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Supposed Jokes

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”
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AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.

Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Jesus Christ was supposed to be named Franklin....

Until Mary stubbed her toe.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?

It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be *literally* a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck.

But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Was on a plane having a snooze and the guy in the seat next to me RUDELY wakes me up and says "We're about to land, I think you're supposed to put the window shutter back up"

That's the last time I agree to having him as my co-pilot.

I keep asking what "IDK" is supposed to mean...

But nobody seems to have any idea.

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

This is supposed to be on r/dadjokes but screw it!

Why did the orange lose the race?

It ran out of juice.

If you're not supposed to eat in a chemistry lab

Then why do most of the elements end in yum?

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician were supposed to give a guest lecture at a school.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

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Today at work they had an HR driven roundtable, where we were supposed to share our favorite charities and where we volunteer. I managed to piss everyone off.

I said "I do a lot of work with unwed mothers."

People asked what specifically I do with them.

I responded, "I just help them get their start"

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

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If you visit a nude beach for seniors, you're technically not supposed to stare.

But it's a gray area.

As you probably know, the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.

As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. One day one of the guards moved just a bit. The sergeant rushed over and said "George, did I see you flinch?" George replied "Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the ...

My stomach looks exactly like it's supposed to ...

It's abnormal.

They say at 7:11, you're supposed to make a wish, so I wish for good health and lots of money...

But for some reason I just keep getting gas station hot dogs.

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Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

It was supposed to be the town bus drivers' annual 5k fun-run today..

But most of them pulled out without any indication.

"Yoda, are we supposed to be here?"

"Off course we are."

I am driving through England, and I’m supposed to be in Greenwich tomorrow.

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all die and are supposed to go to heaven

However, they have all sinned in their lives, so they are kept at the base of the 100 step stairway-to-heaven.

God comes to them and says

"All of you have commited sins that cannot be forgiven, so you must face a trial if you wish to enter heaven. Every step you take on this stairway, ...

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What do you call something that you're not supposed to ask during sex?

A stupid fucking question.

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

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I was supposed to do a talk at a premature ejaculation support group meeting, but the building was closed.

They must have all arrived early.

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry.

It's been several days now, what should I do?

My local doctor's office had a power outage just as I was supposed to have my vaccine. I asked if I could have it anyway, on the off chance they might still let me.

Well, it was a shot in the dark.

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

Q:Why don't blood cells preach the gospel? A: because you aren't supposed to take the lord's name in vein.

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

They say if you get stung by a jellyfish, you're supposed to pee on it.

But I'm just not that vindictive.

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

We were supposed to get rain today, but it blew out to the ocean

It was a real mist opportunity

A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, I saw dad!

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

a woman is supposed to go thru a graveyard to at night

sees a man and asks if he can accompany her. The man agrees and both of them start walking. The woman asks if he is also afraid of graveyards. The man replies "well when i was alive i was also afraid".

There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection.

I guess you could call that Jet Lag.

There was supposed to be a world ending event in 2020

But God just said “Give them a little longer and they’ll do it themselves”

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

Nooo you were supposed to shoot at the sky too!

Haha Aaron go Brr

There was supposed to be a BLM march today with up to a million people

Although it's strange that I only count 600,000.

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If Reddit is supposed to be so much more sensitive than a clitoris...

... why isn't it called Rubbit?

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke)

A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry."

So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor...

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

I was supposed to go to a Salt N Pepa concert next week.

But because of the coronavirus they decided to push it.

If we’re not supposed to eat animals

Then why are they made of food

I thought 'Chicken Run' was supposed to be a kids film.

But it's full of fowl language.

I turned up to what was supposed to be a vegan gathering

but there was no meet.

I hear that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes

Probably why I'm an only child.

You're supposed to give your seat to the elderly on the bus

Well, that's how I lost my job

She was lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?

The AUTOPSY. The goddam AUTOPSY.

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Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop has released a candle that is supposed to smell like an orgasm

I just bought one, it was a bit of an anti-climax if you ask me

If smoking is so supposed to be so bad

then why does it cure salmon?

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

If Americans are supposedly so racist towards Mexicans...

.....how come the first word of their national anthem is in Spanish?

I bought a product that was supposed to turn me into an AC unit.

I’m not a fan.

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[NSFW] A teenager goes to confession.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."

"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.

Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession w...

Did you know the Hover Dam was supposed to be twice as tall as it is now?

After some re-evaluation, they thought it would be 2 dam high.


I’ll see myself out...

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel.

Through a small window in the door,the madam says,"What can I do for you,sir?"

"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club,"she explains."To join,you must slip a thousand dollars under the...

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to

Twenty-Thir TEEN
Twenty-Four TEEN
Twenty-Fif TEEN
Twenty-Six TEEN
Twenty-Seven TEEN
Twenty-Eight TEEN
Twenty-Nine TEEN
Quar-an TEEN

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Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

How do you piss off the French? Show them how to cook

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive

but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

It was supposed to be year of rat.

But it became the year of bat instead.

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So you knows how you are supposed to say "no homo" whenever you are in an intimate situation with an other guy, so it isn't gay.

Well, that's pretty difficult to do with a dick in your mouth!

Reddit is supposed to be a place of open and honest discussion where every opinion counts.

If you don't agree, stay out of the comment section.

"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"

"30 pounds!"

"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

TIL DNA was supposed to be a line

But things spiraled of control

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