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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

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My girlfriend told me she is never horny when she's on her period.. Walked in the bathroom that night and

She was masturbating. Caught her red handed.

Why does Tom Holland never drive?

Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Never date a girl that plays tennis

They may be athletic, but love means nothing to them.

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A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

I have never understood why women love cats

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm.

She said she doesnt want to disturb me while I'm at work.

Why do the French never have more than one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

Let me just say that I'll NEVER vaccinate myself or my children!

I'll rather have a healthcare worker do that.

How come you never see a Rhinoceros hiding in a tree?

Because they are really good at it.

What is a videogame people have been waiting forever and devs never seem to release the sequel?

Formula 1

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NSFW Growing up, I could never tell where my dick ended and my balls began...

But now I know there's a vas deferens between the two.

I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died

the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS

You can tell a girl she's pretty 1000 times & she'll never remember it, but if you call her fat just once she'll always remember it.

Elephants never forget.

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

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Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? ...

Never marry a tennis player...

...because love means nothing to them.

---

Good luck to everyone at the US Open!

An ice fishing joke never before posted here.

Billy Bob and his family decided to go ice fishing. So they loaded up all their tackle and headed up north and found a lake where they could go ice fishing with a tackle shop nearby in case they needed anything. When they got there the man behind the counter said they'd need ice picks for breaking t...

Bill Gates to Melinda: "I'll never cheat on you again."

"I give you my Word."

I've never choked on my own spit and I hope I never do.

It's just not something I have the aspiration for.

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Why should you never mix Non-Orthodox and Orthodox Jews?

Because one is basic, and the other is Hasidic.

The owner of the only abortion clinic that vowed to defy Texas' new law prohibiting abortions past 6 weeks says, it's never been busier...

"Currently we got a 24 month wait list"

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken ‘comes’ in another box.

Morecambe and Wise non-joke (they never got to the punchline)

There were two old men sat in deck chairs. One says: "It's nice out". The other says "Yes, I think I'll get mine out too."

There are two things that never get old

dark jokes and unvaccinated children

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

My grandfather never threw anything away. Bless him.

He even died, holding onto a grenade in the war.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

I'll never forget my son's 89th sentence

Dad, you remember weird stuff

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

Why should you never give a frog a piece of paper?

They'll always just rip it, rip it

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

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I never enjoyed the term "anal bleaching".

I prefer to call it "changing my ringtone".

My neighbour always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days.

One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I shoul...

The internet will never stop making fun of those taking Ivermectin for Covid.

Because the internet loves to beat a dead horse.

Basically, you'll never see the same doctor in two different places at the same time.

That would be a pair'o'docs

Why do you never see a fat ninja?

Because fat ninjas are the best ninjas.

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

What type of currency will Superman never accept?

Krypto-currency

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I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words

'Stop shaking the ladder ya little bastard'

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes

How I plan on never becoming a Grandparent..

I’ll be naming my daughter pregnant so when a guy meets her.

Guy: Hi, I’m Paul.

Her: Hi, I’m pregnant.

Case closed.

What drink never lies?

Honestea.

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

[oc] Why do you never invite a DJ to fishing

They always drop the bass

9/11 jokes never hit right

They always fall flat

Why do you never see an Airbus bounce on landing?

Because it doesn't boeing.

Why Do You Never See Camels Going To School With Cows?

Because they don't want to put up with that drama dairy.

(My wife came up with this, don't hate me.)

Why is the Middle Eastern mariner never allowed in heaven?

He Sinned Bad

People ask why I never finish my paintings

I remind them I am a black belt in partial arts!

Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

say less...

Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud?

They just give aloha!



Credit to the roommate, caught me off guard

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

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What’s one product Microsoft can never put their name on?

Boner Pills !

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

A Local United Way Office Realized That the Organization Had Never Received a Donation From the Town’s Most Successful Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give...

Never lie on your CV . . .

. . . It'll get all crumpled

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

What's one thing you'll never hear a Hindu say?

"Ah well, you only live once."

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An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

"Our chance of survival..." "Never tell me the odds!"

"...is \_2.\_6\_%"

Why should Bo never cook dinner on Christmas?

Because he always Burnham

You should never trust your balls.

Because they’re nuts. haha see what i did there?

Biden will NEVER get my guns

I keep them upstairs

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

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A family had a kid that never spoke

They took him to see several doctors, but none was able to help. Eventually, the parents gave up. But then one day, as they were having a breakfast together, the kid suddenly said:
"There's no juice in my glass."
The parents were beyond shocked.
"Sweetheart, you can speak?"
"I can."
"...

My Mother lived to be 98 years old, and SHE never needed glasses..

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

I’ll never forget the time I had to do PE in my underwear after forgetting my shorts.

It ended my teaching career there and then.

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Never trust someone who’s constipated

They’re full of shit

Coach after a lost match: I told you to play like never before...

Not like you never played before!

Since my work is reliant on it i might be biased, but i never understood why people say wind power is ineffective

Honestly i'm a big fan

Why is there never enough food in Budapest?

Because it’s Hungary.

Man walks into a bar and never comes out

miss you dad

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

There was once a time period where musicians never made any money....

During the Baroque period.

A wise man once told me to never give up on my dreams.

That is why I keep sleeping.

Why did the guy who never crashed his car get pulled over?

Wreck-less driving

I will never understand why it's spelt "John Cena"...

...and not " "

I never tell my wife how much I love her

I don't want to upset her.

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

It might never stop raining in England

Yet german weather will be always Wetter.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Never forget, you're unique.

Just like everybody else.

Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ?

Because they drank it all

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

You should never need to use Plan B if you just stick to Plan A.

Anal

As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...

I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

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I will never think of coconuts the same again.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservati...

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

I could never be a greeter at a steakhouse.

They always want you to pick your cut from the case before you are seated.

I wouldn’t know whether to ask customers to stake their claim or claim their steak.

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

Why do keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

You should never put anything in the oven at 180 degrees...

You are just going to drop all the food...

What roman never gets any dates?

Hidius

I never learn the true meaning of NTR until recently.

'Nothing to report.' Said the girl.

Which actor could never play Quasimodo?

Humpfree Bogart

Believe it or not, I’ve never seen 101 Dalmatians.

Only a dozen at most.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

Bribery is never the answer...

At least, that is what they paid me to say

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What do you call a girl who never masturbates?

You call her a liar

My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

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What is the one phrase you will never hear Guy Fieri say on Diners , Drive-Ins and Dives?

This tastes like crap.

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never understood couples bragging about trying for kids.

You say "yea we have been trying for a child for months now"

I hear "Yea I've been doing HUGE Cum dumps in her pussy for Months. No luck yet"

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

I have a friend, Horizon, who has never seen a dawn before

I guess you could call him Horizon: Zero Dawn

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

My father was never proud of me.

When I was younger he sat me down and asked, "Son, why haven't you made anything of yourself? Done something with your life? Something I can brag about to the guys at work?"

And I looked up to him, sincerity in my eyes as I admitted, "Dad, I'm only 5 years old."

And he responded, "Son,...

Never go bowling with a mathematician

They always find the X's

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

I would never ever cheat in a Relationship..

because that would require 2 people to find me attractive.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

What is the one thing that we will never see happening in the U.S.?

School shooting...


where the shooter is eating a Kinder Surprise Egg.

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