UPJOKE
thosewhatthemherhimnotthensuchbutandthiswhichthereoftheirtherefore

That Jokes

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

What do u call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves

It's probably not tru-deau

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

Russia just warned it’s citizens that Canada is an unsafe place for them to visit.

I guess Vladimir heard Canadians eat Putin with gravy and cheese.

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

I He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

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To the bastard in a wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket..

You can hide, but you can't run!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

TIL that Saudi Arabia has over 130 males for every 100 females in the country

It must be awesome to be a woman in Saudi Arabia!

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What do you call a doctor that inspects penises?

A Guynecologist

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America...

Captain Vietnam

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

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My friend started a tattoo parlor that only accepts payment in the form of flashing.

They named it tit for tat.

Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?

Of course. Why should that day be an exception?

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family

The problem is that nobody runs in your family

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.

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My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

Who’s the Pokémon that can be found in the home of nearly every lonely adult?

Sudowoodo

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

Last night I had a dream that I was weightless..

I was like 0mg!

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

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It's a little known fact that most vacuums are gay

They're always coming out of the closet

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A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

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Now that I’m married I’m having sex almost every night of the week

We almost did it on Monday, then we almost did it again on Tuesday and on Wednesday really almost did it.

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What do you call morning wood that wakes you up?

Alarm Cock

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

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What do you call a penis that doesn't exist?

A fallacy.

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

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tiger wouldn't do that

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession

to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I...

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

I never though that orthopedic shoes would be good for me.....

but, after trying a pair, I stand corrected.

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

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I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

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I've been told that one in our circle of friends is gay.

I hope it's Dave, he's cute.

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

I just found out that my Grief Counselor died

Luckily, he was so good at his job, I don't really give a toss

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

I hear that kids from Chernobyl are really good at math.

After all, they can count to 15 on their fingers.

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

True Story that is also a joke. (It really is true.)

I was doing tourist stuff in New Orleans one summer and had gone down to the waterfront. I was sitting on a bench looking out at the water when a guy came up to me and offered me a bet. He said, "I bet you $5 I can tell you where you got your shoes."

I was from several states away so I figure...

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate

is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

What do you call a bird that hits the gym?

A jacked sparrow!

What do you call a lizard that can punctuate five times in a row?

A comma comma comma comma comma chameleon!

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

My friend said that I make people uncomfortable by invading their personal space.

It was a very hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep

But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it

My wife just confessed that she broke my favourite lamp.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again,

What is the worst thing that you could say to Helen Keller?

Look at me while I’m talking to you!

With everything that's going on I called my bank to make sure my deposit was safe.

They assured me I don't have enough money to worry about it.

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

Hundreds of armed men, snipers on the roofs, traffic blocked. What is that?

Peace conference.

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

Did you hear about the crow that was organising a party for all his crow friends?

He was arrested for attempted murder

I have this bad feeling that I’m about to be fired from my graffiti removal job.

The writing is on the wall.

As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees.

I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.

Lodger: "But you advertised that one could see for miles from this room!"

Landlady: "Well, so you can. You can see the moon through the skylight, and ain't that miles away?

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

My friend said that he couldn’t afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a get well soon card.

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

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I watched that documentary about the guy who fell in love with his car.

I was fucking exhausting.

My music snob friend told me that The Doors had a lacklustre rhythm section. I asked him why he would say that, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I told him I’m sick of hearing these bassless accusations.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

You guys hear about the fight that broke out at the seafood restaurant?

Battered fish everywhere.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas!

Me: (Drinking toast) Why?

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

Did you hear that the Energizer bunny got arrested?

He was charged with battery.

What do you call a dog that likes being tied up?

A sub-woofer

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

What do you call a priest that becomes an attorney?

Father-in-Law.

What do you call pasta that likes to be spanked?

>!Fetish-ccine!<

I don't think women should have kids after 35

That's just too many kids.

What do you call a dog that’s freezing?

A chili dog.

What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?

A yardvark

It's crazy that the service industry expects 25% tips.

At that point, they should just call it intercourse.

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My therapist told me that it takes strength to say "I don't know".

My wife didn't think I was very strong when she asked me where our son was in the park...

Who invented that game?

Did you know that Henry VIII invented the game F*ck, Marry, Kill?

Back in his day, however, it was called Wed, Bed, Behead.

Told my friend that the wife and I have just come back from a trip in the West Indies.

He said "Jamaica"? I said "Nah, she went of her own accord"

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

My friend claims that understanding a Fibonacci sequence is hard, but I disagree.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

I had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it.

I have Trix up my sleeve.

After 7 years of marriage I figured this out that....

... it's all "psychological".

There is one psycho and there's one logical.

I was driving down the highway, and I saw a man hitchhiking with a sign that said “Heaven”.

So I hit him.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

Mike and his wife Sara went to the state fair every year, and every year Mike would say, "Sara, I'd like to ride in that airplane."....

Sara always replied, "I know, Mike, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Mike and Sara went to the fair, and Mike said, "Sara, I'm eighty-five years old. If I don't ride that airplane, I might never get another chance."


S...

What do you call a cow that gets sent to the slaughterhouse by accident?

Miss Steak

My doctor told me that I was going deaf 3 years ago…

I haven’t heard from him since.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

A male bee dies after mating. That's his entire life.

Honey.

Nut.

Cheerio.

It's not that Chuck Norris jokes are making a comeback.

He's just allowing you to laugh at them again.

Now that the movie Titanic is 25 years old

Leo has completely lost interest in it.

I'm so fat, that when I went through airport security they didn't strip search me...

They burlesque searched me.

What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.

Why is it ironic that Jesus was a Carpenter?

Because his name are the two words that you say right after you hit your thumb with a hammer.

Yo mama is so fat that…

She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

Did you hear about the perfume factory that went bankrupt?

It just stopped making scents/sense/cents

Mr. T had a rare form of cancerous lymphoma that affected T-cells. Do you know what the odds are on that?!

One in 26.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

I've invented a new soft drink that floats out the can

It breaks the laws of fizzicks

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he's the only customer.

The only person around is a bartender, who is on his phone, and who waves to indicate he'll be with him as soon as he can.

The guy nods and waits patiently, but suddenly he hears a small voice say: "Nice shirt!" He looks around, but can't see anyone other than the bartender, who is still on ...

Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means?

Employee: it means today is Wednesday

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After 20 years of marriage

After 20 years of marriage, the wife finds out that her husband has been using a strap on dildo to fuck her their entire marriage.

Angry about this, she confronts her husband. “What’s with the dildo?”

Calmly he replies, “What’s with the kids?”

That takes GUTS!

A General from the Army, Air Force, Marines and an Admiral all get together to decide which branch has the most guts.

The Army General says watch this."Private, Go stand in the middle of that shooting range while I commense a firing drill and don't move.""Yes, Sir!"replies the private as he ...

I'm not saying that I'm a bad driver...

But when I drive, my sat nav doesn't speak, it prays in Latin.

Did you hear about the Mucinex truck that collided with a Nyquil truck on the highway?

Amazingly, the entire area was congestion-free for over 8 hours.

My friend told me that he ate pavement.

I asked him if he has any concrete proof of this.

Did you hear about that lorry driver that got pulled over and taken to jail for the white powder in the trailer?

It turned out to be sodium chloride, poor driver got arrested for a-salt.

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

I was lost in the woods and I found a dead hooker..

At that moment I knew I'd been walking in circles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"That woman dresses like a stripper!"

"Yes, but she pulls it off really well!"

I just found out that the movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres.

I was shocked. Historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that

Big Ben was a clock.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

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