UPJOKE
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Supposed Jokes

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin....

Until Mary stubbed her toe.

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

I keep asking what "IDK" is supposed to mean...

But nobody seems to have any idea.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?

It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

This is supposed to be on r/dadjokes but screw it!

Why did the orange lose the race?

It ran out of juice.

"Yoda, are we supposed to be here?"

"Off course we are."

If you're not supposed to eat in a chemistry lab

Then why do most of the elements end in yum?

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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If you visit a nude beach for seniors, you're technically not supposed to stare.

But it's a gray area.

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

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What do you call something that you're not supposed to ask during sex?

A stupid fucking question.

It was supposed to be the town bus drivers' annual 5k fun-run today..

But most of them pulled out without any indication.

If we’re not supposed to eat animals

Then why are they made of food

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

If Americans are supposedly so racist towards Mexicans...

.....how come the first word of their national anthem is in Spanish?

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Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

It's been several days now, what should I do?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all die and are supposed to go to heaven

However, they have all sinned in their lives, so they are kept at the base of the 100 step stairway-to-heaven.

God comes to them and says

"All of you have commited sins that cannot be forgiven, so you must face a trial if you wish to enter heaven. Every step you take on this stairway, ...

Nooo you were supposed to shoot at the sky too!

Haha Aaron go Brr

If smoking is so supposed to be so bad

then why does it cure salmon?

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

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Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

How do you piss off the French? Show them how to cook

I hear that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

Probably why I'm an only child.

TIL DNA was supposed to be a line

But things spiraled of control

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

It was supposed to be year of rat.

But it became the year of bat instead.

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

This Halloween I went as a 'former gifted student.'

I just wore normal clothes, and when people asked me what I was supposed to be, I sighed and said "I was supposed to be a lot of things."

We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean

It was a real mist opportunity

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[NSFW] A teenager goes to confession.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."

"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.

Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession w...

I thought 'Chicken Run' was supposed to be a kids film.

But it's full of fowl language.

My vasectomy was supposed to change everything.

I haven't noticed a vas deferens after the procedure.

What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

She was lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?

The AUTOPSY. The goddam AUTOPSY.

They say if you get stung by a jellyfish, you're supposed to pee on it.

But I'm just not that vindictive.

I turned up to what was supposed to be a vegan gathering

but there was no meet.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

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A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks.

"I'm a turtle," the man replies.

"What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

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If Reddit is supposed to be so much more sensitive than a clitoris...

... why isn't it called Rubbit?

I know these jokes are supposed to have punchlines

But I still have yet to see one cup of juice here.

What are you supposed to do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

I know you're not supposed to find Jesus Christ hot...

...but damn, is he so well hung.

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

They say at 7:11, you're supposed to make a wish, so I wish for good health and lots of money...

But for some reason I just keep getting gas station hot dogs.

There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel.

Through a small window in the door,the madam says,"What can I do for you,sir?"

"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club,"she explains."To join,you must slip a thousand dollars under the...

Why aren't you supposed to tell any jokes at prom?

The punch line is always too long

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

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I was supposed to do a talk at a premature ejaculation support group meeting, but the building was closed.

They must have all arrived early.

BDSM is supposedly a hit with the youth

But it's just something I'd rather not get tied up in

Why aren't men supposed to give birth?

Because if they did everyone would look like spaghetti.

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

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