UPJOKE
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Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
.
.

We only have one star.

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns?

They always fail their Constitution checks.

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But I think …. I’ll give it a shot.

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

I do a lot of naked modeling, but I never get paid for it.

I just do it for the exposure.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

What do you call something that runs but never gets anywhere?

A refrigerator.

"Hey man, I've never been in a two man rowboat before. Do I take this paddle or that one?"

"Either oar."

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends ...

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

When I was 30, I had never been on a date before

Now I'm 31.

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Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc.

I think its all staged.

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My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

What goes down but never goes up?

My parents expectations of me

Why should you never trust trees?

They’re shady

Some homeless man got overly angry with me when i said i have never heard of the newspaper he was selling

I don’t know what the big issue was

What's the only red flag you should never worry about?

Switzerland's, because it's a big plus

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Cause she's probably thick and tired of it

Never break someone's heart, they only have one.

Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

What's something we all want but can never grab?

A mist cake day.
(10 years yesterday, to be exact.)

Why should you never talk to pi?

Because it will go on forever.

I'm just glad Eminem will never be a mass shooter

He only gets one shot

Why did Helen of Troy never use painkillers?

Because paracetamol.

My girlfriend said "you never understand what I'm talking about"

I said " What the hell is that suppose to mean"

I never thought PT could fix my posture

But I stand corrected

As a large man I've never been able to properly wash my back

So my wife bought me a loofah on a stick.

Now I can put all that behind me.

Everyone keeps saying that I'll never amount to anything because of my bad habit of procrastinating.

I respond to that by replying, "Yeah?? Well you just wait"!!

How come you never read about Will Smith anymore?

Because paper covers Rock.

Why do you never BBQ on your roof?

The steaks are too high!

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

I promised myself I would never tell another fart joke...

...but sometimes they just sneak out.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why should you never upset your oven

It might get too heated

I’ve never been a fan of beards…

but they’re growing on me.

Why are witches never sweaty?

They wear moisture-wiccan clothes

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

How do you know Hemingway never lied?

Because he was always Ernest.

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'll let it go.

When a basketball player never misses a shot, he's a god...

When I never miss a shot, I'm an 'alcoholic'.

Never again giving money to those marathon charities

They took my money and ran away with it.

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender says “WOW I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get for you?”

“POP” goes the weasel

Never buy flowers from a monk...

Remember, only you can prevent florist friars.

I've never been married

But I've had a few near Mrs.

Why is the never any toilet paper at KFC?

It's finger lickin good!

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

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Paddy’s wife has never had an

orgasm so they go to the doctors.
After tests the doctor suggested Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.
Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex.
After 20 minutes of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap.
I'll...

Never argue with left handed people.

They're not right.

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything,

... but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

Why did a flock of seagulls never tour in iran?

Cause, Iran's so far away!

I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Never let others keep you down, never stop trying and never be afraid to fight for what you want.

Unless your name is Amber Heard in which case can you please stop? Like, now please?

How do you know that Abraham Lincoln never did anything wrong?

You can find him "in a cent."

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face...

when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because batman swore to protect goth ham

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

NEVER start a pillow fight with Death....

Unless your ready to face the Reaper cushions!!!!!!!

I never understood the expression "free.99"...

...it makes no cents

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

Or something like that...

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

Me: “I don’t want to ever see you anymore! I won’t let you hurt me like this again! Abuse is never acceptable!”

Trainer: “”It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.”

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

Call a girl beautiful thousand times and she'll not even notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants have very good memory.

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

Never accept a ride from a stranger

unless he/she gives you candy.

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What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

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the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

I never wanted to believe the rumors about my company’s tech department being abusive until I had to have them come fix an issue with my office computer.

And then IT hit me.

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

I've never brought a gal home to my studio apartment.

Part of me is worried that she'll judge me. After all, the place is pretty small.

But the other part of me is worried that she'll get a terrible sleep. Earplugs help, but even then it takes awhile to get used to my dad's snoring.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

My wife and I never got a divorce because of the kids:

Neither of us wanted them.

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They *fast* during Ramadan!

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A series of jokes because I never see the full set

Why are elephants so good at hiding in trees?

Because you never see them.

How do they hide in cherry trees?

They paint their balls red and climb up

What's the loudest sound in the Savannah?

A giraffe eating cherries.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

Why did egyptians never believe in science

Because they were in da Nile

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!

A Lion would never cheat on it’s wife.

But a Tiger Wood

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As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season....

I would love to congratulate myself for never watching a single fucking episode.

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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After my wife and I consummated our marriage during the honeymoon, she sat me down to address the first speed bump of our lifelong commitment. "Darling I know this is something men are very sensitive about, but really, having a small penis should never ruin the love between spouses."

She's absolutely right, but you know... I still wish she didn't have one

I hope death is a woman

That way it will never come for me.

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

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Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll piss on my grave"

And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol

2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

What comes, but never arrives?

My dad.

Never eat the calamari at the free legal benefit

That's squid pro quo

They said I’d never make it as a flasher….

I sure showed them!

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

Why do astronauts on the ISS never spend much time in queues?

Because they weightless.

I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!!

Too many stupid questions; whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

You're never gonna believe this

I was just taking a walk, minding my own business, when a gorgeous woman looked in my direction and screamed, "You're so hot! I love you!!"

You can ask Chris Hemsworth, he was standing right next to me!

There was a serial killer who killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer and never got caught

His name was Jeffrey Smahter

I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.

Except once in a Blue Moon.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t

So I went…

I saw my dad

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They said I could never rip out my p*nis masturbating

But leave it to me to pull it off.

A young boy enters a barber shop.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes t...

My family plays a lot of games during family game night, but one game never gets mentioned.

We don't talk about Uno.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

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Why do boxers never have sex before a fight??

They normally don't fancy one another

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part that he sticks in Olive Oyl.

An Old Lady buying Boots for a Texan

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, *“Sure is, little lady. W...

Two nuns were riding their bicylces down the backstreets of Rome, one old one and one young one. The young one sighs and says "wow, I've never come this way before"

The other nun said “It’s the cobblestones.”

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I have never paid a prostitute for sex

and they get really angry.

Two Racehorses Were Discussing Why They Never Win

Racehorse 1: "I don't get it. We eat the best food, have the best training, the best racehorse genes, are so so fast, and yet we never win."

Racehorse 2: "It's heart-breaking, I simply don't understand."

A dog overheard them and said: "If I may interject, I have watched you two closely...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

Why do you never see a pig in a tree?

Because pigs can't climb trees

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New shoes for dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to get him new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept sta...

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

The bear the moose and the wolf.

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"...

A fortune-teller told me that in 10-15 years, I would suffer the most terrible heartbreak any man has ever faced. I was so upset over learning this.

I decided to cheer myself up -- I adopted a puppy, and I've never been happier!

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry.

In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

Why should you never make a joke about height around a dwarf?

It’ll just go over their head.

I'm in my 40's and have never used essential oils in my life...

...which makes me think they're not really essential at all

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I ordered a book about sexual dysfunction on Amazon

It never came.

People said I’d never get over my obsession with Phil Collins.

But take a look at me now.

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

Why do vegans never argue?

Because they can't have beef.

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

I'm never going to find a soul mate.

I really only find redheads attractive.

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