 12 inches?

Because if it is, then it's a foot.

Do you know what it’s like to be a comedian with ADHD?

Why is this font so small?

Know what they called the Russian Ruble last week?

Currency

I asked my wife "So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?" And you know what she said?

"Please for the love of God could you stop wearing my bras!"

I told my dad he didn’t seem to know what it means to be a father…

He said he thought it was apparent

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You know that look that women get when they want to have sex?

Me neither!

How do you know your wife is cheating on you with your mechanic?

When you go to get your car back, one of his fingers is clean.

How do you know that a lawyer listens to U2?

They are working pro-Bono

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his ey...

I think I know the reason the film American Psycho has stayed so popular…

Everyone can get behind the message of murdering Jared Leto

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

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I don't know why everyone got so upset today when a bird stole my sandwich.

All I said was, "Fuck you, crane!"

I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so stupid.

In Soviet Era, the local party boss tells people to gather around the main city square and declares: Comrades! Come forth and let us know of your problems and complaints, I'll see to them personally.

Everyone remains silent in fear, but then suddenly Comrade Petrov steps forth and starts complaining: Akh! Comrade we are so miserable! We work so hard in the cold! There's nothing to eat! Our wages are unfair! The medicines don't work when we're ill! Bureaucrats demand bribes to get work done! The ...

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

A music critic told me I wouldn’t know music if it hit me in the face.

I knew a friend that had that experience

He’s in the hospital because he was listening to hard rock

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

Did you know that 'Muffins' spelt backwards...

...is what you do, when you take them out of the oven ?

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Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey did you know 1 out of every 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s Chuck because he’s really cute.”

i watched a commercial that said: "forget everything you know about stocks

so i did

then the commercial tried to sell me stocks, but i didn't know what the hell they were!

"Girl I know you're a push door..."

Because imma try to pull you and then look stupid

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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I don't know why people think homosexuality is contagious

If it was I'd definitely have caught it by now, after having sex with so many men

How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the "teeth brush."

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