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Anything Jokes

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

I saw Black Panther 2 without knowing anything about it.

I had no idea Wakanda movie it was.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

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Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

why don't foot fetishists ever win anything?

because they like the taste of defeat.

i'm not even sorry.

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

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"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

King Charles actually farted in the middle of his coronation, but no one really said anything.

This is because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

The waitress told me I could ask her 'anything about the menu'

What a liar. She had no idea who printed it or where the paper came from.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

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What do you call someone who can masteurbate to anything?

A "jack-off-all-trades"!

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I'm so competitive, Ive never lost anything

Including my virginity.....

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

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My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Magician: I can make disappear

"I'll do ANYTHING for an "A" in this class!"

"ANYTHING?!?" the professor asked.

"Yes," she said, "ANYTHING!"

"Will you . . . . study?"

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Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

My wife said, Why don't you ever have anything to say to me?

I replied, I don't like to interrupt.

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"

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I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

Why couldn't the horse congress get anything done?

They vote "neigh" on everything

I honestly cant remember anything about the last time i visited an osteopath.

Yet it was only a week back.

My dad is never proud of anything I do.

Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

The head of our city council can never decide on anything..

They don't call him Mayor Maynot for nothing.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

I don’t do anything half a**ed

Except share a chair with someone

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A prostitute walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want if you give me $30"

Guess who's getting his porch repainted!

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Ford is coming out with a new truck for those who don’t give a damn about anything or anyone

It’s the new F-U50

What is it called when a wrestler’s wife lets him screw anything his heart desires?

No holes barred

It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while

he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.

To all the people who call me too lazy to achieve anything in life...

Proving you wrong is what gets me up from bed.... in the afternoon.

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One day god thought “damn those Estonians don’t give a fuck about anything”

So the next day he goes down there and says “tommorow youre all gonna be hanged. Any questions?”

One estonian raises his hand and asks: “will the rope be provided or do we have to bring our own?”

I tried joining a long-exposure photography course, but I didn’t learn anything.

It all went by in a blur.

I went to an English pharmacy and asked the guy, “Do you have anything for dry skin?”

Pharmacist: Aloe.

Me: Uhh. Hi. Do you have anything for dry skin?

My pop told me I would never amount to anything.

Well jokes on him because I've amounted to nothing.

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(hope this isn't a repost I tried searching for it but couldn't find anything.) Two men are playing golf.

At one point, when they are near a road when a hearse followed by a full funeral procession drives by. One man stops playing and takes his hat off in silence while the procession goes past. The second man is impressed. Afterwards, the second man says "Wow, that was very respectful what you did there...

Her: "Women can do anything a man can do."

Me: "Oh yeah! Let's see you pee on the fire."

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"Anything these days," I told my wife.

She frowned at me.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

She sighed and shrugged.

"Are you crazy, honey...

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

My son asked if there is anything he shouldn’t buy at a yard sale.

I said Meters.

Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done?

Gingers just don't last in the sun.

I can't think of anything to post for my cakeday

I guess I'll just dessert it.

I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time.

Until I discovered necrophilia.

I'm not saying the wife is fat or anything.

But when she gets on the scales... they read "sorry one at a time please"

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

I'll try anything once… twice if I like it…

three times to make sure.

I ain't got anything with the others but..

Perpendicular Bisector is a Plus

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once



Cop: I mean around here




Me: nah they live in water

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...


Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

What do you call an antilope that doesn’t do anything?

A cantaloupe.

I have a friend always ready for anything..

his name is

Justin Case

You can joke about anything. You just need the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

Does Spanish have anything in common with English?

No

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

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I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything,

... but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

People often ask me if anything is worn under my kilt...

I tell them "No, nothing's worn. Everything is in fine working order!"

I haven't heard anything from Lara Croft recently.

She's really gone off the raider.

Anything not related to elephants

is irrelephant.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Why didn't Barca fans eat anything this morning?

Because they 8-2 much last night.

How do you know that Abraham Lincoln never did anything wrong?

You can find him "in a cent."

3 steps to fix anything

1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2


2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3


3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4

I joined a carpenters class last week, but I haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.

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Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you.

Man : "Titties"

Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good

My wife asked me if I learned anything at my first Improv lesson.

I said no.

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

I like watching World Cup even though I don’t know anything about football

Sitting on the couch with a cold beer and watch those millionaires and billionaires running on the field, tiring themselves to half death just to entertain me, what a successful life!

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I'm not homophobic or anything...

But I think one of my dad's might be gay

All my gilled salamander pet does is just sit there. It barely moves or anything.

I named it Relaxalotl.

What a Werewolf is called if he doesn't Know Anything?

Unawarewolf! :)

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. ...

I never finish anything...

I have a black belt in partial arts.

Not to brag or anything

but I don’t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

I don't like to eat anything labeled "reformed ham"

As I think it is unfair that the pigs are slaughtered after they've got their lives back on track.

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Anything you want!

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says ...

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

birds are the only animals who can get anything done!

They got friends in high places

I've never been through anything scarier than that time I tried to breed rabbits.

It was a hare-raising experience.

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Why dont Russians give a shit about anything?

... because they are a part of the so-be-it union

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

Hey grandpa, do you know that mom said that she will never forgive you because you let me eat a coin and didn't do anything?

She must be nuts if she thinks that I will spend thousands of dollars in a hospital just to get 10 cents back

A cop asked me if I'd seen anything unusual.

I said "Yeah, once I saw a marlin with a hat." He said "I mean around here" and I said "No he was on the wall at a bar in Hawaii."

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

My physician told me I almost couldn’t hear anything

I had a near-deaf experience

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Why do transphobes never buy anything?

Because that would require trans action

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Got approached by a prostitute today who said she would do anything for $10

Guess who just got their car washed?

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Apples that taste like anything

A man walks in a bar and asks for a gin and tonic, the bartender then hands him a apple and says “trust me it will taste like a gin a tonic” so the man takes a bite of it and says “oh it takes like gin” then turns it around and says “oh it takes like tonic” another man walks in and asked what’s up w...

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

I never plan anything I do in my life.

I don't want any of my crimes to be considered "premeditated ".

My girlfriend said "I never commit to anything"

Well, she's not really my girlfriend.

I hate to see my wife pay for anything.

That’s why I stay in the car.

I'm not a hypocrite or anything...

but people who start sentences with 'I'm not \_\_\_ or anything' suck.

If Minecraft has ever taught us anything...

It’s that you shouldn’t spend diamonds on hoes

Two generations from now your grandkids might scrutinize this era and ask "really, grandpa? you really did that to the environment? Didn't you even recycle anything, come on???

Then with a grim expression on your face you scowl

"Fool, I was on reddit! I recycled everything at least 3000 times"

If Snapchat has taught me anything ...

... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer?

They keep summoning the Task Manager

(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic -- that's my big point right there.

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

Never say anything offensive to Cats.

You might hurt their Felines.

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

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