I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

You’re so ugly that when you were born….

Your mother said “what a little treasure.”

Your father replied “yeah let’s bury it.”

“The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

CHURCH

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

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A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

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My girlfriend said that having a 3" penis is okay.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

If you ever feel useless... Just remember that

If you ever feel useless...


Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...


the Taliban

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it’s their cake day just for upvotes…

You won’t catch me doing that today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They’d eventually find me attractive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

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"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

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There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Over 99.99% of people that took the vaccine for the 1918 Spanish Flu have passed away.

This seems very suspicious to me!

I just heard that the Swedish prime minister quit after just a few hours

And I thought I was the only one who couldn't put together a Swedish cabinet.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OnlyFans just announced that they will be getting rid of all porn on their platform on October 1st…

On October 2nd they will announce that they’ll be changing their name to “NoMore Fans”

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It's said that guys with big feet have big penises, and guys with big cars have small penises

Now I understand why so many people are afraid pf clowns

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

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A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

A hooker said that she would do anything if I offered her $100…

Guess who’s getting his house repainted for $100?

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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I was walking my dog this morning when this guy shouted at me "I hope you're gonna pick that shit up!"

I just pulled up my pants and ran

I want a gun that shoots wooden benches.

I'd walk into a church with no seating and be like: *pew pew pew. pew pew. pew pew pew*

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

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I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

Offering corpses for free isnt just a sign that someone might be crazy

It's a dead giveaway

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Did you know that there are no canary’s on the Canary Islands? Same thing applies to the Virgin Islands

There are no canaries on the Virgin Islands

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

Help! I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that she's gotten fat

She now fits perfectly into my wife's clothes.

I once dated a woman that had one leg longer than the other..

Her name was Eileen

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to ca...

I told my gf that I had a crush on beyonce

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And I said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

I’ve discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can’t drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

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What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes...

Turned out to be a lox myth.

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" 

He says "No, why the f\*\*k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" 

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

Did you hear that the guy that makes rings and necklaces out of steel is closing his shop for today?

Yes, it's ferrous jeweller's day off.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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What happened to the bank teller that masterbaited in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

I work at a store that was burglarized.

An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.


He didn't seem pleased when I answered:

"Kindergarten."

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the one food that can make a woman lose all interest in sex?

Wedding cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

Did you know that there are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the air?

I mean... it's plane to sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a bumper sticker that says “honk if you think I’m sexy”

Then I just sit at the green lights until I feel better about myself

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

Which rock group has members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

What do you call a medieval knight with one leg that’s shorter than the other?

An Angled-Saxon

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

I used to think that crystal girls where stupid.

All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.

How could a rock give them powers?

But then I tried crack.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

When he was a teenager, little Johnny’s father caught him reading one of his older sister’s magazines. “Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine?” he asked.

“There’s an article that tells women where to meet men,” Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine’s cover. “I need to know where I’m supposed to be.”

I was so poor growing up and our house was so small that.

you could throw one rock through our front window and hit everyone in the house

As I rolled from my date and pulled off the condom, she complained "Is that it?"

"Well,we did doggie, so it should count as 14 minutes"

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

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Is there sex after death? That depends...

...on who your coroner is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?





Take it for a drag. (Credit: my daughter)

A Guys sits down in restaurant and orders a bowl of chili

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili o...

Hearing that Jesus loves you is nice...

Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

Why did God decide to imprison everything that exists inside a gigantic fist that could only be opened with the punchline to this joke.

I could tell you the answer, but then things would get out of hand.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Some people think the testes and the prostate do the same thing, but that's not true...

there's a vas deferens between the two

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub is doing even better!

What do you call a religious organization that doesn’t make any money?

A non-prophet!

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

They say that British kids are kind

But German kids are kinder.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

I'm so fat and poor that...

I only have one diabete.

I guess I have to wonder about the honesty of a restaurant that calls itself "IHOP".

I looked up their "locations" map and there's not another one in any other country!

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

“What??? I d...

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom.

Until they are flashing behind you.

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

Magicians don't answer "how did you do that"

because those are trick questions

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

Who works for an online site that’s worth billions for free?

A Reddit Moderator

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the French...

You know that a person's really old

When they refer to a cell phone as a "telephone"

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

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Last night I had a sex dream that was so realistic

When I woke up all my money was gone

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As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

If anyone can teach me a chord that has a root, a minor third, and a perfect fifth

send me a Dm

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently...
She left me two days ago...

What do you call a house elf that edits documents?

A-Dobby.

(Adobe)

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

What do you call an elf that lives in Beverly Hills?

Welfy.

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

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Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls

One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first".

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.

The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind broth...

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films.

He forgot to show Up.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

The bird that delivers babies is called the stork.

The one that prevents babies from being delivered is called the swallow.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

What do you call a German robot that came from the future?

Determinator.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly bac...

What do you call a guy that works out a lot?

Jim

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I know shaving a scrotum is something that can be done

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

TIL That Elbillug is the only word that is pronounced the same forward and backward.

Well, that and Rekcus.

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

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