Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

I once dated a girl, who owned a parrot. The thing would never shut up.

The parrot was cool though.

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Never have sex on the phone

You could get hearing AIDS

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Never call your heroin Jesus Christ.

You shouldn’t take the lords name in vein.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country

Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

Why did Clark Kent never have a babysitter?

Because he had super vision.

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So i went.


And I saw my dad.

My jokes never get any upvotes........

I demand a recount.

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Why do inmates never have sex?

Because they're In-Cells

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

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I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words

“Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!”

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

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NSFW DARK JOKE: Never eat out a woman who had an abortion.

That shit is haunted.

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

Why can clarinet players never get a date?

They always get left on reed

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

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I just bought a Mitch Hedburg Album I've never heard before. "Mitch Hedburg: The Lost Jokes"

It was blank.

I was raised to believe that girls never lied.

So when I was out with my best friend at the cinema, one of the female workers there said she knew how to get into the cinema for free, so I believed her. She took me to an empty cinema and started to lower the lights and started to remove her clothing. I was confused but I went along with it. The m...

I never thought my love life would make me quit my job at the apiary.

Then I saw her face....

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

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I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

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I will never forget it you know . . .

One time my boyfriend Ernie looked at me and said Soph if you could learn to cook we could fire the chef. I said if you could learn to fuck we could fire the chauffeur.

What is black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee.

Why should you never buy trousers from the Ukraine?

Chernobyl Fallout.

You know why anti-vax jokes never get old?

Because they never last very long.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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Arnold Schwarzeneggar never has mice, rats or cockroaches in his house

He is an ex Terminator

I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”

PS: it was a joke

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

They told me I would never make it as a comedian

Well, no one's laughing now

I’ve never been married...

... but I’ve had a few near Mrs.

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

Why do you never see chess jokes ?

No one likes them, they always have a bad pawn

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

What do you never tell your diabetic son?

Sweet dreams.

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

I set one of my best friends ringtone to Never gonna give you up so every time he calls me I get rickrolled.

I haven’t been rickrolled in 3 months.

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

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Never trust your toilet

Because it's moving your shit around

An Australian woman takes out a personal advert to find herself a man who has never slept with a woman before.

She finally gets a reply from a man who has spent his entire life in the outback. They meet and hit it off immediately and, after a brief engagement, they get married. On the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all...

As a lad I never understood threesome.

Why would I want to disappoint 2 ladies at the same time.

You can never run through a campground, you can only ran

Because it's past tents.

Why can some German people never get Covid?

Because they are in munich

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac...

They always take things, literally

Never by a blanket from the Dallas Cowboys secondary...

...they can't cover anybody!

Why should you never joke about Jesus’ execution?

Some people might get cross.

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I complained to my wife that we never have sex.



Of course zero fucks were given

Vegans never have arguments between them.

Cause they dont want any kind of beef.

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

I carry tissues around with me so I never get an STD

I always have kleenexes

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

My boyfriend never gets my fruit puns

Perhaps I should let this mango.

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A snake was laughing at an elephant. He said: " Hahahah... i've never seen anyone with a dick on his face before!". The elephant was cross. He replied: "Look at yourself. Your face is on your dick!"

Source: not mine.

Why is there never a food shortage on the planet of Tatooine?

Because of the abundance of sand which is there.

What does a ghost of Christmas past never get?

A present.

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My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn't have time to.

Due to the results of this election I'm jetting this country and most of my friends and family will never see me again

Sincerely,

Donald Trump

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Butter late than never

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

Remember to NEVER taste-test liquid samples on the job!

Anyways, thank you for listening for my story on how I lost my job at the hydrochloric acid processing plant.

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Never have sex with a garden hose...

They’re too kinky.

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"

Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

I'm never going bungee jumping.

Broken rubber brought me into the world. It's not going to take me out.

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

Why should you never offer a Klan Member a high five?

because they always leave you hanging.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

I never did super well in English class

But I always got an A for affort!

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

Women say, Men never listen.

Never heard my wife say that..

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

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It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

At least it was something like that.

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

Violence is never the answer

Violence is a question and the answer is **yes.**

Why do keyboard never sleeps?

Because they have two shifts. :)

Mike Pence could never play Among Us

There’s too much sus Pence for him

Why should the government never use protestors in circuits?

They have too much resistance.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

I’ll never understand how the song Free Bird became a meme amongst musicians

Anyway here’s wonderwall

I heard a policeman say "I'll never forget nine eleven"

And I thought "Well, duh, that's your phone number".

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on t...

I never get called for jury duty.

Lawyers are afraid of having a hung jury.

Never ever call a lady fat!

Because elephants don't forget.

Why should you never kill someone at the circus?

Because you'll be charged with murder within tent...

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke.

We are in a very serious relationship.

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

A friend of mine has never had Mexican before....

So I took him to a nearby food truck that had a delicious assortment of options. He went up to the food truck owner.

Friend: Hi I have never had Mexican before. I was wondering if you can describe what some of these are.

Food truck owner: Certainly sir! Which would you like to know ab...

Why do blind people never go skydiving?

Scares the hell outta the dog.

My roommate borrowed my mayo and never gave it back.

What the Hellmann?

Joe Biden will never be my president

partially because I'm not American, but he will be the president of the united states.

My parents never taught me how to groom my hair.

It all fell on my shoulders.

If you were to ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he would never give it to you.

In doing so, he would let you down.

Thus creating the rickroll paradox.

At nighttime, never tell your dominatrix girlfriend

it's time to hit the sack.

Never ask Jeffery Dahmer for lettuce

He doesn't have any loose leaf


But he always has a head in the fridge

I used to be a painter but I could never stop crying...

The work was just so emulsional

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

Why do transphobes never buy anything?

Because that would require trans action

I've never heard a good circumcision joke.

They always get cut off right at the end.

I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies

Yup, he’s my screen-savior

I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

How come the media never says anything positive about trump?

Until today there was nothing to report.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you’ll get jurasskicked!

What never stops being cool?

Ice. If it stops being cool, it already turned to water.

What’s the only place a man would drop his kids off at, but never pick them up from...

....a sperm bank.

Why do cows never have any money?

Because the farmers milk them dry!

Why should you never trust a deaf pirate?

In case of mute-iny

I would never vaccinate my kids

I'll let the doctor do it

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go

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Russell Crowe never really liked performing cunnilingus on a woman but after having tried it for the first time...

he was gladiator.

I never got school shooter jokes

Guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

Never upset a pediatrician.

They have very little patients.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

What key do we almost never lose?

PINKEY

One thing my dad told me, "Son never explain yourself to anyone."

He never did tell me why.

My town never changes population

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

My wife pulled into the driveway and excitedly told me "Honey, you'll never guess who I ran into at the protest today!"

I said I couldn't possibly guess, who?

"I don't know either, we'll have to watch the news to find out. Now please help me hose the blood off our truck!"

My mind has never been changed by anyone, not even once.

It's been naked its whole life

I wish i never get in the plane with Ben Shapiro.

He would destroy the left-wing.

I never thought I'd get the hang of incest

But I really feel like I've come into my own lately

You should never pay to use a psychic

If they were any good, they'd know you weren't going to pay them!

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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