If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

What a Werewolf is called if he doesn't Know Anything?

Unawarewolf! :)

When I was a boy my parents told me I could do anything...

...so I gave up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn't sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I was playing the bee side

Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Magician: I can make disappear

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

My wife told me not to get her anything for Valentine's day and I didn't ....

..... and she's so proud of me, she's taking me out for a walk in the woods. Don't know what the pistol and the shovel are for though.

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey t...

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

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I took this art class and the teacher said, “draw anything.”

So, of course, your boy likes wordplay, so I decided to draw water.

I call the teacher over to look at my artwork that I finished and she said, “You didn’t draw anything.”

I said “Yes I did.”

She said, “No you didn’t.”

I said “Um... last time I checked, water was clear, s...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

My grandma always told me « anything you do, should be done one leg after another »,

she never wanted to admit she just suck at hopscotch.

Police officer: Anything you say can and will be held against you...

Me: tiddies

I have a serious problem of chewing with my mouth open when I eat anything...

...my family is always horrified when I masticate in public.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Met a hooker who said she’d do anything for $100.

Guess who’s getting their front porch re-done!

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.

My friend told this to me the other day, so I apologize if this is a repost or anything like that.

A man is pulled over for speeding.

Police Officer: Sir, were you aware you were going 68 MPH on a 45?

Man: No sir.

Officer: Well, you were, and that's far too high. You'll have to be in court.

Man: Well, can you at least raise the number a bit so we can get the judge to s...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

I was just reading a great book saying that if a company does anything unethical, people will stop supporting it and it'll go out of business.

Here's the Amazon link to it!

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

If anything happens to me, everything I own goes to my dog

He’s my Heir Bud

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

Why didn't the Capitol-storming Trump supporters bring anything to quench their thirst?

Because before they got there they had already drank the 'Q'-laid.

If Snapchat has taught me anything ...

... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

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A man is being arrested by a woman police officer, she says to him, "Anything that you say can and will be held against you."

The man then replies, "Boobs please!"

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Anything's funny when you put an old man in it

Except for the ground

Mom told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up

But apparently identity theft is some sort of a crime

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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I like those black and white films where no one says anything

Interracial Porn

Why do dragons never finish anything on time?

bc they like to drag on and on.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

A real man should not be watching his girl pay for anything

That’s why I stand outside

A second girlfriend

To see her reaction,he told her that he wants a second girlfriend,

In the first day he didn't see anything.

In the second day he didn't see anything.

In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.

Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though

They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

A “joke” my friend made up in middle school to prove I’d laugh at anything (I cried laughing unfortunately)

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The server comes up to him and says: “what’ll you have?”

The man says “I’ll take blood in a monkey glass”.

The bartender says “excuse me?”

The man says “blood in a monkey glass, ya know just...blood in a monkey glass”

The bartender...

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

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I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

Gotta take the local brothel to court. They said their employees would do *anything* for a hundred each, so I hired the whole joint.

Not a single log got chopped up, despite clear instructions.

Magician: I can make anything disappear!

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.

Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

My Pops Asked If I Had Ever Done Anything Brave

I said.....Hell Yeah, I farted once when I had diarrhea

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

I went to the doctor’s recently. He told me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor: No fatty. Don’t eat anything.

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

If it weren't for food stamps, I wouldn't have anything to eat.

But man do they taste awful!

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

How come the media never says anything positive about trump?

Until today there was nothing to report.

Why do transphobes never buy anything?

Because that would require trans action

Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning?

Because they 8-2 much last night.

My wife always said, "If anything ever happens to me I want you to meet someone new."

Turns out that her getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything".

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The fr...

A bride gets drunk at her reception and wakes up with a hangover, unable to remember anything she did at the reception. She asks her maid of honor what happened.

"Your groom and I got drunk and started dancing together," says the maid of honor. "Then you got drunk, and the alcohol must have made you so aggressive that when you saw us dancing, you kicked him in the balls."

"Ouch!" says the bride. "That must have hurt."

"It sure did!" says the ma...

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

Need help. My Glade air freshener stopped working. I can't find anything wrong with it.

It just doesn't make any scents.

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

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A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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[NSFW] Anything you want

My wife left for work this morning, and almost immediately I got a call from my next door neighbour telling me to come around quick as she needed my help.

So, I knock on her door, and she opens the door in a robe and immediately drags me into the living room. She then drops the robe to revea...

Wife: “do you want anything to eat?”

Husband: “what are the choices?”

Wife: “Your choices are Yes or No..”

Her: He says no to condoms because he can't feel anything through them.

Me: What an insensitive prick!

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Apples that taste like anything

A man walks in a bar and asks for a gin and tonic, the bartender then hands him a apple and says “trust me it will taste like a gin a tonic” so the man takes a bite of it and says “oh it takes like gin” then turns it around and says “oh it takes like tonic” another man walks in and asked what’s up w...

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A prostitute approached me and said, “Hey baby! $500 for anything you want.”

I asked, “Anything??”

She said, “Anything you desire. You just need to say it in 3 words.”

I thought about it for a minute and said, “Paint my house.”

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

"Now before we lower the casket, anyone want to say anything?"

"I'm vegan"

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Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

The horse government never gets anything done...

The politicians always vote Nay.















I'm sorry

When at the airport, if you get asked "Anything to declare?"

It's not the best response to say "A Thumb War".

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I awoke from my operation

A nurse was leaning over me and said "you may not feel anything from the waist down."

So I fondled her tits.

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A old husband tells his old wife:- " can't feel anything in my butt" she says:- "are you serious?"

He says:- " i am deadass serious"

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After a horrible accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me. She explained to me sympatheticly, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” I nodded and groaned, "I understand."

So I felt her breasts…

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

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It's my cake day, so here's a classic!

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a sex shop and...

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

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A son is choking

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three coins to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face turning blue! The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the ...

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

What do you call a cow that falls for anything ?

Gullibull

Not to brag or anything

but I don’t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

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Jimmy’s wife is tired of him never buying her presents for anything

So she creates a plan to get some nice jewelry and some action for herself. She approaches her husband with a piece of paper, written on it is a list of gifts and rewards. She says, If you start spoiling me I’ll give you something extra each night, a nice dinner gets you a sexy outfit, a necklace ge...

An Irish an English man and a Scottish man got sent to prison for ten years

They are given a ten year supply of anything the English man asks for ten years of tea the Scottish man asks for ten years of cigarettes and the Irish man asks for ten years of whiskey ten years later the guards let them out the English man is happily drinking tea the Irish man is smashed and when t...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

I'm not a hypocrite or anything...

but people who start sentences with 'I'm not \_\_\_ or anything' suck.

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,...

A man is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights up ahead.

It transpires a lorry load of penguins has turned over. The police are frantically trying to herd the penguins off the road to safety.

As he arrives at the scene he sees an officer with a penguin under each arm. He rolls down the window and says, "Officer is there anything I can do to help?" ...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole's Law?

No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"



The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

IAMA professional bomb diffuser. Ask me anything.

edit: wow, this blew up

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

How many capitalists are needed to change a lightbulb?

None. Capitalists are not _needed_ for anything. They just tagged along to ask for lighting subsidies

"An education doesn't mean anything!" my wife shouted. "It's just sheets of paper."

"So is a dictionary," I replied, "but that means quite a lot."

Never say anything offensive to Cats.

You might hurt their Felines.

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

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I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Ima...

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

I have an Asian friend who never says anything untrue.

Literal Lee.

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

My French friends can get me to do anything. I'm highly susceptible to Pierre pressure.

I don't know what a "tua" is but, I think I could manage one.

stalin was giving a speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze.


Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupt...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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A couple goes to a sex therapist...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

Why is my babushka never late to anything

Because she’s always Russian

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(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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2 Hobo's are walking along a road

They come across a bridge with a man dangling another man by his ankles over the edge.

They rush over and hear "YEP". With that the man is lifted up holding a fish in his hands.

The Hobo's hungry and desperate for food asked if they could have a go and were quickly chased off by the 2 ...

Three rich guys bury a friend

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin a...

Mr. Heisenberg was driving too fast on a road when he suddenly got stopped by a police. Heisenberg asked the following "Is anything wrong, officer?" which the police replied with "Are you out of your mind? You were driving 250 kilometers per hour!"

To that Mr. Heisenberg said "Aw damn it! Now I don't know where I am!"

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." said ...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 beers

The bartender doesn’t say anything and gives him his three beers,the man drinks all three and leaves

This goes on for a couple weeks and eventually the bartender gets curious enough to ask.

He says “Why do always buy three beers at once ?”

The man says to the bartender “ Back in...

I always make sure to get totally stoned before going to auctions, so even if I don’t snag anything...

...I’m always the highest bidder...

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