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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

My boyfriend never gets my fruit puns

Perhaps I should let this mango.

I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

I put Jesus on my background pic and now my phone never dies

Yup, he’s my screen-savior

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you’ll get jurasskicked!

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

One thing my dad told me, "Son never explain yourself to anyone."

He never did tell me why.

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it’s their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.

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I will never forget my grandpa's last words.

Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!

They say a woman's work is never done...

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

I never got school shooter jokes

Guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

Why was Barbie never pregnant

Because Ken always came in another box

I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where

my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

Elephant Never Forgets

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.

The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.

The elephan...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

I'd never let my children go to the opera

There's just too much sax and violins

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My friend asked why I never used condoms

I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

Do you know why you Never see a crow dead in the road??

There’s always one on a telephone line shouting CAARR CAARRR CAR

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

My wife complains I never buy her flowers

I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

Never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

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I would never be sexist, sexism is wrong

And being wrong is for women

I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Why should you never fart in an apple store?

They don't have Windows!

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

Why do trees never get Christmas presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her…

Or something like that. I dunno I wasnt really listening.

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

I never knew laundry could be so racist...

They're always telling you to separate the whites from the coloured???

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

Why should you never get undressed in front of a Pokemon?

They might Pikachu

Do you know why ants are never sick?

It's because they have little anty bodies

They told Beethoven he'd never be good at music.

But did he listen?

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

A lion would never cheat on his wife

But a Tiger Wood

Tell a girl she's beautiful a million times and she'll never notice

Call her fat once and she'll never forget it.
Because...
.
.
.
Elephants never forget.

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My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn’t have time to.

Why should you never listen to coins?

It never makes any cents

They say you should never make the same mistake twice

So I make them at least 5 times just to be sure

Never in my wildest dreams I thought that

I would wear a mask to bank and ask for money

Why do aliens never visit earth

Because it has one star

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Why did the fisherman never get any sex?

His wife always had a haddock.

What kind of doctor has never lost a patient

A new one

I could never eat 288 eggs

It'd be two gross.

What secret society would Santa never be a part of?

The Illuminaughty

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

2 reasons I’ll never give money to a homeless man

1: They need money for drugs
2: I need money for drugs

A vacuum cleaner is never broken

Even when out of use it still gathers dust

I will never go Bungee jumping.

A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isnt taking me out

Why people never believe giraffes?

Because they tell tall tales

Why has our solar system never been visited by aliens?

Bad reviews; only one star.

Credit's to Sebastion Elytron; where ever you may be.

Why do the police never answer a call from dyslexics

Because the always dial 191

I would never vaccinate my children, that's reckless and dangerous.

I let the doctor do it.

I’ve never really understood how jokes work

So one day I told my friends I was going to be doing some comedy. I even got a bouncer and rolled out a red carpet for this big event. I texted everyone I knew. I was so excited for it. However, when my friends showed up and saw me standing at the end of the carpet with boxing gloves on, they turned...

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What do you call an Arab that's never had sex?

Hassan Bin Laid

I've never understood the concept of bullying

Why are YOU mad that I'M ugly?

You should never fat-shame people

They've already got enough on their plate

podiatrist can never win

They have already seen da feet

I tried to donate blood today... NEVER AGAIN!

So many questions,

Who's blood is that?
How did you get it?
Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.

What do you call someone who has never paid attention to ants?

Ignorant.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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Growing up in the south , my dad told me to never date a virgin

He told me if they ain't good enough for their family, then they aren't good enough for ours.

Why do fashion designers never have any good ideas?

They're too clothes minded.

I never argue with my brother for the front seat

Last time i called shotgun, he drew one

NEVER get married because...

100% of marriages end in divorce or death.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

You know why you should never ask a dog for an estimate on something?

Because it's always ruff...

(Thought of this while walking the dog and now just hoping it's good enough that one day I see it reposted in here)

Only stupid people never change their minds

That's what I've always said.

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Never have French babies come to your home.

They always poop in the couches.

NEVER get a hamburger in Athens.

Way too Greecey.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

When the magician failed at his trick, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. He never felt so embarassed.

He just wanted to disappear.

What do you call a witch who can never decide between casting good or bad spells?

A trans-hex-ual.

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

If you’ve never used a telescope before...

You should look into it.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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I've never been able to tell jokes

I always punch up the fuckline

I never get into arguments with ballerinas

they always have a strong point

I have an Asian friend who never says anything untrue.

Literal Lee.

A man asks his wife why she never tells him when she comes

She replied: “I hate to call you while you are working”

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

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Never have sex before 20

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

Did you know that Jesus had a Honda, but never talked about it?

“For I did not speak of my own accord”
-John 12:49a

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

A friend once asked me "You've never said no to a beer have you?!"

So I told him
"By the time I start talking to my drinks I lose the ability to recall it the next day!"

Why do some engineers never get kicked out of anything?

They're civil engineers.

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You can call me a loser all you want but I know I'm a winner. Always have been one. Never lost a thing.

Not even my virginity.

Never invite a circle to a party

They tend to make one-sided conversations.

I asked my pen why it never moves.

It wrote "sorry, I'm stationary"

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I never thought it was possible for clocks to have sex

But when the time came, I finally knew

As long as you know these three words you will never be broke...

“Stick em up!”

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

"Once you go black, you never go back"...

To cream with your coffee.

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I’ve never understood the difference between butter and ghee.

Perhaps someone could clarify.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Keyboards never sleep

because they have two shifts.

Never marry a melon

You'll always be stuck with a honey do list.

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

What doctor should never draw your blood?

Dr acula

Never turn your back on family

Because in Alabama it’s illegal to do reverse cowgirl

The American Military will never win another conflict.

Our enemies can just ask us to quarantine and we'll immediately refuse to hide.

Better late than never?

Mrs: Shame on you! I heard the news about your affair! You have an eighteen-year-old mistress!
Mr: You got the news late! She is now a twenty-three-year-old!

What do you call a boy with anxiety who never grew up?

Peter Panic.

What room can you never enter?

A mushroom.

(From my 5yo.)

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

What do workers in a tea factory never get?

Coffee breaks

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

I almost never have a beer.

But I often have ten.

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Donald Trump has never finished reading a novel.

He can't make it passed chapter 11.

As kids, we were gullible enough to believe in fictional characters we never see like Santa and the Easter Bunny. As adults, we know better...

Thank God.

Why can you never starve in a desert?

Because of all the sand which is there

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle after spending years teaching the natives. Suddenly he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, th...

Never date a girl

Never date a girl,



who can't respect your wife.

2 things never get old.

-Anti-Vaxxer Jokes
-Their children

I usually ask people what LGBTQ means.

I never get a straight answer.

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You know I have never sent a dick pic in my life...

I just don’t have the balls.

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