I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a king who suspected that the Queen was cheating on him.

But he can't prove that without any evidence. Meanwhile, there was a big famine in his country where people died without food. The ministers of his court advised the king to lead the hunting party to fetch some meat from the forest. Since he was the only capable hunter in the kingdom, he agreed. B...

My Girlfriend has been hinting that she wants a ring for Christmas

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens up her new video doorbell!

Did you hear about the man that got addicted to doing the Hokey Pokey?

Luckily he was able to turn himself around.

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

My dad said that if you do what you love you would not work a day in your life.

I love drugs

I just realized that everyone tries to avoid me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

Did you hear the guy that invented the Hokey Pokey died? His funeral was super sad.

First, they put his left foot in...

My little brother (5) told me a joke that I kind of had to share.

¨Hey, sis?¨

¨Yeah?¨

¨Can I tell you this new joke I learned?¨

¨Sure, go for it!¨

¨Knock, knock!¨

¨Who is there?¨

¨Knock knock..!¨

¨Who is there?¨

And that continued for about 2 more times. Until he asked me to come closer and whispered in my ea...

What happened to the frog that illegally parked?

He got toad

For a long time I felt that I was a man trapped in a woman’s body

Then my mother gave birth to me.

I don't know how to tell my wife of 15 years that she's been using her teeth WAY too often when she goes down on me.

How do I soften the blow?

Did you hear about the the tree that fell in the forest?

I guess you had to be there!

My grandpa was there when the titanic sunk. He kept on yelling that it was going to sink.

They had to kick him out the movie theater.

What do you call a kangaroo that's exhausted from trespassing?

Out of bounds.

Walking past a farm, I saw a sign that said: 'Duck, eggs'.

I thought: "That's a funny place for a comma" -then it hit me.

People mostly get shocked when the find out that....

I'm a bad electrician.

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

I just found out that I'm colorblind...

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

What do you call a person with a house, and a retirement plan, that really isn't that bad?

An ok boomer

My friend was told that bungee jumping would be safe.

It turned out to be quite a stretch.

Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?

I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.

When I first met my wife, I was worried that my fetish might scare her off

but she ended up being cool with it, so I got off on the right foot.

On a road trip, I remember passing a sign that said ‘Rest Stop 1 Mile’.

I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s really big.”

Rumor has it there is a cult that worships Earth as a deity and sees natural disasters as messages from Mother Gaia. It's called...

...The Order of Magnitude.

Did you hear about the rapper that had an asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

What do you call a bounty hunter that can time travel

A Mandelorean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

It’s almost that time of year when the fat beardy person comes round to give all the kids their Christmas presents....

Man I hate it when the mother-in-law is in town.

My doctor told me that I have an autoimmune disease.

That explains why I have been trying to kill myself.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

What do you call a lump of cheese that likes milk?

A feta pile!

Did you hear about the phone that lost power after hitting someone?

He was charged with battery.

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

A man finds a lamp on a beach. He rubs it, and out pops a genie.

“I will give you three wishes,” the genie says. “But be warned: whatever you wish for, your ex will get twice that.”

“I wish for a fabulously large mansion,” the man says.

“Are you sure?” asks the genie. “Your ex will get a mansion twice as large, twice as opulent.”

“I’m sure.” ...

[NSFW] A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...

Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory

He says to his wife “i need to talk to you about something that happened at work”
Wife - “ok, what’s up?”
Husband - “well lately at work I’ve been having this compulsion, an almost uncontrollable need to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
Wife - “ My god! Are you crazy? Don’t do it!”
H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns.

That's just how eye roll

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar in town was looking for a piano player to play on weekends

I obliged because I love to play, and I could really use the money at the time.

Anyway, I am at the interview/audition playing a couple songs for the owner. The owner walks over to me after the first song and says, "You're pretty good, man. What's that one called?"

Me: "Fuck You Dude"...

An old man I know told me he used to go to the park because he saw himself in the children that played there

I really need a new cellmate

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke,

And didn't get a reaction at all.

A Tale from an Uber driver...

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump exposed himself to women, would that be sexual harrasment...

... or microagression?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny NSFW

Little Johnny is sitting around at grandpa's house and notices his grandfather smoking a cigar. Johnny goes over and asks his grandpa "Hey grandpa, can I try a little of that cigar?" His grandfather looks at little Johnny and asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny replies "No". Grandpa rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy! That’s the third time this week you fell asleep in class.

I don’t think you’re cut out to be a teacher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lumberjack in the emergency room

So the lumberjack had a slight accident with his chainsaw and went to the ER to get his leg stitched up. The attendant asks him would he like some anesthetic, but he says
"Naw, this is only the third worst pain of my life."
Attendant: "OMG! What was the second worst pain?"
LJ: "I was i...

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

I have a fetish for figuring things out

I just came to that realisation.

I've been lucky enough to be with several women in my life...

And I've learned that when you pleasure a woman, they are much like farts.

Some are too loud, some are near silent and, when you least expect it, you'll get a squirter.

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

4 year old boy: "Dad I've decided to get married"

Dad: "Wonderful. Who's the girl?"

Son: "Yes, Grandma! She loves me, she cooks for me, she tells me stories."

Dad: "That's nice, but there is one problem."

Son: "What's that?"

Dad: "She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?!"

Son: "Why not? You marri...

Did you hear about the guy that had his entire left side cut off

Don’t worry, he’s all right now

A woman walks into a pet shop

She asks the shop owner, "I want a pet that is special above the rest" to which he replies, "I have just the one for you! You see this puppy? He is able to fly!"

Sure enough the shop owner throws the puppy into the air and it began to fly around it circles. The woman was rendered speechless a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.