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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.

But then I came to my census

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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What’s black and never works?

Decaffinated coffee you racist bastard

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t

So I went…

I saw my dad

I tried donating blood today. NEVER AGAIN!!

Too many stupid questions; whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

I will never forget my grand mothers last words

She said "quite playing with fire near my dress"

You know why you should never date a tennis player?

Love means nothing to them.

Never tell a date you like your women like you like your coffee

Especially if you're about to order a flat white.

I cared for my sick dad in his last days, and I'll never forget his last words

"I think those were the wrong pills Billy."

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I never send dick pics.

I'm more of a "disappoint them in person" type of guy.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Why have Barbie and Ken never had a baby?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

Why does Popeye's tool never rust?

Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.

I'm never going to find a soul mate.

I really only find redheads attractive.

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But their always stuck at sea

There has never been a ghost sighting in Finland

All the ghosts who died there went on to the afterlife due to them having no un-Finnish-ed business.

Which ethnic group do you never see holding a housewarming party?

Eskimos.

You will never ever hear A HINDU tell YO MAMMA JOKE

BEcause we consider cows to sacred.

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A little boy never saw his buttocks.

The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..

"Oh my God she split it in half. "

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

I've never fully trusted stairs

They're always up to something

I used to think I was bad at dating in high school as I never had a girlfriend.

Prince Andrew must have been way worse, he was 45 when he got a high school girlfriend!

NEVER, EVER, drop acid

Always take it, pass/fail

I would never get on a plane with Ben Shapiro

He would try to destroy the left wing.

What do you call a Christian Mingle date who never returned your message?

The Holy Ghost.

You should never play with ouija

Tom is telling his friends not to play with ouija.

"You should never ever play with ouija, it is really horrible..."

His friends are getting nervous. Tom continued,

"Last week, Karen asked ouija a question, and now she is still in that room."

"She asked ouija, '*w...

I've never been really good at owning up to my actions and responsibilities

Can't believe my parents raised me this way.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

Never insult an Italian Baker

He'll beat the focaccia.

How do you make sure World War III never happens?

You sell the rights to Valve.

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

“For sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn.”

—Any Reputable Baby Shoe Salesman

Why do people with foot fetishes never win anything?

Because they like defeat.

A farmer man had never left his area

So, he decides to take a week vacation on the nearest big city.



When he comes back, his fellow farmers, start asking how it was and what did he thought of the big city and he answers that he was very impressed by the very big buildings, the huge amount of people and cars all buzzing ...

Alcohol is never the answer

“Alcohol?” is the question. “Yes” is the answer

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

I hope I never get addicted to skiing..

... but it's a slippery slope

Grandpa told me to never go to a brothel. I'd see things, he said, I shouldn't see.

I still went there.

And it was true. So horribly, horribly true.

I saw grandpa.

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

Never fight a math teacher

You’ll always be outnumbered

You know, Will Smith can never get lost....

because where there is a Will, there is a way.

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I'm never going to my therapist again!

me: I'm afraid of communists

therapist: would you like to share more?

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

.
But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

It's a shame that, for all Weird Al's talents, he'll never know the ultimate height of fame

He'll never be parodied by Weird Al.

Why did the cat never finish the movie?

It kept hitting paws.

I'll Never Buy Colgate Toothpaste Ever Again...

It says "guaranteed whiteness" after 2 weeks... It has been 4 weeks and I am still Asian.

Why do Jedi never order vodka at a bar?

Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.

Neil never had a girlfriend

So he became Neil Armstrong

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

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Parrot's bitchin to his owner about how he never gets laid

So the owner picks up the phone and calls a friend with a female parrot, asks how much the mating fee would be? Friend says fifty bucks and the owner says fine. So the owner brings the parrot to the friend's house and puts him in a dark room with the female parrot, goes to have a drink with his frie...

Woman stopped me at the station and said for twenty bucks she'd do things my wife would never dream of ...

I gave her twenty bucks and she ironed three shirts.

Never marry an archaeologist.

They're always digging up the past!

Never trust an atom

They make up everything.

My wife can't speak so she never says goodbye.

Goes without saying.

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Never get into an argument with a plastic surgeon.

I've just had my arse handed to me.

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

I've never had to write a paper on John F. Kennedy before.

But I'll have a shot at it.

Our bassist never shows up for practice

Mostly 'cause he can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

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What form of martial arts would hitler never use?

Jew-Jutsu

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An old one, but never forgot it.

A lady gave birth to her first child. Hateful of the baby boy, when asked what to name him she replied "Name him Shit and get on with it, I need to go home and make dinner."

Shit would never stop crying, so by the time the second baby arrived the lady decided to name him Shut Up, hoping he'l...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

Why do oncologists never get a break?

Because they’re always _oncol_

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

Never discuss Infinity with a Mathematician.

They can go on about it forever.

A Johnny Carson joke I've never forgotten.

One of those memories that are shrapnel from another time.

Johnny: Boy, it's really cold outside.

Audience: HOW COLD IS IT!?

Johnny: Well it's so cold... I saw a flasher describe himself to someone.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...

Call a woman beautiful 1000 times, and she'll never remember. Call her fat one time, and she'll never forget. You know why?

Elephants never forget.

I ask my boyfriend where do you wanna go for the holidays. He said somewhere I’ve never been before

i said try the gym

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

Why do eskimos never punish their children?

Because they can't stand in the corner.

What do you call a man who never tells the truth, and marries a queen?

The lyin’ king

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

There was once an Egyptian Pharaoh rumored to have never passed gas...

His name was Toot-Uncommon.

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Never Dies

They say smoking a cigarette reduces 3 minutes of a person's life.

They say fucking adds 15 minutes to a person's life.

This basically means, "A fucking smoker never dies!"

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

China should never take part in the Cricket World Cup

They can screw over any country with just a bat

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

My self-deprecating jokes never get a laugh…

I guess I’m not very good at telling them.

I asked my wife why she never told me when she has the big O

She said she hates to bother me when I’m at work

Planet Vegeta should've never been destroyed

I'm just Saiyan

I will never date a trans person, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Besides, my wife would kill me.

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

I've never been wrong my entire life.

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

What group of people never get angry?

The nomads!

I've never believed in lizard people

That was until I met an argonian

What happens when North becomes an adult and Kim finally admits to Kanye that North was never really his ?

“18 years, 18 years!”

Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court?

Sediment always settles

Personally, I would never go to see the Eiffel Tower in cloudy weather

I dont't see the point.

New parents always brag about how magical it is, but their friends never understand why until they themselves have kids. Only then can they feel the strong evolutionary emotion...

...of making a major mistake and wanting your friends to be stuck in the same barrel with you for the next two decades. Welcome to the club Doug, now go forth and tell the others how magical it is.

What does Anakin Skywalker never order at a restaurant?

Sandwiches.

Over 90% of the things you worry about, never happens.

Which proves....Worrying really works.

My Neighbor always seems to hang up his laundry on sunny days, but never on rainy days. One day I decided to ask him how he always knew which days to hang his laundry.

"Well," he explained, "if I wake up and my wife is lying on her side, I know it's going to rain and I shouldn't hang my laundry. If I wake up and she's lying on her front, I know it's not going to rain and I should hang my laundry."

"That's a very interesting method," I replied, "but what if ...

A battle rapper who never lies

Is diss honest

I will never go bungee jumping

A broken rubber brought me into this world and it won't take me out.

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.

I also have a joke that's never heard before!

My neighbor is going to court for allegedly beating his wife and kids with his belly muscles.

He's being tried for domestic ab use.

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

Never challegne Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband...

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I sa...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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Are you kidding me?? I'm never donating blood again. Nothing but questions as soon as you go in.

Shit like, "Where did you get it?" Or, "Why is it in a bucket?"

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

Son: "Mom says you never buy her flowers"

Dad: "I didn't know she sold flowers"

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

My ex dumped me because I never repaid her for the deodorant she bought me.

I odour a lot of money.

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

You can never trust an artist

Theyre super sketchy

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

...

My friend told me they had never heard of Adele. And I was like:

"Me neither, I use a Mac."

My grandfather told me to never spend money on expensive headphones.

That was some sound advice.

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I complained to my wife that we never have sex

Of course, zero fucks were given.

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny

you may think it's funny but it's snot

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You should never trust people with constipation.

Because they are full of shit

My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season"

One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"

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What’s something you never see at a sexually transmitted disease clinic?

A Redditor.

Why should red blood cells never say 'jesus christ!'

Because you never take the lord's name in vain

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."

"Very interesting," says the doctor. "Can you demonstrate for me?" So the guy lets out a very loud fart.

"I think I know what the problem is," says the doctor. He goes to his closet and gets a very long stick with a hook on the end.

"Hold it!" says the patient. "What are you going to d...

People never like my cake day jokes

I feel desserted

I’ll never forget what my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket

“Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket”

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How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

Never blame someone else for the road your life is on.

That's your own asphalt.

You should never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

Which designer fashion brand would never print their name on panties?

The Gap

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees

Because they are so good at it

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

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