UPJOKE
thosewhatthemherhimnotthensuchbutandthismiddle englishwhichthereoftheir

That Jokes

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...
upvote downvote report

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

tiger wouldn't do that

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband: "I have a confession

to make - I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yea... I...

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America...

Captain Vietnam
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...
upvote downvote report

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin
upvote downvote report

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

I've heard that hookers don't fart.

They do little prosti-toots.
upvote downvote report

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...
upvote downvote report

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.
upvote downvote report

TIL that 50% of Roger Federer's......

....name is "er"
upvote downvote report

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...
upvote downvote report

Yo mama is so fat that…

She needs to wear a watch on both wrists because of time zone difference.
upvote downvote report

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.
upvote downvote report

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
upvote downvote report

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"..

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
upvote downvote report

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.
upvote downvote report

Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?
upvote downvote report

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.
upvote downvote report

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.
upvote downvote report

It's quite ironic that "strap on"…

…backwards, spells 'no parts'…
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?
upvote downvote report

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is
upvote downvote report

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.
upvote downvote report

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.
upvote downvote report

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.
upvote downvote report

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
upvote downvote report

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.
upvote downvote report

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.
upvote downvote report

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
upvote downvote report

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."
upvote downvote report

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.
upvote downvote report

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon
upvote downvote report

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”
upvote downvote report

I'm surprised that so many jokes here are tagged NSFW.

As if any of you had a job.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian
upvote downvote report

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.
upvote downvote report

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car
upvote downvote report

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.
upvote downvote report

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?
upvote downvote report

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...
upvote downvote report

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.
upvote downvote report

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O
upvote downvote report

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”
upvote downvote report

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.
upvote downvote report

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law
upvote downvote report

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.
upvote downvote report

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
upvote downvote report

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"
upvote downvote report

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm
upvote downvote report

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
upvote downvote report

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_
upvote downvote report

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished
upvote downvote report

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it happens no one is shocked.
upvote downvote report

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )
upvote downvote report

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
upvote downvote report

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"



(To whoever reposts this: the correct spelling is actually *Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch*)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
upvote downvote report

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said that having a 3" penis is okay.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.
upvote downvote report

What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man...
upvote downvote report

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
upvote downvote report

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.
upvote downvote report

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide but you can't run!
upvote downvote report

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive
upvote downvote report

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.
upvote downvote report

During an interview, my boss-to- be said that she only had 3 openings

I said "I know"
upvote downvote report

There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.

One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died....
upvote downvote report

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!
upvote downvote report

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
upvote downvote report

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.
upvote downvote report

What can Jello do that you can't?

Come in 22 delicious flavors
upvote downvote report

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
upvote downvote report

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…

… she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.
upvote downvote report

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.
upvote downvote report

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day!
upvote downvote report

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"
upvote downvote report

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car

a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is finding out that your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before they were married a big deal?

Or is my wife just overreacting?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.
upvote downvote report

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
upvote downvote report

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
upvote downvote report

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life

They thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...
upvote downvote report

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My beautiful girlfriend has a vagina that smells like Roses.

But Roses is tighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

I just learned that someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 2 minutes.

Poor guy
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden
upvote downvote report

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare
upvote downvote report

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.
upvote downvote report

Me: "Why does that emo cake cost so much?"

Bakery Cashier: "It cuts itself."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is it all black people that have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine ?

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...
upvote downvote report

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...


Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...


the Taliban
upvote downvote report

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...
upvote downvote report

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.
upvote downvote report

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information